Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, what's got q revealing his dinner secrets?

[ as bane ] well, typically, I feast in darkness.

[ laughter ]

Why is sal such a bawler?

[ voice breaking ] okay, bye.

Are you actually crying? He's actually crying.

Narrator: And which losing joker

Will get alliterated in tonight's poetic punishment?

"bam!" [ laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Sal: "I'm the party pup."

Alright, today, we're at dekalb market hall

Where we'll be sitting alongside strangers

Answering questions for a fake "documentary."

The documentary will be filmed by our crew,

And all we have to do

Is answer the questions without laughing.

The catch is our answers will be given to us

By the other guys.

Whoever laughs the most loses.

♪♪

Here we go, boys.

Sal: We've played this game before.

We are participating in a "fake documentary."

Joe: This is our real crew out there.

This is pete, our producer.

You know, obviously, the person to our right

Does not know what's going on.

Pete: So, I want to begin with cole.

Describe your workout routine.

I guess just some cardio,

But that's about it.

Brian, describe your workout routine.

"so, I do dip-dups..."

So, I do dip-dups..."

"...Bang-a-rangs..." ...Bang-a-rangs...

"...A set of jangles..." ...A set of jangles...

"...Shups and cruns..." ...Shups and crumbs...

"...Dips and squats..." ...Dips and squats...

"...Jacks and lungees." ...Jacks and lungees.

Sal: "then I strip down to my charlies..."

Then I strip down to the charlies.

"...Then jog in place till I crap myself."

Then I just... [ chuckles ]

[ laughter ]

Then on the treadmill, I jog in place...

♪♪

...Till I crap myself.

[ laughter ]

Pete: Cole. [ chuckling ] yes.

What's the most exotic cuisine you've ever tried?

Probably the most exotic is cactus.

Brian?

Murr: "once when I was in college..."

Well, once when I was in college...

"...I ate some puerto rican kid's ashes."

...I was in frat

And accidentally ate some puerto rican kid's ashes.

[ laughter ]

Cole, walk us through your ideal dining experience.

Ideal dining experience?

[ coughs ]

You're in trouble. He's dancing.

Sal's dancing back here.

Brian? Sal: Okay, ready?

In a bane voice, say,

[as bane] "typically, I feast in darkness."

Ideal dining experience?

[ as bane ] well, um...

Typically, I feast in darkness.

[ laughter ]

I thought I was gonna get him!

Alright, brian, you describe your personal style.

"oh, aging basic-cable reality star with cool hats."

Yeah. [ laughs ]

Murr: Got him!

I'm gonna say aging basic-cable reality star

With cool hats.

Yep.

[ laughter ]

Thank you so much. That's it?

That's it. Good job, q.

Wasn't my best showing, I'll tell you that much.

[ ding! ]

[ laughter ]

So, we're gonna be talking about relationships.

Stanley, what would you say --

What are the attributes of a healthy relationship?

Just listening.

Joe?

"relationships are, you know, 90% mental..."

Relationships are 90% mental...

"...10% physical..." ...10% physical...

"after my horse accident..."

I mean, after my horse accident...

"...It was zero percent physical

Until my walnuts re-descended."

...It was zero percent physical

Until I got the walnuts back down.

They re-descended.

[ laughter ]

Stanley, describe the best trip

You've taken with a partner.

What we did was we went to the movies.

We went to trader joe's and we got a bottle of wine

And we drank it at chipotle, and we went to...

Q: Look at joe.

...A reiki.

Joe?

Oh, man. "it was in Italy."

I was in Italy.

"I just don't remember exactly where."

I don't remember exactly where in Italy.

"naples?"

I think the area was a little confusing.

It was in naples...

Sal: "or bibity dibity..."

Or it could've been bib-- could've been bibity dibity.

It was either eastern napledon...

"you know that stupid [bleep] boot?"

You know there's a stupid [bleep] boot,

And it's kicking --

It's basically the [bleep] heel here.

But it was -- the scenery, you can't beat.

"I told you about my dick nuts, right?"

[ laughter ]

Call 'em dick nuts.

[ laughter ]

I told you guys about my dick nuts, right?

[ laughter ]

Sal's down!

I'm sorry, I was a little roundabout, but Italy.

[ laughter ]

Joe. Yeah.

What do you think is your most attractive quality?

"once they drop..." once they drop...

"...My dick nuts are great."

[ laughs ]

On--

Pete, once they drop...

...My dick nuts will be great.

[ chuckles ]

There we go!

Took forever.

So, joe, now, tell me about your best valentine's day.

"February 14, 2012..."

I would say February 14, 2012...

"...My girlfriend at the time died."

...My girlfriend at the time had passed away.

"thanks for bringing it up, mcfartland."

Thanks for bringing it up, mcfartland.

[ laughter ]

Pete -- pete mcfartland.

[ laughter ]

Pete mcfar--

Pete mcfartland is on your license.

Can you say "pete mcfartland"?

Pete: Don't say it. Don't say it.

Stanley, don't you [bleep] say it.

[ laughter ]

Alright, joe, go grow some dick nuts.

[ laughter ]

[ ding! ]

Joe: Here we go, boys.

Uh, mary, what do you do to relax?

I don't. [ laughs ]

That's the short answer.

James, what do you do to relax?

"I blindfold myself..."

I blindfold myself...

"...And play the trumpet to my plants."

...And play the trumpet to my plants.

Sal: Look at her face.

[ laughter ]

Describe your ideal roommate.

Mary.

I guess, like, ideally,

My roommate would just be, like, a dog by itself.

James.

"literally any age..."

Literally any age...

Q: "...Any race..."

...Any race... "...Any career..."

...Any career... "...But ideally..."

...But ideally...

"...A young white banker."

...A young white banker.

[ laughter ]

Ideally.

Yeah, yeah.

Q: Wow, murr!

James, describe your workout routine.

Joe: Get offended. Get offended, murr.

Why do you want to know my workout routine?

Like, I'm not answering that.

That's too personal.

[ laughter ]

Pete, describe your worst relationship right now.

Murray, jump in on it.

Uh, describe your worst relationship.

Oh, that's easy.

It was samantha from atlanta. She was intolerable.

[ laughter ]

Let me tell you, she had the worst habits.

"we weren't sexually compatible."

We weren't sexually compatible.

"I was an outie."

I was an out-- [ chuckles ]

[ laughter ]

Oh, we got him!

Okay, james, we'll stick with you.

What do you do for fun?

What do I do for fun?

"I've been weakening the glass

At the coney island aquarium."

[ laughter ]

I've -- I've been slowly weakening the glass

At the coney island aquarium.

[ laughter ]

Look at her!

"every day, I tap the same spot 200 times."

Every day, I tap the same spot 200 times.

"I'm gonna kill that [bleep] manatee

If it's the last thing I do."

[ laughter ]

Got him again!

I'm gonna kill that [bleep] manatee

If it's the last thing I do.

Pete: Alright, we're done here.

Oh, well, that was easy.

[ ding! ]

Alright.

Murr: Here we go.

So, this is "voices of brooklyn."

Pete: We're gonna be talking about relationships.

Tyrone, describe your ideal date.

Uh, meeting someplace, probably for dinner.

Q: Hey, sal, take a look at your cameraman today,

See if you notice anything on your --

[ laughter ]

Murr: Good luck keeping a straight face now.

Q: Hey, sal, take a look at your cameraman today.

[ laughter ]

Murr: Good luck keeping a straight face now

Because baby blue is staring at you the whole time.

How about you, sal?

Describe your ideal date.

Murr: "I just want someone to crack my back."

Um...

[ laughter ]

Joe's eating a banana!

Just want someone to, like, crack my back, you know?

I'll crack it.

[ laughter ]

Tyrone, what would you say is your most attractive quality?

Probably my outgoing character.

Sal, what do you think is your most attractive quality?

"uh, I'm like the ellis island of sex."

Well, I've been called --

I'm like the ellis island of sex.

Q: "I'll get busy with any filthy specimen

That washes up on my shores."

[ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

As far as where my relationships go,

I don't discriminate.

Stop saying other words!

"I'll have sex with any filthy specimen..."

You know...

Look at joe.

...I'll have relations

With any specimen, really, that...

"filthy specimen."

You know, any filthy specimen

That washes up on my shores, really.

I'm just a people lover.

"filthy people lover."

"I'm a filthy people lover."

[ laughter ]

A filthy people lover.

[ laughter ]

Q: He looks genuinely uncomfortable.

You look miserable right now.

Joe's getting warm.

Oh, no.

This is the last question.

Tell me about your best valentine's day.

Look at the top he's got on! What is that, a camisole?

[ laughter ]

A little warm, huh?

It's hot as shit in here.

[ laughter ]

Murr: That's a laugh.

Pete: Sal, would you like to take this one?

Yeah, I-I don't -- I don't --

I don't celebrate valentine's day.

[ laughter ]

That's it.

Should we have been recording?

Wait, what? You didn't roll yet?

I thought this was a rehearsal.

That wasn't a rehearsal for me.

[ laughter ]

[ buzzer ]

Narrator: Unfortunately for sal, this was no rehearsal.

He's first up on the loser board.

Today, we'll be sitting in a waiting room

Having over-the-top arguments on our cellphones.

After we hang up,

We'll be given the reason that we were so upset.

The goal is to convince the other person waiting

That you did not overreact!

If they think you overreacted, you lose.

[bleep] aah!

♪♪

Joe: Here we go. Alright, murr, you ready?

Ready to go.

So, murr's just gonna have to flip out a little bit

And see if his fight is justified.

Nice to meet you.

You can grab a spot right there.

I'm gonna go get the client,

And he should be down in just a second.

Do these things often?

A couple times, but always in a city, you know?

Never -- oh, okay. Never out here?

I'm just having a health issue right now.

I'm feeling very lightheaded.

Are you really? Yeah.

Uh-oh.

You think it was that king-sized cheesecake you just ate?

No, no, that made me feel good.

Might need to double down on it.

We need 10 ccs of cheesecake, stat!

10 ccs of cheesecake!

Marisa!

What's going on?

Joe: Guys, murr's already into it. Just go.

This is -- this is the reality? This is what we're doing.

Go get 'em, murr!

[ gags ]

Murr, we're just gonna do this while joe gets checked out --

Remember me, murr!

Win for me! ...Emts.

You sure?

Gonna bring up pictures of my children.

[ laughter ] alright.

Is it getting -- is it getting bright in here?

Q: Alright, we're good.

Go ahead, murr, start your argument.

Hello? That's insane.

Why would you even think that?

She's in. Why would you say that?

I can't believe you would think that I would do that.

What -- why? What's going through your head?

I can't do anything about it now.

I'm done with the conversation. Are you okay?

I'm done with the conversation. We'll talk about it tonight.

Goodbye.

Everything's okay?

"well, fella, I'm engaged."

[ laughter ]

Well, fella, I'm engaged.

You -- oh.

I can't believe I'm engaged.

[ laughter ]

Who proposes over the phone? I was kind of forced into it.

Wait, wait, time-out.

Did you just say you proposed over the phone?

[ laughter ]

I was just forced into getting engaged.

Did I overreact, fella?

No. No!

Oh, he didn't overreact.

He did it!

I probably would've reacted that way, too.

Anybody would've reacted the same way.

Joe: Great job, buddy.

You okay?

Yeah, she said it was a sugar crash.

Q: So we were right.

He ate so much cheesecake so fast,

Two paramedics had to come and tell him he was okay.

[ laughter ]

He ate this much cake -- the size of my hand.

We only had a 10-minute break and I had to go.

I'm so glad the evidence is still here.

And then, I mean, it was moments --

It was moments before he went,

"oh, something's not right."

[ laughing ]

This is like 11,000 calories!

Jesus almost gave me the big thumbs-down.

Murr: Here we go, buddy.

Cole, before you leave, say, "my name's joffrey.

I will return."

Um, my name is joffrey,

And I-I will return.

Okay.

[ laughter ]

Man, he delivers a line!

Sorry.

Hello?

Hey.

No, no, no, no. Not again.

This is not how I do things. We talked about this.

This is not how I do things, and you're the problem.

Okay, not me.

Fine. Alright.

[ phone thuds ]

[ sighs ]

You okay?

Murr: "my super-hot wife

Just spent all her allowance on lingerie again."

[ laughter ]

My super-hot wife

Just spent all her allowance on lingerie again.

So...

[ laughter ]

I know -- believe me.

Look, I give her an allowance.

"$1,000 a week."

It's not much. It's, you know, a pittance.

It's about $1,000 a week,

And she blows it on lingerie.

And I'm always coming home and she's in some sexy lingerie.

She's doing it for you.

"it's her allowance, but I won't allow it."

It's her allowance, but I won't allow it.

[ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

Did I overreact?

Maybe a little, yeah.

[ laughter ]

Sal: You had no chance. Murr: No chance.

Q: Here we go.

Oh, hey.

How are you?

[ chuckles ] great.

[ laughter ]

Okay, when it's my turn to respond,

I guess you'll just let me know.

Ooh. Oh!

No, you listen. I let you talk, now you listen to me, okay?

This is the last time I'm gonna let you do it. The last time!

Murr: Hang up.

Enough's enough with it.

"nana's making [bleep] spaghetti again."

[ laughter ]

Joe: No, you listen.

I let you talk, now you listen to me, okay?

This is the last time I'm gonna let you do it. The last time!

Murr: Hang up.

Enough's enough with it.

"nana's making [bleep] spaghetti again."

[ laughter ]

My nana's making [bleep] spaghetti again.

[ laughter ]

How many pounds of spaghetti does a guy got to eat?

"look what spaghetti has made of me."

Murr: "look what it's done to me."

I just can't say no to the spaghetti.

You see what it's done to me after all the years.

"I'm in my mid-50s.

I can't be eating spaghetti like this all the time."

I'm in my mid-50s.

I can't be eating spaghetti like this.

How much longer do you think I got?

You don't look it.

I don't look it? Oh, thanks, man.

Hey! Alright!

Did I overreact?

Uh...

Maybe a little bit.

[ laughter ]

Joey gatto goes down!

Uh, yes, we're ready for the 60-year-old.

[ laughter ]

[ buzzer ]

Joe: Alright, sal, you're up.

Hello, how are you?

What's your name? Lee.

Lee. You can grab a seat.

Joe: Wait till it gets quiet, cole,

And then all of a sudden go, "I'm joffrey!"

I'm joffrey!

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god!

Oh! Oh, my god!

Just about ready.

I'm gonna go see

And make sure they come to the right room.

♪♪

Javier bardem in "did I overreact?"

Hello.

Yeah, I-I'll be about another half-hour maybe.

What?

[ voice breaking ] are you serious?

[ laughter ]

[ sniffles ] why would you tell me this right now?

I'm at work.

Murr: Oh, man.

Well, I'm very upset about it.

He's crying.

He's cry-- are you actually crying?

He's actually crying.

[ sniffles ] okay, bye.

Oh, man.

Are you okay?

"it might rain tomorrow."

[ laughter ]

It might rain tomorrow.

[ laughter ]

It's raining right now.

It's raining now! That's the funny part.

Where am I gonna find an umbrella at this hour?

[ laughter ]

Don't worry, I have like five in my car.

You'd lend me your umbrella?

You can actually keep it.

I can keep your umbrella?

[ laughter ]

[ laughing ] that's the nicest thing

Anyone's ever said to me.

[ laughter ]

He's losing it!

Oh, man.

Do you think I overreacted?

[ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

Just a little. Murr: Just a little!

[ laughter ]

[ buzzer ]

Narrator: Now sal really has something to cry about.

He's tonight's big loser.

Alright! Yeah!

Sal is our loser today.

Yeah, so we thought, plain and simple,

We'd send him to a poetry class... Sure.

...To rip apart other people's poems

And then present the poem that we've written for you at the end.

Murr: Alright.

Yeah, you're just gonna crap all over people

And then you're gonna stand in front of them

And read a poem we wrote you.

Sal, to be or not to be a dick.

[ laughter ]

Welcome to gotham writers' workshop, everyone.

Joe: So, these are real poets with the group gotham writers

That have come to do a real class with a real teacher

Who happens to be on our side.

Q: They'll be in the class with a real jerk.

Murr: Yes.

So, who would like to start?

Come on up. Yeah, you can come on up.

Here we go.

"cozy in between with the smell of campfire.

Like a blanket wrapped around me scented of cinnamon,

The perfect trio of companions,

The ever-tasty s'more."

[ applause ]

That was a pretty good poem. She's pretty good. It was great.

It was really nice and felt very well-drafted.

"eh..."

[ laughter ]

Eh, um...

Yes.

"I didn't believe you."

[ laughter ]

Woman: "the perfect trio of companions,

The ever-tasty s'more."

[ applause ]

"eh..."

[ laughter ]

Eh, um...

Yes.

"I didn't believe you."

[ laughter ]

I-I think it could be because of the set-up,

But I had trouble...

Believing you.

Ooh!

Q: "but..." but -- but...

"but very nicely done.

Strong first draft."

[ laughter ]

Very nicely done.

Um...

Solid -- solid first draft.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Joe: Wow, look at him.

Look, he's miserable!

His hair's flopped over, he's sweating.

♪♪

Alright. "scared as [bleep]"

"so [bleep] nice.

I will spend the rest of my entire life

Searching for those happy little pills.

I knew you must've left a few behind."

[ applause ]

I really just love how raw that was.

"eh..." joe: "eh..."

"maybe the next draft, no curses."

I -- you had me hooked immediately. Thank you.

A little less poop mouth, but other than that, it's great.

[ laughter ]

[ sighs ] this is brutal.

Man: "karly, not now.

Don't touch it, even if you've asked.

I'm not a pet."

[ applause ]

Any comments?

"one critique -- maybe more words."

[ laughter ] yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry.

If I could add anything at all,

It would just probably be, uh, words.

Whoa.

Well, they're -- they're a haiku.

Murr: They're starting to realize he's an idiot, huh?

Thank you so much.

[ applause ]

"'it smells like winter,' she said,

While laying sideways on his unkempt, warm bed.

He knew the end was near, but not how or when it would be,

Making infatuation disappear."

"I loved it."

I-I loved it. Sorry, didn't mean to cut, but I loved it, for one.

Thank you.

"it reminds me of the very best..."

It reminds me of, um, the very --

The very best...

"...Greeting card."

[ laughs ]

...Like, greeting card.

[ scoffs ] [ laughter ]

"I mean this as a compliment.

You're a writer, not a performer."

[ sighs ]

My final thought would be, like, you are a writer.

Not a performer, but you're a writer.

Oh!

[ laughter ]

Sal! He's dead!

Just died inside!

[ laughter ]

Joe: Alright, sal, you ready for your turn?

Man: Alright. Moving right along.

Who hasn't gone? Would you like to go?

Alright.

Joe: Perform to the best of your ability.

He's seeing it for the first time right now.

Here we go, here we go.

[ sighs ]

"I am the road not taken."

[ laughter ]

"bam!

The truck hit me.

Wah! Wah! Wah!

The ambulance get me."

[ laughter ]

"hot, sticky, sweaty birth.

Hot, cold stank.

[ whispering ] death."

[ laughter ]

"the brain bone is connected to the heart bone.

My bone is c-connected to your bone."

♪♪

"we bone.

Knick-knack paddy wack, give this pup a bone.

I'm the party pup."

[ laughter ]

"awoo!

Woof, woof! You need a hug?

Awoo, woof, woof!

I shit the rug."

[ laughter ]

"never pay retail."

[ laughter ]

Ah, sal!

Thank you. Murr: Oh, my god!

Any thoughts?

Who's got some thoughts?

I guess I kind of got a little bit disconnected

Because there were a lot of cliches.

Yeah, it's pretty basic.

[ laughter ]

Alright. Alright, thanks.

Alright.

Yes, yes.

Sal, good job, buddy. Party pup in the house!

In the house!

Nailed it.

[ laughter ]

Alright.