Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, what's got murr dreading the dead?

I would like to state for the record

That I have a very real fear of mummies.

[ laughter ]

Why is sal taking it queasy?

I did not vom creamy chunks.

That was the actual necc, new England clam chowder.

And which losing joker will have his world

Turned upside down in tonight's big punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I don't think my pastor would approve.

Today, we're competing head-to-head tournament-style

As participants in a taste-testing focus group.

When the moderator asks for our thoughts on each product,

All we have to do is read our responses,

Which were written by the other guys.

In the end, the moderator will be asked in private

Which one of us should go on to the next round of testing.

If they don't pick you, you lose.

♪♪

Oh, hi. Thanks for having us.

Joe: They're supposed to be in a focus group

About a chocolate bar.

They have chocolate bar focus groups?

Yes, they do. They do. How do I get into it?

How do I get it?

I'm james.

Sal. Hey, sal. I'm rick.

Rick.

Rick: I'm gonna ask you these questions,

And let's go from there.

So, sal wrote all of murr's answers.

Mm-hmm. Murr wrote all of sal's.

How did this product make you feel?

I felt a strong connection between us

When you watched me enjoy that.

Okay.

Between the product and me or...?

Between us. Oh, nice.

And I think that's what the bar does

Is it brings people together.

Joe: Nice one. Q: Wow.

And, sal?

I wrote, "to be honest, I'm a little butt hurt."

Butt hurt?

[ laughter ]

It left me yearning for a tongue like --

[ laughter ] murray.

I'm honest,

So to be honest, I'm a little butt hurt.

It left me yearning for a tongue without scars.

[ laughter ]

What activities do you see yourself enjoying

While using this product?

I wrote, "I throw beef tips

At passing cars from the overpass.

This would be nice to have during lulls in traffic."

Q: Beef tips.

You throw beef tips?

"I used to throw steaks, but..."

I to throw steaks, but...

"...There was a real bad pileup.

There was a bad pileup.

[ laughter ]

What can we do to separate this product

From the competitors?

I wrote, "claim it cures lupus

And then let it do so."

Does it claim it cures lupus?

What I think would set it apart from a competitor --

Oh, you're saying --

Claim it does and then let it, you know?

[ laughter ]

Is there anything you want to add

To the conversation about this product?

I would like to state for the record

That I have a very real fear of mummies.

[ laughter ] explain that.

Mummies are terrifying.

[ laughter ]

Okay, okay.

[ laughs ] the "okay."

I know a friend who has an irrational fear of spiders.

Really?

Not spiders, tarantulas.

Why he's such, like, a big baby about it?

I have a friend just like that with kittens and cats.

[ laughter ]

You're not on the same side, sal.

It's not you and him versus me.

For frame of reference, name some products you enjoy.

Okay. I like it

When the government gives us good weather.

[ laughter ]

Alright. How do they do that?

Heck if I know. I'm not the government, rick.

Passing laws to help with emissions?

"sure, sure."

Give us climate weather.

Sure.

[ laughter ]

Sal?

So for frame of reference, name some products you enjoy.

Rick, I wrote, "what do you mean?

I like shampoo, computers, pens, and couches.

What the hell do you mean?"

You know what I mean? Okay.

Hey there, rick. I'm just going to grab you for a minute.

Alright. You guys can stay here.

Q: I think murray's got it. Murray presented himself

As the type of guy you want answering questions. That's true.

Which of these two guys would you say was better?

"they're both real bad." [ laughs ]

You would pick this one?

Which guy? Uh-oh.

Joe: Look how confused he is.

Sal.

He changed it to sal! He changed it to sal!

He changed it to sal.

Are you kidding me?

[ laughter ]

Hello, hi.

Joe and q have written the opinions for each other.

I'm brian, by the way.

Hi, michelle. I'm joe.

Flip them over, boys.

First question is, how would you improve this product, joe?

This is -- I come from a marketing background.

I would add a sense of danger,

Maybe drop a press release

That too much of it will kill you.

And I think you can get a buzz going.

[ laughter ]

Like, do you think there's too much of something

Or less of something or add something?

Oh, so I see what you're saying.

If I was going to add something,

I would add the danger.

[ laughter ]

Does that make sense? No.

[ laughter ]

How about you, brian?

How would I improve this product?

I wrote, "I'm not sure if the ingredients are locked in,

But I would add some ginkgo biloba

Or horny goat weed."

[ laughter ]

Describe how this product would enhance your life.

This...Can change everything for me.

I'll get sally back.

My kids will look up to me

Instead of their new daddy.

My father will speak to me again.

This is what I've been waiting for.

Right.

It's a chocolate bar.

Plus it's low-carb. Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Okay, so what events do you see this product being offered at?

I wrote, "the jewish one where they cut the penis."

[ laughter ]

She's done.

Joe, for reference, name some products that you enjoy.

Power bars, k-y jelly, and toblerone.

[ laughter ]

Alright.

I like that toblerone was third, not k-y jelly.

How about you, brian?

Name some products you enjoy.

I wrote, "diet pills, shiney hiney, nerds candy,

And scented candles."

Okay. Any other feedback?

Any other feedback.

No, we covered everything.

I have the k-y jelly, toblerone...

Start reviewing every answer from the both of you out loud.

Shiney hiney... [ laughter ]

Diet pills... Sense of danger...

Ginkgo biloba.

The jewish one where they cut the penis.

[ laughter ]

Toblerone.

[ laughter ]

Murr: Here we go.

[ laughter ]

If you had to choose,

Which guy do you think is better?

Oh, she chose joe! Sal: Joe!

Come on, some bullshit thing that he made up.

[ laughter ]

Go get your stuff.

Yeah. Diet pills.

I was really big on the --

You got it. Thanks.

So it starts on the eye of the lion

And it zooms in on the eye of the lion,

But it's a ghost the whole time.

I like what you're saying, but you don't like the --

Just put it in your mouth.

[ laughter ]

Murr: It comes down to this, gentleman.

We switched the product to an energy drink,

As you see on the desk.

I'm sal. I'm joe.

Norka.

Norka. Nice to meet you. Thank you.

We may be losers, but we're also not working anymore today.

That's true.

[ both laugh ] ready?

What are your problems, concerns with this product?

I'll go. [ laughter ]

My biggest problem or concern with this product

Is that it was made by italians,

More specifically, northern italians,

Whose fingers are like spiders in the pockets of the...

Working cecilians and...

[ laughter ]

Okay.

Disgusting italians.

That is very, very detailed.

I have a marketing background.

I do, too. I actually -- I actually --

[ laughter ]

That's probably why they have us here because I'm in the masters track.

Oh, really? For marketing.

Oh, you're on the track.

So you haven't graduated like I have already.

[ laughter ]

What's your answer?

Now I need to know.

I don't think my pastor would approve of me

Using this product due to some of my proclivities.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

[ laughter ]

What events do you see this product being offered at?

Karate.

Really.

Is that your answer? Just karate?

That's interesting because it's in the vein of mine, actually.

My answer was, "I saw a few angry teenage boys

Wrestling shirtless on the beach once.

Maybe something like that."

[ laughter ]

Describe how this product would enhance your life.

Without exaggeration,

This product could have saved my marriage.

[ laughter ]

How would it save your marriage?

"she died of thirst."

[ laughter ]

She died of thirst.

[ laughter ]

Sal: I'll go.

Describe how this product would enhance your life.

I would finally have something to toss from the window

At my favorite...

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Describe how this product would enhance your life.

I'll go.

I would finally have something to toss from the window

At my favorite...

[ laughter ]

...At my favorite boys and girls in the neighborhood.

[ laughter ] okay.

Just a treat, like it's a --

I live with my grandparents.

They always hand out, like, stuff to the neighborhood kids.

Okay, so, my head's, like,

She used to hand those out, my grandma.

So I'm just thinking, hey,

Like, how could it in my life?

Joe. [ laughs ]

Do you have any ideas for potential slogans

Of commercial spots for this product?

Joe: I do.

Not just good -- more good.

[ laughter ]

How about you? Did you get one? Come fill your bucket.

What? Come fill your bucket.

Murr: "come fill your bucket."

I just pick up.

People would want it by the bucket load,

If it's so good.

It doesn't fit at all.

Norka, you can come with me.

Alright. I don't know who's going to win.

I thought it was sal, but I think joe's got it now.

Which one gave better feedback?

If I want to be real, sal.

Sal wins it! Oh, sal!

Wow. Yes!

Q: A rare sal victory.

Narrator: Sal's marketing classes paid off,

Sending the other guys straight to the loser board.

Today, we're asking strangers

To look over an apology note

That we're about to give to somebody.

The catch is that these apology notes

Have been written for us by the other guys.

If you can't get the person to agree that your apology note

Is good enough to pass off, you lose.

Shooting you all straight,

We filmed this thing months ago,

We'll look nothing like this, and I was not there.

♪♪

Sal: Murray's got a little surprise

Coming his way right now.

We're going to mess with murray right now

And have him read his own note

That was intended for one of us

So we can have him screw self with it.

I think he's still angry.

[ laughs ]

You see the blue stand there?

There's the guy with the baseball hat on.

You know him?

[ laughs ] this is great.

Now whatever he does reads is 10 times worse.

I was here last week.

I screwed up. I got the guy pissed off at me.

If I go and apologize to the guy... Yeah.

How aggressive are you gonna apologize?

Well -- you want to hear the apology? I want to hear the apology.

Okay. Here's --

I wrote it down so I wouldn't get, you know.

You know the guy. I know him.

I wrote...

Sal: Surprise! Q: Surprise, buddy.

We gave you your own one.

[ laughs ]

I was going to say, "pete,

You were born March 19th, 1995 at st. Mary's hospital.

You think your parents were megan and steve campbell.

They're not.

I switched you.

I'm sorry.

Could I have another side of beef?"

[ laughter ]

[ laughter ]

You can change it out for something else.

What are they focusing on right now?

You're focusing on the wrong thing.

I just -- I feel bad for switching him at birth,

So I thought it would be time I tell him.

But how do you know he was born on that day?

Yeah.

And you did it when you were how old?

And I --

Apparently, I must have done it when I was very young.

In retrospect, this wasn't a good one.

[ laughter ]

You think the apology is ready to go?

No. [ laughter ]

I'd like to see your goddamn apologies.

Oh, wait, wait. Is that what you're saying?

Are we all doing our own?

If I had to read my own,

You have to read the ones you wrote, too.

[ buzzer ] q: Oh!

Should've saw that coming.

Oh, no, I just -- I just realized I know what it says.

See, you thought it'd funny to screw me over.

What goes around comes around.

I mean, it was funny. [ both laugh ]

Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt.

Can I get your opinion on something for one second?

The guy in the blue hat over there with his back --

I insulted him pretty badly last week,

And I've written him an apology letter.

Would you mind if I just run it by you?

Okay. Okay, thank you.

Murr: They're in.

"sayid,

I'm not denying what I did.

I called you 'juicy'

And many variations thereof.

I am not denying I called you juicy lips

Or juicy dumps or juicy lucy,

Who makes my mouth water loosely."

[ laughs ] "in full honesty,

I'm also the one who sent you those tight sweat pants

With the word 'juicy' printed on the bum."

[ laughter ]

"please let me order some lamb, and I promise,

The only mouth-watering you'll see from me

Is towards the cooked lamb

And not towards that sweet, sweet tuches.

Give me that lamb, rolands."

Seems very heartfelt.

Do you have to be, like, so specific?

Yeah, I don't know. Have you seen sayid's tuches?

I can't say I have.

There's one word for it.

Juicy? Juicy, I presume.

I want to admit what I did

And promise I'm not going to do it anymore,

And I thought this is the best way to do it.

I think it's nice to say

If you made him feel uncomfortable. Yeah?

So you wouldn't change anything? This is good?

Yeah.

What?! Oh!

I mean, it is heartfelt.

Oh, it's heartfelt, yeah.

[ both laugh ]

Juicy!

[ laughter ]

Q: Alright, pal.

I tell you what,

It's a whole different sensation being down here,

Knowing what I'm about to say.

Different game.

♪♪

Excuse me, do you work here, by any chance?

You do?

There's a worker there. Yeah.

He's a friend of mine. I haven't talked to him.

We had a little bit of a fight,

And I was going to give him like a --

Like just a handwritten note

To say sorry, but...

I think that's a sweet gesture.

Can I run it by you?

This is a whole new reaction because he knows what he says.

Yeah. Yeah, he knows.

Um...

[ laughter ]

Sal: He's a friend of mine,

And I was going to give him, like,

Just a handwritten note.

Can I run it by you?

"diedrick, sorry I 'ralphed up chunks hardcore'

At your super Tuesday gathering."

What?

"first of all, I didn't 'ralph up chunks hardcore'

Like you said in the group chat,

So kendra can take the string of green-faced vomit emojis

And shove them up her c section."

Shove them up her c section? "she don't know me."

[ laughter ]

Can I stop you there? Yeah.

[ laughter ]

The tone is shifting quite a bit.

[ laughter ]

Probably designed that way, I would imagine.

"second, I clearly stated on the rsvp

That cream-based soups tend to disagree with me.

I did not 'vom creamy chunks.'

That was the actual necc, new England clam chowder."

Oh, okay. New England clam chowder.

"I dumped it out because of the blatant disrespect

Your grandmother showed serving me it

After I provided my dietary restrictions."

This is what you wrote for us?

"but kendra thinks just because she had

Legs-first vincent via a c-section,

That she's hot turd."

Murr: Oh my god.

"remember that when next super Tuesday rolls around.

Hope to see you then. Sorry. Sal."

Yeah, I mean, it's a doozy.

You want me to read to you again?

You can read it if you want to,

But I have heard it. Okay.

[ laughter ]

Just go for it?

"just go for it?" oh!

I'm going to grab one of those pizzas.

I'll come back. Thank you, buddy.

Oh, my god. How? Murr: Unbelievable.

Narrator: Murr's apology couldn't save him.

He's tonight's big loser.

Okay, well, murr's our loser,

And this punishment's going to be out of this world, buddy.

We're going to make you an astronaut

And shoot you out of space.

No. Q: Yeah. Yes.

In a few minutes, you'll be docking

With the international space station, my friend.

Sal: You're going to be streaming live

To a group of young schoolchildren,

Giving them a demonstration from space.

They're very eager

To hear from an astronaut who lives in space.

Expensive punishment.

[ laughter ]

Joe: We have our murr-stronaut. He's ready to go.

[ murr chuckling ]

Get ready for blastoff, buddy.

Sal: This is the space shuttle that we designed,

And we even have a moon in the back.

Look at that.

It's beautiful.

How essential are these shoulder straps?

"how essential are these shoulder straps?"

One of our comedy producers, sharon,

Will be moderating today.

They're going to think that murray is actually up in space.

Of course, he's not.

There's a camera that rotates with him,

So it's going to look like he's in zero gravity, but he's not.

He's just rotating upside down.

Happy to see you guys.

Joe: Ready to go live to the kids, murray? Here we go.

Murr: Can you hear me on earth?

There he is. He's live.

We can hear you on earth.

Hello, students.

Joe: What are you doing with your arms?

So stupid. Why's he doing this?

Welcome to the international space station.

Wow. My name is james murray.

I'm an astronaut.

Now, the kids have a lot of questions.

How do you brush your teeth in space?

Joe: "I can show you." very good question.

I can show you, if you like.

Alright, murr, I think we're running into some zero gravity.

Let's get him rotated.

I will show you what --

I will show you what it's like to brush your teeth in space.

[ laughter ]

Oh!

Here we go.

I'm going to hold the cup here and brush my teeth.

Okay, so here we go.

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god! It looks real!

So then you take -- now, this is v--

Oh, no.

[ laughter ]

You have to be very careful in space.

Things can fly in all directions.

[ laughter ]

Oh!

[ laughter ]

So what do you do...

[ laughing ] looks so ridiculous.

Q: Spin him. Spin him.

Look, we're moving him while he's brushing.

Look.

[ laughter ]

Okay, so that's how, you know, in outer space --

Drop it. Murr, drop it.

[ mug thuds ]

[ laughter ]

We would love to know how and what you eat in outer space.

Oh, well...

Joe: Spaghetti bolognese.

[ laughter ]

Spaghetti bolognese.

How about I show you what I had for lunch today?

I had spaghetti bolognese sauce.

Let me just...

He's trying to fake floating in by going like this.

And I see where this is going to go.

Flip him. [ laughter ]

Oh. Wow.

♪♪

Oh.

Sal: Oh my god.

Oh, my god.

Got to be very careful in space

'cause things fall in all different directions.

[ laughter ]

How about I show you what I had for lunch today?

Oh! Oh! [ laughter ]

Sal: Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Got to to be very careful in space

Because things fall in all different directions.

[ laughter ]

I don't even understand what's going on anymore.

Crazy, right?

'cause we're in zero gravity.

That looks so much fun to eat.

Aww!

Joe: "big scoop!"

Big scoop.

[ laughter ]

Okay. Here we go. Oh.

[ laughter ]

Alright.

[ laughter ]

Okay.

The spaghetti.

Oh, god, let me --

There's clearly gravity.

Is there anything in particular

You'd like to drink while you're up there?

You know what's important for healthy bones.

What's that, q? That'd be milk.

I drink milk. By the gallon.

By the gallon.

Oh, here comes a gallon now. Alright.

I'll show you what it's like to drink in outer space.

Here we go.

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Are you okay?

It came out of his nose.

[ laughter ]

Oh, boy.

So you kids are from jersey?

[ laughter ]

What do you pack when you go to space?

What do we pack when we go to space.

We don't pack anything.

They provide everything for us in space.

Which is good because my ex-wife took everything.

Which is good [chuckles] because my ex-wife took everything,

So I don't have much anymore.

Next question.

[ laughter ] her face.

She was like this...

What happens when you cry or sneeze in space?

Oh.

The tears don't fall down your cheek.

"and sneezes come out of your butt hole up here."

And when -- sneezes come out the other end.

[ laughter ]

Just say, "I fart out my mouth."

In space...

Funny fact.

In space, you fart out your mouth.

[ laughter ]

How do you exercise in space?

Oh, we've got a few dumbbells floating over.

Let me -- here we go.

So what murr doesn't know is there's going to be

A little bit of a situation with the dumbbells.

Okay, so just like you would on earth,

You start doing your bicep curls.

Q: Alright, flip him.

It doesn't seem like a lot, five pounds, but it is.

Oh. You have to hold in place, getting harder.

Getting distinctly harder to do as I fall towards earth.

It's like I'm upside down trying to lift weights.

So I'll do three more, two, and I think that's all.

Okay.

And here we go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[ alarm blaring ]

What is going on?

Sal: The kids are freaking out.

[ laughter ]

Oh -- oh, my goodness.

"there's a crack in the mainframe."

There's a crack in the mainframe!

Reset the firewall.

Somebody reset the firewall!

All you got to do is hit that red button, buddy.

Let me push this red button here.

[ grunts ]

Okay.

Alright, everybody just get out of there.

Shut the lights.

Okay. I think we're okay.

[ laughter ] all: Bye!

We'll see you later, buddy.

[ laughter ]

Not funny. I can't get out. I'm strapped in.

I'm ups-- fellas, this is not funny.

Houston, we have a problem.