Original subtitles

Good evening, it's wonderful to be back with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

Indeed it is, and in a packed programme tonight, I shall be talking to members

of the Special Patrol Group of the Society for Psychic Research, who rushed

London today to investigate the unexplained sighting of a porter at

Station.

And I'll be introducing you to the Brazilian coffee millionaire who's built

house in his own grounds.

But first, the news.

The Minister of Defence is to investigate allegations about a recent

which members of both the Parachute Regiment and the Women's Royal Army

were given medals.

Apparently it got rather out of hand and turned into a bit of a gong -bong.

In America, a Congressional Committee of Inquiry has been appointed to

investigate recent claims that convicted criminals lead lives of luxury.

This follows the recent case of an Albuquerque man who was sentenced to the

electric sofa.

Police have stepped up the search for Laxley Druitt, the Member of Parliament

who's gone off his chump.

They fear that in his present state of mind, he might do something sensible.

There was swift justice today for the Bridlington man accused of impersonating

truck.

He was bound under for 14 days.

Motoring news. Following the success of The Talking Maestro, next week sees the

launch of a new car that tells jokes.

It's called the Laughing Cavalier.

And fears that the increase in the numbers of burglaries might damage the

national economy were confirmed today, when the pound fell six points against

the stolen video.

But now for a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Barker, a man with such amazing

reserves of stamina, he once stayed awake all the way through a Paul Daniels

trick.

the beef bourguignon.

Who don't? He don't. There's only one geezer in there. He says it's tasteless,

lumpy and cold, he says.

Oh, you mean he's not very keen on it? No.

Oh, well, we can't have that. We'll have to see what we can do about that, won't

we, Alphonse? We will indeed, Chef, yeah. Right, I'll tell you what we do.

See if you can find them Brussels sprouts we had left over from yesterday.

Oh, I like it, I like it. Brussels sprouts.

Where are the Brussels sprouts at?

Right, stick them in here. Yeah, we'll do it. Yes, yes.

That's right.

Right, there we are. Now then, bit of mustard.

Ah, you must have read my thoughts, Chef. Yeah, just a soup salt.

He said it was a bit cold, didn't he? Yeah, he did. He won't say that again,

will he?

Not much else for that matter, I don't suppose. No, he won't. Any other

complaints, did he? Yeah, he wasn't over -chuffed about the meat.

He said it was horse.

A horse?

What does he think this is, the Ritz?

I know. And he said he only had one lump. Oh, did he? Oh, well, we'll give

another lump. There we are. Oh, yes. That's a good idea. That's the idea.

His gain will be Tittle's loss.

She didn't reckon it much anyway, did she? No, she didn't. Well, she had

that cat, didn't she?

All you can say for the customer, that's what I would say. That's right. And be

that dodgy bit of tripe over there, would you? Oh, yeah.

If it'll stay still long enough.

Alan, surely?

No, perish at all. Perish at all.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I don't know. No, why not?

Nothing's too good for our valued patron. That's it.

He still lacks a bit of something. He's a bit thin, isn't he?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. Here you are.

I'll give him one of these.

That's the idea.

That's it.

That's it.

Right. Listen. Listen. Listen.

What's that?

A blue bottle? A blue bottle in my kitchen?

Hasn't it read the hygiene regulations?

Where is it?

Well

caught,

well caught, Alphonse.

Can't say there's no body in it now, can you?

Extra protein at no extra cost.

We aim to please, don't we, Alphonse? Indeed. Do you know what he had the

temerity to suggest?

What? That the plate was dirty.

Oh, did he? Oh, lackaday and lamentations. Well, I'll fix that.

Yes. I'll fix that.

That's right, that's it. There we are. Now he can see his face in it. I told

that Egon Ronnie often passes this restaurant. I told him that distinctly.

He told me to put a sock in it, he said.

A sock? Yeah, put a sock in it. The man must be psyched. Yeah.

It can't be clean, never mind.

No, no. It's the next best thing, isn't it? Extra content of high fibre. That's

right, yes. Now, we'll give him a dollop of this here. Yes, that's right. Like

that, see? That's it. There we are.

Some of that and some of that. Now, you take this round.

Yes. To our lovely gourmet friend.

Yes. That's right. See what he thinks of that, all right? I'll do that, yes.

There you go. Right.

Hey, hang on, hang on. You haven't got your thumb in it.

Oh, what I never learned, Chef. Is that better?

That's lovely.

That's it.

Tell him, give him the compliments of the house, and tell him if there's

anything else we can do, we'll do it all over him.

Would you believe it? What? He's gone.

Gone? Yeah. After me slaving my fingers to the bone? I know. What a flaming

liberty. Still, still good to play.

Please welcome this week's guest, ladies and gentlemen, Stephanie Lawrence.

Think about me and you.

Think of all the changes we've been through.

The times get hard strong

and it will

This time we were through The passion was in pain My

heart had changed Then in the morning light

And it will rock.

by people not being very well.

The fact is we simply don't get enough exercise. How about a gruelling 75 -mile

hike across the moors?

Personally, I like nothing better.

So every Saturday morning, that's exactly what I do. Nothing.

Now, I had a letter from a viewer in Peebles who writes, how can I get a body

like Jane Fonda's? Well, Mr. Dinsley, you won't get it overnight.

Certainly not with Jane Fonda, you won't, will you?

But thanks to the revolution of aerobics, it is possible for... That is

down to a shapely hourglass figure.

Here we are.

Look at that.

It's all right if you like that sort of thing.

Of course, since then, I've managed to put it back on.

Much to the relief of my wife. Now, here is something.

Here is something to exercise your stomach muscles.

A BBC cheese and chutney sandwich.

That reminds me, I must clean out the budges cage when I get home.

But remember, too much exercise can bring problems. A few weeks ago, my

secretary, Miss Tumbleton, had the misfortune to overdo it with the chest

expanders. She went sunbathing topless on Brighton Beach and everyone asked

who'd moved the pavilion.

Eventually, she was asked to cover up her minarets.

To compensate, the next day she went jogging.

Came back with two black eyes.

a heavy sweater, such as Eamon Andrews.

How can we cut down on calories in our food? One simple tip is to put a brick

your steak and kidney pie.

The British Rail have been doing that for years.

Try to cut down on fats. Now here is a plate of ordinary fish fingers with the

batter removed.

Oh no, sorry, that's the new cholesterol -free cheese omelette, I'm sorry.

Another tip, in future try... cooking your fried eggs in sunflower oil. They

delicious. There we are.

There's one.

Now, over here is my assistant, Miss Willits, and she has the recommended

breakfast for swimmers.

There we are.

One glass of fruit juice, one ounce of cottage cheese, and two crackers.

Breakfast in bed can be fun. So, which are the foods that are bad for you?

the simple answer is all of them.

All food is extremely harmful, and the only way to stay really healthy is not

eat anything at all.

Or the F .A. Plan diet, as we call it.

Cyril Smith has been on this diet now for two weeks.

Yesterday, I asked him how he found it, to which he replied with a mirror on a

stick.

But, of course, he was in a bad mood because he'd just shaved off some

hair around his navel.

and got booked for having a bald spare tyre.

But, of course, some foods are much worse for you than others. A report out

today shows that pork sausages can be a considerable health hazard, particularly

to pigs, of course.

So, in future, they will all carry this government health warning.

Doctors think twice before eating a pork sausage.

Certainly in Golders Green they do, anyway.

If you want to find out how to lose 11 pounds in one week, just write off now

for my special booklet, enclosing 11 pounds.

It's a general rule of thumb only, things that taste absolutely disgusting.

more disgusting the taste, the better something is for you. The exception, of

course, being Bernard Manning.

So, finally, to sum up, take more fibre and more exercise and start every

morning like I do, with three plates of Orban and a quick 100 -metre dash. Good

health!

I say, Humphrey, what is it, Godfrey? You don't mind if I smoke my pipe, do

Not if you don't mind my being sick, old chap.

Oh, that's all right.

Good God, that's a rather highly coloured sock you're wearing there, old

isn't it? Wonderful, isn't it? Fantastic colouring. Hand -knitted in the Congo,

you know.

Not another like it in England.

I bet you a fiver there is, old chap.

Done, right. Where is it? On your other leg.

Cycling, sir. Your daughter's bought a bicycle, has she?

Yeah, she loves it. It goes everywhere on it. Really? Well, she's a farmer's

wife. I thought the money would be better spent on a cow, wouldn't it?

look a bit of a fool riding round on a cow.

Yeah. Not half as much a fool as she'd look trying to milk a bicycle.

Hello there.

Hello, old boy. I say, it's rather crowded, wasn't it? Very crowded.

Very, very difficult to have a conversation without feeling someone is

overhearing one. Oh, I've solved all that. Oh, really?

Oh, yes. I've invented aristocratic rhyming slang.

Oh, really? A -R -S for short.

It doesn't sound very...

How does it actually work? Oh, it's simple, old boy. You see, you have the

school ties here. You have the Mary Rose. You have the Lords and Peers.

And you have the old... Audley Street South. Very good. And you've got the

little... Pink gin. Pink gin. Absolutely.

Got it in one, yes.

And then when you leap into your car, you see, you grab hold of the Lord Privy

Seal and you press the old Knight of the Garter. What?

No, I'm sorry, I don't follow that.

Well, Lord Privy Seal wheeled Knight of the Garter's starter.

You see what I mean?

Sorry, I've been frightfully favel row over that. Yes, you weren't exactly on

the Royal Albert Hall, were you?

Once one gets the hang of it, it's not at all Grenadier Garter. Oh, no.

No, it's absolutely simple. And the beauty of it is, you see, you can talk

anyone without anyone knowing what the artesian well you're talking about is.

It was St. James's Park. Oh, it is, absolutely. Why don't we have a little

about the jerseys? The jerseys?

Girls, oh, girls.

Oh, jersey cows.

No, no.

Jerseys and pearls, oh, boy.

A jersey cow. Oh, I don't know, perhaps you're right.

You have to raise your Rolls Royce a little. I can't hear above the Henley

regatta. I know, it is a bit like... I say, she's a bit on the centre court

side, isn't she?

Now, she's much too huntball.

Oh, yes, absolutely. My, Joe, what a magnificent upper crust.

And that one's coming out. Really? I didn't know that.

It's out to it. Yes, it's out to it, yes.

I say, you see this one? The one with the string of marquis and earls round

neck. Oh, she's delightful. The proper little Lucinda Pryor Palmer she is. I

mean, she's got a wonderful little anchovy paste, hasn't she? And a

pair of plover's eggs.

Rather a nice pedigree chum as well.

What about this girl in the corner? Oh, that one over there, she looks three

parts amethyst to me.

She is a real Park Lane in the Knightsbridge underpass.

I see. Here she comes again. Look.

Looking for more booze?

She'll lose her Richmond and Twickers before the night's out.

What about that yachting chap over there? Well, the one with the pink

and the rather fancy castle moat? Yes. Do you think he's, um... What, Richmond,

dear? Almost certainly, yes.

What about a little more Harrods hampers? Well, just a daddy's yacht.

we are. What do you think of the pheasant and grouse?

Well, this room's all right. I think the rest of the place isn't a bit of a

Buckingham gate.

Yes, it is a bit, really.

Apparently, he is something in Katie Boyle. I remember last year when Camilla

smoked a point -to -point, rushed upstairs and was immediately sick in the

Fortnum & Mason.

And poor old Gwendolyn slipped at the top of the stairs, went for a right road

in and girt and all the way down the stairs, landed flat on her children's

nanny.

the wife, otherwise she'll be in a proper buck's fist.

Yes, I must dash to the Cambridge Blue. I'm dying for a shore and by sea.

Three dogs, seven horses and a wife.

Oh Mary, the voices are calling.

They're calling and telling me to go.

But before I set out on my journey, there's one thing that

I gotta know.

Do they play country music in heaven?

Are there still four square beats to a bar?

Can I find a backing group among the angels?

Can I swap my plucking harp for a guitar?

Cause I can't, I just can't leave my music.

It's the thing that has served me so well.

So if I can't... Play my music in heaven I'll go play my

music in hell And with that he lay back on his pillow

With a sad dreamy look in his eye And his soul

saddled up and departed For that pearly stockade in the sky

And there stood St. Peter waiting

That big rhinestone gate But before I go in Said the singer

Said Peter I must know my fate Do they play

country music in heaven Are there still four square beats to a bar

Can I find a backing group among the angels Can I swap my

plucking heart for a guitar

Cause I can't, I just can't leave my music.

It's the thing that has served me so well.

So if I can't play my music in heaven, I'll go play my

music in hell.

Come inside now, said Peter, and rest you.

Change out of them dirty old things.

Try these breeches of snowy white buckskin.

And this waistcoat with slits for your wings.

Yes, you can play your music in heaven.

And your guitar is safe in your hands.

There is no room in hell for a singer.

Because it's too full of rock and roll bands.

So he played country music in heaven.

And there were four square feet to the bar.

And he found a backing group among the angels.

And he swapped his plunking harp for a guitar.

I say, Humphrey.

What is it, Godfrey? It says here, a firm bust in four weeks.

Well, that's nothing. My brother's firm went bust in a fortnight.

No, no, no.

It's an advert for women.

Well, don't answer it, old chap. You've got one.

Talking of women, have you seen the new maid in the bar?

Yes, I have. I've seen better legs on a piano.

And with a piano, you'll get one extra.

Bit of a gold digger, too, you know.

Really? Yes, oh, yes.

I can read women like a book. What system do you use?

Braille.

The problem with life is, you know, when you're young, you can't afford women,

and by the time you've got money to burn, the fire's gone out.

Like my brother.

He still chases his secretaries around the desk, but he can't remember why.

Good evening, Arthur.

Good evening, Arthur.

You're early.

Yes, me house is on fire.

Oh, dear.

Have you rung up the... fire brigade.

No, I'm going to wait till six, get the cheap rate.

How are you going to have? A pint a mile?

Oh, no, I'm on halves these days.

I'll have two.

Oh.

Hey, your picture's upside down.

I know, it's a Turner.

Oh.

We've got a Beethoven at home.

Well, he's a musician.

I know, it's a rotten picture.

Do you know what Beethoven's last words were?

Pardon? That's right.

Oven -ready canary you've got there.

No, no, do you want to buy it?

Why, what's wrong with it? It's got three legs, look.

How much?

Two quid a leg.

Oh, no, I've only got five, Pete. I've got change.

That could be a rat, you know, Arthur.

I thought you said it was an oven -ready turkey.

No, no, I mean that noise in the cupboard there. Oh, don't worry about

That's been going on there since last Christmas. Oh, has it? Oh, talking of

Christmas, do you know Bert?

husband up to a point. Oh, what point was that? The point when he ran off with

the bridesmaid while his bride was signing the register.

Well, that's marriage, isn't it, Arthur, eh?

It's my silver divorce next Tuesday, you know.

Oh, well, I wish you good health.

Cheers. Tell me, what day of the week does Good Friday fall on?

Well, it fell on a Thursday this year.

So did my dog, you know. Oh, yeah.

He was a grand little fella. No, he was. He just used to throw the stick and

say, fetch Morris.

Yeah, did he fetch it? Yeah. No.

Why not? Well, he wasn't called Morris, you see.

He was named Stanley.

After the footballer, you know. What, Stanley Matthews? No, John McEnroe.

John McEnroe don't play football. Well, neither did the dog, did he?

It won't open, though.

No, it's bank holiday.

Oh, that's right. Nothing opens bank holiday, does it? No.

Could be dry rot, you know.

We had a woodworm once, but it died.

Oh, really? What of?

It was drowned in the rising damp.

Somebody told me a funny story the other night. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was Christmas

Eve, and the shepherd was on the hillside, you see, and he was just, he

um... Oh, uh, what do you do to a sheep?

Eardick. Oh, I can't very tell you then.

Listen, why don't you unlock the cupboard?

Well, I can't find the key.

Well, maybe it's inside.

Well, have a look then. All right.

Oh, look at that now. It's old Bert.

He's been in there since last year. Yeah. I'd better take him home. He'll be

missed. As a newt.

Thank you, Emma. I know what you're thinking.

I know what you're thinking.

That's the first time I've seen a garden mole wearing glasses.

And who left that SAS action man in the chair?

No, it is pathetic, isn't it? You know, a comedian of my enormous stature, you

know.

Do I hear sniggers sometimes about the word comedian? No.

No, that is what I am.

But to be honest, my wife has made me put this on because I have a small cold.

A small cold what? You're all out.

No, no, she was very insistent that I should wrap up.

Or was that the producer? I can't remember.

Anyway, it is fair enough, I suppose, because I do seem to attract all manner

ailments these days. Only a few weeks ago, my hush puppies caught distemper.

And I was always very sickly as a child, especially with my thighs.

As a baby, I was so small, I could only have one measle at a time.

And sniffly noses do run in our family.

Now, my old Uncle Herbert, for instance, has a lot of trouble breathing these

days. He's dead.

No, he's not, no.

That is just a story he puts about to get sympathy.

It's understandable my wife worries, because it does get very nippy here at

BBC.

Only this morning the producer's secretary said she was going away to get

jumper to warm her up.

Two hours later we found her in a broom cupboard with Davy Thompson.

So my wife was very firm about it. Put your woolly blala clava on, she said,

and stay out of drafts. She said, if you take that off, she said, I will never

speak to you again.

That's the best offer I've had all week.

No, the fact is that my wife has been rather moody just lately.

For one thing, the house is in rather a state.

In fact, our carpets are so filthy, the vacuum cleaner's developed a hernia.

We've been having a lot of trouble fixing up her driving insurance as well.

never an easy job.

The day she passed the test, Lloyds of London sounded the lutein bell.

Personally, I think she was wrong.

taking lessons from her brother -in -law. He used to drive a muck spreader.

He was Nigel Dempster's chauffeur.

Quite a good point there. The other night, I woke up at three o 'clock in

morning, and there she was, my wife, just standing there, gazing mournfully

through the window, just like that.

Just gazing.

She looked so sad.

Eventually, I had to get up and let her in.

No, I know.

I know why she's upset. We had a little tiff about how to redo our

front garden.

I wanted a nice lawn with all the little ornaments, and she wanted crazy paving.

In the end, we reached a compromise and had the garden gnome certified.

It's actually amazing that our marriage has survived at all when I think

everything she's had to put up with over the years.

Like the time on our honeymoon when I had to be given a bump start.

We were driving round the continent and the car broke down. Please.

You are awful, you lot. Honestly.

I should have known better, really. I'd just bought one of those cheap, tinny

French cars with the ring pool sunroof.

And I'll never forget the awful boarding house we stayed in. My goodness, pokey.

It was so small, they cleaned the windows with Optrex.

But I digress.

On to tonight's story, which actually really truly did happen at our last end

-of -series party. After the last show in every series,

party up in the bar the producer was leaving and we wanted to give him a

so we bought him a private helicopter and i say private helicopter it was more

sort of you know very primitive kind of you know auto gyro thing you know let's

be honest it was magnus pike in a bucket and as he's As

he spoke to me, the producer, as the producer spoke, a tear bedimmed his eye.

Ronnie, he said, today is the birthday of my dear old Irish mother. How I wish

could hear that song, he said. She used to sing to me as a child.

Paddy me boy.

Just for old time's sake.

And it was the first time I've seen him cry since someone cracked the

combination lock in his wallet.

I don't mind saying I was deeply touched.

I was deeply touched.

There you are. I told you I didn't mind saying it.

Because I have known our old producer for many years.

I mean, he, to be honest, plucked me from obscurity when I was still doing

-ons for Magic Roundabout.

That was about the time when Zebedee had been a little bit naughty.

You know what I mean? And we'd just all heard that Florence was expecting a

spring baby.

I thought there must be something I can do here for the dear old producer. So I

went into the corridor out to have a think. And who should I bump into in the

corridor getting into a lift but Joe Loss and the orchestra.

carrying their instruments. So I rushed over to Joe. I said, look, before you go

home, a great favour. You'd think your boys would come into the bar and play a

few verses of Paddy Me Boy for our producers, you see.

It's his mother's birthday and it would mean the world to him. So he said, of

course, of course, we'll only be two, please. So they all trooped back into

bar and took their positions, ready to play. Then one of the band pipes up. He

says, just a minute, Joe. He says, Paddy Me Boy, Paddy Me... How does that go?

And Joe Ross said, well, don't ask me. I thought you all knew, he said. The chap

said, well, I don't know. I'd never heard of it.

Whereupon it transpires that no one in the orchestra, not even Bertie on the

drums, not even Bertie on the drums, had heard

of the song, Paddy Me Boy. So to cut a long story short, the producer is called

over. Joe Ross says, look, it's very embarrassing.

He said, the band here would love to play you a song. Mother used to sing to

you, but none of us seemed to know it.

This Paddy Me Boy. How does it go?

I said, oh, he said, it goes like this. He goes, Paddy Me Boy, is that the

jackanoo?

Thank you.

you

Well, that seems to be just about all we have time for tonight, doesn't it,

Ronnie? Yes, indeed it does.

But before we go, a few late items.

Bad news tonight concerning missing gang leader and drag artist Sylvan Velour.

Apparently he's been found at the bottom of the Thames wearing a pair of

concrete slingbacks.

This afternoon, Mr Cyril Smith sat on an all -party Commons committee.

They hope to be back at work on Sunday.

And in today's Swiss skiing championships, Rolf Schneiderhaus

remarkable double. He won the men's downhill in 57 seconds, sat on the sharp

of his ski stick and won the uphill in 56 seconds.

Claims that animals can develop the characteristics of their owners was

confirmed today when a racehorse belonging to Clement Freud was

boring.

Finally, the BBC announced... tonight that as a special tribute to Selwyn

Wedgley, the film world's leading understudy, the BBC will be showing a

season of everybody else's films.

How true, how true.

In next week's programme, we shall be meeting breakfast TV astrologist Russell

Grant, who consulted his prune stones at lunchtime today and decided not to

tinker with his tailor but soldier on till he met a sailor.

Until then, it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0