Original subtitles

Warning the following program contains scenes

Of graphic stupidity among four lifelong friends

Who compete to embarrass each other.

Narrator: Coming up, why is joe going viral?

It won't give you ringworm.

[ laughter ]

Are q and herb kings of the coupon?

Guess who's saving dort money?

I'm gonna save your money.

[ laughter ]

And which losing joker will be anatomically incorrect

In tonight's punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

This is some crunk-ass chop.

Today, we're competing head-to-head tournament style

As participants in a taste test focus group.

The unsuspecting moderator

Is going to be asking us questions about the product.

And we have to give answers that were written by the other guys.

At the end, the moderator will be pulled aside

And asked which one of the two guys

Should go to the next round.

If the moderator does not pick you, you lose.

♪♪

Alright, gentlemen, how are you doing?

How are you doing? Good to see you.

Joe and prince herb wrote the answers for each other. That's right.

I'm, I'm joe. I'm derek. Derek, good to see you.

My friends call me prince herb if you want to do that.

Prince herb? Yeah, yeah. Okay, prince herb.

So here we go.

How would you describe the product to a friend?

Derek, I'd put it has a buttery mouth feel.

Okay.

Followed by a milky throat glide

And a soft tummy touch.

Full review to come.

If I'm describing it to my core four, that's --

Uh, I'd tell 'em.

It tastes like the time darlene cooked a pigeon by accident

And it was surprisingly palatable.

Oh. Wow. Wow, wow. Classic darlene.

What does this product remind you of?

Joe, just keep, throughout the whole turn,

Touching prince herb's hand.

Joe: Uh, so number two, what does this product remind you of?

I slept in a used coffin one night on a dare.

And I swear the smell brought me right back to that place.

[ laughter ]

Because it was mahogany, you know, and like barbecue.

Alright. What's a good slogan for the product?

And so for me, a good slogan for these chips, I think.

Yes, I know.

You know, I think it's it's this will eliminate

Your clinical depression or your money back.

What do you have, joe? They won't give you ringworm.

Derek gets it.

Yeah, well, most things won't won't give you ringworm.

Yeah, but how many people tout that?

I'm out there right up front with its our headline.

[ laughter ]

Okay. At what occasions would you have this product?

I put, uh, you know what I put? Let me just [mutters]

Q: Look at joe's face.

At what occasions when you have this product?

I would do it at backyard shrimp chews,

Downstairs celery dances,

And next door candy rodeos and that's -- and birthdays.

[ laughter ]

When you close your eyes, what memory does the product evoke?

I went to a specific event, so I'm five years old

And I'm in my grandma's pantry where I got locked in

During a game of hide and seek.

And I was in there for 14 hours

Eating anything I could to survive

Until my mom came and picked me up --

And I was eating anything in there.

Dry pastas.

Q: Dry pastas?

Cannellini beans, tomato paste.

I was getting whatever I could.

I ate three boxes of arm & hammer baking soda

Accidentally got into the arm & hammer baking soda.

[ laughter ]

Straight-up yeast.

Alright. Who would you share this product with?

Yeah, I would probably just give that as a thank you.

It's like a craigslist thing.

[ laughter ]

A parting gift, for craigslist.

My answer was similar. I said idris elba.

Wait, what?

-Derek, I'll take you. -Sure.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Of the two... Oh.

Which one had the better answers, joe or prince?

The prince. The prince.

Prince herb wins. Oh, my god!

What a quick fall from grace for you.

[ laughter ]

Hi. Hello, hi. How are you?

What's your name? -Nyla.

Nyla. I'm james. Nyla. I'm brian.

Hi, brian. Good to meet you.

I just want to say off the top that I'm so excited to be here.

I took the entire day off today for this.

I can be here as long as you need.

And I give great feedback for your client.

Just wanted to say that. [ new york accent ] oh, awesome!

I-I didn't take the day off because this is my only job.

So how would you describe the product to a friend?

This is some crunk-ass chow. "crunk-ass chow?"

It's good? It's crunk-tastic.

Chow is always good, crunk chow?

Yeah, crunk-ass chow.

Okay, what kind of mascot do you envision for this product?

I would. I said a well-endowed ghost.

[ laughter ]

Why the well-endowed ghost?

I just think if you're looking for a corporate mascot,

You want one with big junk.

How would you know? Do you go around checking mascots' junk?

[ laughter ]

Okay.

She's, she's very relaxed. Very relaxed.

She's taking it all in stride.

What are this product's key weaknesses?

I wrote, "it doesn't come with an allen wrench,"

Which is a mistake. Like why?

Yeah, why would it not?

You need an allen wrench for almost on a daily basis.

You never know when you need it.

Well, she's just going with the flow straight up,

Laid back chill.

But what is the purpose of the allen wrench

With the chips is my only... Eating chips on the job.

Right. She gets it. Nyla gets it.

What's a good slogan for the product?

Slogan for a product? Ready?

You're going to wish you weren't circumcised.

If I could, I would redo that answer.

Alright. Hey, look, I'm not judging whatever.

She's how I want to feel right now.

Who would you share this product with?

I said everyone.

I'd put it right out next to the fishbowl full of car keys.

No way she's getting that reference.

Take your car, leave, or get more chips and stay.

Oh, no, it's just like, you know,

How you you know, you have parties and everything.

You put a fishbowl and everybody throws their car keys in it?

And then at the end of the night,

Everybody takes out keys.

And then whoever's keys they are,

You end up having sex with them?

Yeah, it's a standard key party. It's called a key party.

We're talking about potato chips.

Just just a quick refresher for everybody.

[ coughing ] choking on a chip.

Oh, boy.

No more chips for him.

I'm choking on the chip. You should go home.

No, no. I cleared my calendar.

[ laughter ]

What occasions would you have this product at?

I kept it real. I wrote,

"when assholes show up at your house unannounced."

You don't give them real food, give 'em the chips.

Have some chips.

[ laughter ]

-You want to come with me? -Sure.

Joe: Alright. Who do you guys think got it?

I think q's gonna get it.

Do you think the client will be able to use their responses?

I don't.

Of the two, who gave better feedback, james or brian?

The feedback?

Probably this guy. James?

She picked murr!

[ laughter ]

She picked me.

♪♪

-How are you? -This is jennifer, guys.

Joe: This is the end all be all here.

Championship round. Championship round.

They're trying to dethrone prince herb.

This is the product. I guess some kind of iced tea.

Sal: Yeah. So what words or phrases

Come to your mind after tasting this product?

Yeah, I wrote.

[ laughter ]

Joe: Ah-ha, got him!

So what words or phrases come to your mind

After tasting this product?

I wrote, uh,

"pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicov olcanoconiosis."

Okay.

It's like a preserve-nce that they put into, like, drinks.

What was the word again? It's called,

"pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicov olcanoconiosis."

I've never heard that word.

Yeah, I only knew how to say it

Because a friend of mine has a tattoo of the word.

Okay. [ laughter ]

What would your answer be? Oh, what words or phrase

Comes to mind after tasting this product.

I wrote kook koo-ch bait.

Shoo-ch. Uh, shoo-ch bait.

Explain that. You know, like a big chooch?

Okay. A chooch? What a staten island word that is.

Look at this chooch. Chooch.

So, how would you describe this product to a friend?

I would say, "hey joe, I know you have a big nose and all,

But taste this.

You're going to love it, you fat, gray haired [bleep]."

Wow.

Joe: He said it. Q: It was a shot at you.

So what does this product remind you guys of?

It tastes amazing, I thought.

But it smells like someone who hurt me.

Does it? So, [groans] I'm weary.

Yeah. Yeah. How about you, james?

What does the product remind me of,

My aunt melvin's catastrophic neck?

Okay, please explain.

My aunt melvin has a neck --

Her neck aged twice as fast as the rest of her body.

Her neck age twice as fast as the rest of her body.

Well, is there any specific reason?

No, no. She nasty. She nasty.

Oh, okay.

At what occasions would you have this product?

It very much functioned as an aphrodisiac,

Which is incredible because I never get turned on anymore.

Okay. It awakens, you know.

Desire maybe? Desires maybe. "desire" would be a nice way to put it.

You seem very awakened now.

Yeah. I'm on the brink.

Alright. I'll write that down.

I have it written down. You don't have to do that.

I just want to make sure I'm taking all the notes.

Okay.

So what should the recommended serving of this product be?

A thousand doubles. A monkey's fist.

Are you guys done? Yeah, oh.

Q: Look at her face!

What an ending! Wow. What an ending!

So how was that?

It was different.

[ laughter ]

Who you thought would provide better feedback moving forward,

James or prince?

-She's having a hard time. -She's having a hard time.

Okay, james. -James! Oh!

Are you [bleep] kidding me?

Murr made his aunt melvin proud.

He's the only one who safe from the loser board

Today we're teaming up, giving presentations on lifehacks.

The catch is, our presentations

Have been made by the other team.

At the end of the presentation,

We'll ask the attendees to raise their hand

If they learned anything of value.

The team with the fewest hands raised loses

And they have to get the heck out of here.

[ sal laughs ] what?

♪♪

Welcome, guys. Thank you so much for your time today.

Joe and I go around teaching lifehacks.

Here we go. Allow us to introduce ourselves.

I'm professional life coach, joe murray.

Yes. And I'm james gatto. His biggest success.

So james is his protégé? Yes.

Cleaning, produce lifehack.

Washing your produce by hand is time consuming. Joe: Yeah.

There's one hands-free method to clean your produce,

And it is already in your home.

Here it is.

[ toilet flushes ]

Flush it.

That's it.

I remember a toilet bowl is cleaner than a dog's mouth.

Yeah, that makes you guys feel way better

About the whole thing. Right?

Abe lincs.

Like it or not, cheating is a part of life.

Every successful person has lied

And cheated their way to the top.

As an example, we will admit to a recent lie we have told.

James?

Uh, I lied to a friend about whether I kept a gift

He gave me about five, six years ago.

This is true. A recent lie that I told.

I said to someone that I was having

I had fun with my children.

[ laughter ]

What?!

Hit next.

Alright.

Eliminate shopping anxiety.

This is big.

Too embarrassed to buy things like prophylactics,

Tampons, filthy magazines, or other adult content? I am.

You can eliminate that shopping anxiety very easily.

Purchase a sorry for your loss, or a sympathy greeting card,

Along with the embarrassing items, right?

Cashiers will assume you're buying these things as a gift

For someone who lost a loved one to cheer them up.

[ laughter ]

How to learn another language in under two weeks.

Immerse yourself in a language

By changing your phone settings to that language.

That's how we learned japanese.

Think about how often you guys use your phones, right? Q: There you go.

We will now give our phones to one of you.

And then please go to settings, language & region

And change our phones to japanese.

It won't faze me in the slightest.

I know the language.

Joe, I can't help but notice you didn't put your phone up.

No, one's good.

It's now all in japanese.

Oh, it's all japanese. Now, go to your texts.

Oh! Fantastic.

I have going to revisit that later.

Yeah.

Oh.

Family hacks is what this says.

First hack.

Right, this is how you'll be able to look at that.

Grandma will know how to use it.

It's all right -- it's all right there.

I've never seen anyone just crash and burn in my life.

Joe: Thank you. Murr: Thanks so much.

So this is me and my lovely wife

And most of our adorable dog, penny.

And here's me with I have nine dogs.

Great. There you go. So, thank you, guys.

By show of hands, who feels like

They've learned something of value here today?

Put a hand up. One.

One. [ laughter ]

Q: We can do one.

I'm prince, this is brian. I'm brian, hello.

And we give presentations on lifehacks

And how to make life easier -- for girls.

Yeah.

Wanna get started? Yeah, sure.

Uh, the one that people ask about the most -- money hacks.

You can check your neighbor's mailbox

For coupons and samples. Break the law.

True story. We were at red lobster once

And when the bill came, he had a 10 percent off coupon

That he had gotten from his neighbor's mailbox.

That night, it was good for $90.

So you spent $900 at red lobster?

Nine hundred bucks. Man: That's a big bill.

It was the seafood feast. Yeah.

Save big money by ordering over the phone.

This is this is great. Pretend to be a --

[ laughter ]

Save big money by ordering over the phone.

This is, this is great.

Pretend to be a --

[ laughter ]

Sal: There's something for the taking

That you can't be double checked for it, that's a hack.

Restaurants will be too cowardly to ask you to prove it.

What we're saying.

Save dort money.

Man: What's dort? Q: I'm glad you asked.

Oh, there's no.

Joe: [ laughing ] no. There's no explanation.

It's like, dort is a combination of "that"...

And "oort".

Like and "oort."

You know what I mean? Like?

Okay, I never pay for frozen yogurt again.

Look, find a container in the trash, you know.

Paint it gold.

Present it as a promotion from 1992

That gives you free fro for life.

The 16-year-old at the register will not question you.

Cowardly. Guess who's saving dort money?

♪ we gonna save dort money ♪

[ laughter ]

Business hacks. So, first things first.

Okay, because I was a victim of this.

You want to use a professional e-mail address.

So brian's college e-mail was,

Ganjaweasel69 @universityofphoenixonline.Com

Yeah. To which he did not go.

In college you want to be the guy that's known as

"ganjaweasel69" for many reasons.

Hit next.

Now, that's my new one president@gmails.

Next slide.

Dailies. Create a "frenu".

A frenu or "friend menu"

Is when you befriend people solely based on their career

So you can get free services out of them.

Like, on my frenu, I got

A dentist that cleans my teeth gratis,

A cop that got me out of two speeding tickets,

And a hit and run -- legally cannot discuss that.

And a barber that cuts my hair for free in return.

I just have to talk about him during these presentations.

[ laughter ] murr: That's prince herb's barber.

That's max zotta of men's best haircut in brooklyn.

Top-notch barber.

If you say to max, "brian and prince herb send us"

You're gonna get 10% off.

Now he's on your frenu.

[ laughter ]

So raise your hand if you think that you've learned

Anything of value from this presentation today.

Joe and murr: One. Two.

Okay. Great.

So joe and murr were total hacks,

So joe is tonight's big loser.

Hello, everyone.

Joe has lost and as you can see, you're already naked,

Which means that we're going to put you

In something to replace that.

Oh, it's not I'm going out there naked? Alright. I'm ready.

Punishment for you, not for everybody else. Got it, got it.

We don't want you to see what we put on you, buddy.

So we're going to -- you remember these?

Ah, yeah, the blackout sunglasses. There you go.

Murr: Let's get those right on your head.

Guys? Guys?

So now we're going to have you get dressed.

And then we're going to have you enter a room

And your punishment will begin then.

And you're not supposed to know anything prior to that.

Okay, it's cold. Can I get dressed?

-Alright, joey, here you go. -Hey, there he is.

Good morning, everybody. How are you?

Sal: Today we have a bunch of educators here,

And joe is going to be work shopping his presentation

That he's to be taking to schools all across the country.

Welcome, everybody. Thanks so much for coming.

I appreciate it.

I'm work shopping presentation for the room.

Alright, joe.

Here we go. The human body. Okay?

So who am I? My name is joseph menarchy.

My goal is to educate our nation's youth

About their changing bodies.

Note my partner, cindy glass has left our crew.

So I've be doing this presentation solo.

Okay, today we'll be focusing on the miracle

That is the female body.

Let's enter it. Here we go.

Alright. So now you have to take your clothes off.

Okay. So here we go.

Q: Look at 'em. Look at 'em.

Okay, today we'll be focusing on the miracle

That is the female body.

Alright, so now you have to take your clothes off.

[ laughter ]

Okay. Um...

Q: Look at 'em. Look at 'em.

This was cindy's suit.

It was an anatomically correct, female.

This is a real character from our childhood.

Google slim goodbody if you don't know who it is.

The man with a nice robe from the '80s

That taught children about their bodies.

Okay, so here we go.

Why is my bod a-changing, mr. Joey?

Q: Look at this guy.

Okay, no need to call me mr. Joey.

You can't stop changing that bod. Okay.

Body hair. Take care of it.

Uh, shave it.

Uh, wax it.

Pluck it.

Burn it.

Uh, just get rid of it.

Or, you can keep it, but, really?

You're going to keep it?

[ laughter ]

Your budding breasts journey.

I'm really missing cindy at this point.

Okay, little swellings to start.

Then darkening of the nippleolas.

Finally big round full breasts.

Often lopsided, often for life.

It's really the journey of the breasts

That we take the children through here.

The girls know when they start, with little lumpy dumpies

They're gonna work their way up.

[ laughter ]

-Lumpy dumpies? -Lumpy dumpies.

When will my perfect breasts stop growing?

Uh, depends, it could be feb.

And that's pr-- that's about it, I think that covers all of it.

[ laughter ]

True or false, you can't get pregnant with braces.

We hear this all the time.

False.

-She's got braces. -While statistically women

With braces get pregnant less often than women without braces,

The only true pregnancy protection are the jimmy hats.

[ laughter ]

I'm not sure why I'm in this suit for this.

Uh, your haunches. Okay.

Okay. A woman's developing haunches

Are necessary to descend down a steep embankment.

Underdeveloped haunches.

[ laughter ]

Thank you, ladies.

Join me tomorrow as I present to the fellas.

Murr: Whoo!

By the way, if you're wondering...

And by the way, if you guys are wondering...

...Suit's reversible... ...The suit's reversible...

...So I wear this for the boys.

...So I wear this, wear this for the boys.

Show 'em the back.

Oh.

So, you can see the boy's penis.

So any feedback?

Woman: But where is the first roll out of this happening?

Sal: Connecticut. Uh...

Oh, where? In connecticut schools.

Uh, yeah. In connecticut.

Then when we get thrown out of there,

We go right across to new hampshire.

We're close enough to get to new hampshire

In case it doesn't go right.

Get thrown out of new hampshire, right to massachusetts.

If you get thrown out of new hampshire,

I can just, I'll just go over to --

I go over to the ferry in newport to rhode island.

From there, we flee the country to canada.

If things get real rough, I flee to canada,

I go right to canada. Niagara, take a picture.

And I'm out, I flee.

They put up with stuff like this in canada.

This is actually based on a canadian tv show.

Yes, I do wear this around the house.

And I do wear this around the house,

In case anybody's wondering.

[ laughter ]

I think we've had enough of all this.

[ laughter ]

-Bravo! Very good, joey! -Nice, joey.