Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up -- what's got prince herb

Dropping under the radar?

Just duck a little bit when this passes.

[ laughter ]

Is q looking for junk in the trunk?

[ laughing ] "I'm starting to find trees sexy.

I need some." "I need some."

[ laughter ]

And which losing joker will have the tomatoes flying

In tonight's dramatic punishment?

-We've seen enough. -We've seen enough.

[ laughter ]

Prince herb: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Prince herb: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Prince herb: Winter came like a banshee.

Guys, I'm a businessman, and I'm freaking out.

Tomorrow's the pitch meeting for our new inventions.

Well, don't worry, murr. Lucky for us,

There'll be an unsuspecting office worker

That we'll be able to practice our pitch with.

Okay, but the twist is that we have no idea what the product is

Because it's been made by the other guys.

If they think your product sucks, you lose.

-Oh, boy, look at this strut. -Joe's got the 9-5 strut.

[ laughter ]

I mean, I'll be ready -- I'll be ready for that pitch tomorrow.

No problems.

All right, talk to you later.

-How you doing? -Hi. How's it going?

-I'm hansel. -Hansel. I love it.

Hansel, I gotta -- I got this side gig going on.

You wanna help me out with something? Yeah, sure.

-Come on over. -Yeah.

Have a seat right here.

I'm gonna be pitching a product

To the boss man tomorrow. All right, that would be nice.

So I'd love to, you know, talk you through it,

Practice my pitch, if you have any questions. Yeah, sure.

Here we go. Check this out.

Murr: That is a windshield-wiper phone case.

[ laughter ]

So this is a windshield-wiper phone case, okay?

This goes right on your desk at work.

So this is a space-saving device.

-[ laughing ] space-saving. -[ laughs ]

Your phone goes right in here.

There's a windshield wiper,

Just goes left to right with your standard --

Yep, there you go. Like that.

So it cleans nice and easy, right?

But the other button squirts the liquid.

Sometimes you've got too much smudge, hansel,

And you want to give it a real good shot.

You just push that. Whoa. All right.

[ laughter ]

Hold the button down.

-Sounds really good. -Okay.

[ laughter ]

It's -- you get wet.

Sorry. It's got...

There is a way to -- there is a way to adjust this

So it doesn't come in so hot, yeah.

These are the same windshield wipers on the iss.

And these are the same windshield wipers on the iss,

The international space station.

All right. Oh.

You know, all the liquid in space.

What else can I tell you about it?

"it has a six-year warranty. It should be good for three."

Six-year warranty comes with it.

Good for three years.

[ laughter ]

"I know what you're thinking."

So I know what you're thinking, hansel.

"why not just use a cloth?"

Can't I just clean my phone with a cloth?

Right.

It's not the same, though. No, it's not the same.

Exactly right, yeah.

"do you think somebody would buy it?"

Do you think so-- you think people will buy it?

Honestly. I'm being honest, yeah.

Great.

[ sputters ] come on, man.

Hey, scott. Yeah, no, I just ran the presentation

By the guy here, hansel.

Yeah, I crushed that shit.

Murr: Well done, joe.

-All right. -[ laughs ] yeah. There he is.

There's a man who means business.

Look at him. Here he comes.

Hello! Hello.

What's up, baby?

[ laughter ]

Wow. Prince herb's got that swag.

Can I ask your opinion on something? Absolutely.

If you want to take a second, I'll show you.

I would love your feedback.

All right. By the way, you might want to give her a pair

Of those safety goggles we put for you.

Take one of those.

What is your name? Kate.

Oh, hey, kate. Prince. Prince.

Yeah, prince herb. Prince herb?

Yes. All right, so...

That's the macrowave, buddy.

Obviously you've heard of the microwave.

Uh-huh. Of course.

So this is the macrowave.

Q: I cooked everything outside the microwave.

What you want to not cook, you put inside the microwave.

It's very simple.

So you would set up dinner on the table here, right,

In the plates that they'd be served in.

Now, you turn on the macrowave.

-Hit that button, buddy. -And...

The macrowave is going to send out waves

To cook like the microwave does on the inside,

But it's going to cook whatever food is

In the room on the table.

Just watch which direction it turns, buddy.

But anything in this sort of --

Just duck a little bit when this passes, just...

[ laughter ]

Shooting out death rays.

Basically, it's set it and forget it.

That's what we're aiming for here.

May I ask a question? Please.

Is this safe to have at home?

"as long as you're not in front of it."

As long as you're not in front of it, yeah.

So, across the street.

What's the problem most people have with microwaves?

They break? They break,

But everything doesn't fit inside.

Oh, true that. Okay. Yeah. Right?

So this one, we want to give speed

But we want to give volume,

Because if you're cooking for a family of five,

You're not cooking that all in the microwave.

Nice, prince herb!

Okay, so the people at the pitch --

Are they gonna have to, like, duck like this?

-They should. -Oh, most definitely.

Yeah, they should. Yeah, just...

[ laughter ]

And it's dangerous if I have to keep ducking.

Only if you're in front of it, so if you just duck right now

And you have the goggles on, you're totally --

-Can we can we turn it off? -"can we turn it off?"

Yeah, yeah, I'll turn it off.

Let me -- let me -- let's take our glasses off, yeah.

Okay, can I bring the folders over here? Yeah, please.

Okay, 'cause I need to -- I don't know --

She does not want to be anywhere near this machine.

Yeah. You can bring them over.

Yeah, I can do -- I can talk to you from here.

[ laughter ]

Turn it on and point it towards her.

[ laughter ]

I think what everybody is gonna be concerned about

Is their safety.

-Right. -It's aimed right at her.

You think safety is the issue?

Do you have something that you can -- macrowaves are like?

"it's like four or five mris."

You've had an mri in your life, maybe? Yes.

It's about four or five mris.

[ laughter ]

If I were to not duck... Right.

...What would happen? Why am I ducking?

"oh, you would cook." [ laughs ]

Yeah, you -- well, we don't want you to cook.

You understand what I mean?

You feel fine, right?

-I've been ducking. -Yeah.

Joe: There's no way prince herb is getting this.

"the question is simple -- do you think my product is ready?"

Do you think it's ready to pitch tomorrow?

Should I be postponing this? Like...

Absolutely postpone it.

[ laughter ]

Yeah. Point taken, kate.

[ buzzer ]

Murr: You lose, buddy.

-There he goes. -Oh, yeah.

-Man on a mission. -Ooh!

-Oh, hello. -Hi. How are you?

Are you here working today? Yes.

-What is your name? -Amber.

Amber, did you mind if I run something by you?

Is that okay? That's fine.

There you go, bud.

Tomorrow I'm pitching a brand-new product

To the president of the firm.

The product's right behind you, buddy.

It is right here, and I know what you're thinking --

What is that? Let me tell you.

Here we go. [ laughs ]

It is a tanning bed for children.

[ laughter ]

You get it. You get it.

So, here they are.

Look at how happy and tan these children are.

They look like a hot dog.

So, you know, we did a lot of consumer testing,

And we found out that 9 out of 10 children

Wish they were tanner,

But also are intimidated by the size and heft

Of a typical tanning machine.

You know, a child hates sunscreen.

It gets in their eyes. They cry. It hurts.

They don't understand it. How do we fix that?

You get a base tan. We all know this.

Now, I just have a question. Yeah?

All kids are not, like, the average height.

Some are a little. Larger. Sure.

This is, like, gonna be the typical size, or...

"comes in 14 different models."

We would be manufacturing 14 different models,

From age 1 through 14. Okay.

Open it up, murr. Open it up.

-Okay. -There you go.

Joe: Murr, flip that switch on. There's a light in there.

Oh!

I mean, that's just, you know,

Uvs blasting right in their young eyes, you know?

Just bombarding them

With high-quality ultraviolet radiation.

We're trying to solve pasty-white skin.

[ laughter ]

All right, murr, ask her if she thinks it's ready.

So do you think -- do you think

This is a great product to bring to market?

-Um... -Come on, amber.

-Ah! -Come on, amber.

-Yes. -Yeah, great.

How can we accept that response?

Thanks, amber. Take care.

[ laughter ]

Joe: And there's the walk of a champion.

-Murr. -Yeah.

-I got a foolproof plan. -Really?

-Wow. -All right, there he is.

Aah! Wh-- oh! [bleep]

[ laughter ]

I didn't know they brought anybody in here.

You scared the [bleep] out of me!

Ooh! How are you?

I'm well. How are you?

He's trying to elicit sympathy.

-Yes. -Smart.

What is your name? I'm sky.

Sky? I'm brian.

Tomorrow I'm showing my boss a potential product.

And if you wouldn't mind,

I'd love to give you the quick pitch and just --

You want to give me a pitch? Please. Have a seat.

Good job, q.

We'll just get right to it. Okay.

And this is...

Q, that's the dustang.

This is the dustang.

[ laughter ]

-You get it? -Nerd out.

[ laughter ]

Q: I'm showing my boss a potential product.

Okay. And this is...

Q, that's the dustang.

This is the dustang.

[ laughter ]

-You get it? -Nerd out.

It's a dustang. Get it? It's a -- I got it.

It's a dustbuster and a mustang

Put together... Wow. A dustang.

...To a dustang, and it's just like...

It works and, uh, you know, uh...

Great pitch so far.

Q: It teaches kids how to clean

While they're playing with a car.

And it's for ladies. Got it. Well...

-Oh! -Oh, might be losing her.

[ laughing ] I wouldn't have...

They certainly did go out of their way

To put the sparkles and the pink on it... Yeah.

...Which would lend it a certain feminine flair. Right.

So why don't we just go with that? Okay.

So, what this is, is like -- it's a car, right,

For girls, 'cause, you know, cars aren't just for boys... That's right.

...But also, at the same time...

"cleaning's not just for girls."

...It trains children... Okay.

...The future cleaners of america. To clean.

There'll be a male one, too. There'll be a blue one. Okay.

So it's not just a sexist thing that's good.

We'll put, like, spiderman or some shit on it,

You know what I mean, for the boys or, like,

You know, like, a gun firing off

And missiles and stuff like that.

And, you know, the boys' car, of course,

Would have a number 1 on it, the girls' number 2.

But, you know, that's just...

-What?! -Easy there, buddy.

Why would they be number 1?

No, they shouldn't. Okay.

That's what I'm saying.

I think that's what the prototype was,

And I think 1 would be the popemobile,

And then 2 would be girls and then 3 boys.

-All right, yeah, something. -Gross.

[ laughter ]

All right, q. "is this a good product?"

So it's got -- you just -- you think that --

This is good, right? I should --

You won't hurt my feelings.

This I should -- I should present this to market?

Yeah, I bet they'd like that. Yeah.

-Oh! -Oh!

Was that a yes? Are we giving him a yes on that?

We know it's a no, but she did say yes.

That's good enough for me.

[ laughter ]

Narrator: Prince herb got cooked,

So he's first up on the loser board.

Q and joe are eligible bachelors,

And they need help from a stranger

Filling out their dating profiles.

The catch is I made his.

And I made his.

At the end, they'll ask the person helping them

To rate their profile on a scale from 1 to 10,

And whichever one of them gets the lowest score loses.

What, does your zipper have a dongle on it?

-What's going on with you? -I liked it, no?

[ laughs ]

How's it going? Good. How you doing?

Good. Very well, thanks. I'm joe. Duke.

Duke, good to see you, man. Nice to meet you.

[ laughing ] so, joe and a guy who's 20 times cooler

Than he could ever hope to be.

I was working on my dating profile. Mm-hmm.

I wanted to kill some time.

Do you want to give me a little bit of...

Yeah, I got you. I got you.

-Yeah. -He's in.

I can actually cast to the tv. I saw it there, so...

Murr: All right, here we go.

So, uh, I put my tab of footballbeerdogs.

Q: [ laughing ] "footballbeerdogs."

[ laughter ]

Self summary --

"a kind, compassionate, and loving person.

Estranged father of two looking for a do-over." mm.

"estranged father"! "estranged."

Joe: Um, my best quality is my muffin top.

Yeah. "grab a hold and enjoy the ride."

I thought that -- I see you smile.

Yeah, no, that's gonna -- definitely gonna

Grab some attention. That's right.

[ laughter ]

So the next one is, "my perfect partner is..."

"they say guys like women that remind them of their mom,

So a good cook, loves kids and animals,

And bu-- and buxom."

[ laughter ]

What's a buxom body type, specifically?

You know... Yeah. All right.

She got them biddies, you know what I'm saying?

No, I -- I catch your drift.

[ laughter ]

Well, "had." she's dead.

You know, she had them. Um...

[ laughter ]

Okay, "my favorite memory from my childhood is

Putting dead mice on my shoulder so barn owls

Would kiss my cheeks with their wings."

Prince herb: [ laughing ] the smile is going south.

That one -- you see...

[ laughter ]

Duke, don't worry about. We know.

They might see that and be like,

"um, I don't know."

Right. That might be a little too weird?

Yeah.

Should I not use the word "dead"?

Put "mice"? Put "mice"? Yeah.

Yeah, that got to go.

"dead"'s gotta go. You're right.

"three things I can never do without

Are food, air, toilet." hey.

Yeah, I took that pretty literally.

"well, I guess I could do without a toilet,

'cause I could just deposit wherever."

I mean, I guess -- if we're gonna have to remove one,

You need food and air to live. You don't need the toilet.

[ whiny voice ] "but I need it."

[ whiny voice ] but I need it.

[ normal voice ] I don't want the toilet to turn people off.

Like, the food and air you know you need.

[ whiny voice ] but I need the toilet.

"my toily!"

You know, everybody knows that. Right. Absolutely.

But it's on the top of my list 'cause I need my "toily."

Yeah.

I call it "toily," too, so I was gonna put "toily,"

But I don't think people will know what that means.

If you do that... Yeah.

...They're gonna be like... Oh.

Yeah. Conversation starter.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, yeah! [bleep] toilet.

Yeah. I'm gonna put "toily."

Yeah.

And that's it.

I mean, on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you say this is?

How dateable am I on a scale of 1 to 10?

I would say 10. 10!

[ laughing ] oh! Wow.

All right, awesome. Nice meeting you, duke.

Thanks for the help, buddy. I appreciate it.

-No problem. -Take care.

I gotta use the "toily."

[ laughter ]

Joe: All right, q.

I mean, I can take it easy back here, buddy.

Yeah, you did pretty good.

Flying high on my perfect duke 10.

Man: You can just have a seat on the couch.

-Okay. -Hello.

-Hello. -Oh, here we go.

Oh, I'm a little embarrassed now.

Why?

Just filling out a, uh, online dating thing.

Oh, don't be.

Listen, I just did one the other day.

Did you? Oh, maybe you can help me with this.

You want to give me some advice on this?

-Okay, sure, sure. -She's in.

-What is your name? -Maya.

-Maya? I'm brian. -Okay, nice to meet you.

-Right. Okay, so that's me. -Okay.

-"mrhandsome." -yes, yes.

"how I feel about myself."

Okay. So, my self summary, I wrote,

"there's still time to turn it all around."

[ laughter ]

'cause I figure, like, somebody's gonna look at me,

They're gonna see flaws. Mm-hmm.

But I'm gonna give the impression that, "hey, man,

I could still turn this mess around."

Yeah, mm-hmm. You know?

"not much time."

Not much time. I'm running out of time.

All right, here's why I'm ready for a relationship. Okay.

[ laughing ] "I'm starting to find trees sexy.

I need some." "I need some."

[ laughter ]

I was looking out at my yard, and there's a tree out there

And it's got -- like, some curves?

Oh!

[ laughter ]

I figure the truth is always funny.

You know what I mean? Look at that thing.

So good. You seem normal.

Oh, so far so good. Uh, okay.

"my perfect partner is chris jericho."

He'd be the best tag-team partner ever.

[ laughter ]

I would love to wrestle with that guy, man.

Yeah. Yeah.

Pop a little of the bubbly,

Me and him get in the ring together. Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Oof! "I spend a lot of time thinking about [chuckles]

If I..."

[ laughter ]

Oof! "I spend a lot of time thinking about [chuckles]

If I clone myself and fight myself,

Who would win?"

You think about that?

No, I've never thought about that.

No? Do you think you could take a clone of yourself in a fight?

You know what? I think the clone would win.

Really? Because I can't fight.

But then neither would your clone be able to.

Yeah, but I feel like the clone would have

A little more something, you know?

Oh, like they put in a little woodpecker dna.

Suddenly it's like, "bang, bang, bang, bang, bang!"

I'm sorry. Did you say, "woodpecker dna"?

What is -- what is going on?

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Whenever you're ready to get back to the dating profile,

Buddy, [laughs] we're all set.

Oh, all right, wow.

"me, a haiku.

Bulging at the seams."

You read it. Let me hear how it sounds.

"bulging at the seams.

Is it a rotting pumpkin, or is it just me?"

[ laughter ] oh, I like it. I like it. [ laughs ]

Oh, my god! What else can we do?

She might get you.

So on a scale of 1 to 10, what do you think this is?

I'm not even gonna lie. Don't lie.

If I was looking at this, I would be like,

"10, boom, message."

All: Whoa!

He had to a perfect score, and he did it.

Well, that feels pretty good.

Wow!

Narrator: Joe and q are perfect 10s,

Making prince herb tonight's big loser.

-All right! -Yes!

Prince herb is our loser, so today for your punishment,

We decided to book you a huge audition.

-That's right. -An audition.

You're gonna be playing the role of pompous jerk

Auditioning for a tv show. Got it, okay.

All you got to do is act like we tell you to

In front of the casting director.

You're not gonna get the part.

[ laughter ]

Yeah, we have all different things here

That we're kind of reading for.

So the casting assistant's job is just to read the script.

Murr: Meghan and johnna are producers on our show,

And they can hear everything we say.

-Hi. -Hi. How are you?

Hi. How are you?

"my, what a lovely ragtag bunch we have here."

What a lovely ragtag bunch we have here today.

[ laughter ]

And what's your name?

Murr: "if you don't know my name,

You're clearly in the wrong business."

I mean, [chuckles]

If you guys don't know my name,

You're clearly in the wrong business.

[ laughter ]

-I'm meghan. -Hi, how are you, meghan?

-I'm marla. -Marla, pleasure.

-And johnna. -Johnna. Got it.

Prince herb, you just have this little thing that you do

To memorize people's names.

You make a little song out of their names.

-[ laughs ] yeah. -Yeah.

So we're gonna be reading "bro hall."

♪ meghan went down to the shore ♪

♪ she saw marla and johnna ♪

[ laughter ]

That's how I remember names. Sorry.

"okay, maureen, whenever you're ready."

[ laughter ]

♪ meghan went down to the shore ♪

♪ she saw marla and johnna ♪

[ laughter ]

That's how I remember names. Sorry.

"okay, maureen, whenever you're ready."

[ laughter ]

Whenever you're ready, maureen.

-Great. Let's get into it. -Okay.

"sorry. Who's chewing gum? Someone's chewing gum."

I'm sorry. Who -- is someone -- who's chewing gum?

Is someone chewing gum?

Are you chewing gum? So, no gum?

"if you wouldn't mind spitting that the [bleep] out."

If you wouldn't mind spitting that the [bleep] out,

That'd be great.

[ laughter ]

"interior, interrogation room. Two detectives walk in."

By the way, you're a street thug --

Latino in the script.

Hola, angel. I'm fuentes. We're here to talk.

[ latino accent ] I love talking, ese.

Did you bring what I asked for?

I like to have a little pastry with my bacon.

Oink, oink, oink, muchachos.

[ laughter ]

Great kills bait and tackle. Sound familiar?

That's where I get my bait [chuckles] and tackle.

You want to talk where I get my pizza?

It's at the pizzeria.

Stop smiling, you wet snake.

I guess that makes you the good cop, fuentes?

"fuentes stands up and..."

[ laughter ] look at him!

So, I was at the bait and tackle shop, big whoop.

I like to fish. [ speaks spanish ]

El es estupido.

Oh, by the way, we put some spanish in there for you, buddy.

Mi madre [speaks halting spanish]

[ laughter ]

-We have other scripts. -Oh, okay, okay, okay.

-Yeah. -"resurrection moon"?

Oh, yeah. So that'll be script...Four, marla?

Joe: Talk to the reader. "feeding off your energy."

I just -- I'm feeding off your energy, you know?

"so good but not great."

So good, not great.

[ laughter ]

Winter came like a banshee.

[ laughter ]

Show me what it feels like.

"I'm sorry, could you stop clicking your tongue?"

Sorry, can you just not click your tongue?

Because then it throws off my reading.

-"he grabs her shoulders." -perform with your back to them.

[ laughter ]

I no more a farmer than you was a dancer on the great white way.

-Um, prince herb? -Yes.

Sorry, you've cheated all the way kind of around.

Show me what it feels like to die.

Oh, by the way, in the script, sal's a vampire.

[ thick accent ] I would never do this to thee.

You can't read this line slow enough.

I...Am...Miserable...

[ laughter ]

...Beyond all living... Things.

Finish fast.

[ speaks quickly and indistinctly ]

[ laughter ]

Start sprinkling in some curses.

What did [bleep] they say?

[ laughter ]

Let me be like you.

I will not [bleep] hear thee!

[ laughter ]

[ normal voice ] would you like me to read anything else?

"yeah. Could you do that but more like a 'twilight' vampire?"

I was wondering if we could do it more like

A "twilight" vampire?

"rippling abs, no shirt kind of thing."

Rippling abs, no shirt kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ]

Yeah, you got the right guy. Yeah.

"I'm gonna need more from her in the middle, though."

I will need -- I-I, yeah. [speaks indistinctly]

I will need more from [chuckles] marla in the middle,

A little "hit me there" but, you know,

We'll get there together, you know what I'm telling you?

God bless everybody. You know what?

I'm want to do an improv scene.

[ laughing ] oh, yeah?

And don't worry about the lines, just the heart.

Am I the character that I just was?

You're a young, hip, sexy vampire.

It's still gonna be? It's still gonna be the --

Got it, okay.

Meghan, just say, "abs."

-Abs. -Yep.

[ laughter ]

Zevine, where are you?

What do you mean, marla?

Where aren't I? [ laughter ]

I want to be with you.

"for real? Do you mean for real? Or are you saying just..."

That was -- was that for real that you...?

[ laughter ]

No. We're acting. We're acting?

We're acting. That was good,

'cause I was feeling like -- that was great.

Got it. I get this now. Okay, get it.

Zevine, where are you?

Marla, I've been here the whole time.

Meghan, say, "hipper."

Hipper. Mm-hmm.

Marla, I've been here the whole time, girl.

-"more hip." -more hip.

-What? -More hip.

Yep, yep, yep, yep. [ laughter ]

Where am I?

-"abs." -abs.

Yep.

[ laughter ]

Where am I?

I've been here the whole time.

-We've seen enough. -We've seen enough.

Oh!

Okay.

Thank you. Have a good one.

-Thanks very much. -Thanks for coming through.

Have a good day.

"he was young enough and he was hip enough,

But I don't know if he was sexy enough."

I mean, he was young enough, he was hip enough,

But I'm not sure if he was sexy enough.

Not for me, but...

[ laughter ]

Prince herb, burst back in.

I can't let you go, girl.

There's only one thing I have to say.

-We're good, thanks. -Thanks.

Thank you, thank you.

[ laughter and applause ]