Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up -- is joe seeing crystal clear?

[ laughter ]

What has q playing poltergeist?

So, I hired these guys to fake a haunting and scare my wife.

[ laughter ]

Narrator: And which losing joker will be in royal pain

In tonight's big punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Cheese boy!

Today, we're posing as "past life" therapists,

Telling people about their previous journeys on earth.

But the details of these past lives

Will be given to us by the other guys.

The goal is to get through those details without laughing.

Whoever laughs the most --

Is named sal.

[ laughter ]

Put that clicker down.

"everybody loves raymond" will be right back.

-Here we go. -Hi.

What's your name? -Hi. I'm sarah.

Thanks for joining us today.

Q: Why don't we jump right into the readings?

"I'm seeing water."

I'm seeing water.

"how are you around barnacles?

Do barnacles make you angry?"

How are you around, like, barnacles and such?

Do barnacles anger you?

Do they anger me?

Um... I have...

Joe: Look, he's hiding it!

He's hiding it!

She can see you, you idiot.

...Your head being underwater.

Yes. Okay.

Joe: "you were very involved in women's suffrage."

I see large involvement in women's suffrage.

"leading marches, gathering signatures."

Leading marches, things like that, signatures.

"and then, in the end, your side lost,

And women, unfortunately, were able to vote."

[ laughter ]

That's a laugh.

Unfortunately, like, you lost in that movement.

Women did gain the right to vote in 1920.

Q: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"the romans ran you down with their horses."

[ laughter ]

The romans -- those -- you know the romans?

The romans ran you down with the horses.

Q: "you hate horses, though, right?"

Fact check -- you hate horses?

I do not hate horses.

"romans? "do you hate romans?"

"do you hate romans?"

Do you hate romans, or...?

I don't hate a lot.

"how do you feel about numerals?"

[ laughter ]

Things roman adjacent -- how do you feel about numerals?

[ laughter ]

I didn't understand them for a very long time.

"well, suck me silly. You were a pumpkin."

Suck me silly, though, it looks like you were --

You were a pumpkin. You were a goddamn pumpkin.

[ laughter ]

We come from the earth, so, like,

I also get people as trees,

As plants, as things, like, of that nature.

-"for instance..." -for instance...

-"...I..." -...I...

Q: "...Was a zucchini."

...I was in the squash family, as well.

I was --

Yeah, I probably was, like,

More of a zucchini or a summer squash.

[ laughter ]

You look insane.

[ laughter ]

I can't believe how much I'm picking up here.

It's a very fun read.

Joe: "you were a milquetoast little twerp with no spine

And died a coward's death choking on a duck egg."

[ laughter ]

I'm getting that you were, possibly, at one time, like,

A milquetoast little twerp with no spine

That died a coward's death choking on a duck egg.

But this is just general, general terms.

I wish I had more to tell you there.

Murr: Here he is, guys. The professor is in.

Alright, do me a favor and just hold that up one second.

"you were the rapscallion of pennsyltucky."

In your former life, you were the rapscallion of pennsyltucky.

"and a devilish turd, at that."

And a devilish turd, at that.

[ both laugh ]

[ laughter ]

-That's a laugh! -Do me a favor.

Just knock those together for me, just once.

Okay. Yeah.

There you go. There you go.

-"oh. Oh." -oh.

"you don't strike me as a homicidal succubus,

But the cymbals don't lie."

You got him! You got him!

You don't strike me as a homicidal succubus, but...

[ laughter ]

Can you do me a favor? Can you flip this coin?

Sure.

And then just tell me what comes up -- a head or a castle.

There you go.

-Castle. -Castle!

"well, suck me silly. You were a pumpkin."

[ laughter ]

Oh, well, suck me silly, you were a pumpkin.

Murr: "millennia ago..."

Q: Millennia ago...

"...You were the world's first lesbian."

Millennia ago, you were the world's --

This is very interesting -- first lesbian.

"some hot cave-on-cave action."

Some hot cave-on-cave action going on.

There you go.

Let me just dive back in for a second.

Joe: "you were a professor."

You were a professor.

"no, no. An archaeologist."

No, no, no. Ooh. An archaeologist.

"you carried a whip."

You...

You carried a whip.

"throw me the idol. I'll throw you the whip."

Throw me...

The idol.

I'll throw you the whip.

Does that sound familiar?

It doesn't sound familiar from my history.

No. It wouldn't be. That was "indiana jones."

[ laughter ]

"have you found this helpful yet?"

Have you --

[ laughter ]

You found this helpful, right?

Murr: Got him. Got him at the end.

Hi. How are you? Oh, here we go.

I'm gonna start crying already.

Just gonna ask you which one do you gravitate towards?

The golden one.

[ laughter ]

Q: Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Well, suck me silly. You were a pumpkin.

I'm just gonna get that out of the...

[ laughter ]

Murr: Joe, joe.

"two millennia ago..."

Two millennia ago...

"...You were a fart."

[ laughter ]

Two millennia ago, you were a fart.

-"you died..." -you died...

"...And then, you became the wind."

...And then, you became the wind.

You were just a fart in the wind.

Great.

[ laughter ]

Q: Okay. "so, good news, bad news."

Good news, bad news, though.

"this is your first time as a human..."

This is your first time as a human...

"...After working your way up..."

...After working your way up...

"...As a rat in the victorian era."

...As a rat in the victorian era.

"my wife was a rat."

My wife was a rat.

"and I'm her little cheese boy."

Now, currently, I'm her little cheese boy.

[ laughter ]

I've never heard that voice from him before.

I'm her little cheese boy.

[ laughter ]

I'm her little cheese boy.

You're off the rails!

Now, let's get back to you. Don't worry about me.

"yahtzee."

Yahtzee.

"you appear to be..." you appear to be...

"...The chosen one." ...The chosen one.

"I must contact lord zulio."

I must contact lord zulio.

-"I do want to tell you more." -I do want to tell you more.

"but you've hit the paywall."

But you hit a paywall. "either we're finished..."

Either we're finished...

"... Or you give cheese boy a little more money."

...Or you give cheese boy a little bit of that cheddar.

[ laughter ]

How are you not laughing?

'cause he's in control.

You can let yourself out, if you like.

He somehow managed to turn this on us.

-And her, too. -I know.

The goal isn't to make us laugh.

It's us to make him laugh.

Yeah, I know.

Cheese boy!

How are you? Good. How are you?

Oh, have a seat. What's your name?

Terrence. Terrence. James.

Nice to meet you.

Alright, murray, there's some sunglasses in front of you

We put on the table, right there.

Those are your reading sunglasses.

"you've lived many lives."

You have lived many lives, terrence.

"as a..." as a...

"...Power bottom."

[ laughter ]

Sal: "you've lived many lives."

You have lived many lives, terrence.

"as a..." as a...

"...Power bottom."

You've lived many lives as a...

Power bottom.

A power bottom?

Those exist in past lives?

"well, this is your first life as a regular bottom."

[ laughter ]

This is your first life as just a regular bottom.

-As a regular bottom? -Yeah.

That's crazy.

[ laughter ]

-"this life..." -this life...

Q: "...Is the only life..."

...Is the only life...

"...Where you haven't reeked like ham."

This life is the only life you've lived

Where you have not reeked of ham.

Cool.

Joe: "oh, boy, this shit's kicking in now."

Oh, boy, this shit's kicking in now.

[ laughter ]

Snap your fingers around.

"for instance, for instance, you were a mosquito in perth amboy."

You were a mosquito in perth amboy.

Boy, I'm getting it fast and furious.

-"your body..." -your body...

Q: "...Was once very hairy."

...Was once very hairy.

"you were known as..." you were known as...

"...The hair thing of tom's river."

...The hair thing of tom's river.

"susan, where'd you hide the money?"

Susan, where'd you hide the money?

Sometimes, they come in, they're all disconnected.

Hold on.

"you taught alexander hamilton how to rap!"

You taught alexander hamilton how to rap!

Q: "your name is dave."

Your name is dave.

"oh, you were boring."

You were boring.

Keep going. Keep going.

Here it comes.

[ laughter ]

Do that again! Make him do it again!

You got him again!

Got him again!

Okay. Okay.

-"let me take a breath." -let me take a deep breath.

Okay.

"have you found any of this useful?"

Have you found any of this useful?

A lot, actually.

Good.

[ laughter ]

Good job, murray.

Narrator: Looks like sal couldn't read the past,

So he's got a future on the loser board.

Today, we're working the front desk at an office,

Trying to get people's opinions on an e-mail

We're about to send.

The catch is, these bizarre e-mails

Have been written by these jokers.

The goal is to get the people to say

That the e-mail's ready to send.

If they say it's not, you lose.

Hello. How are you today?

-Hi. How are you? -Good.

Joe: I can't wait to hear her opinion, sal,

On this e-mail we wrote for you.

While I have you here, would you mind

If I bounce something off of you?

Sure.

I was drafting an e-mail, and I'm just wondering

If it's buttoned-up enough to send.

-Okay. -Here we go.

"to raven and tommy guts at raw & buckwild tattoo --

The tattoo has healed, and unlike what was promised,

It did not 'kind of fall into place.'

Not the tattoo you want.

"conversely, the needles you pierced my flesh with

Amount to no discernable resemblance of my son,

Toby joseph.

I'm a calm and measured man, but...

...But if you cannot correct this,

I will come back to blackfoot,

And harm both you and your families

In a way that I consider real and meaningful."

Wow.

Sal, I just sent you a photo of toby joseph.

This is my son.

See? Toby.

Yeah.

Aww.

Joe: That's my nephew, parker.

Sal, maybe showing her the tattoos will help your argument.

Joe: The tattoos will help.

I should how you what the thing looks like.

It's right here.

It's right here. Can I show it to you?

Yeah. Okay. It's just right here.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. Does it look like him?

I don't think so.

That's jaden smith.

Who did you get tattooed on?

It's not toby joseph.

No, it's not.

"I'm gonna shoot you straight. I've been burned before."

"I'm gonna shoot you straight."

I'll tell you --

Do it. I'll shoot you straight.

I've been burned before with a tattoo.

Oh, no.

And show him your other leg.

I had gotten -- I have one here.

-"toby joseph." -toby joseph.

The same kid?

Yeah, the same child but younger.

Here's toby three years ago.

Toby...

[ laughter ]

Whose child is on my thighs? I don't even know.

Oh, that's horrible.

I would be just as pissed off.

I know. Thank you.

All: Whoa.

-Maybe the tattoos worked. -Maybe it worked.

I should send this, then, right?

No. Oh.

[ laughter ]

You think I would've learned from my lower back tattoo.

Joe: Here we go.

Good. Good. So, you seem like a bright guy.

Let me get your opinion on something, if you don't mind.

Sure. Yeah.

I'm about to send this e-mail,

And I just want to make sure that it's...

Appropriate to send, I guess, would be the thing.

Got it. It's to these guys.

"dear ghost hunters of shaolin."

That's what they call staten island -- shaolin.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Wu-tang. Yeah. Wu-tang. Right. Exactly.

"you promised me that the musty, old horror would be exorcised

From my house, yet my wife still remains."

"you guys promised me that your fake hauntings

Could scare anyone away.

Yet she's in the other room right now

Cooking up her excuse for a lasagna.

I want my money back or that dud of a wife scared off,

As was assured to me.

Your move, anthony tiberius gunk."

I mean...

Does that get across --

What are you trying to say?

So, I hired these guys -- the ghost hunters of shaolin --

To fake a haunting and scare my wife.

So they didn't scare her at all.

"either pay me the money back that I paid you or just --

Let's get a second haunting going."

I don't want to get into your personal business or whatever,

But there's probably other ways to break up.

[ laughter ]

But is the e-mail well-written?

No. The e-mail's not well-written.

[ laughter ]

So, it's not ready to send, you would say?

No.

Joe: Definitive.

-Here you go, murr. -Hi. How are you, sir?

What's going on, buddy? How you doing?

Do you mind if I ask you a business question?

-Okay. -I'm writing an e-mail,

And I'm not sure of the right etiquette for e-mail.

So, do you mind if I run this e-mail by you?

You tell me if it's ready to send.

No problem.

-Here we go. -Here we go.

"dear mrs. Franco,

I understand you've given my son, kenzo,

Detention for saying 'big naturals,'

Which is a term we use freely in our home."

"apologies if you don't get my parenting style,

But kenzo will not be staying after school today."

Q: Kenzo.

"sincerely, kenzo's dad, albert."

Uh, I mean...

[ laughter ]

You know, in our house, we do refer to them as "big naturals."

Do you know what I mean by "big naturals"?

Yeah, yeah. Definitely.

I have no problem with small naturals

Or medium-sized naturals, but natural is the key, right?

This is ready to send, clearly, right?

-Yeah. -Yes.

I knew it. I knew it.

All: Oh!

Done and done.

Sal: Wow, murr.

Murr: Alright, joey.

Okay. The name, hon?

Uh, leah.

How's your day? Good?

So far, so good. Mm-hmm.

I was about to send this e-mail.

I'm not sure if I should send it.

Let me just read you this e-mail,

And you tell me what you think.

-She's moving closer. -Oh, I love this woman.

Murr: She's in.

Let me just read you this e-mail,

And you tell me what you think.

"wifey, as you know, I do not want the first thing for our son

To see when he emerges from your womb

Is this wretched nose of mine."

[ laughter ]

The only time available for the rhinoplasty

Is the day of your scheduled c-section,

So it's either change the date of birth

Or you do it without me.

Your call, hubster."

Q: Hubster.

So, the situation is, I'm pretty insecure about my nose.

I've been waiting to do it for years.

My wife is with child.

[ laughs ] it's not funny, but it's, like, funny.

Oh.

[ laughter ]

I understand that maybe -- you know,

You feel a little self-conscious,

Or what have you,

But having a child is, like, something amazing.

I just have to accept what it is.

Right. Don't worry about no nose.

Mind you, she hasn't told him his nose is not big.

Right. She's not negating it.

The basic premise has been accepted.

[ laughter ]

So, the e-mail that I've written here --

Do you think I should send it?

No. No.

-Yeah. -Not even a moment.

You know, 56 years I'm dealing with this thing, so...

-You're 56? -Yeah.

You're done. You're done.

Narrator: First draft was a charm for murr,

Making sal tonight's big loser.

Joe: Alright.

Sal is our loser.

So, today, buddy, we came to times square.

It's the middle of it all.

This is the place to be, where big things happens.

I notice q's not here.

We'll get to q.

We just want you to look around, see if you notice anything.

Anything strange?

[ laughter ]

"introducing newest cast member -- prince herb"?

Joe: "introducing newest cast member -- prince herb"

[ laughter ]

What is going on?

Murr: That's you, buddy.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I please introduce prince herb!

Give him a hand.

That's right!

Sal no longer exists!

For those of you at home that don't know,

Herb is like a cornball, like a dork.

So, you're -- you're prince dork.

Do you remember the season where you made me wear q's hair?

-Yeah. -Like that.

No. Not the whole season.

[ laughter ]

Oh, no. Oh, that's --

Every episode, every challenge, every -- your life.

Your life.

What's with the earrings?

As everybody knows, you're our stud, so we gave you two more.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Now he gets it. Look at him.

It's like "a beautiful mind" right now.

You see everything happening.

You're gonna modify my body?

Don't I have to sign off on that?

Not no more. Now, you're prince herb.

Wait, when am I getting my ears pierced?

-Oh, right now. -Yeah.

Murr: Let's go.

We're gonna leave that there, like that?

Joe: Alright, prince herb, here's your throne.

Say "hello" to our friend, johnny.

Johnny, is there a way to make it more painful?

Oh, I'm not gonna feel a thing.

Okay, great. [ laughter ]

We've trained him. We've trained him, buddy.

You're not gonna get any straight answers.

Sal: That's the size of the [bleep]

Earring you're gonna put in my ear?

-Yeah. -Are you kidding me right now?

It looks like the freaking --

It looks like the thing from "titanic".

Can my lobe support that weight?

We're gonna find out.

I'm so [bleep] nervous right now.

That's a marker? That's a marker.

I just want to know when you're gonna do it.

It's not right now.

You're not gonna be like, "ah, gotcha."

Johnny, I just want you to be your best self today.

If my head is not completely straight up on my neck,

I might give you a wrong line of sight.

There's not gonna be an instance where you start and stop?

How long will the pain last?

Mm.

What if, god forbid, I move and you pierce, like, here?

And then, it's like, "ah!"

And you're like, "ah, just hold still.

Let me get in there again."

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait,

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What happened to all that tough guy talk?

So sorry. What do I have to do again?

Breathe? -Oh.

That whole thing goes through his ear.

That's two inches.

Look at the prince.

All of america sees what you're acting like right now.

Fine.

It's fine.

Take a look in the mirror.

Okay. Okay. Listen to me.

Today's no different than any other day.

You woke up, and you went on an adventure.

Your body will work to heal, and maybe it'll even look okay.

That's not gonna happen.

-I believe in you. -Here we go.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Get him, johnny. Brace him.

-Tilt towards your friends. -Tilt and look.

Tilt and look. Here we go.

Don't make it harder than it has to be.

Come on, prince herb. You can do this, herb.

Breathe in.

[bleep] please.

God, jesus, I'm gonna jump.

And out.

Murr: Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

Did it hurt? -[bleep] it hurt.

It came through my body.

Breathe in.

[ high-pitched ] okay.

[ laughter ]

Are you ready for number two?

Yeah. Let's do ear number two.

Here we go.

Ow! That looks like it hurt!

That one hurt way more than the first one!

I didn't think there'd be a variation!

Ow!

There's a variation!

There's a metal bar in your ear.

-Perfect. -Oh, my god!

[ laughter ]

What? What?

It's cubic zirconium, that's what.

"what"? It's amazing.

You don't even know what you look like right now.

Whoo!

Bang.

Oh [bleep]

Murr: You're officially prince herb.

Your highness.

Oh. I'm gonna become one of those guys

Who licks his lips a lot now,

Like, "yeah, what's up, baby? How you doing?"

Murr: They're sparkly.

Well, you [bleep] did it, so, good for you.

Well, we just kind of got started,

'cause we want the whole world to know you as prince herb.

Murr: Yeah. This is your new look.

So...

We wanted to make sure that the opening credits got modified.

So, we changed the opening credits of the show,

If you want to take a look at that.

"murr."

Is there gonna be earrings?

[ laughter ]

-It looks good. -[bleep]

You look great, buddy. I wish q was here to see this.

-Yeah. -Okay.

Let's go. Where is q?

He's been busy, this whole time, getting to work on a new brew.

You son of a bitch!

Here we go.

Oh, hey, sal.

You may be wondering why I'm here and not there.

Well, I'm announcing our newest offering --

The prince herb brew.

It's pink. It's sparkly. It's non-alcoholic.

It sucks -- just like you.

It's not even beer!

It's prince herb brew -- a corny brew for a corny mofo.

And, sal, you don't get a dime from it.

Bye!

So, there you go.

You guys are ass[bleep]

[ laughter ]

I mean, I can't wait for your first talk show appearance,

Where they announce you as prince herb.

[ laughter ]

Please welcome back to the show joe gatto,

James murray, brian quinn, and prince herb.

How are you, gentlemen?

And "impractical jokers" joe gatto

And prince herb, was it?

Oh, no, it is -- yes, prince herb.

Joined now by two of the stars.

Oh, it's my man joe gatto and prince herb.

What an honor, gentlemen.

Prince herb in the house. I mean, my goodness.

Good morning to both of you.