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Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed
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it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be meeting the Irish
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has never found a hair on her husband's
coat and thinks he's having an affair
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with a bald woman.
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We'll be meeting Egbert Grove.
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Britain's worst train driver, who was
today disciplined by the Railways Board
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for taking his train through a red light
at the junction of Tottenham Court Road
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and Oxford Service.
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But first, the news. The Sheffield woman
who has been trying out the new roast
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beef flavoured pill announced today that
she's got a Yorkshire pudding in the
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oven. In Israel tennis championships
this week, a Surrey engine driver was
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forced to retire from the mixed doubles
after a low ball in the Midland region
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left his services severely disrupted.
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A government spokesman said today that
Britain will be playing her part in the
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new NATO defence package. We should be
supplying the brown paper and string.
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The Department of Fair Trading has been
called in to investigate the latest sing
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-along a Max concert after complaints
that Max Bygraves got paid £9 ,000 and
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audience did most of the singing.
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The Metropolitan Police today deny that
prisoners in their custody are
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excessively pampered. This follows
yesterday's report.
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that a man was hustled out of New
Scotland Yard with an electric blanket
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his head.
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Bendini, the circus acrobat, who claims
he can make love on a curtain rail,
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appeared in court today charged with
attempting to drape three women.
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We've now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, who was late for work today. He
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was cleaning out the budgie cage and the
door slammed on him.
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And so to our first contender. Good
evening, your name please.
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Good evening.
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In your first heat, your chosen subject
was answering questions before they were
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asked. This time, you have chosen to
answer the question before last each
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Is that correct?
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Charlie Smithers.
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And your time starts now. What is
paleontology?
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Yes, absolutely correct.
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00:02:42,210 --> 00:02:44,990
What's the name of the directory that
lists members of the peerage?
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A study of old fossils.
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Correct. Who are Len Murray and Sir
Geoffrey Howe?
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Birks.
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00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:56,620
Correct. What is the difference between
a donkey and an ass?
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One's a trade union leader, the other's
a member of the cabinet.
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Hold on.
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00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:09,620
Complete the quotation, to be or not to
be?
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They're both the same. Correct.
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What is Bernard Manning famous for?
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That is the question.
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Who is the present Archbishop of
Canterbury?
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He is a fat man who tells blue jokes.
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Correct.
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What do people kneel on in church?
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The Right Reverend Robert Runcie.
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Correct. What do tarantulas prey on?
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Hyssocks.
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Correct.
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00:03:36,730 --> 00:03:38,750
What would you use a ripcord to pull
open?
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Large flies.
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Correct. What sort of a person lived in
Bedlam?
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A parachute.
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Correct. What is a jockstrap? A nutcase.
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Correct.
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For what purpose would a decorator use
methylene
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chlorides? A form of athletic support.
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00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:07,170
Correct. What did Henri de Toulouse
-Lautrec do?
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Paint strippers.
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00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,770
Correct. Who is Dean Martin?
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He's a kind of artist.
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Yes. What sort of artist?
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That's near enough.
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00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:26,900
What make of vehicle is the standard
London bus?
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A singer. Correct.
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In 1892, Brandon Thomas wrote a famous
long -running English farce. What was
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00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:34,800
British Zealand.
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Correct. Complete the following
quotation... I started so I'd finish.
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the following quotation about Mrs.
Thatcher.
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Her heart may be in the right place, but
her... Charlie's aunt. Correct.
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Good evening.
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I'm the Fuzz.
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I'm actually a plainclothes officer, but
today's my day off.
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Now, where I work, at Marylebone Police
Station, we have the worst crime record
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in the country.
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00:05:17,610 --> 00:05:19,750
At least we used to have before somebody
stole it.
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It was Shaw Taylor singing Give Me Five
Minutes More.
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And that's where you come in. Now, the
crime figures in Britain today make
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pretty grim reading. Now, you just
listen to this.
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In Pinner, last weekend, a store was
broken into and a large quantity of eye
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drops were stolen.
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Detectives are looking for someone with
very sore eyes.
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Next day, a large quantity of pear drops
were stolen and detectives are now
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looking for a nude lady who plays the
accordion.
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Now, if you recognise this joke or can
give information about the comedian who
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stole it, Let us know at once. In the
meantime, here is a very rough identikit
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of his name.
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But our problems don't end there. We in
the police force are perilously
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understaffed, and we need recruits fast.
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00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,020
But remember, we do insist on stiff
requirements.
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So if you've got a stiff requirement,
you're just the man we're looking for.
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As you've probably heard, we no longer
accept men under six foot. Why not?
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it's too much trouble digging them up,
for one thing.
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Remember also that there is a minimum
leg requirement, namely two.
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Or four, if you want to join the police
dog section.
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In Marylebone, we have a very fine dog
section.
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My own police dog, Fang, can be relied
upon to do his duty around the clock.
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And sometimes round the leg of the
dining room table.
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00:06:50,470 --> 00:06:53,910
Now, if you don't fancy becoming a talk
handler, there's always the policewomen.
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Now... To become a policewoman, you'll
have to be in pretty good shape.
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Preferably this shape.
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Here we see a lady chief inspector with
the flying squad.
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And there are her sweeney boppers.
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Now, at police college, you will be
taught the basic rudiments of the job.
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Essential things every policeman must
know, like how to wear a helmet. Now,
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is a lot easier.
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Now,
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this is a lot easier.
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Now, this is a lot easier than it
sounds.
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Now, here we see the wrong way to wear a
helmet.
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Sorry, silly that. No use at all. But
worn correctly, a police helmet will
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considerable protection where you need
it most.
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Also, at police college, you will be put
on a three -week crash course to learn
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the police telephone number. Now, this
number is specially designed to be so
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simple that only a complete simpleton
could ever forget it. The number is, of
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course... I've got it written down on a
piece of paper here somewhere.
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Oh, yes, of course, 666.
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This is not to be confused, of course,
with calling 999, which is something my
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German au pair does in the back seat of
the Mini.
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also be fully schooled in the oriental
martial arts. Now, this means that when
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an eight -foot skinhead comes at you
with a chainsaw, you simply position
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body so as to counterbalance the net
mass of your opponent and by a subtle
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of your fulcrum, reduce his overall
angular momentum.
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If this fails, kick him in the conkers.
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00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:45,580
You can also be taught how to deal with
shoplifters. Now, some shoplifters use
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00:08:45,580 --> 00:08:49,100
some pretty ingenious methods. I once
had cause to approach a woman who I was
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pretty certain and been smuggling out
bars of soap down the front of her
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Eventually, of course, she made a clean
breast of it.
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Now, if you join the drug squad, you'll
need to identify certain suspicious
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substances, like, for instance,
marijuana.
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00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:04,720
There's one.
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00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:10,420
Cross between a marrow and a banana.
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You will also have to deal with cement
sniffers.
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That's glue sniffers who've moved on to
the hard stuff.
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00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:25,420
Our next track, which brings us to
drunken drivers. Now here, here we have
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new breathalyzer bag.
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Very simple to operate. All you do is to
press your mouth to this bit here.
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And if you enjoy
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it, you're drunk.
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Finally, if you would like to join the
police force, you've got an O -level in
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00:09:59,540 --> 00:10:03,600
brain surgery and stand six foot in your
stocking feet or five foot eleven in
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00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:08,300
fishnet tights, then write for your
application form. Now, one final word of
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00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:11,580
warning. When you do join up, the gents
at Scotland Yard has only just been
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repainted, so mind how you go. Good
night.
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You reckon we'll have longer now than we
used to?
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00:10:32,450 --> 00:10:34,370
Oh, undoubtedly, yes.
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00:10:35,230 --> 00:10:37,330
I never lived so long in my life.
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It's because they've gone back to the
breastfeeding, you know. Oh?
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Well, mother's milk's much better than
cow's milk.
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How do you reckon that, then?
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Well, it's always fresh when the cat
can't get at it.
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And it comes in handy little containers.
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00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:07,540
Yeah. And you don't have to leave them
out for the milkman.
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The woman next door does.
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00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:34,780
Baby cried the day the circus came to
town.
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00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:41,660
Cause she didn't want the rage of
passing by her.
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00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:48,140
So she painted on a smile and took up
with some clown.
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And danced without a net.
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Like me
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Baby saw the day they pulled the big top
down.
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Left behind her dreams among the litter.
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And the different kind of love she
thought she found.
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With nothing more than sawdust and some
glitter.
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But baby can.
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She had the finest teacher that to me
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The dateline is 2012.
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England is in the grip of a new regime
of terror.
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Traditionally a land of brave heroes and
great statesmen, Nelson, Wellington,
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Disraeli, Churchill.
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00:15:14,110 --> 00:15:18,250
Britain now laboured under the yoke of a
power guaranteed to strike fear into
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the hearts of all men. The country is
being run by women.
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00:15:24,470 --> 00:15:26,710
It all started with Margaret Thatcher.
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Housewives all over England, delighted
at her rise to power, voted more and
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00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:34,300
women in and more and more men out.
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00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:42,140
A few years later, the Germaine Greer
knicker uprising made 1984 a far more
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00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:44,340
terrifying year than even George Orwell
predicted.
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00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:49,020
Men's clubs were abolished, gentlemen's
toilets closed, creating widespread
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00:15:49,020 --> 00:15:51,140
distress among thinking and drinking men
everywhere.
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00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,720
Gay libbers naturally were the first to
go to the wall.
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00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:59,160
The advance of feminism was by now
making itself felt in public and
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spheres. Names of buildings were
changed.
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00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:05,380
The Houses of Parliament were still the
Houses of Parliament, but immediately
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00:16:05,380 --> 00:16:09,680
the all -woman government took over. Big
Ben was renamed Big Brenda.
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00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:17,600
By 1998, the newly formed State Police
had established their headquarters in
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00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,720
old Tower of London.
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00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:24,000
This historic fortress, with its grisly
associations of torture and executions,
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00:16:24,220 --> 00:16:28,380
had been given the name of a former folk
heroine and was now known to all and
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sundry as Barbara Castle.
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00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:35,960
The state police marched around the
country in squads.
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00:16:37,460 --> 00:16:40,900
They were omnipotent and carried all
before them.
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00:16:46,460 --> 00:16:48,160
Quite a lot behind them as well.
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00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:56,700
It had become, in short, an England
completely dominated by the female sex.
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00:16:57,060 --> 00:17:03,160
Even the Union Jack had now become the
Union Jill, a sad travesty of its former
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00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:04,159
self.
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00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:25,700
Women were the breadwinners. They gave
the orders. They made the decisions.
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00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:29,020
They were the union leaders, the
captains of industry.
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00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:30,840
And the men?
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00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,740
Well, let's start with this one.
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Because it has indeed been.
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00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,160
Really.
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00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,520
Cartwright, J .W.
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00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:46,080
He is employed as a tea boy at the
secret police headquarters in Barbara
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00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,640
He has a pass with his photograph on it,
pinned to his overall.
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00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:55,860
He lives in a two -roomed flat in
Perryvale, and he is the worm that is
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00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:56,860
turn.
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00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:02,360
His main adversary, everybody's main
adversary, was the commander of the
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00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:05,660
police, a woman with an iron will and
underwear to match.
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00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:14,910
Now, ladies, it has been suggested by
certain opposition factions... that
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00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:19,110
men should once again be allowed to
revert to wearing trousers.
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00:18:20,050 --> 00:18:26,230
And I can see that to you, as well as to
me, this whole concept is unthinkable.
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00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:32,290
They must be kept in frocks if we are to
retain the control which we have fought
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00:18:32,290 --> 00:18:33,610
so hard to achieve.
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00:18:34,470 --> 00:18:39,810
Trousers have always been the symbol of
the male overlord. Here in England...
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00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:44,100
Trousers were traditionally always worn
by the head of the family.
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00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:49,340
In those olden days, all women had an
image of their perfect man.
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00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,440
Nice strong black one for you, wasn't
it?
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00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:59,380
And yet, deep down, there was always a
resentment. A spirit of rebellion which
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00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:04,660
was ready at any time to burst to the
surface. When our mothers and
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00:19:04,660 --> 00:19:09,220
burnt their bras way back in the 70s,
what did this reveal?
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00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,600
Nothing at all for you, as far as I
remember.
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00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:18,860
It revealed that at last women, the
creators of life, the protectors of the
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00:19:18,860 --> 00:19:23,500
young, the guardians of the future, were
ready to assume the mantle of
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00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:28,940
leadership. The masterstroke, however,
was to insist on the changeover in
228
00:19:28,940 --> 00:19:29,919
traditional dress.
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00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,680
Once the men had to wear the frocks,
they were subjugated.
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00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:38,160
As soon as we took their trousers away,
they were putty in our hands.
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00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,300
After all, what did they have left?
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00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:43,300
Two lumps and a sponge finger.
233
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:53,180
While on the other side of London,
another downtrodden male goes about his
234
00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:57,760
everyday chores, only half conscious of
the seeds of rebellion which are growing
235
00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:58,760
inside him.
236
00:20:10,540 --> 00:20:11,540
Oh, it's you, Janet.
237
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:12,960
Yeah, how are you?
238
00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:16,100
No, no, no, not at all, no, no. Just
doing a bit of housework.
239
00:20:16,380 --> 00:20:18,800
Yeah. I don't know why I bother either.
240
00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:23,460
Yes, I work and slave to keep it all
clean and tidy. She just comes home,
241
00:20:23,460 --> 00:20:25,760
down in an armchair, falls asleep in
front of the television set.
242
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,860
Just broken two of my blasted
fingernails as well.
243
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,000
Look, are you coming round as usual this
afternoon?
244
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,100
Well, yes, I've made a cake.
245
00:20:34,940 --> 00:20:36,580
No, no, nothing fancy, no, just a plain
one.
246
00:20:37,260 --> 00:20:38,420
Well, I've got to watch the old figure.
247
00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:41,650
I can't get into that blue dress she
bought me for my birthday. Right.
248
00:20:44,070 --> 00:20:45,070
Okay, see you later. Bye.
249
00:20:53,870 --> 00:20:54,870
Oh, damn.
250
00:20:56,930 --> 00:20:58,290
New pair on this morning.
251
00:21:17,130 --> 00:21:18,130
Let me take your coat. Oh.
252
00:21:18,630 --> 00:21:20,230
Well, how are you, Betty, old chap?
253
00:21:20,510 --> 00:21:21,930
Oh, fine, fine, mustn't bother.
254
00:21:22,310 --> 00:21:23,310
Sit down.
255
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:24,630
Thank you. Nice cup of tea.
256
00:21:26,730 --> 00:21:30,470
Oh, you've changed the curtains, haven't
you? Yes, yes, yes.
257
00:21:31,570 --> 00:21:35,290
Oh, before I forget, the drama club have
been on, and they said, would I be in
258
00:21:35,290 --> 00:21:38,310
this year's production again? I said, I
would if you would. I presume you would,
259
00:21:38,350 --> 00:21:40,790
wouldn't you? Oh, rather, yes. Wouldn't
miss that for work.
260
00:21:41,370 --> 00:21:42,370
What is it?
261
00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:45,170
Well, of course, you know they've made
them change the titles of all the plays
262
00:21:45,170 --> 00:21:46,350
that have sexual connotations.
263
00:21:46,780 --> 00:21:49,460
Oh, they're not doing Juno and the
Peahen?
264
00:21:49,780 --> 00:21:50,780
No.
265
00:21:51,220 --> 00:21:52,220
Moby Dillis?
266
00:21:52,660 --> 00:21:55,580
No, you remember the one that used to be
called Little Women? Well, now it's
267
00:21:55,580 --> 00:21:57,080
called Little Men.
268
00:21:57,980 --> 00:21:59,260
You'd be good for the leading, actually.
269
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:01,740
Which part is that?
270
00:22:02,180 --> 00:22:03,560
Arthur, the eldest daughter.
271
00:22:04,060 --> 00:22:05,280
Oh, it gets so complicated.
272
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,160
Betty, old chap, I'm in trouble.
273
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:09,439
In trouble?
274
00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:10,580
Don't tell me John's pregnant.
275
00:22:10,980 --> 00:22:11,980
No, no.
276
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,600
No, it's just that I'm being spied on at
work.
277
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:18,280
What, at the castle?
278
00:22:18,620 --> 00:22:21,680
I think the secret police have heard
about my collection of chauvinistic
279
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,180
I'm sure that house is going to be
searched any moment.
280
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:25,740
We'll have to get rid of them.
281
00:22:26,140 --> 00:22:27,860
Can't you see? Not before Thursday.
282
00:22:28,260 --> 00:22:30,600
You know, I'm having the private show in
the auction rooms.
283
00:22:31,140 --> 00:22:33,980
It'll be the last, because it's just
getting too risky. Did you know that you
284
00:22:33,980 --> 00:22:36,820
can get three months' hard labour for
showing a Humphrey Bogart?
285
00:22:38,020 --> 00:22:40,180
So, you want me to spread the word to
the rest of the lads, eh?
286
00:22:40,430 --> 00:22:43,830
Yes, if you would, in the secret code,
tell them Sewing Circle meets on
287
00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:45,330
Thursday, as usual. Same place.
288
00:22:45,590 --> 00:22:47,430
Does he mind you using his auction
rooms?
289
00:22:47,670 --> 00:22:51,470
Who, Greta? No, he's a great chap,
Greta. He'd give you the dress off his
290
00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:52,470
if you asked.
291
00:22:53,390 --> 00:22:55,930
Right, so if it happens, I should be
seeing some of the lads in the morning.
292
00:22:55,950 --> 00:22:57,050
really? Why, are you going to keep fit?
293
00:22:57,290 --> 00:22:58,410
No, having my roots done.
294
00:23:19,989 --> 00:23:23,210
Susan, give Cheryl a knock, will you,
damned old fools? There's a deck of the
295
00:23:23,210 --> 00:23:24,230
post. No, no.
296
00:23:26,650 --> 00:23:27,650
Come in.
297
00:23:30,510 --> 00:23:31,510
Cheryl.
298
00:23:31,710 --> 00:23:32,710
Oh.
299
00:23:33,210 --> 00:23:35,070
Showing evening Thursday, all right?
300
00:23:35,750 --> 00:23:37,430
Oh, good, good.
301
00:23:40,330 --> 00:23:41,330
Oh, Thursday.
302
00:23:41,990 --> 00:23:42,990
Huh.
303
00:23:43,230 --> 00:23:45,890
My wife goes out with her boozing pals.
304
00:23:46,870 --> 00:23:48,470
Pass it on, will you? Yeah.
305
00:23:52,370 --> 00:23:53,650
Gracie. Gracie.
306
00:23:55,190 --> 00:23:57,230
I think we can turn things on.
307
00:24:20,270 --> 00:24:21,970
Annie, what the devil are you doing
here, old boy?
308
00:24:22,430 --> 00:24:23,430
Police.
309
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:09,040
who are the police looking for?
310
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,640
Will Janet be discovered?
311
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,480
Will the policewoman see him? Or will
the vanishing cream do the trick?
312
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:17,700
Is Betty a man to be trusted?
313
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:23,940
Find out next week in another exciting
episode of The Worm That Turned.
314
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:42,660
What? Now you told me the doctor said
you could only have two points a day.
315
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:44,500
That's right, yeah.
316
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,480
Well, your missus tells me you have half
a dozen.
317
00:25:49,140 --> 00:25:50,140
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
318
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:52,040
How come?
319
00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:57,000
Well, I went to two other doctors and
they both are laying me two points.
320
00:26:14,190 --> 00:26:15,190
No, it's pretty kind.
321
00:26:15,570 --> 00:26:18,550
I'll have a pint of... What, a pint of
mard? No, a pint of... A pint of bitter?
322
00:26:18,750 --> 00:26:22,650
No, a pint of... A pint of mard and
bitter? No, a pint of shandy. Oh, a pint
323
00:26:22,650 --> 00:26:24,770
shandy. A pint of shandy, Jack, will
you?
324
00:26:25,090 --> 00:26:26,130
I haven't seen you in here lately.
325
00:26:26,410 --> 00:26:29,590
No, as a matter of fact, I've been
off... Off on holiday, have you? No,
326
00:26:29,590 --> 00:26:32,510
Off beer, have you? No, um... Off
colour.
327
00:26:32,730 --> 00:26:33,730
Off colour?
328
00:26:34,310 --> 00:26:35,310
What's been the matter with you, then?
329
00:26:35,490 --> 00:26:38,870
Well, I happened at work, got these
strange feelings in my... In your
330
00:26:39,090 --> 00:26:40,210
No, in my... What, in your back?
331
00:26:40,570 --> 00:26:41,570
No, in my... In your side?
332
00:26:41,810 --> 00:26:42,870
No, in my... In your backside?
333
00:26:49,740 --> 00:26:53,340
What sort of feelings? Well, it happened
in the canteen, you know.
334
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:58,080
I was sitting opposite this woman and
she got one of those... Look in her eye.
335
00:26:58,260 --> 00:27:00,740
No, one of those... What, hourglass
figures?
336
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,940
No, apple turnovers.
337
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:08,000
So she got this apple turnover and she
kept... Turned it over?
338
00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,560
No, she kept toying with it. Oh, toying
with it, yeah.
339
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,000
Oh, there we are.
340
00:27:13,340 --> 00:27:16,100
Thank you, Jack. Thank you very much.
Cheers, cheers. Yeah, cheers, cheers.
341
00:27:17,790 --> 00:27:20,670
Anyway, as I say, we were sitting
opposite each other at this little
342
00:27:20,790 --> 00:27:24,010
Yeah. And I suddenly felt her... Her
hand on your knee.
343
00:27:24,230 --> 00:27:25,230
No.
344
00:27:25,490 --> 00:27:26,890
Her hand on your other knee. No.
345
00:27:27,510 --> 00:27:29,770
What did you feel then? What's she got
her hand on? What did you feel then? No,
346
00:27:29,830 --> 00:27:30,830
no, no.
347
00:27:30,970 --> 00:27:34,990
No. No, well, I felt... I felt her
looking at me, you know.
348
00:27:36,250 --> 00:27:40,450
I could tell she fancied me, you know.
We got chatting about this, about
349
00:27:40,450 --> 00:27:43,470
gardening and all that. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And it came up in a conversation that
350
00:27:43,470 --> 00:27:45,270
I'm very good on... On the lawn.
351
00:27:45,510 --> 00:27:46,510
No.
352
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:50,520
On Friday nights.
353
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,040
Now, I'm very good on pest control.
354
00:27:53,260 --> 00:27:54,260
Oh, I hear you.
355
00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,060
So she said to me, what are you doing
this afternoon?
356
00:27:57,500 --> 00:28:00,260
I said, oh, I should very probably be
out shopping because the wife will be
357
00:28:00,260 --> 00:28:02,180
resting in bed with her... With any
luck.
358
00:28:02,420 --> 00:28:03,420
No.
359
00:28:04,140 --> 00:28:05,360
No, with her trouble. Oh.
360
00:28:05,820 --> 00:28:07,000
What trouble's she got then?
361
00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,360
Well, ever since she worked at a Greek
restaurant, she's had bad... Bad habits.
362
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,620
No, bad... Bad breath. No, bad... Bad
feet.
363
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:15,840
Oh, has she?
364
00:28:16,180 --> 00:28:20,420
Yeah. So... She says, look, she says,
you come round. I could sunbathe in the
365
00:28:20,420 --> 00:28:24,000
patio, she says. Yeah. And you could
look at my big, um... Big what?
366
00:28:25,100 --> 00:28:26,100
Big what?
367
00:28:26,460 --> 00:28:27,460
Begonia.
368
00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:29,340
Well,
369
00:28:29,900 --> 00:28:33,160
at first I refused because I was a bit
taken aback, you know. Yeah. I said, no,
370
00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:37,600
I couldn't. I said, because I didn't
have a long enough, um... What?
371
00:28:37,820 --> 00:28:39,920
I didn't have a long enough, um... What,
372
00:28:40,660 --> 00:28:41,940
a spray or what? No, no.
373
00:28:42,340 --> 00:28:44,580
No, a long enough shopping list to be
away that long.
374
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,580
I went, cos she pleaded with me, didn't
she? She pleaded with me. She said if I
375
00:28:50,580 --> 00:28:54,860
didn't go round there, she'd be lying
there all afternoon on her... On her
376
00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:57,940
No, on her... On her front. No, on
her... On her begonias.
377
00:28:58,480 --> 00:28:59,480
No,
378
00:28:59,820 --> 00:29:00,840
on her own. On her own.
379
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:05,500
So there she was in her sun suit and we
wandered about and everything, and I
380
00:29:05,500 --> 00:29:08,700
suddenly said to her, I said, I would
like to kiss you, I said. Well, she
381
00:29:08,700 --> 00:29:10,860
immediately got on her... Hands and
knees.
382
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:15,040
No, on her eye holes. Oh, her eye holes.
383
00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:22,180
She said, sir... She said, I think
you're a little, um... A little raver?
384
00:29:22,780 --> 00:29:23,780
A little drunk?
385
00:29:23,820 --> 00:29:25,460
No, a little premature.
386
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:27,500
Oh, a little premature drunk.
387
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:32,760
She said, I've only known you an hour,
she said. You'll have to wait another
388
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:33,760
minutes.
389
00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:37,920
Then she went indoors, you know. Oh,
yeah, yeah.
390
00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:40,940
Well, I stayed behind and tidied up the
rockery and that kind of thing. Then I
391
00:29:40,940 --> 00:29:43,960
went indoors, and there she was, waiting
for me in the hall. In the hall
392
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:44,859
together?
393
00:29:44,860 --> 00:29:46,300
In the hall of the house. Oh.
394
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:52,900
Well, a nice time was that by all, and
afterwards she gave me a round of... A
395
00:29:52,900 --> 00:29:53,900
round of applause?
396
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:58,840
A round of... A round of golf? No, a
round of toast, a cup of tea. Oh.
397
00:30:00,460 --> 00:30:02,640
When I got home, I was very worried.
Why, why?
398
00:30:02,860 --> 00:30:05,320
Well, I thought the wife had found out.
I walked in. Do you know what she gave
399
00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:06,139
me? What?
400
00:30:06,140 --> 00:30:08,800
The moment I walked in the door, she
gave me a bunch of... A bunch of Pfizer,
401
00:30:08,860 --> 00:30:09,479
I'm afraid.
402
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:10,580
No, a bunch of begonias.
403
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:13,800
Thank
404
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:25,080
you.
405
00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:30,280
Tonight, as a slight change of policy,
I'm going to tell a new joke.
406
00:30:32,390 --> 00:30:36,570
In fact, this joke is so new, I haven't
even heard it myself yet.
407
00:30:37,470 --> 00:30:41,670
Which has been, because, well, it's been
a very busy, somewhat distressing week
408
00:30:41,670 --> 00:30:42,670
at home this week.
409
00:30:43,330 --> 00:30:48,930
For a start, our own little boy was very
upset over the news that the new train
410
00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:51,950
set we bought him for his birthday had
been cancelled due to staff shortages.
411
00:30:53,290 --> 00:30:59,430
So by way of a reparation, on Monday
afternoon, I said I'd mend
412
00:30:59,430 --> 00:31:01,650
his little dinky car.
413
00:31:02,140 --> 00:31:06,520
you know, a little bit unfortunate as it
turned out because at one point the
414
00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:08,460
jack gave way and I was pinned to the
carpet.
415
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:15,200
So suddenly, suddenly, in rushed my
wife.
416
00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:17,620
She said to me, she said to me, tiddles,
she said.
417
00:31:18,940 --> 00:31:21,940
Tiddles, she said. She's got a shocking
memory for faces.
418
00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:25,200
Tiddles, she said.
419
00:31:25,380 --> 00:31:29,360
She said, in fact, she's got such a bad
memory for faces, on three occasions
420
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,560
this week she put lipstick and eyeshadow
on the milkman.
421
00:31:34,939 --> 00:31:37,340
Or at least that's what he told the
judge. Anyway.
422
00:31:39,580 --> 00:31:40,580
Tiddles, she said.
423
00:31:40,820 --> 00:31:44,360
I've just had two nasty accidents, she
said, in the car. Tiddles.
424
00:31:44,860 --> 00:31:48,540
She said, first I backed into a
lamppost, then I knocked down a keep
425
00:31:48,700 --> 00:31:50,980
and then I ran right over Arthur
Scargill.
426
00:31:52,140 --> 00:31:53,960
I said, just a minute, that's three
accidents.
427
00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:55,860
She said, no, only two accidents.
428
00:32:05,260 --> 00:32:10,180
Thank you, Tories. Anyway, on to this
joke, the one I haven't heard. Remember?
429
00:32:10,580 --> 00:32:11,760
I wonder what it came to me about.
430
00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:13,940
It's exciting, isn't it?
431
00:32:14,660 --> 00:32:15,660
Isn't it?
432
00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:19,760
Now, I do know that it all takes place
on board a ship.
433
00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:23,180
The captain was a very strange piece of
work.
434
00:32:23,380 --> 00:32:25,900
He had a very rough, old, wooden leg,
you know.
435
00:32:26,260 --> 00:32:28,580
A habit of sitting down and blistering
his barnacles.
436
00:32:29,820 --> 00:32:31,660
Mind you, he certainly knew...
437
00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:36,780
He certainly knew how to throw a party.
Good heavens. Food, drink, women, music.
438
00:32:37,180 --> 00:32:38,660
You hardly noticed that we're missing.
439
00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:46,720
Although on the last party he threw,
I'll be honest, things did get a bit out
440
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:48,800
hand. I remember I was sitting in the
corner.
441
00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:51,040
We were well into injury time.
442
00:32:51,260 --> 00:32:55,840
I was sitting there, still feeling
rather groggy after sampling the crow's
443
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:56,840
soup.
444
00:32:57,620 --> 00:33:00,660
It was quite obvious that the captain
had had one or two.
445
00:33:01,450 --> 00:33:02,570
I blame the drink myself.
446
00:33:04,070 --> 00:33:08,690
Most of the crew were in a somewhat
amphibious condition, singing songs like
447
00:33:08,690 --> 00:33:10,210
in the mood for love and it's
impossible.
448
00:33:13,550 --> 00:33:18,810
When all at once one of the lady
passengers leapt up onto the table and
449
00:33:18,810 --> 00:33:23,650
our very eyes proceeded to put away half
a pint of lager, got half drunk, took
450
00:33:23,650 --> 00:33:28,410
half of her clothes off, then attempted,
half attempted really, to sing half of
451
00:33:28,410 --> 00:33:29,410
a dirty rugby song.
452
00:33:30,139 --> 00:33:32,080
ended up making a complete monocle of
herself.
453
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,340
It takes a little while, that one,
doesn't it?
454
00:33:40,700 --> 00:33:44,860
Disgusting behaviour for a woman of 30,
I thought. I was so shocked, I almost
455
00:33:44,860 --> 00:33:45,860
dropped my Polaroid camera.
456
00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,840
Which, by strange coincidence, has
nothing whatsoever to do with the joke,
457
00:33:50,900 --> 00:33:55,360
which, as I say, takes place on board
this American naval destroyer.
458
00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:59,060
Where there's an urgent message that's
just come through on the radio to say
459
00:33:59,060 --> 00:34:01,820
that the father of sub -lieutenant Hiram
J.
460
00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:04,780
Hennessy has just passed away.
461
00:34:05,100 --> 00:34:09,560
Everybody went quiet with that name. Has
just passed away at his home in
462
00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:13,080
Seattle. And the rear admiral calls the
captain and he says, you're Hennessy's
463
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,739
immediate commanding officer. I think
you should be the one to tell him.
464
00:34:17,300 --> 00:34:19,340
So the captain, it's rather good that
way.
465
00:34:20,580 --> 00:34:21,659
So the captain.
466
00:34:22,380 --> 00:34:26,159
The captain radios through to Hennessy,
who is down at the engine room, as
467
00:34:26,159 --> 00:34:28,860
delicately as he can. He says, as
delicately as he can, he breaks the
468
00:34:28,860 --> 00:34:32,580
news. He said, Hennessy, your old man
has snuffed it over and out.
469
00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:36,719
Well, the rear admiral overhearing this
is disgusted.
470
00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:38,840
I am disgusted, he said.
471
00:34:40,380 --> 00:34:41,880
There you are. What did I tell you? I
told you.
472
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:46,080
He said, that was the most heartless
thing I have ever witnessed.
473
00:34:46,300 --> 00:34:50,219
When you're telling someone like that
something of great urgency, you have to
474
00:34:50,219 --> 00:34:50,998
it gently.
475
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:52,000
Use the personal touch.
476
00:34:52,100 --> 00:34:55,400
Soften the blow for the poor fellow. So
as luck would have it, or chance, a day
477
00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:58,440
later, another message comes through,
this time for petty officer
478
00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:03,360
Schultzenheimer, to say that his mother
has just passed away.
479
00:35:04,340 --> 00:35:07,300
Actually, she was so upset by the death
of R .M .G. Energy's father.
480
00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:11,080
She decided life wasn't worth living
anymore.
481
00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:14,880
Once again, it falls to the captain to
break the news. So remembering what he'd
482
00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:18,320
been told, he decides to try a different
approach. Instead of going straight to
483
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:22,980
Schultzenheimer, he puts out a special
order that at 1800 hours for all the men
484
00:35:22,980 --> 00:35:26,780
to assemble on deck. And when they're
all there lined up in front of him, he
485
00:35:26,780 --> 00:35:28,080
calls for silence. He says, right.
486
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,760
He said, all those with mothers step
forward.
487
00:35:31,980 --> 00:35:33,660
Not so fast, Schultzenheimer.
488
00:36:45,100 --> 00:36:48,280
I got the loot. I got the gat. I got the
outfit.
489
00:36:48,660 --> 00:36:51,760
I got the stout fit. Every well -dressed
gangster wears.
490
00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:53,200
They call me Al.
491
00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:58,860
They call me Spatz. But if a pal, she
call me Pats. He'll get the packet, the
492
00:36:58,860 --> 00:36:59,859
wooden jacket.
493
00:36:59,860 --> 00:37:01,800
Every well -dressed gangster wears.
494
00:37:02,340 --> 00:37:04,680
We're just your friendly neighborhood.
495
00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:06,520
So the big shots disagree.
496
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:11,800
We rule the block with a big knock
-knock and a little rat -a -tat from me.
497
00:37:12,140 --> 00:37:13,140
We got the boots.
498
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:14,320
We got the jets.
499
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:19,520
There's Al Capone in Alcatraz. He's in
the plane kit, the ball and chain kit,
500
00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:21,740
every well -dressed gangster wears.
501
00:37:22,660 --> 00:37:28,580
If you want someone bumped, if you want
a fella dumped and dumped, if you want
502
00:37:28,580 --> 00:37:31,500
your grandma thumped, fat son of a guy.
503
00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:37,320
If you've got nagging wives, Interflora
can improve their lives.
504
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:41,360
But who sends a bunch of fives? Fat son
of a guy.
505
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,980
When a guy's got a beef at the butcher.
506
00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:49,000
Or the bills that the dentist has
billed. Then we give a chop to the
507
00:37:49,240 --> 00:37:51,360
And the dentist is gonna get filled.
508
00:37:52,380 --> 00:37:54,400
If you desire a gent.
509
00:37:54,860 --> 00:37:56,980
And a little journey should be sent.
510
00:37:57,680 --> 00:37:59,440
Get wrapped in fresh cement.
511
00:37:59,920 --> 00:38:01,220
That's another guy.
512
00:38:05,180 --> 00:38:07,420
Yes, we're in the gambling racket.
513
00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:09,700
And we play the fruit machine.
514
00:38:10,100 --> 00:38:14,820
Oh, the jackpot comes when you get three
plums, but we just get tangerines.
515
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:21,020
Yes, we're in the numbers racket, and
the quick returns are nice.
516
00:38:21,540 --> 00:38:26,240
It's ten on three with Wang Haile, but
all we get is two flied lice.
517
00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:30,700
If you want a little first -rate brandy,
Napoleon is A -OK.
518
00:38:31,380 --> 00:38:35,780
But if you want to pick a bootleg
liquor, the Wellington has got bouquet.
519
00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:40,840
Yes, we're in the moonshine racket, and
we brew the bathtub gin.
520
00:38:41,100 --> 00:38:45,320
But it rots the chrome when it starts to
foam, because the lifebuoy's so
521
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:46,320
filling, you know.
522
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:55,160
Midnight through to afternoon, we play
blackjack and pontoon. Playing alcafoni
523
00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:58,100
when the lolly isn't phony, then you
really got a twist off us.
524
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:03,500
If you want to make a buck, can't afford
to dress to luck.
525
00:39:03,820 --> 00:39:08,020
So I have a dozen aces in some funny
little places. You really got a grist or
526
00:39:08,020 --> 00:39:12,800
bust? I'm playing poker with some big
joker with every hand he scores.
527
00:39:13,820 --> 00:39:18,500
This vigilante says, up the ante, and I
reply, oh, no, up yours.
528
00:39:18,900 --> 00:39:21,060
You lose a name of past.
529
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,460
She was sweet, but she was flat.
530
00:39:23,860 --> 00:39:27,060
Patty's looking better with a cushion up
her sweater. Now, you really got a
531
00:39:27,060 --> 00:39:29,040
grist or a bust?
532
00:39:33,520 --> 00:39:38,780
When the gunman meets a piece of sky,
then the guy used to do the dirt, shoots
533
00:39:38,780 --> 00:39:42,800
the cups upon his Sunday shirt, cause
it's Valentine's Day today.
534
00:39:43,420 --> 00:39:48,300
When a guy in Sing Sing starts to smile
cause he's got a cake that's full of
535
00:39:48,300 --> 00:39:52,720
fire, then he'll soon be shooting down
the aisle, cause it's Valentine's Day
536
00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:58,000
today. When the fellas in Chicago took a
beating, Al Capone had a party for the
537
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:00,620
lot, he took a load of whiskey to the
meeting.
538
00:40:03,630 --> 00:40:08,730
As they lined up in the back street
yards, Al Capone winked at all his
539
00:40:08,870 --> 00:40:12,970
And each time, boys, they got their
cards. On Valentine's Day today.
540
00:40:35,630 --> 00:40:36,910
Hey there, cutie.
541
00:40:37,130 --> 00:40:38,190
You're amazing.
542
00:40:38,530 --> 00:40:39,530
You're a beauty.
543
00:40:39,570 --> 00:40:42,390
You're a big success. You're a real
princess.
544
00:40:42,650 --> 00:40:44,050
You're the valentine girl.
545
00:41:42,890 --> 00:41:44,130
or small or sassy.
546
00:41:44,370 --> 00:41:48,510
Though you're five foot one, though
you're half a ton, you're about time to
547
00:41:48,510 --> 00:41:49,510
for me.
548
00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:17,520
Well, that's about all we have time for
tonight, but before we go, a few late
549
00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:18,479
items of news.
550
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:22,660
There was good news today for Inigo
Limpet of Gay Lib when he qualified as a
551
00:42:22,660 --> 00:42:25,040
doctor. He aims to be a queer nose and
throat specialist.
552
00:42:29,700 --> 00:42:35,740
Latest on the bullion robbery, at
Wandsworth Police Station, a man who's
553
00:42:35,740 --> 00:42:39,560
as a post and doesn't speak English,
with a terrible stutter, bad breath and
554
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:43,300
squeaky shoes, is not helping the police
with their inquiries. One little bit.
555
00:42:45,830 --> 00:42:49,790
Finally, Royston Kildare, the Dewsbury
man who wants various parts of his body
556
00:42:49,790 --> 00:42:53,750
to be used in transplant operations, was
out practising this morning. He offered
557
00:42:53,750 --> 00:42:54,890
his seat to a woman on the bus.
558
00:42:57,090 --> 00:43:00,970
Next week, we'll be meeting the man who
only three months ago went into business
559
00:43:00,970 --> 00:43:05,670
making miniaturised pocket calculators.
And things are already going so well
560
00:43:05,670 --> 00:43:07,110
that he's looking for smaller premises.
561
00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:14,600
having a word with the secretary who
made love to her boss on a Sunday and
562
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:15,980
him the time and a half of his life.
563
00:43:17,940 --> 00:43:20,500
Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.
47097
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