Original subtitles

Good evening. Wonderful to be back with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed

it is. And in a packed programme tonight, we were hoping to have

man who crossed a Venus flytrap with a zip fastener, but we've just heard that

he's rather caught up in his work at the moment.

But I will be talking to the head of a Home Office research team which revealed

today what Scotsmen do with their old razor blades.

They shave with them.

But first, the news.

Sigmund Frisby, Britain's worst darts player, was sentenced to ten years'

imprisonment at the Old Bailey today.

He threw himself on the mercy of the court and missed.

And, uh, confirmation tonight that a Manchester teacher with special

responsibilities for sex education has eloped with one of his visual aides.

But now sketch.

Featuring Mr. Ronnie Corbett, a man who once applied to a computer dating agency

for a partner. He asked for one of small stature, who likes to dress formally,

enjoys swimming, and is gregarious. They sent him a penguin.

Well, scintillating company here as usual, Harriet. I really don't know how

do it.

You seem to be able to breathe life into any old dollar collection of people.

Yes, talking of breathing life, Roger, have you been at the Garlic?

Me? Would you mean my breath?

No. No?

No. Well, someone around here is polluting the atmosphere. I wonder who

be. Yes.

Hello, Harriet.

Oh, hi.

Hartley. Harry Hartley. How do you do? How do you do, Mr. Hartley? Actually,

it's Huntington Hartley, but we don't bother about the hyphen. Oh, no.

Mark, look after the guest. See you later. Oh, yes, yes, bye -bye.

Hasta la vista, Harriet.

Hell of a good hostess, Harriet, isn't she?

Absolutely, 100 % her boy. Yes, oh, yes, quite.

Anything the matter?

No, I think I've got something in my eye or something.

Oh, dear, let me have a look. No, no, no, no, it's all right, it's all right.

It's just watering, and it is probably hay fever. Oh, hay fever.

Hay fever, absolutely.

Absolutely. Horrid, eh, boy?

Horrid. I suffered from it on holiday once in, um, in Helensborough.

Oh, yes. You know, yes, and I had to hibernate in the hotel the entire

You must sit down. I'm feeling a bit of faint. Perhaps I can recommend you my

hay fever, ma 'am. Oh, really?

Expensive? Uh, holly street.

Not waiting for the health service. No, no, no. I hope. Yes, hope. Yes, hope.

Absolutely hope. Yes, I have an old wives remedy. I twist my neck right

like that, you see. And then I hold my breath for as long as I possibly can.

Oh, I see.

There are some old wives tales about these. I listen to the young wives tales

mostly. Around these parts, people get up some rather interesting things. Are

you married at all? How many... Oh, sorry.

I've got three children, as a matter of fact. Gosh, can't you hold your breath a

long time?

All my three children are away at school, as a matter of fact.

Helen, Helen, bless her heart, Helen is in St. Hilda.

And Hector is in Hilda Romana, which is in Hertfordshire. And dear Harry,

Harry, Harry, bless his heart, has a tarot on the hill.

Turn back, everyone. What are you going to do? I'm going to give him the kiss of

life.

What the hell happened to him, Harry?

Sorry, Harry.

Halitosis. Oh, has he really?

I didn't notice. Then, of course, I wouldn't. I had a touch of garlic in the

dressing at lunchtime.

Greetings,

greetings.

I am the guru, swami, Baghdad, Mata Hari, Ananda, Varanda, Andanda, Andover,

god -to -blimey yogi bear.

Now you are thinking, it's all very well being the guru, swami, Baghdad, Mata

Hari, etc., etc., yogi bear.

But what has this to do with you? Oh my goodness, look you whatever I'm in.

Well, when I am a boy in Panty Jerry, I was very bad, bad boy.

Every morning I'm throwing puffer dumbs at my grandmother.

We're having all -nighter parties.

Hyderabad to Hydroverse.

A little Indian joke.

I am going to school at the age of 23. My qualifications are 11 plus in geology

field.

Finally, I am walking in the jungle and meeting with a woman who is coming back

from washing herself in the river. She is wearing only a lion cloth in which

keeps her curried lentil sandwiches.

Oh my crikey, I say what beautiful sandwiches.

You have a lot to learn, she said.

Oh, she goes in, out, in, out, even more than the Oxford Eight.

She said, oh, man, before you light two paths, there's the lower path by the

River of Sensuality, where you will meet with many women making eyes like

startled roebuck and wearing see -through doughties.

And some have the sari with the fringe on top.

Then there's the upper path over the high mountains. This is the path... Of

scholar and sage and onions and wandering monks.

And wholly full of whores and holy people.

What to do?

Well, I tell you. I go on lower path pretty damn quick.

Oh, we could trump it better than Papadum any day.

And my qualification is only one night of love with Kashmir Kate at the Kama

Sutta Cafe Bangalore failed.

One morning I am walking by the river, not in it because I get wet.

And the butterflies, the butterflies flutter by. Yes, beautiful.

And the flowers flower.

Yes, beautiful.

And on the pathway is a little slug.

And he is getting up on his final legs and he speak to me. He said, Sadhu, he

say. And I say, Sadhu too. And he say, no.

Renounce this life of fleshly lust and curry beans.

Go to England and become the first television guru and teach the poor

the way, or even several ways.

And they say, Master, I will. I will go to Milton Keynes and get open university

degree in transcendental medication.

Yogi Carmichael and advanced Raphael work there.

Now, what is my message to you? Oh, my God, the cocoa's coming off.

Some of you are saying, this man is not a genuine Indian Indian. He is from

Basildon, Newtown, with Irish mother and father from our bros who travel in

cocoa.

No, no, no. To these sceptics, I say, just sticks to you.

Now listen, O unholy ones, to my teaching, go to blimey.

Two sheep were grazing in a pasture.

Bah, said the first sheep.

Moo, said the second sheep.

The first sheep looked at his companion. What are you doing? He said, what are

you doing?

He said, the sheep going to go moo. They say, bah.

I know that, I know that, says the other sheep. I'm learning a foreign language.

What does this teach us? Nothing.

But always remember, no matter how hot the day is, at night it will get dark.

And many a true word is spoken through false teeth.

So always be sincere, whether you mean it or not, because into each life a

little rain must fall, usually at the weekend.

And success is relative. The more success, the more relatives.

Oh, my God, six o 'clock.

I have not had time to tell you how to throw away all material goods.

You are dealing with this even later than earlier. My friends, remember well

what I have told you and let the final word come from my guru, that self -same

very holy slug, the Swami Slimy Sluggerishi.

There he is now.

Who's a pity boy, then?

I think that says it all, Effendi. As we say in Basildon, cheerio cock.

Your Harry's still got his nerves.

Whereabouts? No, his nerves, dear.

He seems getting more nervy. Oh, restless. Oh, yes, yes. He's so

know, he don't even feel at home at home.

The trouble is, he's getting so accustomed to being tense, when he calms

it makes him nervous.

Perhaps he should change his doctor.

Oh, not him, no. That doctor did something for Harry that not many

do. What's that?

Well, he treated him for a double earlier, and he only charged him for the

Please welcome our guest this week, Sheena Eaton.

You're the seventh son of the seventh son

Maybe that's why you're such a strange

and special one You can't even seem to

love yourself And with a few exceptions

but you cannot make him drink.

You can give a man your whole heart and soul, but you cannot...

Exactly the place and the time.

You might really want to be there.

I wonder if you could tell me the time.

Certainly, sir. It's 3 .30.

I asked you the time.

It's quarter past seven.

Well?

I don't know.

No, don't you?

Can you tell me how to get to Walthamstow? Yes, if you take a...

I think I made my meaning clear.

I'm sorry.

No,

you're not.

No, I'm not.

No, you're not.

Can you tell me where I can get a decent cup of coffee? Yes, if you just... How

the hell should I know?

Because it's your job. Get lost.

Congratulations, you've passed the test. Welcome to British Rail Information

Service.

Our gruesome twosome, Piggy and Charlie, have reached Madeira, on board the

pleasure cruiser from which girls have been mysteriously disappearing, members

of Mrs. Bumstead's all -ladies orchestra.

After many fruitless attempts at a solution, they now find themselves in

less fashionable part of the town, in a sleazy Chinese restaurant.

They are even now about to make themselves known to the slant -eyed

the aid of a message on a card planted in Piggy's pocket earlier.

How fat?

Huh? How fat?

That's obviously the wrong code, Charlie.

I'll just read the numbers out. 3, 15, 23, 6, 21, 20.

Well,

that obviously made an impression.

Time to get the boss.

Look out, here comes another one.

Drink, sir?

Ah, yes, please. Do you do Moti -chenko specials?

Moti -choko?

Moti -chenko.

Tibetan rice wine with aniseed and ginger, served with orange juice and

Angostura bitters.

No, we don't. Oh, well, have a brown ale, then.

Me too.

Two brown ales.

He was a bit of an heavyweight, wasn't he? Yeah, funny, really. Because usually

in Chinese restaurants, the waiters are small.

I was a... Well, to make the portions look bigger.

Talking of food, why don't we have a little bit to eat now, eh?

No, why don't we just wait a while? I mean, we don't know what's going to

happen, do we? Just wait, see what the password brings forth.

That's sweet and sour chicken, beef and spring onion, plum balls... Special

mixed veggie and fried rice and egg.

You're not from round these parts, are you?

No, China.

What is all this, anyhow?

It's what you ordered.

Three, fifteen, twenty -three, six, twenty -one and twenty.

That's what the numbers meant, Chief.

And here's the special.

Twenty -three.

That boiled squid and baby snail cooked with Chinese nettle and goat's milk.

Is that... Very rare Chinese traditional dish.

Yeah, not many people order that one.

Why not?

Tastes horrible.

I thought we were given all these numbers on a card.

Oh, yeah.

This card here.

Yum choy.

That's another blind alley we've been let up.

Well, at least we've got something to eat, haven't we? Yeah, mind you, I'm

to avoid number 23. Don't fancy the sound of that. Okay.

Must have had a very funny taste, whoever wrote those numbers on the card.

Squid, snail, nettles, goats.

Yeah, please.

We'll have number 3, number 15, number 6, number 21,

20, and 23.

23.

Yes, please.

73, did you hear that?

I know that voice and all.

Over there, in the corner, behind the alcove.

You go to the loo and have a look at it.

Go and look in the alcove, see who it is.

It's Jane and June, the two clarinetists.

That's how the car got in your trousers.

And they undressed us the other night.

Did they spot you?

No, I peeped with them over a grill.

What grill? A mixed grill. Somebody was eating on the grill.

Here.

They were supposed to have disappeared with the rest of the orchestra.

They must have been on this.

Here, under forced pretenses.

It's a trap.

We've got to get out.

What a waste of good food, eh?

Oh, well, we'd better cause a commotion and beat it, all right? Yeah, but we

don't want them to recognise our voices. Now, are you ready?

Come on, two more mouthfuls. All right.

Oh, waiter, look, it's disgusting. There's a dead cockroach in my food.

Take it away. I can't stay here a minute longer.

Come, Gerald, let us leave this dreadful place.

Please, gentlemen, there's no need to get...

Where'd you get that cockerel?

I always carry a couple of them. I got it from a joke shop in Charing Cross

Road. Maybe it's a free dinner I've ever done.

These two girls are up to no good, you know. Yeah. I reckon, you know, we ought

to hide inside their cabin. We might overhear something. Well, I'm game if

are.

As a matter of fact, I've always found twins rather attractive.

Now, they're not twins. Well, good as, aren't they? Good as. Couple of good

-lookers, aren't they? Oh, yeah.

You know, some time ago, I took out a pair of twins one night.

Really? Yeah. Did you have a good time?

Yes and no.

And so the very next evening, Piggy and Charlie prepare to conceal themselves in

the girls' cabin.

I'll go in the wardrobe.

Yes, you go under the bunk.

You got your roll?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What is this roll? Is it some kind of decoy or trick, is it?

No, you eat it when you're hungry. I mean, I know you.

Room service.

Not at the moment, thank you. I'm in the shower.

Pardon? You can't come in. I'm in the shower.

I'm in a place to have a shower.

In the wardrobe.

What do you think you should wear for this, Shandy?

I think a little program.

Well, we've got three minutes to change if we're going to make that dark side

butt. Plenty of time.

Did you see what Mrs. Bromstead was wearing today? That floral...

They say all her clothes are made to measure. Really?

I wonder who for.

She

told

me when she was young she had an hourglass figure.

Yeah, the only trouble is all the sand has run to the bottom.

It's already taken her six years.

Like the anklet my boyfriend bought me. Oh, that's beautiful.

What's it got engraved on it?

Oh, that was his idea.

Why? What's it say?

Heavens above.

How are we doing for tonight?

Fine. We'll make it easily.

Of course, there's a lot to be said in Mrs. Bones' favor.

Oh, yes.

But it's not nearly so interesting.

It's true she's a medium. She looks more like an extra large to me.

It's her birthday soon.

Remember last year when the girls baked her a cake with 39 candles on it? In the

shape of a question mark?

This year they're planning to set fire to the whole cake.

You want to tell them?

And so the plot thickens as the dastardly Chinese villain welcomes the

twins into his cabin.

But who else is involved?

How large is Mrs. Bunce's role?

What was in Piggy Malone's role?

Don't miss next week's tantalizing episode of Band of Slaves.

What is the difference between a duck?

Are you looking for something?

I dropped a tempeh over there.

Oh, well, why are you looking over here, then?

Well, the light's better over here.

I don't know. What is the difference between a duck?

Well, it's a competition in the back of the paper.

Oh, is it?

Oh, well, the answer will be in the back, then. Oh, right.

Oh, I'll go down to Duck Pond later on and have a look. Yes.

You are open, are you?

I don't rightly know. The clock stopped.

Oh, dear.

What time did it stop?

I don't know. I want year.

Oh.

Curly. No, no, no. George was out there talking to Harry.

Oh. Was he on his own? They both were.

What's in that parcel there?

Don't write me now. It's all covered up with paper, you see. Oh, yeah.

Here's someone pinched my car.

Well, that won't be it.

Oh, mine was a green one.

Oh, yeah. Who stole it then?

A man with one leg in the high street.

Where was this other lad?

He ran off with it.

Dear, I shall get it back.

How's that? Well, I managed to catch the number.

Oh, well,

I'm off.

What do you mean? You weren't here.

Well, I know that, but it means my day off. Oh, well, who's going to run the

then? Well, you'll have to. Oh, right -o.

Here, do you want a drink for you, though?

Well, why not?

Of course, why not? It's my day off. Yeah.

I'll have a pint of ale. You'll have to wait, I'm sure, with another gentleman.

Who's that, then? Me.

Well, I don't mind waiting, then. Would you like a drink? What are you waiting?

Well, it's very kind of you.

I'll have a whiskey.

Oh, right, which one?

Could I have that little one just under the top there, just in the middle there?

Right.

Oh, dear.

That's bad. What were you saying?

I don't know. I wasn't listening too carefully.

You know, that is shaped like a balloon.

Now, whatever is shaped like a balloon?

Well, it's a balloon.

Is it addressed to your mum?

Oh, probably from my granddad. How do you know that?

Well, I think his name's on the other side.

Oh. Oh, it's probably to your granddad.

What my grandad do is send a parcel to his cell. No, no.

No, from your mum, you see. The postmistress has delivered it upside

Well, how do you know the postmistress has delivered it? Well, she delivers

everything in this village, don't she? Yeah, she does. Of course she does,

She's the midwife and all, isn't she? Yeah.

Well, they buried old Jack yesterday in Shropshire. What part?

All of him.

What do you have?

Uh, the shepherd's pie, I think.

Last words were? Yeah, let me out, I'm not dead.

Here's one, here's one. Think of a number between one and three. Oh, I

that. Why's that?

I was glad we did it between one and three.

That parcel you referred to earlier, that parcel's probably a balloon for the

party. Oh, well, there's only one way to find out, ain't there, hey?

Well?

When old Frank now we'll never know

Tonight

I'd like if I may to tell you a very funny joke about a golfer now by the way

before I go on I want to reassure my regular viewers if either of them is

watching This week there will be This week, there will be not so much as a

single dirty laugh from the audience here in the studio.

Because this week, I am very pleased... This week, I

am very pleased to say the entire studio audience is made up of members of the

Shepherds Bush League of Temperance and Justice.

And not one of them would dream of reading anything smutty into any

remarks I might make.

Now, the other night...

I was lying in bed, feeling at a loose end.

I'm sorry? What?

What's funny about that?

You are the most naughty -minded audience we have ever had in this

And can you please come back again next week?

As I was saying, I was just lying in bed.

I just had a little tiff with my wife.

She has got this silly idea into her head, my wife, that I'm not spending

time at home with her.

In fact, she's a very suspicious mind.

The last time she saw me in the BBC club chatting up Sonia Lanaman and accused

me of trying to pull a fast one.

That was a night I remember.

That was a night I remember there was a bit of an upset.

There was a bit of an upset at the bar, to be honest.

Magnus Pike had just ordered a round of drinks, and one of his arms had come

loose.

It was rather a special occasion for me, to be honest, because that was the

evening my agent bought me a gin and tonic.

Well, he didn't actually buy it. He didn't actually. He got it for me

I won't lie to you.

He is something of a cheapskate. He's the sort of man who hangs on to the same

things forever, you know.

rumor that he once bought himself a new wallet and his jacket rejected it.

I would not tell that joke. The joke I'm actually going to tell is one I heard a

few weeks ago when, as I say, I went to the dentist. I was sitting in the

waiting room at the dentist like you do, you know. I was just, you know, reading

a newspaper.

Or was it the Daily Star?

I can't remember.

And my eye was caught by a little piece headed, don't forget to put the clocks

back.

some sort of warning to second -hand car salesmen. And it brought back very

happy memories, or brought back memories of some sort, anyway, of my first

second -hand car. Now, goodness me, the first car I ever bought, second -hand,

was so old, it was the only car I've ever known with gargoyles on the

It was so badly designed, so badly designed, the roof rack was on the

Not that the one we've got now is a lot better, to be honest. On a cold morning,

we have to kick -start the little dog in the back window.

The other day, my wife took it out for a spin and there was a little bit of a

mishap. Trouble is, she doesn't really understand cars fully.

You know, she has been known to drive into a garage and ask them to top up the

ashtrays.

I've told her once before, I've told her a thousand times, not to put too much

air in the tyres.

The other day she overdid it completely.

She was last seen ballooning over Dunstable Down.

I was in the dentist's waiting room, you see, and at this point the girl in

reception, dental floss as she's known, she came over and she said to the

dentist, Tony was ready for me, she said, and now in order to put me to

he told me this joke. That's a roundabout way of getting to it.

And it concerns a chap who one day went for a round of golf at this rather

unfamiliar course. He hadn't played it before. And afterwards, he's getting

changed. He gets himself all smartened up. And he's standing there in the

showers, you know, musing on his handicap.

And all of a sudden, here's a group of lady members outside the shower

I wish they were here tonight.

He hears these women laughing and realizes to his horror they're outside,

know, getting, they're getting undressed. And he's actually in the

shower. Oh, my God. He said,

I can't look. Come in here and see my embarrassment.

You are not the shepherd's boot temper in society.

So not wanting to be recognized in such a compromising situation, he grabs the

nearest towel and puts it over his head.

And he dashes out of the shower past these three women.

And the women, not unnaturally, stare at him, mumbling words like, good heavens,

well, I never.

And will you marry me?

Who on earth was that, says one of the first ones. Well, he's not my husband.

Second one said, well, he's not even my husband.

The third one said he's not even a member of the club.

We brought the family.

Curly kids and curly males. Jogs for pearly, curly cows.

Curly, twirly girlies with pearly, twirly frocks. Pearly, surly mother -in

with flea -nugly clumps.

Everyone's a swell.

Every cost a jacky, cost a fracky, can't you tell?

You try to join us for a spell when you're in the old campground.

If you're cocked the same as me, it's amazing you'll agree how we've conjured

a language all our own.

Cos we're talking all in rhyme and we talk it all the time. It's the most

peculiar lingo ever known.

Too right!

Now your plates, they are your feet, cos in rhyme we're plates of meat. And you

have to need for teeth, that's fairly clear.

And your teeth are in your mouth, which is called your northern staff. And a

pint of pigs here means you're a pint of beer. So you can put up your feet,

check out your ant's teeth, pour a pint of beer down your northern staff. Put up

your feet, check out your teeth, and pour a pint of beer down your mouth.

See?

Now your trouble and your strife, that is what you call a wife, because she's

been one since the day that you were wed.

If you've got a load of kids, then they're called your saucepan lids and

bed upstairs that's called your uncle Ned.

But you never call them stairs.

They're your apples and your pears that you climbed up when the current one is

set.

When you smoke an oily rag, it really means you're fag, you're dog in dim or

snarl cigarette.

So you can plug in the saucepan, put up your oily chest, and shovel up the

apples to the uncle Ned. Plug in the kids, put up your bag, and take them

upstairs and go to bed.

It is called a frog and toe. And the pub's a rubber dub. We all know that.

And a tumble down the sink is the cockney name for drink. And your tipper

your act. Your tipper tap.

So you came.

Put on your tipper. Go down the frog. Do you have a little tumble in the rubber?

Put on your act.

We've got it on the road. We're having a little drink here in the pub. So you

can put up your feet, check out your hamsters, pour a pint of beer down your

mouth.

So you can tuck in the saucepan, put up your ID, just drop it up between the

uncle and aunt, tuck in the kids, put up your bag, chase the wife upstairs and

go to bed.

Tattoos and a great big airy chest.

She had a job trying to find someone to marry her. Cos she was built like an

aircraft carrier.

Teeth like piranhas and fingers like bananas.

Could help anyone who crossed her path.

One day she spun the channel with a Magellan again. Stove on her back just

laugh.

Now my Uncle Joe kept his dough in a bowl. He stuffed it all the way.

beneath his bed.

And talk about unwise up there was none superior.

He was as tight as a duck's posterior.

And Joey wasn't charming.

His feet, they smelt alarming.

Never saw no sun nor water, I don't think.

Even our side held their noses when they flew round Joey's toes because they

couldn't stand it all.

Beauty on my right.

That's Shirley from Pearlie, my sweet little Noah.

What's her nickname when she's at home? I call her Boil Sewer Puddin'. She eats

like a good 'un. Make sure she gets enough to scoff or else she'll have your

whiskers off. And she doesn't eat up. She is anything but good 'un. Cos every

ounce begins to bounce. Yes, every pound just flies around.

Yes, every stone's got a life of its own. Yes, every underweight's a plate of

bones.

Feel a little weary.

Got a little query.

What's that?

How did she get so fat? Look how it all sticks out.

Eating this and not eating that and swilling lots of stuff. I should like to

have one just the same as that.

If I stood underneath them two, I wouldn't need a hat.

Where did you find her? Oh, pal.

I went wife -swapping with me china gut and we both had a gin too much.

And I ain't a kiddin', that's the piece of skirt that I swapped for me dear old

darts. Now if I go home again without a dart, I'll come out on a blooming

crotch.

Your old girl'll do enough, knock you off your feet, Bill, off the bleeding

street, Will.

Ain't you got a little dear, got a little nice one here? Oh, yeah.

Fanny all right, Fanny all right.

Funny little Fanny O 'Brien.

With a pearly kink, it's the same old song. I'm a little bit short, but I

keep long. Taking off to church one day with a spat of colorant dye on. And I

always know I've got sweet Epo.

Fanny O 'Brien.

Nothing could be finer than to seize and squeeze your china without warning.

Snooty with my Shirley, my sweet pearly girly early. in the morning.

She loves them shiny buttons because they make her look swell.

She's got 30 ,000 sewn onto her night years. Well, that's why it's all the

patchy wakes up bruised and rather scratchy in the morning.

It's the only place we know. On and on and on you go. Fairly less and less is

kings without a crown.

Dukes and earls with buttoned toes. And queens without tiaras.

We've had some fun today.

Now there'll be hell to pay.

We're not the night away in London town.

We'll paint the town. We'll paint it what is brown.

I'm going to drink up a blooming top. I'm going to dance to me back top off.

Lord love you, London.

to let you down.

Window weather here forever, dear old London town.

Dilly -dally, dilly -dally, we'll pretend you ain't of a puff as well.

Dilly -dally, dilly -dally, there'll always be an England. What is a

I'd very much like to thank Chatham Day for being with us in that last number,

wouldn't I?

Yes, indeed.

That seems to be all we have time for tonight, but before we go, a few late

items. British Rail revealed today that the switchboard at Waterloo Station has

received 65 ,000 nuisance calls in the last year. All from people wanting to

know about train services.

Can't believe it. News has just come in that Sussex firemen have freed the

drunken bell ringer.

who forgot to let go of the rope during the carol service and caught his ding

-dong merrily on high.

We'll be meeting a home economist who crossed a ruptured weightlifter with a

packet of quick brew and invented the self -straining teabag.

And I'll be talking to Mr Kirkby Ashcroft, the Wellingborough sports

spent his life inventing a game similar to football.

and now discovers that England have been playing it for years.

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