All language subtitles for Impractical.Jokers.S09E18.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE

Warning the following program
contains scenes

Of graphic stupidity
among four lifelong friends

Who compete
to embarrass each other.

Narrator: Coming up,
why is joe going viral?

It won't give you
ringworm.

[ laughter ]

Are q and herb
kings of the coupon?

Guess who's saving
dort money?

I'm gonna save
your money.

[ laughter ]

And which losing joker
will be anatomically incorrect

In tonight's punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

This is some crunk-ass chop.

Today, we're competing
head-to-head tournament style

As participants
in a taste test focus group.

The unsuspecting
moderator

Is going to be asking us
questions about the product.

And we have to give answers that
were written by the other guys.

At the end, the moderator
will be pulled aside

And asked which
one of the two guys

Should go to the next round.

If the moderator
does not pick you, you lose.

♪♪

Alright, gentlemen,
how are you doing?

How are you doing?
Good to see you.

Joe and prince herb wrote
the answers for each other.
That's right.

I'm, I'm joe.
I'm derek.
Derek, good to see you.

My friends call me prince herb
if you want to do that.

Prince herb?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, prince herb.

So here we go.

How would you describe
the product to a friend?

Derek, I'd put it has
a buttery mouth feel.

Okay.

Followed by
a milky throat glide

And a soft tummy touch.

Full review to come.

If I'm describing it
to my core four, that's --

Uh, I'd tell 'em.

It tastes like the time darlene
cooked a pigeon by accident

And it was
surprisingly palatable.

Oh. Wow. Wow, wow.
Classic darlene.

What does this product
remind you of?

Joe, just keep,
throughout the whole turn,

Touching prince herb's hand.

Joe:
Uh, so number two, what does
this product remind you of?

I slept in a used coffin
one night on a dare.

And I swear the smell brought me
right back to that place.

[ laughter ]

Because it was mahogany,
you know, and like barbecue.

Alright. What's a good
slogan for the product?

And so for me, a good slogan
for these chips, I think.

Yes, I know.

You know, I think it's
it's this will eliminate

Your clinical depression
or your money back.

What do you have, joe?
They won't give you ringworm.

Derek gets it.

Yeah, well, most things
won't won't give you ringworm.

Yeah, but
how many people tout that?

I'm out there right up front
with its our headline.

[ laughter ]

Okay. At what occasions would
you have this product?

I put, uh, you know what I put?
Let me just [mutters]

Q:
Look at joe's face.

At what occasions
when you have this product?

I would do it at backyard
shrimp chews,

Downstairs celery dances,

And next door candy rodeos
and that's -- and birthdays.

[ laughter ]

When you close your eyes, what
memory does the product evoke?

I went to a specific event,
so I'm five years old

And I'm in my grandma's pantry
where I got locked in

During a game
of hide and seek.

And I was in there
for 14 hours

Eating anything
I could to survive

Until my mom came
and picked me up --

And I was eating
anything in there.

Dry pastas.

Q: Dry pastas?

Cannellini beans,
tomato paste.

I was getting
whatever I could.

I ate three boxes
of arm & hammer baking soda

Accidentally got into the
arm & hammer baking soda.

[ laughter ]

Straight-up yeast.

Alright. Who would you
share this product with?

Yeah, I would probably just
give that as a thank you.

It's like a craigslist thing.

[ laughter ]

A parting gift,
for craigslist.

My answer was similar.
I said idris elba.

Wait, what?

-Derek, I'll take you.
-Sure.

Oh, here we go.
Here we go.

Of the two...
Oh.

Which one had the better
answers, joe or prince?

The prince.
The prince.

Prince herb wins.
Oh, my god!

What a quick
fall from grace for you.

[ laughter ]

Hi.
Hello, hi.
How are you?

What's your name?
-Nyla.

Nyla. I'm james.
Nyla. I'm brian.

Hi, brian.
Good to meet you.

I just want to say off the top
that I'm so excited to be here.

I took the entire day
off today for this.

I can be here
as long as you need.

And I give great feedback
for your client.

Just wanted to say that.
[ new york accent ]
oh, awesome!

I-I didn't take the day off
because this is my only job.

So how would you describe
the product to a friend?

This is some crunk-ass chow.
"crunk-ass chow?"

It's good?
It's crunk-tastic.

Chow is always good,
crunk chow?

Yeah, crunk-ass chow.

Okay, what kind of mascot do you
envision for this product?

I would. I said
a well-endowed ghost.

[ laughter ]

Why the well-endowed
ghost?

I just think if you're looking
for a corporate mascot,

You want one
with big junk.

How would you know? Do you go
around checking mascots' junk?

[ laughter ]

Okay.

She's, she's very relaxed.
Very relaxed.

She's taking it
all in stride.

What are this product's
key weaknesses?

I wrote, "it doesn't come
with an allen wrench,"

Which is a mistake.
Like why?

Yeah,
why would it not?

You need an allen wrench
for almost on a daily basis.

You never know
when you need it.

Well, she's just going
with the flow straight up,

Laid back chill.

But what is the purpose
of the allen wrench

With the chips is my only...
Eating chips on the job.

Right. She gets it.
Nyla gets it.

What's a good slogan
for the product?

Slogan for a product?
Ready?

You're going to wish
you weren't circumcised.

If I could,
I would redo that answer.

Alright. Hey, look,
I'm not judging whatever.

She's how I want
to feel right now.

Who would you share
this product with?

I said everyone.

I'd put it right out next to
the fishbowl full of car keys.

No way she's getting
that reference.

Take your car, leave,
or get more chips and stay.

Oh, no, it's just like,
you know,

How you you know,
you have parties and everything.

You put a fishbowl and everybody
throws their car keys in it?

And then at the end
of the night,

Everybody takes out keys.

And then whoever's keys
they are,

You end up
having sex with them?

Yeah, it's a standard key party.
It's called a key party.

We're talking
about potato chips.

Just just a quick refresher
for everybody.

[ coughing ]
choking on a chip.

Oh, boy.

No more chips for him.

I'm choking on the chip.
You should go home.

No, no. I cleared
my calendar.

[ laughter ]

What occasions would you have
this product at?

I kept it real.
I wrote,

"when assholes show up
at your house unannounced."

You don't give them real food,
give 'em the chips.

Have some chips.

[ laughter ]

-You want to come with me?
-Sure.

Joe: Alright.
Who do you guys think got it?

I think q's
gonna get it.

Do you think the client will be
able to use their responses?

I don't.

Of the two, who gave better
feedback, james or brian?

The feedback?

Probably this guy.
James?

She picked murr!

[ laughter ]

She picked me.

♪♪

-How are you?
-This is jennifer, guys.

Joe: This is
the end all be all here.

Championship round.
Championship round.

They're trying to
dethrone prince herb.

This is the product.
I guess some kind of iced tea.

Sal: Yeah.
So what words or phrases

Come to your mind
after tasting this product?

Yeah, I wrote.

[ laughter ]

Joe: Ah-ha, got him!

So what words or phrases
come to your mind

After tasting this product?

I wrote, uh,

"pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicov
olcanoconiosis."

Okay.

It's like a preserve-nce that
they put into, like, drinks.

What was the word again?
It's called,

"pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicov
olcanoconiosis."

I've never heard that word.

Yeah, I only knew
how to say it

Because a friend of mine
has a tattoo of the word.

Okay.
[ laughter ]

What would your answer be?
Oh, what words or phrase

Comes to mind
after tasting this product.

I wrote kook
koo-ch bait.

Shoo-ch.
Uh, shoo-ch bait.

Explain that.
You know,
like a big chooch?

Okay.
A chooch? What a staten island
word that is.

Look at this chooch.
Chooch.

So, how would you describe
this product to a friend?

I would say, "hey joe, I know
you have a big nose and all,

But taste this.

You're going to love it,
you fat, gray haired [bleep]."

Wow.

Joe: He said it.
Q: It was a shot at you.

So what does this product
remind you guys of?

It tastes amazing,
I thought.

But it smells like someone
who hurt me.

Does it?
So, [groans] I'm weary.

Yeah.
Yeah.
How about you, james?

What does the product
remind me of,

My aunt melvin's
catastrophic neck?

Okay, please explain.

My aunt melvin
has a neck --

Her neck aged twice as fast
as the rest of her body.

Her neck age twice as fast
as the rest of her body.

Well, is there
any specific reason?

No, no.
She nasty.
She nasty.

Oh, okay.

At what occasions would you
have this product?

It very much functioned
as an aphrodisiac,

Which is incredible because
I never get turned on anymore.

Okay.
It awakens, you know.

Desire maybe?
Desires maybe. "desire" would
be a nice way to put it.

You seem
very awakened now.

Yeah.
I'm on the brink.

Alright.
I'll write that down.

I have it written down.
You don't have to do that.

I just want to make sure
I'm taking all the notes.

Okay.

So what should the recommended
serving of this product be?

A thousand doubles.
A monkey's fist.

Are you guys done?
Yeah, oh.

Q: Look at her face!

What an ending!
Wow.
What an ending!

So how was that?

It was different.

[ laughter ]

Who you thought would provide
better feedback moving forward,

James or prince?

-She's having a hard time.
-She's having a hard time.

Okay, james.
-James! Oh!

Are you
[bleep] kidding me?

Murr made his
aunt melvin proud.

He's the only one who safe
from the loser board

Today we're teaming up, giving
presentations on lifehacks.

The catch is,
our presentations

Have been made
by the other team.

At the end
of the presentation,

We'll ask the attendees
to raise their hand

If they learned
anything of value.

The team with
the fewest hands raised loses

And they have to get
the heck out of here.

[ sal laughs ]
what?

♪♪

Welcome, guys. Thank you
so much for your time today.

Joe and I go around
teaching lifehacks.

Here we go.
Allow us to introduce ourselves.

I'm professional life coach,
joe murray.

Yes. And I'm james gatto.
His biggest success.

So james is his protégé?
Yes.

Cleaning,
produce lifehack.

Washing your produce by hand
is time consuming.
Joe: Yeah.

There's one hands-free method
to clean your produce,

And it is already
in your home.

Here it is.

[ toilet flushes ]

Flush it.

That's it.

I remember a toilet bowl
is cleaner than a dog's mouth.

Yeah, that makes you guys
feel way better

About the whole thing.
Right?

Abe lincs.

Like it or not,
cheating is a part of life.

Every successful person
has lied

And cheated their way
to the top.

As an example, we will admit
to a recent lie we have told.

James?

Uh, I lied to a friend
about whether I kept a gift

He gave me about five,
six years ago.

This is true.
A recent lie that I told.

I said to someone
that I was having

I had fun with my children.

[ laughter ]

What?!

Hit next.

Alright.

Eliminate
shopping anxiety.

This is big.

Too embarrassed to
buy things like prophylactics,

Tampons, filthy magazines,
or other adult content?
I am.

You can eliminate that
shopping anxiety very easily.

Purchase a sorry for your loss,
or a sympathy greeting card,

Along with the embarrassing
items, right?

Cashiers will assume you're
buying these things as a gift

For someone who lost a loved one
to cheer them up.

[ laughter ]

How to learn another language
in under two weeks.

Immerse yourself
in a language

By changing your phone settings
to that language.

That's how
we learned japanese.

Think about how often you guys
use your phones, right?
Q: There you go.

We will now give our phones
to one of you.

And then please go to settings,
language & region

And change our phones
to japanese.

It won't faze me
in the slightest.

I know the language.

Joe, I can't help but notice
you didn't put your phone up.

No, one's good.

It's now all in japanese.

Oh, it's all japanese.
Now, go to your texts.

Oh!
Fantastic.

I have going to revisit
that later.

Yeah.

Oh.

Family hacks is what this says.

First hack.

Right, this is how you'll be
able to look at that.

Grandma will know
how to use it.

It's all right --
it's all right there.

I've never seen anyone just
crash and burn in my life.

Joe: Thank you.
Murr: Thanks so much.

So this is me
and my lovely wife

And most of our
adorable dog, penny.

And here's me
with I have nine dogs.

Great.
There you go.
So, thank you, guys.

By show of hands,
who feels like

They've learned something
of value here today?

Put a hand up.
One.

One.
[ laughter ]

Q: We can do one.

I'm prince, this is brian.
I'm brian, hello.

And we give presentations
on lifehacks

And how to make life easier --
for girls.

Yeah.

Wanna get started?
Yeah, sure.

Uh, the one that people ask
about the most -- money hacks.

You can check
your neighbor's mailbox

For coupons and samples.
Break the law.

True story.
We were at red lobster once

And when the bill came,
he had a 10 percent off coupon

That he had gotten from his
neighbor's mailbox.

That night,
it was good for $90.

So you spent $900
at red lobster?

Nine hundred bucks.
Man: That's a big bill.

It was the seafood feast.
Yeah.

Save big money by ordering
over the phone.

This is this is great.
Pretend to be a --

[ laughter ]

Save big money by ordering
over the phone.

This is, this is great.

Pretend to be a --

[ laughter ]

Sal: There's something
for the taking

That you can't be double
checked for it, that's a hack.

Restaurants will be too cowardly
to ask you to prove it.

What we're saying.

Save dort money.

Man: What's dort?
Q: I'm glad you asked.

Oh, there's no.

Joe: [ laughing ] no.
There's no explanation.

It's like, dort is
a combination of "that"...

And "oort".

Like and "oort."

You know what I mean?
Like?

Okay, I never pay
for frozen yogurt again.

Look, find a container in the
trash, you know.

Paint it gold.

Present it as a promotion
from 1992

That gives you
free fro for life.

The 16-year-old at the register
will not question you.

Cowardly.
Guess who's saving
dort money?

♪ we gonna save
dort money ♪

[ laughter ]

Business hacks.
So, first things first.

Okay, because
I was a victim of this.

You want to use
a professional e-mail address.

So brian's college
e-mail was,

Ganjaweasel69
@universityofphoenixonline.Com

Yeah.
To which he did not go.

In college you want to be the
guy that's known as

"ganjaweasel69"
for many reasons.

Hit next.

Now, that's my new one
president@gmails.

Next slide.

Dailies.
Create a "frenu".

A frenu or "friend menu"

Is when you befriend people
solely based on their career

So you can get
free services out of them.

Like, on my frenu, I got

A dentist
that cleans my teeth gratis,

A cop that got me out of
two speeding tickets,

And a hit and run --
legally cannot discuss that.

And a barber that cuts my hair
for free in return.

I just have to talk about him
during these presentations.

[ laughter ]
murr:
That's prince herb's barber.

That's max zotta of
men's best haircut in brooklyn.

Top-notch barber.

If you say to max, "brian
and prince herb send us"

You're gonna get 10% off.

Now he's on your frenu.

[ laughter ]

So raise your hand if you think
that you've learned

Anything of value
from this presentation today.

Joe and murr:
One. Two.

Okay.
Great.

So joe and murr
were total hacks,

So joe is tonight's big loser.

Hello, everyone.

Joe has lost and as you can see,
you're already naked,

Which means that
we're going to put you

In something
to replace that.

Oh, it's not I'm going out there
naked? Alright. I'm ready.

Punishment for you,
not for everybody else.
Got it, got it.

We don't want you to see
what we put on you, buddy.

So we're going to --
you remember these?

Ah, yeah, the blackout
sunglasses. There you go.

Murr: Let's get those
right on your head.

Guys? Guys?

So now we're going
to have you get dressed.

And then we're going to have
you enter a room

And your punishment
will begin then.

And you're not supposed to know
anything prior to that.

Okay, it's cold.
Can I get dressed?

-Alright, joey, here you go.
-Hey, there he is.

Good morning, everybody.
How are you?

Sal: Today we have a bunch
of educators here,

And joe is going to be
work shopping his presentation

That he's to be taking to
schools all across the country.

Welcome, everybody.
Thanks so much for coming.

I appreciate it.

I'm work shopping
presentation for the room.

Alright, joe.

Here we go.
The human body. Okay?

So who am I?
My name is joseph menarchy.

My goal is to educate
our nation's youth

About their changing bodies.

Note my partner, cindy glass
has left our crew.

So I've be doing
this presentation solo.

Okay, today we'll be focusing
on the miracle

That is the female body.

Let's enter it.
Here we go.

Alright. So now you have
to take your clothes off.

Okay.
So here we go.

Q: Look at 'em.
Look at 'em.

Okay, today we'll be focusing
on the miracle

That is the female body.

Alright, so now you have
to take your clothes off.

[ laughter ]

Okay. Um...

Q: Look at 'em.
Look at 'em.

This was cindy's suit.

It was an
anatomically correct, female.

This is a real character
from our childhood.

Google slim goodbody
if you don't know who it is.

The man with a nice robe
from the '80s

That taught children
about their bodies.

Okay, so here we go.

Why is my bod a-changing,
mr. Joey?

Q:
Look at this guy.

Okay, no need to call me
mr. Joey.

You can't stop
changing that bod. Okay.

Body hair. Take care of it.

Uh, shave it.

Uh, wax it.

Pluck it.

Burn it.

Uh, just get rid of it.

Or, you can keep it,
but, really?

You're going to keep it?

[ laughter ]

Your budding breasts journey.

I'm really missing cindy
at this point.

Okay, little swellings to start.

Then darkening
of the nippleolas.

Finally big round full breasts.

Often lopsided, often for life.

It's really
the journey of the breasts

That we take the children
through here.

The girls know when they start,
with little lumpy dumpies

They're gonna work their way up.

[ laughter ]

-Lumpy dumpies?
-Lumpy dumpies.

When will my perfect breasts
stop growing?

Uh, depends,
it could be feb.

And that's pr-- that's about it,
I think that covers all of it.

[ laughter ]

True or false, you can't get
pregnant with braces.

We hear this all the time.

False.

-She's got braces.
-While statistically women

With braces get pregnant less
often than women without braces,

The only true pregnancy
protection are the jimmy hats.

[ laughter ]

I'm not sure why I'm in this
suit for this.

Uh, your haunches.
Okay.

Okay.
A woman's developing haunches

Are necessary to descend
down a steep embankment.

Underdeveloped haunches.

[ laughter ]

Thank you, ladies.

Join me tomorrow as I present
to the fellas.

Murr: Whoo!

By the way,
if you're wondering...

And by the way,
if you guys are wondering...

...Suit's reversible...
...The suit's reversible...

...So I wear this
for the boys.

...So I wear this,
wear this for the boys.

Show 'em the back.

Oh.

So, you can see
the boy's penis.

So any feedback?

Woman:
But where is the first roll
out of this happening?

Sal: Connecticut.
Uh...

Oh, where?
In connecticut schools.

Uh, yeah. In connecticut.

Then when we get
thrown out of there,

We go right across
to new hampshire.

We're close enough
to get to new hampshire

In case it doesn't go
right.

Get thrown out of new hampshire,
right to massachusetts.

If you get thrown out
of new hampshire,

I can just, I'll just go over
to --

I go over to the ferry in
newport to rhode island.

From there,
we flee the country to canada.

If things get real rough,
I flee to canada,

I go right to canada.
Niagara, take a picture.

And I'm out, I flee.

They put up with stuff
like this in canada.

This is actually based
on a canadian tv show.

Yes, I do
wear this around the house.

And I do wear this
around the house,

In case
anybody's wondering.

[ laughter ]

I think we've had enough
of all this.

[ laughter ]

-Bravo! Very good, joey!
-Nice, joey.