All language subtitles for Impractical.Jokers.S09E07.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE

Narrator: Coming up, can joe get
out of a stinky situation?

You want to split
the dead skunk?

[ laughter ]

What's got sal
kidding around?

We've trapped
a live goat.
[ laughter ]

And which losing joker

Will be tickled pink
in tonight's punishment?

[ laughter ]

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Q: Pizzazz.
We added pizzazz.

Today, we're at
d'agostino supermarket,

Where andrew jackson will be
laying face down in aisle six.

After a customer picks up
that $20 bill,

We've got to convince him
to give it to us.

But the catch is the weird
reason why we need that money

Is given to us
by the other guys.

If you can't get that cheddar,
you lose.

Cheddar being money
in this case.

Yeah, 'cause cheddar's
in aisle six.

I'm from the streets.
I'm from the streets.

What streets?

Guys, there's a suspicious
$20 there in the aisle.

Well, I hope no one picks it up
because that's your $20.

Murr, get ready.
-Uh-huh.

Sal: Uh-oh.

Uh, oh.
What's that?

-Is it yours?
-No,

Did you just find that
on the floor?

-I did.
-It's not mine,

But I would love
to have it.

I'm sure anybody would.

Hear me out,
hear me out.

If you give it to me,
I'll stick it down your pants.

If you give it to me,
I will stick it down your pants,

And that's an offer
you cannot refuse, my friend.

He gets it back anyway.

So what I'm going to need
is the $20...

-Okay.
-...And access to your pants.

-He's doing it?
-Here's what I need.

Are you willing to play ball?
-Let's play ball.

-Alright.
-Oh!

Just lift the jacket up.
It's very tight. Very tight.

But I'm going to do it.
-Okay.

-Okay, here we go.
-You got it.

Right there. There you go.
Thank you for that $20.

I feel like this is
one of the weirder experiences

I've had in my life.

Do you want to put the $20
in my pants?

-Off topic...
-Yeah.

...Do you now want
to put the $20 in my pants?

[ laughs ]

I would truly relish
in the opportunity

To hang on to the $20.

-Ah!
-Ah!

So you don't get the $20,
murr.

For me personally,
I feel like

This is my thumbs-down moment,
right now.

[ laughter ]
joe: You lost.

-Here we go, q.
-Here we go.

-Ah, ah, ah.
-Ooh.

-Drop $20, sir?
-I did not, no, no.

Why? There's $20
in the aisle?

It was just on the floor here,
yeah.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

Wow. I guess
that's one of ours, right?

-I guess, yeah.
-I'll tell you what.

I'll make a case
for you right now.

I could use that.
My toilet's been clogged
since thanksgiving.

My toilet's been clogged
since thanksgiving.

It's a lot of turkey and other
things in there festering

And turning
into almost like a stew.

So I could use that
to call a guy to clean that.

Look how confused
he is.

So what do you think?

[ joe laughs ]

Right.

Yeah.

Hey, bud, can I ask
your opinion something?

-This guy is amazing.
-If you had to unclog a toilet

Since thanksgiving
or feed some kids,

Which one would you do?

[ laughter ]

I looked at you.
I thought you were a cool guy.

You look hip.
Everything's going great.

It looks like frankie valli's
cooler brother.

I have no children,
and I'm 73,

So it sounds to me
like you would feed kids.

-But what if your toilet?
-However, I got a plunger.

-10/10?
-Oh!

-10/10?
-Yeah.

I'll do it. I could get half
a toilet clean for that.

Thanks, bro.

[ laughter ]

[ chuckling ]

Q, also, he didn't give you
the $20. He's gone.

[ laughs ]

It's been closed
since thanksgiving.

That's almost impossible
to believe.

[ laughter ]

-I love this man.
-I don't want to get into it.

You don't need to hear
this part about --
doesn't matter.

I live across street.
-Can I use your toilet?

Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Alright, joey.
$20 in position.

-Oh.
-She spotted it.

Hi, ma'am.
How are you?

Oh, that...There.
That's nice.

Is that yours?

Oh.

Oh, no? No, I mean,
that's $20.

Let her pick it up.
Don't you dare touch it.

No, put that
right in the pocket.

It's not mine.
I mean, I could use it,

If I'm gonna be honest,
you know?

There's a kid outside.

He's trying to sell me
a dead skunk for 20 bucks.

There's a kid outside,

And he's trying to sell me
a dead skunk for 20 bucks.

A dead skunk.

I turned him down
on the way in.

For 20 bucks. I turned him down
on the way in

Because I didn't have a 20 spot.
You found it.

A dead skunk.
You know, smell? Skunk?

It's a dead one
for $20.

I know. It's a deal.

What am I going to do with it?

What am I not
going to do with it.

What am I going to do?
What am I not going to do

With it for $20?

[ laughter ]

Yeah.
That's right, right?

-[ gasps ]
-thank you so much.

-He got it?
-He worked for it.

You want to split
the dead skunk?

I only need
the skunk glands.

Oh, I only need the...
[ laughter ]

For the skunk,
I only need the glands.

I pocket the glands.
You take the rest.

I mean,
you can have the bones

And nails and things.
I don't need any of that.

The glands is really where
you get the big...

Say, "if I can extract
the glands..."

I just have to extract
the glands.

[ laughter ]

Joey wins it.

-Here we go. Sal.
-Yeah, I don't know which one.

Do you have
a preference?

There's fanta and then
there's sunkist and crush.

I don't know which orange
is the best orange.

Yeah, we either had fanta
or orange crush.

Q: Let her look down.
Murr: Look down, look down,
look down, look down.

-Thank you, thank you.
-Right by your foot.

It's right by your foot.
-Come on, lady!

It's right by your foot!
Oh, my god. Look down.

Miss, I think you might have
dropped, uh, money.

-Thanks.
-Yeah.

-Oh!
-Uh-uh!

-I saw it. It's not mine.
-This is where it gets so weird.

It makes sense that it might
have happened just then.

Oh.

It also could've not
been mine, but...

I mean, hey.

I mean, yeah, it's not yours,
then it's yours.

You know what I mean?
-Thank you. Thank you.

Just bought my chips.
-Yeah, exactly.

-You ready to win, boys?
-Yeah, sure.

-Uh, I will say...
-Uh-huh?

I could use it
because...

I won't squander it on fast food
like you will.

I won't squander it
on...

[ laughter ]

Murr:
Good luck, buddy.

Sal: Miss, I think you might
have dropped money.
Woman: Thanks.

-I will say...
-Uh-huh?

...I could use it
because...

I won't squander it
on fast food like you will.

I won't squander it
on...

[ laughter ]

Good luck, buddy.

[ chuckles ]

The reason --
the reason is that

I actually probably sh--
I...

-Really?
-Brilliant.

With the $20, you'll probably
end up, uh...

I, uh... Take the $20.
Just take it.

I don't -- I don't --
[ laughter ]

Yes!

Have a great day.

[ laughter ]

Joe: You're out.

Narrator: Joe made road kill
out of the other guys,

So they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're at cec research,
competing head to head,

Presenting our new
subscription-based services.

The catch is we'll have no idea
what we're talking about

Because the presentations
have been prepared

By the other guys.
-At the end,

We'll ask them which one of us
had the better ideas.

Yeah, and if they don't
pick your ideas, you lose.

You know.
I said that
pretty aggressively.

-You did.
-I'm not sure why.

Well, hopefully,
you don't lose.

-Alright, buddy. Here we go.
-Alright.

Joe: Murr wrote q's ideas
and q wrote murr's ideas

And they're seeing them for
the first time right now.

Murr: Welcome, guys.

We come up with ideas
for subscription services.

Please be honest
with your feedback.

Sound fun?
-Sounds great.

Okay, so now we have
23 & him.

Want to find out about someone's
genealogy without them knowing?

Just secure a piece
of their dna,

And we will give you
their information

No questions asked.

[ sal laughs ]

Every month?

On a subscription-service
basis?

It is an every-month
kind of deal.

[ laughs ]

What counts as sourcing dna?
How do you --

Saliva, semen,
blood, hair.

Okay, so you've got to get that
from the person.

-Yeah, you can --
-I'm sorry. What?

She sounds like
she's done it.

-From a toothbrush?
-Yes.

Toothbrush. You can lift
part of their stool.

You can get it
from their hair.

Keep favoring stool,
getting stool.

Like, let's say you secretly
acquire a piece of their stool.

You just discreetly --
-[ laughs ] look at q!

If you don't have
the person's consent,

I'm not sure that's going to fly
with a lot of people.

Well, apparently,
you don't need their consent.

Apparently,
all you need is their stool.

Well, next time I go on a date,
I'm flushing.

-He didn't prior?
-Let's move on from the stool.

-Q.
-My first subscription idea.

Boom. Here we go.
Bad knews.

Remember those bullies
in high school

Who thought
they were so cool?

Welcome to bad knews,
a service where we track

The guys and girls
who made your life hell

In high school
and bring to your e-mail box

Reports of
all the bad things

That are happening
to them today.

We will alert you
so you can celebrate misfortunes

Such as death of a parent,
divorce,

Sick kids,
dismemberment,

And even speeding tickets.
-[ laughs ]

What could be sweeter
than those [bleep] douchebags

Getting their comeuppance?

We will actually mail you
the news in a wrapped box

That you get to open
like a present to yourself.

So get ready for bad knews, eh?
Who doesn't want this?

Me personally, I wouldn't,

But I'm sure there will be
a lot of people --

So you could see it being
a subscription service?

-Yeah.
-Yeah. Oh, murray, not good.

Moving on.
Here we have --

This is
a little taste of wayne.

[ sal chuckles ]

Every, month you will receive
a uniquely curated box of items

Specifically from the town
of wayne, new jersey,

Items like brake pads
from wayne,

French fries from
the white castle in wayne.

All these things and more,
wayne or shine.

-Wow.
-[ laughs ]

We all have grown up knowing how
amazing wayne, new jersey, is.

This is your chance
to own

A little piece of wayne
every month.

Why not
virginville, pennsylvania?

Because it's wayne.

[ laughter ]
classic.
Classic murray.

-Yeah.
-Yes.

A little whiff of wayne?

Sort of like
a little whiff of wayne?

That's not the idea,
though.

Joe: [ laughs ]
moving on.

Alright.
Here we go.

[ laughter ]

Open it. Go ahead.
It's okay!

This box will not maim,
slice, or cut.

[ chuckling ] this box will not
grab with little hands.

Things in this box
are not meant to hurt you.

Good one, murr.

And even if you stop
the service,

It will never stop.

[ laughter ]

-So we don't know what's in it?
-No.

All you know is
you're completely safe

And there's no way
to stop.
So it's like a surprise
in the box?

Yeah, whatever's
in the box is okay.

It won't grab you
with little hands.

-But what are you selling?
-Just open it.

Go ahead. It's okay.
It won't hurt you.

I'm not buying that one.

[ laughter ]

-Alright, let's take a vote.
-By show of hands,

If you had to choose
one of our slate

Of subscription services,
which do you think is better?

Do you think my subscription
services are better?

Joe: Look, they don't even
move their body.

And all in favor of me?

-Yeah.
-Oh.

Two-zip.
Anybody need
a ride back to wayne?

[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]

-Alright.
-Hey, guys. Hello.

Joe:
We've been given the task

To come up with
subscription services,

And we ask you if you think
it'd be something

That the general population
be interested in.

Okay.

Bouge bag.

[ laughter ]

Okay, like "bougie."

Extremely high-end disposables
shipped every month.

Gold-encrusted
drinking straws...
Ooh.

...Ruby-speckled
toilet paper,

-[ laughs ]
-that sounds like that'll hurt.

Let everyone know what
a big bouge you are

With bouge bag.

[ laughter ]

It's also shipped in,
like, a sack, not a box.

Yeah, then you have
the catchphrase, too,

"be a b-bag."

[ chuckles ]

People will know
you're a real b-bag.

[ laughter ]

These are all disposable,
you said, too?

So this is basically
just throwing your money away?

Well, um...

You're wiping your ass
with your money first.

You're wiping your ass
with your own money first.

Oh, with the ruby-speckled
toilet paper, you are.

People buy
the dumbest things.
[ laughter ]

Seriously,
if they had the money,

They want something
that sparkles.

Okay, very good.

Okay, alright.
I'm up.

This one here.

Dr. Frankenstein's
hamster revival.

Hamsters only have
a two-year life-span.

Never run
to the pet store again.

When your child's
hamster expires,

Simply place it in one of our
prepaid shipping "caskets."

Drop it in the mail.

Dr. Frankenstein will then
bring the hamster "back to life"

And return it
within four to six weeks.

[ chuckling ] what?

To be clear, are they reviving
the dead one?

No, we "bring back" the --
I did this.

It's a new hamster.
-Oh, okay.

They match the color.

You sent me
a dead brown hamster,

I go to the brown bin,
I pick a live brown one,

And I put it in the mailbox.
-He's got a bin of hamsters.

But then why are you
frankensteining?

Frankensteining is bringing
back from the dead.

It's the kids.
They don't know that.

But you're not telling
the kids

You're doing any of this.
-Exactly.

[ chuckling ]
oh, that's a valid point.

I mean, so we're taking away
the "dr. Frankenstein," right?

When I hear that, it's like
I'm expecting something

Shipped back with, like,
you know, the crazy stitching,

And, like, looking all kooky.

We could throw
some cosmetic stitches.

You know what? We could throw
some cosmetic stitches.

That's not the idea, though.
That's not the idea.

I know, but, also,
the kids can know.

Bring the kids into the fun.
That's not on here.

You don't think you're changing
the spirit of the idea there?

That I don't think so,
because if I read this is,

It just says, "hamster
only has two-year life-span.

Never run to
a pet store again.

When your child's hamster
expires...

Both: Simply place it in one
of our prepaid shipping caskets

And drop it in the mail.

Dr. Frankenstein will then
bring the hamster 'back to life'

And 'return' it to your child
within 'four to six weeks.'"

Never there does it say
that the kid's in the dark.

That's true.
[ laughter ]

Yeah.

Escapegoat.
-Escapegoat.

We've trapped a live goat.

[ laughter ]

Joe can't even
keep it together.

-Why are you --
-I'm excited for this one.

This is my favorite
one of your ideas.

We've trapped a live goat
inside an escape room

Underneath a corn silo
in a remote location.

Every month,
you'll receive one clue

To help it escape,

Which your mail
back to the farmhand

If and when
you solve it.

And if you can't figure it out,
no big deal.

It's just a goat.

[ laughter ]

So the goat starves.

Are we getting anything back?
Because it'd be cool

If, like, you send in a clue
and then you get, like,

A piece of a map, right,
of where the gold may be

And then each clue you put
something together, you know?

They take this -- I know.
I know what you're thinking.

[ laughs ]

I think there would be
some peta protests.

-Peta is always a concern.
-[ chuckles ] a concern?

[ laughter ]

I'm up for this next one here.
Take a look.

Thriddle -- a most
thrilling riddle.

Every month, you'll receive
a riddle attached to a device

Which emits
a knockout gas.

[ chuckles ]

Hmm.

[ laughter ]

Joe: Thriddle -- a most
thrilling riddle.

Every month, you'll receive
a riddle attached to a device

Which emits
a knockout gas.

[ chuckles ]
[ laughter ]

I'm sorry.
-Hmm.

Thriddle -- every month,
you'll receive a riddle

Attached to a device
which emits a knockout gas

That makes you pass out
if you don't solve

This month's riddle
in time.

[ laughter ]

In time.
So it's timed.

You never know
what's going to show up.

We acquire the addresses
of your home, work,

Mother's -- mother's house,
place of worship.

[ laughing ]
place of worship.

-Sal's gone.
-Envelopes, packages,

Even singing telegrams
could contain a brain teaser

To our potent
tranquilizing agents...

Q: You guys, pull it together.
You're falling apart.

...That will keep you
on your toes 24/7.

Is there actually
a knockout thing?

There's a knockout gas,
yeah.

Q: Sal, "how do you stop the gas
from coming out?"

Would be the question
I want to know.

Sal's got tears
in his eyes.

How do you punch in the answer
to the riddle?

What if you don't solve it
in time?

Then you're just
subjecting yourself,

Month after month,
to noxious fumes?

Well, hopefully,
you get better.

If you know what this riddle
entails,

Why would you open it
at a family member's house

Or a place of worship?

You don't have a choice.
It shows up. Clock starts.

Oh, you have to open it.
Clock starts
when it shows up.

That's the thriddle.
That's the experience.

What if you're not at home
when it gets delivered?

Whatever lives in that house
is knocked out.

[ laughter ]

We get multiple addresses,
so it always could be --

In theory, it could always be
delivered to you

No matter where you are --
your mom's house.

[ laughs ]
place of worship.

[ laughter ]

Mom's -- mom's house,
place of worship.

Listen, look, alright,
you're in your mom's house,

You're at a place of worship,
thriddle can show up.

That's what it's all about.

But I do not think the cdc
will allow you to do this.

[ laughter ]

By show of hands,
who thinks that my batch

Of ideas
were the better ideas.

-I think yours.
-Oh.

Oh, that's -- that's sal.
Sal wins.

Murr:
Well done, sal.

Narrator:
Murr and joe's services
didn't deliver,

Making murr
tonight's big loser.

Alright.
Well, murray's our loser,

So we decided
to come visit his property

And add a little bit
of pizzazz.

Q: Yeah, we're looking around
at the landscaping,

And it is definitely gorgeous.
Great job, murr.

But the one thing it lacks
is pizzazz.

Yeah, so he'll be home shortly
and when he arrives,

He'll find that we pizzazzed
the shit out of it, really.

[ laughs ]

The hell?

Here we go.

What the [bleep]

-Oh, here we go, murr.
-What did you do to my lawn?

[ laughter ]

Q:
The whole property, bro.

No.

[ laughter ]

No, this is a joke,
right?

-Yeah, of course.
-It is a joke, yeah.

It's the basis
of the show.

Joe: [ laughing ]
pink as far as the eye can see.

Murr: I take a lot of pride
in my grass, man.

-We added pizzazz.
-We added pizzazz.

This is surreal. I don't know
what I'm looking at right now.

Okay, well, just hold on
one second.

I got neighbors driving by,
staring at me.

Now, this is up to you,
but home and garden will be here

In two hours.
[ laughter ]

Home and garden?
The magazine?

I subscribe.
[ laughter ]

They do not know
about the lawn.

Joe: You have to sell it
as a choice.

[ laughter ]

So if you want to just do
whatever damage you can

And get this back to shape.

Oh, no.
No, it's a manual,
but she's she's a beaut.

-[ laughs ]
-you're kidding.

-You got two hours.
-Two hours.

Get the [bleep]
out of here, man.

Are you kidding me?

Do you know
how much grass there is?

Sal:
You know what's funny?

We really dyed it
down to the roots.

So it's just kicking up --

Q: It's just kicking up
pink grass.

The pink's not coming off.

This is ridiculous.

[ laughter ]

[ speaks indistinctly ]

[ grunts ]

[ laughing ]
look how much pink is left.

-[ chuckles ]
-ah! Ah!

There's some green.

Where?
Underneath the pink?

You haven't made a dent.
Did you go here yet?

All the way back.

Aw, man.
[ laughter ]

How does this happen?
[ laughter ]

Like, what's the company
that does this?

It's [bleep]yourlawn.Com.
[ laughter ]

I'm not making
any progress, man.

It's so stupid.

To fix the problem with
pink grass, murr,

Is it brings pink moles.

What the [bleep]

[ laughter ]

[ clock ticking ]

The problem with pink grass,
murr, is it brings pink moles.

What the [bleep]

[ laughter ]

I feel like
I'm tripping balls.

What the heck?
-This is what happens

When we have to do punishments
in pandemics.

[ laughter ]
I don't know
what to make of this.

Murr, you better get
to cutting, baby.

-[ grunting ]
-look at him go.

Are they really coming here?
What time are they coming?

2:30.
1 hour and 20.

Sal: [ laughs ]

Look at him.
Look at him running.

So stupid!

♪♪

Missed a spot.
Missed a spot.

[ laughter ]

Can you also focus
on the sweat on his body?

Look at your shirt.
-I know. I'm drenched.

Do you guys know where the pesky
pink moles have gone to?

-I don't know.
-They get hungry.

You don't have a garden here,
do you?

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

[ laughter ]
come on!

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Come on!
[ laughs ]

Stop that. Stop that.

It's marking
its territory.

Get out of here. Get out.
Get out. Get out of here.

Where's his friend?

Stop peeing.
It's peeing on me.

[ laughter ]

Sal: It's filled
with pink-mole piss.

-[ laughing ] mole piss.
-[ laughing and groaning ]

Hey, murr, we just got word.
Guess who's here?

[ bell rings ]

You ready
for your interview?

Oh, boy.

Q: Murr, do me a favor.
Show the people of the world,

Through this magazine,
your pizzazz.

Is that rob emmer?

[ laughter and applause ]

Is that
detective rob emmer

From better homes --
[ laughing ] wait, what?

He can't even take
the polaroid right.

-The picture didn't --
-the picture didn't take.

I don't understand
why we still call him.

Why do we call rob emmer?

That's exactly why
we call him.

He messes up every time.

He can't use
the first camera invented.

[ camera shutter clicks ]
[ laughter ]

-There it goes.
-He got it.

Here you go.
It's nice house.

Everything's pink.

Lots of pizzazz.

[ laughter and applause ]

Are you kidding me?
All this was for a polaroid?

[ laughter ]

-Rob's going to --
-rob, stop!

-No, rob! Rob! Stop, stop, stop!
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[ laughs ]

He's going to knock
my whole gate down.

Why'd you stop him?
If he took out the gate...

His jacket is caught
in the car door.

Look, his jacket is caught
in the car door.

He's about to knock
the fence over.

Stop.
[ laughter ]

Are you kidding me
now?

Okay, now, straight.
Straight, buddy, straight.

He's got to back emmer
out of his own property.

Wait. Slow.

Now cut the wheel.
Cut the wheel.