Original subtitles

Good evening. It's wonderful to be with you again, isn't it, Robert? Yes, it is

indeed. And in a packed programme tonight, we shall talk to the short

and rather angry sewage worker who always gets hold of the wrong end of the

stick.

But first, the news.

The Prime Minister was not at home today when delegations representing the Boy

Scouts, the overweight, cigarette smokers and unmarried mothers called at

10. So they stood in the street and shouted, up the Scout, up the Stout, up

Snout and up the Spout.

The following pressure from the Australian Musicians' Union, the Sydney

Orchestra is to get rid of all its British players.

So tonight is the last night of the Poms.

The Crown Public House in Aberdeen had its charity pile of pennies stolen

Police said the thieves will not get far as both coins are marked.

At Dublin Bankruptcy Court this morning, Ireland's worst gambler admitted to

losing his last £600 on the St Leisure. He lost £200 on the race and £400 on the

action replay.

We have just heard that Swedish Massage Parlours Limited have merged with the

Women's Voluntary Service to provide fields on wheels.

Mr Callaghan has announced that next year he intends to set foot on the moon.

And Foot has announced he's going to set Callaghan on the moon.

Finally, film

news. Raquel Welsh has accepted a part in the sequel to Godfather 2. It's

Godfather 3. And she'll be appearing as the two heavies.

But now a sketch starring Mr Ronnie Corbett, who managed to make himself so

unpopular at the typing pool Christmas party that the girls hung him up and

kissed the mistletoe.

Fiona is looking magnificent in red tonight.

Yes. Trouble is, that damned Carol's weather clings like a limpid. Yes, I

but I've got a plan for Carol. I'm going to foist her off onto some unsuspecting

idiot. And then I'm going to move in on the lovely Fiona.

Yes, yes, there's one there.

Magnificent, truly magnificent.

Pardon? That movement there is exciting, superb, vibrant, primeval.

Pardon? The way you were pawing the ground like that, like a stag in rut.

Absolutely magnificent.

Oh, God. Bursting with male pride.

Oh, really, was I? Yes, I know what that gesture means, you see. That is the

first impulse in the age -old courting ritual. Yes, for one heady moment there,

Gerard's cross became the steaming foothills of the Kachinjunga.

Oh, yes, yes. I can respect a man who can still express rampant desire, you

know, the old Adam, that dark tide of passions surging ocean, all encapsulated

in that one simple gesture.

Actually, I dropped some shrimp puree on the carpet.

I started rubbing it into the pattern before anyone noticed. I don't tell

anyone. No, no, no, no. You can't pretend with me. Every gesture a man

betrays the inner beatings of his caged libido. I mean that cheese straw that

you're holding there. What is that saying?

That is saying this is a cheese straw. It is saying I actually

meant to have a sandwich at tea time but forgot.

I hadn't put any oil in the car and thought I came here. Well, it might be a

little while before we have a hot fork dish. Indeed we do.

And this cheese straw is actually filling the hole. No, no, no, no.

Now, every cheese straw points to which way the wind is blowing, you know.

Oh, yes, that surging wind of passion that roars through your soul, bringing

with it squalls of reckless lust and clearing away the grey mists of

You're not with the Met Office, are you, by the way?

What I deal in is the weather of man's psyche.

I give the long -range forecasts for humanity.

I'm a psychiatrist.

I see, yes.

I'm more... I'm more really on the executive side of things, really. Well,

actually accurate, I'm more on the sub -postmaster side of things.

I'm trained to observe man's inner turmoil. To the rest of the world, you

be just a simple little pathetic sub -postmaster, but to me, you are a caged

tiger, a stalking leopard.

Really? You spotted it?

Yes, every gesture you make cries out to me in a loud voice, I want that woman

now. Oh, really? Which woman? Sorry, which... The woman in the yellow dress

there.

For instance, why are you holding your glass like that?

Well, only because otherwise it'd probably drop to the ground.

That glass is a woman. It is round, it is glowing, it is vibrant, it is full.

Goodness me, goodness me. I didn't... Well, to be honest, I hadn't noticed

ladies and gentlemen.

No, no, no. I've noticed that. What? You're afraid of your incipient

aren't you? You're a small man standing on the ocean's edge, afraid to dip his

toes. Well, let me tell you, one or two people at this party tonight have been

for a swim already.

Well, that's as may be, but I personally have no axe to grind. That is not what

I've heard.

I've heard that this is one postmaster who's definitely not served.

Hmm? Look, do you mind? All I want to do is stand here, enjoy myself, have a

quiet evening. I mean, I have no... I've got no idea how sexy that lady is. I

have no desires towards her at all. I mean, she's... She's... Nothing wrong

her. Nothing wrong with me, probably. But I mean, you know, that's just the

I am. Yes, of course. Of course, of course. I understand. You want to talk

something absolutely tedious and ordinary. Fine, fine. Yes, that's all

you don't mind. Do you mind if I have an olive here? Not at all, not at all.

Now, in my taking of this olive, I hope you don't think this resembles or stands

in any way for a woman. My taking of a woman. This olive... Olive is small,

round, it's green, it's... Stop.

Pardon?

Yes, no, well, it is in a way, yes, although I'm not, and that lady probably

isn't, and anyway, that's about the size of it. Is it really?

Yes.

Standing here with no gestures, no waving of hands... no complaints, being

perfectly happy. Do you understand? I know, and people are beginning to

Notice what? That you're standing here doing nothing about it. I mean, you're

standing there with that pathetic little cheese store, that glass with that

pathetic drink. I mean, it's animal, you know, it's disgusting.

It's all fantasy with you. Why don't you go over there and grab that woman in

the yellow dress and whisk her out of here? Why don't you? Because you're

afraid. No, I am not.

We trivets have no fear.

We trivets have fire in our blood.

Then get in there, we trivet.

You'll come with me. Oh,

God, the man's colorblind as well.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Manhattan Sun.

She's a snooty little cutie.

She's a pert little skirt.

She's a knockout and a beauty.

And a flirt.

Such a dapper little flapper.

She's just as cute as a trick.

She's a kissy little missy. A vain little jay. She's slick.

She's a classy little lassie.

A mean little queen.

And although sometimes she's sassy.

And mean.

Just a beautiful romantic she.

Squirrely little girl you see.

She's a knockout.

Kissy little missy, a vain little Jane, but you're sweet.

You're a handy little dandy. Ooh, you're a keen little queen.

And although sometimes she's bossy. Ooh, I never mean.

I'm a fiend for romance with you.

Yes, she's a classy little lassie, a keen little

queen, and oh, sometimes she's classy, she's never mean.

I'm a fool for romance, it's true, more like kisser than you. That's for

me. She is a cutie, that's a little cutie.

Good evening. My name is, um... Uh... My name is, um...

Uh... Think of me.

I wonder if you suffer from a bad memory, because if you do, I've got some

new ideas which may help you. Now, I myself suffer from a bad... a bad... a

thing, and... Good evening. My name... Yes, yes, my name is the same

as it was before, and I'm now going to blow my nose.

Now, you may wonder why I've got a brick in my pocket.

So do I.

Oh, yes, yes, this is known as a mnemonic.

An aid to memory. How does it work?

Ah, yes, of course, yes. Brick reminds me of Dick. Dick reminds me of

Emery. Emery reminds me of memory.

That's it. I've got a very bad brick.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Good evening. My name is... Ah, my name is... Of course, my

name is... My name is Hammer.

My name is Hammer.

My name is Hammerstein. My name is Hammerstein.

My name is...

No, my name is Brick.

Arbor Brick. Arbor Brick.

My name is Arbor Brick, and I am employed by the government as their

Yes, quite. Now, do you know that we lose over two million man -hours a year

to bad memory? Many workers just can't remember what they're supposed to be

making. Last year, we made three million tons of E -type custard.

So what can you do about it? Well, here is the government's latest secret

weapon.

Oh, it's a handkerchief with a knot in it, you see.

How does it work? Well, the knot reminds me of the Boy Scouts, which reminds me

of the Brownies, which reminds me of Doreen Adelson, which reminds me of

knockers, which reminds me of knickers, knickers, twickers, twickers, rugger,

rugger, cricket, cricket, Allen knot, and that reminds me of the knot in my

handkerchief.

Which, of course, in turn, reminds me of the other knot in my handkerchief.

And I haven't the faintest idea what that one is.

So remember our slogan, tie a knot in it, you know it makes sense.

Sometimes I forget a word. Now, one word I always forget, for example, is...

Sorry,

I've forgotten it. So what I do is substitute another word I can remember,

banana, you see. Now, for instance, I went straight into my boss this morning

and I said, I've been working here for 20 years, I jolly well want a banana.

And he gave me one, he gave me one, and here it is. And now I recently painted

some classic pictures entirely from memory, and it really works. Now, look.

Here's one, for instance. You see, there we are.

That's the banana of the glen.

Oh, yes, entirely from memory. And here's the famous Mona banana, of

This one's rather naughty. It's Goya's famous naked banana.

Absolutely peeled. Now, I hope that hint will prove useful. But for those of you

with really bad bananas...

Here's an even more useful aid to memory.

Rhyming. Now, I once went to see my girlfriend wearing this very large nose,

see. Now, that was to remind me to propose, you see. Now, she said, I don't

to marry a man with an enormous nose, so she married a Mr. Crampton in the

finish.

He is a man, of course, with an enormous ice cream business.

And here is one of his cornets, you see.

Corn it, you see, now that, corn it, horn it, horn it, wasp, wasp, sting,

ping, ping, pong.

It reminds me to mend the lavatory. It's simple, isn't it?

Now, what else have I got in my pocket? Well, sometimes, you see, I don't even

know what day it is.

There you are, you see, and that helps me. It's Knickerbocker Day.

No, it's not. It's Chocolate Sunday. The Chocolate Sunday reminds me. Chocolate,

Easter eggs, Easter Monday. Monday, I stepped in a pancake.

Pancake Tuesday, I was in Sheffield. Sheffield Wednesday, lost last Thursday.

Thursday, I went to a fanciest party as Man Friday, so it must be Saturday. You

see?

Simple aid to a better, uh, to a better banana.

Now, if you have any queries, please address them to me at this address,

Sir Thingamy Banana, Ping Pong House, Big Nose Road, Thingamy Under

Knickerbocker, Brickshire.

And don't forget to send a stamp to address Hedgehog. Good banana.

Hello, dear.

Oh, you've got a letter there?

Yes. I've just had the postman. Oh.

I thought you were looking a bit flushed.

Well, with George being away, you see. Yes.

How's he enjoying his week at Clacton, love?

Well, he'll be all right, dear, as long as you don't take too much of that

ozone, darling.

Oh, no.

I shall think knowing George he'll stick to his pipe, won't he?

Shall I make a cup of tea, love? Oh, lovely. Just need that, dear, yeah.

Now, he's saying in the letter here, apparently he was trying to sleep in the

deck chair, snoring, and this fellow woke him up there and demanded 20p.

Oh, dear.

I didn't know they charged you for snoring.

I'm not snoring to you for the deck chair.

Oh, I see. Well, that's quite good. You know, there's six quid in the shops.

Did George give it him?

I think so. They're right over the edge of the deck chair.

Well, you know how hot -blooded he is.

Yes. I thought that was only after he'd had his cocoa of an evening.

So, er...

What's he on about in his letter, then? Oh, he's fine.

Oh, well, that's good, isn't it? No, not good, dear. He's fine, dear.

For hitting the fellow over there with a deck chair, dear. Fine.

£25, dear. For seven days.

Oh, I think you'll make him do the seven days, won't you?

I'm not singing away £25, dear, am I? No. I mean, how long would it take him,

you suppose, to do seven days?

Oh, well, I should think the way he moves about three weeks.

Plus, if you're lucky, a fortnight for bad behaviour.

Oh, we shouldn't laugh at him.

Thinking all that time, dear, without his pipe.

Yeah. Do you think you'll manage?

I'll have to force myself as long as my lungs will stand it. You know what you

want to do?

You want to get an old tin can, set light to a bit of rag, stick it in the

corner and let it smoulder away, just like he does. You never know the

difference.

How do you spell wrong, dear?

R -O -N -G, love.

Now, that doesn't look right.

No, well, it's wrong, isn't it? It won't look right if it's wrong, will it?

No.

Hasn't he got a W in it, do you? R -O -N -G -W. No, that'd be dull, wouldn't it?

No. I tell you what, put incorrect.

You know how to spell that, don't you? Yes, of course I do, yes.

I -N -K -O -R -E -K -T.

That's it, yes.

No, sorry, dear, I'm afraid that doesn't look all that right. Well, look, read

it out to me. I'll see what it sounds like loud -wise. All right.

After all, it was your fault because you was in the incorrect.

Yes, I see what you mean, yes. Well, I'll tell you what, by the time he's

puzzled that out, I'll be out on parole anyway, so what's that about?

I know he's told me, he said, not to send the £25 fine by post, he said, come

down and day at Clatton will do you the world of good, he said. Well, day by the

sea will do us both a pair of good with love.

That's a nice idea. Forget the tea, get your act here, otherwise we'll miss the

away day special.

Oh, good. Are we going down to see George at Clacton? No, we're going to

our 25 quid at Bright... Oh!

George, the tap's leaking, the telly man's repossessed your electric organ,

the dog's done it again. Welcome home.

Me and Lil have gone to Brighton. Your loving wife, Ede.

P .S. Your dinner's down the chip shop. That's charming, isn't it? Down the chip

shop. Have a good day.

You back, George? No, no, still down there, Sid.

uncanny encounters up to third division, see?

Probably due to the time warp on the A33 between Croydon and the coast.

Eh? Of course I'll back your buck.

Has the week gone already, then? Yes.

Time flies, Sidney.

Good thing elephants don't.

I've got it.

Have you?

Have you been anywhere with it?

No, I've got to show it to you first. I don't want to see it.

you interested, didn't I?

I've never had a racing pigeon before.

Racing pigeon?

You bought a racing pigeon?

You don't like birds. You're illogical to feathers, ain't you?

Well, I know that, I know that, but this one was going cheap.

Well, all birds go cheap.

Now, I mean, the fellow only wanted 25 quid for it, and it's a real champion.

Who sold it you?

The fellow down at the pub, you know. Oh, dear. Not that chap who sold you

great big lump of black moon rock.

Yeah, that's him.

The Coleman.

He's done you good, hasn't he? Oh, yes. Yes, he has.

I remember when he sold you that Elizabeth I wristwatch.

Look, George, that was a genuine antique, you know. In the time of

they didn't have digital watches, did they?

Well, that's probably why it didn't work.

I mean, you couldn't ask for more proof than that, could you?

I'll bring it in, then, and let you know. Let's have a look at this

then. Go on.

That's it.

Come on in. Keep coming. That's it.

You're a wee bit nervous, you know what I mean? Yeah. It's highly sprung.

Come on in.

That's it.

That's it.

There we are.

Is it dark?

Eh? Is it dark?

He's a racing pigeon. Oh, gee.

He's got webbed feet, unless you bought a pair of flippers, have you?

Don't go on. That's the feet of his. That's kind of what's named

Well, aerodynamics, that kind of thing, yeah.

Oh, he's a duck. He's done you again, the Coleman, he has. Yes, he has. Yes,

has. I remember that time he told you that day -old golden Labrador pup turned

out to be an hamster.

That was a genuine mistake on his part. Oh, yeah, well, that's his baby. That's

his baby. I shouldn't try and join the pigeon fanciers' association with that

thing, innit?

This is no everyday, ordinary racing pigeon, I tell you. I know, it's an

everyday duck.

It is an Argentinian racing pigeon. Yeah, Argentinian racing codswallop.

he's got a bill instead of a beak, innit?

That's his beak.

It was in one of these night races over the Argentinian pampas.

And he ran into a mountain. That's what's happened to him.

What do you feed him on then?

Fish.

He's a duck.

He's a rising tin... Look, I took him out for a test flight. It flies just

a pigeon. Oh, yeah, fast, is it? Oh, fast. I should say it's not very fast,

As a matter of fact, he was overtaken by a couple of sparrows, but he's got some

stamina. I was out looking for him for hours, I was. Were you? Where did you

find him?

Over the duck pond?

It's a duck, isn't it? It's an Argentinian pig.

Look at the... See, he's waggling the back of himself. Look at that. Look at

that. It's just like a teddy boy's haircut, the back there, isn't it?

Don't say things like that in front of him. Maybe you'll offend him. No, I

if he cares, Sid. It'd be like water off an Argentinian racing pigeon's back to

him.

Has he got a name, has he? Yeah.

Donald.

It's a duck. It's a race... Look, let's be fair, let's face facts, shall we?

Look, it's got waterproof feathers, it's got webbed feet, it's got a bill

instead of a beak, you feed it on fish and you find it on a duck pond.

And it quacks!

It's a duck!

Oh, really? Oh, yeah?

What am I going to do with it now? Well, there's only one thing to do with it,

isn't there, eh? You've got to take it over the park and you give it its

freedom. Tell you what, I'll come with you.

I've got to give the greyhound a run.

Oh, yeah. I'm teaching it to hunt, you know. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, right. Hunt,

watch, ducks.

Now here is a joke which my dear little grey -haired mother used to tell me so

many years ago whenever I had trouble getting off to sleep.

Now, unlike tonight when I'm having trouble staying awake.

But that obviously will give you some idea of how riveting tonight's joke is.

I'll be honest, this story has all the excitement of an overdose of Horlicks.

As usual, I'm afraid it's not entirely new. In fact, the history books show

this joke was originally a big favourite at the court of King Henry VIII.

When you think of it, times haven't changed much either. In those days, if

told bad jokes, you ended up on the chopping block.

Today, you end up in Celebrity Squares. It's just a matter of time.

So, you see, I have had a very sheltered life, and my first rude

awakening to the seamier side of life came one night, strange enough, when I

around a girl's house playing a game of chess.

Now, she'd just got one of her pawns all the way to my end of the board, and I

rather foolishly asked her if she wanted to make a night of it.

Now, we never played.

We never... No groans, please. We never played a lot of chess after that, or

did jokes of that nature either. Anyway, I suppose my strict upbringing was due

in part to the fact that ours was a very pious, religious sort of community.

I remember where we lived, the local Catholic church had to board up the

confessional box.

Every Sunday evening, we all used to gather outside the church and pray for

wicked women.

yes, none of them turned up.

And I shall never forget the day, I shall never forget, you're too good for

show, I shall never forget the day the town's Mormon missionary came round

everyone's door, knocked on the door, he said, all in my life, he said, my life.

Sometimes I don't think his heart was in his job.

No, I should point out, he was actually half Jewish and half Mormon.

His parents came from Salt Beach City.

at 6 .35 next Tuesday and everybody took it so seriously. I remember the

Catholics rushed off and organised the last minute match.

The Anglicans arranged emergency communion services and the local

a closing down sale.

On to the jokes.

Or the one joke, which is all about a rather unlucky young man who is called

to join the Navy. Before he goes, his mother said to him, Clarence, she said.

Clarence. Well, I told you he was unlucky tonight.

She said, whatever you do, wherever you go, don't forget to write and let me

know how you're getting on. So off Clarence goes to war, and he's a little

nervous at first, you know, about getting killed and how it would affect

health.

Well,

we all have to be careful, you know. By rights, I shouldn't strictly be here at

all tonight.

Only last week, I'll be honest, my doctor said, if you do any more of those

stories in that chair, he said.

He said, you're very soon going to get run down.

I said, rubbish. He said, you are if you come near my car.

I'd actually gone along to see him with my nose.

Well, I didn't actually see him with my nose, but that'd be a bit ridiculous.

No, I actually saw him in my eyes, but I had my nose with me at the time.

I was feeling a bit sniffly, so he gave me this jar of incredibly strong vapour

rub. I said, will this clear my nose? He said, it'll probably clear the studio.

So I didn't bother. However, back to Clarence.

Clarence, who's now settled down to naval life.

Excuse me laughing, but I've heard it.

After he's been away for a few months, his mother receives this letter from

which reads, Dear Mummy, he said, because of censorship regulations, I

tell you my whereabouts or where in the world I am. But yesterday we had shore

leave and I shot a polar bear.

Love, Clarence.

That's all right. Everything's all right. A few weeks more go by, and she

another letter.

Dear Mummy, I cannot tell you which part of the world I am in, but we went

ashore again yesterday, and I danced with a hula -hula girl.

Your ever -loving son, Clarence. So, all's fine, until a couple of weeks

she gets the third letter, which reads, Dear Mummy, I still cannot tell you

exactly where I am, but the ship's medical officer visited me today.

and said it would be better if I danced with a polar bear and shot the hula

hula.

Thank you.

I come from Bella Roma and Romano is my name.

Italians get their name from the town from whence they came. So is Marlo from

Milano. I'm from Rome and I'm Romano. It's a rotten shame that I was born in

Florence.

When I was a small bambino, there was never bread and meat.

We were far too poor to eat.

And a wine gum was a treatable for every small bambino. There was lots and lots

of vino. And everyone was dying for a pizza.

Oh, the English senorina liked Italiano John.

And there's not a miss or mom who can stay completely calm. And they all go

raving barmy for a bit of our salami down on Brighton Beach with Mario and

Romano.

Home in Italy, they like to have a vino.

They're always drinking vino, unless it's cappuccino. But now we come to

England, the only drink that we know. It's not the cappuccino, it's just the

cappuccino. I saw a lovely talker.

I should say, so he got it round the pub. We're popular, we're popular along

field, along the sand. We all get tutti frutti. And my winkle's in demand.

Oh, I do like to be beside the sea. Oh, I do like to paddle in the sea.

When I step in the water from, from, from, from, from, all the waves go

around my arm.

An old ice cream seller once offered the choice of strawberry, choc ice, and

vanilla. He got the bad cold which affected his voice.

Strawberry, choc -ice, and vanilla.

He was husky and hoarse, but he wouldn't give in. And when asked if he'd got

laryngitis, he'd grin and reply with a voice like an old rusty tin.

No, just strawberry, choc -ice, or vanilla.

I was swimming in a cold.

On the other side of home, on a little path too far from land I got.

But the day was rather lucky, for I got a hello ducky from a sailor with a

hailer in a yacht.

And he got quite upset when he hauled in his net half a wellington, a halibut

and me.

And he cried, look at that, he's no bigger than a sprout.

And he went and threw me back into the sea.

All the saucy nights you see around the pier. Big fat ladies on the spree around

the pier.

Courting couples down the shore. You'll see what the butlers are all around the

bright and the pier.

There are lots of bathing beauties here around the pier.

You should see the things they wear around the pier.

Some have wraps and some have rings. Some have great big water wings all

the bright and the pier.

© BF -WATCH TV 2021

Cara, carissima, bella, bellissima. Look at the figures they show when they

paddle in. Madeline Sweller, the young Isabella, who isn't a teller, and

is Madeline. You can see Lisa's a bit of a teaser, and Minnie, though skinny, is

rather a dear. Look at Big Betty, who's fond of spaghetti. She's built like a

jetty and married up here. What a variety, what versatility.

Oh, what a remarkable responsibility.

What a delight for our Latin virility.

I've got priority.

I've got ability.

We're Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey.

One, two, three.

Show it, show it, show it, show it, show it, show it, show it. One, easy for me.

Scoozy, scoozy, time for us to go.

Scoozy, scoozy, all the ladies know. For a bit of what they fancy on the prom

around the pier. We've got ice and wax and wrinkles and you'll always find out

here.

Well, that's just about all we have time for tonight, but there are a few late

items of news.

First sport, we have just heard that the Irish Indoor Athletic Championships

have been called off because it's such a nice day.

And good news from the World Masochistic Games, the British team were beaten

into first place.

Meanwhile, Ernest Grimble, the unlucky home improver who put in storage heaters

just before the price of electricity went up, changed to oil just before the

Middle East crisis, and finally installed solar panels, has now, at the

the first quarter, got a bill from God.

The Salford man accused of stealing a rocket appeared in court today with the

rocket hidden up his shirt.

He was acquitted by the magistrates, then let off by the police.

Finally, the recently revealed fears of the Minister of Health that the whole

medical profession were against him were confirmed last night. He fainted in

Whitehall and three doctors rushed up and tightened his clothing.

On next week's programme, we'll be introducing the Croydon and District

Choral Society.

They will be singing Shirley Hathaway's Biggest Bits.

And we'll be hearing how leading show business personalities have been

parts of their anatomy.

If he damages his hands, Liberace will receive £500 a week for life.

If he loses his teeth, Ken Dodd will receive £700 a week for life.

Rudolf Nureyev will get a lump sum on his endowment.