Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, can joe get out of a stinky situation?

You want to split the dead skunk?

[ laughter ]

What's got sal kidding around?

We've trapped a live goat. [ laughter ]

And which losing joker

Will be tickled pink in tonight's punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Q: Pizzazz. We added pizzazz.

Today, we're at d'agostino supermarket,

Where andrew jackson will be laying face down in aisle six.

After a customer picks up that $20 bill,

We've got to convince him to give it to us.

But the catch is the weird reason why we need that money

Is given to us by the other guys.

If you can't get that cheddar, you lose.

Cheddar being money in this case.

Yeah, 'cause cheddar's in aisle six.

I'm from the streets. I'm from the streets.

What streets?

Guys, there's a suspicious $20 there in the aisle.

Well, I hope no one picks it up because that's your $20.

Murr, get ready. -Uh-huh.

Sal: Uh-oh.

Uh, oh. What's that?

-Is it yours? -No,

Did you just find that on the floor?

-I did. -It's not mine,

But I would love to have it.

I'm sure anybody would.

Hear me out, hear me out.

If you give it to me, I'll stick it down your pants.

If you give it to me, I will stick it down your pants,

And that's an offer you cannot refuse, my friend.

He gets it back anyway.

So what I'm going to need is the $20...

-Okay. -...And access to your pants.

-He's doing it? -Here's what I need.

Are you willing to play ball? -Let's play ball.

-Alright. -Oh!

Just lift the jacket up. It's very tight. Very tight.

But I'm going to do it. -Okay.

-Okay, here we go. -You got it.

Right there. There you go. Thank you for that $20.

I feel like this is one of the weirder experiences

I've had in my life.

Do you want to put the $20 in my pants?

-Off topic... -Yeah.

...Do you now want to put the $20 in my pants?

[ laughs ]

I would truly relish in the opportunity

To hang on to the $20.

-Ah! -Ah!

So you don't get the $20, murr.

For me personally, I feel like

This is my thumbs-down moment, right now.

[ laughter ] joe: You lost.

-Here we go, q. -Here we go.

-Ah, ah, ah. -Ooh.

-Drop $20, sir? -I did not, no, no.

Why? There's $20 in the aisle?

It was just on the floor here, yeah.

-Oh. -Yeah.

Wow. I guess that's one of ours, right?

-I guess, yeah. -I'll tell you what.

I'll make a case for you right now.

I could use that. My toilet's been clogged since thanksgiving.

My toilet's been clogged since thanksgiving.

It's a lot of turkey and other things in there festering

And turning into almost like a stew.

So I could use that to call a guy to clean that.

Look how confused he is.

So what do you think?

[ joe laughs ]

Right.

Yeah.

Hey, bud, can I ask your opinion something?

-This guy is amazing. -If you had to unclog a toilet

Since thanksgiving or feed some kids,

Which one would you do?

[ laughter ]

I looked at you. I thought you were a cool guy.

You look hip. Everything's going great.

It looks like frankie valli's cooler brother.

I have no children, and I'm 73,

So it sounds to me like you would feed kids.

-But what if your toilet? -However, I got a plunger.

-10/10? -Oh!

-10/10? -Yeah.

I'll do it. I could get half a toilet clean for that.

Thanks, bro.

[ laughter ]

[ chuckling ]

Q, also, he didn't give you the $20. He's gone.

[ laughs ]

It's been closed since thanksgiving.

That's almost impossible to believe.

[ laughter ]

-I love this man. -I don't want to get into it.

You don't need to hear this part about -- doesn't matter.

I live across street. -Can I use your toilet?

Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Alright, joey. $20 in position.

-Oh. -She spotted it.

Hi, ma'am. How are you?

Oh, that...There. That's nice.

Is that yours?

Oh.

Oh, no? No, I mean, that's $20.

Let her pick it up. Don't you dare touch it.

No, put that right in the pocket.

It's not mine. I mean, I could use it,

If I'm gonna be honest, you know?

There's a kid outside.

He's trying to sell me a dead skunk for 20 bucks.

There's a kid outside,

And he's trying to sell me a dead skunk for 20 bucks.

A dead skunk.

I turned him down on the way in.

For 20 bucks. I turned him down on the way in

Because I didn't have a 20 spot. You found it.

A dead skunk. You know, smell? Skunk?

It's a dead one for $20.

I know. It's a deal.

What am I going to do with it?

What am I not going to do with it.

What am I going to do? What am I not going to do

With it for $20?

[ laughter ]

Yeah. That's right, right?

-[ gasps ] -thank you so much.

-He got it? -He worked for it.

You want to split the dead skunk?

I only need the skunk glands.

Oh, I only need the... [ laughter ]

For the skunk, I only need the glands.

I pocket the glands. You take the rest.

I mean, you can have the bones

And nails and things. I don't need any of that.

The glands is really where you get the big...

Say, "if I can extract the glands..."

I just have to extract the glands.

[ laughter ]

Joey wins it.

-Here we go. Sal. -Yeah, I don't know which one.

Do you have a preference?

There's fanta and then there's sunkist and crush.

I don't know which orange is the best orange.

Yeah, we either had fanta or orange crush.

Q: Let her look down. Murr: Look down, look down, look down, look down.

-Thank you, thank you. -Right by your foot.

It's right by your foot. -Come on, lady!

It's right by your foot! Oh, my god. Look down.

Miss, I think you might have dropped, uh, money.

-Thanks. -Yeah.

-Oh! -Uh-uh!

-I saw it. It's not mine. -This is where it gets so weird.

It makes sense that it might have happened just then.

Oh.

It also could've not been mine, but...

I mean, hey.

I mean, yeah, it's not yours, then it's yours.

You know what I mean? -Thank you. Thank you.

Just bought my chips. -Yeah, exactly.

-You ready to win, boys? -Yeah, sure.

-Uh, I will say... -Uh-huh?

I could use it because...

I won't squander it on fast food like you will.

I won't squander it on...

[ laughter ]

Murr: Good luck, buddy.

Sal: Miss, I think you might have dropped money. Woman: Thanks.

-I will say... -Uh-huh?

...I could use it because...

I won't squander it on fast food like you will.

I won't squander it on...

[ laughter ]

Good luck, buddy.

[ chuckles ]

The reason -- the reason is that

I actually probably sh-- I...

-Really? -Brilliant.

With the $20, you'll probably end up, uh...

I, uh... Take the $20. Just take it.

I don't -- I don't -- [ laughter ]

Yes!

Have a great day.

[ laughter ]

Joe: You're out.

Narrator: Joe made road kill out of the other guys,

So they're first up on the loser board.

Today, we're at cec research, competing head to head,

Presenting our new subscription-based services.

The catch is we'll have no idea what we're talking about

Because the presentations have been prepared

By the other guys. -At the end,

We'll ask them which one of us had the better ideas.

Yeah, and if they don't pick your ideas, you lose.

You know. I said that pretty aggressively.

-You did. -I'm not sure why.

Well, hopefully, you don't lose.

-Alright, buddy. Here we go. -Alright.

Joe: Murr wrote q's ideas and q wrote murr's ideas

And they're seeing them for the first time right now.

Murr: Welcome, guys.

We come up with ideas for subscription services.

Please be honest with your feedback.

Sound fun? -Sounds great.

Okay, so now we have 23 & him.

Want to find out about someone's genealogy without them knowing?

Just secure a piece of their dna,

And we will give you their information

No questions asked.

[ sal laughs ]

Every month?

On a subscription-service basis?

It is an every-month kind of deal.

[ laughs ]

What counts as sourcing dna? How do you --

Saliva, semen, blood, hair.

Okay, so you've got to get that from the person.

-Yeah, you can -- -I'm sorry. What?

She sounds like she's done it.

-From a toothbrush? -Yes.

Toothbrush. You can lift part of their stool.

You can get it from their hair.

Keep favoring stool, getting stool.

Like, let's say you secretly acquire a piece of their stool.

You just discreetly -- -[ laughs ] look at q!

If you don't have the person's consent,

I'm not sure that's going to fly with a lot of people.

Well, apparently, you don't need their consent.

Apparently, all you need is their stool.

Well, next time I go on a date, I'm flushing.

-He didn't prior? -Let's move on from the stool.

-Q. -My first subscription idea.

Boom. Here we go. Bad knews.

Remember those bullies in high school

Who thought they were so cool?

Welcome to bad knews, a service where we track

The guys and girls who made your life hell

In high school and bring to your e-mail box

Reports of all the bad things

That are happening to them today.

We will alert you so you can celebrate misfortunes

Such as death of a parent, divorce,

Sick kids, dismemberment,

And even speeding tickets. -[ laughs ]

What could be sweeter than those [bleep] douchebags

Getting their comeuppance?

We will actually mail you the news in a wrapped box

That you get to open like a present to yourself.

So get ready for bad knews, eh? Who doesn't want this?

Me personally, I wouldn't,

But I'm sure there will be a lot of people --

So you could see it being a subscription service?

-Yeah. -Yeah. Oh, murray, not good.

Moving on. Here we have --

This is a little taste of wayne.

[ sal chuckles ]

Every, month you will receive a uniquely curated box of items

Specifically from the town of wayne, new jersey,

Items like brake pads from wayne,

French fries from the white castle in wayne.

All these things and more, wayne or shine.

-Wow. -[ laughs ]

We all have grown up knowing how amazing wayne, new jersey, is.

This is your chance to own

A little piece of wayne every month.

Why not virginville, pennsylvania?

Because it's wayne.

[ laughter ] classic. Classic murray.

-Yeah. -Yes.

A little whiff of wayne?

Sort of like a little whiff of wayne?

That's not the idea, though.

Joe: [ laughs ] moving on.

Alright. Here we go.

[ laughter ]

Open it. Go ahead. It's okay!

This box will not maim, slice, or cut.

[ chuckling ] this box will not grab with little hands.

Things in this box are not meant to hurt you.

Good one, murr.

And even if you stop the service,

It will never stop.

[ laughter ]

-So we don't know what's in it? -No.

All you know is you're completely safe

And there's no way to stop. So it's like a surprise in the box?

Yeah, whatever's in the box is okay.

It won't grab you with little hands.

-But what are you selling? -Just open it.

Go ahead. It's okay. It won't hurt you.

I'm not buying that one.

[ laughter ]

-Alright, let's take a vote. -By show of hands,

If you had to choose one of our slate

Of subscription services, which do you think is better?

Do you think my subscription services are better?

Joe: Look, they don't even move their body.

And all in favor of me?

-Yeah. -Oh.

Two-zip. Anybody need a ride back to wayne?

[ buzzer ] [ laughter ]

-Alright. -Hey, guys. Hello.

Joe: We've been given the task

To come up with subscription services,

And we ask you if you think it'd be something

That the general population be interested in.

Okay.

Bouge bag.

[ laughter ]

Okay, like "bougie."

Extremely high-end disposables shipped every month.

Gold-encrusted drinking straws... Ooh.

...Ruby-speckled toilet paper,

-[ laughs ] -that sounds like that'll hurt.

Let everyone know what a big bouge you are

With bouge bag.

[ laughter ]

It's also shipped in, like, a sack, not a box.

Yeah, then you have the catchphrase, too,

"be a b-bag."

[ chuckles ]

People will know you're a real b-bag.

[ laughter ]

These are all disposable, you said, too?

So this is basically just throwing your money away?

Well, um...

You're wiping your ass with your money first.

You're wiping your ass with your own money first.

Oh, with the ruby-speckled toilet paper, you are.

People buy the dumbest things. [ laughter ]

Seriously, if they had the money,

They want something that sparkles.

Okay, very good.

Okay, alright. I'm up.

This one here.

Dr. Frankenstein's hamster revival.

Hamsters only have a two-year life-span.

Never run to the pet store again.

When your child's hamster expires,

Simply place it in one of our prepaid shipping "caskets."

Drop it in the mail.

Dr. Frankenstein will then bring the hamster "back to life"

And return it within four to six weeks.

[ chuckling ] what?

To be clear, are they reviving the dead one?

No, we "bring back" the -- I did this.

It's a new hamster. -Oh, okay.

They match the color.

You sent me a dead brown hamster,

I go to the brown bin, I pick a live brown one,

And I put it in the mailbox. -He's got a bin of hamsters.

But then why are you frankensteining?

Frankensteining is bringing back from the dead.

It's the kids. They don't know that.

But you're not telling the kids

You're doing any of this. -Exactly.

[ chuckling ] oh, that's a valid point.

I mean, so we're taking away the "dr. Frankenstein," right?

When I hear that, it's like I'm expecting something

Shipped back with, like, you know, the crazy stitching,

And, like, looking all kooky.

We could throw some cosmetic stitches.

You know what? We could throw some cosmetic stitches.

That's not the idea, though. That's not the idea.

I know, but, also, the kids can know.

Bring the kids into the fun. That's not on here.

You don't think you're changing the spirit of the idea there?

That I don't think so, because if I read this is,

It just says, "hamster only has two-year life-span.

Never run to a pet store again.

When your child's hamster expires...

Both: Simply place it in one of our prepaid shipping caskets

And drop it in the mail.

Dr. Frankenstein will then bring the hamster 'back to life'

And 'return' it to your child within 'four to six weeks.'"

Never there does it say that the kid's in the dark.

That's true. [ laughter ]

Yeah.

Escapegoat. -Escapegoat.

We've trapped a live goat.

[ laughter ]

Joe can't even keep it together.

-Why are you -- -I'm excited for this one.

This is my favorite one of your ideas.

We've trapped a live goat inside an escape room

Underneath a corn silo in a remote location.

Every month, you'll receive one clue

To help it escape,

Which your mail back to the farmhand

If and when you solve it.

And if you can't figure it out, no big deal.

It's just a goat.

[ laughter ]

So the goat starves.

Are we getting anything back? Because it'd be cool

If, like, you send in a clue and then you get, like,

A piece of a map, right, of where the gold may be

And then each clue you put something together, you know?

They take this -- I know. I know what you're thinking.

[ laughs ]

I think there would be some peta protests.

-Peta is always a concern. -[ chuckles ] a concern?

[ laughter ]

I'm up for this next one here. Take a look.

Thriddle -- a most thrilling riddle.

Every month, you'll receive a riddle attached to a device

Which emits a knockout gas.

[ chuckles ]

Hmm.

[ laughter ]

Joe: Thriddle -- a most thrilling riddle.

Every month, you'll receive a riddle attached to a device

Which emits a knockout gas.

[ chuckles ] [ laughter ]

I'm sorry. -Hmm.

Thriddle -- every month, you'll receive a riddle

Attached to a device which emits a knockout gas

That makes you pass out if you don't solve

This month's riddle in time.

[ laughter ]

In time. So it's timed.

You never know what's going to show up.

We acquire the addresses of your home, work,

Mother's -- mother's house, place of worship.

[ laughing ] place of worship.

-Sal's gone. -Envelopes, packages,

Even singing telegrams could contain a brain teaser

To our potent tranquilizing agents...

Q: You guys, pull it together. You're falling apart.

...That will keep you on your toes 24/7.

Is there actually a knockout thing?

There's a knockout gas, yeah.

Q: Sal, "how do you stop the gas from coming out?"

Would be the question I want to know.

Sal's got tears in his eyes.

How do you punch in the answer to the riddle?

What if you don't solve it in time?

Then you're just subjecting yourself,

Month after month, to noxious fumes?

Well, hopefully, you get better.

If you know what this riddle entails,

Why would you open it at a family member's house

Or a place of worship?

You don't have a choice. It shows up. Clock starts.

Oh, you have to open it. Clock starts when it shows up.

That's the thriddle. That's the experience.

What if you're not at home when it gets delivered?

Whatever lives in that house is knocked out.

[ laughter ]

We get multiple addresses, so it always could be --

In theory, it could always be delivered to you

No matter where you are -- your mom's house.

[ laughs ] place of worship.

[ laughter ]

Mom's -- mom's house, place of worship.

Listen, look, alright, you're in your mom's house,

You're at a place of worship, thriddle can show up.

That's what it's all about.

But I do not think the cdc will allow you to do this.

[ laughter ]

By show of hands, who thinks that my batch

Of ideas were the better ideas.

-I think yours. -Oh.

Oh, that's -- that's sal. Sal wins.

Murr: Well done, sal.

Narrator: Murr and joe's services didn't deliver,

Making murr tonight's big loser.

Alright. Well, murray's our loser,

So we decided to come visit his property

And add a little bit of pizzazz.

Q: Yeah, we're looking around at the landscaping,

And it is definitely gorgeous. Great job, murr.

But the one thing it lacks is pizzazz.

Yeah, so he'll be home shortly and when he arrives,

He'll find that we pizzazzed the shit out of it, really.

[ laughs ]

The hell?

Here we go.

What the [bleep]

-Oh, here we go, murr. -What did you do to my lawn?

[ laughter ]

Q: The whole property, bro.

No.

[ laughter ]

No, this is a joke, right?

-Yeah, of course. -It is a joke, yeah.

It's the basis of the show.

Joe: [ laughing ] pink as far as the eye can see.

Murr: I take a lot of pride in my grass, man.

-We added pizzazz. -We added pizzazz.

This is surreal. I don't know what I'm looking at right now.

Okay, well, just hold on one second.

I got neighbors driving by, staring at me.

Now, this is up to you, but home and garden will be here

In two hours. [ laughter ]

Home and garden? The magazine?

I subscribe. [ laughter ]

They do not know about the lawn.

Joe: You have to sell it as a choice.

[ laughter ]

So if you want to just do whatever damage you can

And get this back to shape.

Oh, no. No, it's a manual, but she's she's a beaut.

-[ laughs ] -you're kidding.

-You got two hours. -Two hours.

Get the [bleep] out of here, man.

Are you kidding me?

Do you know how much grass there is?

Sal: You know what's funny?

We really dyed it down to the roots.

So it's just kicking up --

Q: It's just kicking up pink grass.

The pink's not coming off.

This is ridiculous.

[ laughter ]

[ speaks indistinctly ]

[ grunts ]

[ laughing ] look how much pink is left.

-[ chuckles ] -ah! Ah!

There's some green.

Where? Underneath the pink?

You haven't made a dent. Did you go here yet?

All the way back.

Aw, man. [ laughter ]

How does this happen? [ laughter ]

Like, what's the company that does this?

It's [bleep]yourlawn.Com. [ laughter ]

I'm not making any progress, man.

It's so stupid.

To fix the problem with pink grass, murr,

Is it brings pink moles.

What the [bleep]

[ laughter ]

[ clock ticking ]

The problem with pink grass, murr, is it brings pink moles.

What the [bleep]

[ laughter ]

I feel like I'm tripping balls.

What the heck? -This is what happens

When we have to do punishments in pandemics.

[ laughter ] I don't know what to make of this.

Murr, you better get to cutting, baby.

-[ grunting ] -look at him go.

Are they really coming here? What time are they coming?

2:30. 1 hour and 20.

Sal: [ laughs ]

Look at him. Look at him running.

So stupid!

♪♪

Missed a spot. Missed a spot.

[ laughter ]

Can you also focus on the sweat on his body?

Look at your shirt. -I know. I'm drenched.

Do you guys know where the pesky pink moles have gone to?

-I don't know. -They get hungry.

You don't have a garden here, do you?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[ laughter ] come on!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on! [ laughs ]

Stop that. Stop that.

It's marking its territory.

Get out of here. Get out. Get out. Get out of here.

Where's his friend?

Stop peeing. It's peeing on me.

[ laughter ]

Sal: It's filled with pink-mole piss.

-[ laughing ] mole piss. -[ laughing and groaning ]

Hey, murr, we just got word. Guess who's here?

[ bell rings ]

You ready for your interview?

Oh, boy.

Q: Murr, do me a favor. Show the people of the world,

Through this magazine, your pizzazz.

Is that rob emmer?

[ laughter and applause ]

Is that detective rob emmer

From better homes -- [ laughing ] wait, what?

He can't even take the polaroid right.

-The picture didn't -- -the picture didn't take.

I don't understand why we still call him.

Why do we call rob emmer?

That's exactly why we call him.

He messes up every time.

He can't use the first camera invented.

[ camera shutter clicks ] [ laughter ]

-There it goes. -He got it.

Here you go. It's nice house.

Everything's pink.

Lots of pizzazz.

[ laughter and applause ]

Are you kidding me? All this was for a polaroid?

[ laughter ]

-Rob's going to -- -rob, stop!

-No, rob! Rob! Stop, stop, stop! -No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[ laughs ]

He's going to knock my whole gate down.

Why'd you stop him? If he took out the gate...

His jacket is caught in the car door.

Look, his jacket is caught in the car door.

He's about to knock the fence over.

Stop. [ laughter ]

Are you kidding me now?

Okay, now, straight. Straight, buddy, straight.

He's got to back emmer out of his own property.

Wait. Slow.

Now cut the wheel. Cut the wheel.