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Active.

It's me.

One second.

I don't know how I can make this more clear. It's half coffee, half good

evening. I'm Vic Michaelis.

Nope. Good evening. Nope.

Well, if you're going to speak to me like that, we're not related anymore.

Yeah, absolutely.

No, fuck off yourself.

I don't know. That looked really good. You guys did a really good job.

Sorry. And things are going to be great.

That was such a sweet intro.

I really appreciate that. Thank you.

Hey, Dan, how are you feeling? I'm feeling good.

Good.

I can't. I literally was like, I'm a dog.

I literally was like, I'm a puppy, and they're putting tattoos on me. I'm a bad

dog. If you believe, if you believe, you can follow your

dreams. That is fucking crazy.

Okay,

great. Do we want the accent? Does that feel crazy to you? I love it. We like

it. Does everyone feel okay about that?

Oh, no.

That's all right. Kind of cool.

This outfit actually looks pretty spectacular on you.

Thanks.

This is mine.

Yeah, I assumed this outfit was yours. Everything you see.

Yeah, well, your nails are on your nails, so I would assume that your nails

yours as well.

Why are we doing this?

What did you say?

I can't do it without doing your accent, and that feels maybe offensive.

Try.

It was really good. Do you think? Do you want me to do?

If you've got it in you, if you don't mind.

You getting this?

You getting this? Okay. I'll just do a small snippet.

Every day when I wake up, grateful for the world.

Every day when I wake up, I'm a girl.

And every day when I wake up, I'm serving cunt. And every day when I wake

Can't say that. What the fuck?

I don't think they can say any of that. The money feels nice. It does feel

really good. Can I have half back?

Yeah. That's not half.

What are you gaining from this?

One at a time.

What's going on?

I don't want it. That's what I was just saying. That's what you're doing.

Do you ever go to strip clubs?

Me? Yeah. Love them. Oh, that's shocking.

They play sometimes my music, my old music from Maroon 5 at strip clubs. Is

true? Mm -hmm.

What if you did the worm? Can you do that? Yeah. Go. Okay.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go. And we're down on the ground. And we're down on the ground.

inch up.

And then we crawl out.

And then we inch up.

And then we sort of crawl out like a worm.

It's out. This feels so nice.

You're making me uncomfortable.

Okay, sorry.

Your turn.

Okay. Oh, it's wet from when I spilled my drink.

I think I can try to do the worm. Try.

Oh, God, that's hard.

Come in.

There. Okay, wow. That's actually better than I was expecting.

That's okay.

You called us the schlong.

Every day is a new day.

It's a party every day.

People say, get out of my way. I said, no.

The sun is shining. The babies are crying. And that's right.

We're in America.

Oh, hey, hey. How's it going?

Oh, what's good?

See, my mouth move is weird as well.

Like, it shouldn't be like that, but it is. I'm a little nervous because, you

know, I'm the first real alien. Every alien footage you've seen before,

fake. Thank

you.

I'm so sorry, Denzel. I was told you were here to sort of promote a new

character. Oh, yeah. I used this alien technique where I told you I was going

do something and did the opposite so that I could come on your show. Lied.

lied. What?

Yeah.

Denzel, what is this?

That is my son.

This is your son?

Yeah, so every time you're being mean to me, just know you're being mean to a

father.

Every time you were mean to me, you were mean to me and my son. Denzel, I have

so many follow -up questions here. Oh, do you have this? Do you have this?

Where sometimes, you know, you hang out. If you watch a few movies, you wander

in the streets.

Then you see someone come out of a Menchie's. They're kind of cute. You

talk to them. You gas them up. You go hang out.

You go to the local Chili's. You share a drink. You go back to her place.

Do you know what that's like?

Yeah, that's how I created my son.

Wait, that's how you created your son?

Yeah, yeah. I have sex with people and puke into a jar, and this is what it

turns into.

You wake up 50 years from now.

You've repopulated the earth.

Uh -huh. You wake up in the morning. What's the first thing that happened

this new superior technology?

I mean, this little buddy's probably a mayor or something. He probably fixes

traffic.

Honestly, that does sound like that might be better.

It's hard out here, you know, a gleeful alien trying to date. Like, I was on the

application, the dating application, when they showed up to the date vastly

different than the photos presented.

Like, what's going on there? Bring the picture. I'll take the picture on a

How will I ever wipe my butt again?

There's just a monster behind the curtain. Are you ready?

I'm ready.

My name could be bad.

I've met a couple bad.

Do we have a cigarette?

Do we?

Yeah, we could figure it out.

Oh, we could figure it out. Okay, good.

Oh, I have something in my pocket.

Candy.

You want a candy, girl?

I'll trade you a cigarette for candy. Of course. Thank you.

Look, I have blue freckles, too.

Do you know what you're going to look like when you're old? You look fucking

fantastic. Honestly, I look so much better than I felt like I was going to

Do I need a reason to be important? We can either talk about it right now or,

like, we spend the first, like, five to ten minutes workshopping. Yeah, I'd love

to just, like, play with Vic and then we'll find something. And you guys

work together. Yeah, yeah. Is there a way we can do with Vic, like, say that,

like, I want to be there now? Yeah, totally.

That's great.

Please introduce yourself.

Why are you causing such a situation?

These are just puns at this point.

Do three more.

If you want to do this, do three more. Do three more puns and they need to come

up organically.

Jen.

What is that one?

Is there a girl named Jen? Yeah.

Jen. How was that pun?

Jen.

Jen, it's not a pun, but I will let you have it if you do two more organic puns.

Are you sure?

Is that because of Jersey Shore?

Okay.

One more.

Ron.

And then you go to the shore. And then you, what?

What are you doing today?

Smartass? I wake up, I go to work, I go to sleep. You're not going to say, and

then what?

That's my job.

I'm interviewing you. That's your job?

To say, and then what? My job is to interview you.

I'm interviewing you right now. We're recording it, and then this is going out

to people. People are going to find this, like, probably relatable.

People are going to write in and be like, oh, my grandpa's ex -wife, who was

grandmother at one point, who I call Nana, sort of spanked me one time when I

was an adult and then couldn't come up with three Jersey Shore puns.

Do you want to see something funny? I would like to.

Like when I was seven.

Stop. I'm not going to do it.

I'm leaving today. This is all you. I'm not going.

Grab that side. Come on, take it.

I'll get you.

And then it goes on.

That was fun.

Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

Nana.

I'm going in three, two, one. Nana.

I can't. That's physiology.

Nana.

Don't. Don't. You can play that game.

We can't give our feet away for free.

Don't, don't. Stop.

Stop. Catch me if you can.

I can very easily. You're slow.

Psych. Do you like it? Psych.

Psych. Psych.

Tamiya, where are you at? Where do you feel like you're at in the process?

Oh, the beginning.

Very early.

Do you have a cap on?

No. You have a cap on? That's a clue.

Yeah, things are happening over here.

Something's happened.

This is a lot. This is like, I did a first look for my wedding and it wasn't

this stressful.

The point is, this is not a show at all. It's just a forced wedding.

Damn, dude.

I don't have my vows ready.

What is our money to your money here?

Has it grown?

Has it diminished?

Either way, we've got enough of whatever it is to compare to whatever you've

got. Hi, we'll be showing you the open house. We're really excited.

If you could please put on these booties.

I am not human.

Hello! I'm not human.

We are not human.

Not human.

Not human.

Not human.

We never were human.

You used to be porcelain, correct?

Yes. How are you adjusting to skin?

There are so many feelings that I did not know you could have.

That's right. We spent a lot of time just touching each other.

Touching each other?

Just to feel something.

I see.

What kind of dolls were you, if you don't mind me asking?

What do you mean? So you have porcelain dolls, but you know how sometimes

there's the dancer doll and there's the, there's a musician doll.

You are saying that here you put your dolls into a box, you type the dolls so

they do not have a multifaceted personality.

They are just a one thing at a time. If a doll was during the tango, what would

you say that that doll is outside of a dancing doll? We would have to talk to

them and see their personality.

Say what's your, what's your into? How do you fuck?

I'm sorry?

How do you fuck?

MSNBC, we know somebody with a tiny guillotine. But if we put that tiny

guillotine in a house at midnight and lightning strikes the top of it and it

says, I want to be human, it will turn big and we will use exactly that

guillotine to cut every single MSNBC person's head off of their body. I think

that the logic is closer. The darkness inside me is two.

It is me.

And it is you.

But how far have we drifted from each other? Beautiful. With each breath, the

lungs grow close.

And we grow far.

Don't cut.

He's not done. The carbon.

Is that her?

It is her.

Now, this is hard. Oh, okay.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Bonjour. Bonjour.

Hello. Thank you for meeting us here. We hope this is not inconvenient.

Yes, we are needing... of your help.

What are you looking for here?

Her. She is the one that created us.

Please help. Because we are dolls.

Please help.

Please help us dolls find our creator.

We need to... Hi, hello. We are dolls. We need to find our creator.

Hi, hello. The dolls that are us are looking for their creator. Which is

Do you know?

Do you know? Do you know? Please help. Please help. Please. Send a pigeon.

Send a... Send a pigeon.

Oh, I come through here.

Now?

Yeah, you got it. I felt kidnapped.

Oh, boy.

I'm Tom Hanks in high school.

I don't know that. Wow.

Are those children's boots?

Like children's Madewells? Just like little bootsies.

Wow.

Yeah,

and it's really... Weird. Well, you scare the children. Well, I do want to,

know, it's like, hey, do you want a photo op? And they're all like, ah!

Yeah. Doesn't seem appropriate.

It is weird. Here we are in French Polynesia.

We actually went to wait. We did date briefly.

We did date briefly. That was a big tabloid moment. Well, we don't bring

up, do we?

You didn't ask?

Okay. Well, we did.

It's like I don't know what I'm trying.

So I'm on Thrinder, and no one's...

Sometimes

we have bloopers, so I can't even get through my Thrinder joke.

Hello, I am back. I was looking at the monitor of myself, which I shouldn't

at. Anything else you want to say?

Let's have fun.

That was great.

Come on, team.

I have kind of a guess, but... What's your guess?

I feel like I'm some kind of creature.

Okay. I don't feel like I'm a human.

Okay. My guess is like...

Like some kind of bear or like a big animal.

I'm Kevin Shilpin.

Something just like very like Midwestern normal. I used

to look completely different.

Who?

Tommy Shrigley?

Tommy Shrigley. That's really good.

Holy shit. Do I look better?

You look like shit.

You got a bunch of shit on you.

Sometimes you find $100 ,000.

Have you found $100 ,000 more than once?

Yeah. How many times?

Six times.

You found $100 ,000 six times? Yeah. One of them was mine.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Five of those times, that $100 ,000 that you found was yours.

Well, as always, I guess one of the times I dropped it and then found it

I see. So one time you dropped it and found it again. What about the other

times? Random.

Random? Random.

It was once in the park. Once in the same park.

Once was, I guess, at the other end of the park.

And then, I guess they were all at the park.

Man, so you are just one lucky guy, I guess.

That's the power of positivity. That's the power of believing in yourself.

I can't say ass.

Fuck. What?

Hold on. Is this live?

Stop it.

Turn it off.

Turn it off.

We're going again.

I don't fucking care.

Is your head up your ass?

I am very interested in seeing how they're going to handle my hair and

beard and if that will play a part in it. I mean, I guess you could make a

cap out of this. It would, I guess, raise my forehead by like two inches.

it's possible. When I'm going outside, am I only using Uber Eats these days?

It's a question I have. I feel like I could wander around as is, though.

I don't think anyone would be too upset to see someone like this. Everyone looks

at me and they think you've gone too far, but I think I have not gone far

enough.

When I was working at a box office, I scrolled through names and I found

somebody named Avery Goodman. And I was like, a very good man is what your name

is? I don't know what that is.

And that's why I ran for government. And, you know, it seems to be quite

a landslide victory of 90%, maybe 98, 99. I wasn't counting fully after the

Yeah, and that mass casualty event in the city, which wiped out a large

of... It seems like voters that didn't vote for you, correct? Yeah, and, you

know, that is just, well, that's one of the things that I want to fix.

Obviously, the fact that the water system was so vulnerable to poison.

Absolutely. And the fact that you're paying such close attention really shows

that you deserve to be in government. I mean that. I voted for you. Oh, I'm glad

that you did. I voted twice for you. Oh, you better have, because I would have

been very upset otherwise. Oh, would you have?

What would you have done?

We're just playful here, aren't we? Just like old friends, you know?

Fun. I love him.

I'm so sorry. This never happens. I'm very professional. Oh, I know. And

that's why I love this show. That sort of professionalism and the ability to

speak to a large audience of very many people in this specific city and get

to listen to you. That is the things I love. I'm just blacking out for minutes

at a time. And then I wake up and I'm like, how did I get here? I'm like, how

did I get here?

I feel that sometimes. But usually it's just a short circuit.

Action.

Hi. How are you? I'm good. Good to meet you. I'm terrified.

I'm Bruce. I'm Oscar.

How are you?

There's a person on each of my eyebrows.

Are you serious?

Yeah, that is not a sensation I've ever had before.

No. We're the brothers who are going to teach you how to dance.

I have two more words for you. Is that all right? Two.

Squeegee. Huh?

Squeegee? Huh? That's the word. Oh, I see.

Orgasm. Huh?

That one also, huh?

Huh? Is that the answer?

Huh? I feel like you two have really opened my mind.

We're talking about the mattress.

Casper mattress. And were you also talking about Casper mattress?

Oh, so comfortable.

Okay, so well, not on this show. We are actually sponsored by...

You can't think of another mattress.

Yes, I can.

On this show, we are sponsored by Good Feeling Mattress.

They haven't paid us yet to come up with that. It's not fake.

Let's see. Let's see the logo. Well, the logo's not ready.

It's not ready.

What's the jingle?

Good Feeling Mattress. And you can't use that because actually it's copyrighted.

You're never going to get your money.

We have a game for you.

We're going to say a word and you tell us what that makes you think of. Here we

go. You.

Interviewer.

I really have more words for you. We have more words for you.

Stepdaughter.

Fine.

Fascinating. Your wedding night.

Boring.

Sex.

Boring. Have you been touching every time?

Boring.

Have you been feeling at all?

I have been feeling. That's your problem. Boring.

That's the problem.

Oh, here's a word.

Excitement.

Coffee.

Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Let's talk about coffee. Coffee, yes.

Really, I should be the one doing the interviewing.

Smell it.

Okay. Just.

Hey, smell, smell, smell.

Tell me how you feel when you smell the coffee. Tell me how you feel when you

smell the coffee. Fun.

I feel fun. All right, please take your seats. All right, I feel fun.

Let's throw your stepdaughter to the ocean, huh? I can't wait.

She's a nightmare, but people think she's nice, so I have to be quiet.

Actually, on my way to...

audition to be a background character at the Little Mermaid ride and Disney

World as well, you know, because they'll move on.

I love that.

They serve a lot of fish. I think that's messed up.

And when did Dylan go to jail, if you don't mind me asking? I'm not allowed to

say. I feel like that would be public record, would it not?

Not in this jail.

Do you know what jail he's in?

No. Lynn, I hate to be the one to tell you this. I think he...

Might have ghosted you.

What do you mean? He said he's in jail, but he's not allowed to tell you what

jail it is. And he's not allowed to tell you when he went. And actually, you

can't contact him anymore.

Yeah, but no, mine is real. Look it up. I mean, I don't know how many men are

telling you that they went to jail. So many. Yeah, a lot.

More than I can count. I think they're doing to you what you're saying they're

doing to me. But they're actually doing it to you. I'm actually happily married

now with a stepdaughter.

Okay. I don't take liquids.

You don't take liquids at all? I don't do liquids. How do you get water?

We have a natural store of liquid.

So you don't have to put in more?

You were born with all the liquids you need for the rest of your life? Yeah.

You're a doctor. You should know that. I'm not a doctor.

You look like one. I'm a reporter.

You go to Starbucks with bad grandpa.

I ate all their cake pops.

You ate all of their cake pops? And after a certain amount.

They are not digestible. You reach the limit.

Sort of like some people that eat too much vitamin C or something like that.

Yeah. Okay. How old is your husband?

He's in his 40s. Younger than you. Have you worn makeup before?

Well, I'm wearing makeup right now, actually. It's sort of why my... Other

you know, me putting it on you.

No, I mean, you're putting makeup on top of a little bit of makeup. Shout out to

my team. You have makeup on underneath.

Right now? Yeah. A little bit.

Really?

Yeah, I was in the chair for 45 minutes.

I don't not look like my

uncle. Hey, stop running.

I shot the entire thing on IMAX film.

And they cut the whole thing.

They cut the whole thing.

You what?

Someone came and walked with me and they said that they were an emperor.

Right.

Anyway, I'm sorry about my mom.

She was the kind of mom who would put an apple in your mouth and put you in the

oven.

So you're saying your mom would...

Put an apple in an apple.

Are we keeping that?

Keep that.

And how many people are there right now that want to join you? It's a lot.

It's a lot. Ballpark number?

Four. Okay. Say it with me.

Billie Eilish.

That got further away. Can we do that one more time?

It's our house destroyed. Yeah. Brick house destroyed. No.

It's okay. You're here to interview me.

The straw house was destroyed.

The stick house was destroyed. My mom was squished.

What? Hi.

Oh, my God.

Hi. Do you want to say, is this too much? We just let the dog go? Oh.

Hello. Okay.

Hi. Over here.

Good evening.

You're not going to get your day ring unless you come on set.

Is the dog eating your finger? Yes.

Do you want to? I love it. You do?

Yeah. Okay.

Problem solved. Look at that.

You have a big chunk of your finger gone.

It's fine.

Yeah, okay.

So it sounds like a fairytale ending for you, your sisters, and Garbage Dog.

I will.

My Uber's here.

Okay, well, have fun walking.

Your eyes are uncanny. Okay.

I do not want to see you wielding a ruler.

Really excited to do, like, The Haunted House. Last year we did The Incredibles,

and the kids didn't like it as much.

It's the Elizabeth Holmes through the boys. We will be able to test your

Your blood with a single drop of a theranos machine. I mean, we brought

people into our booth constantly. People asking questions.

What are you doing here?

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Stay away from my son.

Stay away from my son?

Why would they be saying that?

Of course, because I just maybe slipped them some literature.

What kind of literature?

You know, the sort of books that any child should be exposed to. Does it

to be the book that you're writing?

We can go ahead and take a look there.

Yes. Darkness visible, freeing the darkness within that the light tries to

Darkness visible. Colon, freeing the darkness inside that the light tries to

hide.

He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. Well, that's

similar. He knows if you've been bad or good.

So be bad for badness' sake.

Okay, so that is where we deviate a little bit. That's where it sort of

off. Can I ask, so we have for Christmas and you have, we have St. Nick, you

have Krampus.

What about Valentine's Day? What does Valentine's Day look like? You know

couples who...

Kind of look like each other. Sure.

Kind of doubling down on that and how uncomfortable that makes the rest of the

world. I like that, actually.

I think that's fun.

Fins to the left, fins to the right, wasted away again in Margaritaville.

Changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes, changes is the only constant.

These are the lessons of Jimmy Buffett.

all is change.

Step up into Buffett's realm and you will learn that only you may change your

attitude and latitude with the guidance of dark forces if you choose to call

upon them.

Hail Buffett!

Hail Buffett!

Buffett's sort of a demigod in your... He has been added to the pantheon when

all kicked out of heaven.

Kicked out of heaven. That was incredible. Now, that was great. Yeah.

does this power extend?

Why, around the world, of course.

Wow.

Now I want to hear all my second grader doing that terrible twos. Let me get a

root, root, root, root.

Let chaos reign.

Yeah, kids, let that negative energy just bubble up from the bottom. Let's do

all together. Bubble up from the bottom. I'm feeling the vapors of hell in my

belly, and I let them out. Yeah.

I love you, Medusa Middle School. You guys are the best. You really are, okay?

Test scores are through the roof.

Love you.

The cool part about this level of exhaustion is you can't be afraid. I

have a demon pop out of the shadow and try to kill me, and I would use all of

energy to move out of the way totally expressively.

So whatever happens, I am a pliable lump of clay.

You look beautiful, sweetie.

So do you.

Oh, they put a bunch of chemical gel on my torso so that I don't sweat.

And that's not a bit.

That's real science.

So who the fuck is this guy?

Jesus. Fresh brewed. I do it at McDonald's temperature.

Who? Green lawsuit. McDonald's? Who? You wouldn't know. He's alive!

Okay. Ogbert?

So salty.

Yeah. Really bad.

It can't be good, and you've drunken so much of it. Yeah.

Name the last time someone was like, let's read poems.

A wedding.

Really? Inauguration.

Oh, yeah. To children. A lot of times in books.

Yeah, that's a good point. Well, in this case, it's literal.

What is that? I think if we don't get paid, we all walk out of here. Who's

me? I have my check. No one said yes.

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What up, fam? Katie McHale is coming to you from sunny Miami, Florida. Today we

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That's right.

Whip out your blenders because it's time to not only get healthy but have fun

doing it. Hey, guys. Katie here talking all about the incredible city of Hanoi.

I am here with my fiancé, Rick. Hi, Rick. And we are so excited to bring all

the culture, wonder, and cuisine of this incredible city. Now, this is my first

time traveling abroad.

And let me tell you something. I didn't know that it was different times,

different places in the world. When it's sun somewhere, it's night night

somewhere else. So follow me, and I'll talk to you all about balls and how the

world is one. Let's go.

Hi, America.

It's Sunday night football, and Daddy's angry.

He wants a snack, and he wants you to bring it to him. And if he doesn't, who

knows where he'll go?

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America's... And now I've got it in my head a different way.

This is a nightmare.

I am done. I turned down a job at an

office for this, so... And cut!

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