All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s09e04

Good evening. Wonderful to be back with
you once again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed

it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we were hoping to have

man who crossed a Venus flytrap with a
zip fastener, but we've just heard that

he's rather caught up in his work at the
moment.

But I will be talking to the head of a
Home Office research team which revealed

today what Scotsmen do with their old
razor blades.

They shave with them.

But first, the news.

Sigmund Frisby, Britain's worst darts
player, was sentenced to ten years'

imprisonment at the Old Bailey today.

He threw himself on the mercy of the
court and missed.

And, uh, confirmation tonight that a
Manchester teacher with special

responsibilities for sex education has
eloped with one of his visual aides.

But now sketch.

Featuring Mr. Ronnie Corbett, a man who
once applied to a computer dating agency

for a partner. He asked for one of small
stature, who likes to dress formally,

enjoys swimming, and is gregarious. They
sent him a penguin.

Well, scintillating company here as
usual, Harriet. I really don't know how

do it.

You seem to be able to breathe life into
any old dollar collection of people.

Yes, talking of breathing life, Roger,
have you been at the Garlic?

Me? Would you mean my breath?

No. No?

No. Well, someone around here is
polluting the atmosphere. I wonder who

be. Yes.

Hello, Harriet.

Oh, hi.

Hartley. Harry Hartley. How do you do?
How do you do, Mr. Hartley? Actually,

it's Huntington Hartley, but we don't
bother about the hyphen. Oh, no.

Mark, look after the guest. See you
later. Oh, yes, yes, bye -bye.

Hasta la vista, Harriet.

Hell of a good hostess, Harriet, isn't
she?

Absolutely, 100 % her boy. Yes, oh, yes,
quite.

Anything the matter?

No, I think I've got something in my eye
or something.

Oh, dear, let me have a look. No, no,
no, no, it's all right, it's all right.

It's just watering, and it is probably
hay fever. Oh, hay fever.

Hay fever, absolutely.

Absolutely. Horrid, eh, boy?

Horrid. I suffered from it on holiday
once in, um, in Helensborough.

Oh, yes. You know, yes, and I had to
hibernate in the hotel the entire

You must sit down. I'm feeling a bit of
faint. Perhaps I can recommend you my

hay fever, ma 'am. Oh, really?

Expensive? Uh, holly street.

Not waiting for the health service. No,
no, no. I hope. Yes, hope. Yes, hope.

Absolutely hope. Yes, I have an old
wives remedy. I twist my neck right

like that, you see. And then I hold my
breath for as long as I possibly can.

Oh, I see.

There are some old wives tales about
these. I listen to the young wives tales

mostly. Around these parts, people get
up some rather interesting things. Are

you married at all? How many... Oh,
sorry.

I've got three children, as a matter of
fact. Gosh, can't you hold your breath a

long time?

All my three children are away at
school, as a matter of fact.

Helen, Helen, bless her heart, Helen is
in St. Hilda.

And Hector is in Hilda Romana, which is
in Hertfordshire. And dear Harry,

Harry, Harry, bless his heart, has a
tarot on the hill.

Turn back, everyone. What are you going
to do? I'm going to give him the kiss of

life.

What the hell happened to him, Harry?

Sorry, Harry.

Halitosis. Oh, has he really?

I didn't notice. Then, of course, I
wouldn't. I had a touch of garlic in the

dressing at lunchtime.

Greetings,

greetings.

I am the guru, swami, Baghdad, Mata
Hari, Ananda, Varanda, Andanda, Andover,

god -to -blimey yogi bear.

Now you are thinking, it's all very well
being the guru, swami, Baghdad, Mata

Hari, etc., etc., yogi bear.

But what has this to do with you? Oh my
goodness, look you whatever I'm in.

Well, when I am a boy in Panty Jerry, I
was very bad, bad boy.

Every morning I'm throwing puffer dumbs
at my grandmother.

We're having all -nighter parties.

Hyderabad to Hydroverse.

A little Indian joke.

I am going to school at the age of 23.
My qualifications are 11 plus in geology

field.

Finally, I am walking in the jungle and
meeting with a woman who is coming back

from washing herself in the river. She
is wearing only a lion cloth in which

keeps her curried lentil sandwiches.

Oh my crikey, I say what beautiful
sandwiches.

You have a lot to learn, she said.

Oh, she goes in, out, in, out, even more
than the Oxford Eight.

She said, oh, man, before you light two
paths, there's the lower path by the

River of Sensuality, where you will meet
with many women making eyes like

startled roebuck and wearing see
-through doughties.

And some have the sari with the fringe
on top.

Then there's the upper path over the
high mountains. This is the path... Of

scholar and sage and onions and
wandering monks.

And wholly full of whores and holy
people.

What to do?

Well, I tell you. I go on lower path
pretty damn quick.

Oh, we could trump it better than
Papadum any day.

And my qualification is only one night
of love with Kashmir Kate at the Kama

Sutta Cafe Bangalore failed.

One morning I am walking by the river,
not in it because I get wet.

And the butterflies, the butterflies
flutter by. Yes, beautiful.

And the flowers flower.

Yes, beautiful.

And on the pathway is a little slug.

And he is getting up on his final legs
and he speak to me. He said, Sadhu, he

say. And I say, Sadhu too. And he say,
no.

Renounce this life of fleshly lust and
curry beans.

Go to England and become the first
television guru and teach the poor

the way, or even several ways.

And they say, Master, I will. I will go
to Milton Keynes and get open university

degree in transcendental medication.

Yogi Carmichael and advanced Raphael
work there.

Now, what is my message to you? Oh, my
God, the cocoa's coming off.

Some of you are saying, this man is not
a genuine Indian Indian. He is from

Basildon, Newtown, with Irish mother and
father from our bros who travel in

cocoa.

No, no, no. To these sceptics, I say,
just sticks to you.

Now listen, O unholy ones, to my
teaching, go to blimey.

Two sheep were grazing in a pasture.

Bah, said the first sheep.

Moo, said the second sheep.

The first sheep looked at his companion.
What are you doing? He said, what are

you doing?

He said, the sheep going to go moo. They
say, bah.

I know that, I know that, says the other
sheep. I'm learning a foreign language.

What does this teach us? Nothing.

But always remember, no matter how hot
the day is, at night it will get dark.

And many a true word is spoken through
false teeth.

So always be sincere, whether you mean
it or not, because into each life a

little rain must fall, usually at the
weekend.

And success is relative. The more
success, the more relatives.

Oh, my God, six o 'clock.

I have not had time to tell you how to
throw away all material goods.

You are dealing with this even later
than earlier. My friends, remember well

what I have told you and let the final
word come from my guru, that self -same

very holy slug, the Swami Slimy
Sluggerishi.

There he is now.

Who's a pity boy, then?

I think that says it all, Effendi. As we
say in Basildon, cheerio cock.

Your Harry's still got his nerves.

Whereabouts? No, his nerves, dear.

He seems getting more nervy. Oh,
restless. Oh, yes, yes. He's so

know, he don't even feel at home at
home.

The trouble is, he's getting so
accustomed to being tense, when he calms

it makes him nervous.

Perhaps he should change his doctor.

Oh, not him, no. That doctor did
something for Harry that not many

do. What's that?

Well, he treated him for a double
earlier, and he only charged him for the

Please welcome our guest this week,
Sheena Eaton.

You're the seventh son of the seventh
son

Maybe that's why you're such a strange

and special one You can't even seem to

love yourself And with a few exceptions

but you cannot make him drink.

You can give a man your whole heart and
soul, but you cannot...

Exactly the place and the time.

You might really want to be there.

I wonder if you could tell me the time.

Certainly, sir. It's 3 .30.

I asked you the time.

It's quarter past seven.

Well?

I don't know.

No, don't you?

Can you tell me how to get to
Walthamstow? Yes, if you take a...

I think I made my meaning clear.

I'm sorry.

No,

you're not.

No, I'm not.

No, you're not.

Can you tell me where I can get a decent
cup of coffee? Yes, if you just... How

the hell should I know?

Because it's your job. Get lost.

Congratulations, you've passed the test.
Welcome to British Rail Information

Service.

Our gruesome twosome, Piggy and Charlie,
have reached Madeira, on board the

pleasure cruiser from which girls have
been mysteriously disappearing, members

of Mrs. Bumstead's all -ladies
orchestra.

After many fruitless attempts at a
solution, they now find themselves in

less fashionable part of the town, in a
sleazy Chinese restaurant.

They are even now about to make
themselves known to the slant -eyed

the aid of a message on a card planted
in Piggy's pocket earlier.

How fat?

Huh? How fat?

That's obviously the wrong code,
Charlie.

I'll just read the numbers out. 3, 15,
23, 6, 21, 20.

Well,

that obviously made an impression.

Time to get the boss.

Look out, here comes another one.

Drink, sir?

Ah, yes, please. Do you do Moti -chenko
specials?

Moti -choko?

Moti -chenko.

Tibetan rice wine with aniseed and
ginger, served with orange juice and

Angostura bitters.

No, we don't. Oh, well, have a brown
ale, then.

Me too.

Two brown ales.

He was a bit of an heavyweight, wasn't
he? Yeah, funny, really. Because usually

in Chinese restaurants, the waiters are
small.

I was a... Well, to make the portions
look bigger.

Talking of food, why don't we have a
little bit to eat now, eh?

No, why don't we just wait a while? I
mean, we don't know what's going to

happen, do we? Just wait, see what the
password brings forth.

That's sweet and sour chicken, beef and
spring onion, plum balls... Special

mixed veggie and fried rice and egg.

You're not from round these parts, are
you?

No, China.

What is all this, anyhow?

It's what you ordered.

Three, fifteen, twenty -three, six,
twenty -one and twenty.

That's what the numbers meant, Chief.

And here's the special.

Twenty -three.

That boiled squid and baby snail cooked
with Chinese nettle and goat's milk.

Is that... Very rare Chinese traditional
dish.

Yeah, not many people order that one.

Why not?

Tastes horrible.

I thought we were given all these
numbers on a card.

Oh, yeah.

This card here.

Yum choy.

That's another blind alley we've been
let up.

Well, at least we've got something to
eat, haven't we? Yeah, mind you, I'm

to avoid number 23. Don't fancy the
sound of that. Okay.

Must have had a very funny taste,
whoever wrote those numbers on the card.

Squid, snail, nettles, goats.

Yeah, please.

We'll have number 3, number 15, number
6, number 21,

20, and 23.

23.

Yes, please.

73, did you hear that?

I know that voice and all.

Over there, in the corner, behind the
alcove.

You go to the loo and have a look at it.

Go and look in the alcove, see who it
is.

It's Jane and June, the two
clarinetists.

That's how the car got in your trousers.

And they undressed us the other night.

Did they spot you?

No, I peeped with them over a grill.

What grill? A mixed grill. Somebody was
eating on the grill.

Here.

They were supposed to have disappeared
with the rest of the orchestra.

They must have been on this.

Here, under forced pretenses.

It's a trap.

We've got to get out.

What a waste of good food, eh?

Oh, well, we'd better cause a commotion
and beat it, all right? Yeah, but we

don't want them to recognise our voices.
Now, are you ready?

Come on, two more mouthfuls. All right.

Oh, waiter, look, it's disgusting.
There's a dead cockroach in my food.

Take it away. I can't stay here a minute
longer.

Come, Gerald, let us leave this dreadful
place.

Please, gentlemen, there's no need to
get...

Where'd you get that cockerel?

I always carry a couple of them. I got
it from a joke shop in Charing Cross

Road. Maybe it's a free dinner I've ever
done.

These two girls are up to no good, you
know. Yeah. I reckon, you know, we ought

to hide inside their cabin. We might
overhear something. Well, I'm game if

are.

As a matter of fact, I've always found
twins rather attractive.

Now, they're not twins. Well, good as,
aren't they? Good as. Couple of good

-lookers, aren't they? Oh, yeah.

You know, some time ago, I took out a
pair of twins one night.

Really? Yeah. Did you have a good time?

Yes and no.

And so the very next evening, Piggy and
Charlie prepare to conceal themselves in

the girls' cabin.

I'll go in the wardrobe.

Yes, you go under the bunk.

You got your roll?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What is this roll? Is it some kind of
decoy or trick, is it?

No, you eat it when you're hungry. I
mean, I know you.

Room service.

Not at the moment, thank you. I'm in the
shower.

Pardon? You can't come in. I'm in the
shower.

I'm in a place to have a shower.

In the wardrobe.

What do you think you should wear for
this, Shandy?

I think a little program.

Well, we've got three minutes to change
if we're going to make that dark side

butt. Plenty of time.

Did you see what Mrs. Bromstead was
wearing today? That floral...

They say all her clothes are made to
measure. Really?

I wonder who for.

She

told

me when she was young she had an
hourglass figure.

Yeah, the only trouble is all the sand
has run to the bottom.

It's already taken her six years.

Like the anklet my boyfriend bought me.
Oh, that's beautiful.

What's it got engraved on it?

Oh, that was his idea.

Why? What's it say?

Heavens above.

How are we doing for tonight?

Fine. We'll make it easily.

Of course, there's a lot to be said in
Mrs. Bones' favor.

Oh, yes.

But it's not nearly so interesting.

It's true she's a medium. She looks more
like an extra large to me.

It's her birthday soon.

Remember last year when the girls baked
her a cake with 39 candles on it? In the

shape of a question mark?

This year they're planning to set fire
to the whole cake.

You want to tell them?

And so the plot thickens as the
dastardly Chinese villain welcomes the

twins into his cabin.

But who else is involved?

How large is Mrs. Bunce's role?

What was in Piggy Malone's role?

Don't miss next week's tantalizing
episode of Band of Slaves.

What is the difference between a duck?

Are you looking for something?

I dropped a tempeh over there.

Oh, well, why are you looking over here,
then?

Well, the light's better over here.

I don't know. What is the difference
between a duck?

Well, it's a competition in the back of
the paper.

Oh, is it?

Oh, well, the answer will be in the
back, then. Oh, right.

Oh, I'll go down to Duck Pond later on
and have a look. Yes.

You are open, are you?

I don't rightly know. The clock stopped.

Oh, dear.

What time did it stop?

I don't know. I want year.

Oh.

Curly. No, no, no. George was out there
talking to Harry.

Oh. Was he on his own? They both were.

What's in that parcel there?

Don't write me now. It's all covered up
with paper, you see. Oh, yeah.

Here's someone pinched my car.

Well, that won't be it.

Oh, mine was a green one.

Oh, yeah. Who stole it then?

A man with one leg in the high street.

Where was this other lad?

He ran off with it.

Dear, I shall get it back.

How's that? Well, I managed to catch the
number.

Oh, well,

I'm off.

What do you mean? You weren't here.

Well, I know that, but it means my day
off. Oh, well, who's going to run the

then? Well, you'll have to. Oh, right
-o.

Here, do you want a drink for you,
though?

Well, why not?

Of course, why not? It's my day off.
Yeah.

I'll have a pint of ale. You'll have to
wait, I'm sure, with another gentleman.

Who's that, then? Me.

Well, I don't mind waiting, then. Would
you like a drink? What are you waiting?

Well, it's very kind of you.

I'll have a whiskey.

Oh, right, which one?

Could I have that little one just under
the top there, just in the middle there?

Right.

Oh, dear.

That's bad. What were you saying?

I don't know. I wasn't listening too
carefully.

You know, that is shaped like a balloon.

Now, whatever is shaped like a balloon?

Well, it's a balloon.

Is it addressed to your mum?

Oh, probably from my granddad. How do
you know that?

Well, I think his name's on the other
side.

Oh. Oh, it's probably to your granddad.

What my grandad do is send a parcel to
his cell. No, no.

No, from your mum, you see. The
postmistress has delivered it upside

Well, how do you know the postmistress
has delivered it? Well, she delivers

everything in this village, don't she?
Yeah, she does. Of course she does,

She's the midwife and all, isn't she?
Yeah.

Well, they buried old Jack yesterday in
Shropshire. What part?

All of him.

What do you have?

Uh, the shepherd's pie, I think.

Last words were? Yeah, let me out, I'm
not dead.

Here's one, here's one. Think of a
number between one and three. Oh, I

that. Why's that?

I was glad we did it between one and
three.

That parcel you referred to earlier,
that parcel's probably a balloon for the

party. Oh, well, there's only one way to
find out, ain't there, hey?

Well?

When old Frank now we'll never know

Tonight

I'd like if I may to tell you a very
funny joke about a golfer now by the way

before I go on I want to reassure my
regular viewers if either of them is

watching This week there will be This
week, there will be not so much as a

single dirty laugh from the audience
here in the studio.

Because this week, I am very pleased...
This week, I

am very pleased to say the entire studio
audience is made up of members of the

Shepherds Bush League of Temperance and
Justice.

And not one of them would dream of
reading anything smutty into any

remarks I might make.

Now, the other night...

I was lying in bed, feeling at a loose
end.

I'm sorry? What?

What's funny about that?

You are the most naughty -minded
audience we have ever had in this

And can you please come back again next
week?

As I was saying, I was just lying in
bed.

I just had a little tiff with my wife.

She has got this silly idea into her
head, my wife, that I'm not spending

time at home with her.

In fact, she's a very suspicious mind.

The last time she saw me in the BBC club
chatting up Sonia Lanaman and accused

me of trying to pull a fast one.

That was a night I remember.

That was a night I remember there was a
bit of an upset.

There was a bit of an upset at the bar,
to be honest.

Magnus Pike had just ordered a round of
drinks, and one of his arms had come

loose.

It was rather a special occasion for me,
to be honest, because that was the

evening my agent bought me a gin and
tonic.

Well, he didn't actually buy it. He
didn't actually. He got it for me

I won't lie to you.

He is something of a cheapskate. He's
the sort of man who hangs on to the same

things forever, you know.

rumor that he once bought himself a new
wallet and his jacket rejected it.

I would not tell that joke. The joke I'm
actually going to tell is one I heard a

few weeks ago when, as I say, I went to
the dentist. I was sitting in the

waiting room at the dentist like you do,
you know. I was just, you know, reading

a newspaper.

Or was it the Daily Star?

I can't remember.

And my eye was caught by a little piece
headed, don't forget to put the clocks

back.

some sort of warning to second -hand car
salesmen. And it brought back very

happy memories, or brought back memories
of some sort, anyway, of my first

second -hand car. Now, goodness me, the
first car I ever bought, second -hand,

was so old, it was the only car I've
ever known with gargoyles on the

It was so badly designed, so badly
designed, the roof rack was on the

Not that the one we've got now is a lot
better, to be honest. On a cold morning,

we have to kick -start the little dog in
the back window.

The other day, my wife took it out for a
spin and there was a little bit of a

mishap. Trouble is, she doesn't really
understand cars fully.

You know, she has been known to drive
into a garage and ask them to top up the

ashtrays.

I've told her once before, I've told her
a thousand times, not to put too much

air in the tyres.

The other day she overdid it completely.

She was last seen ballooning over
Dunstable Down.

I was in the dentist's waiting room, you
see, and at this point the girl in

reception, dental floss as she's known,
she came over and she said to the

dentist, Tony was ready for me, she
said, and now in order to put me to

he told me this joke. That's a
roundabout way of getting to it.

And it concerns a chap who one day went
for a round of golf at this rather

unfamiliar course. He hadn't played it
before. And afterwards, he's getting

changed. He gets himself all smartened
up. And he's standing there in the

showers, you know, musing on his
handicap.

And all of a sudden, here's a group of
lady members outside the shower

I wish they were here tonight.

He hears these women laughing and
realizes to his horror they're outside,

know, getting, they're getting
undressed. And he's actually in the

shower. Oh, my God. He said,

I can't look. Come in here and see my
embarrassment.

You are not the shepherd's boot temper
in society.

So not wanting to be recognized in such
a compromising situation, he grabs the

nearest towel and puts it over his head.

And he dashes out of the shower past
these three women.

And the women, not unnaturally, stare at
him, mumbling words like, good heavens,

well, I never.

And will you marry me?

Who on earth was that, says one of the
first ones. Well, he's not my husband.

Second one said, well, he's not even my
husband.

The third one said he's not even a
member of the club.

We brought the family.

Curly kids and curly males. Jogs for
pearly, curly cows.

Curly, twirly girlies with pearly,
twirly frocks. Pearly, surly mother -in

with flea -nugly clumps.

Everyone's a swell.

Every cost a jacky, cost a fracky, can't
you tell?

You try to join us for a spell when
you're in the old campground.

If you're cocked the same as me, it's
amazing you'll agree how we've conjured

a language all our own.

Cos we're talking all in rhyme and we
talk it all the time. It's the most

peculiar lingo ever known.

Too right!

Now your plates, they are your feet, cos
in rhyme we're plates of meat. And you

have to need for teeth, that's fairly
clear.

And your teeth are in your mouth, which
is called your northern staff. And a

pint of pigs here means you're a pint of
beer. So you can put up your feet,

check out your ant's teeth, pour a pint
of beer down your northern staff. Put up

your feet, check out your teeth, and
pour a pint of beer down your mouth.

See?

Now your trouble and your strife, that
is what you call a wife, because she's

been one since the day that you were
wed.

If you've got a load of kids, then
they're called your saucepan lids and

bed upstairs that's called your uncle
Ned.

But you never call them stairs.

They're your apples and your pears that
you climbed up when the current one is

set.

When you smoke an oily rag, it really
means you're fag, you're dog in dim or

snarl cigarette.

So you can plug in the saucepan, put up
your oily chest, and shovel up the

apples to the uncle Ned. Plug in the
kids, put up your bag, and take them

upstairs and go to bed.

It is called a frog and toe. And the
pub's a rubber dub. We all know that.

And a tumble down the sink is the
cockney name for drink. And your tipper

your act. Your tipper tap.

So you came.

Put on your tipper. Go down the frog. Do
you have a little tumble in the rubber?

Put on your act.

We've got it on the road. We're having a
little drink here in the pub. So you

can put up your feet, check out your
hamsters, pour a pint of beer down your

mouth.

So you can tuck in the saucepan, put up
your ID, just drop it up between the

uncle and aunt, tuck in the kids, put up
your bag, chase the wife upstairs and

go to bed.

Tattoos and a great big airy chest.

She had a job trying to find someone to
marry her. Cos she was built like an

aircraft carrier.

Teeth like piranhas and fingers like
bananas.

Could help anyone who crossed her path.

One day she spun the channel with a
Magellan again. Stove on her back just

laugh.

Now my Uncle Joe kept his dough in a
bowl. He stuffed it all the way.

beneath his bed.

And talk about unwise up there was none
superior.

He was as tight as a duck's posterior.

And Joey wasn't charming.

His feet, they smelt alarming.

Never saw no sun nor water, I don't
think.

Even our side held their noses when they
flew round Joey's toes because they

couldn't stand it all.

Beauty on my right.

That's Shirley from Pearlie, my sweet
little Noah.

What's her nickname when she's at home?
I call her Boil Sewer Puddin'. She eats

like a good 'un. Make sure she gets
enough to scoff or else she'll have your

whiskers off. And she doesn't eat up.
She is anything but good 'un. Cos every

ounce begins to bounce. Yes, every pound
just flies around.

Yes, every stone's got a life of its
own. Yes, every underweight's a plate of

bones.

Feel a little weary.

Got a little query.

What's that?

How did she get so fat? Look how it all
sticks out.

Eating this and not eating that and
swilling lots of stuff. I should like to

have one just the same as that.

If I stood underneath them two, I
wouldn't need a hat.

Where did you find her? Oh, pal.

I went wife -swapping with me china gut
and we both had a gin too much.

And I ain't a kiddin', that's the piece
of skirt that I swapped for me dear old

darts. Now if I go home again without a
dart, I'll come out on a blooming

crotch.

Your old girl'll do enough, knock you
off your feet, Bill, off the bleeding

street, Will.

Ain't you got a little dear, got a
little nice one here? Oh, yeah.

Fanny all right, Fanny all right.

Funny little Fanny O 'Brien.

With a pearly kink, it's the same old
song. I'm a little bit short, but I

keep long. Taking off to church one day
with a spat of colorant dye on. And I

always know I've got sweet Epo.

Fanny O 'Brien.

Nothing could be finer than to seize and
squeeze your china without warning.

Snooty with my Shirley, my sweet pearly
girly early. in the morning.

She loves them shiny buttons because
they make her look swell.

She's got 30 ,000 sewn onto her night
years. Well, that's why it's all the

patchy wakes up bruised and rather
scratchy in the morning.

It's the only place we know. On and on
and on you go. Fairly less and less is

kings without a crown.

Dukes and earls with buttoned toes. And
queens without tiaras.

We've had some fun today.

Now there'll be hell to pay.

We're not the night away in London town.

We'll paint the town. We'll paint it
what is brown.

I'm going to drink up a blooming top.
I'm going to dance to me back top off.

Lord love you, London.

to let you down.

Window weather here forever, dear old
London town.

Dilly -dally, dilly -dally, we'll
pretend you ain't of a puff as well.

Dilly -dally, dilly -dally, there'll
always be an England. What is a

I'd very much like to thank Chatham Day
for being with us in that last number,

wouldn't I?

Yes, indeed.

That seems to be all we have time for
tonight, but before we go, a few late

items. British Rail revealed today that
the switchboard at Waterloo Station has

received 65 ,000 nuisance calls in the
last year. All from people wanting to

know about train services.

Can't believe it. News has just come in
that Sussex firemen have freed the

drunken bell ringer.

who forgot to let go of the rope during
the carol service and caught his ding

-dong merrily on high.

We'll be meeting a home economist who
crossed a ruptured weightlifter with a

packet of quick brew and invented the
self -straining teabag.

And I'll be talking to Mr Kirkby
Ashcroft, the Wellingborough sports

spent his life inventing a game similar
to football.

and now discovers that England have been
playing it for years.