Original subtitles

Good evening. It's wonderful to be back with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

Indeed it is. And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be looking at the

newest craze to sweep the novelty shops of Soho.

It's a pink plastic alarm clock, which is guaranteed to give you a rude

awakening.

And we had hoped to bring to the studio one of Britain's leading scientists, but

he's just phoned in to tell us he's on the verge of something big.

He's broken down on the M1.

At Prime Minister's question time today, Mrs. Thatcher vehemently denied that

the Treasury was in any way underestimating the inflation rate. Then

four -and -a -half bus home for 20 winks at No. 5 Downing Street.

Industrial news, and a shock announcement today that Britain's

manufacturers of dog biscuits has had to call in the official retriever.

And the management of the New London Theatre apologised tonight for the non

-appearance of the male lead in this afternoon's matinee of Cats.

He'd locked himself in the litter tray.

And the BBC has apologised for tonight's mix -up on Radio 3 when listeners heard

Beethoven's Fifth Symphony backwards.

Apparently, Andre Previn got hold of the wrong end of the stick entirely.

And now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, who, when he was a boy, had to

have his conker string start so he could play it upwards.

Your Honor, sir, in what way can I help you? Detective Inspector Glib of the

Metropolitan Police.

I've been sent here to ask you various questions about several complaints we

have had, and I think you might know what we are talking about. I can't even

begin to guess, sir.

Then let's not beat about the bush, Mr. Putis. It is alleged that on the 12th of

January this year, you did, in your capacity as a licensed taxidermist,

creature that was not in fact dead.

on the same date you did willfully and maliciously stop his wife, Mrs. Smith,

their two sons, Malcolm and Dennis, their next old neighbor, who had popped

for a Tupperware party, the relief milkman, two traffic wardens, and the

Avon representative.

Oh. Four lollipop ladies, three ice cream vendors, Mr. Herbert Beswick, an

employee of the Parks Department, two visiting rabbis, A double glazing

and the Catford Salvation Army.

Yes. Yes? What do you mean, yes?

Well, what's the problem?

What's the problem? You have stuffed and mounted 34 perfectly healthy people

with a perfect right to live and a double glazing salesman.

And you say, what is the problem? Have you ever any idea what premature

can do to the career credentials of a person?

There are not a lot of vacancies for bank tellers these days.

And that is not all, either, Mr. Putis. I don't know what you're talking about.

We have reason to believe that you did also stuff three members of Her

Cabinet.

You can't prove that.

No, unfortunately, we can't.

But if we ever find out which three they are, you will be in very severe

trouble, because the penalties will be as stiff as your victims.

Do you know what you can get for stuffing Mr. Norman Tebbit?

The Queen's Award for Industry, I think.

I don't think you're taking this too seriously, young man. I mean, there's

too much of this thing going on. How would you feel if a perfect stranger

up to you and started ramming... Well, I mean, they're thinking about it. I

mean, how can you do it? How can you do it?

I'll get a grant from the GOC.

from the GLC Arts Committee.

The GLC Arts Committee and its infinite wisdom gives you money for this barbaric

exercise? Yeah, why not? It may just be stuffing people to you, Constable, but

to me and Ken Livingstone, it is a means of vital self -expression.

Self -express... For too long, the art of taxidermy has been stifled as a truly

aesthetic medium by social constraints.

I mean, where's the challenging stuff in dead animals all the time? I want to

probe different areas.

I want to go into life subjects. I want to capture the human essence in one

bold, brash statement for perpetuity.

I mean, this is no challenge to me. This is all hack work. This is to a man of

my sensitive talents. I am a heartache.

You're a flaming... loony.

You look nice stuffed.

You're not lovely stuffed and mounted. You would a mounted policeman.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha,

ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha,

ha, ha. Oh, you gave me all that dodgy information.

Yeah, thanks for setting him up, Percy. Yeah, he really went for it, didn't he?

And you were in there listening all the time.

Well, you know, me and women police constable lodges. She's in the bear over

there.

Just a minute, just a minute.

What do you mean, women police constable lodges in the bear skin?

Well, she's in there. She's inside the bear. I did that bear this morning.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Doris.

Doris, speak to me. Speak to me. Oh, hello, Sergeant.

You know what I'd like to do to you, don't you? Yeah, don't say it. I might

it.

We

welcome

our special Christmas guest, Elton John.

We still sit at different tables And we sleep at different times

And the warm winds in the palm trees Hasn't helped to change

our minds It was the lure of the trough

That I thought might heal the scars Of a love burned out by

silence In a matter of days

And I call the kids on the telephone Say there's something wrong

out here It's July but it's cold as Christmas In the middle

of the year The temperature's up to 95 But

there's a winter love in your mother's eyes Since you melt

To this Caribbean surge But there's a

nice difference on everything And I cannot find the light

With the beauty in the peace we made While the frost in the summertime

And I call the kids on the telephone

Say there's something wrong

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

Greetings. I am one long pong.

One master of all jiu -jitsu.

Trust me.

Confucius say, cold in head, me nip in the air.

Ah, there he is.

Him kamikaze.

Him goikaze.

Too much fried lice, greedy pig.

Me champion hold black belt.

If belt breaks, also hold black braces.

Otherwise trousers fall down and everyone see black bifronts.

And say I saw him big in martial arts.

Me expert at karate.

This means empty hand, like Scotsman on Flag Day.

See hands and feet of one long pong are reefer weapons.

Especially feet.

Because me never change socks.

I put feet in water, make some soft.

Also, sleep with feet out of window.

Wife insists.

That's why me second Dan.

Sometimes called Dan Dan, the dirty old man.

Always fight clean, love all sport.

Kendo, Kung Fu, Judo, Ludo and Cludo.

And fucking conkers.

Sometimes spend all night... Do a workout on mat with Mrs.

She come at me with big stick.

I say, can do? She say, no can do. Got headache.

Her parents bind her feet to keep them small.

Pity I forgot her mouth.

Never mind.

Now I demonstrate.

You watch me smash nuts.

Him sing high song.

This trick, very popular with music lovers.

Because they make Spiderman's record.

Now you say, is trick painful?

No, only if you play record.

This trick, very good for headache.

If you not got one, you soon will have.

me look proper, Charlie.

But me no give him sake, him drink whole bottle.

Now, show you best flow in judo.

Flow.

This flow, she got two very good holds.

She put me on my back many times.

Also pretty good at judo.

Now, me come up behind her.

This give normal girl nasty shock.

But not Flo. She just turn round and give me two chops.

Very good.

Must have butchers down her tunic.

Oh, sweet and sour, eh?

Never mind, I go now.

and cook something else.

Soya dumplings.

I have a good idea.

We have another peak.

This one called Peaking Duck.

Very tasty. That's long.

Sayonara.

Loomy chapels fill the bill. We'll drive the little trains away. They'll shuffle

up along the track.

For Jones the cart. And Jones the creel. It's up the junction.

Up off to Antlend. There's nothing else to do. But ready we'll drive it back.

We'll drive the little trains away. To go in armour, to arms and nails. We've

overtaken lots of snails. But only when we go downhill.

I had downed the line. Hat shouted out, send me aside.

And one of these days we will.

What a boozer driver Evans is. Fifteen pints for his elevens. Half past five at

six and seventy. On his little engine.

Couldn't steam up, couldn't stoke. Backed his boiler daft also.

Down the depot, piston broke. On his little engine.

That Harrods combination's on Monday's hanging.

Pegged them upon signals, confusing me and died.

Those naughty little pink foundations and heart masks hanging round the yards.

Mean whistle through to drivers and hung about to dogs.

When it reached a smashing pace, she used to grease my loco.

So on the sly, I had a try, and she said, I should

cocoa. She said I chased, and did the old

don't dare bit.

A girl so pure, round here I'm sure, must be a real Welsh rabbit.

Each year at my steadford we sing in the chorus. They try to ignore us,

how singing so dire.

So I make rude faces, antennas and vases.

I stand on suitcases, so I can sing higher.

Did my taffy look up in the laffy behind Morgan's taffy? We sing ten

till four.

And he says bravissimo.

Oh, sing fortissimo.

Don't pee onissimo under the door.

I know a girl in Merthyr Tydfil who for 27 quid will snuggle up close and

whisper breathily, but don't tell the missus in Clarnetha.

Heaven ever had a Honda, drove his girlfriend up the Rhonda, where he

kissed and caught her. Now she's in the miners' club.

Yes, our elite crew.

Die flies on the sick. Hope it's a break, dear. Because he, like you, has

nasty bruise and a railway rugby function.

He stood on the line for the 10 to 9 and caught it on the junction.

Hugh is sitting in the loo. It's the homemade beer that they get round here

the boys get Brahms and list with. And Ivor Russell lost his truss on the bus

Arbor Ridge.

but doesn't seem to have turned out that way. An interesting series of old film

clips. And when I say old, do I mean old? Well, I suppose I do, really.

Otherwise, I wouldn't have said it.

Discovered recently behind a stack of toilet rolls in the private loo of the

head of drama, BBC One. Old, faded and cracked. But then who isn't?

Nevertheless, we thought it worthy of an airing. It features Arthur Halliday,

the vagabond lover.

who toured the music halls with one of the first one -man shows ever. So

-called, because that was usually the size of the audience.

A great favourite with the ladies, he was a very upright, forthright and

downright disgusting character who lived to a ripe old age, getting riper as he

got older, until he finally died of drink, women and horses at the age of

He was to have been buried in a pauper's grave, but the pauper rejected, so he

had to have one of his own. Here he is, in his prime, in 1932, singing his most

popular ballad, Life's Highway.

See how it grabs you, and what's more important where.

God is the most gracious.

Like me.

I say, Humphrey, what is it, Godfrey? You see that toe?

chap over there.

Well -dressed, sprightly sort of look. Yes, that's him. Five years ago, he was

destitute, in rags, all due to drink.

Damn cursed drink he is.

Can I see another?

No.

Luckily, he met one of these temperance chappies who told him just to have a

look at where his money was going to.

The rich publican smartly dressed with the sports cars and the... places in the

country while he, the drunkard, was penniless.

All due to man's insatiable desire for alcohol.

And that actually put him on the right road, eh? Oh, absolutely, yes.

Gave up drink completely.

No, no, he bought a pub.

Good

night.

Tonight I'd like to, if I may, to tell you a very funny joke about two American

tourists. It's very, very funny.

By the way, I may fall asleep while I'm telling this joke.

And if I do, just carry on without me, will you? No, I'll tell you why I say

that. It's a bit of a long story, but I was up in the BBC bar this lunchtime.

The producer was putting it away again, and he was lying there.

Proudly boasting to anyone who would listen about this old banger he's got

will turn round on a sixpence.

And to be honest, she does look the type.

Actually, I wouldn't have gone up to the bar at all, but the canteen was shut

again. You know, usual thing.

They were still creosoting the Ravita.

To be honest, the food in there hasn't been much the right home about just

lately. The last time I went in there, I had to take the skin off the custard.

with a tin opener.

Anyway, I was... I was... A few canteen workers in tonight.

Anyway, I was a bit edgy. Well, sort of nervy, you know. I haven't been so

nervous, actually, since the time I found myself in the gents with Shaking

Stevens.

I've just seen that one myself.

So I decided... I think I'll finish on that.

So I decided to go down and see the BBC doctor.

And as I walked in there, there were yellow tablets floating all around the

where he'd left the top off a Valium bottle.

I had a bit of a long wait because earlier in the day he had been giving

acupuncture to some wrestlers.

And he was now busy looking for a needle in giant haystacks.

Anyway, it gave me some very strong tranquilizers, so if I do doze off, or

doze off, you'll know why.

Now, on to this very funny joke.

Actually, to be honest, it is not, you know, that funny, but, well, you know,

just seemed funny, I suppose, when I first heard it a few weeks ago, because

that time I was feeling a little depressed, and it was the day every

dreads. I'd just got... my call -up papers for Celebrity Squares.

I remember it distinctly because it was the day Mrs. Thatcher announced that she

was planning to renegotiate the Ten Commandments.

So she could have Cecil Parkinson back, I suppose.

I'd gone round... I'd gone round that day to see my agent. Now, we've been

together since I started when I used to work at Buckman's as an undercoat.

I used to go on and warm up the audience with a red coat, you see.

Anyway, well, he told me this joke about two American tourists.

Now, unfortunately, we don't know the names.

So for the sake of armour, we'll call them Lil and Abner.

A little bit of bonus information there, you see.

If you don't like the joke, you can admire the improvisation.

So they've come to England and they have just done all the tourist bit. They've

been to Whitehall to see the changing of the guard.

in a London taxi to see the guarding of the change.

And they decide... They decide... I'll wait about for a bit.

They decide that to round it all off, they'll spend a day at the zoo.

So off they go to Regent's Park, and they see all the animals. Well, not they

don't see all the animals, because a lot of them are on flexi time.

Most of the kangaroos commute from home, so they have to leave very early.

But anyway, they see a large number of them. They see the huge Bengal tiger,

only the week before ate his keeper, and is now getting visits from Lord

Longford.

Then, suddenly, the wife says, she says, Hey, Abner, she said, I've got a great

idea, she says.

Let's go see the gorillas.

There'll be a whole heap of fun, she says.

And her husband... It was quite good, that, wasn't it?

There'll be a whole heap of fun. Her husband said, you're right there. We'll

to the apiary and see the gorillas.

So off they go.

Off they go to the monkey house, but when they get there, off go in the...

they get there, the gorillas' cage is completely empty.

They've all gone off to make a documentary on David Attenborough.

I haven't done that.

That would be ridiculous.

So... So the woman goes, and she buttonholes one of the zookeepers, who

to be nearby, fitting a tortoise with a damp course.

She says, hey, where have all these lovely gorillas gone? She says, the

completely empty. So the keepers are.

He says, I'm sorry about that. He says, uh, you can't... Dexterous with the

voices, you've got to admit.

So you...

You come at rather an awkward time, you see, because this is the time of year

when gorillas are a bit, as it were, frisky.

I mean it. And I'm afraid they'll be in that little den at the back there doing,

you know, what gorillas like to do, you see.

As you can see, he says, they've hung a Do Not Disturb sign on the door.

It's worth my life's worth to interrupt them, you see. Oh, the woman says, she

says, oh, heck and dang it, she says, we've come a long way. We've come all

way from Schenectady, she says.

Haven't we, Abner?

It really set my heart in seeing a picture of your little old gorillas

The keeper says, well, he said, I'm sorry, madam. He said, they're otherwise

engaged, and that's that.

Then the woman at the bright idea, she says, hey, I just thought, she said, do

you reckon they'd come out for a bag of nuts?

And the keeper said, well, come on, madam. He said, would you?

This is the strange tale of Archie Barber of 23 ordinary villas,

suburbia.

Doris, look what I've found.

Told you this place probably used to be a dump.

Well, it is a dump.

No, probably a bird.

A real dump.

This letter come from the council, second post.

Oh, yeah, what is that?

They've refused your permission for your extension.

Would you, Adam and Eve? Well, what a stupid load of cancer they are.

Why must they spoil everybody's fun?

A man like me needs an extension.

Sometimes I wish I was 1 ,000 miles away from you.

Where's he gone?

God, I wish he wouldn't smoke them Turkish.

Archie, although he didn't know it, was being whisked through time as well as

space to start a new life in the mysterious East.

Years later, we find him in the fairy tale city of old Baghdad, plying

his honest trade.

Welcome, O wise and sagacious son of Ella. May the moon of plenty shine upon

your daughter.

Be ready Thursday.

So he worked, putting his heart and soul and heel into the business.

Protecting the craft that he had been trained for.

I used to work for Freeman Hardy and Willis.

His name spread throughout the land.

and came to the ears of the caliph himself.

Now, the caliph had very sharp ears.

He also had a beaky nose and terrible feet.

He was therefore delighted when Archibaba placed upon his delicate

pair of shoes as pliable and soft as a mouse's ear.

Archie, too, was indeed a happy man.

he put up a large sign outside his shop announcing his royal patronage.

Sadly, it was this very sign that was to bring about his undoing.

Here, what's your game? Where are we going?

Prison. Prison? Why?

Treason. Treason? For what reason? Your sign outside.

My sign? What's the matter with my...

Three days I've been sitting in here, and they haven't even allowed me one

I know they haven't invented the phone yet, but you thought you might let me

shout out the window.

What are you in for, darling?

I hope we're not going to chop your head off, are we? That would be a waste.

Pity they don't have Mick's cells, isn't it?

I wish he was where you are and you were in here.

I'd be let loose.

I'd be kept on a leash.

Called a riot.

Sorry I got all the smoke.

I thought it was the kebabs arriving for dinner.

You know, they bring them in and cook them at the table.

If you complain, they cook you at the table.

Sometimes I wish I was a thousand miles from here.

Oh, yes, and the next one brought me here on a table.

Next wish I make, I'll be careful what I'm sitting on.

I'd hate to arrive anywhere on a flying toilet.

It would indeed be an inconvenience.

What's the old three wishes bit, is it?

Four.

Four? Why four?

Special offer this week only.

Oh, that's fortunate then.

So I've got two left then, have I?

One. You wish. the girl into your cell.

Oh, yeah. Well, if I've only got one left, my last wish would have to be to

me back home to London. It'd have to be that, I'm afraid.

I regret, Master, that I'm allowed only one voyage through time.

And if I were to take you to London now, you would find a vast area of evil

-smelling rubble.

Oh, like it was during the dustman's strike, you mean.

Well, could have a little time to think about it, because as a matter of fact,

I'm... all that much of a hurry to leave here in a moment.

Time passes, and Archie, knowing he can't escape, settles into a life of

and plenty on his Robinson Crusoe island.

Companions were supplied by the accommodating genie.

Where's Friday?

It's Friday's day off.

I thought Thursday was her day off.

No, Thursday is Tuesday's day off. Oh, is that right, Tuesday?

Of course, a bit of a mix. How are you supposed to be, mate? I'd be Doctor Who,

that's right.

No, you used to be Doctor Who. Now your words will come in.

Oh, I must have got the wrong head on.

Oh, it's all coming back to me now, as the sailor said when he spat into the

wind.

Oh, Dorothy.

Up the yellow brick road.

I could while away the hours conversing with the flowers.

It's another.

Just a minute. The Tardis.

It's my chance to get home, isn't it?

Listen, girls, I'm off. Be nice knowing you.

All the best.

Don't worry, if it don't work out, I'll be back on Friday by Tuesday.

travel through time there was a nail sticking out of the tardis at the back

can travel through anything when his loincloth gets caught on a nail i

nearly had several times well

you can't walk about like that can you hide behind there see if we can get you

some clothes can't you make yourself any smaller i will

I mean, she lives here.

No, she don't. I live here.

Well, I've got to find her. Mrs.

Barber? Ring the police.

There's a box over the road.

How long has that been at it?

Ever since I've lived here. 30 years. 30 years?

I come here in 1985.

30 years ago.

Righto, mate.

Where have you been?

Why have you been so long, Doris? I thought you'd just gone down for a

You've been gone three hours.

Three hours.

The supper's ruined.

Well, that's nothing new, is it?

Come on, get inside.

And so Archie once more picked up the threads of his life.

Except that now he had a newfound friend.

You're really stupid walking about with you as big as this.

Get laughed at in the pub.

Have you really tried to get any smaller?

Indeed, oh, master. It was all my powers, but to no avail.

May Allah forgive the unworthy pig of a servant.

Oh, for God's sake, talk proper. Not all that Easter rubbish.

Right, I squirt.

So that's the story, dear. The wife left me. All I've got now is this great load

of lard.

What a shame.

Can I have another drink, by the by? Mm.

Tom. George, a Bacardi and Coke, please, and two beers.

A pint for me and a gallon for him.

Why can't you wish more wishing?

Well, I lost my bottle, didn't I?

I mean, I got my last wish. I mean, I had that grant. You got what I wanted,

didn't you?

What was that?

Why don't you come back to my place and I'll show you?

You what?

You mean I'm coming all the way home just to have a look at you?

That's about the size of it. It's not 11 foot by 9 foot 6.

Well, that's all we seem to have time for tonight, but before we go, a few

items. Early today, Sir Christy Sotheby, the famous nudist auctioneer, received

an embarrassing injury when his entire collection came under the hammer.

Angry voices were raised at today's mass meeting of the Albert Hall of Britain's

Avon ladies.

It all ended with a right old ding -dong.

Sports news.

Japanese welterweight boxer Aiko Shimbun was defeated yesterday, so he went home

and committed Harry Carpenter.

Next week, we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the Dairy

Council has become a mason and goes round giving his colleagues a secret

milkshake.

In a very frank interview with Mrs. Thatcher, she'll be revealing that she

have a soft spot for Arthur Scargill.

It's the Goodwin Sands.

Until then, it's goodnight from me.

And it's Goodwin Sands from him.

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