Original subtitles

"The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring

the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie.

Here's Harriet.

Here's David.

And here's Rick.

Here they are, America's favorite family, the Nelsons.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

is brought to you by the Colgate Palmolive Company.

We're happy to welcome our old friends

the makers of so many wonderful products like Colgate Dental

Cream--

Florient--

and Ajax Laundry Detergent.

Hi, come on in.

Hi, Oz.

Is Harriet here? No, the coast is clear.

You're sure now?

She just went over to your house.

Isn't she there?

Well, yeah, but you never can tell.

She and Clara might've sneaked back over here.

Come on, will ya?

Just a second.

I gotta make sure.

I'll be right with ya.

Hello?

She's there, all right.

What was that?

I tell you, there's nobody home except me.

Come on. Let's go.

Oh, boy.

Aren't these beauties, Oz?

Yeah, they sure are.

Hey, look.

Don't you think we oughta fix the lock on this trunk?

Well, why don't you just take those downstairs

and hide them in our hall closet?

Then you wouldn't have to come traipsing all the way up here

every time you wanted to take a look at 'em.

In your hall closet?

Are you kidding?

Harriet'd be sure and find 'em there.

Then she'd tell Clara.

Well, I don't know why you don't tell Clara about

'em anyway.

I will when the time comes.

I'm just waiting for the right moment.

When's that gonna be?

Right after she buys something extravagant.

I don't know what's the matter with her anyway.

This is the first time she's gone two weeks like this

without buying something she doesn't need.

It just seems a shame, eh?

You've got a beautiful set of golf clubs.

You don't get a chance to use 'em.

Oh, stop rubbing it in, will ya?

I know if they were mine, I sure wouldn't have 'em stashed

away in somebody's attic.

Now, how'd that get there? Oh, what is it, Oz?

What's the matter? A scratch on it?

Where?

I was just looking at old printing press.

Oh, don't do that, will ya, Oz?

You scared me to death.

You know, I gave this to Rick one

Christmas when he was about seven or eight years old.

I sure like the feel of these ions.

This really works, you know.

You can actually print stuff with it.

I wonder if it'd be taking any chances to take these out

in the backyard?

Seems a shame it's just gonna waste up here.

Still in pretty good shape.

Print looks OK.

Probably use some ink.

No, I think I'll take this downstairs

and see if it still works.

Oh, I just thought I'd take this out in the backyard

and hit a few chip shots.

Wait a second.

Hello!

She's still there.

Come on, will ya?

Who's at the door?

Well, I'm--

Kids.

Come in, fellas.

- Hi, Mr. Nelson. - Hi.

Well, hi, boys.

What can I do for ya?

Our airplane got stuck up on your roof.

Would you get it down for us?

Well, I can try.

Whereabouts is it?

It's right up by the chimney.

What happened to your leg, Mr. Randolph?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just a golf club.

See?

Right up there.

Oh, yeah.

I'll get the ladder.

And I'll help ya.

What happened to Mr. Randolph?

He got a golf club stuck in his pants.

Well, that's a long ways up there.

Yeah.

Do you want me to go up, Mr. Nelson?

- I'll go up. - Ah, that's OK, fellas.

You guys just stand back.

Mr. Randolph will go up.

I'll hold the ladder.

Why don't I hold it?

I'm stronger than you are.

What do you mean you're stronger than I am?

Well, then let's say I'm chicken-er.

Come on.

It's your roof.

Now, hold it steady.

If you feel yourself going, try to fall over that way.

I don't want you to break my new club.

Fore!

What the heck ya trying to do?

Knock me off the roof?

Sorry, Oz.

I didn't know I was such a good shot.

Thanks, Mr. Nelson.

Yeah, thanks, Mr. Nelson.

Thank you too, Mr. Randolph.

He didn't do nothing.

I know.

But it's always polite to say thank you.

Thanks, Mr. Randolph, even if you didn't do nothing.

Say, uh, boys, have you guys ever seen a printing press?

You mean a real one?

Well, not exactly, but it works.

Come on in the house.

I'll show it to you.

Used to belong to Ricky.

Fore!

What the heck ya trying to do? Kill me?

I wasn't hitting a ball.

I was just trying out my swing.

Sure takes a nice divot, doesn't it?

You just set the type in place there, ink it up,

and you're all set to roll.

Gee, that's neat.

Can I print my name with this?

Sure, you can print anything.

You got all the letters there.

What else can you print?

Oh, posters, menus, tickets.

Let's print some tickets to the movies.

Then we can get in free.

I'm afraid that wouldn't be legal.

You can print up cards, invitations, wedding

announcements. Who's getting married?

Not me.

I hate girls.

Got any silver polish?

I got some dirt on my club.

Would you settle for a couple of paper towels?

Well, OK.

They're right under the sink there.

Hey, here's an idea.

Why don't you guys start up a little newspaper?

Couldn't do that, Oz, not with that little press.

Oh, sure they could.

You know, just a couple of pages, neighborhood news.

It'd be a lot of fun.

What do ya think?

I don't know.

We could sell subscriptions and make some money.

Where would we get the news?

We could get it from television.

Well, no, I mean just the things

that happen around the neighborhood here.

Come on, Oz.

Nothing interesting ever happens around here.

Well, sure it does.

Besides, a good reporter digs up his own news.

That's half the fun of it.

Billy's little brother got some polliwogs

for his birthday.

Yeah, I gave 'em to him in a glass of lemonade.

You see?

That's the kind of stuff I mean.

Ozzie, Joe, you out there?

Yeah.

Oz!

What's the matter?

The club.

Hide it back up in the attic.

Hide it yours-- why don't you tell Clara you bought a new set

of clubs and stop this sneaking around?

I can't tell her, not yet.

Joe!

Oh, come on, will ya, Oz?

Is that you, Clara, honey?

Well, there you are.

Hello, dear.

Hi, Harriet.

Hi, Joe.

Trying to hide from me, were you?

Hide?

Now, why would I be hiding?

Because you don't wanna go over and see Doc Williams' new

rose bed. You're right.

Well, I know it's a big nuisance.

But after all, you did promise him.

Well, OK, come on.

Let's get it over with.

I'll be seeing ya, Oz. OK.

See you later, Harriet.

Will you, uh, return the you know what to you know where?

Don't worry about it.

Are you coming?

OK, OK.

See you later, folks. Goodbye, Joe.

Bye, Joe.

Boy, they sure have their problems, don't they?

They sure do.

Well, hi, fellas.

- Hi, Mrs. Nelson. - Hi.

What's this?

Well, that's a printing press I gave Rick when he

was a little fella, remember?

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Nelson was showing us how to work it.

Good.

You know, boys, I've been thinking about this.

This is just gonna waste up in our attic.

Would you guys like to have it?

Gee, thanks, Mr. Nelson.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

And thank you too, Mrs. Nelson.

What for?

It's polite.

You said so.

Goodbye, boys.

Bye, Mr. Nelson.

So long.

Now, what were you gonna take where?

What's this?

That double top Joe was giving you in there.

Oh, oh.

Well, it was, uh, nothing important.

Just, uh-- well, I'll see you later.

I-- suddenly I want to do upstairs.

Well, hi there.

What can I do for you?

I'm taking subscriptions for my brother's newspaper.

Oh, they're starting to print up a newspaper.

Well, good for them.

It has all the latest news in the neighborhood.

Ah, that sounds great.

How much is it?

$0.02 a copy.

And if you buy a month subscription,

you get a free polliwog with it.

Well, that's quite an inducement.

And a glass of lemonade.

Well, naturally, so the polliwog can swim.

You can have a lifetime subscription for a dollar.

Oh, OK.

I'll take a lifetime subscription then.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Nelson.

And if you pay cash, you get five extra copies.

Here's a dollar.

Let me put my name down on the pad there.

Here you are, Mrs. Nelson.

Our first edition.

Yeah, hot off the presses.

Well, gee, this is great.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

That's OK.

Yeah, that's OK.

We got a lot more deliveries to make.

Oh, well, I'll see you later. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Your morning paper just arrived.

Oh, thank you.

What's this?

Your morning paper.

It's the first edition of "The Naborhood News"

hot off the press.

Oh, how about this?

Hey, how about this?

I'm writing the headlines.

Well, good for you.

What does it say?

"Ozzie Nelson, hero."

Well.

What'd that cost you?

Hey, listen to this.

"This week's hero is Mr. Ozzie Nelson.

He 'clumbed' up on his high roof and got our plane.

It was very 'dangeroos,' but he did not care."

Well, "congrootulations."

I must say this paper shows a lot of promise.

A toast to our hero.

Skol.

Skol.

Hey, Oz.

Oh, hi, Joe. Come on in.

I suppose you've seen this?

Yeah, how about that? I'm a hero.

Who cares?

Did you see what they said about me?

No, what is it?

Right here.

"Mr. Randolph hides new golf clubs in attic

so his wife can't find them."

It says that?

Well, actually, it says so his "wif" can't find 'em.

Well, did Clara see it?

You're darn right, I did.

How would ya like to watch me do some expensive shopping

this afternoon, Harriet?

That is, if I'm still speaking to you.

Now, what'd I do?

Am I in the paper too?

"Flash.

Is it true that the Randolphs have 'prooblems?'

Mrs. Nelson says so."

Did I say that?

Oh.

Well, yes, you did, remember?

Course, you were only kidding.

Oh, well, sure, I didn't mean you had real "prooblems."

Uh, problems.

I think we oughta put a stop to this thing right now.

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Yes, she's here.

Oh, well, just a second.

It's for you, Clara. It's Doc Williams.

Doc Williams?

What does he want? I don't know.

He said something about looking at his rose bushes

being a nuisance.

Did they put that in the paper?

Whose idea was this anyway?

Well, don't look at me.

This is the culprit right here.

You just can't give a printing press to a couple of boys

and allow them to victimize the neighborhood.

Well, maybe they'll forget about it.

Why, your rose bushes are the talk of the neighborhood.

"Ozzie Nelson, hero."

No!

No, no, I mean, they're just beautiful.

How about those kids?

Ozzie, we got a visitor.

- Oh, hi, Dave. - Hi, pop.

I got a little present for ya.

Well, thank you.

Let's see now, it's not my birthday.

I haven't had a birthday in years.

I was getting too much older than your mother.

Go on.

Open it.

What are you so curious about?

I want the ribbon.

Oh.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Hey.

Thank you, Dave. Don't mention it, pop.

You deserve it.

Merci beaucoup.

Oh, it's beautiful.

How'd you find out about my little act of heroism, Dave?

Are you kidding?

That neighborhood scandal sheet has a tremendous circulation.

What do you mean scandal sheet?

Have you seen it?

No, not actually.

Why not take a look at it?

I thought I'd destroyed all those copies.

Oh, what for?

After all, the kids are only printing the truth.

Can't argue against the freedom of the press.

Heck, no, mom.

That's one of our constitutional guarantees.

Well, I know that.

But sometimes when you take a remark out of context,

it takes on a completely different meaning.

You mean pop isn't really a hero?

Oh, yes, he is.

I climbed on the roof and rescued an airplane

in distress.

Well, sure, if you can believe everything you read.

Well, I have to get going. I'll see you later.

OK.

And uh, thanks again for the medal, Dave.

All I can say is I deserve it.

Thanks, mom.

I will. Hey.

Looks like the second edition of "The Naborhood News."

Oh.

Well, let's see what they've got to say about me this time.

You made the headlines again.

No kidding?

"Hero, trains, and banana splits."

How about those kids?

"For the last three days, our hero, Mr. Nelson,

ate a banana split and a chocolate pie at the malt shop

before dinner."

Look at the way they spelled "chocolate."

Never mind that.

No wonder you haven't been eating all your dinner lately.

And no wonder all the buttons have

been popping off your pants.

I stop by there one night before dinner.

And what's this about buttons--

Oh.

"Man bites dog."

I didn't bite no real dog.

I mean, like, an Airedale or a poodle or nothing.

Every day I stop by the wagon and have a hot dog.

"Doc Williams gets gassed every Friday night."

Every Friday night on my way home from the office,

I stop off at the service station

and get my car filled up with gas.

"Mrs. Schaeffer beats her husband."

I beat him at golf!

Gave you four strokes aside.

OK, OK.

"Good guy of the week.

Jack at the malt shop.

He gave a free box of candy to a very pretty blonde lady.

Her name is Bubbles La Tassle."

I didn't know her name was Bubbles.

She forgot her purse.

She paid me the next day.

If anybody sees my wife, please tell her.

Fellas, Harriet said you wanted to see me.

Well, sit down.

We'll stand if you don't mind.

I'll get right to the point, Oz.

I've got a little petition here, and it's signed

by everybody on this block.

- The entire neighborhood. - Petition?

That's right.

And it petitions you as the prime instrument

in the creation of the yellow tabloid and scandal sheet known

as "The Naborhood News" to close down

said presses immediately or suffer the consequences.

Are you kidding?

In other words, get that printing press back

from those kids.

Joe.

There's an angry mob forming outside.

Word to the wise is sufficient.

But our-- fellas.

Hi, Mr. Nelson.

Hi, Jack.

Oh, I, uh-- I see you're entertaining a couple

of members of the working press over there.

Yeah, they've become pretty steady customers lately.

Well, look, uh, will you bring me a chocolate

malt and the kids' check?

It's on me. OK.

And good luck.

Uh, thanks.

Oh, uh, I've been trying to get your attention.

Yeah, I know.

But I don't dare wait on her till after the kids leave.

I'll try to keep 'em occupied, then you can sneak over there.

Well, hi there, fellas.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Nelson. - Hi.

Do you mind if I join ya?

Oh, no.

Sit down.

How do you like my hat?

Oh, hey, that's pretty nice.

Well, I guess you guys must be getting pretty tired of putting

out that paper by now.

Heck no.

- It's fun. - Oh?

I thought maybe you'd rather have some time

to go out and play ball or something.

Oh, we do.

We have plenty of time.

Well, yeah, but there must be some interesting things

you're missing out on.

Like what?

Well, uh, I understand they're having a yo-yo contest

at the playground tomorrow.

Are you interested in yo-yo, Mr. Nelson?

How do you spell yo-yo?

Oh, no.

It's not for me.

I mean, I just thought you guys might be interested.

I suppose we could interview the winner.

Uh, well, uh, look, fellas.

Oh, thank you.

I'll come right to the point.

Uh, when I gave you that printing press,

I really hadn't asked Rick if it was all right.

I mean, it was his.

And I probably didn't have any right to give it away.

You mean you're gonna take it back?

How do you spell Indian giver?

No.

I won't just take it back.

I'm willing to pay ya $5 for it.

We couldn't do that, Mr. Nelson.

It wouldn't be fair.

Besides, without the printing press,

we couldn't put out the paper.

Gee, I wish you'd think it over, boys.

We'll let you know if we change our minds.

But don't count on it.

Well, hey.

Why don't I take your check?

No, thanks, Mr. Nelson.

We can handle it.

And good luck with the yo-yo contest.

Yeah, I hope you win.

Maybe they've got a secret knock.

- Like what? - Well, I don't know.

Just knock like a secret knock sounds.

Nobody in there.

Well, should we go in, look around?

Let's try.

You've got it fixed up pretty nice.

Yeah.

Here's the thing that's been causing all the trouble.

Don't even have it nailed down.

Yeah.

Somebody could walk right in here and steal it.

That's right.

No, we couldn't do that.

I didn't say anything.

Well, why couldn't we?

That's what we came after, isn't it?

Well, yeah.

What are we waiting for?

Well, I suppose we could explain it to 'em later.

Oh, sure.

This has upset a lot of people, Oz.

OK.

Copy of the Bill of Rights.

Look what these kids have underlined here.

Article one, the part about freedom of the press.

"Congress shall pass no law."

I remember it.

George Washington looking at us there.

Declaration of Independence.

Spirit of '76.

Let's get outta here.

Oh, hi, Mr. Nelson.

Oh, uh, hi. Hi, Billy.

Hi, Mr. Randolph.

Hi.

Uh, we were just looking at your printing press.

We knocked, but there was nobody here.

Oh, that's OK.

Billy's the editor, you know.

Yes, I know, uh, Billy and Pat.

Who's Pat?

Oh, just a guy.

Uh, I don't believe we've met your friend.

Oh, she's just a girl.

My name's Susie.

Billy's gonna take me to the movies next Saturday.

Maybe.

Billy, Mr. Nelson has something

he wants to talk to you about.

No, uh, that's OK.

Uh, never mind.

Well, I--

No, no, I, uh--

I have a better idea.

Well, uh, bye.

Bye, Mr. Nelson.

Bye.

Oh, gee, that's great Jack.

Thanks a lot.

Was this yesterday?

And what was her name again?

Miss Ferguson.

Thanks a lot, Jack.

This is great.

Come on, Oz.

Hurry up.

Hi, fellas. Hi, Mr. Randolph.

Hi, boys.

Hi, Mr. Nelson.

What'd you wanna see us about?

We've got something we wanna show you.

Uh, we've been thinking about starting up a neighborhood

newspaper ourselves.

We just wanna find out if it was all right with you fellas

if we went ahead with it. Sure.

I guess so.

We just figured we'd check it out with you guys first.

Uh, we've got a copy of it right here.

Listen to a few of these items and see what you think.

Uh, "Does Chubby Haynes really sell his lunch

to get candy money?"

Boy, wait'll Chubby's mother reads about that.

Yeah.

"We understand that one of the editors of a local neighborhood

newspaper is taking a pretty little girl named Susie

to the movies this weekend."

That isn't us.

We don't go out with girls, do we?

Well, sometimes if your mom made

ya, and her father gives her the money,

and you don't have to sit with her anyway.

You mean you are?

Here's another one.

"Pat Thompson was in the malt shop

yesterday buying his teacher Miss Ferguson a banana split."

You were?

I didn't buy it for her.

There was no place else to sit.

It's just like me and Susie.

I'm not really taking her to the movies.

I didn't even see Miss Ferguson till after I sat down.

Well, it looks innocent enough, doesn't it?

Yeah, it certainly does.

Did ya have any trouble getting it back?

No.

After we read him a few items from our newspaper,

we took him downtown and bought him a baseball and a bat.

See?

Most people don't take the trouble to understand kids.

But uh, if you're reasonable with them

and respect their point of view, they'll be reasonable with you.

Well, yeah, most of the time.

I guess it's just that I like kids.

What?

Oh, come on, boys.

How many times do I have to tell ya not to play baseball

so close to the house?

Now, go on down to the vacant lot and play, will you, fellas?

Darn kids.

Tonight's "Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet"

was brought to you by the Colgate Palmolive

Company, our old family friend and brand new sponsor.

Remember, there's something for everyone--

in Colgate's family of fine products.