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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:12,790 From NBC News, this is Today with Brian Gumbel and Katie Curie. 2 00:00:13,150 --> 00:00:15,370 Good morning to you. Welcome to this beautiful day. 3 00:00:15,830 --> 00:00:18,650 We're going to help you get it off to a great start. Good morning, Katie. 4 00:00:18,850 --> 00:00:21,870 Good morning, Brian. How are you? Me? I couldn't be better. 5 00:00:22,230 --> 00:00:23,510 Yourself? Just fine. 6 00:00:24,010 --> 00:00:25,010 How was your night? 7 00:00:25,250 --> 00:00:27,990 Mine? Couldn't be better. And yours? Just fine. 8 00:00:28,690 --> 00:00:29,930 How was your ride in the elevator? 9 00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:32,229 Mine? Couldn't be better. And yours? 10 00:00:52,350 --> 00:00:53,570 What? What? 11 00:00:54,210 --> 00:00:58,130 What is it? 12 00:00:58,750 --> 00:01:01,650 I think it's Jackal. 13 00:01:02,010 --> 00:01:07,010 That dude looks like Heidi Fleiss. 14 00:01:07,830 --> 00:01:08,830 Oh, yeah. 15 00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:11,950 She's skanky. Yeah. 16 00:01:12,650 --> 00:01:13,650 She's ugly. 17 00:01:14,910 --> 00:01:17,070 She's what you call fugly. 18 00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:21,870 She's a fugly, skanky whore. 19 00:01:23,270 --> 00:01:25,010 That wasn't very nice, Biba. 20 00:01:26,110 --> 00:01:27,290 Oh, sorry about that. 21 00:01:31,060 --> 00:01:34,620 This dude's chest is about as puny and hairless as yours, Beavis. 22 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,000 Shut up, fartcracker. 23 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:37,620 I can kick this dude's ass. 24 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:41,620 You mean fartknocker, Beavis. Oh, yeah, yeah. And for the last time, you can't 25 00:01:41,620 --> 00:01:42,620 kick anybody's ass. 26 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,120 Yeah, I can. I'm getting bigger. Like, I've been drinking milk. 27 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:48,359 Yeah, right. 28 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:50,180 I don't really want it. I had some last week. 29 00:01:51,060 --> 00:01:52,460 Yeah, but then you spit it out. 30 00:01:52,660 --> 00:01:54,840 Yeah, but it was in my mouth long enough for me to, like, you know, get some 31 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,040 vitamins and stuff out of it. 32 00:01:57,820 --> 00:01:58,820 Dumbass. 33 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:02,320 Whoa. 34 00:02:02,940 --> 00:02:05,780 He's just, like, walking around in his underwear. 35 00:02:06,380 --> 00:02:08,660 And he's, like, having popcorn for breakfast. 36 00:02:08,860 --> 00:02:09,860 Yeah, pretty cool. 37 00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:17,400 He has morning wood. 38 00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:20,500 Yeah. 39 00:02:21,380 --> 00:02:23,460 He's got a breakfast burrito. 40 00:02:33,290 --> 00:02:34,530 I'm not home, though. 41 00:02:35,010 --> 00:02:37,970 Hey, man, guess what? I'm in the Bahamas. 42 00:02:38,730 --> 00:02:39,970 It's beautiful here. 43 00:02:40,210 --> 00:02:42,710 Hey, just a minute. The girls want to say hi to you. 44 00:02:43,050 --> 00:02:44,290 Oh, check it out, butthead. 45 00:02:45,090 --> 00:02:46,710 How did that dude get all those chicks? 46 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,250 Cousin, dumbass. 47 00:02:48,950 --> 00:02:50,450 His name is Schlong. 48 00:02:52,690 --> 00:02:56,530 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, teaching Schlong. I forgot about that. 49 00:02:57,610 --> 00:02:58,610 You know what? 50 00:02:58,890 --> 00:03:01,190 Cheeks should change his name to Buttcheeks. 51 00:03:02,340 --> 00:03:04,860 And they have, like, butt cheeks and schlong. 52 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:09,740 I don't think you'd get chicks with a name like butt cheeks, either. 53 00:03:10,980 --> 00:03:12,200 Oh, man. Oh, yeah. 54 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,680 That was my nickname when I was a kid. 55 00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:16,100 Butt cheeks. 56 00:03:16,940 --> 00:03:18,160 Oh, yeah. 57 00:03:24,340 --> 00:03:25,340 Heather, 58 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:28,720 tell us about your date. 59 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:33,290 Well, when he first showed up, I thought, He's cute and built and kind of 60 00:03:33,290 --> 00:03:35,150 sensitive. Butthead, first impression? 61 00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:38,890 Uh, well, Chuck, I thought she had big thingies. 62 00:03:40,670 --> 00:03:42,830 So then what happened? 63 00:03:43,070 --> 00:03:44,590 He took me to the quick mart. 64 00:03:44,870 --> 00:03:45,870 Yeah. 65 00:03:46,250 --> 00:03:49,070 I bought her some nachos so she'd, like, put out. 66 00:03:49,290 --> 00:03:50,370 Really? Did it work? 67 00:03:50,850 --> 00:03:51,850 Yeah. 68 00:03:52,450 --> 00:03:53,870 I scored, Chuck. 69 00:03:55,530 --> 00:03:56,530 Cool. 70 00:03:57,810 --> 00:03:59,850 Uh, thank you very much. 71 00:04:07,050 --> 00:04:08,290 You must let go. 72 00:04:08,490 --> 00:04:12,430 If you are rooted in the Tao, the force of the earth will support you. 73 00:04:12,690 --> 00:04:14,690 Yeah, but like, when are we going to kick some ass? 74 00:04:15,550 --> 00:04:18,529 Patience, my son. Have you forgotten your lesson so quickly? 75 00:04:18,829 --> 00:04:21,089 But master, does not the fire need water too? 76 00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:25,530 Does not the mountain need the storm? Does not your scrotum need kicking? 77 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:37,680 Button, over 500 girls have had sex with you. How do you explain the attraction? 78 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:40,640 Uh, just look at me. 79 00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:44,300 Hey, baby. 80 00:04:47,980 --> 00:04:49,540 Button! Button! Button! 81 00:04:50,220 --> 00:04:51,220 Wake up. 82 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,580 I think we, like, missed school or something. 83 00:04:54,940 --> 00:04:57,640 Cool. It's not like we were going to learn anything. 84 00:04:58,920 --> 00:04:59,920 Oh, yeah. 85 00:05:11,690 --> 00:05:17,190 Uh, fire those retro rockets, shoot the fruit on torpedoes, and, like, uh, make 86 00:05:17,190 --> 00:05:18,190 us go that way. 87 00:05:19,170 --> 00:05:21,050 Uh, excuse me. 88 00:05:21,430 --> 00:05:24,350 I order you to undress and show me your thingies. 89 00:05:25,370 --> 00:05:28,950 But, Captain, that violates intergalactic law, or something. 90 00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:30,370 Number one. 91 00:05:30,670 --> 00:05:32,550 I order you to go take a number two. 92 00:05:33,030 --> 00:05:34,030 Aye, aye, Captain. 93 00:05:36,390 --> 00:05:38,090 That was cool. 94 00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:46,390 Roger, Baker One. 95 00:05:46,830 --> 00:05:51,150 The suspect passed the stop sign, so I pulled him over and kicked his ass. 96 00:05:53,510 --> 00:05:56,650 Just then, a man walked by with a dog, so I kicked his ass. 97 00:05:57,050 --> 00:05:58,750 Hey, where do you think you're going? 98 00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:12,680 Here's a story of a guy named Butthead who was horny for three very lovely 99 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:19,360 girls. Then along came a guy named Beavis. He was horny, too. 100 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:24,620 Hey, Beavis, we like living in the same house with three chicks. 101 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,860 That was a cool day. 102 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,520 Yeah. I'm, like, really tired. 103 00:06:43,860 --> 00:06:44,860 Yeah. 104 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,660 I guess it's, like, time to go to sleep or something. 105 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:48,880 Yeah. 106 00:06:53,620 --> 00:06:54,040 Is 107 00:06:54,040 --> 00:07:02,660 that 108 00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:03,660 some monkeys? 109 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:04,920 Oh, mate. 110 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,680 They look like butt monkeys. 111 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,940 Is that that episode where they go to the dude ranch? 112 00:07:12,980 --> 00:07:16,300 Uh, you're thinking of happy days, dumbass. 113 00:07:16,540 --> 00:07:17,540 Oh, yeah. 114 00:07:17,820 --> 00:07:19,960 Hey, sit on it. 115 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:21,460 Sit on my butt. 116 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,620 That reminds me of this joke. 117 00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:29,140 There's this dude and he, like, meets this slut in a bar. 118 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,780 And they're like, uh, going back to her place. 119 00:07:33,130 --> 00:07:36,070 And then, like, he can't find his keys. 120 00:07:37,590 --> 00:07:39,350 Well, then he needs, like, a flashlight. 121 00:07:40,070 --> 00:07:44,530 And then he says, help me find my keys and we can drive out of here. 122 00:07:45,410 --> 00:07:48,410 I don't get it. 123 00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,010 She was a slut. 124 00:07:56,090 --> 00:07:57,090 Hey, 125 00:07:57,950 --> 00:07:58,950 put it. 126 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,380 Isn't it like from that city liquor movie? 127 00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:06,900 Oh, yeah. 128 00:08:08,260 --> 00:08:11,980 Remember that one part where that guy, like, sticks his hand up that cow's 129 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:13,240 Oh, yeah, yeah. 130 00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:17,140 And then he, like, pulls out a dog, and it's all wet. 131 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:20,820 That wasn't a dog. 132 00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:25,360 That looked like a big rabbit. 133 00:08:34,390 --> 00:08:36,789 Good morning to you. Welcome to this beautiful day. 134 00:08:37,230 --> 00:08:39,049 We're going to help you get off to a great start. 135 00:08:39,450 --> 00:08:43,250 Hey, buddy. I dreamed I was in school last night. You think that counts for 136 00:08:43,250 --> 00:08:45,790 attendance? Uh, I think so. 137 00:08:46,370 --> 00:08:47,370 Was I there, too? 138 00:08:47,750 --> 00:08:48,750 Yeah. 139 00:08:48,950 --> 00:08:49,950 Cool. 140 00:08:50,150 --> 00:08:52,090 So let's, like, take the day off. 141 00:08:52,370 --> 00:08:53,370 Yeah. 142 00:08:53,770 --> 00:08:54,790 What do you want to do? 143 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,750 Uh... Mine? Couldn't be better. 144 00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,520 And now for the weather. Here's Willard Scott. Thanks, Brian. And what another 145 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:03,520 beautiful day outside. 146 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,220 We've got some birthdays here. 147 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:09,160 Eleanor Riley from sunny Clearwater, Florida is 100 years young today. 148 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:18,640 That's Snoop Doggy Dog. 149 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:19,960 No, dumbass. 150 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:21,320 That's a chick. 151 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:24,240 She's got his hair cut, though. 152 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,120 Yeah. 153 00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:27,860 You little weirdo. 154 00:09:28,330 --> 00:09:29,330 Yeah. 155 00:09:30,710 --> 00:09:33,210 She's like one of those drama club teachers. 156 00:09:33,690 --> 00:09:34,690 Oh, yeah, yeah. 157 00:09:35,350 --> 00:09:38,430 They're always trying to get you to, like, prance around like some kind of 158 00:09:38,430 --> 00:09:42,210 wussy. Yeah, it's like they say, be a tree. 159 00:09:44,290 --> 00:09:45,850 Now be a fat tree. 160 00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:47,830 Now be a happy tree. 161 00:09:48,470 --> 00:09:49,470 Yeah. 162 00:09:53,610 --> 00:09:57,610 Man, this chick is out of her gourd. 163 00:09:59,259 --> 00:10:01,820 She's, like, completely whacked out. 164 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:06,340 No, it's like, I can't really blame her because, like, some of these weird 165 00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:07,920 chicks make tons of money. 166 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,000 Really? 167 00:10:10,180 --> 00:10:11,180 Yeah. 168 00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:15,280 It's not like they're going around saying, we need a normal chick to dance 169 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,259 the truck. 170 00:10:16,260 --> 00:10:18,180 Yeah. Hey, buddy. 171 00:10:18,780 --> 00:10:21,560 You think I could make some, like, money if I acted like a weird chick? 172 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:24,480 I think you have to, like, be from England or something. 173 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,280 Oh, damn it. 174 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,800 Whoa, she's grabbing her crotch. Oh, yeah, yeah. 175 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,160 Hey, 176 00:10:31,580 --> 00:10:34,380 buddy, I thought Jake didn't have a crotch. No, dumbass. 177 00:10:34,780 --> 00:10:36,140 You're thinking of nads. 178 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:40,300 Well, I'm thinking of the crotch, actually. 179 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:43,200 So girls have a crotch? 180 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:45,840 I'll be damned. 12141