All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s07e08.eng

Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed

it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we had hoped to introduce you

West Indies in her knitted bikini, but
just before the show, someone pulled a

loose thread and unravelled the Bermuda
Triangle.

But we'll be meeting an hydraulics
specialist who fell into an

electroplating tank full of chrome today
and got his pumper nickelled.

And I'm sorry to say that Flexo, the
nude contortionist, can't be with us

either. At rehearsals today, he took a
step backwards and stood on his dignity.

And at Kilmarnock today, a man who had
bought two packets of woodbines appeared

before the procurator fiscal, charged
with panic buying.

Turville Dinge, the celebrated goldfish
fancier, died last night.

This morning, a few friends attended a
private ceremony and sang sea shanties,

after which they flushed him down the
lavatory.

Traffic warden Dymphna McCorkadale had
her hat run over by a steamroller today.

She tried booking the driver for
speeding, but was told that the roller

went at eight miles an hour, so she
booked him for having three bald tyres.

Dublin police today raided the studio of
Ireland's most brilliant art forger and

took away 33 canvases, all signed by
Pisarco.

Finally... Finally, the National Health

Service's money -saving scheme for
Harley Street starts tomorrow. There

only be one stethoscope for the whole
street.

but all doctors will have a party line.

But now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, who used to be a model husband,

but recently took up with a Cindy doll.

Thank you, thank you, sir. Thank you,
madam.

Thank you.

Now, sir, good evening.

Good evening.

What would you like to start with, sir?

Um, I'm going to have my shoes repaired,
if that's possible, isn't it?

Cindy doll, come on.

along the side.

Yes, I see, sir, yes. Sold and healed,
would that be, sir? Yes, that would be

nice. How would you like them, sir?
Leather or rubber or composite? What

you like?

I think I'll have, I think I'll have
leather. Yes, the leather is very good

today, sir, yes.

What would you like to follow? Would you
like a nice pair of pyjamas? You see,

we have a nice polka dot, we have the
stripes.

No, I'd rather go off pyjamas.

I mean, they like, you know, I like
them, but they don't like me. Yes, I do.

Why don't you try the sauna bath, sir?
Sauna and massage we have there.

Or a little three -card brag, you see,
over here.

We've got the car wash and oil change
over there. Frontal lobotomy, they're

good today.

I'm going to be terribly awkward and
have something that's not on the menu

day. Do you think you could rustle me up
a haircut?

Certainly, sir, yes.

Do you want a nice haircut? Take 20
minutes, of course, is that all right?

That's all right, I don't mind. Yes, how
would you like it done, sir?

I think I'll have it sort of medium.

Medium haircut, very good.

A bit of Tchaikovsky, perhaps, would be
nice.

Or tango lessons, a bit of flower
arrangement, that's nice.

Origami, what about that? That's in
season at the moment.

I'm just going to have... I'll just have
a round of golf, I think. A round of

golf.

Can you give me a few sort of farmyard
impressions on the side? Yes, I'll bring

you a selection, sir, yes.

What about dessert, sir?

Ah, pudding, pudding. Let me see.

I had the hang gliding the last time,
didn't I? Yes, I think you had it the

before yesterday, if my memory serves me
incorrectly, sir. Yes, very nice.

Rather sickly, but very nice.

No, I'm going to have a small blonde.

Yes, a small blonde.

Well, not necessarily blonde, but sort
of 38, 24, 36 type. Yes, certainly. I've

just seen a couple in the kitchen, so
they're fresh as a daisy. They came up

from the coast this morning. I'll pick
you one out.

So thank you very much. Thank you very
much.

I say, waiter, is there any chance of a
bite to eat?

Oh, well, you've picked an awkward time,
lunchtime. The chef's awfully busy, so

I'll see if I can get you a cheese
sandwich, something like that.

Good evening.

When they came to me and asked me to say
some kind words about British Rail,

frankly, I told B .R. to be off.

Then they offered me a thousand quid.

I said, I'm not a man who can be bought.

Then they offered me 2 ,000 quid.

Good evening.

British Rail is a wonderful institution.

But we do have our problems. Now, one of
them is passengers. Did you know that

every second, 17 men, 13 and a half
women, and a brown paper parcel get

onto a train?

And that 17 men and 13 women get off?

Though not necessarily with each other.

Which only leaves half a woman and a
brown paper passport.

And that's no good to anyone, is it, to
be honest?

Oh, I don't know, though.

Another problem is the weather. Now, due
entirely to unforeseen circumstances,

winter has arrived this year. Yes, we've
got more frozen points than atop this

bar at the North Pole.

This map here shows the lines that are
affected by engineering works over this

weekend. So if you're trying to go
anywhere from anywhere, you'll just have

go via somewhere else.

And believe it or not, some people even
complain about British Rail food, saying

it's not absolutely tip -top value.
Well, I mean, look at this. That's a

rubbish. Look at this.

Look at this cup of tea. I mean, have we
doubled the price? Certainly we have

not. Mind you, we have halved the cup.

Now, look at this pie.

I've had a letter. I'll read you a
letter that I've had concerning this

Dear sir, all the way up to Glasgow, all
they had in the buffet was a plastic

knife and one individual beetroot pie.

I couldn't even cut it.

Yours, Arthur Fingis. Now, that's
ridiculous.

Nonsense.

Nonsense. Look, I mean, here is the
knife, and here is the pie.

I mean, look at that.

straight into our new British Rail
suggestion box, which is, of course,

automatic. There it is.

Now, since we've installed our new
streamlined ticket windows, many

travellers have complained that they
don't like queuing an extra half hour

to get a ticket.

They even claim that outside Victoria
Station, ticket touts can get ten quid

a single to Brighton.

But it's no good complaining to the
ticket clerk, of course, because as soon

he gets behind one of these windows...

claiming Dickie Bird, you see.

What about fares, I hear you ask? Well,
British Rail are going to replace the

existing fare structure with a very
unfair structure.

So, what about the new cheap tickets?
Well, this one is a monster bestseller.

It's called the Runabout Rover Away Day
Senior Citizens Winter Break Special.

If you're a one -armed old -age
pensioner with a bicycling dog

between Bodmin and Arbroath, you'll get
it for nothing.

We'll keep on with our old favourites,
of course.

The Scotch Way Day, you see, we have.

Is that one?

Or we have, of course, this one here for
divorcing couples, the Go Away and Stay

Away Day.

And, of course, the mother -in -law
special day return.

The train doesn't stop and you wave to
her out of the window.

That's it. And, of course, then we have
a couple of naughty ones.

We have tired businessmen needing a
weekend with their secretary. We have

Wife Doesn't Understand Me weekend.

Of course, all we have for the otherwise
inclined is a nippy day return down to

Portsmouth called Hello Sailor. Yes.

British Rail intend to maintain their
standards.

But now for the good news.

Yes, after a hundred years of research,
we have perfected the robot porter.

Now let's try... Let's have a look at
him. There he is, you see.

Now let's try asking him a question.

I say, my man, when is the next train to
Slough?

ask me, mate.

There we are, you see.

Every bit as good as the real thing.
Let's test it further.

I say, my good man, I wonder if you
could carry this small suitcase for me.

But it doesn't end there.

Here is a good word for commuters, scum.
But for those bona fide travellers who

hearken after a good old days of steam,
we have developed this.

Every 20 minutes, the guard will come
into your compartment and blow soot and

smuts into your eye.

Like that.

There it is.

Now, you do your bit, and we'll do our
bit, and we'll try to lose 100 million

pounds of your money every year.

Do stop complaining, don't pull the
communication cord while the train is

standing in the station, and simply do
what you're told whenever you see this

sign. There we are.

Yes, well, the fact is I never bother to
wear any nowadays, you know, when I sit

in the house.

I don't leave mine off near as George's
around.

Why not?

Afraid he might tread on your bunion?

No, he's got this thing about bare feet,
you know.

Odour. What, odour cologne, you mean?

Yes. No, no. Well, yes. Yes, he does
like odour cologne on feet. Oh, does he?

That's funny.

Sid likes tomato ketchup on tongue.

I often dabble in it. It'd be on my ears
for special occasions, you know. What,

tomato sauce?

No, dear, old cologne.

Oh, yeah?

It's meant to make you sort of
energetic, you know.

Or your partner, at least, energetic.

I'm worried about Sid's energy, you
know. Didn't know he had any, dear. No,

that's the trouble.

Do you know he hasn't got enough to get
up in the morning?

What's that down to, then? Well, he says
it's a world shortage of energy. Yeah,

really, isn't it? I mean, like his
shirt.

What's that with his shirt? Well, that's
short as well.

They don't put no tails on them these
days, do they?

I've had to sew a hanky across the
bottom to keep the draught out.

There he was, too. Wouldn't do to have
him catch cold, would it? No.

Or blow his nose on the bus.

You know what you ought to do about his
energy problem, don't you? What? Shoot

him.

Shoot him? Shoot him at the doctor's,
dear. Get some professional advice.

Oh, I've already done all that. Oh,
yeah, that's all done.

Yeah, he's put him on monkey glands,
love. Yeah, he's been completely...

Completely rejuvenated throughout.

Monkey glands. And it didn't do work
then, did it? Well, I'll tell you one

thing. He never stops eating nuts and
bananas.

Oh, look at the time. I must go and give
him his medicine now.

Oh, yes. Where is he? Laying about up
the bedroom?

No, he's swinging about up the tree.

Still on the nuts, are you?

Can't seem to give him up, George.

Have you been up to the doctor, then?

Yes, I went up to see him. He can't help
me, though. He says medical science

hasn't caught up with me yet.

Did he look at it at all? Oh, he had a
look at it, yeah, yeah.

Prodded it about, you know.

He even hit it with one of them little
hammers.

No reaction at all? No, not a twitch,
no.

He said if it was a car, he'd dump it.

So it looks like I'm stuck with me old
knee after all it... Of course, knees

have run in your family for years,
haven't they?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Lazy cartridges, you know, lethargic
kneecaps.

Yeah, they've been a curse on my family
since time immemorial now.

Which doctor do you see, then? Do you
see the, what, the Indian one you see? I

don't know which one it was. His name
was Ram Jam Butney.

No, I think he's the Irishman.

The Indian fella's the other one. He
come all the way from Calcutta. Oh,

No good phoning him in an emergency,
then, is it?

I was nearly in India myself, you know,
in the army, you know that? Oh, yeah?

What stopped you there?

Well, I had these feet.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I still have, as a matter of fact.
Have you? Yeah.

They're down there somewhere, not far
away, but they're down there.

And I was excused boots, you know, light
duties.

Of course, I was in the war.

Well, so was I in the war.

I don't remember you.

Well, to be fair, there were quite a lot
of us, weren't there, eh? Yeah, I don't

remember your impression you made on the
war effort, like. Well, I said I was

excused boots, wasn't I? I mean, you can
hardly liberate Rome in plimsolls, can

you?

I mean, as soon as I received my call
-up papers, I volunteered, mate. Yeah,

I did. I volunteered for the guards.

Guards?

What, British Railways, you mean?

No, the real guards, yeah, guards. Well,
Grenadier guards, what, them great big

tall strapping blokes? Right, yeah.

I would have been in the guards and all,
had it not been for my eyes.

What was the matter with your eyes?

Too near the ground.

I didn't teach her so much during the
war. You know why? Because you were in

Navy, weren't you? I was in the Army.
Our leaves only coincided once, didn't

That night we met Lily Neade, didn't we?
Yeah, yeah.

See? That was the fact of it. I remember
that because I was dressed in macaque

and you were done up as a sailor.

I wasn't done up as a sailor. I was a
sailor.

Never forget that dancing ballum all the
girls were partying, dresses on. Ed and

Lil really stood out, didn't they? Yeah,
that's because they were the only two

wearing gas masks, weren't they?

I think the war was responsible for my
knee, you know. It has got a lot to

answer for you when you think about it,
anyway. All my sorties into unoccupied

Europe. What are you talking about? You
were stationed at the Navy Depot in the

Fulham Road.

You didn't believe that, did you? Half
naive. That was just a ploy put out by

naval intelligence.

No. Yes.

I was one of the cock -a -leek -a
-heroes, I was.

You never said nothing. Well, of course
I didn't, because you'd have told Lil

straight away, wouldn't you? Know what
she's like? Been all around Berlin

a week, wouldn't it?

I'll tell you something. I'll tell you
something. I used to know... I used to

know the Unknown Warrior.

I used to play cards with him. He was a
very good... He was a very good nap

player, he was. No. What was his name,
then? I can't tell you. It's an

unofficial secret, isn't it?

Oh, God.

Well... All this new information, it's
all coming to life. All these times you

went missing, people said you were
deserted. You were really, in fact, on a

dangerous mission all the time. Yeah, I
suppose I was. But to add authenticity

to it, you see, they used to send
military police round to my house

them to look for me, talking to Eden,
all that, you know.

American military police, I remember
that.

Americans?

American soldiers, sailors, all that,
yeah. Were they?

Oh, well, it must have been combined
operation, mustn't it?

Oh, loads of Americans, I remember that,
yeah.

Used to call your arse the Alamo.

Need a detection drawer and a loft full
of bubble gum.

Because he was still calling me buddy on
coronation night. I must have a word

with him.

Still, not half a cover -up. What an
excellent cover -up. I mean, really had

fooled, you know that?

I mean, then all that rumour about you
committing suicide, that was all false,

then, was it?

Well, of course it was false.

I never thought that.

Because,

you see, when I was on manoeuvres in
Basingstoke, I had a letter saying that

during the blitz, you were so scared,
you shot yourself.

No, no, that wasn't right. That was a
mistake, that was.

Here, I must go home and talk to her.
Here. I'll see you later. Well, listen,

wait a minute. Why would she say you
shot yourself if you didn't?

She didn't say I shot myself.

right and she's gone.

Send the next one in, will you, Miss
Rennick?

Mr.

Tanchor? Yes, that's right. Come in.

Come in?

What? Into your office?

Yes, of course, yes. Right.

I'm sorry, I am standing on your carpet.

I need to meet you. No, come back here.

Mr.

Toadie, isn't it? That's right.

Come about a job, have you? Oh, yes,
sir. How observant of you. That's right,

sir. Well, do sit down, will you? No,
I'd rather not, if you don't mind. I'd

just stand here and grovel, if you don't
mind.

All right, whatever makes you
comfortable.

Cigar? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I should have
thought of that whenever I came in. Of

course, have one, by all means.

to ask you a few questions, Mr. Tony.
First of all, what do you think of my

shoes? Oh, they're absolutely
magnificent. I only hope that one day I

to a pair of such grandeur.

I haven't seen them yet, Tony. They're
under the desk. Oh, these shoes.

Oh, they are wonderful, sir. They are
really, oh, wonderful.

Oh, they taste absolutely delicious.
They really are.

You can get up now. Have you got any
references, Tony?

Well, I have this from my previous, my
previous employee. What's this?

It's an autograph.

Do you write? Toadie, my favourite
bootlicker. I see.

You've always been a bit of a
bootlicker, have you? I like to think

yes.

Would you mind crawling round on the
floor for a few moments? Oh, wonderful.

Tell me about your education.

Well, sir, not much of an education. I
mean, unless you can't Cambridge, I

I've just... Oh, Cambridge.

You went to Cambridge, did you? Yes. I
went to Birmingham Polytechnic myself.

Oh, lucky you. Oh, dear.

Oh, how I wanted to go to Birmingham
Polytechnic.

Oh, I wanted a place there.

Measley Old King's College.

Well, now, I take it you know what the
post is, do you tell me? Yes, sir, I do,

yes, I do. Yes, it's company, yes, ma
'am. Yes, sir, yes, yes. Now, you look

me in the most sycophantic, snivelling,
weak -kneed sort of little swine that's

ever come to me.

I take it, I take it that your heart is
set on it, is it? Yes, it is, indeed,

sir. Good. Well, it's my great pleasure
to tell you that you've failed. Oh.

That's absolutely terrific.

Failed? Yes, failed, you pimply little
smart aleck, because I'm absolutely

of people saying yes to me all the time.
Do you understand?

Yes, sir. There you are, you see. Yes,
yes, yes, all the time. If I hear one

more person saying yes to me once more,
I shall go stark staring, raving mad. Do

you understand?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Miss Renwick, show Mr. Tony out, please.

Yes, sir. There you are, you see. She
says yes to me. Even she says yes to me

all the time.

Instead of a joke, I'd like to relate a
rather amusing little incident that

happened to me a couple of days ago.

In fact, I was telling it to the other
members of the cast here just before we

came on and laughed well.

What if they didn't?

I mean, it was understandable, really,
because to be honest... Most of us here

are a little bit upset at the moment
over a nasty accident that took place

afternoon in the next studio. It was
during a rehearsal of one of those big

variety shows.

The acrobat had just put on a pair of
his tights, you know, and was doing a

rather novel balancing act.

And he was straddling a couple of high
chairs, wondering whether or not to try

and do the splits, when suddenly both
chairs collapsed underneath him.

And he was torn between two stools.

Stay tragic.

Especially for his wife, you know, who's
now trying to pick up the pieces.

It's symptomatic in a way of how
everything is falling into disrepair at

BBC. This seat, for example, I have to
sit on, getting more uncomfortable every

week. I told the producer this morning,
I said, I've had enough.

I said, there's an awkward little lump
in this chair.

He said, don't I know it?

I said, now, look, there's no need for
wit.

That's not like you at all, I said.

The solution is perfectly simple. I
said, the cushion needs stuffing.

And his reply is in the hands of my
solicitor.

However, I shouldn't really go on about
our internal problems. It was a bit

undiplomatic of me, because tonight,
being the last series, I'm pleased to

we have got the controller of BBC One in
the audience.

Come along for the free drinks
afterwards, I suppose.

I'm not going to tell you where the
controller is sitting. I won't mention

balding head or the smell of the ready
-rubbed condor because she's

awfully sensitive about it.

No, that is not true.

That was just a bit of comedy I threw
in. The controller of BBC One is, in

a highly distinguished and important
gentleman.

Also, he keeps telling us.

The reason I mustn't point him out is
because he is sitting with his secretary

and she is a little shy.

With coconuts to match.

As a matter of fact, I've known our
controller for a long time now because

was, when he was head of BBC of Comedy,
he was one of the first who put forward

the idea of this show, The Two Ronnies,
starring Ronnie Barker and Norman

Wisdom.

Everyone could see it wasn't quite
right, so they held a very big meeting.

It wasn't far off, mind you.

But they held a very big meeting, and
the top comedy producers, you know, the

cream of the BBC plus one or two old
yoghurts.

And eventually my name came up as a
replacement. The two Ronnies starring

Corbett and Norman Wisdom.

It was all, to be honest, it was very
flattering because at the time I was

completely unknown and I didn't even
recognise my own face in the mirror.

Work was thin on the ground. I remember
around that time I was trying to earn a

crust as a small -time male stripper.

I used to do very cheap hen parties, you
know.

You've been at one or two, I think.

And after they'd had all the food and
drink... The climax of the evening, I

to leap out of a sausage roll.

Then slowly strip down to my thermal
underwear.

It's quite erotic, actually.

A lot of women used to jump up onto the
stage and feel my muscles.

The rest used to jump up and feel my
pulse.

That is really, by the way, and has
nothing to do with the incident I set

tell you about, which occurred the other
night when I'd gone along to our local

Jewish pub.

The kosher horses.

Now, I'd actually gone along more for
business than pleasure because I was

attending a sort of union meeting.

It was the monthly meeting of the Surrey
branch of the Amalgamated Union of Pint

-Sized Comedians.

Allied titches.

All the pint -sized comedians were
present. Arthur Askey, Charlie Drake,

Steele. All of them.

When suddenly, in the middle of the
meeting, I noticed right at the other

the bar, a fellow walked into the pub
carrying a crocodile.

As I watched, he went up to the bar. He
said, excuse me, but do you serve

Scotsmen in this hostelry?

The barman said, certainly. He said,
well, you give me a pint of beer and two

Scotsmen for the crocodile.

The barman, not wanting to cause a
scene, pulled a pint and handed over two

Scotsmen who were sitting in the corner,
whereupon the crocodile promptly ate

them up.

Fifty minutes went by.

The chap came up and ordered again. He
said, a pint of beer and two Scotsmen

the crocodile.

Once again, the barman gave him the beer
and called over two more Scotsmen who

were in the other bar, wringing out
their beer mats into the glass.

And again, the crocodile just ate them
up. Well, this went on for another hour

or so until finally the chap came back
again. He said, same again, a pint of

beer and two Scotsmen for the crocodile.
The barman said, I'm sorry, we'll clean

out of Scotsmen.

We've got none left. We've eaten them
all.

And to my horror, his eyes travelled up
my bar to the table where my party was

sitting. He said, I'll tell you what,
though. He said, we haven't got any

Scotsmen. He said, but do you think he'd
fancy Ronnie Corbett, Arthur Arsky and

Charlie Drake?

The chap said, shh, for God's sake,
whatever you do, don't start him on the

shorts.

And if you're fond of fun and beer, then
come on here, get in the gear, my

lads. Come and join the army, ever so,
ever so spick and span. In the British

Army, a man can be a man.

Say, if you want a life that's grand,

the He -Man Brands are in demand, my
lads.

The sergeant majors mean some brand,
they understand.

They hold your hand, my lad.

Come and join the army. Gullies, jolly
and alderfoot.

In the British army.

Catterick's going to pot.

In the army.

Catering Corps.

The Catering Corps.

Knows what it's for.

We're marching to Zan in Petit Fort.

Let's jump up some fairy cakes.

You'll find lots of men like to drill
with a friend when they're home on the

range with a rifle.

But here in the Corps, we get thrills by
the score, doing things with a gun and

a trifle.

And the book that we cook by was wrote
by the great Mrs.

Beaton. But here in the mess, they
suggest our address should be changed to

all or nothing.

Don't just come in platoons for our
pinky -double prunes and brigades for

queue when it's curry vindaloo. Off they
march double quick.

And it really goes to show that a good
British curry keeps the army on the go.

Oh, we did the puppy on Saturday night.

Terribly smart and terribly bright.

Majors at the time of their life.
Especially with the brigadier's wife who

getting quite amorous on champagne.

She likes a little bit now and again.

Married to rank.

Built like a tank and remarkably sauce
-free plate. The head was firm and the

kettle re -wielded his furs. Marked
distinctly his and hers. Lady Felicity

earning applause.

Winning a raffle and losing her drawers.

And the tanker was hungry.

Sat on a fork and dropped the spoon.

Into the large stake on the tars of the
brigadier's wife and son. They were

having a great big slap -bang huge
success. The officers there, they got

hell of a mess.

And the colonel left the party in a
small black dress.

What a terribly, terribly, terribly,
terribly gay son.

Now I'm a popular pastry cook. My
puddings are ever so

light. There's one little dish that
girls all wish for every Saturday night.

It's roly -poly, roly -poly.

It's Roly -Poly, Roly -Poly, just a
little bit more.

A sailor went sailing around the world
and came back to the coast.

As he got off the yacht, I asked him
what it was he missed the most.

It's Roly -Poly, Roly -Poly, he'd been

anchoring for.

Auntie Nellie was fighting fit when she
was a hundred and three.

A man from the telly, he asked old
Nellie, said, what's she give to tea?

It's roly -poly, roly -poly, that's a
day for sure.

I'll roly -poly, roly -poly, till I'm a
hundred and four.

We don't go out and manoeuvre as much, I
thought she's rather dire.

But her meringues have a lovely touch
that cuddles all at once.

Blows his trumpet, we'll ignore it, he
can lump it. We'll stay home and toss

trumpets round the kitchen fire.

There's lots of praise for our can of
paste, they're what the gourmet seek.

And people say that our poor patty's got
flavour, it's quite unique.

Panty crad, it starts to waver, he gone
wrong, he says the flavour drives him

mad. The kitchen cat's been missing for
a week.

Blows tea in the water on the spot, we
bone it up, we bounce.

brew called New and True. The soldiers
call it Nats.

In the army, in the army, there's
nothing right about it. It won't affect

all, we're on the country board.

It's had a few ships, old navy ships,
and in the R .E .F. They're making the

most of beans on toast till jet lag
makes them deaf.

In the navy, in the navy, they've got
cockles in the gravy, but it don't

us, for we're in the country court.
We're rather short of privates in the

officers will have to wrap it. The
colonel says we've got to roast

one chicken more.

I'll go and tell the brigadier to start.

You'll never get a crafty carver. I've
really got

to bake a cake before light.

out. I think I'll try a tart when I've
had supper.

We've got, what have we got, what have
we got?

Ristles. What have we got, what have we
got?

Ristles. We get fat and run, he's got
half a pound of ristles already now.

So when they boo our Irish beer, we'll
say you too, we've made a...

bangles and mash. It's true.

And so that's the reason when you ask us
what's upon the menu, we say we sold

and the best of luck to you.

Well, that's all we have time for in
this series, but before we leave you a

items of late news, Miss Raquel Welsh,
in an American TV interview today,

about the advantages she'd had in her
acting career. She admitted that her

had opened doors for him.

Latest bulletins say that the porter who
sat on a red -hot cinder at Kings Cross

Station is making good progress. He was
right on time as he steamed through

Newcastle.

Happy news tonight from Lord George
Davidson Circus. The tattooed lady is

pregnant, and both she and her husband,
the India Rubber Man, are very happy.

They don't mind if it's a boy or a girl
as long as it fits into the canon.

Here's some late football news. The St.
John's Ambulance 11 and Hypochondriacs

United game have just gone into the
265th minute of injury time.

And popping through your letterbox
tomorrow morning will be a little

from the post office promising you a
much faster delivery service in 1976.

Finally, there was an ugly moment today
at the Kilburn Biograph Cinema when

Seamus Killick applied for the job of
projectionist. He was asked to fill in a

questionnaire, so he went outside and
punched the doorman.

Next series in a new feature entitled
The Greatest Shock of My Life, we shall

hearing from the one -legged Scotsman in
a kilt about the time he was standing

in the lampshade department at heels.

And an assistant came round putting in
light bulbs.

Until then, it's goodnight from me. It's
goodnight from him. Goodnight.

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