Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

Ah-ah, wait, wait, don't do that.

Why not?

Well, I'll have you in check in three moves.

That's better.

You saved me two moves.

Check mate.

Oh, come on, Darb.

This is supposed to be a gentleman's game.

OK, I'll take it back.

No, no, that's OK.

I'm kind of tired of playing anyway.

- You're sure? - Yeah.

Besides, I'm a sore loser.

- Hurry up, Sally. - Oh, hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Is it raining out?

Oh, it sure is.

And I stepped in a big puddle outside the Women's Club.

My feet are soaking wet.

You better get those shoes off before you catch cold.

Has it been raining long?

Quite a while, I guess.

Well, there goes our golf game tomorrow.

Well, maybe not.

It might clear up.

Aren't you guys interested in How we made out

at the bridge party?

OK.

How did you make out at the bridge party?

I didn't win anything, and Harriet won the booby prize.

Hey, it's coming down pretty good now.

- Yeah. - I think I'm catching a cold.

I hope it clears up by tomorrow.

Oh, thank you, dear.

I hope so too.

What'd you say?

What did you say?

I said, I hope it clears up by tomorrow, so we can play golf.

It's not much fun playing in the rain.

Oh.

What's that?

It's the booby prize.

Oh, you won the booby prize?

How about that?

You have the feeling that we ought

to go out and come in again?

Something like that.

Hey, Oz, do you want to play even if it is raining?

Well, that depends, not if it's raining hard like this.

I hope you aren't catching a cold, Harriet.

I hope you aren't either.

Hey, Oz, if the wives are catching colds,

maybe we'd better get out of the house tomorrow.

No use in our catching them too.

I have a feeling I'm catching a cold,

and my considerate husband is going

to meet with an accident, a swift kick in the shins.

How about a nice hot cup of coffee or hot chocolate

or something?

No, thanks.

I'd better get on home and get to bed.

I think I'd better too.

See you in the morning.

Yeah, I'll get you an umbrella.

Oh, thanks.

No, no, no, don't bother.

We'll make a dash for it.

Well, you might as well take it.

It's yours anyway.

- Oh, don't open it. - Oh, what's the matter?

Are you superstitious?

No, it's just that I'm wet already,

and I want to make sure he keeps moving.

Come on.

Careful with that thing, Sally.

Sorry.

Sally--

Please don't sneeze while I'm putting.

I'll try and remember that.

I'm sorry you don't feel good.

Do you think you're running a temperature?

No, I don't think so.

I'll be all right.

Haven't you better come to bed if you're

going to get up and play golf tomorrow?

Well, then, now, look, if you don't feel well,

I don't have to play golf, you know.

I can stay home with you. Oh, no.

Don't be silly.

I'll be fine.

Well, don't get up and get my breakfast or anything

like that. Well, we'll see.

I mean it.

Just stay in bed and take it easy.

What you need is lots of sleep.

I know it.

What'd you say?

What do you mean?

You said what, I need is what?

Oh, lots of sleep.

Oh.

Well, just as soon as I sink this putt,

you can turn the light out.

- Did we make it? - Yep.

Good.

I can't find my ball.

I didn't sink it after all.

Oh, here we are.

Oh, well, you don't have to putt again.

I'll concede it.

Hey, I made it.

I made it in the dark.

Hey, Oz.

Hey, Oz.

- Hi, Darb. - Come on.

Hurry up. I'll be right with you.

Is that Darb?

Oh, uh, yeah.

- Have fun. - OK.

How do you feel?

I don't know yet.

I'm not quite awake.

I guess I'm OK.

Oh, good.

Go back to sleep now.

Hi, Darb.

Oh, hi, Oz.

Uh, Darb, look, if you don't mind, I think I'll stay home.

What are you talking about?

Well you know, Harriet doesn't feel well.

She's got that cold.

Well, so does Sally. But she'll live through it.

So will Harriet. Well, yeah, I know.

But I'd rather stay home and maybe fix breakfast.

Well, what's more important, our wives or a game of golf?

Really want me to answer that?

I'm serious. You go on ahead.

There'll be lots of guys out there.

You'll find somebody.

Well, yeah, but nobody I can beat.

Well, you have--

oh, no, you don't.

Harriet.

Harriet, surprise, breakfast.

Harriet?

Breakfast.

- Hi, Pop. - Oh, hi, Dave.

Come on in.

Mom loaned us a couple of chairs last week,

and I just brought them back. I put them in the garage.

Oh, thanks.

Would you like a cup of coffee or something?

Oh, no, thanks. I can't stay.

Just having a little breakfast here.

Pretty fancy.

- I made it for your mother. - Oh?

See, I was going to serve her breakfast in bed,

but she was still asleep, so thought

I might as well eat it myself.

No sense letting it go to waste.

You sure you won't have something?

Oh, no, thanks.

I got a little work to do down at the office.

I thought you were going to play golf this morning.

Well, yeah, I was.

But your mother's starting to get a little cold,

so I thought I'd stay home keep her company.

As it turned out, I might as well have played golf.

Well, why don't you run down to that new driving range?

It's only a couple of blocks from here.

Oh, I don't think so.

As long as I'm here, I might as well stick it out.

- Well, say Hello to Mom for me. - OK.

You sure you wouldn't like to stick around and play

a little chess or checkers or something?

Gee, I'd like to, Pop, but I really have to get going.

- OK. - See you later.

Bye.

Oh, boy.

Uh, Harriet?

I'll be right back.

Well, here we are.

Harriet?

Good morning.

Good morning.

Large bucket of balls for you this morning?

I think I'll just take one of those small ones.

I don't want to stay away from the house too long.

OK.

Here you are.

That'll be $0.50.

Thank you. Oh, and don't forget.

We're giving a prize this morning

if you can ring the bell out there.

Oh, how far is it?

300 yards.

Oh, well, don't hold your breath.

Hmm, I bet you can do it.

Oh, well, ordinarily--

I don't mean ordinarily.

It's just that this doesn't seem to be my lucky day.

I think I'll just hit a few irons.

Well, have a good time.

Thank you.

Hey, I rang the bell.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I don't think anyone's ever

hit that before with an iron.

Oh, well, I was just lucky, I guess.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Anyway, won yourself a Kewpie doll.

Oh, well, thank you, but I really

wouldn't know what to do with it.

Take it home and give it to your kids.

Oh, well, my kids are, uh--

well, they're not exactly kids anymore.

Oh, really?

But you look so young.

Oh, well, thank you.

Besides, they're boys.

Look, why don't you keep it?

It looks as if it goes with a pretty girl like you.

Well, thank you.

- Well, hi. - Hi, dear.

Hello, Oz.

I didn't know you were up. How do you feel?

Oh, much better.

I must have slept 10 hours.

Oh, good for you.

Here you are, my dear.

Oh, thank you, Darby.

They insisted on fixing breakfast for me.

Wasn't that nice? It was Darb's idea.

He stayed home and fixed breakfast for me.

Wasn't that thoughtful?

Harriet, I fixed breakfast for you, you know?

You mean, I've already had breakfast?

No, I ate it.

I brought it up to you, but you were asleep.

Well, don't you remember?

No, was I awake?

Well, no.

But David will tell you.

Oh, did you get Dave to go and play golf with you?

No, no, I didn't play golf.

No, I just went out to the driving range.

Oh.

These are wonderful, Darb.

Oh, thank you, Harriet.

I fixed the same thing for you--

scrambled eggs and orange juice.

Is there anything more I can get for you, Harriet?

Oh, no. Thanks very much.

And I brought you a rose.

Are you sure you don't want us to do the dishes?

No, no, that's OK. I'll take care of the dishes.

Don't be silly. I'll do the dishes.

You must be tired from your game.

I just went out to the driving range.

Come on, dear.

We'd better go.

Bye, Oz.

See you later, Harriet.

And thank you so much.

Oh, just give us a ring if there's anything else you need,

Harriet.

Yeah, that's OK.

Thanks.

I won a Kewpie doll.

At the golf course?

No, no, at the driving range.

Oh, good.

Where is it?

Well, I figured, who wants a Kewpie doll?

So I gave it to this big--

to this employee out at the driving block--

at the driving range.

Darb?

Oh, hi, Oz.

So this is where you're hiding.

What do you mean hiding?

Why didn't you speak up this morning?

About what?

What are you talking about?

You know darn well what I'm talking about.

You got the idea of fixing Sally's breakfast from me.

Oh, were you going to fix her breakfast?

I was going to fix Harriet's breakfast, and you know it.

That's where you got the idea.

Now, why didn't you speak up? Look.

If anybody should be sorry, it should be me.

You dumped me and then sneak off and play golf with David.

I didn't play golf with David.

Well, who did you play golf with, some blonde?

No, no, she just happened.

Oh really?

Forget it.

Next time you see Harriet, at least

you can have the decency to tell her that the whole thing was

my idea and that I stayed home.

I didn't play golf.

OK, OK, if I should happen to see her.

But frankly, Oz, somehow Sally got the impression

that it was my idea, and I'd hate to disillusion her.

Thanks a lot.

Look, Oz, if you should see Sally, this is how it went.

You came over to our house this morning

to get me to go and play golf with you,

but I said, oh, no, Oz, Sally isn't feeling well,

and I'm going to stay home with her as long as she needs me.

You are, without a doubt--

Thank you, Oz.

I like you too.

Well, what happened is that your mother

refuses to believe that I stayed home this morning to fix

her breakfast.

Is that what she told you, that she doesn't believe you?

Well, no. She claims she does.

But the way she said it, I know she doesn't.

See, actually, it was Mr Darby's fault.

He and Mrs. Darby came over, woke your mother up,

and fixed breakfast for her.

If it hadn't been for that, she never

would have known I'd been out of the house.

You mean you did go out and play golf?

No, I just went to the driving range.

You were the one who suggested it, remember?

I just thought that the next time you came over

to the house, you might casually mention

that you saw me in the kitchen fixing your mother's breakfast.

You mean you want me to perjure myself?

What do you mean? Well, you saw me.

Yeah, but all I saw was the defendant

eating exhibit A, a breakfast.

Well I only ate it because your mother was still asleep.

Come on, Dave.

You know what I mean.

I'll tell you what, Pop, why don't you

try to get some good, solid evidence, something

he can't eat?

Hey, that's it.

The Kewpie doll, that's evidence.

The Kewpie doll?

Yeah, I rang the bell.

Yeah, that might work at that.

Sure.

- Temporary insanity. - No, no no no.

It is temporary, isn't it, Pop?

Well, yeah-- no-- uh.

Good afternoon, sir.

Good afternoon.

Bucket of balls for you?

No, I was looking for the young lady who

was here this morning, a blonde, very attractive.

She had on a T-shirt with Ed's Driving Range across--

Ed's Driving Range. Yes.

Well, she isn't here right now.

Oh.

Well, I gave her my Kewpie doll.

You gave my wife a Kewpie doll?

Oh, your wife.

Well, see, I won one of these Kewpie dolls,

and I didn't want it, so I gave it to your wife.

I see.

The whole thing is I need it back.

Well, I'm sorry, but my wife isn't here now.

Oh, well, could I buy one of these?

Oh, no, I'm sorry. They're not for sale.

You have to win them.

You see, if you could buy them, it

wouldn't be fair to the other customers who

are trying to win them.

Oh, yeah.

Bucket of balls?

Yeah, you better give me a large bucket.

I hit it.

I hit it.

I won a Kewpie doll.

Congratulations.

Well, thank you very much.

I won one this morning.

Well, good for you.

Here you are, and congratulations.

- Thank you. - Is your name Nelson?

No, it isn't.

That's my name. Why?

Oh, I got a phone call for you.

Hello?

Well, hi.

How'd you know I was here?

Well, when you didn't mention what

score you shot this morning, I figured you'd had a bad day

and you'd be down there practicing.

I didn't go anywhere near the golf course this morning.

Oh, that's right. You explained that.

Well, it's not important anyway.

I just wondered if you'd mind picking up a box of candy

on your way home. Box of candy?

What's the occasion?

Oh, I just thought I'd like to give it to the Darbys

for being so nice to me this morning.

Well, I was nice to you this morning too, you know.

I know, dear.

You're always nice.

That's why I married you.

I'll tell you what, why don't you pick up

an extra box for yourself?

No, no, that's OK.

I'll see you later.

Dog-gonnit.

Here you are, sir.

Maybe this this'll help.

Oh, no, thanks.

I don't think anything will do any good.

Oh, go on. Take it.

I figured anybody that hits $10 worth of balls without ringing

the bell deserves something.

Hi, Mr Nelson.

Hi, Jack.

Chocolate malt as usual?

Yes, please.

Oh, I don't want I'm thinking of.

No, I want to get a box of candy.

Oh, that's OK. No problem.

What would you like?

Well, tell me this.

Mr Darby comes in here quite often, doesn't he?

Yeah, a couple of times a week.

Well, do you happen to know what kind of candy he likes?

Yeah, he usually gets those chocolates

with the soft centers.

Oh, good.

Give me a pound of peanut brittle.

What happened?

Did you lose a little bet with him at the golf course

this morning?

I didn't play golf this morning.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Jack.

I didn't mean to jump at you like that.

I guess I'm just a little edgy today.

Do you realize how unreasonable wives can be,

even when they're asleep?

If you don't mind, Mr. Nelson, I'd rather not take sides.

After all, Mrs. Nelson's a very good customer here too.

You should have seen what happened this morning.

Excuse me. I better get the candy.

Pass me the menu, please.

Thanks.

Nice day, isn't it?

It started out to be a nice day.

As I was saying to my friend here,

women sure can be unreasonable.

What do you mean by that?

Well, I just say women sure can be unreasonable at times.

What are you, a wise guy?

No, I'm not a wise guy.

Then how come you don't like women?

Well, I like women.

You do not.

There's your malt.

I didn't order a malt.

Then take it home to your wife.

At least you can do something for her today.

- Now, just a second, Jack. - Shame on you.

Shame on me? What did I do?

Hi, Kewpie doll.

Is your wife still home in bed?

Oh, I-- no.

- Shame on you. - Shame, shame.

You're a bad, bad man.

- There they are together again. - Shame on you.

- Shame on you. - Shame on you.

Shame on you.

Extra, extra, shame on Ozzie Nelson.

Shame on you.

Quiet, quiet.

Quiet in the court.

You may proceed.

He neglected me shamefully.

He's a brute.

How do you plead?

Your Honor, the defendant pleads guilty.

No, no.

I'm not guilty.

Quiet.

I find you guilty, and I hereby sentence you to 99 years

in a sand trap.

I'm not guilty.

Shame on you.

Shame on you.

Shame on you.

We've already done that.

Quiet.

I'm not guilty.

I'm not guilty.

I'm not guilty.

I'm not guilty.

Stop hitting me.

I'm not guilty.

Ozzie, wake up.

I'm not guilty.

Wake up.

You're dreaming.

Oh.

Well, thank goodness.

Now, what aren't you guilty of?

How's your cold?

Oh, it was just a silly dream.

You sure you feel all right?

I'm positive.

Oh.

I better get going.

I'm supposed to play golf with Darb.

- Oh, I'll get you breakfast. - No, no.

That's OK. I'll get my own breakfast.

You go back to sleep.

Harriet?

Where did this come from?

Oh, it's the booby prize I won last night at the women's club.

Don't you remember?

Go back to sleep, dear.

Just stay there.

Yeah, look, I'm not quite ready.

I'll be over in about 10 minutes.

Yeah.

OK.

Harriet, Harriet, surprise, breakfast.

Harriet?

Breakfast.

- Hi, Pop. - Oh, hi, Dave.

Come on in.

Mom loaned us some chairs, and I just

stopped by to return them.

Oh, yeah.

That breakfast looks pretty good.

Yeah, well, I fixed this for your mother.

I was going to serve her breakfast in bed.

But I went upstairs, and she's still asleep.

Oh?

No, no, I mean, I fixed it for her, but she's asleep.

You can go upstairs and see for yourself.

I believe you, Pop.

Well, I'll see you later.

No, no, David--

I need you, Dave.

Harriet?

I'm not very hungry right now.

No, I don't want you to eat it.

I just want you to look at it.

Open one eye.

Yeah, it's beautiful, dear.

Now, you have seen the breakfast

I fixed for you, right? Mm-hmm.

You heard her, Dave.

She said, "mm-hmm," signifying yes.

OK.

Would you sign this?

Oh, hi, Dave. What's this?

It's a receipt for breakfast.

You sign it, and I'll witness it.

What's the use of having a lawyer in the family

if you don't use them?

My son, the lawyer.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

was brought to you by new formula

Rose Lotion Vel, the dish washing

liquid that gives you new softness,

rose petal softness for hands--

new Rose Lotion Vel.