All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s07e06

Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Indeed

it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, the treasurer of the Paris Gay

Swap Shop will be here to tell us what
you can get for ten francs, six Alberts,

three Johns and a Thomas.

And Roy Gutcrusher Hotchkiss will be
here to give a demonstration of solo

wrestling, provided he can get a grip on
himself.

We'll also be interviewing the Prime
Minister of Israel, Mr Beguine, and he

be telling us how he first married Mrs
Beguine and began the Beguines.

But first, the news.

In Sopforth today, the funeral of
Britain's most successful door -to -door

salesman was called off because every
time they tried to close the lid of the

coffin, he jammed his foot in it.

And the wife of a man who never learned
the difference between a brazier and a

brazier was granted a divorce today on
two counts.

First... No, that's not the joke.
First...

First, because when she wanted underwear
for Christmas, he gave her two big

rusty tins with holes in.

And secondly, because of the way he kept
trying to roast his chestnuts.

And in the west end of London last
night, the Water Rats and the cast of

Mousetrap got together for a cheese and
cheese party.

Miss Lulu Woblet, Britain's leading
topless tassel dancer, who had her left

tassel stolen, today applied to the
union to work as a single act.

Later, in a one -sided agreement, she
received permission to give the left a

rest as long as she joined the
Performing Rights Society.

Whilst in Britain on Tayside, a man who
took the advice of the Road Safety

Council to wear something white at night
went out dressed in a white suit, white

hat and white shoes and was run over by
a snowplough.

And now a sketch featuring the amazing
talents of Mr. Ronnie Corbett, a man who

always has to pick up whatever gets
dropped on the floor because he's the

it.

Lovely to see you. Lovely to see you.
Yes, awfully nice. Awfully nice

party. Thank you very much. Have a
little drink. Thank you.

Yes, it is. It's going to everywhere.

Yes. Just one teensy -weensy little
point before we started. I thought

you say anything, I thought you ought to
know that Gene is no longer with Toby.

Oh, Gene's no longer with Toby. Oh,
thank you. Thank you for telling me

Yes, right. And also, Henry is no longer
with Anthea. Oh, really? I didn't know

that. But isn't that Henry over there?

Yes, that's Henry, yes, yes, with
Anthea.

I thought you said he wasn't with
Anthea.

No, when I said he wasn't with Anthea, I
didn't mean, I meant he wasn't with

her. Oh, you mean he's with her, but
he's not with her. Oh, yes,

quite, yes.

Henry has, in fact, Henry has, in fact,
crept off with Cicely. Yes. Who is just

at the back there talking to Jim. Oh,
but Cicely was Lionel. Was. Oh, I didn't

know that either. Neither does Lionel.
Oh.

So, uh... Oh, yes, mum's the word.

Oh, and she knows longer with dad, by
the way. Oh, isn't she?

And just before you fling yourself into
the social maelstrom, I think you ought

to know, in all, in essence, that Janet
is with Dick.

Oh, but we all know that. We've all
known that for a long time. Oh, no, this

another Dick. This is Australian Dick.
Oh, she's got two Dicks.

Oh, no, no, no. The other Dick has gone
off with, you know...

To complete the happy picture, Warren is
no longer with Elspeth. Oh, really?

No, he's crept off with Percy.

Percy? Percy, Percy, mmm.

No, no, not Percy, mmm. That's a
surprise. Percy, claw.

Percy,

claw. Now I'm with you.

No, you're not with me. No, I'm not with
you.

I'm not confused. I now know who's who,
where's where, and what's what.

So I think I'll just go and enjoy the
party, if you don't mind. Unless you

any more little briefings for me, do
you? No, no, you go on, have a super

Thanks very much, it's always nice.

Hello, hello, it's always nice to see
you. Oh, hello.

Hello. Hello, Anne.

How nice to see you.

How's Toby?

How's, um, how's Henry, uh, in the sense
of, uh, of Jim?

Do you mean Sebastian? I do, yes, I do
mean Sebastian. Of course, they're so

like other Germans about him. We always
called him Toby, of course, because he'd

just come out of jug.

Oh, really,

George, for heaven's sake. Yes, I did
get slightly confused there, but it's

right, I've got it all now.

Anthea is with Sebastian, Cecily is with
Jim, and Janet is with a different

dick, and, uh, Mmm is with Cor.

Oh, no, no.

No? Mmm couldn't get Cor. on a month of
Sunday.

He's with Cor.

Who's who?

He's over there talking to, you know,
that tall chap who's with Barbara.

Oh, and who's Barbara with? She's with
Woolwich. What?

Yes, I know it's a party. I wonder if I
might join the party eventually, might

I? I mean, you know, I would like before
two o 'clock tomorrow morning to

actually go up to someone and say,
hello, hello, what do you do? I'm in

underwear or something equally
facetious.

Rather than bothering about clear and
hmm and core, you know, I really don't

give a damn who's with who and who's
what with what and who's doing what to

and how often and if not, why not?

Come across and meet Peter Standing.
Well, providing you don't tell me

about him, because I happen to know from
the inside source that he is still with

Stephanie. Wrong. I'm afraid you are
wrong. That is Kaputsville, Finitoville.

Oh, well, really? Well, I don't wish to
know anything about... I don't even know

what Peter Standing looks like. That is
Peter Standing over there. He's not

standing. He's sitting. See? Just by the
girl who's standing with Dick.

What do you mean, Dick? No, Dick Coyle.
Oh, all right, fine. Fine, fine.

Tally -ho, let's go into the... I tell a
lie. Peter Standing is no longer a

seating. He is standing. Yes, I can see.
I'm not an idiot. I saw him get up. I

saw him get up. He's no longer standing,
but he's still Peter Standing. And the

girl who was standing is now sitting.
But she's not withstanding, and the girl

over there is sitting down through it
all notwithstanding. It's simple.

No, it's not simple. Simple? Simple with
shingles.

Simple's with shingles? Oh, gee.

Shingles is a disease, my dear. Oh.

Ladies and gentlemen, excuse me. Would
you mind gathering round? I just have a

short announcement to make. I'm awfully
sorry, but I came to this party thinking

I was going to have a wonderful time,
but how wrong I was. How wrong I was,

see, because I failed. I'm stupid. I
didn't realize that Anthea wasn't with

and Gene was not with Standing, and
Standing was lying, and Janet's got two

dicks, and Staten is a disease.

See, I didn't realize that M is with
Paul instead of bleh, and who's also

and bleh.

My message to you all is bleh.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Manhattan
Transfer.

Information.

Information.

Try to tell.

trouble with my spleens. Yes, I know
most people only have one spleen. That

the trouble. Anyway, I had mine removed
by old Foskey, you know, best spleen man

in the home country. I was only in
hospital three days, two days

back at Amalgamated Collinus on the
Monday. Amazing, I must tell you about

sometimes. Well, how's that lovely lady
of yours? Oh, marvellous. So is Jessie,

yes, bursting with health now that she's
getting over that sad business of

finding. Did I tell you about the dog?
Oh, well, she went roaming in old faggot

wood, you know, and caught Dutch Elm
disease.

Case of Dutch Elm disease.

recording the Golden Retriever. It's
marvellous, isn't it? I must tell you

it sometime. How's that boy of yours?
What's his name again? Brenda.

Oh, yes. Still nuts on boxing as he's
splendid. That'll keep him out of

Mentor Sam's in thingamay -what? No,
he's a girl. Oh, glad to hear it. Yes,

young people making a girl thing. A
girl? Oh, good God, is he really well.

disgrace these days. You know, had it
done in Denmark.

Oh,

damn, expensive Denmark.

80p for a round of toast. How much do
you think a pencil sharpener costs in

Copenhagen? Guess. Wrong.

£1 .60.

I must tell you about this. Oh, it's
exciting to hear all your news, by the

How's that old uncle of yours? Dead. Oh,
is he really jolly good at his age?

Oh, stout ever. Still living in the same
house? No, we actually... Oh, so are

we. What's the point of moving? I mean,
you know, if you're happy, mind you, we

do envy you in your place. We often feel
like we've moved to a smaller house.

It's the Landry. Did I ever tell you
I've got eight acres?

Yes, you did. Oh, didn't I? Well, we
have, yes. Mind you, there's some damn

rough -shooting animals, mainly odd
bird, occasional hiker. Poor old...

Yeah, so do I. Big bore, not small bore.
I find big bore fascinating, and small

bore a big bore.

I suppose some people are big bore
people, and some are small bore people.

definitely big bore. Oh, yes.

Do you remember those upper -class
people we knew in Lower Hickmarsh? Or

lower -class people in Upper Hickmarsh?
Maybe they were middle -class people in

Middlesbrough. I can never remember.
Anyway, you know. I mean, Tom and Ethel,

was it Engelbert and Germain? Did you
ever see them, dear? No, I just sit at

home and stick rhubarb up my nose.

Oh, that's splendid. I'm glad to hear
that. Must look them up sometime. Look,

you're not listening to one word I am
saying.

It is, isn't it, really? Mind you, we
mustn't grumble. You had it very good

yourself. You had a wonderful autumn.
Well, I mustn't keep all your

conversations. See you later.

I say, don't bother with him. He's
absolute dead loss. You can't get a word

of him, mind you.

Can I come in, love? Yes, come in,
little dear.

Since as have you got that half pot of
paint that George borrowed? I mean, you

could keep it as far as I'm concerned,
but you know what he's like, don't you?

What's the matter, dear? Something
happened?

Is it something George has done, love?
Well, in a way, yes.

Oh, dear, what's he done, my dear?

He's died.

That was a bit sudden, wasn't it? Yes,
well, from the smile on his face, dear,

he doesn't know he's gone himself yet.

Well, where is he now, then, love?

Well, not up there, dear, if his
language is anything to go by. I mean

carcass. Oh, well, dear, I'll put that.
I'll put that somewhere surrounded by

the things he loved most dearly. Ah,
where's that?

In the shed.

It'll be all right up there, because you
know what the frost did to his

brussels.

Yes, dear, I've covered him all up with
sacking all night.

All right.

It's a pity, though, really, cos he'd
just started that job in all, you know,

night watchmen. Oh, yeah, what made him
take a job like that, love? Well, they'd

promised him a day off any time he
wanted it. Oh.

Sid could do with a job like that. How
did it happen, you know, him dying, I

mean? Well, I tell you what, they were
sitting by the fire last night. Yeah.

And he said to me, give me your hand,
Ede. I thought, not likely.

Oh, no, no, no. Well, there is a limit
in your own front room, isn't there?

Well, he said something very strange. He
said, he said, it's all... Getting

dark, he said. Oh, what time was that?
Nearly midnight.

Well,

he noticed his things, doesn't he? At
least he used to. He wasn't so much now,

of course.

And then he was gone.

Yeah. How did you know, though, that he
wasn't just asleep?

Well, he wasn't snoring, dear. I mean,
he always snores in sleep. Yeah.

And then just after that, he whispered
something in my ear. Oh, really? Was it

about his half -putt of paint?

No, I don't suppose it was.

Listen, I do think we're going to miss
him, though, aren't we? You and me both.

I mean, I used to love to see him
sitting in front of that guest over

Sunday morning, drying his socks on the
oven door.

No, Sunday dinner won't taste the same
without him.

Oh, he did have some funny ways, that
thing. Could be very naughty, you know.

Oh, well, all husbands are naughty
sometimes, aren't they? Thank God.

It was all I could do to hold him, you
know. Oh, really? I wouldn't have

he'd be in the hurry and come. you know,
at night at 18 Stone.

Well, he wasn't really, dear, but once
he was roused, you know, once he was

roused, I'd see that look in his eye
about Whitsuntide.

I'd think to myself, you're in for a
rough old Christmas, girl.

Oh, he was. I shall always remember him
just sitting in that corner, holding his

pipe. Yeah.

Bless him, he thought the world of that
pipe, you know. Oh, he did. Loved it,

didn't he? Yeah.

Where is it? What have you done with it?
I've flung it, dear. Stunk the place

out.

Of course, he was always tapping it out
anywhere, wasn't he? Oh, dear. Tea caddy

anywhere he'd tap it out, dear. Do you
like another cup?

No, I'm trying to give up smoking, love.

I left a little bottle in here somewhere
when I came in yesterday morning. Do

you remember? Oh, there it is. What is
it, then?

It's SIDS anti -snoring pills. I always
give them these to stop him snoring when

he's asleep, you see. Oh, my God, I
thought they were saccharins. They'll be

putting them in George's tea.

Do you suppose that's why he wasn't
snoring by the far side last night?

ask him yourself. He's just come out of
the shed covered in brussels.

They reckon it's going to get colder.

Yeah. Do you want to do something about
it? Well, I've got a couple of pair of

long johns on.

What good is that for dandruff?

No, it's to keep the cold out. A pair of
long johns is not going to help

dandruff, is it? Well, they would if
they wore him over the head, wouldn't

You think it's going to freeze tonight?

Yeah, it's freezing already, I think.

There's a big icicle formed on my gutter
already.

You're late. Where have you been?

I dropped off in the shed.

That's what'll happen to your icicle if
this weather keeps up and on.

Where do you reckon this cold's coming
from, then?

Well, round the corner, mostly, I think.

Where is it?

Where what is?

Siberia. Oh, no, Siberia's right the
other side, isn't it?

Siberia's right over Enfield direction,
isn't it?

It's coming from Alaska, this is.
Where's Alaska, then? Well, Alaska's the

way entirely, isn't it?

Alaska's much more... kind of Stanmore
direction, really.

Well, I reckon someone over in
Stanmore's left a fridge door open,

can tell you.

Good stars up there.

Lovely, isn't it?

Yeah. How many stars do you reckon's up
there?

109 ,750 ,301.

How are you in a position to know that?

Well, I can't. I'd have one night when I
had not much to do.

You don't count all that lot, not with a
naked eye. No, I used a calculator,

didn't I?

What's your favourite star?

George Day.

No.

Favourite star? Oh, up there at the
wall.

I'll tell you what, that one over there.
See that one through there?

Yeah, where's that? Just above the
washing line there. That's right, yeah.

that kinky brazier hanging up there?
Yeah.

Well, my favourite star, you can just
see it through the hole in the left cup.

Yeah. You know they're not really stars
at all, don't you? You know they're

holes in the sky, really. Yeah, well,
everything's got holes in there, don't

See these socks? They're brand new
socks, they are.

They've got both holes in.

Well, you ought to get a wife to sew
them up. No, that wouldn't do. Then I

couldn't get my feet in them, could I?

These stars are millions of years old,
you know that? Same as that joke, as a

matter of fact, you just cracked it.

Listen, what about these UFOs, then?

Do you reckon they come through these
holes in the sky? Is that where they

from? Well, that's why they're called
UFOs, isn't it, eh?

Up through holes.

Now, it's not easy, either, because the
sky's actually curved at the side. Yeah,

I know, yeah.

Everything's curved. I mean, things look
straight, don't they, but they're

actually all curved, aren't they? Yeah.
Why do you reckon that is, then? Well,

that's gravity pulling the ends down,
isn't it?

You see, if it wasn't for your braces...
Yeah?

Gravity would pull your trousers
straight down, wouldn't it?

You'd be standing there with your
trousers down, wouldn't you? Not really.

Yes, you would. No. Why not? I'm wearing
a belt.

about, you'll be standing there,
trousers down, looking very vulnerable,

wouldn't you? Not really. I've got the
long johns on back to front.

What's the war? Well, it's the wife's
idea, sort of security device, you know,

in case of temptation.

I bet someone will come up behind you.
Lucky for some.

Now, what I mean is...

We're living in a world of electronics
now with laser beams, aren't we? I mean,

you see that woman up there in that
window there just getting undressed?

she wanted to, she could beam down a
laser, couldn't she, and pull your

combinations straight down quicker than
a monkey nut, couldn't she?

We'd be all floating about in space with
nothing to do, wouldn't we, if it

wasn't for gravity? Yeah.

How big do you reckon space is there?

Whoa, I reckon it's, uh... Whoa!

I mean, it's got to be, hasn't it? It's
got to be at least, uh...

Well, it's at least very big.

What do you mean by that? I mean, what
do you mean, very big? I mean, do you

mean, like, as big as what?

Earl's Court and Albert Hall put
together, or what?

Well, no, that's going a bit far. No, I
wouldn't say big.

But, I mean, there's spaces and spaces,
isn't there? I mean, there's some spaces

are very little, isn't there?

Yeah, like the cupboard under the stairs
that time. Yeah, that's little, yeah.

You couldn't get Mars in the cupboard
under the stairs, could you?

Unless you took the vacuum cleaner out.

Comets appear at night, you know. Oh, I
like them. What channel are they on?

No, Celestial Body.

Oh, Celestial Body. Is it like that one
up there?

Where's that? Oh, yeah.

Yep. Oh, yeah. Lovely, isn't it?

Where is she then? Up there, look.

You'll see her when she takes her blouse
off.

She leans out the window any further,
it'll be a bit of an accident.

I think it will.

And it'll be happening to me, you know.

I'm landing after you, for goodness
sake.

I've got a goddess out of my own.

No, don't worry about the old mate.

That's not going to be dumped till
Thursday, Wick.

Oh, thank goodness I found you. I'm
absolutely desperate. My car

has run out of petrol.

Eh?

My car has run out of petrol.

Do you speak English at all?

Oh, English, English, si, si, si. Oh,
good. You understand?

Si, si, si, English, si.

Bobby Charlton.

Yes, Bobby Charlton.

Well, my car has run out of petrol up
the hill ten miles back with my wife and

children in it, and I walked all the way
down here to get the can of petrol to

go back up the hill again. I'm
wondering, can you give me a lift?

Bobby Charlton.

Yes, you understand.

Yes, Bobby Charlton, yes. Is that the
only English word you know, Bobby

Charlton? Yes.

Jackie Charlton.

Yes, well, anyway, let's start again. My
car, my car is ten miles

uphill, you see, and I have walked all
the way down here, and I can't go on

anymore. Or more.

You understand?

Yes, Bobby Moore.

Yes,

I know. Anyway, it's nothing to do with
that. My car, you see. My room. My

automobile.

Automobile. Yes, yes.

James Hunt.

My James Hunt is, you know, won't go
anymore.

It is stopped.

My James Hunt, he's stopped. He has no
power.

Oh, power.

Tyrone the power.

No, no, not Tyrone. No, forget that. No,
it is run out of... It is kaput, you

see. It is stopped. You know, Ford,
Chrysler, Vauxhall, kaput. Oh, si.

Ford, Chrysler, Vauxhall, kaput. Si, si.

Anyway, it is stuck up there, you see,
with my wife and children. My wife and

children, husband, wife, my...

I, the husband, what, Pearl Carr, Teddy
Johnson, you know who I am?

Prince Philip, Queen Elizabeth.

I am, imagine, I am Prince Philip. Ah,
Prince Philip, yes, yes, yes.

Queen Elizabeth.

Oh, viva Queen Elizabeth.

She is, yes, she is up there with the
two children, Prince Charles, Princess

Anne, you see.

That is right. And the car is... Because
the car... The car needs petrol.

It needs food for the car.

Food for the... Food! Fish and chips!

Fish and chips!

Majorca, majorca, fish and chips. That's
right.

Only, I cannot pay you for the fish and
chips because I have no money, you see.

I am broke. I am Dennis Healy. Oh,
Dennis Healy. Dennis Healy. Silly Billy.

pay you when the shops open and all the,
when the banks are open, you are, the

banks, oh, banks. Hey, Gordon Banks,
hey.

Pilly, Pilly.

Yes. Anyway, to summarise, I want you to
take your James Hunt and vroom, vroom

up the hill to put fish and chips.

In my Chrysler Ford, that's all.

You see, bring down Queen Elizabeth,
Queen Mother, Prince Charles, and bring

them down, and I'll pay you tomorrow
when I am no longer Dennis Healy. I'll

you for the fish and chips, you see. If
you do that, it will be jolly Bobby

Charlton of you. You understand?

You understand?

I will not, I will, I will not be able
to pay you until the money.

You understand?

What do you say?

Harvey Schmidt.

You'll have to excuse me tonight if I
seem a little bit excited, but I can't

keep it a secret any longer. Just before
I came on earlier this evening, I

received a rather urgent phone call from
a lady I once used to go out with.

My wife.

No, that's not true. That's not true. I
wouldn't say anything. My wife and I

have a very strict rule that has kept
our relationship very sound.

We go out for a candlelit dinner twice a
week.

She goes on Tuesday and I go on
Thursday.

I had this phone call from her saying
that I just landed the title role in a

fantastic brand -new American TV series,
The Bionic Midget.

It's very exciting. I play what's left
of the $6 million man after tax.

So it's quite fascinating, really. It's
going to be like an automated version of

James Bond with lips powered by Ever
Ready and a nose that runs on batteries.

As I say, I'm very excited. I just hope
I can get through the story tonight, you

know, which I can tell you, be honest
with you, I got from my very good

Jimmy Tarbuck, who is something of a
connoisseur of good jokes. You know, he

leaves them to mature for years in his
cellar before he uses them.

This particular one, which he kindly
sent me, is rather interesting.

It's a 1953 Chateau Bernard Manning.

Full -bodied, but with very little
taste.

By the way, talking of very little
taste, no mention tonight of our

because it hasn't been an easy week for
him here. It hasn't been an easy week

here at the BBC, to be honest, with the
continued threat of cutbacks and staff

leaving all over the place.

Only the other day, the BBC's
meteorological department ground to a

standstill following the shock
resignation of the man who licks his

sticks it out of the window.

Claimed he wasn't getting enough job
satisfaction and apparently he's been

offered a much more rewarding position
at British Rail's public relations

office.

Where he sticks two fingers out of his
face.

It's quite frightening, really, because
already they've been cutting back on

this show as well, especially in the
dressing rooms. I mean, instead of

everybody get changed in private,
they've put us all in one big room.

With a notice up which says it's rude to
point.

I shouldn't complain, I suppose, because
it was in the dressing room that I

overheard the joke I'm going to tell you
from Jimmy. Now, this concerns a chap

who is working late one night in the
office with his gorgeous young blonde

secretary.

I see the front row have woken up
already.

And as I just about finished the
paperwork for the night, the secretary

leans across her desk to the boss and
she says, Oh, Mr.

Waterton. She says, Mr. Waterton.

She's got a bit short of breath very
easily, this girl. And a bit like my

Sid, actually. It's not surprising in
his case, poor old soul. But he was a

married man with 19 children.

And his hobbies included gasping for
breath and falling over.

There is this certain chap, you see, and
he's a blonde secretary, you remember?

And she's whispering in his ear, Oh, Mr.

Waterston, she said. Mr. Waterston, it's
very late, she said.

Don't you think it's time we were both
in bed?

Well, being something of an opportunist,
this chap, he didn't need to stick his

finger out the window to see which way
the wind was blowing.

Cut a long story short, he ends up back
at his secretary's flat.

And a good time is had by all.

Especially him. Well, eventually,

he looks at his watch. He says, my God,
he said, the wife will kill me. He said,

I must be off.

And he's about to rush off home when the
girl says, hang on.

Nothing to worry about, she says. From
experience, I can tell you. Just you put

a bit of chalk behind your ear, tell
your wife exactly what's happened, and

everything will be fine. So off he goes,
and he gets home. Sure enough, there is

the wife sitting up in bed, teeth out,
curlers in, knitting herself a crash

barrier.

And she says, where the hell have you
been?

So remembering what he'd been told, he
said, well, listen, dear, I'll tell you

what happened. I was working late at the
office with my beautiful secretary,

Fiona, and I'm afraid she invited me
back to her flat, and we had one or two

gins. Then she put on some music and
lowered the lights. She opened some

champagne. She undid my tie, and, you
know, we really, I'm afraid, carried

rather more than we ought. And I hate to
tell you this, darling, but I must be

honest.

At which point his wife suddenly noticed
the piece of chalk sticking out behind

you. She said, you ruddy liar, don't
give me that. You've been down the pub

playing darts again.

On the kimono, we bring

oriental drama.

It's called the no -no.

What's painted on a Japanese screen?

Who knows exactly what they mean?

fight thee.

When we go on winter tours to

Asiatics, I get rapturous applause.

I get rheumatics.

We brave the mystic Orient.

Shanghai, Calcutta, and Pasadena.

And next week it's Soak on Tread.

That's a no -beating.

That's a no -beating.

That's a no -beating.

That's a no -beating. That's a no
-beating.

That's a no -beating.

I play hillocks and bonsai trees.

Suki's our producer's girlfriend.

She's glamorous, she's all right.

She gives many a great performance.

And some of them twice are not.

He thinks he's a great big star.

You can see he's got a big head and a
very big repertoire.

Oh, Oslo, Oslo, Oslo.

Bells, gongs and timbres in our Japanese
barn. Each one has a...

your throat to understand.

One small clangor stands for anger. Two
means fun and glee.

And a cheerful toot from a bamboo flute
means beans for tea.

Those bombs and cymbals may sound
distinctly quaint, but a cymbal is

and a ukulele ain't. A hearty bong and a
brick brass gong denote delightful

calm. And this little bell means run
like hell. It's a fire alarm.

Now, Kamikaze Company are proud to
present Traditional no -no play, The

the Cobra's Daughter.

It's about a snake in the glass. No, no,
it's about girl child of honorable shoe

repairer, Cobra's Daughter.

No, no, no, not Cobra's Daughter.

English, they are saying cobbler. Ah,
never mind, we still got to do it.

Once there was a cobbler.

She was very slim and very, very dim.

But they were... And her

lovely... Daughter loved the poor

man, loved him very dearly. But her
mother said, Oh, him

you never will.

He's no, got no. You can't wed a poor
man when he's got no.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all
the way.

So there came a poor rich man, came to
call the daughter.

He had lots of gold, oh, he was very
old, oh.

on his pretty cobra's daughter didn't
want his

silly daughter

had a problem which of them to

marry one was far too old or he had got
no gold or

but his it was

Lots of... We've

come to the end of the no -no play. So
we pack our bags for a trip away.

To the land where the geese shall skate
all day.

Hooray for the no -no day. It's back to
the land of the rising sun. Where the

gee -dime treats are a lot of fun. Where
the guys get cake and the girls get a

bun. Hooray!

to return to Japan again with a sookie
at his two -pound ten. We'll trot to the

spot where the price is not too much for
a meal if you've got a yen. We'll go

with a gang of the Ming and Tang to the
slant -eyed Bangkok gentlemen.

We'll both do a bunk in a beat -up junk
and we won't come back that way.

We're off to the land of the OT shops
with the chopsticks and the flapjack

and you can't get chips with karate
chops.

Hooray! So it's back to the land we call
Japan for a well -endressed for an

unking man with a bent bamboo and a
busted fan. Hooray!

in the Joppy No -No Play. You can stick
the bottom margin on the comic card.

Just about all that time for tonight, we
were very disappointed that we didn't

get to meet Ivan Bedlinov after his big
win tonight in the World Pickle -Eating

Championships. He was going to rush over
here straight after an interview on

ITV, but apparently he was afraid of
repeating himself.

Some late sports news. At Helsinki
today, the Irish team had to withdraw

the World Fencing Championships because
they ran out of creosote.

West London Police.

West London Police wish to alert local
residents about the activities of the

infamous cross -eyed burglar. If you see
this man staring in your windows, warn

the people next door.

And finally, we've news from the Braille
Society's annual fate that a Dundee

cake which fell from its stand and came
to rest on the next table took first

prize in the short story competition.

Next. Next week we'll be meeting the
silly scientist who crossed his cat with

gorilla and now gets put out every night
himself.

And the Reverend Ian Paisley will be
here to tell us that cleanliness is next

godliness, but only in an Irish
dictionary.

Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.