Original subtitles

Warning, the following program contains scenes

Of graphic stupidity among four lifelong friends

Who compete to embarrass each other.

Narrator: Coming up, what's got joe talking trash?

Let's go, you absolute pieces of garbage!

Does murr have an unbridled past?

I used to be a wild stallion.

[ laughter ]

And which losing joker will have to play it by ear

In tonight's punishment?

What?

♪♪

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

I kidnap squirrels in my neighborhood.

Today, we're at topgolf,

Posing as actors shooting a role in their newest commercial.

The catch is, it's not a real commercial.

It's just an excuse to pair us with another actor

Who thinks it's a real commercial.

The goal is to do and say

Whatever you're told by the other guys.

If you refuse,

You'll never work in this industry again.

Basically, we're just gonna get some b-roll.

We have some food. We're gonna maybe take some shots.

Q: Our producer, jay miller will be playing

The role of the director today.

I'll go first. There you go.

Q: Just scream right before you swing,

"let's go, you pieces of human garbage!"

Okay, here we go. You ready?

I'm ready. Let go.

Jay: And action.

Let's go, you absolute pieces of garbage!

[ tenderloins laughing ]

Uh, cut.

Joe, who exactly are you yelling to?

The pieces of garbage. The pieces of garbage.

You could see how it's odd.

Agree to disagree. Yeah.

[ tenderloins laughing ]

I'm gonna give you a line and you'll deliver it to joe.

Be like, "I'm having the best time.

Topgolf."

Joe, mouth the words as he says them.

Okay, here we go. And action.

I'm having the best time. Topgolf.

Alright, cut. Cut.

Were you mouthing the words while he was saying it?

Was I? Yeah.

Uh-huh. Oh, I was?

I'm so into it.

Joe, pinch your right nipple as hard as you can

In order to not say something.

Do it again. And action.

I'm having the best time. Topgolf.

Slap yourself to keep serious.

I'm having the best time. Topgolf.

Keep going till you feel like we got a good one.

You know, I'm having the best time. Topgolf.

I'm having the best time. Topgolf.

You know, I'm having the best time. Topgolf. Murr: Pinch your nipple. Slap yourself.

Chew on some chips.

You know, I'm having the best time. Topgolf.

Alright, cut. Cut.

Yeah, so you guys ready?

Just beat the crap out of your own balls.

Right. Here we go. Action.

I'm having the best time. Topgolf.

Joe, do whatever you got to do to keep a straight face.

And action.

I'm having the best time. Topgolf.

I'm having the best time. Topgolf.

Alright, that's a wrap. We got it!

Oh, god. Thank god.

My nards.

[ laughing ]

Keith, right?

James. James.

I'm just gonna see. We're just gonna get loose.

If you guys want to get -- loose up a little bit.

Legit critique his look from head to toe.

What are you looking at, murr? What are you looking at, buddy?

Keith. James.

Talk to me about the choices that have been --

Are you gonna tidy up for the shoot or...

Why, am I looking rough?

Do some improv exercises with your new buddy here, murr.

Let's do some improv to warm up, okay?

Let's do, like, shadows. You know, like --

Right?

♪♪

♪♪

Guys, what the [bleep] are you doing?

Okay, action.

Murr, talk to him all politely and then just squeak in a,

"hey, keith, leave some fries for the rest of us."

So you said you're from connecticut, right?

Do me a favor, keith.

Just keep some fries for the rest of us, right?

I'll do what I please, james.

Thank you.

You know what? We're actually just gonna use keith.

Oh. Yeah.

If we can cut you from the scene for a minute.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Sure.

[ laughing ]

So, keith, you're watching great golf here.

Just give big reactions to it, alright?

And action.

[ gasps ]

Now, murr, you're gonna slowly inch behind him

Like, on your phone, and just try and horn into the scene.

Got it.

[ sinister music plays ]

Mimic him, murray. Mimic him.

Keith, big reactions.

Hey, hey!

Ohh!

That's it! That's it!

Hey, hey, hey. What the [bleep] are you doing?

I knew he was back there the whole time.

No, I told you to get out of the scene.

I mean, it was a great shot.

But the shot is me, brother. Get over there.

Murray's being out-comedianed on his own show.

You're the straight man, murr.

You're the straight man in this scene.

You're funnier than me.

Can we get a replacement for this guy?

He's really kind of messing with my scene.

[ cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Sal: Q's in a commercial! Oh, look at him. Wow!

I hope it doesn't go to his head.

Q: Brandon, right? How you doing? Yes, sir.

Murr: Q, tell the director

That this is a nice change of pace for you

Because you're usually typecast as an imbecile.

This is a nice change of pace for me.

Yeah? I'm usually just typecast as, like, an imbecile.

Really? Yeah.

Jay: We're gonna start in 2 minutes. Okay.

Brag about how many dead bodies you've played on tv.

Imbeciles I get and dead bodies.

I was on five episodes of "law and order: Svu."

Yeah, you play corpses and anything or just...? No.

I've never done anything like that before.

No. It's cool 'cause you get the lay there all day.

Really? Yeah.

Alright, so we're gonna start with

You guys just hanging out around the table.

Act natural.

Q, get in the oddest position you can.

Looking good. Alright.

And action.

Brandon: What's going on? Okay, yeah. How's it going?

They are making these strong.

Got some watered-down sprite over here.

No, I'm acting. I'm acting.

It's not really alcohol.

Oh, no, no. I know.

Oh. [ laughs ]

Jay: Alright, cut.

Where are you from?

From russia. Russia?

Q, get confused as to when you're acting

And when they're acting.

You guys aren't acting right now, right?

Right now? Yeah.

No. 'cause he said cut, right?

I want to make sure we're relevant.

Maybe I'll shoehorn in some politics.

I just wonder if, like, we've done enough

That was socially relevant already.

Should I try and inject some politics into it?

Do you naturally talk about politics?

No.

You're standing like, "okay, just be natural."

She's making fun of you!

Jay: Alright, guys, we're ready to go again.

Q, as soon as he yells action, be like,

"so, who'd you vote for?"

Jay: And action.

So who'd you guys vote for?

Nope. No, no.

I know both of you voted for, right?

So basically, we're shooting some b-roll today.

We want to see you guys just being friends,

Having fun. Loose, fun at topgolf.

Let's see you hit a ball. Oh, cool.

Q: Jay, say this -- "so, clearly,

There's no world the two of you have ever been together.

So you're just cousins? You're cousins."

Okay, so clearly there's no world

Where the two of you guys would be together.

So. Okay.

You guys are just cousins, alright?

Okay. Great.

Look at the face. I love it.

Yeah. Let's get you guys up at the pub table.

This is some b.S.

This is not the way a real commercial works at all.

They filed you, too? They did.

The wardrobe guy gave me these pants, actually.

Actually, the wardrobe guy gave me these jeans,

Because I spilled coffee on my nards.

I had spilled coffee on...

♪♪

Woman: They filed you, too.

Actually, the wardrobe guy gave me these jeans.

Because I spilled coffee on my nards.

[ sighs ]

They gave me the jeans when I got here, too,

Because I had spilled coffee earlier on my nards.

Mm.

Jay: Alright, you ready? And action.

Yeah.

So what do you like to do? What are some of the things...

I kidnap squirrels in the neighborhood.

In real life?

Yeah, real life.

I kidnap squirrels in my neighborhood.

Let me tell you a really interesting story.

Yeah, I'll tell you a real funny story.

One time under my porch, a skunk fell asleep.

A skunk fell asleep under our porch.

Right, so I went under there and I saw the skunk sleeping.

I went under there, saw the skunk sleeping, right?

And... [ chuckles ] right?

Murr: Wait, is that the story?

Oh. Yeah.

Jay: I want you guys to look kind of like you're having more fun,

So maybe let's not talk about squirrels and skunks.

Jay, say, "I'll be honest. The conversation is real weird."

I'll be honest. The conversation is real weird.

Alright.

And action.

So you're completely in your head at this point.

Cheers. Cheers! [ chuckles ]

[ sad music plays ]

Oh, wow. Did you see how far they shot?

Wow.

Skunk.

Skunk.

You can't say "skunk."

We've got to celebrate spring.

Just...Skunk under my...

Alright, cut.

Joe: When he calls action,

I want you to go in and kill this performance.

Be perfect. And action.

Whoo, Friday! Yeah!

Topgolf!

Girl, we needed a night out.

Narrator: Everyone's performance was up to par,

So they're safe from the loser board.

Today, we're back at it at cec research,

Presenting our life stories to a focus group.

The catch is, the memoirs we'll be given

Have been written by the other guys.

At the end, we'll ask them how likely are they

To recommend our memoir on a scale from 1 to 10?

Whoever gets the lowest score loses.

♪♪

Hey, how's it going? How are you doing? Hey, dude.

My name's brian. Luca, nice to meet you.

Luca, very nice to meet you.

I'm writing a book, so it only helps me if you're honest.

So, q is not seeing his life story.

"s'moregasbord!

A heartwarming (and tasty) american tale."

Alright.

As a child, I loved s'mores,

And I turned that love of s'mores into an empire.

But unlike enjoying a s'more, it wasn't easy.

Got it.

[ laughter ]

At 35, I opened the first dreamy s'mores store

On staten island.

That's where I'm from.

Dreamy s'mores is the first

Non-greek s'mores bakery-slash-shop

On the east coast.

Hit "next."

And it was about this time that andy ps-my-is.

Joe: Psomias!

Ps -- ps... Andy's fine.

Psomias,

Self-proclaimed s'mores king of new york,

Swings by the shop to welcome me to the business.

Yep.

And that leads, unfortunately,

To the s'mores truck massacre.

Oh, no! Oh!

Psomias makes another move.

Craig deluca, an 18-year-old s'mores truck driver,

Disappears while at work.

The deluca boy.

What is believed to be craig deluca's body

Washes up in clove lakes park.

Identification is difficult due to the removal

Of craig's fingers, toes, eyeballs, and genitals.

Any questions so far? Oh, no, I love it.

I love it right now absolutely.

I love this tale of massacres.

The high road.

I decide that a s'mores war isn't what's best for business.

Okay?

I bury my mutilated chef, I hire a new one,

And I move forward without retribution.

Wow, he turns the other cheek. That's right. Turn the other s'more.

Dreamy s'mores into the mainstream.

This is great -- signed smash mouth

To be the official spokesman for dreamy s'mores.

Okay.

We put out a special edition green swamp s'mores edition

To celebrate the release of "shrek." I [bleep] love "shrek."

I went on a cruise... Yeah.

...Just because there was a guy dressed as shrek,

To take a picture with him.

This [bleep] guy needs his own show.

Please buy my book if you want to know s'mores.

When the book gonna be?

I want to be the first one to buy it.

You want to be the first one to buy it?

Can I buy it right now? I'll give you cash right now.

You want to give me cash right away?

Right now, man. $20.

I mean, if you got $20 on you, I'll take it.

Beautiful. $50!

Joe: $50 bill? Oh, my god, this guy.

So let me ask you something.

A number, if you don't mind, from 1 to 10,

That you would recommend this book to others?

Recommend?

I'll be honest and give it an 8. 8.

[ laughing ]

♪♪

Here we are. Joe: Here we go.

Hi!

Murr has never seen the biography

That we've written for him until right now.

Here we go.

This is the story about how I survived

A plane crash in maine.

I'd say that's worth telling.

Oh, he's hooked. He's interested.

First, I'll give you a little backstory of the whole tale.

I used to be a wild stallion, alright?

I'm from montana. I grew up, I was raised there.

I made my living by breaking horses.

You just have to break the will of horses

So they could be ridden.

I destroyed...

♪♪

I made my living by breaking horses.

I destroyed hundreds of horses in the process.

So, anyways,

I get hired to travel to maine to help them train stallions.

This is a notorious stallion that could not be broken. Okay.

Gray mane, 30 hands wide, 15 hands long.

This is a serious horse.

So it's wider than it is longer?

It had sinewy, throbbing haunches.

So I board a prop plane to maine.

The plane goes down. We crash in the wilderness.

The pilots are dead. I make sure of it.

[ laughing ]

So, this is a dramatization.

Close enough, though.

I begin my arduous, 40-days journey alone in the woods.

I finally stumbled upon the great horse beast.

It was majestic. It was glorious.

I knew I had to tame it or kill it.

So I tamed it, then killed it,

Because I live a life of ands, not ors.

Anyways, so this is the gray mane.

That is a picture of the actual horse.

Looks like a moose to me.

[ tenderloins laughing ]

Did I kill a [bleep] moose?

Must have. Doesn't look like a horse to me.

Anyways.

I'm sharing the true story as I experienced it.

It's called "crash into m(ain)e, the hunt for a legendary horse."

That's definitely a moose right there. That's a moose.

That's a moose.

So on a scale of 1 to 10,

How likely would you be to recommend this memoir?

To be honest with you, I have to say 0. 0.

Oh, my god!

Is it because I killed a moose?

♪♪

Narrator: We're not moosin' around.

Murr is about to be punished.

Well, murray is our big loser.

Joe: Murray, you're gonna be on a panel discussion

In front of a studio audience

That's being taped for broadcast.

Everyone will be in headphones, but here's the catch.

Your headphones pump nothing but loud static into your ears,

So you cannot hear anything

That's actually going on or being said.

But, gentlemen, how will I know what to say?

Murray, you're gonna have to trust us.

I don't.

Joe: So, murr is sitting on a panel.

The topic is, "did the internet ruin america?"

Murray's gonna have a lot of opinions that are not his own.

So, this is how this thing works --

Whenever we push this button, he can hear us talk.

Otherwise, he's listening to this.

[ static buzzes ]

Annoying, right?

Thanks for joining us. Woman: Thanks for having us.

The only person who knows what's going on

In this room is casey.

Casey: Alright. Welcome, everybody.

Today on the panel, we have christina harris,

Executive engagement manager at dark trace,

The world's leading cyber-a.I. Company.

[ static buzzes ]

All he's doing right now is sitting in that room

Looking at everybody and hearing nothing but static.

Okay, next we have caroline payne.

Caroline is a regular on wnpr's "the nose."

And last we have james davies,

A media and communications expert from princeton.

Say "that's right." that's right.

Okay, and you graduated from princeton?

I live in princeton. I live in princeton.

And do you have a degree from princeton?

Do you have a degree from princeton?

Do you have a degree from princeton?

♪♪

I'm gonna switch gears a little bit.

In one word, what's your greatest fear

About artificial intelligence?

Unemployment.

Caroline? Takeover.

Murr, come up with one word --

Any word in the world that you want.

Canada.

Let him hear. Bring the static down.

[ static quiets ]

You're talking about artificial intelligence.

The first word, for you, that strikes fear is "canada"?

Y--

[ laughing ]

Joe: Explain that away, buddy!

Casey: We're talking about artificial intelligence.

The first word, for you, that strikes fear is "canada"?

Y--

[ tenderloins laughing ]

Explain that away, buddy!

Let me explain.

Canada, in terms of a.I.,

Uh, we all know there's a large amount of, uh...

He's so flustered!

Take a sip of water.

Okay, so we're gonna switch over to...

Bring up the noise so murr can't hear anymore.

...To technology now that you might...

[ static buzzes ]

Children today will have over 2,000 images of themselves

On the internet by the time they get old.

How does that make you feel?

They're not always horrible pictures.

Okay. Like birthday parties.

So, james, you know, how does that make you feel?

Pontooned. Pontooned.

Bring him down.

[ static quiets ]

...The study saying that children today will have

Over 2,000 images of themselves on the internet

By the time they get old. Yeah.

And you answered "pontooned."

What do you mean?

Uh, pontooned, meaning that...

Bring the noise up. Bring the noise up.

In a very similar way...

[ static buzzes ]

Now you can't hear what they're saying!

The boat has left the island, so to speak,

Almost like being pontoons.

So let me stop you there.

We are freely giving away our data.

If I could jump in. If I could stop you there.

It's staggering, the amount of privacy

That they give away freely.

If I could just stop you for a second --

You know, what it comes down to is parental controls,

Ultimately.

Identity theft.

So, my grandmother was actually a victim.

She got scammed and she lost her savings.

So what's something that you would do

To maybe help my grandmother?

I think we all agree it couldn't have happened

To a more deserving person.

I think we all agree it couldn't have happened

To a more deserving person.

What? Yeah. [ scoffs ]

Okay, let him hear. Let him hear.

My grandmother, again, is the victim in the situation

With identity theft and stealing all of her money.

Jesus christ.

You said it couldn't happen to a more deserving person,

Meaning my 103-year-old grandmother.

Yes. Why?

Thirsty.

Alright, next question.

Static back.

[ static buzzing ]

Okay, james, have you ever sent an e-mail

That you immediately regretted?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I agreed to be on this panel.

I agreed to be on this panel.

Excuse me?

That was the e-mail you regretted?

Joe: Start clapping.

Alright.

Stand up and walk out.

Casey: Let's talk about some technology skills.

♪♪