Original subtitles

Good evening. It's good to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed it

is. And in a packed program tonight, I shall be talking to the highly

team of free enterprise dustmen who have solved the problem of rubbish disposal

in central London.

They're making three deliveries a week.

And the BBC's head of religious broadcasting will be here to tell us

on information received, he will not now be allowing the Nolan sisters to appear

as the five foolish virgins.

There are only four of them.

We had hoped to bring you the chairman of the slightly deaf society in his

underpants, but he wouldn't hear of such a thing.

So instead we'll be meeting Oswestry housewife Mrs Nellie Gasket, reputedly

world's fussiest woman, who was granted a divorce from her husband today on the

grounds that he clashed with the curtains.

But first, the news.

In Trafalgar Square today, the great anti -pornography rally was cancelled at

the last moment when Mrs Whitehouse refused to mount the rostrum.

Bad, bad news tonight.

for ecologists.

Traffic pollution is now so bad in the west end of London that this afternoon a

nightingale was sick in Berkeley Square.

And now a sketch based on a pantomime in which Mr. Ronnie Corbett plays the back

end of a mouse.

No, it isn't, dear. I haven't had my oats.

Oh, dear.

Tell me, what do you suggest? Have you got any bran flakes or corn krispies or,

you know, really, what do you recommend?

Well, the force is very nice, sir.

Oh, yes, I like a bit of force. Well, don't we?

Yes, now, I mean, anything else at all? Well, we've got fizz, crunch, a muesli

or oak lake nibbles, sir.

I think I have the fizz. One fizz, right. Yes, there we are. That's it.

Have you any...

Packet of flash. Packet of flash. Yes, sir.

Yes.

And some vim. Some vim. Yes, sir. And a vim. There we are. Nice to meet you.

Yes, sir.

Now, furniture polish.

Yes. Have you any spangle? No, sir. I've got shine, whine, whiz, glide, slide,

slip, slap or skid, sir.

I'll have the whiz. The whiz. Yes, sir. The whiz. Now, where have I put the

whiz? Oh, there it is, yes.

And I desperately need a deodorant. Oh, I wouldn't say that's enough.

Have you any stud?

Stud? No, I'm afraid we haven't. No, we've got sting, stiff, sniff, snort,

whoops, wow, and some sailor beware, sir.

I'll have the whoops. The whoops, yes, sir.

One whoops. Yes, sir. Big whoops, sir. Oh, always.

Oh, yes.

Now, insect spray, do you do doom at all? No, I haven't got doom. I've got

zoom, clear the room, squash, squelch or squirt.

I'll have the boom, please. The boom.

Big boom, sir. Oh, always.

Now, some washing powder.

Washing powder, yes. I've got Daz, Bizaz, Omo, Promo, Primo, Pull, Push,

Rinse, Ritzo, Ratso, Rotso and Shred.

I'll have the woosh. The woosh, yes.

There it is. Woosh.

Now, some alcohol -free lager.

Whip, Whistle, Wallop or Windbreaker, sir.

The wallop.

in Wallop, sir? Well, actually, I'm a half pint, ma 'am. Oh, I wouldn't say

that, sir. There we are. Half pint, ma 'am. Thank you very much. Now, some

lemonade? Lemonade, tang, fang, bang, or tinkle juice, sir.

I'll have the bang, please. The bang, yes. Bottle of bang. There we are, sir.

Are we nearly there? We are nearly there, actually. Yes, just two more

first. I want some sauce. Have you any HP?

No. I've got OK, F -A, J -R, fruity, floppy, sloppy, slurp, splosh, or

sir.

I'll have the splatter. One splatter, sir, there. Yes, yes.

And, uh, let me see now. One chocolate bar.

Yes, sir. We've got Crackle, Crush, Crunch, Crash, Cram, Creamy, Steamy,

and Stickmakers.

One Cratch, four Cratch, one Cratch, sir, there we are, sir. Yes, yes, yes.

That's a whiz, then. That is the lot. All right, sir. So that's, uh, Flash,

Fizz, Vim, Whiz, Crash, Bang, Wallop, Whoosh, Whoops, Boom, and Splatter, sir.

Yes, could you say that again, please?

Yes, sir. You've got flash, fizz, vim, whiz, crash, bang, wallop, whoosh,

boom and splatter. That'll be right. Yes, sir. £4 .25, please.

Oh, I'm not buying them.

You what?

No, I just want to hear you say them again. Why, sir? Well, I couldn't afford

any fireworks this year.

May the force call with you.

Russian.

Russian hat.

British hook.

Russian joke.

This time of year, you American capitalists and you imperial British

dogs are thinking of holiday.

Here is a smile of welcome for you here in Russia.

They start with Aeroflot airline and fun begin with a raffle for a seat.

No first class in Russian plane.

Third class, fourth class, pigs.

You arrive at Russian hotel.

All rooms complete.

But please to bring your own towels, soap and plug for wash basin.

Also wash basin.

In Russian hotel there is no bugging.

We do not play silly men who bug.

All propaganda.

However, if you have complaint about Rome, please to speak clearly into hot

water bottle.

Incidentally, in Russia is no speaking clock.

But if you hear knock on the door, it's four o 'clock in the morning.

Moscow, and you wish to venture out to see the changing of the guards at the

Lubyanka prison?

or to Rad Square and the Tomb of the Unknown Tourist.

Oh, please, please to spit on infamous tomb of well -known dissident, you push

-off, accidentally run over by three buses only last week.

Oh, no, sorry, that is next week.

Rub shoulders with our friendly police, KGB, NVD.

Funny way to spell police.

Word of warning.

Some Russian girls will approach you and offer themselves for a bar of soup.

This disgraceful, unsocialist behavior.

Going right to two bars of soup.

Good enough, eh?

Evening, Molotov cocktail hour.

Time for culture.

Bolshoi, I hear you cry.

And we have many theaters.

At Vanessa Redgrave Theater in Ken Livingstone Grad.

There is Russian women athletes, male voice choir.

Oh, they do two -hour concert. If you don't applaud, they do three -hour

concert.

And a note to you men. If when walking across the Red Square you hear Kalinka,

it means it's real brass monkey weather.

So, Janicki. Excuse me.

Dostoevsky.

He was for many good musical shows. At the Bolshoi is Niet, Niet, Naniet.

No longer starring Rudolf Nureyev.

Features Song of the Welgar Boatman, about a man who fell in love with his

shredded wheat.

Also see Donald and Shirley MacLaine in Sound of Mujik.

And Guy Burgess in Poofing Boots.

Russian food is best in the world. Mmm, here, cabbage on toast.

Cabbage sandwich.

And cabbage in the hole.

Here, new conception by our great chef, Vladimir Skopjev.

Cabbage surprise, here.

Surprise, there's no cabbage in it.

British knife. You remember Uri Geller?

Yeah, you cut food from Russia like this.

Vladimir Impossible.

You take home a souvenir of Russia like this Leningrad rock. See? All the way

through it says, Help, I am prisoner in the rock factory.

Just a minute.

The fool has signed it.

But I hear the music of the samovar thumbing up the magic of Russia.

My friends, why not visit us before we visit you?

And not miss it now, Dory.

Longest what, though? You know, since you were planning to move to a more

expensive house.

Oh, that. No, we decided not to move. No, there's no need.

No need? How do you mean?

The council put the rent up. Oh.

If you don't want my love, if you don't want my love,

if you don't want my love, I know

I'll give it to you.

May God have your charm, have them hanging on his

arm, but he won't.

If you don't want my stuff, if you think you...

When you want me, I won't be around.

Like the millions who choose second base.

strand up there on the street. Regis, park your bike inside down there.

There we are.

Bill.

I must say, it's totally weird to see you again.

How on the hill are you?

Oh.

Mustn't grumble. Still getting them pains in me Dawson Junction, you know.

Epic nuisance, eh, huh?

What about Euston?

Oh. Fair lot to Mary Bone, thanks, you know.

Tottenham Hale and Highbury most of the time. What about the missus?

Oh, well... Oh, Dollis Hill, was she?

Oh, no, Chigwell.

Oh, yeah, Chigwell, the old elephant castle.

And your brother -in -law, what's his name?

What, Greenford, you mean?

Oh, Stillbury, yeah.

Oh, is he, yeah. Bit Queensway, is he?

Yeah, Brent is Notting Hill Gate, as a matter of fact.

Makes you a very funny crowd and all, you know.

Oh, yeah, I heard that, yeah. He was going around with the Thayden boys at

time, wasn't he?

They were big fellas, weren't they?

Whopping. Yeah.

Well, it was Islington down about six o 'clock this morning, wasn't it, eh?

Absolutely poor with Rainer's Lane.

Yeah.

Very Wembley Parky out there and all now, you know. Yeah, I know, I know,

Still good for the Covent Garden, isn't it? Yeah. What, all that base water you

mean? Yeah, turn them green, that will, yeah.

I've wanted to dagon them up, the Our Honour's Grove, and plant something

and oxy instead.

What, you know a lot about Kew Gardens, sir? Ah, Vauxhall, as a matter of fact.

What for die streets the matter with you?

Earl's Court up in me hat -chamber, I think.

There we are.

That's Beccantree. Oh, good.

Do you fancy a putney after work down the Angel?

It's more than my Rickman's worth.

It is.

If I slip down the Ainge, I'd very probably end up all tottered to

The Hammersmiths will pay when I get home.

Bit of an old witch, your old lady, you see, eh?

Yeah, mine's just the same. I have to get down on me Hampsteads and Neesons if

want to go for a pimp, they go, you know.

Run a ride than me.

What's this here?

Ah, there we are.

That's it, all get off you.

What for the back you?

Ah, cockfosters.

You left your barbican.

Silly arsehole.

The kidnapped all -girls orchestra are now on board the SS Uganda, bound for

Hong Kong, with their captors, the wily Mr Chang, and the completely nutty Angus

Hook spreading his butler.

Meanwhile... Our two pathetic heroes, Charlie Farley and Piggy Malone, have

lured to a safari park by a gang of hired Chinese thugs and are even now

participating in a sinister game of hide -and -seek that could result in death

for them and dinner for the lions.

Is that thing working?

Yeah. I've had it on all the time.

Listen.

It's more than our chances are. Where are we going to hide?

Hide? Hide? We've got to get to the docks.

Susie and Mrs. Bumson will be there.

The girls are bound for Hong Kong.

Yeah, we've got to dodge this lot first, though, haven't we?

A heavy blow on the back of the head is not my idea of a day out.

Back of the head is not my idea of a day out.

Chill out, man. I'll be back.

Within the hour, Angus will soon be with us, and we are bound for Hong Kong. And

your dream will have come true, Wang Fang Chang.

Yes.

At last, I have my harem.

Each one of us also.

I go to make preparations to get Angus aboard.

You stay here.

Look after my treasure.

His treasures.

Jealous, darling?

Not in the least.

I have other accomplishments.

We both have, dear heart.

While they're playing him a tune, we're leading him a dance.

Who is it?

It's cabin service.

We ordered nothing. We're in rehearsal.

It's flowers to wish you bon voyage.

Hello,

boys. Hello.

Susie, what's happening now?

Do not worry.

What are you after, old man?

Are you?

You followed us halfway around the world and yet you seem somehow familiar.

Yeah, what do you want?

Don't you remember?

You've still got my false teeth.

Yes? Oh, excuse me.

Are you the person I should see about taking out an insurance policy?

Yes, that is right. Come in.

Oh, thank you.

I want to insure myself, you see.

Ah, fine.

Against becoming Jewish.

I'll insure myself against becoming Jewish.

Maximum cover, not too high a premium if possible.

Yes, well, I think you'd better take a seat. Thank you, thank you.

Are you comfortable?

Oh, I'll get by, I'll get by.

Look, while what you suggest is perfectly reasonable in every way, we as

insurers have to satisfy ourselves, you see, that the chance...

of your becoming Jewish is minimized as far as possible. Do you understand?

You mean you think I'm already Jewish?

No, no, no, no. You think I'm Jewish already?

No, no, no, no, no.

Well, if you think I'm Jewish, just come right out and say so. I think you're

Jewish.

A little note of levity. However, I will have to take down some details,

obviously, for the sake of...

Could I, uh, could I have your name, please?

It's Abrahams.

Abrahams, yes.

Now, and your address?

35 Vermitts for Garden.

Stanmore.

Yes, right.

Uh,

well, uh, Mr.

Abrahams, I... No, no, please, please, call me Reuben.

Well, Robin, I... Now, Ruben, Ruben.

Sorry, Ruben.

While I personally don't doubt your sincerity in any way at all, I mean, I

really mean that, I can't, of course, answer, do you see, for my superior.

Oh, superior, schmoo -perior.

I'm not going to let them tell you what to do.

Now, look, that is the sort of thing that may very well arouse suspicions,

Jewish expression.

Look, I can't help my face, can I?

What can I do about my own face? I can't do anything. about my own face.

Look, why don't you accept the words of a man when he says he's not Jewish?

Look, look at me, look at me. I'm miserable. I'm miserable.

Jewish people have a wonderful sense of humour. They're funny.

Look at Max Bygrave.

Max Bygrave is not Jewish. Exactly, exactly.

For all my life, I'm Gentile. Please, I'm as good as they come.

Look, I must ask you to leave the office. I really... Oh, what a

Please, would you mind doing me a favour? Just reconsider my offer, would

please? Look, you don't... seem to understand that there is the very

of insurance, is that you, the client, pay we, the insurers, large sums of

money. Yes.

Yes, that is it.

That is insurance, you see. Now, were you to ask me to insure you against

becoming a Catholic... A Catholic?

What do you take me for?

What do you take me for?

I said, what, the policy against sudden conversion to Catholicism?

You must think I'm bombing. One pound a month. Oh, one pound a month, I'll take

it.

friend Jaime as well.

Against becoming a Catholic, certainly. Oh, that's wonderful. He's outside.

I'll just go and get him. Take a moment. Thank you.

Jaime, Jaime, the man says he will insure you against becoming a Catholic.

told you I'd get you a good deal. Come on in, come on in. This is my friend

Jaime Borgia.

to warn any young children looking in that they should not, under any

circumstances, attempt to tell the joke I'm going to tell tonight.

It is extremely dangerous.

This audience could murder me.

Whereas the father of two children myself, I like to be a little bit

a matter of fact, my two young daughters will both be fast asleep by now.

They're over there in the third row.

I'm not nervous.

That was just a little joke.

To be honest, I have bought them a little present.

A pet.

I don't want to speak too loudly because I have an idea it may be asleep.

Yes, it is.

Actually, to be honest, I bought this because... I bought this because

my elder daughter...

has not been having a happy time of it just lately, ever since we started

sending her to the John McEnroe Charm School.

Now, to be honest, I don't think the teachers, to be honest, have got the

idea. The other week, she had her arithmetic homework sent back, marked 12

of 10.

12 out of 10, must try harder, it said.

Then for English, everyone in the class had to write an essay on the subject.

How does your daddy earn a living?

She put, it beats me.

By contrast, my other daughter is doing quite well. She's very much into music

and art at the moment. She does a lot of brass band rubbings, you know.

A common story.

On with the story. Now, this is actually a true story, personally witnessed by

our local choir master while he was in the odd fellow's arms.

Selling copies of gay news.

As a matter of fact, our village pub, to be honest, is steeped in local history.

At one time of day, it used to be known as the Shoemaker's Arms, after a chap

who lived there in the 18th century.

The story goes that one day he joined the King's Cobblers.

And has... Remember,

he's sound asleep.

He joined the King's Cobblers and had his needle and thread confiscated.

a few weeks ago... A few weeks ago. I've just seen it myself, as a matter of

fact.

It does bring a tear to your eye. Anyway, a week ago, one Sunday

the regulars were there at the bar.

And the local farmer was just demonstrating his new idea for producing

butter, a cow in a rocking chair.

And the landlord's wife had just served up one of her extra hot curries, and

there was a mad scramble for the pile of pennies.

At that point, into the pub walked this rather large huntsman.

with a rifle slung over his shoulder. And he went straight up to the landlord

and he said, excuse me, he said, I am looking for a little sport.

And the landlord said, have you tried the vicar's daughter?

The chap said, that is no good, it's got to be dear. He said, well, she doesn't

come cheap.

Because...

He has a ready wit, our landlord.

The chap said, look, he said, my good man, I mean to bag some deer and I'm

wondering whether there are any in that big forest down the road.

The landlord said, whatever you do, don't go in there. He said, that is the

private estate, he said, of Sir Hartley Ponceforth.

And he has a very short way with poachers, he said. If he finds you

deer, he said, he'll tie you to the back of one of his sheep. The chap said,

what's so terrible about that? He said, you'll find out when the lamb gets

loose.

I shouldn't have said ram, but it'll be cut anyway.

Well... Well, the huntsman, undeterred,

undeterred, said, he said, I'll take that risk, he said, and immediately he

departs from the forest. Whereas luck would have it, he bags a small deer and

loads it onto his shoulder, you see, and he begins strolling back to the van.

Well, he's about 100 yards from the gate when all of a sudden he's confronted by

the local gamekeeper.

And he thinks to himself, now don't panic, I'll just stay calm, act casual.

may not notice I'm carrying the dead deer.

He drops his cap and says, good morning, sir. He said, I've just been picking

wildflowers and I seem to have lost my way. The gamekeeper said, don't give me

that. He said, what is that on your shoulder? He said, oh, he said this. He

said, this is a rifle. You can't be too careful with these footpads and muggers

about. At which point the gamekeeper gives him a baleful glare. He said, I'm

talking about the rifle.

I'm talking about the other shoulder.

The chap says, other shoulder? What other shoulder? Ooh!

I say, Albert.

What? Do you reckon our wives are having a good time round at your house?

Well, they might be.

Then again, they might not.

You can't say I am.

What? I can't say I am having a good time.

No. No, neither can I.

What? Say you're having a good time, you may. No, I can't say I'm having a good

time either.

No, neither can I. No.

Neither of us are, really.

Not really. Not having a good time. No.

Hello?

Oh, hello.

Yeah.

Oh, how funny, because we were just saying the same thing.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Well, I'll tell him then.

Yeah. Right -o.

Who was that? That was your wife, Doris.

She says they're not having a good time either.

So she's going to come back here.

I think I might as well be getting off home myself, then. Yeah, yeah.

Say, Albert, I don't think we'll bother to do this again, do you? No, definitely

not. No, no. I don't think this wife -swapping's all he's cracked up to do.

We hate one another.

He ratted on his mama to the red man.

I don't like the look in your eye.

I spit in it.

I spy a Rolls Royce going by. I throw a load of sugar and spit in it.

Just shut up.

I told them all to strut off. Of the labor exchange.

I'm real grotty.

And me head looks potty.

Cause it's like a baby's potty.

It's like a baby's body.

I grease it and I oil it.

I shove it down the toilet.

Why don't you tune up your bay?

Why don't you shut your face?

You don't half look as safe.

Watch it, mate.

You look the right prairie hat.

With your trousers like that.

Youse have one of them one -and -a -half -piece suits.

Or have your trousers and a row of your boots.

talking, why don't you give it a rest?

You got more rabbit than St.

Breeze. It's time you got it off your chest.

I never dreamed I'd end up with the last of you. If you don't like it, you can

stop it. That's what you can do.

I'll tell you, man, I've had enough of you. With your incest and dogging,

become a pet.

Rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit

She'd have them all queuing up at the doors.

She'd draw the crowds like she crowds her drawers.

Don't stop talking.

Why don't you give it a rest?

You've got more of it than Sainsbury's. It's time you got it off your chest.

I never dreamed I'd end up with the likes of you. If you don't like it, you

stop it. That's what you can do.

I'll tell your man I had about enough of you. With your insistent talking,

you'll be coming up, eh?

Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, yak, yak, yak, yak,

rabbit, yak, yak, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, yak, yak, yak, yak, funny,

funny, jabber, jabber, jabber, jabber, jabber, jabber, jabber, rabbit.

Spider Woman. Spider Woman. Spider Woman.

Spider Woman. Spider Woman.

Yes, I'm sorry to say it does. But before we go, a few late items of news.

The cremation took place earlier today of Mrs Doris String, Britain's longest

-serving office cleaner.

And at a brief ceremony this evening, former colleague swept her ashes under

carpet.

Good news tonight, after today's accident at the house of Marvo the

where, due to a misunderstanding, he changed his wife and daughters into a

and two armchairs.

a policy statement on television tonight. President Reagan told Americans

the present recession has to be confronted with all the intellectual

administration can muster. He's forming a posse.

Finally, we've just heard about a new and relatively cheap way of splitting

atom. You send it through the post, Mark Fragile.

Until then, it's goodbye from me. And it's goodbye from him.

Goodbye.

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