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00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:31,989
Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed
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00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:35,629
it is. And in a packed program tonight,
we shall be meeting the horsewoman who's
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00:00:35,630 --> 00:00:39,360
covered her horse with lettuce and
tomato because she wanted to ride side
4
00:00:41,150 --> 00:00:46,249
We'll be talking to a man who crossed a
padded bra with plaster of Paris and got
5
00:00:46,250 --> 00:00:47,810
a completely false impression.
6
00:00:47,811 --> 00:00:52,709
And we had hoped to have been bringing
you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this
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00:00:52,710 --> 00:00:55,960
afternoon he crawled across a tartan rug
and died of exhaustion.
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00:00:59,690 --> 00:01:00,740
But first, the news.
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00:01:00,970 --> 00:01:05,389
West Mersey, a police, announced tonight
that they wish to interview a man
10
00:01:05,390 --> 00:01:07,570
wearing high heels and frilly knickers.
11
00:01:07,950 --> 00:01:11,260
But the chief constable says they must
wear their normal uniform.
12
00:01:13,410 --> 00:01:16,410
The Income Tax Records Office caught
fire today.
13
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:20,480
Reports state that almost two firemen
fought the blaze for over a minute.
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00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:27,439
And now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie
Barker, whose family theatrical
15
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:31,120
started when his grandfather went to
America and got stage struck.
16
00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:33,180
He was run over by Wells Fargo.
17
00:01:43,420 --> 00:01:44,470
Sixteen across.
18
00:01:46,020 --> 00:01:49,580
It's green and often found on football
pitches.
19
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,080
Five letters.
20
00:01:51,710 --> 00:01:53,630
G -R -A something something.
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00:01:55,570 --> 00:01:58,350
Green, often found on football pitches.
22
00:01:59,530 --> 00:02:03,430
G -R -A something something.
23
00:02:07,310 --> 00:02:08,360
Grandstand?
24
00:02:09,729 --> 00:02:13,690
That's too long, grandstand. No. G -R -A
something something.
25
00:02:14,070 --> 00:02:15,870
Groth. What?
26
00:02:16,110 --> 00:02:18,770
Groth. A child of five can say it's
groth.
27
00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:22,219
Excuse me, I mean, who's doing this
crossword? Me or you?
28
00:02:22,220 --> 00:02:26,279
Well, would you try not to talk so loud,
please? We're all trying to do proper
29
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:27,330
crosswords here.
30
00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:28,430
Oh, I'm sorry.
31
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,490
Oh, sorry.
32
00:02:29,491 --> 00:02:33,059
Proper crosswords. What do you mean by
that, proper crosswords? I'm trying to
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00:02:33,060 --> 00:02:36,899
the Mephistopheles in the Financial
Times, a crossword which you wouldn't
34
00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:37,950
where to start.
35
00:02:37,951 --> 00:02:41,599
As it happens, I could do any crossword
put in front of me, including Mrs. Dr.
36
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:42,650
Dauntless.
37
00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:49,410
Just happens. that I prefer the sun,
junior coffee time, easy clues, that's
38
00:02:50,150 --> 00:02:51,530
It's just a matter of taste.
39
00:02:51,930 --> 00:02:52,980
The sun.
40
00:02:53,210 --> 00:02:54,890
People only buy that for one thing.
41
00:02:55,650 --> 00:02:56,970
Rather, a couple of things.
42
00:02:58,870 --> 00:02:59,920
Two across.
43
00:02:59,970 --> 00:03:01,410
There you are. See what I mean?
44
00:03:03,490 --> 00:03:07,830
They peck holes in your milk bottle
tops.
45
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,420
Something something T -S.
46
00:03:23,180 --> 00:03:25,560
That's a typical sun clue, that is.
47
00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:30,090
Peck holes in your milk bottle top,
sunny sunny T -S.
48
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:31,390
Bats.
49
00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:35,390
Bats.
50
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,010
Bats.
51
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:41,020
Since when did you last see a bat peck a
hole in your milk bottle top?
52
00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:43,600
Well, it might do if it was hungry.
53
00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:45,540
You're the one that's bats.
54
00:03:46,890 --> 00:03:49,550
answer to that clue, I suggest you look
at page three.
55
00:03:50,670 --> 00:03:55,030
Now, please try to resist as I am
attempting to concentrate.
56
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:08,530
It's red, it smells, and it's often
picked in the garden. Four letters,
57
00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:10,790
something, O -S -E.
58
00:04:20,611 --> 00:04:22,659
It's rose.
59
00:04:22,660 --> 00:04:23,710
Rose. It's obvious.
60
00:04:23,940 --> 00:04:27,060
It's red, it smells, and it's often
picked in the garden. Rose.
61
00:04:27,740 --> 00:04:28,820
Well, it could be nose.
62
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,440
You know, I've never seen anything like
that, Crosford.
63
00:04:37,441 --> 00:04:41,939
I've really never seen anything like it.
I mean, you've got it all absolutely
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00:04:41,940 --> 00:04:44,410
wrong. I mean, look. Look what you've
got here. Look.
65
00:04:44,540 --> 00:04:46,080
Place where fish are kept.
66
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:47,490
You've got coop.
67
00:04:49,391 --> 00:04:53,539
you last hear of fish being kept in a
coop?
68
00:04:53,540 --> 00:04:58,860
Co -op, yes. Fish are kept for co -op.
69
00:04:59,860 --> 00:05:04,959
What's this one here? You've got a
strange animal found in a hive. You've
70
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,010
queer bee.
71
00:05:08,660 --> 00:05:10,120
Well, but it's queen.
72
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,560
Well, it's the same thing. Oh, no, it's
not.
73
00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:17,220
Certainly not down my road, it's not.
74
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,660
Queen, it has to be queen because of the
N on the end.
75
00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:25,619
fits in with the clue that goes down,
you see. Look, he always plays with big
76
00:05:25,620 --> 00:05:26,670
ears.
77
00:05:27,580 --> 00:05:28,630
Roddy?
78
00:05:32,780 --> 00:05:34,580
Roddy? It's Noddy, you fool.
79
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:40,260
Roddy in Toyland. No, it's not Roddy in
Toyland, it's Noddy. Roddy in Toyland,
80
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:42,260
big ears, a piecey plop.
81
00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:47,540
know anything, PC Plod was naughty.
82
00:05:47,541 --> 00:05:50,739
His name is Roddy. Of course he's
naughty. His name is Noddy. He was
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00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:54,259
Noddy because he had a bell on his hat,
and every time he nodded, it rang. He
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00:05:54,260 --> 00:05:55,959
used to go, hello, I'm little Noddy.
85
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,420
I'm little Noddy, not Noddy.
86
00:05:57,421 --> 00:06:01,319
All right, all right, I'm sorry. I do
apologize. It's this man who's driving
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00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,370
mad.
88
00:06:02,371 --> 00:06:07,649
I've only got one clue left. Oh, good.
Terrific. Now, look, ladies and
89
00:06:07,650 --> 00:06:10,829
gentlemen, if we just help him with this
last clue, do you think he'll shut up?
90
00:06:10,830 --> 00:06:14,389
We'll ask him. If we help you with this
clue, will you shut up? I promise. Oh,
91
00:06:14,390 --> 00:06:17,169
good. He's promised. Go on, then. What's
your last clue? Go on.
92
00:06:17,170 --> 00:06:23,210
Six across, four letters, often found in
the bottom of a birdcage.
93
00:06:27,890 --> 00:06:29,770
Something, something, I .T.
94
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,010
Great.
95
00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,170
Excellent.
96
00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:44,780
Great, of course.
97
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,020
Has anybody got a rubber?
98
00:06:54,471 --> 00:06:56,499
Hello, love.
99
00:06:56,500 --> 00:06:58,020
Hello. No, it's me.
100
00:06:58,660 --> 00:07:00,220
It's me, love. Aye, aye, it's me.
101
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,160
Look, I'm sorry I didn't ring you last
night.
102
00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:04,820
No, I wasn't in pub.
103
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:07,960
I say I wasn't in pub.
104
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,500
Look, I can't shout. I'm in pub.
105
00:07:11,820 --> 00:07:14,650
Look, I haven't come in for a drink.
I've come to phone you.
106
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,840
Because phone box by the duck pond has
been vandalised.
107
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:20,410
Vandalised.
108
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:22,620
Vandalised. V for virgin.
109
00:07:23,780 --> 00:07:25,600
Virgin. No, I wasn't with a virgin.
110
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:30,380
I said V for virgin is the first letter
of vandalised.
111
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,680
Vandalised. V for victory.
112
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:35,400
A for anthea.
113
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,630
Anthea? No, I wasn't with a girl called
Anthea.
114
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,720
No, she's not a virgin, love, no.
115
00:07:42,740 --> 00:07:47,659
I haven't scored a victory over anyone,
love. There's no such person. Now, don't
116
00:07:47,660 --> 00:07:48,980
start getting jealous now.
117
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,100
Eh? You what?
118
00:07:50,101 --> 00:07:52,819
Oh, you heard that, did you?
119
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:56,239
Yeah, I didn't say I wasn't having a
drink, love. I said I hadn't come in for
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00:07:56,240 --> 00:08:00,239
drink. No, but the phone's in the pub,
you see, so you've got to have a drink
121
00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:01,290
use the phone.
122
00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:03,200
Who saw me in the bull last night?
123
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,740
Oh, well, I did pop into the bull to use
the toilet.
124
00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:09,560
Can't shout, I'm in pub, love.
125
00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:13,400
Toilet. The public one's shut, it's been
vandalised.
126
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:21,200
Vandal... I had a drink because you
can't just go into a pub to use toilet.
127
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,350
Aye, I just popped into the crown as
well, but only to use toilet.
128
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:28,280
I needed toilet in the crown.
129
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,460
I had a drink in bull when I used...
130
00:08:34,159 --> 00:08:36,209
I had to have a drink in the Crown to
use it.
131
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,559
All I had were two stouts.
132
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,059
Nobody's two stout, love.
133
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,450
I had two.
134
00:08:43,220 --> 00:08:44,960
I didn't have anybody, love.
135
00:08:46,140 --> 00:08:47,520
You're being unreasonable.
136
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,480
Well, everybody here thinks so.
137
00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:52,600
Yes, you're being unreasonable by 14
votes to two, love.
138
00:08:52,940 --> 00:08:56,839
That's all abstained. Listen, why I'm
ringing... Yes, of course I'm ringing to
139
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,660
tell you I love you, love. And to say
that I bought a bed.
140
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:04,990
Brass. A big one from this dealer I met.
No, not Sheila, love. Dealer.
141
00:09:05,930 --> 00:09:07,310
Why did I mention her, what?
142
00:09:07,970 --> 00:09:09,470
No, I said brass, love.
143
00:09:09,690 --> 00:09:10,740
Brass.
144
00:09:11,410 --> 00:09:13,310
No, the bed's big, not the brass.
145
00:09:14,230 --> 00:09:18,020
Well, you're always saying it's worn
out, aren't you, this spring's gone?
146
00:09:18,070 --> 00:09:23,149
No, not mine. I'm not worn out, love.
No, our old bed. You know, the new one
147
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:27,289
in me brother Fred's shed, you see. Yes,
but it can't stay there, you see. I'm
148
00:09:27,290 --> 00:09:28,799
telling you, the bed in the shed.
149
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,659
No, I haven't been to bed with anyone in
Fred's shed. Love, the bed is in Fred's
150
00:09:32,660 --> 00:09:34,420
shed. It's in Fred's way.
151
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,860
Well, it's in the whole family's way.
152
00:09:37,980 --> 00:09:40,080
No, I haven't got anyone in the family.
153
00:09:41,460 --> 00:09:42,760
If I had, would I tell you?
154
00:09:42,761 --> 00:09:45,459
Well, look, who do you think I got in
the family?
155
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:49,360
Anthea? There is no Anthea. She is just
the second letter of vandalised, love.
156
00:09:49,900 --> 00:09:51,820
I wish I'd just said it were bust.
157
00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:54,430
Bust.
158
00:09:54,780 --> 00:09:55,900
B for big.
159
00:09:56,550 --> 00:09:58,570
No, nobody's got a big bus, doll.
160
00:09:58,571 --> 00:10:02,889
Well, of course, some people have got a
big... But Anthea hasn't, and she isn't
161
00:10:02,890 --> 00:10:07,209
too stout, and I haven't vandalised her
in bed in Fred's shed, and I'll be home
162
00:10:07,210 --> 00:10:08,590
tomorrow. Tomorrow!
163
00:10:09,270 --> 00:10:10,410
Tea for toilet!
164
00:10:11,990 --> 00:10:14,690
Oh, for... Oh, for... Oh, forget it.
165
00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:16,300
Oh, dear.
166
00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:22,130
I think she's beginning to suspect
something, Anthea, love.
167
00:10:38,380 --> 00:10:43,220
Did the dentist take your wisdom tooth
out? Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah.
168
00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:45,860
Did he give you anything for it?
169
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,880
No, why is it worth anything?
170
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,800
No, I mean anesthetic.
171
00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:55,580
Oh, no, I refused it, no.
172
00:10:55,820 --> 00:10:57,400
I thought it might hurt.
173
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:03,279
Very considerate sort of chap, though,
you know. Instead of squirting water in
174
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,620
your mouth, he squirts whiskey.
175
00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:08,760
He never done that to me.
176
00:11:09,540 --> 00:11:13,460
No, he only does it as a special treat
during Christmas week.
177
00:15:04,491 --> 00:15:08,019
Who do you think paid for the Rolls
Royce?
178
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:10,359
Who paid off the mortgage for the
cottage in the country?
179
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,040
Who bought me that mink coat, eh?
180
00:15:12,300 --> 00:15:13,860
Who do you think paid for it all?
181
00:15:13,861 --> 00:15:14,999
Is this the man?
182
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:15,979
Yes, it is.
183
00:15:15,980 --> 00:15:19,290
Well, for heaven's sake, cover him up,
dear. He'll catch his death.
184
00:15:45,260 --> 00:15:46,780
The year is 2012.
185
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:51,760
England, once a land of heroes, has now
become a land of downtrodden men.
186
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,340
And who has trodden down on them? Women.
187
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,980
Women now rule the land with an iron
rolling pin.
188
00:15:57,981 --> 00:16:01,979
Aided by the commander of the dreaded
state police, they have completely
189
00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:06,640
subjugated men, forced them to wear the
frocks, even called them feminine names.
190
00:16:06,980 --> 00:16:08,030
No more heroes.
191
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:13,080
There remain only martyrs, hounded at
every turn by the dreaded secret police.
192
00:16:14,380 --> 00:16:18,479
However, our story concerns two
miserable specimens who refuse to
193
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,590
their claims to manhood, Janet and
Betty.
194
00:16:20,591 --> 00:16:26,239
Wanted by the secret police for crimes
against the state, they have been forced
195
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:27,500
to hide out in the country.
196
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:31,859
The police, however, track them down
after a callous betrayal by a former
197
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:33,420
chum, a girl called Jack.
198
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,720
However, they make a daring escape
inside a barrel.
199
00:16:37,140 --> 00:16:42,179
And as the brewery van drives them to
safety, Janet tells Betty of a glimmer
200
00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:43,790
hope. On the horizon.
201
00:16:45,470 --> 00:16:47,610
I've got an address of an organisation.
202
00:16:47,890 --> 00:16:49,390
An underground organisation.
203
00:16:49,450 --> 00:16:54,030
To hide us, we shall need fake papers, a
change of clothing and a lot of nerve.
204
00:16:54,031 --> 00:16:57,069
Where are they going to hide us? No,
they're not going to hide us. Even
205
00:16:57,070 --> 00:17:00,169
than that. They're going to give us a
chance to start a completely new life.
206
00:17:00,170 --> 00:17:01,470
Free. Completely free.
207
00:17:02,050 --> 00:17:05,250
How? They plan to smuggle us over the
border.
208
00:17:05,630 --> 00:17:06,680
You mean?
209
00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,119
Yes.
210
00:17:08,390 --> 00:17:09,440
Into Wales.
211
00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:15,669
And so, accompanied by Betty's brother
-in -law, Diana, our heroes visit a
212
00:17:15,670 --> 00:17:19,469
certain dress shop in a nearby market
town which specializes in the latest
213
00:17:19,470 --> 00:17:20,520
dresses for men.
214
00:17:50,741 --> 00:17:52,629
Can I help you, sir?
215
00:17:52,630 --> 00:17:56,350
Yes, my friend and I would both like
something in blue.
216
00:17:56,850 --> 00:17:57,900
Blue, sir?
217
00:17:59,710 --> 00:18:00,950
What kind of blue?
218
00:18:02,830 --> 00:18:03,880
True blue.
219
00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:07,440
I think we might have something to suit
you in the stockroom.
220
00:18:07,630 --> 00:18:08,680
It's upstairs.
221
00:18:09,390 --> 00:18:10,710
Follow me, would you, sir?
222
00:19:06,191 --> 00:19:07,879
With Armstrong.
223
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,560
But we prefer surnames only, huh?
224
00:19:09,561 --> 00:19:12,379
Chalmersby. Yes, I heard you were
coming.
225
00:19:12,380 --> 00:19:13,430
Cartwright. J .P.
226
00:19:13,940 --> 00:19:14,990
Oh, what's the P for?
227
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:18,430
Petula, I think. Oh, is it? That's
funny. I have an uncle, Petula.
228
00:19:18,431 --> 00:19:21,419
As I say, we've got Chalmers and
Cartwright, except, of course, we'll
229
00:19:21,420 --> 00:19:22,899
change the names on those papers.
230
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:24,639
Now, come round here and put up a couple
of chairs.
231
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:25,690
Come on.
232
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:29,530
Let's see.
233
00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:31,720
A couple of good Welsh names.
234
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:34,280
How about Yantel open for the dio in?
235
00:19:34,281 --> 00:19:38,509
out of a Welsh copy of the Yellow Pages
smuggled over the border last month.
236
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:40,250
Bag, bring some coffee, would you?
237
00:19:40,251 --> 00:19:41,549
That's Bag.
238
00:19:41,550 --> 00:19:42,890
Good man. Unfortunate name.
239
00:19:42,891 --> 00:19:45,749
Made even worse by his father,
christening him Edna.
240
00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:46,800
Edna Bag.
241
00:19:47,570 --> 00:19:49,800
And his own obscure reference to his
mother.
242
00:19:51,070 --> 00:19:52,120
Right, photos.
243
00:20:12,381 --> 00:20:14,579
take these off, will you?
244
00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:15,539
Ready, Thursday?
245
00:20:15,540 --> 00:20:16,590
Ready.
246
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,320
Good man, Bag.
247
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,600
Local chemist, you know.
248
00:20:21,601 --> 00:20:23,559
We've got a man in the developing
department.
249
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:24,610
Good chap.
250
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:25,850
Bit gay.
251
00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:27,500
And his original puffin boots.
252
00:20:27,501 --> 00:20:32,319
He's one of us, but he's also one of
them, if you know what I mean.
253
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:33,939
Now, who's going to do the talking?
254
00:20:33,940 --> 00:20:35,500
What, apart from you, you mean?
255
00:20:35,501 --> 00:20:36,639
At the border.
256
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:37,900
Best if any one of you talk.
257
00:20:38,340 --> 00:20:41,470
Oh, you better do that, Betty, old chap.
You do the Welsh accent.
258
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:44,630
He played the lead in Under Milk Wood at
the romantic club.
259
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,310
Mine always comes out sort of, you know,
Pakistani.
260
00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:50,610
Fine.
261
00:20:50,611 --> 00:20:53,959
Now, as a cover story, you're a couple
of Welshmen going across the border to
262
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,010
visit relatives.
263
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:56,410
Maybe a wedding.
264
00:20:56,411 --> 00:21:00,279
Wear a corsage of carnations. Oh, is
that the usual thing for weddings in
265
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,499
carnations? Oh, yes, yes, men always
wear them.
266
00:21:02,500 --> 00:21:05,359
Women tend to go for a leak at weddings.
Well, it's exciting.
267
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:07,160
Yes, well, carnations.
268
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,190
Melanie, two corsages of carnations for
Thursday.
269
00:21:10,231 --> 00:21:12,259
mean, Melanie?
270
00:21:12,260 --> 00:21:15,059
One pink, one white. White all right for
you, Chalmers? Yes, fine.
271
00:21:15,060 --> 00:21:16,620
White goes with anything, fine.
272
00:21:16,621 --> 00:21:17,639
All right?
273
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:21,719
Fine. Right. Now, keep it bright and
breezy, and above all, keep going when
274
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:22,659
you're across the border.
275
00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:26,450
You'll be met the other side by two of
our agents, Bob Newton and Ivor Jevons.
276
00:21:26,740 --> 00:21:28,560
Women? No, no, no, no. Men.
277
00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:31,000
Men. No female domination over there.
278
00:21:31,260 --> 00:21:32,580
Welsh men have men's names.
279
00:21:32,581 --> 00:21:36,439
That's why you're travelling as Deanto
and I, and not making them a fun way.
280
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:37,490
Any questions?
281
00:21:37,491 --> 00:21:41,639
Um, yes, I've got... question. Would you
mind very much if I brought Herbert
282
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:42,900
with me? He's my pet mouse.
283
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:44,090
I've got him here.
284
00:21:46,780 --> 00:21:49,000
I don't see why not.
285
00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:50,740
No quarantine restrictions.
286
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,670
But I shouldn't show him unless you have
to. He might decide to get awkward.
287
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:57,020
He doesn't squeak or anything, does he?
288
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:58,320
Oh, of course he doesn't.
289
00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,580
He's as quiet as a mouse.
290
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,080
and the barrier across the road.
291
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:32,079
Simply get out of the car, turn around,
and wave goodbye to us as if we'd given
292
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,490
you a lift, and then carry on towards
the guards.
293
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,910
Have your papers ready, and they don't
have so long to stare at you.
294
00:22:59,439 --> 00:23:00,819
Papers. Where are you going?
295
00:23:00,820 --> 00:23:05,019
Oh, we're going to a wedding, isn't it?
My next -door neighbour's niece,
296
00:23:05,020 --> 00:23:07,260
Blodwyn. Beautiful girl she is, yes.
297
00:23:07,261 --> 00:23:10,179
Outstanding, I might say, in every
direction.
298
00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:12,680
Lovely. Has to be squeezed to be
believed, it does.
299
00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:14,380
And only 17, too.
300
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,010
Ah, a minor.
301
00:23:16,180 --> 00:23:18,470
No, she's marrying a minor, isn't I,
Sprook?
302
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:19,850
What about you?
303
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,210
Oh, he's with me.
304
00:23:21,220 --> 00:23:24,740
I spoke to him. I know, but he's a bit
shy, is he? Shut up.
305
00:23:26,740 --> 00:23:27,940
You? Answer me.
306
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,880
Oh, yes, I'm definitely with my friend
here.
307
00:23:31,100 --> 00:23:32,360
Look, you need a witness.
308
00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:39,499
I'm on my way here on our way to Yakida
with my oppo here at the
309
00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:40,820
wedding, really.
310
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:43,260
You're not Welsh.
311
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:45,240
No, no, he's not. He's not.
312
00:23:45,540 --> 00:23:46,590
He's Indian.
313
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:52,039
Indian? Yes, his grandpa came over here,
you see, about, oh, in the 70s, I think
314
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:56,579
it was, and opened up a takeaway in
Merioneth since when the family have
315
00:23:56,580 --> 00:23:57,630
looked back.
316
00:23:57,900 --> 00:23:59,280
He doesn't look Indian.
317
00:23:59,940 --> 00:24:02,440
No, no, well, they've never looked black
either.
318
00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:06,059
Never looked black or black. Well,
there's all colours of Indians. There's
319
00:24:06,060 --> 00:24:07,700
Indians, there's white Indians.
320
00:24:07,701 --> 00:24:11,559
A lot of interbreeding goes on out
there, see. Well, it's the weather, you
321
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:14,320
Oh, he says, nothing else to do in the
rainy season.
322
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,360
Right, all right. Don't keep on.
323
00:24:18,180 --> 00:24:19,880
Go on. You're cleared.
324
00:24:27,740 --> 00:24:29,120
Just a minute.
325
00:24:34,580 --> 00:24:36,840
Well, well, well.
326
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,520
If it isn't the two worms that turned.
327
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,580
Come inside, please.
328
00:24:44,639 --> 00:24:46,160
Oh, God, that's the finish.
329
00:24:52,020 --> 00:24:54,280
What are you doing here? How did you
know?
330
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:59,360
A little bird told me. A little bird you
left tied up in her bathroom.
331
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,410
She said you'd head for the border, and
she was right.
332
00:25:02,900 --> 00:25:03,950
Guards!
333
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,000
This calls for a little celebration.
334
00:25:11,001 --> 00:25:14,739
Yes, Commander. Go into the village and
get me some champagne.
335
00:25:14,740 --> 00:25:17,000
Champagne? A magnum. A couple of
magnums.
336
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:21,280
I wish to celebrate with my two old
friends here.
337
00:25:21,500 --> 00:25:22,900
We have no transport.
338
00:25:23,260 --> 00:25:26,390
Well, take my car and hurry and make
sure the champagne is cold.
339
00:25:26,700 --> 00:25:28,990
Will you be all right here alone,
Commander?
340
00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,840
Of course. These are my friends. They
won't harm me.
341
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,090
Hurry.
342
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:36,760
Here, the keys.
343
00:25:52,401 --> 00:25:54,429
Why'd you do that?
344
00:25:54,430 --> 00:25:55,480
Why?
345
00:25:56,010 --> 00:26:01,069
Because, my dear Betty, the regulations
state that I'm not allowed to shoot you
346
00:26:01,070 --> 00:26:03,330
in cold blood. That wouldn't be justice.
347
00:26:03,770 --> 00:26:05,450
Since when has that bothered you?
348
00:26:05,690 --> 00:26:09,130
But if you try to escape, I can shoot
you in the back.
349
00:26:09,510 --> 00:26:11,190
And that's what you're going to do.
350
00:26:12,030 --> 00:26:14,910
That's why I sent away the witnesses, my
little friend.
351
00:26:15,550 --> 00:26:16,750
You can't do that.
352
00:26:17,310 --> 00:26:18,450
Why can't I?
353
00:26:19,110 --> 00:26:20,850
I might refuse to turn around.
354
00:26:21,390 --> 00:26:23,990
Then I shall shoot you in the front and
then the back.
355
00:26:25,830 --> 00:26:29,449
You have two minutes to live, both of
you. Is there anything either of you
356
00:26:29,450 --> 00:26:30,109
to say?
357
00:26:30,110 --> 00:26:32,250
Yes. There's something I'd like to say.
358
00:26:32,251 --> 00:26:36,389
Something which I know men all over
England would like to say to you.
359
00:26:36,390 --> 00:26:38,790
Whoever they are, wherever they may be.
360
00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:44,089
The rich man in his mansion, the poor
man in his lowly cottage. I know I speak
361
00:26:44,090 --> 00:26:45,410
for all of them when I say...
362
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:51,210
amusing.
363
00:26:51,420 --> 00:26:54,800
You know where you're going to get the
first bullet as you walk away.
364
00:26:56,780 --> 00:27:02,139
Well, and have you got an insult for me?
Something that will make sure you get
365
00:27:02,140 --> 00:27:03,460
shot in the raspberry too?
366
00:27:04,220 --> 00:27:07,100
No. Mine's in the nature of a last
request.
367
00:27:08,220 --> 00:27:09,340
How romantic.
368
00:27:10,420 --> 00:27:11,470
What is it?
369
00:27:12,020 --> 00:27:15,560
I want to smoke a pipe full of tobacco
before I die.
370
00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:19,600
You know that pipe smoking by men is a
crime.
371
00:27:20,020 --> 00:27:21,880
Well, you can always send me to prison.
372
00:27:22,540 --> 00:27:24,590
After you've shot me in the back, that
is.
373
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:27,170
You're right.
374
00:27:27,260 --> 00:27:30,020
It doesn't really apply in your case,
does it?
375
00:27:30,380 --> 00:27:32,860
Certainly. Go ahead. Smoke your pipe.
376
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:40,379
Tobacco. The age -old masculine weakness
that brought the arrogant male
377
00:27:40,380 --> 00:27:41,920
eventually to his knees.
378
00:27:42,590 --> 00:27:46,610
And allowed women to assume their
rightful place in society as rulers.
379
00:27:47,270 --> 00:27:48,730
Rulers through strength.
380
00:27:49,170 --> 00:27:54,069
Strength. The might of womanhood will
prevail for the very reason that we are
381
00:27:54,070 --> 00:27:55,570
invested with many strengths.
382
00:27:56,910 --> 00:27:58,110
Strengths of character.
383
00:27:58,650 --> 00:27:59,700
Strengths of will.
384
00:28:00,470 --> 00:28:01,730
Strengths of purpose.
385
00:28:02,390 --> 00:28:05,830
Greater strengths than mere men could
ever achieve.
386
00:28:06,170 --> 00:28:07,950
We are invincible.
387
00:28:08,470 --> 00:28:09,520
We have...
388
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:12,980
You have one, this one.
389
00:28:50,570 --> 00:28:53,290
There used to be a play once called Of
Mice and Men.
390
00:28:53,970 --> 00:29:00,049
Very famous. Who knows, one day,
Herbert, you may be even more famous as
391
00:29:00,050 --> 00:29:01,130
mouse who saved a man.
392
00:29:02,030 --> 00:29:03,080
Two men.
393
00:29:04,570 --> 00:29:05,950
That's the whole of mankind.
394
00:29:12,870 --> 00:29:14,170
Guard her well, Herbert.
395
00:29:14,690 --> 00:29:18,850
And if she moves a muscle, straight up
her trouser leg.
396
00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:35,200
And so ends the tale of the worm that
turned.
397
00:29:35,620 --> 00:29:36,670
Or does it?
398
00:29:36,780 --> 00:29:39,380
Was it just a story? Or will it happen?
399
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:41,160
That is in the future.
400
00:29:41,460 --> 00:29:45,140
For the present, our heroes are safe in
a new land.
401
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:54,220
Safe in a land where men are men and
women are glad of it.
402
00:29:54,420 --> 00:29:59,999
A land where women constantly keep a
welcome in the hillside and something
403
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:01,260
in the oven.
404
00:30:54,030 --> 00:30:55,290
See the telly last night?
405
00:30:56,250 --> 00:30:57,300
Yeah.
406
00:30:58,270 --> 00:31:01,430
One of those boring so -called modern
plays.
407
00:31:01,730 --> 00:31:04,270
Yeah. No story, no plot, no ending.
408
00:31:05,470 --> 00:31:09,489
Just a load of old morons, you know,
sitting about there jabbering about
409
00:31:09,490 --> 00:31:10,540
nothing. Yeah.
410
00:31:10,650 --> 00:31:12,350
Real -life drama, they call it.
411
00:31:12,750 --> 00:31:16,869
Real -life drama, my foot. You don't get
people in real life just sitting about
412
00:31:16,870 --> 00:31:20,420
jabbering about nothing, do you? Of
course you don't. Real -life drama.
413
00:31:21,130 --> 00:31:23,600
Everything they say in those plays, they
repeat.
414
00:31:24,310 --> 00:31:26,780
Everything they say in those plays, they
repeat.
415
00:31:28,390 --> 00:31:29,440
Everything.
416
00:31:29,670 --> 00:31:30,830
Real life drama.
417
00:31:31,630 --> 00:31:32,680
Blaming ridiculous.
418
00:31:34,990 --> 00:31:39,670
Do they think that in real life, people
repeat everything they say? I ask you.
419
00:31:41,270 --> 00:31:43,650
Do they think in real life, people
repeat...
420
00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:49,499
Everything they say, I mean, I ask you.
Over and over again. Yeah, over and over
421
00:31:49,500 --> 00:31:50,800
again. Over and over again.
422
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:55,559
I mean, you don't get people in real
life repeating things like that over and
423
00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:57,540
over again. Not over and over again.
424
00:31:58,740 --> 00:32:00,300
Not in real life, do you?
425
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:04,319
Do you know, in some of those plays,
I've seen them repeat the same thing
426
00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:07,820
times. Three times they repeat the same
thing.
427
00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:10,240
They repeat the same thing.
428
00:32:12,591 --> 00:32:17,559
Last night, they repeat the same thing
four times.
429
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:19,540
Four times they repeat the same thing.
430
00:32:20,020 --> 00:32:21,860
Four times. Yeah, four times.
431
00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:24,130
Flaming ridiculous.
432
00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:28,850
Don't try to tell me that sort of thing
happens in real life.
433
00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:30,740
Flaming boring repetition.
434
00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:33,250
Flaming boring repetition, that's all it
is.
435
00:32:33,580 --> 00:32:34,630
Flaming boring.
436
00:32:34,780 --> 00:32:36,160
Yeah, flaming boring.
437
00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:03,280
Tonight I'd like to tell you a very,
very funny joke.
438
00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:08,679
No, no, this is the sort of joke which
will still be loved and enjoyed even
439
00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:09,880
it's a hundred years old.
440
00:33:10,460 --> 00:33:11,620
A week next Tuesday.
441
00:33:13,780 --> 00:33:15,660
Why do I bother?
442
00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:18,240
Why do I carry on every week?
443
00:33:18,241 --> 00:33:22,239
When you consider three times the money
I could go and work for British Rail.
444
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:26,060
Who says crime doesn't pay? Anyway, if I
had gone...
445
00:33:26,330 --> 00:33:29,790
Now, if I'd gone... I didn't say that
very loud. Did you notice that?
446
00:33:30,870 --> 00:33:37,669
If I'd gone into films by now, I could
have matured into a huge international
447
00:33:37,670 --> 00:33:38,720
sex symbol.
448
00:33:41,790 --> 00:33:42,840
You can laugh.
449
00:33:44,150 --> 00:33:45,200
You can laugh.
450
00:33:45,850 --> 00:33:48,500
Did they explain that when you came in?
You can laugh.
451
00:33:49,990 --> 00:33:51,040
But...
452
00:33:54,860 --> 00:33:56,420
I'm laughing. Won't you join us?
453
00:33:56,600 --> 00:34:01,559
For a strange quirk, but for a strange
quirk of fate, I could have been the new
454
00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:02,720
Charles Bronson.
455
00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:07,330
If the old one had been a pint -sized
comedian wearing glasses.
456
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:11,879
Actually, I'm being unfair to myself
again there. All these stories I put
457
00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:16,198
about being small. I mean, when I say
that for three months I served as a shop
458
00:34:16,199 --> 00:34:17,459
steward on a silicon chip.
459
00:34:19,580 --> 00:34:22,860
Well, that is, no, it's just part of my
professional repertoire.
460
00:34:22,861 --> 00:34:26,529
The truth is I've always been a bit
sensitive about my physique.
461
00:34:26,530 --> 00:34:30,689
Since the time I went into hospital,
took all my clothes off, the doctor
462
00:34:30,690 --> 00:34:32,250
over and gave me the kiss of life.
463
00:34:32,550 --> 00:34:36,160
I suppose, really, I should never have
got undressed in the first place.
464
00:34:36,929 --> 00:34:39,879
Strictly speaking, my wife wasn't even
allowed visitors.
465
00:34:43,870 --> 00:34:50,169
As it happened, I was admitted myself
shortly after. I'd been feeling very
466
00:34:50,170 --> 00:34:51,009
and tired.
467
00:34:51,010 --> 00:34:54,738
Nothing. you know, nothing the doctors
did seemed to help. At one point they
468
00:34:54,739 --> 00:34:59,160
me on a course of iron tablets, and I
went down with metal fatigue.
469
00:34:59,161 --> 00:35:03,019
You see, people never take me seriously.
Like the dressing rooms they have given
470
00:35:03,020 --> 00:35:04,070
me here at the BBC.
471
00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:09,419
You won't believe this, but until a
month ago, I was still classified as a
472
00:35:09,420 --> 00:35:10,470
puppet.
473
00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:17,359
Until the start of each show, I was kept
folded up in a biscuit tin with a basil
474
00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:18,410
brush.
475
00:35:21,410 --> 00:35:25,290
Worst of all, there must be this set,
you know, a box with a chair in it.
476
00:35:25,291 --> 00:35:28,509
this week, my pride got the better of
me, and I went to complain to the
477
00:35:28,510 --> 00:35:31,429
controller of BBC One. He said, don't
worry about a thing, he said.
478
00:35:31,430 --> 00:35:35,589
As from this week, we're giving the
whole set a facelift. More sparkle, more
479
00:35:35,590 --> 00:35:40,250
glitter, more razzmatazz, he said. He
said, you won't even recognise it.
480
00:35:52,230 --> 00:35:59,189
little mind shall i if only it were that
simple do
481
00:35:59,190 --> 00:36:03,969
you do you realize that one stab with
this i could cause a national walkout by
482
00:36:03,970 --> 00:36:08,909
the amalgamated union of balloon poppers
which could seriously disrupt diana
483
00:36:08,910 --> 00:36:14,029
door's acupuncture course so i won't
bother so why should i descend to their
484
00:36:14,030 --> 00:36:17,969
level mine's like children all of them
oh it reminds me little wave to my own
485
00:36:17,970 --> 00:36:19,020
children
486
00:36:19,021 --> 00:36:22,719
Only we had a row this morning about
watching Daddy on television, you know.
487
00:36:22,720 --> 00:36:23,860
They wanted to go to bed.
488
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:32,559
No, I promise to do that because they've
not had an easy time
489
00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:33,539
at home recently.
490
00:36:33,540 --> 00:36:36,920
The riots in the hamster's cage are just
entering the third week.
491
00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:42,419
And on Monday afternoon, our little boy
came in very distraught. His piggy bank
492
00:36:42,420 --> 00:36:43,660
contracted swine fever.
493
00:36:45,190 --> 00:36:46,510
Had to be put down, very sad.
494
00:36:46,630 --> 00:36:51,529
Added to which, last weekend, our young
puppy dog was sniffing around the front
495
00:36:51,530 --> 00:36:55,440
room, accidentally swallowed the remote
control gadget for the television.
496
00:36:56,090 --> 00:36:57,230
All a bit unfortunate.
497
00:36:57,550 --> 00:37:00,530
You know, now we have to twiddle his
tummy to get BBC One.
498
00:37:01,690 --> 00:37:04,810
If you want ITV, we've got to twiddle
the top of his left leg.
499
00:37:06,130 --> 00:37:07,890
Thank God we never watch BBC Two.
500
00:37:10,910 --> 00:37:13,350
Anyway, on to the joke.
501
00:37:13,820 --> 00:37:16,879
Which concerns this rather
502
00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:23,759
posh, well -to -do lady from Belgravia
503
00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:29,359
who one day takes her young son for a
day out to the local cattle shows. He
504
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:32,820
the son is all agog because he's never
seen a cow close up before.
505
00:37:32,821 --> 00:37:36,459
Well, he's seen bits of them, you know,
among the Yorkshire pudding, but he's
506
00:37:36,460 --> 00:37:37,510
never...
507
00:37:37,870 --> 00:37:41,809
Never seen what they look like all put
together. And as they're standing there
508
00:37:41,810 --> 00:37:45,709
looking at one particular cow, an old
farmer comes up and starts feeling the
509
00:37:45,710 --> 00:37:49,769
animal all along its flank, pressing and
kneading the muscles, pinching the skin
510
00:37:49,770 --> 00:37:50,820
around the tummy.
511
00:37:51,370 --> 00:37:54,020
I think he was trying to get BBC Two as
well, actually.
512
00:37:54,750 --> 00:37:58,789
Generally feeling the cow's body, you
see. And the boy turns to his mummy, he
513
00:37:58,790 --> 00:38:01,020
said, Mummy, because he knew her quite
well.
514
00:38:01,021 --> 00:38:05,229
He said, Mummy, he said, what is that
man doing that for? Well, his mother
515
00:38:05,230 --> 00:38:06,490
well, he has got to do that.
516
00:38:06,491 --> 00:38:09,849
You know, that tells him how much meat
there is on the cow, and if he thinks
517
00:38:09,850 --> 00:38:11,290
there's enough, he'll buy it.
518
00:38:11,690 --> 00:38:14,040
It's quite educational, this joke, isn't
it?
519
00:38:14,170 --> 00:38:15,610
Yes, it is quite educational.
520
00:38:17,090 --> 00:38:21,170
That's about all it is. Anyway, I... No,
it isn't. It gets better in a minute.
521
00:38:21,350 --> 00:38:26,949
So, a couple of days later, the boy is
sitting at the breakfast table in the
522
00:38:26,950 --> 00:38:29,110
family's plush mansion house.
523
00:38:29,710 --> 00:38:34,309
tucking into his quadraphonic Rice
Krispies and wearing a bit of a frown.
524
00:38:34,310 --> 00:38:37,609
mother asked him what's on his mind. He
said, well, you know me, you told me the
525
00:38:37,610 --> 00:38:41,470
other day, Mummy, about that farmer and
the cow at the cattle market.
526
00:38:41,750 --> 00:38:42,800
Yes, she said yes.
527
00:38:42,801 --> 00:38:46,489
He said, well, I was just walking past
the kitchen a few minutes ago and I
528
00:38:46,490 --> 00:38:47,810
Daddy wants to buy the cook.
529
00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:15,810
your name is?
530
00:39:16,040 --> 00:39:22,539
Is that
531
00:39:22,540 --> 00:39:23,900
one L or two?
532
00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:33,039
Now then, I see here that your previous
job was a waiter in a top Mayfair
533
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:34,090
restaurant.
534
00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:42,240
And you were dismissed after only one
week's service. Why exactly?
535
00:39:53,190 --> 00:39:54,240
Oh,
536
00:39:55,290 --> 00:39:57,330
well, that's perfectly understandable.
537
00:40:03,050 --> 00:40:07,750
Now, if you've got the position here,
you could start next week, couldn't you?
538
00:40:15,390 --> 00:40:19,749
Excellent. Well, I think that just about
settles it. I mean, you seem to us to
539
00:40:19,750 --> 00:40:22,090
be the ideal man for the job.
540
00:40:22,770 --> 00:40:26,380
Congratulations on becoming the new
station announcer at Paddington.
541
00:40:42,589 --> 00:40:43,639
Oh, my God.
542
00:41:33,800 --> 00:41:37,500
We've got trotting ponies by the score.
543
00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:41,620
We've got cavalry left over from the
First World War.
544
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:48,820
We've got elephants and herds next door.
And the rhubarb's up to here.
545
00:42:21,230 --> 00:42:25,050
Old Billy is a bumbling stumbler. When
he's tiddly, he's a hopeless bumbler.
546
00:42:25,051 --> 00:42:28,389
He's such a bop -shot. He'd better watch
out. He'll get a wallop from a half
547
00:42:28,390 --> 00:42:32,289
-pint tumbler. Last night's pyramid was
slightly hairy. Lost his balance on a
548
00:42:32,290 --> 00:42:33,329
drum of dairy.
549
00:42:33,330 --> 00:42:36,700
Pearl with a shout. Camel got a clout.
Now it's Humphrey's inside out.
550
00:42:37,210 --> 00:42:40,630
We have got a lady juggler with amazing
wits.
551
00:42:41,110 --> 00:42:44,310
She wears castle goods and you ain't a
twiddly.
552
00:42:45,350 --> 00:42:48,670
And they fly in all directions when she
does the split.
553
00:43:05,230 --> 00:43:08,730
Gert -less contortionist got knocked in
and retired.
554
00:43:08,990 --> 00:43:11,870
And Roderick Small, the cannonball, got
fired.
555
00:43:13,290 --> 00:43:19,870
Rudy Luffit on the high trapeze. At it
for years and years.
556
00:43:21,590 --> 00:43:24,830
Ruined his act and his party face.
557
00:43:25,290 --> 00:43:27,150
Swinging from the candle.
558
00:43:27,570 --> 00:43:33,030
The lion tamers tricks ain't what they
used to be.
559
00:43:33,310 --> 00:43:34,950
He's nearly... 86.
560
00:43:35,270 --> 00:43:36,950
The lion's 93.
561
00:43:37,290 --> 00:43:42,849
The lion has lost its bite. They're both
the best of chums. When Fred sticks in
562
00:43:42,850 --> 00:43:45,970
his head, he sucks him with his guns
out.
563
00:43:46,210 --> 00:43:49,950
He either can't be with us tonight.
564
00:43:49,951 --> 00:43:52,509
He either can't be with us tonight. He
either can't be with us tonight. He
565
00:43:52,510 --> 00:43:57,789
either can't be with us tonight. He
either can't be with us
566
00:43:57,790 --> 00:44:00,496
tonight.
567
00:44:15,240 --> 00:44:17,980
We lost our tattooed lady, Lindy Lou.
568
00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:22,480
Tattooed from head to toe, it's in his
view.
569
00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:29,199
On her front, she's got New Delhi. Round
the back, the Tower of Pisa. But to see
570
00:44:29,200 --> 00:44:32,600
her after triumph, you'd require a
special visa.
571
00:44:32,960 --> 00:44:35,840
On her chest, the Pyramids were seen.
572
00:44:37,300 --> 00:44:40,320
She's got a Khyber Pass in pastel green.
573
00:44:41,460 --> 00:44:47,839
And beneath the lost oasis, She'd some
interesting places where no man but
574
00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:49,240
Bellamy has been.
575
00:44:56,340 --> 00:45:00,660
Oh, you can't beat the circus, the
ladies on the green.
576
00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:06,699
The men with mighty muscles are a sight
to see. When the girls have had a
577
00:45:06,700 --> 00:45:11,839
pennant on the triestring machine, they
like a little bounce upon the
578
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:12,890
trampoline.
579
00:45:17,800 --> 00:45:21,620
He went out and caught him with the lady
acrobat.
580
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:25,820
He took her down to Chinese for a bit of
this and that.
581
00:45:26,060 --> 00:45:31,479
Later on, he popped the question, but
she wasn't very keen. Till she had a
582
00:45:31,480 --> 00:45:38,400
little bounce upon his trout. Oh, he
can't take the surface. When he comes
583
00:45:38,620 --> 00:45:42,600
he's ruining his day. Oh, that's busy.
584
00:45:43,080 --> 00:45:46,880
If you think he's looking jaded, then
he's technically what he's been.
585
00:45:47,720 --> 00:45:51,040
Do you want to do a baloney trampoline?
586
00:46:22,340 --> 00:46:27,040
I broke an actor. In the circus, in the
circus. Slip up a fraction.
587
00:46:27,320 --> 00:46:30,020
In the circus, in the circus. You'll be
in traction.
588
00:46:30,420 --> 00:46:31,470
In the circus.
589
00:46:31,960 --> 00:46:34,360
All's are torrential. In the circus.
590
00:46:35,300 --> 00:46:37,420
All's are torrential. In the circus.
591
00:46:37,740 --> 00:46:39,560
In the circus. In the circus.
592
00:46:39,920 --> 00:46:40,970
In the circus.
593
00:46:41,100 --> 00:46:43,660
In the circus.
594
00:46:55,180 --> 00:46:56,760
Silly feet, feet, feet.
595
00:47:30,331 --> 00:47:37,499
That seems to be about all we have time
for this series. I'd like to thank our
596
00:47:37,500 --> 00:47:39,970
special guests, Barbara Dixon and Elkie
Brooks.
597
00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:41,640
And, of course, Diana Dawes.
598
00:47:42,140 --> 00:47:45,300
But before we go, a few late items of
news.
599
00:47:45,760 --> 00:47:51,739
The New Zealand rugby touring team's
match against an all -gay 15 ended
600
00:47:51,740 --> 00:47:56,520
in a nil -nil draw, even though the gays
had eight tries under conversion.
601
00:47:58,361 --> 00:48:06,289
The meteorological office's long -range
forecast today predicted a mild winter
602
00:48:06,290 --> 00:48:07,950
next year, instead of summer.
603
00:48:09,970 --> 00:48:15,889
On Dartmoor last night, the Devon police
raided a black magic ceremony and took
604
00:48:15,890 --> 00:48:17,450
away all the hazelnut clusters.
605
00:48:21,710 --> 00:48:25,909
And Britain's strangest ever wedding
took place in London today, when a man
606
00:48:25,910 --> 00:48:28,309
used to be a woman married a woman who
used to be a man.
607
00:48:28,310 --> 00:48:30,420
The bride's mother used to be a male
nurse.
608
00:48:30,421 --> 00:48:33,639
The best man used to be a bridesmaid,
and the wedding cake started life as a
609
00:48:33,640 --> 00:48:34,690
French tart.
610
00:48:37,300 --> 00:48:42,139
And we've just heard that a juggernaut
of onions has shed its load all over the
611
00:48:42,140 --> 00:48:45,580
M1. Motorists are advised to find a hard
shoulder to cry on.
612
00:48:48,040 --> 00:48:52,619
Finally, explorers on a remote Pacific
island have discovered a Japanese
613
00:48:52,620 --> 00:48:56,560
who didn't know the war was over, an
Irishman who didn't know it had even
614
00:48:56,820 --> 00:48:59,770
and a drunken Scotsman who wants to
start it all over again.
615
00:49:00,431 --> 00:49:03,869
And it's good night from here. Good
night.
616
00:49:03,870 --> 00:49:08,420
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