All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s07e03

Good evening.

It's wonderful to be back with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, indeed it

And in a packed programme tonight, we
were to have met Elasto, the India

man, but unfortunately this afternoon he
slid down the banisters and erased

himself.

And later in the show, we will be having
a live link -up with Britain's rudest

doctor, direct from his Harley Street
insulting rooms.

But first, the news. Hamilton
Breakspear, the heavyweight boxer who's

knocked out in every fight in his
career, was admitted to hospital today

suffering from a cauliflower bottom.

And news tonight that the army junior
leader's expedition to Borneo has

a sad depletion of numbers.

Cannibals have already had three hard
-boiled sergeants, two half -baked

corporals and a raw recruit.

The anonymous pools winner who fainted
at the news of his giant win and fell

into a vat of plaster of Paris is today
said to be set for life.

Colonel Bill Lomax, the world's greatest
elephant tracker, was buried today. In

future, he's decided not to follow so
close behind the elephant.

And finally, Andy McGowan, the sailor
whose family kept a light burning for

in the window for 30 years, returned
home to Perth today to one of the

electricity bills ever seen.

And now a sketch about a hiking holiday
in the Lake District in which I go with

a girl who works in Bristol and has a
large pair of boots.

And I go with a girl who works in boots.

And has a large map of the area.

You and your friends want to get in the
council house. You have to have all the

details, you see. Oh, yes. Otherwise,
you'll get... There's five of you at the

moment living in the one -bed seat? Oh,
yes, there are. There are two.

Only we get a lot of people in here, you
know, with fictitious names and funny

occupations. You've got to be ever so
careful.

Oh, yes, yes. Well, I've got them all
down here, you see. All right, then.

have all their full names then. Who is
the first then?

Junior. Junior.

He's the youngest, is he? No, no, that's
his name, Junior.

Oh, yes. Well, what's his first name?

Tammy, well, Tammy.

Tammy Junior, yes. Is that his full
name? No, no, he's got a middle name.

David.

Sammy Davis, Jr.? What, Sammy Davis, Jr.
wants a council house?

Well, a flat will do.

Tell me, what's he like?

Oh, he's a very tall blonde bloke with
black hair.

Doesn't tap dance, does he? No, no, no,
no, no, no. He wouldn't be any trouble.

Stuart.

Surname?

How do you mean?

Surname, you know, like, you know,
Granger. Stuart Granger, for example.

yes, that's it, yes, yes.

Guess what? That's his name, yes.

What, you're telling me his name's
Stuart Granger? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

not a film star, no. No, he's just
playing Stuart.

Oh, yeah, Rob Stuart.

Now, see, what's his occupation?

Singer. Ah, singer.

Sewing machines. He repairs them.

Next. Taylor.

Taylor.

First name?

George. Oh, it's a nice easy one this
time, isn't it? George Taylor.

No, no, no, no. His name's not Taylor.
He is a Taylor.

Oh.

All right. He's a Taylor and his name is
George. Yes. George what?

Gershwin.

George Gershwin. That's right, yes.

Taylor.

Next. Howard.

Howard. Yes.

What's this going to be?

Frankie or Trevor or something else? No,
no, no, no, no, no. Just Howard.

Howard. Howard Hughes.

You're telling me that's his real name?
No, no, that's not his real name.

Well, why does he call himself Howard
Hughes? Well, he wants people to think

he's rich, you see. Oh, I see. What is
his real name? Getty. Paul Getty.

Don't tell me his occupation is oil.

Yes, it is. Yes, he drives a tanker.

Any more?

Only me.

My name is Irish, so I'd better spell
it. All right. It's F -I -N -A -T -R -A.

That's pronounced Sinatra.

I know how to pronounce Sinatra, don't
I? You see, I suppose your first name

begins with F, does it? Yes, it does,
yes, it does, yes. Fred.

Fred Sinatra. Now, I'm very proud of
that name, you know, because that is

of a very famous film star's name, that
is. Oh, you don't say. I wonder who that

could be. Fred Astaire.

Fred Sinatra. Yes, all right, I see
that. All right, Mr. Sinatra, we'll let

know as soon as a counterhouse becomes
available. Oh, thanks very much. Who

should I contact, should there be any
queries?

Me. Oh, what's your name? Hope.

Hope? Oh, Bob?

No.

Yes?

Give up. That's it. Give up, Hope? Yes,
that's it.

My name is Hector Walnut Plates, but you
can call me Sir Hector Walnut.

I often lose my place.

In fact, you can call me Sir Hector, as
I've just had a sir -hectomy.

And I've lost my remaining walnut.

Now, I represent the Council of
Knowledge, Enterprise and Universal

COCUP.

Now, what is COCUP for? Well, we exist
to plan things. Our job is to approach

everyday objects and institutions that
are working perfectly well.

and completely redesign them.

This keeps millions of otherwise useless
people in a job, and you, the public,

benefit.

Here, for example, over here, is our new
experimental traffic system for London.

Now, Oxford Street here, Oxford Street
will be one way northwards, Downing

Street will be one way southwards, and
Upping Street will be two ways

Heathrow will become Rottenrow, which
should cause quite a stink.

However, that will be dealt with when
Gatwick becomes Airwick.

mean, of course, that all air traffic
will be tremendously well stacked.

Speaking of tremendously well stacked,
here is a tourist map of my secretary,

Miss Wanda Knightley, showing the main
points of interest.

She only knows one way southwards and 64
ways east to west.

Well, back to the drawing board.

Ah, back to the drawing board. That's 65
ways. I'd forgotten that one.

have decided that we get more efficiency
if we link up certain pairs of

institutions. For instance, Guy's
Hospital will join up with the Dolls

to form Guys and Dolls.

Kensington Evening Institute will join
Mincing Lane for an after -eight mince.

And St Thomas's will join St John the
Divine to make a divine John Thomas.

Now, we haven't reorganised the counties
for at least a year, so we're going to

have another crack at them.

Now then, for instance, this...

I'm

sorry, I've been rather overworking
lately.

Now, Yorkshire... Yorkshire... Yorkshire
will join Cornwall to form Corkshire

and Yornwall.

join Dorset to make Dented Corset.

And finally, Flint and Bucks will get
together to make one county called

Naturally Blint.

Well, I hear you say that's all very
little and large, but what are we chaps

Coker going to do about architecture?
Well, let me unveil some of our latest

plans. Now, we've had a lot of
complaints about tower blocks.

People say they'd rather live in
cottages, so here's our solution.

The ten -storey cottage.

Here's the privy in the garden.

And this.

The only trouble is you have to stand on
the seat to pull the chain.

We also aim to make buildings fit in
with their location. Here, for example,

the new sandwich town hall.

And here is the leak post office.

Oh, and here we have park.

Only part. I'm afraid of the Hampton
Court, the AT office.

Unfortunately, we're not allowed to show
you the rest of it.

No, no, it doesn't end there. It doesn't
end there. Nothing is too small for our

attention. We are going to redesign all
the familiar everyday objects.

Now, here, for instance, is our new
unbreakable glass. Look at that.

We're now working on the unbreakable
hammer.

of imaginative design.

Now, look at this revolutionary hair,
this revolutionary telephone and carafe.

There you are. Ah, excuse me.

Hello?

Yes? Oh, I see, Wanda. Yes, thank you
very much. Yes, that was Wanda, my

secretary, reminding me it's time to
take my tablet. Yes.

On second thoughts, I'll take it later
after I've had my leak.

Now, our boffins never rest.

from the task of improving your lives.

Now, over here, you will see a nice
little beauty here. This is the very

word in mousetraps. Now, it costs less
than £5 ,000 and consists of an

electronic field detector here and an
ultra -sensitive photometer here and a

high -voltage laser gun there, you see.
So the mouse comes in through this

little hole here and goes through there
and under there and finds the bait,

which is a tiny piece of British rail
pork pie, which, of course, it eats.

it dies, so you don't need the laser
gun.

Unfortunately, the hole for the mouse is
rather too small, but we are working on

that. We are redesigning the mouse.

That's what it's going to look like.

Sorry,

that's the mouse dropping.

There it is. If you have any
suggestions, do call in anywhere you see

You can't miss it. It's 100 feet high.
That's right. It's an almighty coke -up.

Good night.

The Manhattan Transfer.

On a little street in Singapore

With me beside a lotus

covered door A veil

of moonlight on a lovely face

How pale the hands that held me in

embrace

My sails tonight are filled with perfume
of shalom.

With temple bells that guide me to the
shore.

And then I hold you in my arms and love
the way I love

before.

On a little street in Singapore.

Thank you.

This week's special offer is our own
friend's butter, 48 pence per pound.

Yes, it is. I was just going over this
grating near the ghost train when

suddenly my dress blew up.

What, exploded?

No, actually not exploded. No, the draft
blew me straight right over my head.

Oh, that must have been very
frightening.

Well, I think it was.

Nearly scared the pants off me.

Well, I thought I might be recognised.

Who would recognise you to hear your
dress over your head?

Except that's a Coleman.

I wonder where it come from.

Oh, it got in the sale.

No, no, not the dressing.

Oh, the drama. They always have that
sort of thing at fun fairs, don't they?

It's supposed to add to the jollity,
isn't it? You ought to take George

Mark came going.

Wish this queue would get going, dear.
It's awfully slow. It's more than

tedious. I'm very worried, you know,
dear, about George's liver.

Oh, dear. Has he been up the doctors
with it?

No, it's in the oven.

Let George go, dear, in bed.

Same old trouble.

Laziness. No, his stomach, dear.

Somebody told him you can die of
indigestion. Oh, dear.

I bet that put the wind up him.

I'll keep him well out of the way until
he blows over.

Go on, we're going. Oh, yes.

I wonder if we're in the right queue.
You know what we ought to have done,

Yes, brought sandwiches.

No, we ought to have got George and Sid
to do the shopping for us, dear. Yes,

why can't they be like other men? Why
can't they be that nice man like that,

look, with a beard? Look at him. He was
clean -shaven when he came in.

You know... What Sid said to me one day
when I asked him to do a little bit of

shopping. Do you know what he said to
me?

Aerosols. Well, you're very close.

No, dear, I've got to get an aerosol for
George Payne, you know, something.

Oh, have you? Oh, yes. You sound a bit
off -centre, dear.

No, not off -centre. He's just messing
about with the legs of the cyborg, you

know, touching them up and things. Oh,
dear.

Sounds a bit off -centre to me.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, I hope you're not going to be
long here, dear. Why? I want to go

somewhere. Oh, do you? For your
holidays. What are you thinking of this

You're on the holidays, dear. Now, I
want to be the lady. Is there a place

Oh. Oh, well, there's the commissar.
Let's ask him.

Excuse me. Oh, that's good. Oh.

Is there a place in here, dear? Of
course there is, madam.

On the fish counter.

Give me that. Can't boil you there.

No, we don't mean that. I mean, we want
to be... Is there a ladies, do you know?

Oh, well, it's quite a queue, love.

How big is it?

Normal size, sixth one.

I hope you're giving paps off.

You've all found I'm going to spend a
penny.

This queue, dear, where is it?

You're in it.

Oh, dear.

I don't even want to go.

Yeah, all right, then.

Oh, cool. Come in. What's the matter
with you? Come in.

How are you, George?

Oh, I'm not so well.

I've got a whole limp of wobbly.

Yeah, Ede was telling me, yeah. Have
you, uh... Have you seen my crash

George? Your crash helmet?

Yeah, I must have left it here when I
came to visit you earlier on today.

Is that all you can think about, your
crash helmet, when your poor old mate's

his last knockings? Well, that crash
helmet... cost me ten pounds, didn't it?

You know that?

Oh, very worried, Sid. I mean, the
doctor said it's only indigestion, but I

don't believe that. I believe it's more
than that. I've got pains.

Burning pains all across me chest and
belly.

Well, maybe it's worms.

Worms? Not too loud.

A lot of fishermen live round here.

Is this what the doctors give you, then?
Yeah.

Oh, must be good. It tastes horrible.

That's because you're supposed to rub it
on.

It says there, look, it says there
external, doesn't it? That is Latin for

outside, that is.

You've seen it in the pictures, haven't
you, up behind the jets there?

Yeah, yeah.

It's got quite a nice aftertaste, as a
matter of fact. Has it?

I'll rub some on for you. What you
probably could do with, you know, a bit

rest, that's what you could probably do.
Yeah, yeah. I wish I had a job, but I

could have gone sick.

Listen, what's these marks there?

They're birthmarks.

Look like beer stains to me.

Of course they are, they're birthmarks.

Well, how long have you had them then?
Since I was born, you twit.

Right, here, they're coming off.

Are they?

Here, that's an omen, that is. That's
the body's way of telling you it's all

over, that is.

I reckon you've got the same as that Alf
Pierce had, you know, all that weak and

burning, what's -his -name, wobbly
thing, you know. Really? Who's Alf

Alf Pierce, down the pub.

With a dog.

Stuttered.

Dog stuttered?

No, Alf Pierce stuttered, didn't he?
Only when he talked like, you know.

You must remember, you chipped in with
his funeral fund, didn't you?

Yeah, I did.

Funeral?

Did he die then?

Well, I hope so. We got him in a nice
reef and everything.

What's the matter? Are you taking a turn
for the worse, George? Yes, this is it,

isn't it?

It's the end of the road for me, this
is.

I should never come out of this bed.

Listen, I don't want to hear you talk
like that. There's nothing wrong with

You're fit as a fiddle. You're strong as
a proverbial watch name ox. You are.

Now, listen, I'll see you later. I'm off
down the road.

Where are you going, then? I'm going to
put my black suit in the cleaners. Oh,

go bloody... Oh, here's my... Here's
my... Here's my crash helmet down here.

Oh, that's what it is. I thought I'd
never seen one.

I thought it was a new idea to have
straps on them like that.

There's a bottle of beer on your side of
the bed.

What's that doing there?

Well, at the moment, it's lying inside,
pouring into your slippers. Oh, my.

My one last little luxury, that's all.

Here, I'll tell you something, Sid. See
that coat hanging on the door? Yeah.

That's yours.

No, it's yours. No.

I mean, when I'm taken from you, I would
like you to have it.

Oh, no, I couldn't do that. Oh, go on,
go on. That would make me very happy. Go

on now, let's see you. Let's see you try
it out. Go on, try it on.

You can't half smell the quality, can't
you, eh?

I'm from Savile Road, that is.

Savile Road, you mean? No, no, Savile
Road, Brixton.

Yeah, it's perfect, look at that, yeah.

No, I think it's a bit in the roomy
side, ain't it, George? A little bit.

I suppose it is. I can't understand
that, because it was supposed to be made

measure, you know.

Yeah, but this is probably measured in
inches. I'm centigrade now.

Here,

I've got one request of you, Sidney.

When I go, I want to go in a Rolls
Royce. Yeah.

I ain't never been in a Rolls Royce. No,
well, nor have I been in a Rolls Royce,

George. Well, there we are. You see,
that'll be the first time for both of

won't it?

And the last time for one of us. Oh.

I tell you what, when poor old Ralph
Pearce was put down, he only had a kind

station wagon kind of thing. Yeah.

When he went, was it quick?

Oh, no, I only travelled about five
miles an hour.

And when he passed by on the other side,
I mean, was he quick? Did he suffer at

all? Oh, no, he was here one minute,
gone the next.

I mean, he was down in High Street,
stepped off the pavement, ambulance came

round the corner, bosh, that was it, all
over.

Ambulance? Yeah, it's been a lot,
really, being knocked down by an

Oh, blimey, you've been sitting here
watching me die, haven't you? What's the

matter? Take that coat off for a start.

You're feeling better, then? Of course
I'm feeling better. Now I know he didn't

die of a stomach pain.

Oh, it didn't die of stomach pain. The
stomach pain says years ago and it works

out then. Six pints of brown ale, he was
right as rain.

Where are you off to then? I'm down at
the pub to get me medicine. Come in. Oh,

yeah, all right. Come on.

Rupert Baird?

Yes, that's correct. That's me.

I wonder, could I have a word? I'm from
the BBC.

I'm on the team of Nationwide. The story
is up there. Although your name is

Rupert Baird, you're really Rupert
Baird.

Well, there we are. My secret's out. I'm
glad for all our sakes. Come, let's sit

down. The weather's fine. We'll have
some tea and cake.

my mummy's name was Bear, she could have
called me Freddy.

She didn't want a girl or boy. She was
hoping for a teddy.

So while she was expecting me, her
darling little Bruin, she just sat

Rupert's books and drinking Mother's
Ruin.

I see. So when you came along, she
didn't think it funny to bring you up as

Rupert Bear. By no means past the honey.

She dressed me in a yellow scarf and
trousers with big checks. She taught me

to speak in rhyme and not to mention
sex.

When we played Soldiers on the Lawn,
instead of Colonel Bogey, Teddy Bear's

Picnic was our tune. You ask my brother,
Yogi.

A brother? Oh, I didn't know.

Oh, yes, in fact, I've two.

One's hardly out of nappies. And what do
you call him? Pooh.

My sister's 20, and she's become more
civilized, you'll find.

I see. A sort of girl in front, but with
a bear behind.

Her name is Sheba, and she wears a fur
coat, sleek and black. And when she

she has been known to break a fellow's
back.

But what of you? Do you ever dream of a
life more rich and fruity? Of lying on

some bearskin rug with some young
bearskin beauty?

Oh, no, I'm a good boy, and I do what
Mummy says I should.

I eat my greens, and I avoid the fairies
in the wood.

Tell me, Rupert, do you have a special
sort of mother to bring you up this way?

Why, no, she's just like any other, but
like all mummies and their kids, she's

proud as proud can be. Come, let's go
inside and meet her, if you've finished

your tea.

Oh, here she comes. I've had my tea and
got a nice full tummy. This man's from

Nationwide, and he's had all the honey,
mummy.

The joke I'm about to tell you tonight,
I can say with complete confidence, is

rather priceless.

Now, I can say that, you know, because
we had it valued by Arthur Negus just

before we came on.

He put it in early 16th century and
possibly one of a pair.

The other one is Bernard Manning's act.

No, that's not true.

No, it's not true. I'll be honest.

This joke was actually told to me just
after lunch today by our producer.

as he's being carried down from the bar.

Incidentally, I'm not going to, I'm
making a little rule for myself, I'm not

going to make any unkind remarks about
our producer's drinking anymore.

Because I don't think you should mock a
man's religion.

And he's rather a sad history in his
family.

He's had family troubles through
drinking.

I mean, his father, for example, used to
suffer from an awful lot of hangovers,

and he was put on a course of Alka
-Seltzer tablets for six years.

12 tablets every day for six years.

One day he jumped into the bath and
dissolved.

Now, having been told this joke at
somewhat short notice, I haven't

time to try it out yet on the camera
crew. It's a BBC rule that before you're

allowed to do a story on television, you
have to tell it to the cameraman first

of all, you see.

And if one of them laughs, you have to
go away and clean it up.

It's like being back at school, really,
all the rules and regulations, you know.

Anyway, this story tonight is a little
football story, actually, so it's rather

nice because it'll appeal to soccer
enthusiasts and Fulham supporters alike.

It concerns.

It concerns.

It's a little bit too near Shepard's
Bush for that joke, I thought.

Oh, sorry, excuse me if I seem a
little... I'm moving uneasy on this

tonight, but...

I'm a bit frightened that it might give
way under the weight because, well, I've

had this, you may have noticed, I've had
this for 50 shows now and the legs are

starting to crack around the back here.
And I decided it was time, you know, for

a new chair. So I went up to see the
BBC's head of comedy.

Well, they call him the head of comedy,
actually. It's a man who sits behind a

desk all day long with a false nose on.

Once a month, he calls all the top
producers into his office, you know.

watch his bow tie spin round.

A little morale booster, I suppose.

So anyway, I went to see him the other
day, and he said to me, he said, Archie?

He said, Archie?

No, I forgot to tell you, he still
thinks, you know, I'm Archie Andrews.

It's a little white lie I had to tell
him after last year's Christmas party.

And he caught me sitting on his
secretary's knee with a hand up the back

shirt. He said, if you want a new chair,
you have to put in a claim to the

director general.

So I did what he said. I wrote to the
director general about the chair being

cracked. And the following day, he sent
me a tube of glue together with a memo

which reads, it says, from the DJ.

That's what they call the director
general. He likes to call himself that,

DJ.

Dear Mr. Corbett, he said, read your
complaint about the cracked chair.

Please contact our props department, and
they will tell you where to stick it.

Now, I thought that was pretty generous
under the circumstances.

And as I say, this story... I shan't
linger on that very long.

Careful where I put the glue.

As I say, this story is about...

It's about football, and it takes place
in the jungle, which is rather

interesting. There's a bunch of insects,
and a few of the friends have

challenged the elephants to a game of
football. And naturally, everyone has

along to watch. You know, the local
cannibals are all sitting there on the

touchline, eating their portions of
Kentucky Fried Missionary.

And the gorillas are all lumbering
around with the scarves tied to their

and out come the...

Out come the elephants and the insects,
and the match begins. Now, it's a little

bit of a dirty game, to be honest,
because after only 20 minutes, the

have been booked for fouling three
players.

Two spectators and 75 % of the pitch.

And the insects, they just can't, the
insects just can't find the form. Well,

they've all been out the night before
sampling the local talent, chatting up

loose cockroaches and having a naughty
time at the Beehive of Ill Repute where

they got stung for ten quid a time.

They can't. Well, I'm sorry. They can't
get it together at all. By half -time,

the elephants are leading 146 -0. At the
start of the second half, the insects

make a substitution.

They take off rather a slow snail at
left wing and put on a centipede.

Well, the match begins again, and after
a few minutes, the insects are awarded a

free kick. The elephants are all
standing there, bunched together, you

a wall with the trunks between their
legs.

The centipede takes the kick, slices
them all right through into the back of

net. Well, from then on, the tide
completely turns.

The centipede just keeps scoring and
scoring and scoring. All the other

go wild. They're cheering, clapping
their mandibles together and wiping

teeth.

Eventually, the final whistle will go,
and the insects are won by 630 goals to

141. Afterwards, in the changing room,
the elephant's captain comes over to the

blue bottle, who's the captain of the
insects, and he says, What I can't

understand is why you didn't play the
centipede on the left wing in the first

half. The blue bottle said, Well, you
see, as a matter of fact, it takes him

whole of the first half to get his boots
on.

Bringing in the hardest, bringing in the
cheese, bringing in the barley to the

mill.

Oh, the bats are in the belfry and the
woodworm in the eaves. It's harvest time

I've had up on the hill.

The vestry's full of veggies and his
pants is in the pews. There's lots and

of pippins getting pipped.

And old Dr. Digby's dealing with a
rather nasty bruise where the curate

his collies in the crib.

There's lots of lovely tourists who come
from far and wide. Quite old English

hamlets fit the bill.

We've led them under which wood and
rooked them on the side. We've done them

down and had them on the hill.

We've done them down and had them on the
hill.

it's the season for birds and the bees
and the verger for heathen eccentric old

sort removing his braces he rumps
through the daisies with daisies in

where daisies don't alter In summer it's
hot and the verge is forgotten to

keep his canonicals out of the sun. The
heat makes him dozy and wrinkled

and rosy. He'll shrivel his posy before
he gets done.

autumn is russet the verdure does cuss
it he's under his gusset while casting

his clouts the winds in the autumn lowly
drown to short him but where the frost

caught him it's withered his sprouts
it's chilly and freezes until he

observes that his finger is cold as his
thumb he's hiding his hat sucks and lags

in his castle but still he gets icicles
all round he's numb

and

our harvest supper there's beer for the
choir there's tea for the vicar and rum

for the squire the squirey fell over
while carrying a pie when I cried that's

our supper she said so I'm

Knee -a -clackers she's dropped in the
lot.

One night in the belfry she got rather
hot.

And astounded the vicar by peeling the
lot.

He's very short -sighted, he's old
Parson Brown.

At christening he holds all the babes
upside down.

And he gave one a kiss, he declared it's
got rather... A grin on its face and

it's just like its father.

Harvest home, harvest home, at St.

John's without its harvest home.

The bestie boy is decked with corn
and...

Vicar's wife has been and gone and made
us look at Charlie.

She's pinned some barley on her coats
and tied a weed. She browned our

Very soon we'll get our oats. Hurrah,
hurrah, the harvest.

Miss Jackson's homemade cowslip wine. It
states upon the labels.

It's vintage 1949.

It takes the paint off tables.

Mother Fielder's got a rare display of
apples over there. But you should see

daughter's pear.

Hurrah, hurrah.

is Mr. Keys, a man of many troubles.

There's water in his pipes and he's
forever blowing bubbles.

His bellows, they are real antiques. His
pump is full of squirts and squeaks. He

sits among the peas and leeks.

He sat down fast and squashed his grape.
Hurrah!

He sat down fast and squashed his grape.
Hurrah!

¶¶ A fellow called Stanley who's not
very manly is going to be Queen of the

A fellow called Stanley who's not very
manly is going to be Queen of the May.

And every time we make the hay and we
hold a village fate, there's homemade

tarts and hoots and darts and guess
young Phyllis's weight.

Young Phyllis's weight was eight stone
eight in February, March and May. Now

she's ten stone three and it's plain to
see that she's been making hay. Yes,

she's been making hay.

She's been making hay.

Thank you.

Well, thank you very much. That's really
all we have time for tonight, but

here's a few items of late news.

Yes, a clergyman in Cardiff today
announced his intention of driving

prostitution underground, which is very
bad news for the man in the street, but

very good news for the miners.

And we've just had news that the
director of the meteorological office

resigned. His rheumatism had started to
disagree with his seaweed.

The entire staff of Pickford's packed
the Albert Hall last night.

Later, they all got drunk and gift
-wrapped Nelson's column.

Finally, there's a shock conclusion in
today's report published by the Irish

government's think tank.

They've decided they're wasting their
time.

In next week's programme, we'll be
meeting the lucky man who bought his

-loving girlfriend's selections from
Shakespeare and got the complete works

return.

word with a gay gangster about his fairy
godfather.

Finally, a police message.

Scotland Yard wished to trace a go -go
girl named Fifi who had a heyday last

Day.

She pulled a voodoo on a zulu and she
danced the can -can on a tom -tom

only a tutu with a pom -pom on her lulu.

She was last heard of having a bit of yo
-ho on a lilo up the Orinoco.

Until next week, it's goodnight from me.