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1
00:00:26,859 --> 00:00:30,580
Good evening. It's pure joy to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ross?
2
00:00:30,620 --> 00:00:34,000
Indeed it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be showing you the new
3
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,080
Mafia scarecrow.
4
00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:39,360
It's so terrifying, not only do the
birds not take any seed, they bring back
5
00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:40,360
seed they took last year.
6
00:00:41,780 --> 00:00:46,220
And we'll be out and about with the
Bishop of Bath and Wells to see him
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00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:50,200
consecrate a swimming pool, bless three
wells, confirm a bidet and christen a
8
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:51,200
low -level suite.
9
00:00:53,610 --> 00:00:57,150
In the High Court today, a man
complained of a noise made by an amorous
10
00:00:57,150 --> 00:00:58,089
in the flat above.
11
00:00:58,090 --> 00:01:01,590
Each evening, they'd sing the red flag,
then eat supper and have fun on the sofa
12
00:01:01,590 --> 00:01:03,390
and take a very naughty bath together.
13
00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:06,450
So every night, it was hammer and
tickle, cheese and pickle, slap and
14
00:01:06,450 --> 00:01:07,450
bubble and squeak.
15
00:01:10,830 --> 00:01:15,790
Complaints. Complaints were made
following the annual chef's fancy dress
16
00:01:15,790 --> 00:01:16,790
last night.
17
00:01:16,870 --> 00:01:21,250
A woman dressed only in gooseberries and
cream made an improper suggestion to a
18
00:01:21,250 --> 00:01:22,530
man dressed in cake and cherry.
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She made a proper fool of herself and he
got a trifle excited.
20
00:01:27,780 --> 00:01:31,860
Mr. Osbert Grove, Britain's worst
postman, who claims he was wrongfully
21
00:01:31,860 --> 00:01:36,260
dismissed by the GPO, today delivered a
petition to the Queen at 19 Riversdale
22
00:01:36,260 --> 00:01:37,260
Road, Ashton -under -Lyne.
23
00:01:40,660 --> 00:01:47,160
Finally, Rolo Belch, Britain's most
bilious man, suffered a major setback
24
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:50,900
in his bid to sue the old Istanbul
Donner Kebab House.
25
00:01:51,370 --> 00:01:52,850
His stomach settled out of court.
26
00:01:55,050 --> 00:01:57,990
And now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett in the role of a schoolboy with
27
00:01:57,990 --> 00:02:00,050
short legs who learns to play the cello.
Signs out.
28
00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:33,200
No, this is 63 Puddle Duck Lane.
29
00:02:33,500 --> 00:02:34,500
Well, that's near enough.
30
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,900
I've got this parcel here for Mr.
31
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J -O -N -E -S.
32
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,180
Mr. J -O -N... Oh, that's me, Robinson.
33
00:02:43,620 --> 00:02:44,620
It's me.
34
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:50,800
Have you got any identification on you,
like some of your dress you like?
35
00:02:51,180 --> 00:02:52,200
Well, of course I have.
36
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,640
That. Oh, yeah, that's good enough.
37
00:02:55,380 --> 00:02:58,120
You go in and I'll knock.
38
00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:00,470
I can't get in, it's locked.
39
00:03:00,630 --> 00:03:01,630
Oh, well, you knock.
40
00:03:02,170 --> 00:03:04,450
Well, I don't think anyone will answer.
Why not?
41
00:03:04,730 --> 00:03:05,730
Because I live on my own.
42
00:03:06,450 --> 00:03:07,930
Don't you have a key?
43
00:03:08,250 --> 00:03:11,690
Well, of course I've got a key, but it
don't fit. Why don't it fit?
44
00:03:12,030 --> 00:03:15,130
Well, if I lost it, anyone could get in,
wouldn't they? Oh, yeah.
45
00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:18,450
You're no fool, are you? No, of course
I'm not.
46
00:03:19,030 --> 00:03:22,910
Well, listen, I'm going to sit down
here, and while we're waiting, I'm going
47
00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:23,888
twiddle my thumb.
48
00:03:23,890 --> 00:03:26,430
Oh, really? The missus always does mine.
49
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,700
My toes did half ache.
50
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:34,660
I think I've got me shoes on the wrong
feet.
51
00:03:35,140 --> 00:03:36,760
Well, those be early on, then.
52
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,480
You know he's in London.
53
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,800
Meant to ask you something. Was it you
or your missus was knocked down by a bus
54
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:46,698
the other day?
55
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:47,700
When was that?
56
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,080
Tuesday, wasn't it? Oh, that'll be the
missus.
57
00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:52,040
Where were you?
58
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,100
I was driving the bus.
59
00:03:55,740 --> 00:03:58,480
Do you miss her? I did Monday. I ran out
of petrol.
60
00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:04,210
last night. No.
61
00:04:04,550 --> 00:04:06,830
Oh, that's funny. Your voice usually
travels from oil.
62
00:04:08,470 --> 00:04:09,470
Yeah.
63
00:04:14,110 --> 00:04:16,209
What are you laughing at in that paper?
64
00:04:16,470 --> 00:04:17,790
I don't know. I can't read.
65
00:04:19,269 --> 00:04:20,930
I can't give it here.
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00:04:21,370 --> 00:04:27,010
Oh, look. It says, Vicar posed as duck
in blue movies with girl guides.
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00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:29,150
You never read that.
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00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:30,970
You're a friend of the Vicar's.
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00:04:32,090 --> 00:04:36,830
No, he says here, the vicar has three
previous convictions and the duck has
70
00:04:38,710 --> 00:04:41,690
Terrible thing happened to my brother,
you know, on his wedding night. Oh?
71
00:04:41,690 --> 00:04:42,990
not actually him, to his bride.
72
00:04:43,390 --> 00:04:48,090
They locked her in the bathroom and
dressed the duck up in all the bridal
73
00:04:48,230 --> 00:04:49,490
Oh, did he notice?
74
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,530
Not to the following Easter, no.
75
00:04:53,230 --> 00:04:55,150
He gave her an egg and she sat in it.
76
00:04:56,150 --> 00:05:00,270
Yeah, well, I can sympathise with her
because I'm short -sighted.
77
00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:02,290
Can you see that cow there?
78
00:05:02,610 --> 00:05:06,770
What, the near cow or the far cow? The
near one. No.
79
00:05:09,290 --> 00:05:12,110
I can't even see as far as me glasses.
80
00:05:13,310 --> 00:05:15,670
I tell you what, I've always wondered
this.
81
00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:19,110
Is Englebert Humperdinck his real name?
82
00:05:19,990 --> 00:05:22,610
Is Englebert Humperdinck whose real
name?
83
00:05:23,270 --> 00:05:24,270
Tom Jones.
84
00:05:26,010 --> 00:05:27,730
Probably, very probably, yeah. Oh, yeah.
85
00:05:27,970 --> 00:05:30,950
Listen, what is the postage on that?
86
00:05:31,210 --> 00:05:36,590
Well, you see, it's according to the
weight. Yeah. And that being like in
87
00:05:36,590 --> 00:05:37,890
is minus 12p.
88
00:05:39,290 --> 00:05:40,630
What shape is that?
89
00:05:40,970 --> 00:05:42,250
Well, it don't say on it.
90
00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,930
Looks like one half a Dolly Parton to
me.
91
00:05:46,290 --> 00:05:47,290
Which half?
92
00:05:47,450 --> 00:05:48,450
The small half.
93
00:05:49,490 --> 00:05:52,830
Well, I'm going to tear it now. Here you
are. You better have that.
94
00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:01,220
Your shoes are bad. You ought to take
them up the wasp name.
95
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,520
Cobblers. Well, that's nice, isn't it?
I'm only trying to help.
96
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:17,300
...with another of his own compositions,
Why Can't It Wait Till Morning? Ladies
97
00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:18,760
and gentlemen, Bill Collins.
98
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:49,320
Why can't it wait till morning?
99
00:06:53,140 --> 00:06:58,240
We talked about it then.
100
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:05,020
Because I've had a drink too many.
101
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:09,580
And my troubles, well, I ain't got any.
102
00:07:11,660 --> 00:07:13,680
Why can't...
103
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:17,300
Till daylight.
104
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:26,100
Things seem much clearer there.
105
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,880
I'm tired and my eyes are weary.
106
00:07:33,460 --> 00:07:36,120
And I just want you like.
107
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:17,520
Because I just want to hold you so close
to me.
108
00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:24,440
It'll take care of itself.
109
00:08:25,340 --> 00:08:30,340
And I want to sleep so I can't wait
110
00:08:30,340 --> 00:08:32,400
till.
111
00:09:39,820 --> 00:09:40,820
Hello, Dudley.
112
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:42,400
How's it going?
113
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:44,740
Why? What's the matter with it?
114
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:47,880
What's the matter with it?
115
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,500
I found it.
116
00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:52,200
Found it? Where then?
117
00:09:52,460 --> 00:09:55,540
In a tobacconist. Someone must have
dropped it on the carter.
118
00:09:57,260 --> 00:09:58,540
That's criminal, that is.
119
00:09:59,060 --> 00:10:00,740
Well, only if you get caught.
120
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:05,170
Nothing wrong with crime, is there? I
mean, look at Robin Hood, eh?
121
00:10:05,370 --> 00:10:07,790
I mean, he was a hero. We never stopped
robbing people.
122
00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:10,270
Well, yeah, but he only robbed the rich.
123
00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:12,450
Yeah, you know why, don't you?
124
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:15,870
Why? Well, because the poor ain't got
any money.
125
00:10:19,670 --> 00:10:22,090
Any crime in your family at all, doesn't
he, I mean?
126
00:10:22,490 --> 00:10:23,890
Oh, yeah, my sister.
127
00:10:24,930 --> 00:10:25,930
She's a stripper.
128
00:10:26,450 --> 00:10:29,230
Well, that's not a crime, is it? Taking
your clothes off.
129
00:10:29,910 --> 00:10:31,430
Oh, no, she don't take a...
130
00:10:31,790 --> 00:10:34,790
Clothes off? She goes up on her ruse and
takes the lead off.
131
00:10:36,990 --> 00:10:42,410
My brother was up before the beat once,
you know, for lighting fireworks in the
132
00:10:42,410 --> 00:10:43,410
street.
133
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,690
Selling him, was he, eh? Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Right.
134
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:52,310
I know what to do with you, my man, said
the judge. I shall make the punishment
135
00:10:52,310 --> 00:10:54,030
fit the crime, he says.
136
00:10:54,590 --> 00:11:00,110
I'm going to do to you what you done to
them fireworks, he says.
137
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,780
Well, what do you do then?
138
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,240
He let him off.
139
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:10,160
Welcome
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00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:18,120
to
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00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,240
another edition of Speak Off.
142
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:23,680
Speak off!
143
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:25,080
Speak off!
144
00:11:29,740 --> 00:11:34,380
Come, you've got to come out because,
because, because, because.
145
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:39,840
G'day.
146
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:41,560
Hello there.
147
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,860
We have a lovely afternoon.
148
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:46,320
It's true.
149
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,080
Good gracious.
150
00:11:48,820 --> 00:11:51,200
The sun is tight, crook.
151
00:11:51,580 --> 00:11:53,900
These sandwiches have an odd flavour.
152
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,780
I think I'm going to chander.
153
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,540
I think I'm going to go walk a boat.
154
00:12:02,580 --> 00:12:06,480
Yes, this is the programme designed to
familiarise you new Australians with the
155
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:07,980
language of your adoptive country.
156
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:12,140
This week we are going to look at a
linguistic phenomenon known as Wagga
157
00:12:12,140 --> 00:12:13,140
Double Talk.
158
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:17,180
This can be heard not only in Wagga
Wagga, but in townships as far apart as
159
00:12:17,180 --> 00:12:20,800
Ulladulla, Bindi Bindi, Kurikuri and
Turramurra near Sydney -Whidney.
160
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:25,720
Its originator appears to have been a
German immigrant by the name of Wilhelm
161
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,800
Nilhelm. Or Willy Nilly.
162
00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:33,310
and later died in Pago Pago of Berry
Berry.
163
00:12:34,110 --> 00:12:38,150
In Wagga Wagga Double Talk, the last
word of every sentence is either
164
00:12:38,150 --> 00:12:42,010
or rhymed. A typical greeting,
therefore, will be, G'day, Ray.
165
00:12:44,090 --> 00:12:46,630
Similarly, you will hear, What's on the
TV, Steve?
166
00:12:47,990 --> 00:12:48,990
TV being television.
167
00:12:49,190 --> 00:12:52,550
Or give us a bail mail, a bail being a
telephone call.
168
00:12:52,770 --> 00:12:57,130
Now, a racetrack becomes a horse course,
and the horse, of course, JJ.
169
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,420
the racing and a barbecue, you can have
a dabby barbie.
170
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:10,800
The natives of that fair town will
proudly point out a wogger jogger, a
171
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,780
grogger, and, of course, a wogger
wagger.
172
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:19,040
Likewise, a woggen wagon and a wagon
wogan.
173
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:27,060
If, however, you walk, being English,
you will hear the cry, going for a prom,
174
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:28,120
pom.
175
00:13:28,970 --> 00:13:31,970
Or if there are two of you, pom -pom. Or
three, and the one in the middle's
176
00:13:31,970 --> 00:13:33,530
drunk, pom -tiddly -pom -pom.
177
00:13:35,370 --> 00:13:39,290
Now we finish with a clip from the new
Australian film directed by and starring
178
00:13:39,290 --> 00:13:44,330
two of Wagga Wagga's favourite stars,
Kevin Levin and Beryl Merrill, spoken
179
00:13:44,330 --> 00:13:45,910
throughout in their native dialect.
180
00:13:46,170 --> 00:13:50,390
Recently premiered overseas in Hong
Kong, Walla Walla, Sing Sing and Mill
181
00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:56,010
In this scene, we see the local flock
doc, or sheep doctor, a man who earns a
182
00:13:56,010 --> 00:14:01,060
dinkum -inkum, a good salary, Returning
home. The film is presented with English
183
00:14:01,060 --> 00:14:02,060
subtitles.
184
00:14:06,820 --> 00:14:08,160
Well, well.
185
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,720
Some slum.
186
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,820
Duct, rough, peeling, peeling.
187
00:14:20,780 --> 00:14:23,740
Your crummy mummy is a tawdry old...
188
00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:33,710
You pong as strong as a boomer's
bloomer.
189
00:14:37,030 --> 00:14:39,250
Oh, hell's bells.
190
00:14:40,890 --> 00:14:42,590
Another pommy consomme.
191
00:14:45,130 --> 00:14:48,190
Oh, that tastes worse than a kiwi's wee
-wee.
192
00:14:52,110 --> 00:14:54,950
Look, I've got a right to some paka
-taka.
193
00:14:55,310 --> 00:14:58,670
Hot pot, roly -poly, couscous, paw.
194
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:09,680
I'm a silly bully.
195
00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:12,320
Look, let's say we go downtown.
196
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,900
We could go and see the local Amdram.
197
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,000
They're doing Floradora.
198
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:24,920
No go.
199
00:15:25,860 --> 00:15:31,160
All right, then. How about coming up on
the Zed bed for a little anky -panky?
200
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:38,120
Finally, a word of reassurance.
201
00:15:38,330 --> 00:15:41,690
If you do settle in Wagga Wagga, certain
English expressions are not only
202
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:46,230
permissible, they are actually welcome.
These include tut -tut, pip -pip, wakey
203
00:15:46,230 --> 00:15:49,390
-wakey, coochie -coochie, chin -chin,
here -here, and you -who. Bye -bye.
204
00:16:04,410 --> 00:16:06,250
Good morning, Master Shakespeare.
205
00:16:07,060 --> 00:16:08,060
Hello, Miltman.
206
00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,420
How fair is thy goodly self this many a
day?
207
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,460
Wish you'd speak the flaming Queen's
English.
208
00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:16,200
Quite the gold chop, please.
209
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:17,900
You don't sound very happy, sir.
210
00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:20,300
Something wrong with your latest play?
211
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,200
You're not wrong there, sunshine.
212
00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:25,820
I'll be right two and eight over it, I
tell you that.
213
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,660
Might I, by chance, take an itsy -bitsy
gander?
214
00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:31,540
By all means, yes. You have a little
butcher's there. Have a look.
215
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:35,620
Oh.
216
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,119
What do we know?
217
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,320
No, we don't like it. What do you mean?
No, no. Would it not be a shade better
218
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:45,940
to say, now is the winter of our
discontent, made glorious summer by this
219
00:16:45,940 --> 00:16:48,640
York. Well, that's all a bit fancy,
isn't it, eh?
220
00:16:49,180 --> 00:16:52,120
On top of that, it wasn't about what I
writ there, you know.
221
00:16:53,260 --> 00:16:56,400
Runny cold, I said to York, he think
I'll have a week in talking.
222
00:16:57,780 --> 00:16:59,060
That's all right, isn't it?
223
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:00,780
Rhymes, if you say it quick.
224
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:02,960
Relax a certain magic, sir.
225
00:17:03,830 --> 00:17:06,270
Listen, I'll tell you what, I was
working on another piece the other day.
226
00:17:06,270 --> 00:17:08,790
get you to have a look at this, see what
you think of that, see your opinion of
227
00:17:08,790 --> 00:17:09,790
that.
228
00:17:10,349 --> 00:17:12,569
Carry on, Othello. Good title, don't you
think?
229
00:17:13,810 --> 00:17:18,609
He lacks class. I mean, the main
character, Othello, does he have to be a
230
00:17:18,609 --> 00:17:19,609
bookie's runner?
231
00:17:19,670 --> 00:17:20,950
No, no, no.
232
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,990
Could be a pork butcher or something
like that?
233
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:27,089
Social worker? No, I fear you've missed
the point entirely, sir. No, no. He
234
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:30,190
should be a romantic. A romantic, a
soldier, perchance.
235
00:17:30,620 --> 00:17:33,660
Well, what do you mean, Sergeant Major
Othello in charge of the cookhouse,
236
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:34,439
something like that?
237
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:37,860
Well, if you want to make it more avant
-garde, he could be coloured.
238
00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:40,380
That's a good idea, good idea. Change
the title.
239
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,100
Chocolate Soldier, we could call it.
240
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:44,960
A bit of a joke there, as a matter of
fact. A joke?
241
00:17:45,180 --> 00:17:47,860
Yes, a bit of a joke, a bit of a gag,
you see. Someone in the audience would
242
00:17:47,860 --> 00:17:51,420
shout, sing us a bit from the Chocolate
Soldier, you see. Then Othello could
243
00:17:51,420 --> 00:17:52,420
say, which bit?
244
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,740
And the lady would shout back, the bit
with the nuts in.
245
00:17:56,940 --> 00:17:57,859
Well, in Hamlet, you see.
246
00:17:57,860 --> 00:18:00,840
Then you put them in a pair of loose
tights, you know, just to give it more
247
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,200
point. Yes, I must say, yes.
248
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:05,560
It needs a little soups en sec
somewhere.
249
00:18:05,820 --> 00:18:07,980
What do you mean, soups en sec? Have a
look at that.
250
00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:14,140
Mrs Othello, Gladys, near Ponsford,
married 27 years, 11 children, 12th on
251
00:18:14,140 --> 00:18:17,180
way. I mean, I think you've got to admit
that in the How's Your Father
252
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,060
department, Othello was quite tasty.
253
00:18:19,860 --> 00:18:22,920
Well, far be it from me to criticise the
great William Shakespeare, but it
254
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,540
certainly doesn't take one's pulses
racing.
255
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:26,820
Oh. Perhaps I should go back to selling
insurance.
256
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:31,300
What do you think? Oh, pox on that, sir.
It would be a crime indeed to deprive
257
00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:33,740
the world of the majesty of your great
work.
258
00:18:34,140 --> 00:18:36,520
There's another thing I was working on
the other day.
259
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,500
Have a butcher's at that. See what you
think. Oh, Julius Caesar.
260
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:40,739
Yes.
261
00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:41,740
Don't like it, do you?
262
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,260
You don't like it until I can tell.
263
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:44,520
Well, what would you have written?
264
00:18:44,780 --> 00:18:48,960
Well, I would have written something
like, Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend
265
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:49,960
your ears.
266
00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:53,520
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise
him.
267
00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,640
Well, that's a bit poncy, isn't it?
268
00:18:56,140 --> 00:18:57,720
I mean, look.
269
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:02,420
Look, we better plant Caesar before very
long. It's a very hot day and he's
270
00:19:02,420 --> 00:19:03,420
starting to pong.
271
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:06,100
I mean,
272
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:10,880
goodness. Listen, anyway, I can't rabbit
away here. I've got a motor on with
273
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:12,940
this. I've got a deadline here for
Saturday.
274
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,040
Richard the 111th.
275
00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:20,090
What seems to be the problem with that
one? Well, I'm stuck right at the end,
276
00:19:20,150 --> 00:19:22,890
you see. He's just finished the battle,
Richard, you see. He's all in his jack.
277
00:19:23,050 --> 00:19:24,050
He's just standing there.
278
00:19:24,210 --> 00:19:26,930
He's trying to call for help, you see.
Call him basically for help and I can
279
00:19:26,930 --> 00:19:29,670
think of nothing worth his pay. Well,
much as I would like to stay and proper
280
00:19:29,670 --> 00:19:33,630
assistance, I fear my milk round is
still very long and all on foot.
281
00:19:33,990 --> 00:19:39,390
How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable
seem to me all the uses of this world.
282
00:19:40,070 --> 00:19:42,330
You ought to get the corpse to give you
some transport.
283
00:19:42,970 --> 00:19:43,970
If only.
284
00:19:44,540 --> 00:19:47,080
A horse, a horse, my kingdom for all.
285
00:19:48,220 --> 00:19:49,220
That is it.
286
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:52,080
That is it. That is what Richard would
say at the battlefield.
287
00:19:52,540 --> 00:19:53,540
That is it.
288
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:59,480
I fought so hard, me leg's gone wonky.
Will somebody fetch me a bleeding
289
00:20:14,860 --> 00:20:16,380
You know what gets to me, Jevon?
290
00:20:18,580 --> 00:20:19,720
It's the quiet.
291
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:25,000
The slow, relentless quiet.
292
00:20:26,740 --> 00:20:27,740
Churning away.
293
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:33,140
Heating at your mind hour after hour,
never knowing if Jerry's down there.
294
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,100
Waiting.
295
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:41,280
Slow, unending quiet, crushing your
will.
296
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,060
Breaking your soul.
297
00:20:58,060 --> 00:20:59,840
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep,
cheep, cheep, cheep.
298
00:21:01,020 --> 00:21:02,840
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep,
cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep,
299
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:03,840
cheep.
300
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:06,820
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep,
cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep,
301
00:21:06,820 --> 00:21:07,820
cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep.
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep.
302
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,300
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep,
cheep, cheep, cheep.
303
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:13,720
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep,
cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep, cheep,
304
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:14,720
cheep. Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep,
cheep.
305
00:21:15,420 --> 00:21:16,420
Cheep,
306
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,180
cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep.
307
00:21:22,940 --> 00:21:24,780
Cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep
308
00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:32,880
Was it slightly out of key? What? Was it
slightly out of key? No, it was not.
309
00:21:36,620 --> 00:21:39,640
If it wasn't the wrong tune, sir, and it
wasn't out of key, sir, why did you not
310
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:46,080
like it, sir? What did he... What did
he... Just don't do it, that's all.
311
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,260
Sorry, sir. Sorry, I was only trying to
help, sir. Well, don't.
312
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:55,200
God, it's quiet.
313
00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:58,920
Listen to that. Do you hear that?
314
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:01,680
Not a sound.
315
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:11,220
Just the knowledge that somewhere, down
there, Jerry's sitting it out, waiting
316
00:22:11,220 --> 00:22:14,460
for us to make a move, to make a
mistake.
317
00:22:15,540 --> 00:22:19,760
I can't stand it. Not a sound, not a
whisper, relentless, eating at every
318
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:20,760
I can't stand it!
319
00:22:34,890 --> 00:22:36,070
It's a ship, not an aviary.
320
00:22:36,810 --> 00:22:37,810
Why do you think so?
321
00:22:38,950 --> 00:22:41,290
I thought it might relieve the tension.
Well, it doesn't.
322
00:22:43,610 --> 00:22:47,030
Bad enough having Jerry down there
without a midshipman who thinks he's a
323
00:22:47,030 --> 00:22:49,230
sparrow. It's the same family.
324
00:22:49,530 --> 00:22:55,610
No, sir. Not, sir. No, not really. The
sparrow is much more... Shut up, Jerry!
325
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:07,540
It's so damn quiet.
326
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:14,600
Not a sound, not a whisper, just this
damn, damn silence clawing at your brain
327
00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:15,780
day after day.
328
00:23:16,860 --> 00:23:19,400
God, I don't know how much more of this
I could take.
329
00:23:21,180 --> 00:23:22,540
I really don't.
330
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:28,420
How much more I could take before I
crack.
331
00:23:41,159 --> 00:23:46,360
Are you all right, sir?
332
00:23:46,580 --> 00:23:47,800
Never felt better in my life.
333
00:23:58,300 --> 00:24:03,120
What do you make of it? Sounds
334
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:08,380
to me...
335
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,260
Why would a chicken go to sea?
336
00:24:12,660 --> 00:24:14,820
I don't know why would a chicken go to
sea.
337
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,040
I'm not joking. I'm not telling a joke.
338
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,180
I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling
a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not
339
00:24:20,180 --> 00:24:20,959
telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke.
I'm not telling a joke.
340
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,060
I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling
a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not
341
00:24:23,060 --> 00:24:23,240
telling a joke. I'm not telling a joke.
I'm not telling a joke. I'm not telling
342
00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:24,240
a joke. I'm not telling a joke. I'm not
telling a joke.
343
00:24:25,980 --> 00:24:27,220
I'm not telling a joke.
344
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:28,480
I'm not telling a joke.
345
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,420
I'm not telling a joke.
346
00:24:39,370 --> 00:24:41,390
A singing rat does chicken impressions.
347
00:24:43,170 --> 00:24:46,430
Oh, I think it's a smelly rat. It's a
trickly angle, and there's a floating.
348
00:24:46,490 --> 00:24:49,450
It's not a singing rat to do chicken
impressions to fool us.
349
00:24:49,690 --> 00:24:54,070
Oh, you're right, Henry. We must leave
the area at once before we are
350
00:24:54,070 --> 00:24:55,070
discovered.
351
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:04,680
I think the danger is approaching.
352
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:10,160
Whatever it is, Jevons, we've got to
face it.
353
00:26:10,780 --> 00:26:11,780
Like men.
354
00:26:12,140 --> 00:26:13,140
Yes, sir.
355
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:03,320
Here is a very funny story, which got
very big laughs when I told it last year
356
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:04,079
in Las Vegas.
357
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:07,080
So I'd like to... No,
358
00:27:08,180 --> 00:27:10,880
I say Las Vegas. It wasn't actually in
Las Vegas, obviously.
359
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:13,620
More, you know, sort of outside Las
Vegas.
360
00:27:14,220 --> 00:27:15,220
Islington, actually.
361
00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:20,120
Incidentally, I'd like to say that it
hasn't changed me at all. No, it has
362
00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:23,580
Oh, no, it was very easy. That's because
I've now topped the bill at the
363
00:27:23,580 --> 00:27:26,200
Islington Derby and Joan Club's annual
dinner and break dance.
364
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:31,680
To get all starry and big time, but that
is not my style. I shall still be there
365
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:36,300
in person next week when the Ronnie
Corbett Fan Club holds its annual rally
366
00:27:36,300 --> 00:27:39,300
Trafalgar Square, or if wet, in a diving
suit.
367
00:27:40,340 --> 00:27:44,460
By the way, before I go any further, I
have promised to dedicate this joke
368
00:27:44,460 --> 00:27:49,680
tonight to our executive producer, a
very distinguished and senior man here
369
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:54,580
the BBC, and tipped by some to get a car
parking space in Michael Gradesworth,
370
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:55,760
the Honourable.
371
00:27:57,290 --> 00:27:58,290
My goodness.
372
00:27:58,330 --> 00:28:01,590
My goodness, there is a man who's come a
long way since he started out in this
373
00:28:01,590 --> 00:28:03,910
business as a roadie for Tubby the
Tuber.
374
00:28:05,770 --> 00:28:11,350
I met him for lunch today up in the BBC
self -service canteen where there was a
375
00:28:11,350 --> 00:28:12,350
bit of a hiatus.
376
00:28:12,690 --> 00:28:16,930
All the craze had come to a standstill
due to a points failure at Gooseberry
377
00:28:16,930 --> 00:28:17,930
Crumble.
378
00:28:18,490 --> 00:28:23,230
And over by the bar, over by the bar,
there was a bit of a celebration going
379
00:28:23,290 --> 00:28:26,650
In fact, I think some of the stagehands
have got a bit carried away because...
380
00:28:26,910 --> 00:28:29,670
when I arrived, Helena Scott was being
dusted for fingerprints.
381
00:28:31,490 --> 00:28:36,450
Apparently, apparently the grape was
flowing because one of the BBC
382
00:28:36,450 --> 00:28:39,130
had just become a father, funnily
enough, you know, tonight at the
383
00:28:39,430 --> 00:28:42,570
The baby was said to be fine with
occasional drizzle later in the day.
384
00:28:43,690 --> 00:28:48,810
Which reminds me, which reminds me, a
little wave, if I may, to my wife and
385
00:28:48,810 --> 00:28:51,890
mother of my children, in case either of
them is looking in.
386
00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:56,570
That's just a little joke to cheer her
up.
387
00:28:56,840 --> 00:29:00,140
She is rather on edge tonight, my wife,
because she has just finished writing
388
00:29:00,140 --> 00:29:04,340
her first ever romantic novel due to be
published tomorrow. An amazing
389
00:29:04,340 --> 00:29:09,880
achievement, really. 800 sizzling pages
of love, lust and raw passion.
390
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,380
Which started out as a note to the
milkman.
391
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:21,140
Last night we invited a few media people
around for dinner,
392
00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:22,400
you know, to launch it.
393
00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:26,880
evening which got off to a bad start
when Janet Street Porter wandered into
394
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:29,100
kitchen and the waste disposal unit went
for her.
395
00:29:31,580 --> 00:29:36,780
I must tell you this joke, which is
about two chaps who one day decide to
396
00:29:36,780 --> 00:29:40,740
rather an unusual bet. And talking of
unusual bets, I was reminded of this
397
00:29:40,780 --> 00:29:45,180
funnily enough, by a local vicar who had
just been into William Hills to put a
398
00:29:45,180 --> 00:29:47,360
Yankee on the Four Horsemen of the
Apocalypse.
399
00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:53,780
He was telling me... Oh, you died. Joke
there.
400
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:59,240
Too... Too... Oh, you died. And he
was... Certainly for me. Anyway, he was
401
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:03,260
telling me... He was... I'm rocking
about quite a lot tonight. He was
402
00:30:03,260 --> 00:30:06,440
that he has been having a lot of trouble
with his health, that is, the vicar,
403
00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:07,539
you know, lately.
404
00:30:07,540 --> 00:30:11,600
Grumbling appendix. Strangely enough,
when I went into my hospital to have my
405
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,740
appendix out, I had a terrible time of
it. You know, it was one of those
406
00:30:14,740 --> 00:30:18,680
operating theatres with a gallery of
medical students looking on, you know.
407
00:30:19,210 --> 00:30:20,990
I was booed off halfway through the
operation.
408
00:30:23,250 --> 00:30:27,090
To a slow hand clap and cries of, bring
back the tonsillectomy.
409
00:30:27,990 --> 00:30:30,890
I knew I should never have gone in there
because it was one of those trendy
410
00:30:30,890 --> 00:30:34,350
progressive hospitals, you know. If your
child gets a saucepan stuck in his
411
00:30:34,350 --> 00:30:37,930
head, they send around three
psychiatrists with saucepans on their
412
00:30:37,930 --> 00:30:39,350
relate to the experience.
413
00:30:40,410 --> 00:30:44,590
And if a patient's temperature is up, a
Catholic priest with a megaphone tries
414
00:30:44,590 --> 00:30:45,590
to talk it down.
415
00:30:46,910 --> 00:30:47,930
I digress.
416
00:30:49,350 --> 00:30:53,690
And when we return, at last, the story
of these two chaps who one day go to the
417
00:30:53,690 --> 00:30:55,150
cinema to see a John Wayne film.
418
00:30:55,510 --> 00:30:56,570
I can't remember which one.
419
00:30:56,990 --> 00:30:58,930
I think it was the one, you know, in
which he played a cowboy.
420
00:30:59,530 --> 00:31:03,830
But before they go in, the first chap
turns to his friend and he says, here,
421
00:31:03,830 --> 00:31:06,870
said, I'm going to bet you ten pounds
that at the end of this film, John Wayne
422
00:31:06,870 --> 00:31:07,870
falls off his horse.
423
00:31:08,490 --> 00:31:10,810
The other chap says, all right, he says,
I bet you ten pounds at the end of the
424
00:31:10,810 --> 00:31:13,890
film that John Wayne doesn't fall off
his horse. So the bet is agreed. In they
425
00:31:13,890 --> 00:31:17,870
go. And sure enough, at the end of the
film, John Wayne, having cleaned up the
426
00:31:17,870 --> 00:31:21,490
Wild West with one hand, anxious to get
as far away as possible before Pearl and
427
00:31:21,490 --> 00:31:28,390
Dean come on, leaps onto his trusty
steed and, flat, falls off the horse
428
00:31:28,390 --> 00:31:29,390
right on his face.
429
00:31:29,630 --> 00:31:32,270
Out come the two chaps. The first one
pockets the tenner. He said, there.
430
00:31:32,570 --> 00:31:33,990
He said, here. He said, I must be
honest.
431
00:31:34,310 --> 00:31:37,030
He said, I've seen that film before and
I knew he fell off his horse.
432
00:31:37,690 --> 00:31:40,130
And his friend said, yes. He said, I've
got to be honest too. He said, I've seen
433
00:31:40,130 --> 00:31:42,690
it before as well. But I didn't think
the silly fool would do it again.
434
00:32:16,690 --> 00:32:20,770
We'll be back tomorrow night. Daisy,
435
00:32:23,950 --> 00:32:28,110
Daisy, standing behind the bar.
436
00:32:28,970 --> 00:32:34,330
You're quite hazy after my 40th job.
437
00:32:34,530 --> 00:32:40,310
It's a bit of an hocus -pocus to get you
into focus.
438
00:32:40,550 --> 00:32:46,290
Your sweater just goes in and out like a
jelly mold built for two.
439
00:32:48,110 --> 00:32:52,650
Georgie Porgie's nearly as drunk as me.
440
00:32:53,790 --> 00:32:58,540
He's had four... I've had 23.
441
00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:05,260
But in spite of his fuller figure, my
capacity's much bigger.
442
00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:11,360
My hollow legs are like two kegs, and
I'm feeling my wellies too.
443
00:33:12,180 --> 00:33:18,080
Sitting and looking at all the birds
helps to pass the time.
444
00:33:21,130 --> 00:33:27,830
And some are really sublime. And we
tempt them all with
445
00:33:27,830 --> 00:33:30,290
liquor of every sort.
446
00:33:30,690 --> 00:33:36,530
All I can offer is old and stout. With
me they get something short.
447
00:33:39,020 --> 00:33:45,540
If this was the only pub in the world, I
still wouldn't eat their pies.
448
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:50,140
Nothing could be lousier than the food
in here.
449
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:53,620
It's so bad it nearly puts you off your
beer.
450
00:33:54,040 --> 00:34:00,720
If you have the ploughman's lunch, I
swear, it tastes just like mud and
451
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:08,820
Picked a pie up and broke me fingernail.
The cook here got the sack from British
452
00:34:08,820 --> 00:34:15,820
Rail. If this was the only pub in the
world, we'd eat at the vet's next door.
453
00:34:16,820 --> 00:34:19,860
Still, the drink is really good.
454
00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:23,540
Like they lot the folks here. Funny lot
of jokes here.
455
00:34:23,820 --> 00:34:26,659
Mild and bitter from the woot.
456
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:30,600
Finest in the old Kent Road. You're
blimey, fine.
457
00:34:30,940 --> 00:34:32,420
It's in the old Kent Road.
458
00:34:33,699 --> 00:34:34,940
Mine's a pint of brown.
459
00:34:35,199 --> 00:34:36,440
A pint of stuff in town.
460
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:40,719
Spent the rent, but what the heck. Get
the nectar down your neck. Keep your
461
00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:43,000
pecker up, lads, or life will ground you
down.
462
00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:47,560
Let's not ease up. Let's have an ease
up. Mine's a pint of brown. Any old
463
00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:52,340
any old time. I'll drink any old time
now and then. Same again. You keep
464
00:34:52,340 --> 00:34:56,120
and I won't say when. Half past ten.
Gentlemen, it's way past closing time.
465
00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:59,620
With a little bit of shot, I'll be back
for more next time. Next time.
466
00:35:02,290 --> 00:35:03,710
Thank you.
467
00:35:41,450 --> 00:35:42,450
Somebody's at my...
468
00:36:47,950 --> 00:36:51,010
Even now, I can't believe it happened.
469
00:36:56,550 --> 00:36:57,510
My
470
00:36:57,510 --> 00:37:07,390
name
471
00:37:07,390 --> 00:37:11,250
is Professor Martin Cratermouse.
472
00:37:11,690 --> 00:37:16,970
The Institute of Interplanetary Research
set up in 1950...
473
00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:20,940
to photograph the dark side of Patrick
Moore.
474
00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:28,700
I was in my laboratory pondering the
question, if space is infinite, why can
475
00:37:28,700 --> 00:37:30,120
never find somewhere to park?
476
00:37:30,460 --> 00:37:35,840
And I was joined by my lab assistant,
Miss Dibley. Have you seen my
477
00:37:35,840 --> 00:37:38,760
parapeticles? Yes, they're very, very
nice indeed.
478
00:37:40,140 --> 00:37:42,480
By the way, do you know you left your
glasses behind?
479
00:37:43,660 --> 00:37:44,660
Thanks.
480
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:47,680
Professor Cratermouse.
481
00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:49,920
Martin.
482
00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:53,460
There's something I've got to say to
you. My God, look at that.
483
00:37:53,780 --> 00:37:56,560
It's something I've been meaning to say
for a very long time.
484
00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:57,980
I just don't believe this.
485
00:37:58,300 --> 00:38:02,700
You see, Martin, I can't disguise my
feelings for you any longer.
486
00:38:02,940 --> 00:38:06,220
It's terrible. It's awful. It's
absolutely diabolical.
487
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:10,360
Oh, will you stop reading the small
print in that insurance policy and
488
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:11,360
me?
489
00:38:11,660 --> 00:38:12,660
Sorry.
490
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:14,020
Did you say something?
491
00:38:14,240 --> 00:38:15,240
Yes.
492
00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:20,700
I said I... Which one of you is Mr.
Martin Cratermouse?
493
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:23,040
What do you want?
494
00:38:23,940 --> 00:38:25,800
Sergeant Gadget, Scotland Yard.
495
00:38:26,660 --> 00:38:28,840
We've just found something up the
allotments, Professor.
496
00:38:29,540 --> 00:38:31,880
Something not of this earth.
497
00:38:33,080 --> 00:38:34,660
I'll be right with you. This
498
00:38:34,660 --> 00:38:44,380
is
499
00:38:44,380 --> 00:38:45,540
Mrs. Froscott.
500
00:38:45,820 --> 00:38:46,820
who made the discovery.
501
00:38:47,520 --> 00:38:49,520
We'd better cordon off, just to be safe.
502
00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:52,600
What's he found?
503
00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:07,200
Well,
504
00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:12,380
it is my belief, Sergeant, that this is
no ordinary cauliflower.
505
00:39:21,210 --> 00:39:22,210
Good God.
506
00:39:23,270 --> 00:39:24,270
Green.
507
00:39:25,250 --> 00:39:26,250
Idiot.
508
00:39:26,830 --> 00:39:28,250
It's got a worm up its nose.
509
00:39:29,930 --> 00:39:32,270
Reminds me a wee bit of an air hostess
that used to work.
510
00:39:35,710 --> 00:39:37,010
I think he's coming round.
511
00:39:38,930 --> 00:39:40,190
Perhaps he's hungry.
512
00:39:40,690 --> 00:39:41,690
Try a banana.
513
00:39:42,150 --> 00:39:43,550
See if he takes that.
514
00:39:45,230 --> 00:39:46,230
This.
515
00:40:51,310 --> 00:40:52,310
Never easy.
516
00:40:52,810 --> 00:40:55,450
Have to do some further examinations,
I'm afraid.
517
00:40:55,930 --> 00:40:58,750
Would you mind bringing over the x -ray
scanner?
518
00:40:59,010 --> 00:41:00,450
Thank you. Certainly, Professor.
519
00:41:58,700 --> 00:41:59,558
if he's not alone.
520
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:04,380
Even as we speak, there could be a whole
host of hostile extraterrestrials
521
00:42:04,380 --> 00:42:07,920
waging up there to swoop down and lay us
low.
522
00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:09,960
I'm ready.
523
00:44:24,650 --> 00:44:26,430
sure the sodium pentothal will keep him
under?
524
00:44:27,010 --> 00:44:28,670
Well, if it doesn't, we'll just have
to...
525
00:44:57,000 --> 00:45:01,080
And all international forces, east and
west, have been placed on full military
526
00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:06,480
alert. If this is the end of the world
as we know it, I want to tell you I love
527
00:45:06,480 --> 00:45:07,459
you, Martin.
528
00:45:07,460 --> 00:45:09,300
Stop this dibbly.
529
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:10,920
Beverly.
530
00:45:27,050 --> 00:45:31,430
the new miracle space age lavatory
cleanser. The tech is just out of the
531
00:45:31,850 --> 00:45:36,090
Any germs lurking under the rim, we'll
wipe them all out. And the seedings are
532
00:45:36,090 --> 00:45:38,390
astronomical with, my God, Horace.
533
00:45:38,910 --> 00:45:40,250
Horace? There it is.
534
00:45:40,770 --> 00:45:42,370
Oh, my poor head.
535
00:45:42,690 --> 00:45:46,890
You never did, Horace. When you fell out
of the helicopter yesterday, my God, I
536
00:45:46,890 --> 00:45:52,710
thought... Helicopter? I don't know
what's been happening to me the last 24
537
00:45:52,710 --> 00:45:55,370
hours. I think I've been delirious.
538
00:45:55,570 --> 00:45:57,320
You mean you're both not... from another
planet?
539
00:45:57,740 --> 00:45:59,900
No, Cricklewood, but you're close.
540
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:01,360
Oh,
541
00:46:02,260 --> 00:46:03,580
I've got a terrible head.
542
00:46:03,780 --> 00:46:05,860
I don't know if it's a good eye, though.
543
00:46:08,780 --> 00:46:13,300
You must understand it's a mistake
anyone could have made, Sergeant.
544
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:16,020
You've made me look a right twit,
Cranston House.
545
00:46:17,460 --> 00:46:18,660
I'll kill you.
546
00:46:18,980 --> 00:46:21,160
There's no need to. A little compassion,
please.
547
00:46:27,820 --> 00:46:28,840
I deserved it.
548
00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:33,800
Green -skinned aliens from outer space.
549
00:46:35,320 --> 00:46:36,860
It's beautiful science fiction.
550
00:46:38,300 --> 00:46:40,020
It'll never happen in my life.
551
00:46:59,950 --> 00:47:02,490
isn't it, Ronnie? But before we go, a
few late items of news.
552
00:47:02,790 --> 00:47:07,230
Yes, lawyers confirmed tonight that
Sheikh Haroum El Ram is being sued for
553
00:47:07,230 --> 00:47:09,050
divorce by his 500 wives.
554
00:47:09,550 --> 00:47:12,370
Apparently they came home early and
caught him with 500 other women.
555
00:47:14,350 --> 00:47:19,170
An interesting world record was set
today when the man who cuts the grass at
556
00:47:19,170 --> 00:47:23,270
Heathrow got caught in the undercarriage
of a departing jumbo. He became the
557
00:47:23,270 --> 00:47:24,570
first man to mow the Atlantic.
558
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:32,320
Thieves broke into the National Art
Gallery in New York today. Police sealed
559
00:47:32,320 --> 00:47:34,860
all the exits, whereupon the thieves
escaped through all the entrances.
560
00:47:39,080 --> 00:47:45,140
And news, news of a major breakthrough
in the fight against insomnia.
561
00:47:45,540 --> 00:47:47,920
You can now get crossroads in pill form.
562
00:47:50,400 --> 00:47:53,640
Finally, we've just heard wonderful news
from Whipsnade. The panda, which has
563
00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:56,860
developed a liking for music, has mated
with the head keeper's harmonium.
564
00:47:58,220 --> 00:48:00,100
Experts say this may create a
pandemonium.
565
00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:07,640
Next week, we'll be bringing you a
sensational veteran circus act. The
566
00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:11,960
Zolder will fire a pistol and his wife,
Zenita, will catch the bullet in her
567
00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:14,140
teeth, which will be in a glass on top
of her head.
568
00:48:16,980 --> 00:48:20,680
We'll be talking to the Hertfordshire
parson who's accused of misconduct with
569
00:48:20,680 --> 00:48:24,080
his housekeeper after they found his
vest in her pantry and her pants in his
570
00:48:24,080 --> 00:48:25,080
vestry.
571
00:48:26,510 --> 00:48:28,830
Good night from me. And it's a very good
night from him. Good night.
45729
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