All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s07e07

Good evening. It's wonderful to be with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, indeed

it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be bringing you

natural history film of Irish swallows
flying north for the winter.

After which we'll be entertained by
Elasto, the India rubber man, who caught

himself in the door at White City tube
station this evening and has gone to

extraordinary lengths to get here.

But first... The news.

At the old Bailey trial today, Slasher
Nobbs provided a very long profile,

signed by 3 ,000 people, written on a
toilet roll.

The prosecution described it as a tissue
of lies.

Harold Trott, the man who last week
drove his car through the window of a

Folkestone leather craft shop, was fined
£20 today and had his licence embossed.

An extraordinary general meeting of
equity, the actors' union was today

by 300 fully paid -up members and 450
fully made -up members.

The post office has announced that last
year they received over 5 million

complaints by letter and phone and as a
result made a large profit.

Ireland's worst drought this century,
now in its 13th month, Ballymena

Council... I'd missed that one myself.

Ballymena Council announced tonight that
there'll be a rain -making ceremony in

the Municipal Park on Tuesday, or if
wet, in the Town Hall.

Finally, good news for North London
motorists. congestion on the North

Road is to be eased by the construction
of the Golders Green Passover.

But now a sketch featuring Mr. Ronnie
Corbett, whose dog got into the larder

this morning, ate the alphabet soup, and
then left little messages everywhere.

I can wait here, Mr.

Waterton. I'll call you when the time
passes.

Oh, thank you very much. I'm sorry I'm a
few minutes early.

Well, an hour and 20 minutes, to be
precise, but I missed my train. I caught

earlier one.

Well, are there going to be a lot of...
I mean, how many people will you be...

Are you interviewing a lot of people?
No, I don't suppose you are, are you?

yes, we are. Oh.

Actually.

Astray, actually.

Astray. Sorry?

Astray. Astray. Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry, Ashby. Sorry, Ashby. And I go
apologising to the furniture.

I do talk to furniture now and again,
but it doesn't affect my work in any

No, sir.

No, right.

Thank you. Thank you.

be without mine.

Sorry.

I say, you don't think these shoes clash
with the frock, do they? No, I thought

they'd go rather well together.

Yes. Born to look my best, you know.

This damn bombazine picks up every mark,
you know.

Bit of Welsh rabbit on there, look at
that.

Those dodgy points when we went through
Redhill. Damn good breakfast you get on

that train there.

Must, sir.

You know, I'm absolutely up a gum tree
here.

Look at this. Two syllables.

There are hmm -hmms at the bottom of our
garden.

Begins with F.

Ferrets? Feathers? Something like that?
What? Feathers or ferrets? No, no, no.

Rhymes with Mary's.

Oh.

No, there isn't any... What's wrong with
fairies? Well, nothing, nothing.

I've got nothing against them at all.

I mean, I think you're jolly splendid
chaps, all of you.

to do and with whom? I mean, honestly,
or vice versa.

What are you talking about?

You're talking about the dress, aren't
you? I think you gay -libbed chaps are

jolly brave sticking to your guns the
way you do. Listen, it's you chaps who

brave who turn up to these interviews in
shirts and collars and ties and

jackets. Don't you know it's old Garnet
Hammond?

Sir Garnet Hammond is doing the
interviewing this morning.

A chap called Crabtree came in last week
for an interview, dressed like you. He

begged that Sir Garnet hit the roof.

Oh, absolutely.

Nothing wrong with him, mind you. Don't
get me wrong. I'm not saying a word

against him. Straight as a die.

Lovely wife.

Seven beautiful daughters. The trouble
is, you see, with interviews, he has

thing about he must have a frock.
Everyone must wear a frock. He was just

same in Tobruk.

Well, nobody told me. No, it's a great
final, wasn't it? Great final. You don't

think I came here like this, dressed
like this for my health, do you?

I had to come past the Royal College of
Hairdressers on my way here.

Oh, it was absolute murder.

I've got a rose in my buttonhole. You
want it in your teeth, old man. That's

where you want your rose. In your teeth.

I mean, it's perfectly simple. Either
you dress according, or you just say

goodbye to 15 ,000 pounds, the key to
the executive toilet, and all the

vouchers you can eat.

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.
I've got a few items here.

I don't know whether they're any good.

I always carry a few spares, you know.

They're not much, but they're the end of
the poke in the eye with a burn stick,

aren't they?

Well,

it's very, very kind of you, but I
mean...

Well, I haven't done this since... Since
where?

Well, since school, really. Yes, I was
the best Juliet they'd had, you know.

Well, since Christopher Lee, that was.

No, no, I'll try that.

Oh, that's fair.

There we are. Yes, there. There we are.

Well, of course, don't let me force you
into this, old chap. I mean, it's no

skin off my nose. Oh, no, no, I'm very
grateful, honestly.

Are you? Man to man, really. Right.

How do I look? Oh, lovely, wonderful.

Keep your knees together, no one will
ever notice.

I'm rather nervous myself, you know. I
think I'll just go and pay a call.

It's damn difficult in this dress, I can
tell you.

Now then, Mr.

Waterton, are you ready?

Yes. Oh, sorry, just a tick.

You're quite sure you're ready? Yes,
absolutely. Oh, sorry.

Next, please, come along.

Good luck, Mr. Waterton. Thank you.

Oh, dear.

Mr. Waterton.

Oh, Mr.

Heskett. Yes.

I'm after Waterton. Not that I think
you've been there very long.

He seems to be under the impression that
Sir Garnet Hammond likes people in

dresses. Oh, no, it's not Sir Garnet
today. It's the new chairman, Rear

Fortescue Drake.

sidewater than like the cut of your
chin.

Who's this damn pervert? Throw him out
for God's sake.

Greetings all strength to your bundlings
and may your furgling be ever fruitful.

here before you brandishing my regalia.

Well, the BBC have allowed me tonight to
speak in favour of my cause, which is

home rule for right slip.

I happen to be high wizard.

My name is MacDonald and I am the chief
burger.

Now, free right slip extends from the
running waters of Slashby -de -la -Zooch

here in the west all the way across to
the better part of Stonebridge Park.

Now, it's bordered on the north by
Pinner -on -the -Hill, originally called

Pinner's -the -Wall, and...

by Hatch End, formerly known as Drake's
Bottom.

Just like Cornwall and Wales, we want
independence, and it is our declared aim

next year to welcome His Royal Highness
Prince Andrew, or failing that, Roddy

Llewellyn, to our ancient land, there to
be invested

Lord High Regent of Ryslip by his
sublime effluence, the Archgrove of

Failing that, we shall have Esther
Ransom, because her initials are already

the pillar boxes.

Now, my first duty as Chief Burger of
Reislip will be to sound the two frugal

horns which summon Parliament or Long
Thing.

Now, with this one... With

this one, you get the attention of all
three men

and quite a few dachshunds.

While with this one... You usually

get a rupture.

The long thing will establish the
frontiers of Rightflip. However, if

come asking for any sort of political
asylum, we shall, of course, continue to

direct them to the House of Commons.

We also intend to bring in a new
currency law. Now, as soon as you reach

frontier, you will have to change all
your pounds into yurks.

Now, there is a yurk.

There are 47 of these to the pound and
16 to the poppadom.

But the rate is very irregular due to
the failure of the cenopod harvest.

How do we justify our stance, apart from
blaming the failure of the Cinnapot

Harvest? Well, for 1 ,500 years, this
priceless document aligned the floor

of the cow shed at Frolic's Frickenham.

It shows how Rightlip's history began
with one Sveen Foulbreath.

who came on a single -handed Viking raid
in 1735, or 735, as I should say, and

fell violently in love with the
beauteous nymphomaniac Lady Agnes

Who, when her lover said pass, always
replied, I've started, so I'll finish.

Here, you see, here their only son,
Dagobah the Pointless, who, while

with the galliard with his page, Poofkin
Lafay, trod on the foot of his Jester

Rumpo, who beat him to death with a
cabbage on a stick, and declared himself

King Rumpo I.

Now, this genuine old nap cure is proof
of Reislip's royal history. Up here, the

famous humpbacked mountebank, quirk in
drawback, discovered a wart cure,

consisting of a hard -boiled egg and the
nastier bits of a badger, and with it

cured the widow Rickman's wart, you see.

Yes, and to this day, the place is still
called Watford.

This beautiful contraption here is a
very chastity belt worn by Lady Humphrey

Gerard. Now, you see, we know it's a
chastity belt because it has chas on the

back and the rest of the word on the
front.

Curiously enough, she had 17 children
while her husband was away on crusades.

Well, when he returned, of course, she
fled with the awful cry, Gerard's cross.

In fact, I've often wondered how she
managed to have 17 children. I've never

seen these things work before.

Oh.

Oh.

The hills are alive with the sound of
music. I bet they were.

Over here, over here and round here and
under there, the seventh king of Ryslip,

Osbert the Oversized, collected a
thousand maidens for his harem and

named it the Hanging Gardens of
Basildon.

But over here...

is the actual shield of Osbert the
Oversized. On the left is a goose

a field of long grass, and over here,
the back half of a coypew, as he was a

of a rat on the side.

The harem was taken over by his son, who
became King Osbert the Overworked, and

eventually, by his very small brother,
Osbert the Overlooked.

Here, too, are the sacred remains of St.
Knott's Winder of Rayner's Lane,

miraculously preserved by a process
known only to three traffic monks and

makers of British Rail Meat Pies.

In this box is one of his ears, and in
this box is two of his ears.

Here, here, here. Well, then.

Well, there we have ample proof of
Rightlip's royal past. Now, I would like

finish with the words of the Rightlip
National Anthem, honoring as it does the

very first monarch, King Rumpo I.

There'll always be a Rightlip while
there's a subway train.

Whenever... there are two yellow lines
beside a blocked -up grave.

The deer will all be cheap lads. The
women will be free if right slip means

much to you as rumpo means to me.

Candy, I call my sugar candy.

Because I'm sweet on candy.

And candy's sweet on me.

She understands me.

When I need sympathy You

wish that they were

forever

Just standing the day I take my game.

So you finally got here.

Told you I'd get here, didn't I?

Yeah, a lot of guys say that.

Don't always come.

You're scared of Mr.

Villanetti, see?

I ain't scared of Mr. Villanetti.

Everybody's scared of Mr. Villanetti,
creep.

I ain't scared of him. I ain't scared of
him. Yeah? That's what me thought.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, maybe you're going to get the
opportunity.

He's waiting for you right behind the
door.

Looks like he's going to fill you full
of lead this time, Joey.

I don't care what he does to me. I ain't
scared of him.

Everybody's scared of him.

I ain't scared of him. You don't scare
me.

Hey, Joe.

So you got here.

Good.

Hi there, Mr. Belletti. I came like you
wanted.

Good. Good.

You ain't scared of me, are you, Joe?

No, I ain't scared of you, Mr.
Villanetti.

Only I've been thinking, maybe I gotta
fill you this time, Joe.

You don't have to fill me, Mr.
Villanetti. I ain't scared of you. I

Good, good.

Come on, step into my room here a
moment.

You don't have to fill me, Mr.
Villanetti.

I ain't gonna hurt a bit.

Mon chéri, ça fait trop un jour que tu n
'es pas là.

Je te veux.

Je te désire passionnément. De tout mon
cœur.

Merci.

Mais où est ton mari?

Il est parti pour toute la journée.

Heureusement.

Ah, c 'est bien.

Est -ce que je ne veux pas que cet
énorme port nous surprenne?

Monsieur, mon amour, m 'aimes -tu
vraiment?

Sure que je t 'aime avec chaque partie
de mon être.

Do so.

Pardonnez -moi.

Pardonnez, pardonnez.

Si jamais je t 'attrape encore avec ma
femme, je te promets de t 'étrangler de

mes propres mains, tu comprends? Je ne
veux plus jamais voir ton visage.

Thank you.

But if I do, it will surely change.

Thank you.

Dankeschön. Jawohl.

Now, tonight, by the way, how many of
you noticed that just then? I slipped in

little bit of German there.

No, I didn't do that just to impress
you. I was actually for the benefit of

new au pair girl who started doing a bit
of work for us this weekend at home.

She's just come over. It's true. She's
just come over to learn the language,

she's doing very well. This morning she
said to me, I hope you'll be forgiving

me my extremely bad language, but I'm
afraid my grandma still needs touching

Fascinating. She's fascinating to listen
to. Now, anyway, on Tuesday, I'll tell

you. On Tuesday last week, I decided to
have an early night.

And I was sitting in bed with the Radio
Times, browsing through the adverts, you

know, for ex -Ren naval officers, WX
bloomers.

And admiring a photo of Patrick Moore
and wondering what it must be like to

your suit on with a shovel.

When suddenly...

au pair girl entered she didn't walk in
she glided into the room my own fault

really silly place to leave the
skateboard then all at once she sat on

she put her arm round me I said how dare
you I am a man of integrity I am

happily married and I am British I said
I must warn you if you are not out of

this bedroom by half past seven tomorrow
morning whereupon she left now

tonight's story

Tonight's story was actually handed down
to me by my dear old grandfather the

other night as he was clearing out our
attic.

I suppose, really, I should have gone up
myself, but with my height, climbing a

ladder can be a bit of an ordeal.

I mean, the last time I pitched camp for
the night on the fourth rung, I ran out

of supplies.

Now, besides which, my grandfather, in
spite of his age, is a remarkably fit

man. 92, and still doing all the things
he was doing when he was 21.

You know, you can imagine my shock the
other night when I peeped through the

crack in his bedroom door and I saw two
sets of false teeth in his glass.

The next day he was walking around with
another notch in his walking stick.

Anyway, this joke was

contained in an old scrapbook he came
across in the attic.

It was a scrapbook, actually, of all the
ecstatic, rave reviews of my past

performances. I let go of it at one
point and it nearly floated out the

Looking through it brought back lots of
happy memories because I had some very

strange jobs back in the old days.

I joined a travelling sideshow with the
fattest man in the world.

A bit tragic, actually. His tummy came
right out to here.

In the end, he died of curiosity.

Now, I must get on with this joke,
because let's be honest, I'm feeling a

bit groggy tonight. I had a tooth out
earlier on in the week. It started

on Wednesday night as I was watching the
late -night film, you know, about Ivan

the Terrible, and his wife, Blodgrim,
the extremely disappointed.

It was still plaguing me this morning at
rehearsal, so I thought, it's no use,

I'll have to have it out. So I went
along to the BBC emergency dental

there. No appointment necessary. You
just go up to one of the scene boys and

tell him to get a move on, and that's
the end of it.

So, on with the joke, which concerns
these two rugby players who are both

spending the summer holidays at
Scarborough for a bit.

And one day...

One day, for a bit of a thrill, they
decide to go to the local fairground.

they get there, one of the rugby players
turns to the other one. He said,

Rodney, he said.

Rodney Love.

Actually, when I say there were rugby
players, that was a bit of an

exaggeration. There weren't. Really
rugby players. I just put that in to try

win back a few of the Welsh viewers who
switched off after the line about Ivan

the Terrible. Anyway.

He said, Rodney, dear heart. He said,
Rodney.

He said, how do you fancy a go on the
Big Dipper? And the other one said,

not a Big Dipper. He said, because he
happened to speak exactly the same as

friend, the Strapsey. He said, that's
not a Big Dipper. He said, that's a

wheel. Anyway, he said, much more of
this and I can wave goodbye to my free

seats for the generation game. Anyway,
he said.

He said,

you can go.

But it looks far too dangerous for me.

So off he goes, and, oh, sorry, I nearly
got stuck there. Off he goes.

Off the first one goes on his own to one
of those big, huge fairground wheels.

He pays his money, and the wheel slowly
starts spinning round. As it goes, it

gets faster and faster until suddenly
the chap loses his grip completely and

he's thrown right off the wheel into the
air and lands on the ground below.

Walks straight away. Everybody rushes
round him, and his friend who's been

watching is in horror, pushing his way
through the crowd, comes across this

prostrate body lying there. He says,
Terry, Terry.

He said, are you hurt?

The friend lifted himself on one elbow
and said, well, of course I'm hurt,

James. I went round three times, you
never waved once.

You will find we're noted for our
fabulous physique

We do our best to keep performance at a
peak.

To tone me up and keep me bright, I like
a workout twice a night. And as for me,

I get it once a week.

If you work you up and give you zest,
you'll find that exercise is best. It

really puts hairs on my uncle's chest.
And it did the same for your auntie. To

help our uncle beauty grow, we'll bend
our back and touch our toes. It's

certainly giving your cheeks a glow. And
my face is rosier too.

Working with the dumbbells. Ladies,
please beware.

Many a thing can befall you when you
wave them in.

But not if you just get a rather large
butt and an arm like a

chimpanzee.

Colonel Chumley watching us put the
shot.

Send.

I thought he might pop the question, but
instead he made a

suggestion. So I mentioned with grace an
alternative place that Colonel

could put the shot.

I once knew a fellow with muscles who'd
lift the best part of a

tongue. He was picking up weights for a
living.

petition, he attempted to pick up a bus.

There were tears in his eyes as he took
first prize seven quid and a second

hand truss.

Working with skittles you need the knack
to practice for a spell.

Elizabeth got in the Indian club because
of a Mr. Patel.

And often the skittles as well.

People ask us for advice.

How to keep the figure nice. And we've
got a splendid scheme to help you slim.

You can shed that surplus fat. Just get
flat upon the mat.

And have an hour or two of good old Jim.

Jim, Jim, Jim will give you gusto.

Jim, Jim, Jim will make you kick.

And the minutes as they fly will put a
twinkle in your eye. When an hour or two

of Jim has done the trick.

I'm on a diet. I'd rather be having a
fit on the quiet. I'm trying to diet.

I'm dying to try it. It's impossible
this afternoon.

My cheeks are like apples. I'm rather a
cutie. My spring like a peach and my

pear is a beauty.

I'm rich and I'm ripe and remarkably
fruity. You're either a plum or a prune.

What can the matter be? Fellas don't
follow me, chat up or flatter me. I'm

a gal with a fatter anatomy since I've
been having me chips.

I'm fond of potatoes, I'm terribly
naughty.

Me nighties are widey instead of a
shorty. I'm flirty and 30.

I thought you were 40. That's only my
bust and my hips.

We once had a thing about Rosemary
Clooney whose finger was slender in

a loony in places that made us feel
teeny and puny. We really could do with

notion or two. I found a solution while
I was out shopping and added some

padding to pop in my coffee. Now I'm
Miss Pop and I'm Miss Wapping and if

ashamed, you know what to do. Out the
white legs astride when we leave the

class. That's the way the jolly old
drill gets done.

Never mind the weather.

Never mind the weather.

You can't keep your knees, knees
together.

Arms are wide, legs are shy, bouncing on
the grass.

That's the way we often have lots of
fun.

And that's the form of a backflip. We
can make it back to backflip.

Hooray, hooray, we're doing it in the
sun.

Well, that's all we have about time for
tonight. Here are a few items of late

news.

Tonight's big theatrical award, most
promising actress of the year, went to

Deirdre Wallop.

However, she was disqualified after it
was discovered that she'd promised

everybody on the jury.

And a man who thinks he's an American
town was getting worse last night in the

London Clinic. He has now worked himself
up into a state.

There was a huge and colourful firework
display at Buckingham Palace tonight

after Princess Anne stubbed her toe.

Next week we'll be talking to an
impoverished ex -member of the KGB,

Gollum, who's trying to make ends meet
by taking in brainwashing.

And we'll meet the embarrassed Scotsman
who muddled up a bag of flour and a bag

of starch.

and finished up with a very stiff haggis
and a self -raising kilt.

Until then, it's good night from me.
It's good night from him.