Original subtitles

Good evening. It's wonderful to be back with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

Indeed it is. And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be talking to two

oriental gentlemen who went into the drainage business and next week opened

their first Chinese soak away.

We'll also be meeting Joe Muffin, the world's silliest chef, who boiled a

yesterday and made himself a laughing stock.

But first, the news.

A breakfast meeting to discuss détente got off to a bad start today when

President Reagan emptied a jug of orange juice over Mr. Brezhnev's head.

The Soviet leader responded by ramming two bananas up the President's nostrils.

The spokesman described the atmosphere as tense but fruitful.

The golden age of steam returned to Kingscloth Station today when the hot

vending machine on Platform 5 exploded.

We've just had news of an enterprising escape from the top security jail for

small offenders serving short sentences.

Fifteen of them in the chain gang managed to get through the front gate

disguised as a charm bracelet.

Finally, it was revealed in a government survey published today that Margaret

Thatcher is doing the work of two men, Ronald and Hardy.

But now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie Corbett.

a man who began his show business career as Nicholas Parsons' getaway driver.

Yes, yes, thank you. Oh, I'm sure.

Hello. Hello.

I've just been...

I've just been hearing on the grapevine that you've just been to Africa.

Oh, yes, yes. Awfully hush -hush, though, old man, yes. Really? Yes, I

can't talk about it, actually. Come on, you can tell me. No, no, no, I mustn't,

really. Oh, come on. What are you doing?

I'm sorry, no. I'd rather change the subject, if you don't mind.

How are the children?

Drilling for oil in the Congo, actually.

That's what I've been doing.

Grilling for oil in the Congo, yes. Very hard work.

Very hard work. Well, I mustn't talk about it, though. I've said too much

already. Well, I understand.

How's your charming wife? On the job 16 hours a day.

No, I was. I was at the Congo, yes. I'm on the rig, yes.

Oh, but the conditions are absolutely vile, you know. Oh, the jungle out there

is so hot and steamy. Oh, but I mustn't. No. No, no, I'd rather really not

discuss it. Oh, right. Well, I understand.

Very nice wideness, isn't it?

stinks of elephant dung.

No, no, no, I mean where I am, in the jungle.

Oh, absolutely awful. And as for the insects, well, I promised I wouldn't,

I'm not going to.

Well,

you're looking smart, whatever.

Very nice trousers.

Flies are appalling.

I didn't notice, honestly.

No, no, no, the flies out in the jungle, boy, yes, absolutely awful.

Yes, we've...

We've been drilling away for oil, you know, and last week we sank.

I don't want to boast about this, but I did think... No, I mustn't. No, I

mustn't tell you. No, no.

Come on, what did you think? I'm sorry, no, my lips are sealed. No, no, no.

Mum's the word.

Graham, do you know what you are?

Just about the biggest bore the oil world has ever known. That's right.

My name is Algernon Dinge, and I am a vet. I'm a fully qualified practitioner

and a member of the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons. I have a degree in

zoology, and at present I work as a consultant at the Royal Beak, Trunk and

Gullet Hospital, Bloomsbury.

Now, I have been asked to talk to you tonight about the care and treatment of

sick animals.

Now, what happens, for instance, if you think your dog needs stronger glasses?

Well, send him along to me, and I will test his eyes with this chart here.

Fails the eyesight test, of course, he will have to make do with a provisional

dog license.

Now, over here, follow me over here, is a diagram of a horse that died in very

unusual circumstances.

To train a specialist like myself, the cause of death here is obvious

immediately. Someone sawn the poor beggar in half.

Cats. Now, here is a letter from a lady in Bronze Grove who writes, Dear Dr.

Dinge, my little cat Tiddles, what can I do about it?

Here's another one, you see, an identical one here from a gentleman in

Biggleswade. My puppy dog, Rover, keeps doing big jobs on the floor of the

sitting room.

And I don't mean reupholstering the sofa.

Further to your suggestion, I tried rubbing his snout in it, and now, in

addition to doing big jobs, he blows his nose on the car.

Well, of course, eventually they'll grow out of it.

Or if they don't, rhubarb will.

Now, if you have got a dog, you should always make sure it has a nice, healthy

coat, and above all, try to avoid distemper.

Anyone who gives his dog a coat of distemper is asking for trouble.

What about psychiatric problems? Well, here we see a very withdrawn tortoise.

Now, if we wish to coat it out, we have to treat it just like a human being,

with affection, gentleness, and understanding.

Okay, you lousy bug, we know you're...

That sort of thing is absolutely a waste of time. Now, over here, we have a much

more successful case. There we are.

A snail that's been taking Valium.

As you can see, it's managed to completely unwind.

Now, that brings me to rabbits.

Now, breeding rabbits is easy.

It's not breeding, and it's difficult.

So if you've got more than enough rabbits, just write to me and I'll send

frank leaflet on voluntary birth control in rabbits entitled, The Buck Stops

Here.

And to help you, here is a rough model.

That was a model upside down.

Now, in this tin here, we have a frog with hiccups.

Very simple to cure.

Just give it a sudden jump.

Hedgehogs. Now, hedgehogs can be something of a pest.

They get their name, of course, because they are a type of small hog, and they

live in a hedge.

Titmice aren't much fun either.

I'm often called out to attend to cases on farms. The other day, I had to go to

a bird sanctuary in Sydenham to deal with a sex -crazed goose.

It kept having a gander over next door neighbour's wall.

I also had to treat a duck who'd given himself a hernia trying to hatch a golf

ball.

Then there was the very disturbing case of the nymphomaniac sheep. Now, I wasn't

able to cure her, but I did use the wool to make the world's first sleeveless

pushover.

A lot of people often ask me what to do about frustration in cows.

Well, complain to the Isle of Wight Tourist Board. That's the best way.

And lastly... Lastly, we come to animals in zoos. Now, even in a zoo, correct

diet is essential, or the effect can be devastating.

Now, here, for instance, we see a boa constrictor that's been eating far too

many sausages.

Here, we have an armadillo that's been fed entirely on sliced bread.

Finally, animal husbandry, like the rest of industry, has to move with the age

of technology.

And already, British Leyland have developed a new prototype which could

revolutionise our battery farms.

And here it is, the new chicken hatchback.

Engineered entirely at Leyland's plant in Longbridge, you can already see the

rust underneath the wing.

So, in conclusion, please remember, animals need the utmost care and

And failing this, try a little mustard or cranberry sauce.

Good night.

Her next door's husband's rambling again.

Oh, dear.

Is he violent?

Oh, no, I mean his hiking.

He's gone off up the downs with two young girls from a drains department.

I'm surprised she lets him go. Oh, she says he's too old to chase women up

mountains. I don't know, you get a man up a mountain with two girls wearing

little shorts.

They're bound to come down sooner or later.

Well, this is maybe, isn't it? She says the only trouble with his hiking all

these years is he's made his feet enormous.

His feet are so big, he has to put his trousers on over his head.

I'd like to see that.

Like the mountain with him.

Singing He Made Me Laugh, please welcome Marty Webb.

And it rains.

He made me laugh and laugh.

I had such fun.

And so did he.

Kidnapping on the high seas.

The mystery of the disappearing all -girls band, one of the most unusual

ever to completely outwit our two lethargic heroes, Charlie Farley and

Malone. A cruise liner, already in the Mediterranean with two detectives

is the unlikely venue of this weird and baffling mystery.

Piggy Malone, as always, was completely clueless. But Charlie Farley believed

that a drug was being administered in the food the girls of the orchestra ate

during the interval, and was even now taking steps to obtain a little

part of the ship. He is searching the bars for a suitable guinea pig to try

drugged food to see if it really does relax the victim sufficiently to agree

anything. He is even now approaching a large redhead pretending he thinks she

one of the orchestra only to find that she's pretty relaxed already.

Evening. Hello, sailor.

What do you play?

What? What do you want to play?

No, I thought you were a member of the orchestra.

Not me.

I don't play second fiddle to anyone.

Oh, sorry.

Haven't you got a seat?

One of the best, but I've got nowhere to put it.

Hold it up there, shall we?

Drink? Oh, my legs are dropping off. What I really need is a screwdriver.

Do they look false?

No.

What's all this about a screwdriver, then? It's a drink, lovey. Vodka and

juice. Oh, I see.

One large screwdriver, please, and I'll have a brown ale.

No. I'm starving.

How are you?

Perhaps you'd like to join me later on deck for a sandwich.

A sandwich?

That's what you call it.

What's in it for me, then?

Depends, doesn't it?

Corned beef?

was, didn't they?

Well, I daren't leave, dare I, for fear of being spotted.

As it was, I had to sit through the whole overture to Tannhauser. You didn't

have to sit through your knee sandwiches, though, did you?

Well, there was no other way.

As it was, a drunk spotted me, came over and proposed.

Married? No, not married, no.

Something very similar.

Well, I'll have to do. I'm carrying out this test later. I've got a heavy date

with a bird. A date?

Yeah, with a heavy bird.

If these really are dry... They should relax her enough to agree to anything,

shouldn't they?

Perhaps I can iron them.

How was that one?

Good. But then anything's good to me.

I should diet.

Do you diet?

Yeah, I'm on a seafood diet.

Seafood and I eat it.

Not while I'm eating.

I mean a roll, you know, a French roll.

Oh, great.

Well, look at all that water.

Yeah, and that's only the top of it.

Well, this is a special one, this is.

That's got everything in it.

Oh, you've been sitting on this one till last.

Well, not me, exactly.

Looks like somebody ironed it.

Well,

that's a lot.

Beautiful.

Tell me, are you... unattached?

No. Just sloppily put together, I guess.

Well, how do you feel?

Full.

Yeah, but I mean, don't you feel anything else?

Feel like pushing the boat up?

The boat is out, isn't it?

Yeah, but what I mean is, is the situation getting to you?

The ocean?

Aren't you getting some other kind of feeling?

I'll tell you what I am getting.

What?

Wind.

So once again, our overweight hero has guessed wrong. The food is not drunk.

even as the two non -plus nincompoops are busy wondering what to do next, the

girls start disappearing even more rapidly.

Okay.

But now, finally, the liner had reached its exotic destination, and even as it

prepared to dock, suddenly, at last, a clue.

Piggy finds a card in his pocket. Where did it come from? Who planted it there?

He quickly shows it to Charlie, whose brilliant powers of deduction

spring into action.

It's a card we're writing on it.

If you want to know what's happening to the girls, go to this place in the town

and show them this card with the password.

It's a Chinese restaurant.

Chinese?

The white slaver was Chinese, according to Mrs. Hickstead.

Bumpstead. Don't you start.

What are we supposed to show them then? This dragon thing on the back there? No,

no, that's a sort of trademark.

Wait a minute, there's some numbers here.

Probably a code.

Just get my code book out.

Let's have a look. Now, let us assume, shall we, that letter A represents one.

Now, the numbers down here are 3, 15, 23, 6, 21, 20.

That's, um, that works. That's cow -fut.

Cow -fut?

Cow -fut, yes.

It's a bit odd, that, really, isn't it? Cow -fut.

Probably China's name.

Could be his address for all we know.

No, no, no, the address. That's the address there.

Is it? Yeah.

Well, that's where we're going, isn't it?

To the Chinese quarter.

To the

Chinese

quarter. Are Piggy and Charlie at last on to something? Who tipped them off?

Is the kidnapping of the girls really part of a big Chinese takeaway plan?

And has the blind man got his eye on them?

Don't miss next week's titillating episode of Band of Slaves.

Ethel?

What is it, Arnold?

Thou'st been mullikin'.

What? There's talk.

What talk?

There's them as says that you's keeping fancy man outside.

Fancy man?

Me? Where would I keep a fancy man?

Inco, what happened?

Give over, you daft ape.

I don't have no truck with fancy men.

What about Archie Grimshaw?

Archie Grimshaw?

That were 12 years since.

Oh, shut up and feet, dog. Aye, feet, dog, that's all I'm good for, feet and

dog. Hey, come on, Towsie, wake up, you mangy cur. Come on, get up.

Don't call him mangy. You don't like it.

Oh, well, come on, lad, get up. At least in these times. Come on, time for your

doggy chunks. Come on.

He doesn't like doggy chunks. Now, give him something decent. Decent? Give him

something decent? You know what he had yesterday? He had roast beef, he had

Yorkshire pudding, he had two veg and sherry trifle. You see him cock up his

ears at the sound of sherry trifle? Young dog's an alcoholic.

Hey, listen, Ethel. Things is all right between thee and me, aren't they,

lassie? Oh, you daft cluck. Of course they are.

I mean, all this talk about me having a little piece, I'm fried.

Where would I find that? In McElthwaite? You. You.

Hey, calm this in.

Calm this in. Don't tick on so, Towsie. Don't tick off. Do you reckon he's

jealous, love?

Don't be daft. He's a dog.

Stop scratching, Towsie.

There's something funny about young dog.

What do you mean by that?

put my finger on it.

On what?

Well, he's not like other dogs, is he? I mean, I come in yesterday and he was

sitting in the front room there in the rocking chair, bald as brass, reading

newspaper.

Last Christmas Eve, he had his arm round thee.

Oh, well, that were only natural.

He'd had too much Tetley's Best Bitter.

Hey,

wait a minute. He's always got his arm round thee. If I go up to Wally Clacker,

of an evening, I don't see their dog sitting on the sofa with his arm round

Winnie Clackhandle.

Well, of course not. It's a bloody chihuahua, ain't it?

Yes, I'd forgotten that. Yes, that's quite true, yes.

Yes, it's a long way round Winnie Clackhandle for a chihuahua.

Just shut up and have a fag. No, thanks, no. I'm trying to give them up.

It's the price of dog food that's doing it. I can't afford it, we said.

There's something worrying me about that dog. I don't know what it is.

I know what it is.

We've never taken him down to the vets to be done, have we?

Just a nicky smoking.

So what?

That a dog on Esther Anson says sausages.

Sausages?

I'm not going to sit here in my own parlour discussing things with a damn

He's talking to me.

All right, that's it. I'll admit it.

I'm fed up.

Absolutely fed up.

Call about an old horse.

Listen, I knew there was something fishy going on here.

Hey, you're Archie Grimshaw.

Hey, so it is.

Archie Grimshaw, you've been living here free for 12 years, man and dog, haven't

you?

I've been going out earning your doggy chunks. You've been having your filthy

paws around my apple.

Don't think it's been easy. Twelve years running after sticks, fetch, die for

queens, live for country. Been an absolutely bloody dog fly.

Listen, I've been taking you out round park, haven't I? I've had more cold

than you have had hot dinners. Haven't had very hot dinners since I've been

here, I tell you that. And you killed the apple tree, didn't you? All right,

right.

All right, lads, you just thought it out. I'm going to see a man about

man.

Listen, listen, Mr.

Grimshaw, you're out. You're out of this door tomorrow morning and you can take

your rubber bone with you. I don't think so. Oh, you don't think so? Then it's

down the PDSA for you, lad. Nay, don't you forget this. I know about you and

Winnie Clackhandle.

Winnie Clackhandle? Yes.

Every Friday, Nick raffles at bingo. Who is on Matt the Smelly Old Bone?

Me. Who is on sofa?

Well, Winnie Clackhandle, thee.

Maybe I've been a bit hasty. I've been a little hasty with you. Fair do's,

Towser. Archie.

Listen, all right, you can stay here. You can do what you like in the house,

know what I mean. But you must be a dog for its neighbours, all right? Done.

Absolutely done, yes. Right.

Only on one condition.

No more outings to Crofts. We've been there seven times.

The best we've done is got one smelly rotten lousy third place.

Listen, you had your belly stroked by Clement Freud, didn't you?

Many of us have had that honour.

All right, then. No jealousies, eh? No jealousy. Live and let live. Put your

little paw there.

Oh, well, it depends.

Well, that's nice.

Well, I'm going to feed cats.

Tiddles? Yeah, baby.

Tonight

I'd

like, if I may, to relate a joke exactly as it was told to me by our producer.

Well, not exactly, because...

I must be honest, I have to say this, that since he told me this story, he has

stopped drying his nail varnish.

No, he has also stopped drinking.

In fact, these days, he is abstemious to a fault.

He even takes soda with a scotch egg.

Now, we all have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I've been on a bit of a

health kick myself recently.

Filter tip sausages, that sort of thing.

I have also been trying a bit of heat therapy.

Bought one of those sun ray lamps, you know.

I was actually recommended to me by a BBC weather forecaster.

It's quite interesting.

No, it's quite interesting. You leave it on for six minutes, then it turns into

a shower.

Now, which reminds me, this actually reminds me of an incident I wanted to

you about, because the other afternoon, I was lying in the bath.

Thinking to myself, my God, isn't nature wonderful?

Playing I Spy with the window cleaner.

My wife, my wife Anne, was downstairs having one of her socks, to be honest.

I'm afraid we'd had a bit of a row the other morning.

The postman had delivered my weekly stack of fan mail.

One letter. And on the front of the envelope it had got... To the funniest

on television.

My wife had sent it back, Mark, not known at this address.

I was in the bar when all of a sudden the phone rang and it was the producer

the line. He said to me, is that you, dear?

He calls me dear.

Obviously he hasn't read my contract.

He was actually ringing up to ask if I want to go on this year's BBC

staff outing.

Every year the BBC organised one of these military trips.

For £6 .50 you get a skateboard and a blindfold.

Now this year they were trying something a little bit different.

An out -of -season day trip to Cleethorpes.

So I rather foolishly said I'd go.

And of course it was a total disaster. Things got off to a very shaky start.

We went to the local fairground.

The producer's secretary came down the helter -skelter too fast.

and screwed herself into the floor.

Then the head of comedy... I'm sorry, you're making up your own jokes.

The head of comedy... The head of comedy, who's a little bit on the snooty

the sort of man who eats candy floss with a knife and fork, he refused to go

into the Hall of Mirrors because he never sees himself without an

I can tell you things weren't any lively when we went on the beach, to be

honest. Punch and Judy Puppets were both away at an Equity Branch meeting.

And in fact, the most exciting moment of the whole trip came when one of the

make -up girls decided to do a spot of sunbathing, being a little bit self

-conscious about her rather flat figure.

Instead of a bikini top, she wore two magnifying glasses.

and was arrested for making a spectacle of herself.

It was during this outing the producer happened to tell me this joke, and it is

all about this old Scottish minister up in the Highlands who is one day

delivering a sermon to his assembled parishioners on the subject of what to

if you hunger after sex.

Keep a tin of biscuits on the bedside.

No, he didn't say that.

But nevertheless, it was a very thrilling sermon.

And after it was all over, there's a lady in the audience writing it down.

After it was all over, this magnificent sermon, his young curate came up and he

said, that was the most brilliant thing, he said, I've ever heard that. He said,

how I wish, he said, I had the confidence to deliver, the oratory to

sermon like that. So the minister takes the curate back into the church, and

from a little ledge behind the pulpit, he takes out a glass full of what looks

like water, but is in fact gin.

And the old minister said, he said, before you get up to speak, he said,

just take a wee snort of this, this wee gin, he said, it'll give you all the

confidence you need.

So the following sound of a young curate delivers his sermon, you see, and

throughout he keeps having a little sip of the gin, you see, throughout the

sermon. And afterwards, he finishes it all. Afterwards, he goes to ask the

minister how it went. The old minister said, he said, well, it was very, very

vivid, son.

Very, very moving.

Very, very good sermon. He said, just one or two points. One or two teeny

totty wee points.

What would you like to make? He said, first of all, when you finish your

he said, I'd rather you didn't tear your notes up and throw them at the

congregation.

He said, and when you leave the pulpit, it's better to walk down the steps, not

slide down the banister.

And he said, the correct phrase is that David slew Goliath. He didn't knock

seven bloody bells out.

And finally, remember, he said, that David's sling was full of shot.

Then,

quick! In the terrible teeny time.

I look distinctly odd.

I'm ever so weenie and terribly teeny. I'm miniature Sweeney Todd.

So we don't love it, am I? I bake a tasty pie.

You're certain to love it, or else you can shove it. It's certainly worth a

A life you can't forget.

The best you've ever had.

You'll find it in front of the good food guide as well as the police gazette.

The terrible tale of Teeny Todd.

The terrible tale of Teeny Todd.

I train with speed and ease. A flick of the wrist and that's one, please. And a

shot and done.

He's a terrible kid in his heart.

Pussy, pussy, pussy.

Here, pussy, nice pussy, nice pussy, pussy.

Pussy, pussy, pussy. Please love it.

If you're from the butcher, the meat's too dear.

Pussy, pussy, pussy.

Excuse me, this pie is purring.

Oh, that's where it's got to.

What can I do for you, darling?

come to see you about the postcard.

Postcard? Yes, the adverts in the newsagents. Oh, if your French maid

position, that's next door.

I am young widow with double front, professional gentleman accommodating.

you a professional gentleman, dear?

I'm more of a small businessman.

I'm Mr. Todd the barber.

Todd? That's odd.

We had a lodger called Todd.

A Mr.

Sweeney Todd.

Are you any relation, Mr. T?

Relation? I'm teeny -tod.

He's brother.

No, he's half -brother.

Did he ever mention our little arrangement?

Arrangement? Yes, our... Arrangement.

Your... Arrangement? Yes. No, he never mentioned that.

To help to one another, I can send the occasional client up for a shave.

And I can pop a few down to you.

Partner!

We are opening a brand new business.

The premises are all complete.

I'm downstairs with the pastry shop.

And I'm up there with a quick chop.

We certainly have no business.

The competition's hard to beat.

And if I drop a tang on everybody now and then?

I'm certain we can make ends meet.

Thank you, bestie. The premises are all up, sweet.

I'm upstairs with a chair, of course.

And I'm down here with a eight -piece suit.

I'm in the tip -top service.

So cut along and take a seat.

A little bit of lava and a smile and whoops.

I'm certain we can make ends meet.

In my barbershop high in the sky, it's a rollicking parade that I fly.

If the customers fret and the feeling upset, when I get my Gillette, they end

nice as pie.

There's no end to the things you can try.

Have a short back and side on the slide.

Have a rinse and a rave. Have a shampoo and shave. Or a permanent wave of

goodbye.

you can trust.

Each eye's a nice surprise with plenty of body and crust.

You think you're a pie and possibly choose your friends.

Try the penny one's could be anyone's rump or little best end.

I learned from a barber called Snacker.

He shaved with high speed and a leer.

First lesson was, what's this here, Razor?

The second was, where's that there ear?

Oh!

Sing down, sing down. Oh, sing down a body to me.

Here's one, it looks a nice plump one to me.

That's a nice several, Barbara.

Most of the shames wasn't bad, but last night in the shop with two sailors was

the closest shame I've ever had.

See, we'd love it for lovely pies, a thrifty cook, am I?

No waste, just flaky paste and a finger in every pie.

McDonald's with more to munch.

While I'm labouring, get a neighbour and have somebody for lunch.

Got no worries and got no cares.

Lots of profit in barber's chairs because truculent bristles make

bristles and us into millionaires.

Police! Police!

The factories of the Kent police are the constable covered in lather. Is it kiss

-me -quick at the local nick in a bit of algebra?

Is it here she's born to a terrible tod and the watery eye of a warder? No, it's

Turnham Green Police Canteen. They're going to place an order.

So it's doodle -oo from the boys in blue in Paddington Range and Buckney.

They're all replying to catering sides and serving a buck is gutsy. So you have

to pay, not today, and give the chair for the squad's fun.

Well, that's just about all we have time for tonight, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, I'm

afraid it is. But before we go, just three late items of news.

At tonight's old -timers tennis championships at the Albert Hall, Fred

dentures fell out.

Then Yaroslav Drobny's dentures fell out twice, and he went on to win by two

sets to one.

Awkward news from Surrey tonight.

The Farnham housewife who's gone on the new mini -pill is in the family way. And

the Basingstoke woman who's on the new jumbo -pill is in everybody's way.

Finally, the economy, and a London hotel...

today reports that business is so bad that the management is stealing towels

from the guests.

Next week we'll be talking to the man who went on an oysters -only diet to

improve his sex life, but now he only makes love when there's an hour in the

month.

And we'll have the honour of meeting Michael Foote, who has just been

chairman of the International Year of the Dishevelled.

Good night from me. And it's good night from him. Good night.

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