Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, why is joe getting sassy...

Lassassa sassassa shingots?

[ laughter ]

...What's got q and murr bringing the hype...

Big ups, everyone. Big ups.

...And which losing joker will be totally bummed out

By tonight's big punishment?

-Oh, god. -Oh, my god!

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Murr: Come on. You're the deuceman.

Today, we're working as receptionists,

Checking people into their appointments.

Except that all the utterly ridiculous names

We need to call out, such as... Cranjis?

Cranjis mcbiscuitball?

...Have been given to us by the other guys.

The goal is not to laugh

While you're calling out these silly names.

And whoever laughs the most loses.

We're at work.

Okay, murr. Ah, come on.

Have a seat wherever you like.

You know how this game works. You got to read the names.

We wrote them for you. Don't laugh.

Any day that we play cranjis mcbasketball...

It's a good day. ...Is a good day.

So the first name is luke [chuckles] johnson.

[ laughter ]

Murray's wedding crasher.

I have a distant friend named luke johnson.

Crashed my wedding. No joke.

And he was the best guest. [ laughs ]

How about vladimir ploppers?

[ laughter ]

Vlad? No? -No.

Ploppers. So I'm gonna put him in group three.

Okay, next, we have macadamia butt.

[ laughter ]

-Boot? Boot? -Macadamia boot?

Mac?

-Mac boot? -Mac boot?

Mac boot pro?

Mac -- [ chuckles ] mac boot pro?

[ laughter ]

Sal got you with the follow-up.

Another non-name.

Okay, so they have mortimer pinkett smith.

[ laughter ] no.

Next [chuckles] monsieur jumblies?

[ laughter ]

Who names are these? [ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

Next, they sent shirley [chuckling] itsaboobjob.

[ laughter ]

Shirley? Are you mrs. Itsaboobjob?

No?

One second. Troy?

[ laughter ] troy is waiting.

Troy is waiting with bated breath.

It's not a walkie-talkie.

They must be in the next group.

Yeah. I love you. Talk to you later.

[ laughter ]

Okay. [ chuckles ]

Joe: He can't even get it out.

Slick deuceman, attorney-at-law?

[ laughter ] slick?

Come on. You're the deuceman.

No?

[ laughter ] slick deuceman.

You see all the billboards on I-95, right?

Malpractice. He does injuries.

When a dog bites you, he bites them back.

When a dog bites you, he bites them back.

-Slick deuceman. -Slick deuceman.

You look like him. It's not me.

Okay, next, they sent [chuckling] albie -- albie?

Albie darforyu?

[ laughter ]

You won't be "dare" for me? [there]

Okay, wicket...Fot.

[ laughter and applause ]

Wicket? Wicket fot?

I guess mr. And mrs. Fot.

[ laughter ]

And these are from new jersey with these names?

You don't know any wicket fots in new jersey?

No wicket fots. [ laughter ]

Joe: You're done, but you did terrible.

Murr: Alright, joseph.

So they're going to be ready for some people

In a couple minutes.

When I say your name, I'll tell you what room to go to.

It looks like joe's spiky hair

Is trying to make a comeback right now.

It's going... Yeah, it's, like, willing its way back into existence.

It's, like, defying the gel.

The wave is cresting again, joe.

Joe, your hair is fighting the l.A. Looks.

[ laughter ]

So, if you hear your name -- I'll just call them out.

Hung miner.

[ laughter ]

Is there a hung miner in here?

[ laughter ]

[ sighs ]

[ laughter ]

Joe, let's get some upper-lip sweat, please.

[ laughter ]

There we go.

P.P. Balloons?

[ laughter ]

No p.P. Balloons.

[ chuckling ] p.P. Balloons.

[ chuckles ]

Blo fongool?

[ laughter ]

Blo fongool.

[ chuckling ] blo fongool.

No. These had to be the names from the earlier one.

Grandfather flesh?

[ laughter ]

Nobody's a grandpa here?

Smallmedium fat.

[ laughter ]

That's the one he laughed at?

Smallmedium fat instead of "small, medium, large."

Smallmedium fat. -Oh, my god.

[ laughs ]

[ laughing ] I guess that's it.

Lassassa sassassa shingots?

[ laughter ]

Aye yai yai.

I mean, this is lassassa sh--

Lassassa sassassa shingots.

-Hey, troy? -Hey, troy.

[ laughter ]

I got the intel for lassassa sassassa shingots.

Q: "I got the intel."

A name on a list is intel.

Okay, well, I'm going through the whole list.

I know.

You, too.

[ snickers ] [ laughter ]

-Troy. -Troy.

Hey, troy, you may want to hold up sal on this one.

[ laughter ]

Joe, we're in position. We're ready.

We're in position. Yeah.

Mutha[bleep] doug white.

[ laughter ]

Mutha[bleep] doug white.

Good job, joey.

They just sent me a list of names,

And then they're going to send you into the room

To do a focus group.

Johnny calabash?

Okay, no johnny calabash. No? Okay.

Raylee? Raylee ota?

[ laughter ]

Sal: Smirk. Look at that, look at that, look at that.

-Raylee ota. -Raylee.

[ laughter ]

Toodles valentine?

[ laughter ]

Nicknamed toodles? Valentine?

[ chuckling ] no.

[ laughter ]

Buffalo childrens.

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ]

That's a laugh. We got one.

Hey, troy.

Yeah, they -- so far, nobody's been here yet.

Joe: He just hung up on troy. [ laughs ]

He didn't even say goodbye. He just hung up.

Lisa?

Forgettable lisa?

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ] get it all out.

Alpha noogiepuss?

Nope.

[ laughter ]

-Got him. -You got him. Alpha noogiepuss.

[ ding! ] [ laughter ]

Is it, beefies candelabra?

[ laughter ] murr: Beefies candelabra.

Beefies candelabra.

[ laughter ]

You would think the best thing for me to do is just...

-Ask for our names. -...Get everybody's names

And then just check it against the list,

But we'll just keep going this way, I guess,

'cause it makes more sense.

Ah, this must be it now.

Okay, karen whitebitch?

[ laughter ]

Karen whitebitch?

Sal: Why did he say, "this must be it"?

"this must be it"? Why did you preface it that way?

The one-and-only egg montoya.

[ laughter ]

I thought you were gonna say eric.

-Oh. -Yeah.

-Eric montoya? -Yeah.

[ laughter ]

-No. -You don't go by egg, do you?

Montoya's my middle name.

Oh, do you go by, or you ever been known by

The one-and-only egg montoya?

Did your friends call you that? -I mean, once,

I made the best tuna casserole,

Put eggs in it, so they nicknamed me egg.

-Come on, dude. -Are you kidding me?

-Your nickname is egg montoya? -Yeah.

-[ laughs ] -holy [bleep]

-Did I just win? -No, no, that's not the game.

[ chuckles ] humjob, texas ranger.

[ laughter ]

Humjob, texas ranger?

-What is your name? -Danny.

Nope. Today you're humjob, texas ranger.

-I take that. -Alright.

Room four. Room four.

Room four for humjobs.

Later, humjob. Take it easy, bud.

[ laughter ]

Joe: Alright, sal, cranjis mcbasketball.

Here's our mvp, the guy who's best at the game.

If you hear your name called, just -- I'll send you --

Tell you which office to go to.

Tina?

Tina melt?

[ laughter ]

Tina?

Hmm. Interesting.

Noice pahnts?

Murr: [ laughing ] noice. [ laughter ]

Nice pants. -Nice pants.

Noice? Noice pahnts?

Definitely not me.

Alright.

[ laughter ]

-What's over there, sal? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright.

[ laughter ]

-What's over there, sal? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Coach grapefruit? Is he -- is he --

[ laughter ]

Is he -- is -- 'cause I know there's gonna be --

[ speaking gibberish ]

[ laughter ] that's one. That's one.

-We got him. -That's one.

None of you go by coach grapefruit?

Or do you coach anyone that calls you coach grapefruit?

-No. -[ laughs ]

Alright. Mrs. Skinbag. Is that -- is that --

[ laughter ]

-Mrs. Skinbag. -Skinbag?

Maybe they gave you the wrong list.

It happens, but we'll see.

Well, if varmint o'einstein is here...

[ laughter ]

Varmint? -Varmint?

-V-a-r-m-I-n-t. -That's not me.

[ laughter ]

Probably have the wrong list.

Well, if you're not gnarly ratsack, then...

[ laughter ]

-Gnarly ratsack. -It's a laugh.

Gnarly ratsack?

Rats-- ratsack? Ratsack? Gnarly ratsack?

"troy."

Troy, please.

[ laughter ]

What grouping do you have me with,

Because I've gone through --

What group is gnarly ratsack in?

Sal: Terrific. Okay, thank you.

Okay, we'll just keep going through these.

Pope lips?

[ laughter and applause ]

Mrs. Or mr. Lips. Pope lips.

[ laughter ]

[ speaks indistinctly ] [ laughter ]

That got him.

[ exhales slowly ]

You got to say it out loud, bud.

[ exhales slowly ] [ laughter ]

Sal, no matter how many times you start and stop,

It's still gonna be the same name.

You look like you're practicing lamaze.

[ chuckling ] what are you doing?

I only have one person left on this list,

And if it's none of you guys,

Then I probably have the wrong list,

'cause I'm not positive any of you

Are sgunnt funkster, the duchess of sussex

[ laughter ]

Any royalty in the room?

Is there any royalty in the room from sussex county?

Oh, I'm royalty.

Alright, let me go figure out what's going on.

I'll get you guys out of here because --

Because we've been here forever. [ laughter ]

If you have any questions or you need me,

My name's cranjis mcbasketball.

[ laughter and applause ]

Narrator: Is there a james murray here?

You're first up on the loser board.

School's in session, bitches.

Today, we're teaming up,

Presenting homeschooling ideas to parents.

And, of course, the ideas that we're presenting

Have been created by the other guys.

At the end, we'll ask the parents to raise their hand

If any part of what we taught today was viable.

Whoever has the fewest hands raised loses.

Welcome. Thank you for coming.

Are you guys all parents here? -Yeah.

So we made the presentation for them,

And they have to get through it to the best of their ability.

Brian and I have come up with a new curriculum

To help parents homeschool their children better.

Here we go.

The beiderhoff method is what we've coined

Our method to homeschool children.

Q: The pillars of beiderhoff is, one,

You prepare the student's space,

Two, prepare the student's body...

-Yes. -...Get them ready,

And then three, punish failure, of course.

[ laughter ]

Got to punish failure. I think that's important, right?

Yeah. Negative reinforcement is as important

As positive reinforcement in our method.

-When applied correctly. -Correctly.

-Yes. -"really?" she's like, "really?"

You need space to learn.

You know, your home already contains the ideal classroom.

It's quiet, it's cool, it's distraction-free.

A learning closet. Boom.

[ laughter ] a learning closet.

Murr: You lock the door from the outside

To minimize distractions.

[ laughter ]

Do you find it's hard at home to make your kids focus?

-Very hard. -Mm-hmm, very hard.

What is the number-one distraction?

Mm-hmm. Yep.

None of that in a closet.

[ laughter ]

Yeah. Beiderhoff, baby.

Beiderhoff.

"overnight learning.

Learning doesn't stop when the sun goes down."

No.

"visual and audio elements are projected

Directly onto your child's eyelids as they slumber."

Sal: Look, look.

[ laughter ]

Here's a demonstration.

-Ask not... -That's my daughter, milana.

[ laughter ]

Look at that little angel just sleeping through the night

And learning, absorbing.

She's learning while sleeping.

Yeah. [ laughter ]

Yeah, look out, china. Here we come.

[ laughter ]

The tara tucker technique.

So this is tara tucker,

An a.I.-Generated girl -- artificial intelligence.

Okay, she's a smart neighborhood girl

That you're considering replacing your child with.

[ laughter ]

A daily report shows tara's grades

Are just slightly higher than your own child's.

Tara's brain grew 10%.

Your brain shrunk.

[ laughter ]

Can't keep up with tara.

Through fear, you'll see results.

[ laughter ]

The delivery.

Murray, what a steady delivery.

You see what we've done.

We've compared your child with a fictional child,

And that will inspire your child to do better.

Make sense?

[ laughs ]

Big ups. Alright, now, this is the flip side of that.

Of course, it is important to give props

Where props are due, okay?

Respond by thumping your chest,

Pointing up to the sky while saying, "big ups."

Big ups, everyone. Big ups. Big ups.

No, I mean, do it, though.

-Oh. -Yeah, there we go.

Big ups! -Big ups.

Joe: Yeah, next one,

Big ups to kurt and sarah loveland,

Who have been homeschooling since 1971.

Big ups. Big ups.

Big ups. Big ups.

"ma'am, I didn't see you 'big ups' on the end."

Ma'am, I'm sorry. I didn't see you "big ups."

Great.

[ laughter ]

But double big ups to tone rincón, who died for this shit.

Big ups.

"tone rincón, who died for this shit."

By show of hands,

How many of you think these methods will be useful

To parents in their own homes?

-Big ups? -Big ups?

No. [ laughter ]

-No? -Take a knee, boys. You lost.

Murr: Alright, boys.

-Hi. I'm joe. -And I'm sal.

So we've designed the presentation for joe and sal.

They've never seen it before.

We are creating a homeschooling curriculum

And we're workshopping it here to get honest feedback.

-Yeah. -Alright.

So, here we go. So teaching our children, right?

[ laughter ]

I'm joe, a clinical psychologist,

Father of 2, and an educator

With 15 years of experience. That's me.

And I'm his friend.

[ laughter ]

The homeschool advantage --

School starts when you want to,

No need to spend tons of money on uniforms,

And the "cafeteria" is always open.

[ laughter ]

So some disadvantages.

Conversely, the children end up a tad creepy.

-It's a stigma. -Stigma, yeah.

[ laughter ]

Next, buddy.

Our tips and tricks will change the way

You teach your homeschooled kids, aka your "homees."

-Homees. -Right?

Yeah. Right? Right? Homees.

Yeah, you don't want to be like,

"oh, that's that weird kid, dylan."

"oh, that's the homee, dylan." -right.

[ laughter ]

Let's talk so much more about homees.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Let's talk about it. -[ laughing ] so much more.

[ laughter ]

-Why you need a plan. -Yes.

With my first kid, ace, I tried to wing it.

Went with my instincts, and I [bleep] him up for life.

[ laughter ]

Yeah so he got straight -- yeah.

Yeah, the kid got straight [bleep] up.

[ laughter ]

And then even the mom admits it.

[ laughter ]

Moving on. Your homee's curriculum.

Your homee's curriculum.

These things are utterly useless.

So, yeah, things that we were taught.

So, like, chemistry, physics, non-english...

Q: "non-english."

-...World history, and ms-dos. -Yeah.

When was the last time one of your homees used ms-dos?

[ laughter ]

Switch homees with a neighbor.

You know, like... [ laughter ]

The thing is, you know, you switch up the homees

And sometimes you're going to have --

You know, one homee's going to respond

To one teacher better.

If I'm teaching a little homee from next door,

He might understand what I'm talking about,

Whereas my neighbor, when he's teaching my homee,

It could be different.

Created a presentation

Where they have to keep saying "homees."

Home trade schools.

Oh.

Q: [ laughs ]

Look at joe.

This should be an actual choice that you consider.

Joe: Home trade schools.

Oh.

Metalworking, plumbing, carpentry,

All these real-life skills, right?

Why aren't we introducing some of these functionalities

And education in lower grades?

Q: Like toilet cleaning.

[ laughs ]

The world will always need ditch diggers and those sort.

[ laughter ]

Murr: [ laughing ] look at the guy. Look at the guy.

The guy's laughing.

Alright.

Joe: Reward your homees.

Why not schedule regular video appearances by vanilla clown?

[ laughter ]

Vanilla clown is a mysterious and androgynous being

That works well with boys and girls

That everyone is kind of attracted to.

He's palatable. It reminds you of candy.

We say vanilla because it's sweet.

He's human adderall. -He's human adderall.

[ laughter ]

That's actually kind of creepy. Now that I look back --

Vanilla clown: Welcome to hell.

Yeah.

[ laughter ]

Upper elementary.

Yeah, upper elementary.

We try to strike fear a little bit, too.

[ laughter ]

Any questions?

[ laughter ]

Raise your hand if there was

Even one element today that you thought

Could be practically applied and appeal to parents.

-Yes. -Aw, yeah.

-Whoa. -One, two, three.

-Three? Are you kidding me? -That's insane.

And we, really, actually only needed one,

So that's pretty good, actually.

-Aw, man. -I can't believe it.

Narrator: Q and murr got schooled, homees,

Making murr tonight's big loser.

[ cheers and laughter ]

-Hey, hey, so, murr -- -I'm very --

Our dear murr is the big loser for this episode.

I'm more nervous than I usually am for this.

Joe: Oh, it'll be fine.

Here's a gift for you.

Can I not open it?

Sal: No, you got to open it.

It's my shiney hiney, the product from a few season--

Let's explain what my shiney hiney is

For people who might not know.

-Have you guys seen this? -What's that?

My shiney hiney anal bleaching kit.

Maybe you should've read the instructions?

Sal: Aah! Oh, my god!

Murray, oh, my god!

This is a butthole bleaching kit

And it's actually secured its first national spokesperson,

And it's a celebrity -- james s. Murray.

Yes. -No.

Congratulations, my friend.

You, from now on, are the face of my shiney hiney.

That's true. You're the national spokesperson.

That's a joke, right?

It's 100% real. We've been working on it for six months.

-Holy [bleep] -striking a deal,

Writing the contract, the whole thing.

-You guys went too far. -Oh, no, we're not done yet.

You know those coupon packs that go out?

Well, they'll be getting -- this is December.

Oh, my god. It's one of these coupon kits.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my god!

"kiss dark, cavernous hineys goodbye.

James s. Murray. My shiney hiney."

I'm really embarrassed.

Oh, my gosh. Q, how many -- what's the stats?

How many homes does that go to?

Oh, on staten island alone, joe,

130,000 people get these in the mail. No.

You know, we wanted to reach bigger than staten island,

Right, sal? -Yes.

You have a new ad in page six of the new york post.

Oh, my god!

Are you kidding me? No!

You see here -- "kiss dark, buttholes goodbye."

You've gone too far.

"my shiney hiney anal bleaching kit." this is real.

"james s. Murray -- spokesperson and anal bleaching enthusiast."

You are the face of my shiney hiney.

-Yeah, yeah. -[bleep]

Joe: We're here in new jersey. This is the new york post.

We wanted to reach new jersey.

So we were just wondering how we could reach new jersey.

[ laughs ]

Oh, my god!

You are the face of my shiney hiney.

Yeah, so we were just wondering how we could reach new jersey.

How could we do that?

[ laughs ]

Oh, my god!

This is the busiest road in new jersey.

[ laughter ]

No! No!

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

No!

This is the first time that I've seen this.

[ laughter ] holy [bleep]

Are you kidding me?

Q: "anal bleaching enthusiast" is your new title.

Murr: It's too far.

Do I get a cut of profits at least?

Funny you should ask.

It is a paid spokesmanship... -Yeah.

...And the proceeds will be split between the three of us.

[ laughter ] oh.

We should mention the last thing.

Right now, we're gonna do an instagram post,

Where you're announcing that you are the national spokesperson.

Oh, my god!

[ laughter ]

Ready, buddy? Hey, everybody.

Big announcement. Do you remember that episode

Where I used the anal bleaching kit?

Well, good news, the company reached out to me

To be their spokesperson, and I said yes.

So I'm here at my own billboard for my shiney hiney.

This is a fantastic product. You're gonna love it.

[ laughter ]

Murray's first national commercial, everybody.

-Yeah. -This is the worst, man.

Gentlemen, you have outdone yourselves.

You have outdone yourselves.

I am angry and proud.

What the...?

You see his billboard? Check out his billboard.

No.

[ laughter ]

Joe: Congratulations, murr.

[ laughter ]

Butta?

Butta onaroll?

[ laughter ]

-Frankie beans? -Tristan crackers?

-Teddy sandcastles? -Chef linguine?

-Deuteronomy crawdad? -Suge knight shyamalan?

Kentucky blubber?

[ laughter ] nope.

Call me wild balls?

Mentholomew ka-ching?

Maya? Maya twoat hurts?

Fridgey -- fridgey stinks?

Juan -- juan macarena?

[ laughter ]