All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s08e01

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (SoranĂ®)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:28,840 Good evening. It's wonderful to be back with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed 2 00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:32,439 it is. And in a packed programme tonight, we shall be meeting the Irish 3 00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:35,480 has never found a hair on her husband's coat and thinks he's having an affair 4 00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:36,480 with a bald woman. 5 00:00:37,780 --> 00:00:39,440 We'll be meeting Egbert Grove. 6 00:00:40,030 --> 00:00:43,650 Britain's worst train driver, who was today disciplined by the Railways Board 7 00:00:43,650 --> 00:00:47,090 for taking his train through a red light at the junction of Tottenham Court Road 8 00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:48,090 and Oxford Service. 9 00:00:48,730 --> 00:00:52,930 But first, the news. The Sheffield woman who has been trying out the new roast 10 00:00:52,930 --> 00:00:56,310 beef flavoured pill announced today that she's got a Yorkshire pudding in the 11 00:00:56,310 --> 00:01:01,050 oven. In Israel tennis championships this week, a Surrey engine driver was 12 00:01:01,050 --> 00:01:05,850 forced to retire from the mixed doubles after a low ball in the Midland region 13 00:01:05,850 --> 00:01:08,030 left his services severely disrupted. 14 00:01:12,750 --> 00:01:16,290 A government spokesman said today that Britain will be playing her part in the 15 00:01:16,290 --> 00:01:19,750 new NATO defence package. We should be supplying the brown paper and string. 16 00:01:21,190 --> 00:01:25,930 The Department of Fair Trading has been called in to investigate the latest sing 17 00:01:25,930 --> 00:01:31,030 -along a Max concert after complaints that Max Bygraves got paid £9 ,000 and 18 00:01:31,030 --> 00:01:32,110 audience did most of the singing. 19 00:01:32,930 --> 00:01:36,870 The Metropolitan Police today deny that prisoners in their custody are 20 00:01:36,870 --> 00:01:39,430 excessively pampered. This follows yesterday's report. 21 00:01:39,770 --> 00:01:42,830 that a man was hustled out of New Scotland Yard with an electric blanket 22 00:01:42,830 --> 00:01:43,830 his head. 23 00:01:46,810 --> 00:01:51,670 Bendini, the circus acrobat, who claims he can make love on a curtain rail, 24 00:01:51,870 --> 00:01:55,630 appeared in court today charged with attempting to drape three women. 25 00:01:58,490 --> 00:02:02,410 We've now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, who was late for work today. He 26 00:02:02,410 --> 00:02:04,710 was cleaning out the budgie cage and the door slammed on him. 27 00:02:19,150 --> 00:02:21,630 And so to our first contender. Good evening, your name please. 28 00:02:22,210 --> 00:02:23,210 Good evening. 29 00:02:23,330 --> 00:02:26,270 In your first heat, your chosen subject was answering questions before they were 30 00:02:26,270 --> 00:02:29,830 asked. This time, you have chosen to answer the question before last each 31 00:02:29,890 --> 00:02:30,709 Is that correct? 32 00:02:30,710 --> 00:02:31,710 Charlie Smithers. 33 00:02:35,150 --> 00:02:38,730 And your time starts now. What is paleontology? 34 00:02:39,010 --> 00:02:40,250 Yes, absolutely correct. 35 00:02:42,210 --> 00:02:44,990 What's the name of the directory that lists members of the peerage? 36 00:02:45,310 --> 00:02:46,590 A study of old fossils. 37 00:02:48,010 --> 00:02:50,720 Correct. Who are Len Murray and Sir Geoffrey Howe? 38 00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:52,500 Birks. 39 00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:56,620 Correct. What is the difference between a donkey and an ass? 40 00:02:57,660 --> 00:02:59,960 One's a trade union leader, the other's a member of the cabinet. 41 00:03:02,700 --> 00:03:03,700 Hold on. 42 00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:09,620 Complete the quotation, to be or not to be? 43 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:11,560 They're both the same. Correct. 44 00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:14,660 What is Bernard Manning famous for? 45 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:16,720 That is the question. 46 00:03:19,310 --> 00:03:21,110 Who is the present Archbishop of Canterbury? 47 00:03:21,510 --> 00:03:23,390 He is a fat man who tells blue jokes. 48 00:03:24,710 --> 00:03:25,710 Correct. 49 00:03:25,910 --> 00:03:27,470 What do people kneel on in church? 50 00:03:28,030 --> 00:03:29,710 The Right Reverend Robert Runcie. 51 00:03:30,750 --> 00:03:33,330 Correct. What do tarantulas prey on? 52 00:03:34,030 --> 00:03:35,030 Hyssocks. 53 00:03:35,490 --> 00:03:36,490 Correct. 54 00:03:36,730 --> 00:03:38,750 What would you use a ripcord to pull open? 55 00:03:40,450 --> 00:03:41,450 Large flies. 56 00:03:42,750 --> 00:03:45,530 Correct. What sort of a person lived in Bedlam? 57 00:03:45,870 --> 00:03:46,870 A parachute. 58 00:03:47,630 --> 00:03:49,590 Correct. What is a jockstrap? A nutcase. 59 00:03:49,850 --> 00:03:50,850 Correct. 60 00:03:54,990 --> 00:04:01,650 For what purpose would a decorator use methylene 61 00:04:01,650 --> 00:04:04,110 chlorides? A form of athletic support. 62 00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:07,170 Correct. What did Henri de Toulouse -Lautrec do? 63 00:04:07,910 --> 00:04:08,910 Paint strippers. 64 00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,770 Correct. Who is Dean Martin? 65 00:04:13,230 --> 00:04:14,410 He's a kind of artist. 66 00:04:14,750 --> 00:04:15,810 Yes. What sort of artist? 67 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:21,240 That's near enough. 68 00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:26,900 What make of vehicle is the standard London bus? 69 00:04:27,380 --> 00:04:28,640 A singer. Correct. 70 00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:33,640 In 1892, Brandon Thomas wrote a famous long -running English farce. What was 71 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:34,800 British Zealand. 72 00:04:37,540 --> 00:04:41,120 Correct. Complete the following quotation... I started so I'd finish. 73 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,200 the following quotation about Mrs. Thatcher. 74 00:04:43,420 --> 00:04:46,440 Her heart may be in the right place, but her... Charlie's aunt. Correct. 75 00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:01,430 Good evening. 76 00:05:01,770 --> 00:05:02,770 I'm the Fuzz. 77 00:05:04,350 --> 00:05:07,630 I'm actually a plainclothes officer, but today's my day off. 78 00:05:12,190 --> 00:05:16,390 Now, where I work, at Marylebone Police Station, we have the worst crime record 79 00:05:16,390 --> 00:05:17,390 in the country. 80 00:05:17,610 --> 00:05:19,750 At least we used to have before somebody stole it. 81 00:05:21,310 --> 00:05:23,650 It was Shaw Taylor singing Give Me Five Minutes More. 82 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:28,040 And that's where you come in. Now, the crime figures in Britain today make 83 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:30,300 pretty grim reading. Now, you just listen to this. 84 00:05:30,660 --> 00:05:34,960 In Pinner, last weekend, a store was broken into and a large quantity of eye 85 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:35,960 drops were stolen. 86 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,560 Detectives are looking for someone with very sore eyes. 87 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:43,960 Next day, a large quantity of pear drops were stolen and detectives are now 88 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,820 looking for a nude lady who plays the accordion. 89 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:53,920 Now, if you recognise this joke or can give information about the comedian who 90 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:58,240 stole it, Let us know at once. In the meantime, here is a very rough identikit 91 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,240 of his name. 92 00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:07,520 But our problems don't end there. We in the police force are perilously 93 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,820 understaffed, and we need recruits fast. 94 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,020 But remember, we do insist on stiff requirements. 95 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:18,080 So if you've got a stiff requirement, you're just the man we're looking for. 96 00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:22,870 As you've probably heard, we no longer accept men under six foot. Why not? 97 00:06:22,890 --> 00:06:24,550 it's too much trouble digging them up, for one thing. 98 00:06:29,330 --> 00:06:33,350 Remember also that there is a minimum leg requirement, namely two. 99 00:06:35,470 --> 00:06:37,850 Or four, if you want to join the police dog section. 100 00:06:39,170 --> 00:06:41,810 In Marylebone, we have a very fine dog section. 101 00:06:42,030 --> 00:06:45,810 My own police dog, Fang, can be relied upon to do his duty around the clock. 102 00:06:47,150 --> 00:06:49,090 And sometimes round the leg of the dining room table. 103 00:06:50,470 --> 00:06:53,910 Now, if you don't fancy becoming a talk handler, there's always the policewomen. 104 00:06:54,650 --> 00:07:00,590 Now... To become a policewoman, you'll have to be in pretty good shape. 105 00:07:00,870 --> 00:07:01,910 Preferably this shape. 106 00:07:04,130 --> 00:07:07,010 Here we see a lady chief inspector with the flying squad. 107 00:07:07,850 --> 00:07:09,310 And there are her sweeney boppers. 108 00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:15,530 Now, at police college, you will be taught the basic rudiments of the job. 109 00:07:15,570 --> 00:07:19,550 Essential things every policeman must know, like how to wear a helmet. Now, 110 00:07:19,550 --> 00:07:20,570 is a lot easier. 111 00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:23,910 Now, 112 00:07:25,510 --> 00:07:26,510 this is a lot easier. 113 00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:29,670 Now, this is a lot easier than it sounds. 114 00:07:29,910 --> 00:07:32,430 Now, here we see the wrong way to wear a helmet. 115 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:40,000 Sorry, silly that. No use at all. But worn correctly, a police helmet will 116 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,240 considerable protection where you need it most. 117 00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:50,300 Also, at police college, you will be put on a three -week crash course to learn 118 00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:53,980 the police telephone number. Now, this number is specially designed to be so 119 00:07:53,980 --> 00:07:57,560 simple that only a complete simpleton could ever forget it. The number is, of 120 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:04,020 course... I've got it written down on a piece of paper here somewhere. 121 00:08:04,670 --> 00:08:06,010 Oh, yes, of course, 666. 122 00:08:09,150 --> 00:08:13,510 This is not to be confused, of course, with calling 999, which is something my 123 00:08:13,510 --> 00:08:15,310 German au pair does in the back seat of the Mini. 124 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:24,020 also be fully schooled in the oriental martial arts. Now, this means that when 125 00:08:24,020 --> 00:08:27,520 an eight -foot skinhead comes at you with a chainsaw, you simply position 126 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:31,660 body so as to counterbalance the net mass of your opponent and by a subtle 127 00:08:31,660 --> 00:08:34,700 of your fulcrum, reduce his overall angular momentum. 128 00:08:35,980 --> 00:08:37,799 If this fails, kick him in the conkers. 129 00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:45,580 You can also be taught how to deal with shoplifters. Now, some shoplifters use 130 00:08:45,580 --> 00:08:49,100 some pretty ingenious methods. I once had cause to approach a woman who I was 131 00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:52,380 pretty certain and been smuggling out bars of soap down the front of her 132 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,760 Eventually, of course, she made a clean breast of it. 133 00:08:56,160 --> 00:09:00,140 Now, if you join the drug squad, you'll need to identify certain suspicious 134 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,240 substances, like, for instance, marijuana. 135 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:04,720 There's one. 136 00:09:08,980 --> 00:09:10,420 Cross between a marrow and a banana. 137 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,340 You will also have to deal with cement sniffers. 138 00:09:14,740 --> 00:09:16,860 That's glue sniffers who've moved on to the hard stuff. 139 00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:25,420 Our next track, which brings us to drunken drivers. Now here, here we have 140 00:09:25,420 --> 00:09:26,420 new breathalyzer bag. 141 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:40,380 Very simple to operate. All you do is to press your mouth to this bit here. 142 00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:47,960 And if you enjoy 143 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:48,960 it, you're drunk. 144 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,540 Finally, if you would like to join the police force, you've got an O -level in 145 00:09:59,540 --> 00:10:03,600 brain surgery and stand six foot in your stocking feet or five foot eleven in 146 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:08,300 fishnet tights, then write for your application form. Now, one final word of 147 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:11,580 warning. When you do join up, the gents at Scotland Yard has only just been 148 00:10:11,580 --> 00:10:13,960 repainted, so mind how you go. Good night. 149 00:10:28,590 --> 00:10:32,070 You reckon we'll have longer now than we used to? 150 00:10:32,450 --> 00:10:34,370 Oh, undoubtedly, yes. 151 00:10:35,230 --> 00:10:37,330 I never lived so long in my life. 152 00:10:38,850 --> 00:10:42,370 It's because they've gone back to the breastfeeding, you know. Oh? 153 00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:46,510 Well, mother's milk's much better than cow's milk. 154 00:10:47,330 --> 00:10:49,330 How do you reckon that, then? 155 00:10:49,590 --> 00:10:54,910 Well, it's always fresh when the cat can't get at it. 156 00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,720 And it comes in handy little containers. 157 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:07,540 Yeah. And you don't have to leave them out for the milkman. 158 00:11:08,820 --> 00:11:10,900 The woman next door does. 159 00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:34,780 Baby cried the day the circus came to town. 160 00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:41,660 Cause she didn't want the rage of passing by her. 161 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:48,140 So she painted on a smile and took up with some clown. 162 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:53,200 And danced without a net. 163 00:12:08,010 --> 00:12:09,030 Like me 164 00:12:47,530 --> 00:12:51,130 Baby saw the day they pulled the big top down. 165 00:12:53,770 --> 00:12:58,590 Left behind her dreams among the litter. 166 00:13:00,390 --> 00:13:05,770 And the different kind of love she thought she found. 167 00:13:07,650 --> 00:13:12,510 With nothing more than sawdust and some glitter. 168 00:13:14,530 --> 00:13:16,830 But baby can. 169 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:26,880 She had the finest teacher that to me 170 00:15:01,070 --> 00:15:02,530 The dateline is 2012. 171 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:06,330 England is in the grip of a new regime of terror. 172 00:15:07,030 --> 00:15:11,370 Traditionally a land of brave heroes and great statesmen, Nelson, Wellington, 173 00:15:11,750 --> 00:15:13,350 Disraeli, Churchill. 174 00:15:14,110 --> 00:15:18,250 Britain now laboured under the yoke of a power guaranteed to strike fear into 175 00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:22,130 the hearts of all men. The country is being run by women. 176 00:15:24,470 --> 00:15:26,710 It all started with Margaret Thatcher. 177 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:31,040 Housewives all over England, delighted at her rise to power, voted more and 178 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:34,300 women in and more and more men out. 179 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:42,140 A few years later, the Germaine Greer knicker uprising made 1984 a far more 180 00:15:42,140 --> 00:15:44,340 terrifying year than even George Orwell predicted. 181 00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:49,020 Men's clubs were abolished, gentlemen's toilets closed, creating widespread 182 00:15:49,020 --> 00:15:51,140 distress among thinking and drinking men everywhere. 183 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,720 Gay libbers naturally were the first to go to the wall. 184 00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:59,160 The advance of feminism was by now making itself felt in public and 185 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,680 spheres. Names of buildings were changed. 186 00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:05,380 The Houses of Parliament were still the Houses of Parliament, but immediately 187 00:16:05,380 --> 00:16:09,680 the all -woman government took over. Big Ben was renamed Big Brenda. 188 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:17,600 By 1998, the newly formed State Police had established their headquarters in 189 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:18,720 old Tower of London. 190 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:24,000 This historic fortress, with its grisly associations of torture and executions, 191 00:16:24,220 --> 00:16:28,380 had been given the name of a former folk heroine and was now known to all and 192 00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:29,840 sundry as Barbara Castle. 193 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:35,960 The state police marched around the country in squads. 194 00:16:37,460 --> 00:16:40,900 They were omnipotent and carried all before them. 195 00:16:46,460 --> 00:16:48,160 Quite a lot behind them as well. 196 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:56,700 It had become, in short, an England completely dominated by the female sex. 197 00:16:57,060 --> 00:17:03,160 Even the Union Jack had now become the Union Jill, a sad travesty of its former 198 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:04,159 self. 199 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:25,700 Women were the breadwinners. They gave the orders. They made the decisions. 200 00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:29,020 They were the union leaders, the captains of industry. 201 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:30,840 And the men? 202 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,740 Well, let's start with this one. 203 00:17:35,780 --> 00:17:37,380 Because it has indeed been. 204 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,160 Really. 205 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,520 Cartwright, J .W. 206 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:46,080 He is employed as a tea boy at the secret police headquarters in Barbara 207 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,640 He has a pass with his photograph on it, pinned to his overall. 208 00:17:50,300 --> 00:17:55,860 He lives in a two -roomed flat in Perryvale, and he is the worm that is 209 00:17:55,860 --> 00:17:56,860 turn. 210 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:02,360 His main adversary, everybody's main adversary, was the commander of the 211 00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:05,660 police, a woman with an iron will and underwear to match. 212 00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:14,910 Now, ladies, it has been suggested by certain opposition factions... that 213 00:18:14,910 --> 00:18:19,110 men should once again be allowed to revert to wearing trousers. 214 00:18:20,050 --> 00:18:26,230 And I can see that to you, as well as to me, this whole concept is unthinkable. 215 00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:32,290 They must be kept in frocks if we are to retain the control which we have fought 216 00:18:32,290 --> 00:18:33,610 so hard to achieve. 217 00:18:34,470 --> 00:18:39,810 Trousers have always been the symbol of the male overlord. Here in England... 218 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:44,100 Trousers were traditionally always worn by the head of the family. 219 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:49,340 In those olden days, all women had an image of their perfect man. 220 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,440 Nice strong black one for you, wasn't it? 221 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:59,380 And yet, deep down, there was always a resentment. A spirit of rebellion which 222 00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:04,660 was ready at any time to burst to the surface. When our mothers and 223 00:19:04,660 --> 00:19:09,220 burnt their bras way back in the 70s, what did this reveal? 224 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,600 Nothing at all for you, as far as I remember. 225 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:18,860 It revealed that at last women, the creators of life, the protectors of the 226 00:19:18,860 --> 00:19:23,500 young, the guardians of the future, were ready to assume the mantle of 227 00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:28,940 leadership. The masterstroke, however, was to insist on the changeover in 228 00:19:28,940 --> 00:19:29,919 traditional dress. 229 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,680 Once the men had to wear the frocks, they were subjugated. 230 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:38,160 As soon as we took their trousers away, they were putty in our hands. 231 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,300 After all, what did they have left? 232 00:19:41,740 --> 00:19:43,300 Two lumps and a sponge finger. 233 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:53,180 While on the other side of London, another downtrodden male goes about his 234 00:19:53,180 --> 00:19:57,760 everyday chores, only half conscious of the seeds of rebellion which are growing 235 00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:58,760 inside him. 236 00:20:10,540 --> 00:20:11,540 Oh, it's you, Janet. 237 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:12,960 Yeah, how are you? 238 00:20:13,300 --> 00:20:16,100 No, no, no, not at all, no, no. Just doing a bit of housework. 239 00:20:16,380 --> 00:20:18,800 Yeah. I don't know why I bother either. 240 00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:23,460 Yes, I work and slave to keep it all clean and tidy. She just comes home, 241 00:20:23,460 --> 00:20:25,760 down in an armchair, falls asleep in front of the television set. 242 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,860 Just broken two of my blasted fingernails as well. 243 00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:32,000 Look, are you coming round as usual this afternoon? 244 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,100 Well, yes, I've made a cake. 245 00:20:34,940 --> 00:20:36,580 No, no, nothing fancy, no, just a plain one. 246 00:20:37,260 --> 00:20:38,420 Well, I've got to watch the old figure. 247 00:20:39,150 --> 00:20:41,650 I can't get into that blue dress she bought me for my birthday. Right. 248 00:20:44,070 --> 00:20:45,070 Okay, see you later. Bye. 249 00:20:53,870 --> 00:20:54,870 Oh, damn. 250 00:20:56,930 --> 00:20:58,290 New pair on this morning. 251 00:21:17,130 --> 00:21:18,130 Let me take your coat. Oh. 252 00:21:18,630 --> 00:21:20,230 Well, how are you, Betty, old chap? 253 00:21:20,510 --> 00:21:21,930 Oh, fine, fine, mustn't bother. 254 00:21:22,310 --> 00:21:23,310 Sit down. 255 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:24,630 Thank you. Nice cup of tea. 256 00:21:26,730 --> 00:21:30,470 Oh, you've changed the curtains, haven't you? Yes, yes, yes. 257 00:21:31,570 --> 00:21:35,290 Oh, before I forget, the drama club have been on, and they said, would I be in 258 00:21:35,290 --> 00:21:38,310 this year's production again? I said, I would if you would. I presume you would, 259 00:21:38,350 --> 00:21:40,790 wouldn't you? Oh, rather, yes. Wouldn't miss that for work. 260 00:21:41,370 --> 00:21:42,370 What is it? 261 00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:45,170 Well, of course, you know they've made them change the titles of all the plays 262 00:21:45,170 --> 00:21:46,350 that have sexual connotations. 263 00:21:46,780 --> 00:21:49,460 Oh, they're not doing Juno and the Peahen? 264 00:21:49,780 --> 00:21:50,780 No. 265 00:21:51,220 --> 00:21:52,220 Moby Dillis? 266 00:21:52,660 --> 00:21:55,580 No, you remember the one that used to be called Little Women? Well, now it's 267 00:21:55,580 --> 00:21:57,080 called Little Men. 268 00:21:57,980 --> 00:21:59,260 You'd be good for the leading, actually. 269 00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:01,740 Which part is that? 270 00:22:02,180 --> 00:22:03,560 Arthur, the eldest daughter. 271 00:22:04,060 --> 00:22:05,280 Oh, it gets so complicated. 272 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,160 Betty, old chap, I'm in trouble. 273 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:09,439 In trouble? 274 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:10,580 Don't tell me John's pregnant. 275 00:22:10,980 --> 00:22:11,980 No, no. 276 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,600 No, it's just that I'm being spied on at work. 277 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:18,280 What, at the castle? 278 00:22:18,620 --> 00:22:21,680 I think the secret police have heard about my collection of chauvinistic 279 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,180 I'm sure that house is going to be searched any moment. 280 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:25,740 We'll have to get rid of them. 281 00:22:26,140 --> 00:22:27,860 Can't you see? Not before Thursday. 282 00:22:28,260 --> 00:22:30,600 You know, I'm having the private show in the auction rooms. 283 00:22:31,140 --> 00:22:33,980 It'll be the last, because it's just getting too risky. Did you know that you 284 00:22:33,980 --> 00:22:36,820 can get three months' hard labour for showing a Humphrey Bogart? 285 00:22:38,020 --> 00:22:40,180 So, you want me to spread the word to the rest of the lads, eh? 286 00:22:40,430 --> 00:22:43,830 Yes, if you would, in the secret code, tell them Sewing Circle meets on 287 00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:45,330 Thursday, as usual. Same place. 288 00:22:45,590 --> 00:22:47,430 Does he mind you using his auction rooms? 289 00:22:47,670 --> 00:22:51,470 Who, Greta? No, he's a great chap, Greta. He'd give you the dress off his 290 00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:52,470 if you asked. 291 00:22:53,390 --> 00:22:55,930 Right, so if it happens, I should be seeing some of the lads in the morning. 292 00:22:55,950 --> 00:22:57,050 really? Why, are you going to keep fit? 293 00:22:57,290 --> 00:22:58,410 No, having my roots done. 294 00:23:19,989 --> 00:23:23,210 Susan, give Cheryl a knock, will you, damned old fools? There's a deck of the 295 00:23:23,210 --> 00:23:24,230 post. No, no. 296 00:23:26,650 --> 00:23:27,650 Come in. 297 00:23:30,510 --> 00:23:31,510 Cheryl. 298 00:23:31,710 --> 00:23:32,710 Oh. 299 00:23:33,210 --> 00:23:35,070 Showing evening Thursday, all right? 300 00:23:35,750 --> 00:23:37,430 Oh, good, good. 301 00:23:40,330 --> 00:23:41,330 Oh, Thursday. 302 00:23:41,990 --> 00:23:42,990 Huh. 303 00:23:43,230 --> 00:23:45,890 My wife goes out with her boozing pals. 304 00:23:46,870 --> 00:23:48,470 Pass it on, will you? Yeah. 305 00:23:52,370 --> 00:23:53,650 Gracie. Gracie. 306 00:23:55,190 --> 00:23:57,230 I think we can turn things on. 307 00:24:20,270 --> 00:24:21,970 Annie, what the devil are you doing here, old boy? 308 00:24:22,430 --> 00:24:23,430 Police. 309 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:09,040 who are the police looking for? 310 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:10,640 Will Janet be discovered? 311 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,480 Will the policewoman see him? Or will the vanishing cream do the trick? 312 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:17,700 Is Betty a man to be trusted? 313 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:23,940 Find out next week in another exciting episode of The Worm That Turned. 314 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:42,660 What? Now you told me the doctor said you could only have two points a day. 315 00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:44,500 That's right, yeah. 316 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:48,480 Well, your missus tells me you have half a dozen. 317 00:25:49,140 --> 00:25:50,140 Yeah, that's right, yeah. 318 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:52,040 How come? 319 00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:57,000 Well, I went to two other doctors and they both are laying me two points. 320 00:26:14,190 --> 00:26:15,190 No, it's pretty kind. 321 00:26:15,570 --> 00:26:18,550 I'll have a pint of... What, a pint of mard? No, a pint of... A pint of bitter? 322 00:26:18,750 --> 00:26:22,650 No, a pint of... A pint of mard and bitter? No, a pint of shandy. Oh, a pint 323 00:26:22,650 --> 00:26:24,770 shandy. A pint of shandy, Jack, will you? 324 00:26:25,090 --> 00:26:26,130 I haven't seen you in here lately. 325 00:26:26,410 --> 00:26:29,590 No, as a matter of fact, I've been off... Off on holiday, have you? No, 326 00:26:29,590 --> 00:26:32,510 Off beer, have you? No, um... Off colour. 327 00:26:32,730 --> 00:26:33,730 Off colour? 328 00:26:34,310 --> 00:26:35,310 What's been the matter with you, then? 329 00:26:35,490 --> 00:26:38,870 Well, I happened at work, got these strange feelings in my... In your 330 00:26:39,090 --> 00:26:40,210 No, in my... What, in your back? 331 00:26:40,570 --> 00:26:41,570 No, in my... In your side? 332 00:26:41,810 --> 00:26:42,870 No, in my... In your backside? 333 00:26:49,740 --> 00:26:53,340 What sort of feelings? Well, it happened in the canteen, you know. 334 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:58,080 I was sitting opposite this woman and she got one of those... Look in her eye. 335 00:26:58,260 --> 00:27:00,740 No, one of those... What, hourglass figures? 336 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,940 No, apple turnovers. 337 00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:08,000 So she got this apple turnover and she kept... Turned it over? 338 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:11,560 No, she kept toying with it. Oh, toying with it, yeah. 339 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,000 Oh, there we are. 340 00:27:13,340 --> 00:27:16,100 Thank you, Jack. Thank you very much. Cheers, cheers. Yeah, cheers, cheers. 341 00:27:17,790 --> 00:27:20,670 Anyway, as I say, we were sitting opposite each other at this little 342 00:27:20,790 --> 00:27:24,010 Yeah. And I suddenly felt her... Her hand on your knee. 343 00:27:24,230 --> 00:27:25,230 No. 344 00:27:25,490 --> 00:27:26,890 Her hand on your other knee. No. 345 00:27:27,510 --> 00:27:29,770 What did you feel then? What's she got her hand on? What did you feel then? No, 346 00:27:29,830 --> 00:27:30,830 no, no. 347 00:27:30,970 --> 00:27:34,990 No. No, well, I felt... I felt her looking at me, you know. 348 00:27:36,250 --> 00:27:40,450 I could tell she fancied me, you know. We got chatting about this, about 349 00:27:40,450 --> 00:27:43,470 gardening and all that. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it came up in a conversation that 350 00:27:43,470 --> 00:27:45,270 I'm very good on... On the lawn. 351 00:27:45,510 --> 00:27:46,510 No. 352 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:50,520 On Friday nights. 353 00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,040 Now, I'm very good on pest control. 354 00:27:53,260 --> 00:27:54,260 Oh, I hear you. 355 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,060 So she said to me, what are you doing this afternoon? 356 00:27:57,500 --> 00:28:00,260 I said, oh, I should very probably be out shopping because the wife will be 357 00:28:00,260 --> 00:28:02,180 resting in bed with her... With any luck. 358 00:28:02,420 --> 00:28:03,420 No. 359 00:28:04,140 --> 00:28:05,360 No, with her trouble. Oh. 360 00:28:05,820 --> 00:28:07,000 What trouble's she got then? 361 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,360 Well, ever since she worked at a Greek restaurant, she's had bad... Bad habits. 362 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,620 No, bad... Bad breath. No, bad... Bad feet. 363 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:15,840 Oh, has she? 364 00:28:16,180 --> 00:28:20,420 Yeah. So... She says, look, she says, you come round. I could sunbathe in the 365 00:28:20,420 --> 00:28:24,000 patio, she says. Yeah. And you could look at my big, um... Big what? 366 00:28:25,100 --> 00:28:26,100 Big what? 367 00:28:26,460 --> 00:28:27,460 Begonia. 368 00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:29,340 Well, 369 00:28:29,900 --> 00:28:33,160 at first I refused because I was a bit taken aback, you know. Yeah. I said, no, 370 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:37,600 I couldn't. I said, because I didn't have a long enough, um... What? 371 00:28:37,820 --> 00:28:39,920 I didn't have a long enough, um... What, 372 00:28:40,660 --> 00:28:41,940 a spray or what? No, no. 373 00:28:42,340 --> 00:28:44,580 No, a long enough shopping list to be away that long. 374 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,580 I went, cos she pleaded with me, didn't she? She pleaded with me. She said if I 375 00:28:50,580 --> 00:28:54,860 didn't go round there, she'd be lying there all afternoon on her... On her 376 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:57,940 No, on her... On her front. No, on her... On her begonias. 377 00:28:58,480 --> 00:28:59,480 No, 378 00:28:59,820 --> 00:29:00,840 on her own. On her own. 379 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:05,500 So there she was in her sun suit and we wandered about and everything, and I 380 00:29:05,500 --> 00:29:08,700 suddenly said to her, I said, I would like to kiss you, I said. Well, she 381 00:29:08,700 --> 00:29:10,860 immediately got on her... Hands and knees. 382 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:15,040 No, on her eye holes. Oh, her eye holes. 383 00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:22,180 She said, sir... She said, I think you're a little, um... A little raver? 384 00:29:22,780 --> 00:29:23,780 A little drunk? 385 00:29:23,820 --> 00:29:25,460 No, a little premature. 386 00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:27,500 Oh, a little premature drunk. 387 00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:32,760 She said, I've only known you an hour, she said. You'll have to wait another 388 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:33,760 minutes. 389 00:29:35,880 --> 00:29:37,920 Then she went indoors, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah. 390 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:40,940 Well, I stayed behind and tidied up the rockery and that kind of thing. Then I 391 00:29:40,940 --> 00:29:43,960 went indoors, and there she was, waiting for me in the hall. In the hall 392 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:44,859 together? 393 00:29:44,860 --> 00:29:46,300 In the hall of the house. Oh. 394 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:52,900 Well, a nice time was that by all, and afterwards she gave me a round of... A 395 00:29:52,900 --> 00:29:53,900 round of applause? 396 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:58,840 A round of... A round of golf? No, a round of toast, a cup of tea. Oh. 397 00:30:00,460 --> 00:30:02,640 When I got home, I was very worried. Why, why? 398 00:30:02,860 --> 00:30:05,320 Well, I thought the wife had found out. I walked in. Do you know what she gave 399 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:06,139 me? What? 400 00:30:06,140 --> 00:30:08,800 The moment I walked in the door, she gave me a bunch of... A bunch of Pfizer, 401 00:30:08,860 --> 00:30:09,479 I'm afraid. 402 00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:10,580 No, a bunch of begonias. 403 00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:13,800 Thank 404 00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:25,080 you. 405 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:30,280 Tonight, as a slight change of policy, I'm going to tell a new joke. 406 00:30:32,390 --> 00:30:36,570 In fact, this joke is so new, I haven't even heard it myself yet. 407 00:30:37,470 --> 00:30:41,670 Which has been, because, well, it's been a very busy, somewhat distressing week 408 00:30:41,670 --> 00:30:42,670 at home this week. 409 00:30:43,330 --> 00:30:48,930 For a start, our own little boy was very upset over the news that the new train 410 00:30:48,930 --> 00:30:51,950 set we bought him for his birthday had been cancelled due to staff shortages. 411 00:30:53,290 --> 00:30:59,430 So by way of a reparation, on Monday afternoon, I said I'd mend 412 00:30:59,430 --> 00:31:01,650 his little dinky car. 413 00:31:02,140 --> 00:31:06,520 you know, a little bit unfortunate as it turned out because at one point the 414 00:31:06,520 --> 00:31:08,460 jack gave way and I was pinned to the carpet. 415 00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:15,200 So suddenly, suddenly, in rushed my wife. 416 00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:17,620 She said to me, she said to me, tiddles, she said. 417 00:31:18,940 --> 00:31:21,940 Tiddles, she said. She's got a shocking memory for faces. 418 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:25,200 Tiddles, she said. 419 00:31:25,380 --> 00:31:29,360 She said, in fact, she's got such a bad memory for faces, on three occasions 420 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,560 this week she put lipstick and eyeshadow on the milkman. 421 00:31:34,939 --> 00:31:37,340 Or at least that's what he told the judge. Anyway. 422 00:31:39,580 --> 00:31:40,580 Tiddles, she said. 423 00:31:40,820 --> 00:31:44,360 I've just had two nasty accidents, she said, in the car. Tiddles. 424 00:31:44,860 --> 00:31:48,540 She said, first I backed into a lamppost, then I knocked down a keep 425 00:31:48,700 --> 00:31:50,980 and then I ran right over Arthur Scargill. 426 00:31:52,140 --> 00:31:53,960 I said, just a minute, that's three accidents. 427 00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:55,860 She said, no, only two accidents. 428 00:32:05,260 --> 00:32:10,180 Thank you, Tories. Anyway, on to this joke, the one I haven't heard. Remember? 429 00:32:10,580 --> 00:32:11,760 I wonder what it came to me about. 430 00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:13,940 It's exciting, isn't it? 431 00:32:14,660 --> 00:32:15,660 Isn't it? 432 00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:19,760 Now, I do know that it all takes place on board a ship. 433 00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:23,180 The captain was a very strange piece of work. 434 00:32:23,380 --> 00:32:25,900 He had a very rough, old, wooden leg, you know. 435 00:32:26,260 --> 00:32:28,580 A habit of sitting down and blistering his barnacles. 436 00:32:29,820 --> 00:32:31,660 Mind you, he certainly knew... 437 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:36,780 He certainly knew how to throw a party. Good heavens. Food, drink, women, music. 438 00:32:37,180 --> 00:32:38,660 You hardly noticed that we're missing. 439 00:32:42,440 --> 00:32:46,720 Although on the last party he threw, I'll be honest, things did get a bit out 440 00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:48,800 hand. I remember I was sitting in the corner. 441 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:51,040 We were well into injury time. 442 00:32:51,260 --> 00:32:55,840 I was sitting there, still feeling rather groggy after sampling the crow's 443 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:56,840 soup. 444 00:32:57,620 --> 00:33:00,660 It was quite obvious that the captain had had one or two. 445 00:33:01,450 --> 00:33:02,570 I blame the drink myself. 446 00:33:04,070 --> 00:33:08,690 Most of the crew were in a somewhat amphibious condition, singing songs like 447 00:33:08,690 --> 00:33:10,210 in the mood for love and it's impossible. 448 00:33:13,550 --> 00:33:18,810 When all at once one of the lady passengers leapt up onto the table and 449 00:33:18,810 --> 00:33:23,650 our very eyes proceeded to put away half a pint of lager, got half drunk, took 450 00:33:23,650 --> 00:33:28,410 half of her clothes off, then attempted, half attempted really, to sing half of 451 00:33:28,410 --> 00:33:29,410 a dirty rugby song. 452 00:33:30,139 --> 00:33:32,080 ended up making a complete monocle of herself. 453 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:38,340 It takes a little while, that one, doesn't it? 454 00:33:40,700 --> 00:33:44,860 Disgusting behaviour for a woman of 30, I thought. I was so shocked, I almost 455 00:33:44,860 --> 00:33:45,860 dropped my Polaroid camera. 456 00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,840 Which, by strange coincidence, has nothing whatsoever to do with the joke, 457 00:33:50,900 --> 00:33:55,360 which, as I say, takes place on board this American naval destroyer. 458 00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:59,060 Where there's an urgent message that's just come through on the radio to say 459 00:33:59,060 --> 00:34:01,820 that the father of sub -lieutenant Hiram J. 460 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:04,780 Hennessy has just passed away. 461 00:34:05,100 --> 00:34:09,560 Everybody went quiet with that name. Has just passed away at his home in 462 00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:13,080 Seattle. And the rear admiral calls the captain and he says, you're Hennessy's 463 00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,739 immediate commanding officer. I think you should be the one to tell him. 464 00:34:17,300 --> 00:34:19,340 So the captain, it's rather good that way. 465 00:34:20,580 --> 00:34:21,659 So the captain. 466 00:34:22,380 --> 00:34:26,159 The captain radios through to Hennessy, who is down at the engine room, as 467 00:34:26,159 --> 00:34:28,860 delicately as he can. He says, as delicately as he can, he breaks the 468 00:34:28,860 --> 00:34:32,580 news. He said, Hennessy, your old man has snuffed it over and out. 469 00:34:34,080 --> 00:34:36,719 Well, the rear admiral overhearing this is disgusted. 470 00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:38,840 I am disgusted, he said. 471 00:34:40,380 --> 00:34:41,880 There you are. What did I tell you? I told you. 472 00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:46,080 He said, that was the most heartless thing I have ever witnessed. 473 00:34:46,300 --> 00:34:50,219 When you're telling someone like that something of great urgency, you have to 474 00:34:50,219 --> 00:34:50,998 it gently. 475 00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:52,000 Use the personal touch. 476 00:34:52,100 --> 00:34:55,400 Soften the blow for the poor fellow. So as luck would have it, or chance, a day 477 00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:58,440 later, another message comes through, this time for petty officer 478 00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:03,360 Schultzenheimer, to say that his mother has just passed away. 479 00:35:04,340 --> 00:35:07,300 Actually, she was so upset by the death of R .M .G. Energy's father. 480 00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:11,080 She decided life wasn't worth living anymore. 481 00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:14,880 Once again, it falls to the captain to break the news. So remembering what he'd 482 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:18,320 been told, he decides to try a different approach. Instead of going straight to 483 00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:22,980 Schultzenheimer, he puts out a special order that at 1800 hours for all the men 484 00:35:22,980 --> 00:35:26,780 to assemble on deck. And when they're all there lined up in front of him, he 485 00:35:26,780 --> 00:35:28,080 calls for silence. He says, right. 486 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,760 He said, all those with mothers step forward. 487 00:35:31,980 --> 00:35:33,660 Not so fast, Schultzenheimer. 488 00:36:45,100 --> 00:36:48,280 I got the loot. I got the gat. I got the outfit. 489 00:36:48,660 --> 00:36:51,760 I got the stout fit. Every well -dressed gangster wears. 490 00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:53,200 They call me Al. 491 00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:58,860 They call me Spatz. But if a pal, she call me Pats. He'll get the packet, the 492 00:36:58,860 --> 00:36:59,859 wooden jacket. 493 00:36:59,860 --> 00:37:01,800 Every well -dressed gangster wears. 494 00:37:02,340 --> 00:37:04,680 We're just your friendly neighborhood. 495 00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:06,520 So the big shots disagree. 496 00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:11,800 We rule the block with a big knock -knock and a little rat -a -tat from me. 497 00:37:12,140 --> 00:37:13,140 We got the boots. 498 00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:14,320 We got the jets. 499 00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:19,520 There's Al Capone in Alcatraz. He's in the plane kit, the ball and chain kit, 500 00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:21,740 every well -dressed gangster wears. 501 00:37:22,660 --> 00:37:28,580 If you want someone bumped, if you want a fella dumped and dumped, if you want 502 00:37:28,580 --> 00:37:31,500 your grandma thumped, fat son of a guy. 503 00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:37,320 If you've got nagging wives, Interflora can improve their lives. 504 00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:41,360 But who sends a bunch of fives? Fat son of a guy. 505 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,980 When a guy's got a beef at the butcher. 506 00:37:44,560 --> 00:37:49,000 Or the bills that the dentist has billed. Then we give a chop to the 507 00:37:49,240 --> 00:37:51,360 And the dentist is gonna get filled. 508 00:37:52,380 --> 00:37:54,400 If you desire a gent. 509 00:37:54,860 --> 00:37:56,980 And a little journey should be sent. 510 00:37:57,680 --> 00:37:59,440 Get wrapped in fresh cement. 511 00:37:59,920 --> 00:38:01,220 That's another guy. 512 00:38:05,180 --> 00:38:07,420 Yes, we're in the gambling racket. 513 00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:09,700 And we play the fruit machine. 514 00:38:10,100 --> 00:38:14,820 Oh, the jackpot comes when you get three plums, but we just get tangerines. 515 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:21,020 Yes, we're in the numbers racket, and the quick returns are nice. 516 00:38:21,540 --> 00:38:26,240 It's ten on three with Wang Haile, but all we get is two flied lice. 517 00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:30,700 If you want a little first -rate brandy, Napoleon is A -OK. 518 00:38:31,380 --> 00:38:35,780 But if you want to pick a bootleg liquor, the Wellington has got bouquet. 519 00:38:36,760 --> 00:38:40,840 Yes, we're in the moonshine racket, and we brew the bathtub gin. 520 00:38:41,100 --> 00:38:45,320 But it rots the chrome when it starts to foam, because the lifebuoy's so 521 00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:46,320 filling, you know. 522 00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:55,160 Midnight through to afternoon, we play blackjack and pontoon. Playing alcafoni 523 00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:58,100 when the lolly isn't phony, then you really got a twist off us. 524 00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:03,500 If you want to make a buck, can't afford to dress to luck. 525 00:39:03,820 --> 00:39:08,020 So I have a dozen aces in some funny little places. You really got a grist or 526 00:39:08,020 --> 00:39:12,800 bust? I'm playing poker with some big joker with every hand he scores. 527 00:39:13,820 --> 00:39:18,500 This vigilante says, up the ante, and I reply, oh, no, up yours. 528 00:39:18,900 --> 00:39:21,060 You lose a name of past. 529 00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,460 She was sweet, but she was flat. 530 00:39:23,860 --> 00:39:27,060 Patty's looking better with a cushion up her sweater. Now, you really got a 531 00:39:27,060 --> 00:39:29,040 grist or a bust? 532 00:39:33,520 --> 00:39:38,780 When the gunman meets a piece of sky, then the guy used to do the dirt, shoots 533 00:39:38,780 --> 00:39:42,800 the cups upon his Sunday shirt, cause it's Valentine's Day today. 534 00:39:43,420 --> 00:39:48,300 When a guy in Sing Sing starts to smile cause he's got a cake that's full of 535 00:39:48,300 --> 00:39:52,720 fire, then he'll soon be shooting down the aisle, cause it's Valentine's Day 536 00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:58,000 today. When the fellas in Chicago took a beating, Al Capone had a party for the 537 00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:00,620 lot, he took a load of whiskey to the meeting. 538 00:40:03,630 --> 00:40:08,730 As they lined up in the back street yards, Al Capone winked at all his 539 00:40:08,870 --> 00:40:12,970 And each time, boys, they got their cards. On Valentine's Day today. 540 00:40:35,630 --> 00:40:36,910 Hey there, cutie. 541 00:40:37,130 --> 00:40:38,190 You're amazing. 542 00:40:38,530 --> 00:40:39,530 You're a beauty. 543 00:40:39,570 --> 00:40:42,390 You're a big success. You're a real princess. 544 00:40:42,650 --> 00:40:44,050 You're the valentine girl. 545 00:41:42,890 --> 00:41:44,130 or small or sassy. 546 00:41:44,370 --> 00:41:48,510 Though you're five foot one, though you're half a ton, you're about time to 547 00:41:48,510 --> 00:41:49,510 for me. 548 00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:17,520 Well, that's about all we have time for tonight, but before we go, a few late 549 00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:18,479 items of news. 550 00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:22,660 There was good news today for Inigo Limpet of Gay Lib when he qualified as a 551 00:42:22,660 --> 00:42:25,040 doctor. He aims to be a queer nose and throat specialist. 552 00:42:29,700 --> 00:42:35,740 Latest on the bullion robbery, at Wandsworth Police Station, a man who's 553 00:42:35,740 --> 00:42:39,560 as a post and doesn't speak English, with a terrible stutter, bad breath and 554 00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:43,300 squeaky shoes, is not helping the police with their inquiries. One little bit. 555 00:42:45,830 --> 00:42:49,790 Finally, Royston Kildare, the Dewsbury man who wants various parts of his body 556 00:42:49,790 --> 00:42:53,750 to be used in transplant operations, was out practising this morning. He offered 557 00:42:53,750 --> 00:42:54,890 his seat to a woman on the bus. 558 00:42:57,090 --> 00:43:00,970 Next week, we'll be meeting the man who only three months ago went into business 559 00:43:00,970 --> 00:43:05,670 making miniaturised pocket calculators. And things are already going so well 560 00:43:05,670 --> 00:43:07,110 that he's looking for smaller premises. 561 00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:14,600 having a word with the secretary who made love to her boss on a Sunday and 562 00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:15,980 him the time and a half of his life. 563 00:43:17,940 --> 00:43:20,500 Until then, it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight. 47097

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.