Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

Here's Rick.

And also starring in tonight's episode, here's Kris.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

is brought to you by Your Gas Company,

with pipeline companies and gas appliance and equipment

manufacturers, who help you and your family

live modern for less with gas.

That's what we do at our house.

What's going on?

Ozzie's planning a trip to the New York World's Fair.

You know, one of the most eye-opening things about

the Fair is the way it dramatizes what modern gas can

do.

Gas air conditions nearly 80% of the Fair

and heats over 90% of it.

The General Motors Futurama, the Ford Pavilion, Bell Telephone,

these are just a few of the spectacular pavilions heated

and cooled by gas.

We Nelsons chose gas heating and cooling for the same reasons.

Gas is more dependable and more economical.

All the fine restaurants at the Fair use gas.

They like gas for its speed and control.

So do I. And it's so clean.

Yeah, I can see us there now.

What a dinner we'll have at Festival 65,

the Gas Pavilion restaurant.

Hey, wake up.

Fine thing.

I was just about to taste that steak.

Well, relax.

We're having steak broiled on our own gas range tonight.

Oh, good.

Why don't you and your family live modern for less with gas?

- Hello. - Hello, Mom.

It's Kris.

Oh, hi, Kris.

Is Rick there yet? No.

Is he coming over? Yeah.

He wants to borrow some garden tools.

But give him a razor and a large tube of shaving cream,

will you? What for?

Well, believe it or not, he thinks he's growing a beard.

- A what? - A beard.

At least that's what he calls it.

How long has he been growing it?

Since the day before yesterday.

Well, then, I gather he's not exactly tripping over it yet.

No.

It's just bristly and scratchy and icky and awful.

I know, three nights on a park bench.

Have you told him how you feel about it?

I wouldn't dare.

He might get stubborn and never shave it off.

I know just what you mean.

He gets that stubborn streak from his father's side

of the family.

I don't want to put you on the spot,

but if you could say something nasty about it,

I'd sure appreciate it.

Oh, it'll be easy.

I'll talk to you later.

A suspicious-looking character just

showed up at the back door.

I think he's looking for a handout.

OK.

Bye-bye, dear.

I gather that was my wife on the phone.

- That's right. - How are you, Mom?

How about a little kiss? Oh, no, thank you.

I think I'll pass this time.

I don't know what everybody's so excited about.

I ran out of blades over the weekend

and I decided not to shave.

That's all.

Well, your father has plenty of blades upstairs.

No, that's OK.

Kris went out and bought a whole bundle of them for me.

Good.

I take it you're going to use one as soon as you get home.

No.

Now that I've got a little start here,

I think I'll see how I look with a beard.

Well, good luck.

I just came over to borrow some tools, if you don't mind.

OK.

And help yourself to the hedge clippers while you're at it.

Thanks.

I'll see you later. Bye.

Harriet, I'm home.

Hi.

Wait till you see your younger son.

Uh, my younger son?

OK, what's he done?

He's growing a beard.

Well, I saw him a couple of days ago

and he didn't have one.

He still doesn't, but he thinks he does.

He's out in the garage, if you want to take a look at it.

I'm not so sure.

Well, actually it's just a stubble right now.

Harriet, see what you think of this.

Remember that beard I wore at the Men's Club

Pageant a couple of years ago? Yeah.

What about it?

Well, I'm sure it's still up in the attic.

Why don't I go up and put it on.

And when Rick comes in to surprise me, I'll surprise him.

Well, it might help to discourage him.

I'll see if I can find it.

How does it look?

- Oh, that's beautiful. - Thank you.

It will come off, won't it?

I hope so.

Wait till Rick sees this.

Rick!

Well, he drove away.

Why didn't you stop him?

Well, I didn't realize he was going.

I thought he'd come back in here before he went home.

I went to all this trouble for nothing.

Well, that's the way it goes.

Hey, you know something.

I look pretty good.

Never mind that.

Get on upstairs and take it off.

Hey, why don't we have soup for dinner?

I've always wanted to know how that worked.

- No, you don't. - Why not?

It might be funny.

And then, again, it might not be.

Come on, get out of sight.

Harriet!

Oh, Janet, come on in.

Hi, Harriet.

Am I interrupting anything? No.

No, not at all.

Oh, I hate to keep imposing on you.

But is it OK if I borrow your typewriter again?

I have to do some work for the Women's Club tonight.

Oh, sure. I'll get it.

I know right where it is.

Oh, well, you don't want to cart that big thing all the way

home.

Why don't-- why don't I do the work for you?

Oh, that's OK.

It's no trouble at all, really.

Yes--

Janet, you've met my husband?

How do you do?

Oh, yes, of course.

You kind of surprised me.

Oh, well, I was just hanging up some coats in there.

Dear, Janet wants to borrow the typewriter.

Would you carry it out to the car for her?

Oh-- oh, of course.

Thank you.

Is your car right out front?

Oh, yes, it is.

I guess maybe I should explain about the beard.

Yeah, I wish you would.

I think it looks wonderful.

It looks sort of ...

Wow, thank you.

Actually, it's not a real beard.

It's a phony.

It comes off.

Just sort of a joke.

Oh, that's a shame.

I think I'm a little disappointed.

I must say, I'm not.

Oh, no, no.

Not so fast.

You see, she kind of likes it.

It might look better than you think.

Well, whatever you say, dear.

Thanks for the typewriter, Harriet.

Oh, you're welcome, Janet.

I might not come back.

Here you are.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, yeah, that works fine.

When are you going to take that silly thing off?

- You mean you don't like it? - Well, it's not that.

It makes me nervous.

I keep expecting my husband to walk in the door.

Well, that friend of yours Janet

seemed to think it looked pretty good.

Oh, go on.

She was just trying to get somebody to carry out

the typewriter for her.

Now, don't be too sure.

Oh, did I tell you, when I went out to the car,

that somebody drove by and took my picture?

Yes, you did, several times.

It was probably some sightseer.

And you certainly are.

Hi, everyone.

- How about some coffee? - Yeah, sounds good.

Oh, thanks.

Come on in and sit down.

Oh, hi, boys.

Oh, good evening, sir.

- Good evening. - Oh, I'm sorry, Mom.

I didn't know you had company.

- That's your father. - You're kidding.

Gee, I always thought that other guy was your father.

Hey, he is that other guy.

- Pretty neat, huh? - Yeah.

What's the idea?

Is it Back to Nature Week or something?

No.

It all started out to be a little gag on Rick.

Rick? What's he got to do with it?

Oh, evidently you haven't seen him.

No, he didn't come in the office today.

Oh.

Well, he started to grow a beard over the weekend.

Oh, yeah.

A couple of guys at school mentioned that.

What's he doing that for?

That's what I want to know.

Well, why does anybody grow a beard?

It's probably psychological.

Without realizing it, a guy wants

to attract a little attention, and this

is a good way of doing it.

So we've noticed, dear-- or whoever you are.

OK, I can take a hint.

I'll take this off in a minute.

Well, anyway, we just stopped by

to see if you wanted to go bowling with us tonight.

Hey, yeah. That sounds like a good idea.

Is it OK with you Harriet?

Oh, sure, go ahead.

Gee, you sure are a good sport Mrs. Nelson.

It took me a half an hour to get away from Ginger,

and we're not even married.

Yeah, I sure wish Rick had seen this on me.

It would have been kind of funny.

Didn't he see it?

No.

By the time I had it pasted on, he was gone.

You don't suppose he's going to show up

at the office with a beard, do you?

Probably.

Unless Kris can talk him into shaving it off tonight.

Well, she wasn't having much luck the last time

I talked to her.

That's all we need, a beatnik law clerk.

Hey, why don't you pull the same gag

your dad tried to pull? What do you mean?

Well, you could take that over to the office tomorrow.

And when Rick comes in with a little stubble on his chin,

you'd be sitting there with this crazy beard on.

Yeah, that would be pretty funny at that.

That's just what I was trying to do.

Hey, wait a second. Here's an idea.

Why don't I borrow it first?

I always see him at the malt shop in the morning.

Hey, I like that.

If he sees enough of you guys wearing

that silly looking thing, he's liable to get the message.

Oh, now, wait a second.

I don't think this looks so silly.

Then it's OK if we borrow it tomorrow, Pop?

Well, yes, unless your mother wants to wear it

to the Women's Club luncheon.

Oh, thank you, dear.

I think I'll save it till New Year's Eve.

- Anything else, stranger? - No, thanks, Jack.

Just the check. Let's see.

You had a hamburger, with mustard, relish,

and is that ketchup?

Yeah, ketchup.

I have trouble with my wife.

I can imagine.

Is she still talking to you?

Oh, yeah, she's still talking and talking and talking.

I know what you mean.

Oh, pardon me, sir.

Did you advertise for a cello player?

A cello player?

It's me, Wally.

Oh, of course.

I should have recognized the waistline.

Hey, what's all this with the beards around here?

Oh, this is just a phony.

It's for a gag I'm going to play on, Rick.

Is he here?

Yeah, he's right over there in the second booth.

Oh, good.

- Has Ginger seen it? - No, not yet.

Then you'd better hide.

She just came in the door.

Oh, that's great. She'll get a big kick out of it.

Watch this.

I hope you know what you're doing.

Oh, hi, honey bunch.

You ever kiss a man with whiskers?

What are you, a wiseguy or something?

- Come on, honest. - Wally?

See? It's me.

Well, what were you doing with that crazy beard?

It was just a gag.

Well, if you ask me, I don't think it was very funny.

Well, I was going to play it on Rick.

Hi, Wally. Hi, Ginger.

Hi, Rick.

Are you going over to the library?

Oh, not right now.

- OK, I'll see you later. - So long, Rick.

Uh, Rick?

Yeah.

Oh, never mind.

I'll see you later.

Now, look what you made me do.

What are you talking about?

Rick didn't see me with a beard on just

because you had to come along and butt in.

Me?

Yeah, you're always showing up at the wrong time.

Oh, I am, am I?

Oh, now, honey, sweetheart, baby doll.

Don't you, baby doll me, you masher.

Two chocolate malts, please.

See, I just ordered you a chocolate malt and it's on me.

Now, honey, watch your blood pressure.

Oh!

Ow!

Hi.

- Oh, hi, Dave. - Rick get in yet?

No, not yet. But Wally came by.

He left something for you.

Oh, good.

Here.

It's all yours.

Did Wally tell you about this?

I mean, about the gag I'm going to pull on Rick.

Yeah, he said something about Rick growing a beard.

I can hardly wait to see it.

Me, either.

Of course, I think we can do without it around here.

Yeah, I'm afraid I agree with you.

Do you want me to help you put that on?

No, that's OK. I can handle it.

Be sure and signal me when he comes in.

OK. You'll come out here, won't you?

I don't want to miss out on the fun.

OK.

And you better wipe that smile off your face.

This is supposed to be a dignified office.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Rick.

Anything new?

No, not that I can think of.

Yeah.

Dave, you better for your appointment.

Appointment? Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Anything interesting happen over the weekend?

No, nothing special.

I like the way you've done your hair.

Oh, thank you.

Notice anything different about me?

All right, I saw it.

What do you think?

I think maybe you better hide before Mr. Crawford gets here.

Mr. Crawford, who is he?

A new client, and very important.

And it's just possible he might not approve

of law clerks wearing beards.

What time does he due over here?

- In about an hour. - Well, I'll be gone by then.

Tell Dave I'll be right back. Wait a minute.

Where are you going?

Just downstairs to get a cup of coffee.

- Rick! - I'll be right back.

Good afternoon.

My name is Crawford.

I have an appointment with Mr. Nelson.

Oh.

Oh, yes, Mr. Crawford.

I realize I'm a little early, but I

wonder if he could see me now.

Well, I'm sure that'll be fine.

Won't you be seated for a moment, please.

Yeah.

Ta-dah.

I'm sorry.

This is Mr. Crawford, Mr. Nelson.

Oh. How do you do, Mr. Crawford?

How do you do?

Please, excuse the entrance.

It was just kind of a little office joke on my brother.

Your brother?

Well, he just stepped out for a moment.

Oh. Won't you come into my office?

Thank you.

May I compliment you on your beard?

It's very nice.

Yours looks very nice, too.

Well, thank you.

I noticed quite a few professional men

are wearing beards these days.

Like I always say, you show me a man with a beard,

and I'll show you a man with character and individuality.

You think I ought to tell him?

Are you kidding?

I'll have to wear this thing every time I see him.

Who knows, you may get to like it.

Oh, by the way, when Ricky gets back, tell him he's fired.

Harriet!

What is it?

My picture's in the paper.

It is!

Yeah, practically half a page.

- You sure that's you? - Well, sure.

Remember I told you somebody took my picture when

I was putting the typewriter in Janet's car?

What is it, an ad or something?

Well, sort of.

See, the Emporium has this roving photographer,

and he goes around taking pictures.

And if they use your picture in the paper,

you get a gift certificate for $50.

Well, that's wonderful.

Congratulations.

Gee.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

I've got to get down there and claim it by closing time

tonight.

Oh, well, you've still got time.

In fact, I'll go with you.

They have some beautiful new lamps down there,

and a tablecloth and some towels we could use.

Oh, no you don't.

This is my gift certificate.

You go get your own beard and get your picture taken.

Well, it was worth a try.

Gee, I hope they'll recognize me without the beard.

Oh, I'm sure they will.

At least I think they will.

That's your nose and those are your eyes.

You can't see the nose very well--

shadows there, and the mustache kind of covers it.

Come to think of it, you can't see your eyes very well,

either.

Well, I was squinting on account of the sun.

Believe me, it's me.

I saw the man take my picture.

Oh, I believe you.

I just think it might be a little easier to convince them

if you wore the beard down there.

Wore a phony beard down to the Emporium?

Well, that's ridiculous.

For a $50 gift certificate.

I'll phone David.

Hello.

Dave, it's me.

Oh, hi, Pop.

Look, Dave, I need to borrow the beard back again.

Oh, what do you need it for?

Well, I won some crazy contest down at the Emporium.

It's kind of a long beard-- a long--

Kind of a long story.

But I need the beard to wear down there.

Oh, gee, I don't have it.

Well, where is it?

Well, I loaned it back to Wally.

He's wearing it to a masquerade party tonight.

Oh, no.

Gee, I'm sorry.

It's over at Ginger's sorority at the Kappa house.

He's probably there by now if you want to try and reach him.

Oh, no, that's OK, Dave.

Yeah, well, thanks just the same.

What's the matter?

Well, Wally is wearing the beard tonight

to some masquerade party.

Oh, that's a shame.

There goes my gift certificate.

Oh, I wouldn't give up that easily.

Do you know where the party is?

Oh, yeah, it's at Ginger's sorority, the Kappa house.

Well, why don't you go over and borrow it for half an hour?

Oh, I couldn't do that.

Well, OK.

I sure hate to see you lose a new fishing

reel or a new tackle box or a new bowling ball or a golf bag.

I'll get right over there.

Or a new lamp or a tablecloth or some towels.

Good evening, sir.

May I help you?

Yeah, my name is Nelson, Ozzie Nelson.

Oh, yes, Mr. Nelson.

Well, the chaperones are in the den.

Oh--

No, I'm not one of the chaperones.

I want to talk to one of your guests.

Oh, well, it may be a little difficult

to find anyone right now.

We're all wearing our masks.

Oh, so I see.

Well, this is Wally Plumstead.

Oh, I know Wally.

Well, he's a little on the chubby side.

He shouldn't be too difficult to find.

I know.

I just saw Humpty Dumpty go by here.

- Well, was he wearing a beard? - Oh, no.

I don't think so.

Well, Wally is wearing a beard.

Well, that narrows it down a little bit.

Why don't you just go on in and look around?

OK. Thank you very much.

Wally? I beg your pardon.

- Are you Wally Plumstead? - Oh, no, sir.

I'm General Grant.

Oh, I'm sorry, General.

Oh, Wally, I'm sorry, but I need the beard.

It's a wonderful costume.

The bald head is terrific.

I beg your pardon.

Good evening, Professor.

Professor, I'd like you to meet Mr. Nelson.

Oh. Oh, how do you do, Professor?

Mr. Nelson.

Nice to know you.

I was just looking for somebody.

Pardon me, please.

Mr. Nelson.

Oh, Wally, gee, I've been looking all over for you.

Call me Abe Lincoln.

I don't want anybody to find out who I am.

Oh.

Look, Mr. Lincoln, or Abe, if I may,

I wonder if I could borrow your beard for about a half an hour.

- My beard? - Yes, could you lend it to me?

Well, gee, I can't do that.

Everybody I'll find out who I am.

It's really awfully important.

It's worth $50 to me.

$50.

Well, why didn't you say so? Could you give it to me in cash?

I have a little trouble cashing checks.

Oh--

Not for you. For me.

Oh, gee. I don't know.

Oh, here's a mustache I'm not using.

Oh, well, thanks, but I need the whole beard.

Can't you talk him into it, Ginger?

- I beg your pardon. - That's not Ginger.

Oh--

Oh!

So there you are, fatso.

I had a hunch that was you.

Why, young lady, there must be some mistake.

There's been a mistake all right, and you made it.

Yow!

Talking to somebody else, huh?

Now, sweetie pie, I can explain everything.

I can explain everything!

You couldn't come with me because you were home

in bed with a cold.

I said that, Honest Abe?

Pardon me.

May I have the beard, please?

Help yourself.

If you wait a couple of minutes, you can have the scalp too.

The beard will be fine.

Thank you.

Now, baby doll, sweetie pie, honey!

Yes, sir.

What can I do for you?

Well, I believe I'm your lucky winner for today.

Oh, yes, by golly, I guess you are.

There's no mistaking that beard of yours.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

If you'll just fill in your name and address,

I'll get you your certificate.

Hey, Pop.

Dave!

Boy, I'm glad I found you.

I need that beard right away.

What for?

Well, I have to be out at the airport in 15 minutes.

I have to deliver these papers to a client.

What's the beard got to do with it?

Well, this client, Mr. Crawford, has a beard

and he thinks I have one too.

He saw me with the beard when I was trying

to pull that gag on Ricky.

Well, gee, I only need this for a couple of more minutes.

Oh, come on, Pop, please.

I'll just make it if I leave right now.

Thanks a lot.

See you later.

Excuse me.

Did you see a gentleman standing here, a man with a beard?

Well, that wasn't a gentleman.

That was me. You?

Yes.

But the man I was speaking to a few moments ago had a beard.

Well, yeah.

You see, while you were gone, I gave the beard to my son.

You gave the beard to your son?

Yeah, that's right.

See, it wasn't a real beard.

It was a phony one.

And my son was wearing it this afternoon

when this client came into his law office.

And the client himself has a beard.

Oh, I see.

It's a little confusing.

I guess I might as well begin at the beginning.

See, we were trying to play this little gag on my other son,

the one who really does have a beard.

In fact, that's when the picture was taken, see,

when I was carrying the typewriter out to Mrs.--

what's her name's-- car.

And when I saw the picture in the paper,

I had to rush over to the sorority house

and get the beard back from this friend of my son's, who was

impersonating Abraham Lincoln.

Yes, I see.

Well, I'm glad you got out to the airport on time, Dave.

Yeah, the plane was about five minutes late taking off

or I never would have made it.

I don't know what you're complaining about.

This is Ginger and this is the other girl.

And I don't even remember her name.

I was lucky to get out of the Emporium alive.

If your mother hadn't come down there to identify me,

I'd still be there.

Oh, it was a pleasure.

You should see the beautiful lamp I got.

Oh, yeah.

Well, not to mention that.

All this just because I thought

it might be fun to grow a little beard.

Oh, which reminds me.

I suggest we take a family vote.

All those in favor of Rick shaving off his beard?

OK, I surrender.

My wife doesn't like it.

My mother doesn't like it.

My father doesn't like it.

My brother doesn't like it.

And my best friend doesn't like it.

And besides, I was going to shave it off anyway.

It's beginning to itch.

Before you change your mind, may I suggest you go upstairs

and shave it off right now?

I might want to kiss you on the way home.

I think I'll take you up on that.

It's the best offer I've had in several days.

You know, it does seem kind of a shame, though.

It's really starting to look good.

I'll bet you if I gave it one more week--

Oh, no you don't.

You're darn right he doesn't.

There--

I used to be able to do this by myself.

Let me off at the barbershop.

Donna, is there anyone finer

in the state of Carolina?

If there is and you know her, show her to me.

Donna, with her Dixie eyes blazing, how I'd love to

sit and gaze in to the eyes of Donna Lee.

Every night, why do I shake with fright?

Because my Donna might change her mind about me.

Donna, if she wandered to China, I would hop an ocean liner just

to be with Donna Lee.

Donna, if she wandered to China, I would hop an ocean liner just

to be with Donna Lee.

Donna Lee.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

was brought to you by your Gas Company.

Which helps you live modern for less with gas.

That's what we Nelsons do.