All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s07e04

Good evening, it's delightful to be back
with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes,

indeed it is, and in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be hearing about

Marcel Gobigny, President of the Second
French Republic, an amateur

contortionist, who decorated himself
with a Légion d 'honneur, did a back

somersault for joy, and kissed himself
on both cheeks.

And in lonely heart... We'll be
introducing you to a personable, slim,

-aged but deeply pessimistic man who
wishes to meet a mature, attractive

with a view to possible headaches later
on.

But first, the news.

And it's bad news for those of you in
the Isle of Wight. Masha Golding,

Britain's number one graffitist, was
released from Parkhurst this afternoon

is now painting the town.

And the hunt for the two Irishmen who
stole a bunch of pillar box keys last

night ended this morning. The police
were waiting for them when they made the

nine o 'clock collection.

Gardening expert Humber Ratt revealed
today that his brilliant pioneering work

with giant marrows had gained him five
gold medals and a hernia.

However, he has now switched to pumpkins
and has already developed two new

strains.

Pathetic news tonight from the Mammal
House at London Zoo that Ernest, the

-sighted skunk, has fallen in love with
a gas leak.

Harry Bennett, the underworld's greatest
receiver of stolen goods, was killed

today. He fell off the back of a lorry.

And now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, who last week got into the

pair of Wellington boots and was
reported missing.

Drinks, gentlemen?

Not for me, thank you, George. No, no.
I'll have a scotch and soda, if I may.

Just like your father before you, sir.

He said to me, he said, it will still be
whiskey and soda when young Daphne is a

member.

Daphne? Daphne? We don't allow women
members in here. Oh, no, sir. This

gentleman here is young Mr.

Daphne.

day, Daphne.

Yes, hopefully.

Funny sort of name, isn't it?

Vicar a bit short -sighted, was he?

No, he wasn't.

One of them, are you?

No, I'm not one of them. That is my
name, Daphne Saunders.

Sir Daphne Saunders, Baroness.

I suppose there's nothing wrong in being
one of them nowadays. I met a chap up

the Leaning Tower of Pisa last month.

He was that way inclined.

I am not that way inclined. My name is
Daphne Saunders, Sir Daphne Saunders.

a happily married man with four
children, Nancy, Edith, Esmeralda, and

All nice lads.

Lads?

A bit that way inclined, are they?

No, they're not that way inclined. As a
matter of fact, Nan... Nancy fled a

trial for West Bromwich Albion.

Nancy?

Because he's a boy called Nancy, it
doesn't mean he's a Nancy boy.

Actually, he scored four goals and still
refused to kiss his teammates.

So don't laugh at my name.

I'm sorry.

I am sorry.

I remember Uncle saying stupid people
would laugh. I remember distinctly. Dear

old Uncle Flo.

Taking father aside.

and saying, Gladys, you're only going to
be the laughingstock of the

neighbourhood if you call that boy
Daphne. Remember Dad saying, run off,

run off.

Get back to Aunty Herbert.

Here you are, sir. One whiskey and soda
for you.

Mr Daphne.

Do you know, I think I'll have a whiskey
and soda as well, George. I've changed

my mind. Certainly, sir. Your father was
always changing his mind. He said to me

once... You'll find that young Mr. Fido
is just the same.

Fido? Yes, yes, I don't want to talk
about it.

Is that your name? Yes, it is, yes.
Anything wrong, Daphne?

Oh, yes, there is, oh, yes, there is.
Don't pretend to be.

I've had a dog's life with that name,
you know.

Yeah. Woof, woof, they all used to say
at school.

Woof, woof, woof, woof.

Damn clever, woof, woof.

Cruel little tykes, children, aren't
they? Woof, woof. Damn witty. Wish I'd

thought of that. It's all very well for
you to laugh. It's been hell with a name

like that. I'll make no bones about it.

Do you know, I used to say to my
brother, I used to say Rover.

Why is it that Mother gave us these
terrible names? He said, it's not

doing, it's Tiddles.

Tiddles? Yes, my father.

He thought he was the cat's whiskers.

I said to my son, I said, it's no good
worrying because your father has got a

funny name. I said, it's not what you're
called, but who you are.

Always remember that, Dobbin, I said.

You are Mr. Piper. Oh, thank you. All
right, all right, all right. All right,

George, you keep laughing. What's your
surname? Yes, come on, George, spill the

beans. Oh, no, sir, that would be
deadly. Come on, you're here to lose

What's your surname? Come on. Pardon me,
sir, I'm here to wait on you to grant

you every whim.

But my private life...

It's my own affair.

Oh, knickers.

You called me, sir?

Good evening.

I, uh...

I'm the, uh... I'm

the chairman of the International
Society for the Shy and Embarrassed.

Or Sissy, for short.

I feel you on behalf of the shy and
embarrassed people everywhere.

First, how does it start? What causes
shyness? Well, we've asked hundreds of

people all over the country what makes
them shy.

3 % said it started in early childhood,
and 97 % went red and ran away.

I know exactly how they feel, because I
myself am very shy. That's why I carry

this fan, you see. It's reversible, so
if I'm not feeling the life and soul of

the party, I simply turn it round like
this.

My wife's got a fan as well, and the
only difference between her fan and mine

that hers is collapsible.

And it's got daisies around it.

Before she acquired it, she was so shy
she used to walk around with her skirt

pulled over her head.

This covered her embarrassment and very
little else.

Very little else is our daughter.

things shy people can't do. Some of our
members are so shy that they're too

embarrassed to take their underwear down
and quite often their friends'

underwear down to the laundrette.

We had hoped to tell you how shy people
have babies so we asked the man who

wasn't shy but we were too embarrassed
to listen.

But in spite of these handicaps, many
shy people manage a perfectly normal

hermitude, and indeed, many activities
do suit shy people. In sport, for

instance, shy and embarrassed people are
making progress.

Backwards. I mean, more and more shy
golfers are playing around with

and are not feeling embarrassed about
it.

Every Saturday.

Every Saturday throughout the season,
shy people will be able to stay apart

a game of non -association football.

And we've just learned that the Olympic
Federation have at last relented and

will allow a shy relay team to leave the
baton with someone else to be collected

the following day.

British Rail are helping our members to
get out and about, following the success

of their Away Day, and their even more
successful Have It Away Day.

They have now announced a special
service for shy people called the Put It

Day.

Now, one of the most difficult things
for shy people to do is to say certain

words. And in this connection, the GPO
have agreed that in future, shy people

with addresses in Sussex, Essex and
Middletex can put Sus -thing, S -thing

Middle -thing instead.

And after complaints from people in
Wolverhampton, it will henceforth be

as Wolver -whatsit.

This will also apply, of course, to
North -whatsit, South -whatsit and dear

Little -whatsit.

Now, the main purpose of this appeal is
to raise money to enable these people to

lead a more obscure life and to research
into aids for shy people. Now, over

here, for instance, you see, we have a
full -length mirror for people who are

plucking up curries to look at
themselves a bit at a time, you see.

And

that's

for the foot.

Alternatively, we can put the money to
use by sending people away for long,

unadventure holidays in Coventry, where
you can get to know each other like the

back of your hand. And for really shy
members, there's a two -week crash

where you can get to know the back of
your hand.

And for our major project, the building
of a clubhouse and headquarters in

central London full of hundreds of tiny
little rooms where people can come and

avoid each other.

Please send your donation to city...

Cautious approach and over middle thing.

And remember, a pound note will cover a
man's embarrassment for a week.

And, of course, three pounds for a lady.

to the side of the head in a second
minute, Miles.

Oh, OK.

Mind you, did you notice a little bit of
crafty elbow work going on round the

blinds? I did see that. I saw that, yes,
yes. Was he really still on the floor

when he hit him like, was he? Well, I
don't know about that. I think the ref

right, you know, not to stop it. No, no,
no. The knockout. The knockout was

superb, wasn't it? Oh, but first them
little left jabs like that.

Yeah. Then the right to the side of the
head, the left one. Oh, the right to the

side of the head.

Crash, bang, wall, it was all over you.

Fantastic scrap.

Marvellous, marvellous. They're playing
Arsenal next week, aren't they?

My love songs will remain there in my
piano.

I'll have thrown the key to the piano in
the water.

I'll go see...

You knew so well how to listen to me. My
life stopped

when you left me.

song.

A day by the sea will do you the world a
good heed, if the fresh air don't kill

you.

Don't you come in back with corrugated
lungs, do we?

I think my George must have copped a
dose of fresh air somewhere. Why do you

that? Some of his parts are a bit
corrugated.

Is this carriage all right for you?

I prefer men only.

I'll come with you.

Does George mind you going?

Mind? It's the second time I've left him
in 37 years. Oh, well, he'll be getting

used to it then, won't he?

Didn't Ted come to you on the spur of
the moment, like?

Yes, a year ago.

I've been tanning for a year, really,
yes. He thinks I'm going to see my

in Dagenham. Oh, where are you going to
see her then, dear?

Well, I'm not, dear, am I?

Oh, have you had a row again?

No, dear, I told you. I told you I'm
going to see William Brighton. Willie?

He's an old flame, dear. Oh, yes.

Let's hope the fire doesn't go out.

Does he expect you?

No, no, it's a surprise. Oh, well, you
be careful. At 76, that sort of thing

could kill him, you know.

No, not at 76. You know, we weren't
sweethearts.

In that sort of way.

Oh, oh, I see. Yes, yes.

Well, you did very right. You did very
right to hang on to your rigidity.

I hung on to that little well after
George and me was married. Yes, they've

plenty of time to restitute their
commnubial rights, haven't they?

I told him, dear, I said you mustn't be
impatient. No, quite right. Well, you

don't want that sort of thing on your
honeymoon, do you?

Listen, you will look after George for
me, won't you?

Is he coming as well? Who's that, dear?
George Formby.

I said, George, for me. Oh, George,
well, yes, certainly I'll look at you,

providing he doesn't think he's on his
honeymoon.

Mind out if he wants any help finding
something underneath the stairs.

Why, what's he looking for? You'll know
all right if you find something.

You're not coming, are you? Yes, well,
you see, it's Sid. He's off work again

after that day he did last month.

Still, it's good for him, isn't it,
dear?

Holding down a job for a whole day. Oh,
yes, yes, yes. It's his legs, you see.

Oh, what's the matter with them? He
can't get them out of bed in the

nice clean underwear on in case of an
accident.

New pair on this morning, dear? On top
of the old pair.

I'm not expecting, you know, anything.

I shouldn't think so at your age.

Listen, what happens if you get lost?

I've got a little label, dear, name and
address.

Oh, where's that? In the pocket of the
top pair. Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

I've just noticed, dear, there's a
fellow in the corner, they're earwigging

I know, I saw him. What did he like?

Well, I can't seem to. He's got about
the hat half over his face.

Well, say good morning to him. Perhaps
he's a gentleman.

I hope not.

I mean, if he's a gentleman and you say
good morning, he will raise his bowler

out and you might see what he's like
underneath.

Morning. Oh, George.

Oh, dear. Why, why? Don't kick me out of
here. It's my George.

Yeah.

Well, it's not Brandy, is it?

I thought you said Shandy.

Yeah.

Are you real, huh?

Well, what happened, George? I came in
here the usual time you went around.

I thought to myself, he's not here, I
thought. That's right, yes, I wasn't

was I? Because I was somewhere else,
weren't I?

Yeah, I thought that to myself.

I thought to myself, he's not here,
chances are he's somewhere else.

It's a wonderful thing, education, isn't
it?

Yeah. Where have you been, then?

Right in the back? Yeah. What for?

Well, I was following Ede, you see. You
see, she said to me that she was going

to see her sister in Dagenham, right?

Yeah. But then I got suspicious, because
you don't put on a new pair of surgical

stockings to go and see your sister, do
you?

So I thought, she's up to something, she
is, so I thought I'd try a spying

mission, you see. I followed her. Oh,
yeah?

Yeah. But Ede's been at home all day,
most part.

I know. Well, she hopped off the train.
I didn't get time to get on before it

started. I was sitting in the cab. I was
hiding. I had my hat over my face like

that, see? I was trying to look
incompatible, you know, in a corner.

I even had a disguise on. Look, I had
them all like that, you see?

And I pulled her face like that, see?

But even then, she still knew it was me,
like that, see? Oh, that's amazing,

because even I don't know it's you now.

What do you reckon she went to Brighton
for, then? To see her ex -boyfriend.

Oh, ex -boyfriend.

That's a laugh.

Eid ex -boyfriends.

Who'd be soppy enough to take Eid out?
Here, here, wait a minute, wait a

I married it, mate.

But you didn't take it out, did you, eh?

Well, maybe in the blackout or heavy
smogs or something like that.

So what did you do? You were trying to
talk to her to stop her going, weren't

you? No, I was trying to nick her return
ticket to stop her coming back.

Then halfway back, of course, the ticket
inspector clocked me.

He got me all right. Yeah, I said, I'm
not trying to go to Brighton. I don't

want to go to Brighton. But they won't
listen to reason, will they? All they

want is the old name and address, innit?
Oh, dear. So you're in a bit of bother,

then, eh? Well, not really.

Gave him your name and address.

You what? You gave him my name and
address? Well, that's very nice, that

Give him my name. I could be in trouble
for that. I could end up in court or

something like that. Yeah, well, you
shouldn't do it, shall we? They'd clap

down and all that sort of thing now, you
know?

Fair dodging, yeah. About time, too, if
you ask me at all. Well, listen, why

didn't you give him your name and
address?

Well, there's no point both of us
getting into trouble, is there?

It's all about soliciting, so I'll put
you right. Yeah, but I'm innocent.

I'm innocent, aren't I? You're not going
to plead that, are you?

Why not? No, no, you have to plead
guilty. Saves the court time and money,

And the judge will be lenient with her.
Oh, George. Yeah, tell you what, we'll

plead excruciating circumstances.

See, it's a loss of memory, so you
didn't know where you was. Oh, yeah. You

up in the morning, next thing you know,
you're punching the ticket inspector.

Yeah, that's all right. I want to punch
in the ticket inspector.

He was desperate. one you're desperate
you didn't know where you was i knew it

wasn't there didn't i well that's no
alibi is it not being there is it all

i could go to court just say what me
sure i could what a grass on a mate you

wouldn't do that i'll tell you what i'll
do i'll be a character witness for you

oh that's nice that's nice yeah cheers
george times like this you realize who

your friends are isn't it how long do
you suppose i might get then

Well, it depends on the judge, doesn't
it? I mean, if he's in a bad mood or a

good mood, doesn't it, eh?

I mean, which side of the bed he got out
of, that's what it depends on, doesn't

it? I mean, you could get five years.
Five years?

Yeah. On the other hand, if he's in a
bad mood, who knows?

It's my anniversary tomorrow, and oh,
you know that, don't you, yeah?

Yeah. Lil's gone and bought one of these
black baby doll type nighties, you

know, especially for me. Has he?

You look damn silly in that, won't you?

All your cellmates will be laughing at
you, won't they?

Yeah, I must get off out of it.

So it's your anniversary tomorrow, is
it? You will stand by me, now, won't

Of course I will, yes, yes, provided I
get over the shock of my best friend

being a criminal.

Give me all my best regards. Why are you
on her anniversary? What date is your

anniversary, then? Second of April. Oh,
tomorrow, that is, is it? Yeah. I see.

What's today, then?

what you were getting at. You didn't
catch me at all.

I've

had

Rex for three years now and I've always
fed him on chunky lumps.

He loves my chunky lumps.

Rich, solid meat straight from the tin.
No gristle, no fat. Just plain, honest

-to -goodness nourishment.

Chunky lumps gives him so much energy,
too. And what do you think keeps his

so bright?

The answer's chunky lumps.

Isn't it, Rex?

Yes, Deidre.

The dog won't touch it.

He has a very funny joke about a man who
has lived all his life in Bradford.

It's quite funny so far, isn't it?

By the way, talking about Bradford, I
get a lot of letters about that. Talking

about Bradford, this joke is not about
the Indian, you know, who always slept

a bed of nails and divorced his wife
because she refused to get down to

Brasstack.

No, I wouldn't tell that one. I wish it
had been that one, actually.

It's a damn sight funnier than the one
I'm going to tell you. Anyway, the

I'm going to tell this is because I have
had a special request.

Now, normally, I don't do a lot of
viewers' requests.

Well, let's face it, 90 % of them are
physically impossible.

This one happens to be from my wife, and
I'm hoping it will cheer her up.

because just lately she's been a little
bit under the weather, and to be honest,

I think it's affecting her health in
general, and her eyesight in particular.

Well, last Wednesday afternoon, she
spent half an hour telling our garden

his tea was ready.

However, I'm sure this story will buck
her up, because it's strange, but in all

the years we've been married, this joke
is one of the two things that have

really made her laugh.

wrong about the other one no things have
actually been a wee bit tense on the

domestic front recently it all started
last weekend as a matter of fact i just

popped around to visit our local but
unfortunately she was out so i went down

the pub one went to the pub one of those
quaint old rural pubs it is you know at

one time when you went in there it used
to be really full of country atmosphere

then the landlord put up a sign saying
please wipe your feet

On this particular evening, they were
holding their weekly yard of ale

Everyone in the pub drinks six pints of
ale, then dashes out into the yard.

Actually, it's quite interesting.

When I got home, I found there was my
wife in tears because the gas stove had

just blown up. It was one of those
rather dangerous old Japanese models,

know, with the suicide pilot.

And to be fair, to be fair, she'd been
on to me for some time to get her a new

one. You know, she used to drop little
hints, like, just a subtle little

reminder, like she'd come back from the
Indian takeaway and ram a chicken

vindaloo down the front of my trousers.

In an effort to curry my favour, I
suppose.

She claims I'm just lazy. I suppose I am
a bit, really. It's something I

inherited from my mother.

I'll never forget, you know, when I was
a little boy on bath nights, my mother,

she couldn't be bothered to rub a towel
over my legs. She used to stand me in

the spin dryer.

For seven years, I had to screw my
trousers on.

My brothers and sisters kept coming up
to me and saying, oh, there's a twist.

It was very embarrassing. However, I'm
starting to ramble again. Now, I mustn't

do this. I mustn't ramble tonight
because the producer has asked me to be

He wants to get away early, apparently.

No, I don't ask too many questions, but
I think it's probably another of his

council meetings. Our producer serves on
his local council.

In fact, by all accounts, he did
extremely well at the last elections by

managing to hold onto his seat in a gay
-lib stronghold.

Back to this... Back to this chap.

Who is still living in Bradford. And
understandably, he's getting a bit fed

with it by now. So he decides to go on a
cruise to the West Indies. Now,

actually, this is the same man, you
know, as in the other joke, whose wife

going to the West Indies. And he's had
enough of being left behind all the

while. So he's going out to see what
it's like for himself. So he sets off

Plymouth and he boards the ship.

hands in his little ticket, and is led
down some creaking old steps from the

ship's hold, where all around, all the
passengers sitting there, chained to

great wooden oars, just row upon row of
haggard, perspiring bodies, all heaving

together. You know, a bit like British
Rail Ferry, really.

No,

actually, it reminds me of a more
rickety old troop ship when I was put on

during the war, to be honest.

What a disgrace.

I remember there was one spot of good
news. Owing to the shortage of space,

the soldiers had to share sleeping
quarters with the rent.

And the bad news was that they slept in
hammocks.

You've never seen a boat rock about so
much in all your life.

This chap is sitting there, all chained
up behind his oar, and the order is

given, and they all start rowing. And
right at the end, there's a man with a

huge drum who beats out the relentless
rhythm for them to keep time with. You

know, he goes...

Boom, boom.

Boom, boom.

Boom, boom.

Sounds like Basil Brush at half speed.

Boom, boom.

Let me know if you start getting
seasick. Boom, boom.

They're these terrible inhuman
conditions. They row and row until they

reach the Caribbean.

A man comes round and undoes all the
chains and the chap staggers to his

his clothes in stretch, his throat dry,
cracked.

He picks up his suitcase and he starts
to climb out there. And halfway up the

steps, he turns back to the bloke who'd
been sitting next to him all the while.

And he said, just a minute, I've just
thought.

Do you think we ought to tip the
drummer?

Now the bloke said, oh, I don't think
so. He said, I didn't bother last year.

laughter

¶¶ ¶¶

Time three.

It may sound very grand when a big brass
band plays a bag of potpourri.

But if you want class, you can stuff
your brass.

Having tea on the cart, Colonel Humphrey
Hart got some scones because the

crumpets make him windy. Here every day
while his wife's away because he wants a

small French tart.

I'm sharing the sun, Mrs. St. John Dunn,
with a look of surprise kicking up a

shindy. Sat in a state on a red hot
plate and she got a hot cross bun.

We played for years while the poor old
dears have a frugal tea time spree. They

drop their eclairs down your you -know
-wheres with a ball of tea.

We play with the wheel while the teacups
spill and we all get splashed with tea.

So we've got dry rot, you know, you know
what, with a ball of tea.

Last evening I played at a concert.

The piano lid fell on my head.

my crotchet, my bonzer. I'll take up the
harp instead.

A stein weighs a ton and you make up
when it clobbers the home of your hat.

A very remarkable A sharp blow makes
your head be flat.

And my lady wife says that my fort is
not being the same.

Miss Crangle took work at a clip joint,
a club near the festival hall.

It turned out the place was a strip
joint where they didn't like Bach at

Whatever she played, they ignored it.
She fiddled while nobody clapped.

But gosh, how the people applauded the
night that her G -string snapped.

a big hand on her exit.

Her double bass was clapped.

Mr.

Green, our music tutor has...

Which he thought it ought to by degrees.

Tried to change its shape and angle. By
insertion in a mangle. Now it dingle

dangles round his knees.

Mr. Clean Army's master. No, his nose
had met disaster.

So he's learned a nifty trick or two.

On the end he's fixed a duver. From an
obsolescent hoover. Now he cleans the

rugs and sweeps the floor.

My agent who resides in Kent with an
actor known as Sandy who's a wee bit

They are really rather ducky but improv
-y dent.

Both very skint when their spends get
spent.

They hadn't got a penny for the rates
and the rent. They were living in the

tizzy in an old scout tent.

My agent got abusive and his temper
went.

Kicked up a stink for his 10th birthday.

They said I hadn't got it and I told
them flat. Sandy got his dander up and

watched their cat.

Do a little naughty in my best straw
hat, so my agent's going to get his 10 %

off that.

We're all right.

All right.

Yeah. That's just about all we've got
time for tonight, but here are some late

items of news.

At a novelty dinner dance in Hales Owen
tonight, everybody had a slice of

Battenberg before the cake walk, a
poultry patty was followed by the turkey

trot, while the prune and rhubarb pie
led to a general excuse me.

And there was confusion tonight at the
Odeon Cinema, Workington, when Alma

Nibbs, the senior usherette,
accidentally sat on her torch and showed

in the circle.

Finally, Britain's thinnest and hairiest
man, Arthur Stringbean, the human

pipe cleaner, was rushed to hospital
tonight after eating an entire 30 -pound

Christmas pudding.

Doctor said he should still pull
through.

Next week, we'll be talking to a
mathematician from Addingham, a wrestler

Nottingham, and a plumber from
Flushingham.

And doing our best to ignore a loudmouth
from Effingham.

Until then, it's goodnight from me. And
it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.