All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s06e04

Good evening, it's good to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

in a packed programme tonight, we'll
talk to the Exeter newlyweds, who this

had their prayers answered for a
honeymoon away from it all, with luxury,

guaranteed quiet and seclusion.

British Leyland have booked them into
the back seats of a rover still on the

production line.

And we'll be talking to two politicians,
one of whom says he wouldn't mind a bit

if more women were in power, whilst the
other says he wouldn't mind a bit and he

doesn't care who's in power.

But first, the news.

Research chemists have finally perfected
the cigarette to replace the pill.

This means that from now on, you can
have smoke without fire.

At Paddington today, the Plymouth line
was subject to delay. The 11 .42 train

was on time, the 15 .29 was a little
late, and the 19 .45 train was very

Passengers received apologies and their
demob suits.

And a survey has been carried out in the
House of Lords to find out what members

think of their counterparts in the House
of Commons. Here are the results.

Lord Hailtham said Jailtham, Lord Dewham
said Thuam, Lord Blackham said

Thackham, and Lord Langham said Hangham.

Lord Wadham is on holiday.

A man appeared at Bingley Magistrate's
Court today

accused of stealing an 18 -pound tin of
bicarbonate of soda.

Police said that he had swallowed the
evidence.

He was remanded into custody pending
very loud reports.

And a 92 -year -old Wigtown man was
married today to an 18 -year -old girl.

the reception afterwards, her friends
gave her a long woolly comforter and his

friends gave him about two months.

And now a sketch about a ball -bearing
factory in which I play a man who loses

his bearings.

It's all right. Don't let the dog in.
No, no, no. It's all right. It's all

right. You're all right. It's all right.
It's all clear now.

I'm awfully sorry about that. I say,
you're in good trim, aren't you? I've

seen anyone reach the top of that ball
standing one bound before, I guess.

Not even the postman. He's had enough
practice, goodness knows.

I didn't do anything to upset him. You
know, I just stood there. I didn't do

anything. I know. I think that's the
trouble. He doesn't like being ignored,

see. No, I don't want to meet him. No, I
don't. I think you should meet him. No,

I don't.

I'll make the tea, dear. Yes. And I've
shut Pong Pong in the kitchen. Oh, thank

you. That'll be fine. Thanks, Fred. What
are you doing? What are you doing?

No, I'm just admiring the shed. It's a
lovely shed, that. It is a nice shed,

I should shut the window because that's
where we keep the bees, you see.

They are about to swarm, unless you are
a bee person. No, I'm not a bee person.

No, no.

Come on. No, come on. I think we'd get
it all the way. I don't like him. As

as he sees that you like me and I like
you, it'll be quite all right. All

He's shut in the kitchen.

He's shut in the kitchen. There he is.
He can see you through the glass panel.

There you are. This is Mr.

Pinsley. Yes. Nice Mr.

Pinsley. Daddy's friend from the
opposite.

Yes. Yes.

He doesn't believe me, does he? No.

This is Eric. This is a good Eric. Nice
Eric Pinsley. Look.

Nice. Nice.

Yes.

Smile. Yes. That's it. Smile.

He'll come and bring you a bone later
on. That's right.

Bye -bye, Pompom. Yes, bye -bye.

There. Is that door shut already? Yes,
absolutely shut. Now, do sit down, won't

you?

That's it. Well, then.

So you're the chap that head office have
chosen to take over from me, are you?

Well, it hasn't, you know, been
confirmed yet. No, no, no. But when it

confirmed, it's poor old yours truly out
on his ear to make room for nice young

Eric Pinsley, is it?

Oh, well, I wouldn't put it like that.
What was that?

Oh, the fish. Yes. The fish.

Very attractive and nice, aren't they?
Well, they're all right. They belong to

the wife. They're all right, I suppose,
if you like piranha.

Piranha!

Now they've heard you. Now they've heard
you. They're chewing the glass to get

at you. Now sit over there.

They won't see you from there because
they're just too short -sighted to see

from there. All right? You sit there in
Henry's chair. You all right?

Yes. Well, now, look. It's the old
guard.

And the new of it, yes. Oh, well, I
mean, Mr.

Wormsley has got to confirm the
appointment, of course. Oh, yes, now,

Wormsley is a man who goes on first
impressions with us.

What's that?

He's got out.

Who? Henry.

Where is he?

You're in his chair, you see.

Don't move, don't move, don't move.

He likes the warmth.

Well, where is he? He's in the
upholstery right underneath you.

Well, what is he? He's a sort of
rattlesnake.

What sort of rattlesnake? A big one.

Don't move a muscle. Don't move a
muscle. Now, listen.

Can you do an impersonation of the
Mexican snake eagle?

No, no. Well, that's a pity.

That is the only thing that makes Henry
keep his head down. Now, I warn you, if

you want to get out of that chair alive,
you must do it perfectly the first

time. All right? It sounds like this.

have to do. Now, stretch your wings out
wide and stick your head forward and

make the noise and come to me. Are you
ready? Go, go.

Come on.

Make sure he wants to see if you love
him. You do not read him out.

Now,

now, look what you've done. Where's he
gone? Well, he could be anywhere in this

shag pile.

Get off, get off. Get in the drinks
cupboard while I reason with him. Oh,

Oh, God, there's a bird through it.

Don't call him a buzzard. Call him
George.

You call him a buzzard, he'll have your
eyes out.

Careful, Doreen.

Don't wake up me.

Mr. Wormsley, dear. Ah, yes. Hello, Mr.

Wormsley. How are you? Nice to see you.

Have you met Eric Pinsley?

Good. Yes, I know, I know.

Didn't I tell you he was as mad as a
hatter and campers a row of tents?

You'd better keep this job.

Ah, thank you very much, Mr. Wormsley.
Not at all.

By the way, I brought old Jumbo with me.

Jumbo? I didn't think I'd know Jumbo.
You know Jumbo?

I hope you don't mind. It's the mating
season. Oh, my God.

Jumbo.

New Piccadilly scheme.

Now, I'm not referring to the new
Piccadilly scheme of 1937.

That's been scrapped.

I'm referring to the brand new
Piccadilly scheme of 1946, in which

becomes a haven for shoppers to use
their ration books.

Now, that's been scrapped.

However, we have produced instead a new
revolutionary plan in which the whole of

London revolves, thus giving everyone a
chance to live in a decent area.

And that's been scrapped.

Instead, we've had to settle for the
whole of Piccadilly revolving, to the

on Monday, to the right on Tuesday, both
ways on Wednesday, and neither way on

Thursday to let the people get on not.

This will bring shops into easy reach,
pleasure to shopkeepers, and nausea to

millions.

There will be a restaurant in which you
can dance, a restaurant in which you can

watch films, and we hope one day to have
a restaurant in which you can actually

eat the food.

Indeed, the whole area will look like a
light...

continental omelette with a split -level
yachting marina decorated with army

surplus boots, which will draven up the
smartness of London's West End.

And, of course, there will be several
places where you can go for a pizza.

There will be large gay shopping
facilities for large gay shoppers.

And all the shops will be screwed to the
ground as a precaution against

shoplifting.

We shall, of course, continue to take
checks, providing you can show a wallet,

driving licence, a credit card, or
anything that you could have stolen at

same time as you stole the checkbooks.

And speaking of shopping, there will be
none of this closing just as people are

coming out of work. No, no, shops will
open just as people come out of work,

stay open all night and close just as
people are getting up.

Thus giving shop assistants ample
opportunity to do their shopping while

shops are closed.

And if that doesn't make sense to you,
you're probably of above average

intelligence. Now, D -Ross will be
completely taken away and replaced by a

-size model of Angela Rippon.

which will be used as a traffic
indicator for Soho, with the green and

yellow lights on top, and, of course,
the red light covering the no -go area.

Now, there will be several saunas, and
these will be topless. In other words,

roof.

There will be a Mary Quant topless
massage parlour, but this will be for

quantity surveyors only, of course.

There will be a groaning parlour, yes.

And there will also be a Tony Benn
massage parlour.

for rubbing people up the wrong way.

The colour scheme for the whole area
has, in fact, been chosen by Mary Quant.

It's a rather exciting, go -ahead,
uncompromising, brownie sort of fawn mud

colour.

Or sludge.

Two and a half miles of the city will be
demolished, thus giving the tourists

standing in Piccadilly an uninterrupted
view of the office blocks covering St

Paul's Cathedral.

And, of course, the bird droppings
covering the office blocks.

Thank you, madam. And, of course, a
couple of things for motorists. Bollard.

Now, the Irish parking system will be
adopted using green lines instead of

yellow ones.

One green line will mean you can't park
there at all, and two green lines will

mean you can't park there at all at all.

And a nice modern touch, there will be a
place for shoppers to relax. It's a

special feature to retain the Soho image
with deep, plush, lush, scarlet, double

-sized settees.

And there you have it.

Finally, finally some good news. I
personally presented the scheme to the

Minister yesterday and he said to me, my
dear Minister, it is amazing.

I don't know what we'd do without you.
But starting on Monday, we're going to

try.

Iggy Malone and Charlie Farley have
travelled to a remote Devonshire village

search of clues to the Yokels' murders.

They have taken lodgings at Darkling's
Farm, run by the fat and friendly

farmer's wife.

There, Piggy meets Lucy Lee, a wild and
passionate gypsy maiden who warns him of

black mass rituals and other strange
goings -on in the churchyard.

Charlie goes to investigate.

but seconds later is fleeing from a
ghostly, shrouded figure.

Next morning, Charlie tells his dim
-witted boss the whole story.

Of course, it was frightening.

I'm sure it was a fake, you know.

You know, somebody under a white sheet
or something like that. But I thought of

a way of proving it. I'm going to make a
ghost trap.

What else?

Ah, that's the problem.

Where do you think the nearest do -it
-yourself shop is?

The exit, I think that's 20 miles away.
How are you going to get there?

But I was talking to the farmer's wife
about them.

Amazing woman, isn't she?

Double portions of everything, you know.

Yes, I had noticed.

What about this bus, then?

She says the trouble is they only run
Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, you

know. You can sometimes wait for ages,
then they all come at once, you know.

On the Saturday.

Well, that's no good, then, is it?

Oh, but don't you worry yourself. I'll
find somewhere.

I'll, you know, have a little scout
around in the tractor shed with lots of

and pieces. I'll cook something up. What
are you going to do, Chief?

Well, I'm going to have a prowl around
as well. I get the feeling we're being

watched, and I want to catch them at it.

Then I should question a farmer's wife.

There's more to her than meets the eye,
you know.

That's saying something.

I reckon if I get her in the right mood,
we could cover quite a bit of ground.

Now just you be careful.

I don't want you falling off anything
and hurting yourself.

What's you?

Oh, what do you want to do that for?

I thought you was a prowler.

I also thought you were facing the other
way.

Well, if you have to do it so hard, you
might have bashed my brains out.

I mean, I wouldn't, would I?

What are you doing here, anyhow?

I got some at a telly.

Come and sit down in the hay.

Now, now, don't start all that again.
Why in the hay? Well, it's the only

I can sit down at the moment, innit?

Yes, I'm sorry about that.

Now listen and concentrate on what I'm
going to say.

You see this?

That be gypsy gold.

Real gold.

Old gold.

Not rolled gold.

Real old gold.

Now I want you to watch it.

listen to my voice and watch the goal
swing to and fro.

Now you're getting drowsy.

You're nodding off.

You're a little nuddy.

Your eyelids is drooping.

Your head is drooping.

Everything's drooping.

You are asleep, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

Now, listen to me.

You must never go near the graveyard,
for a demon lurks there, and he will

devour you.

Do you hear me?

I do.

The demon is a fearsome, horrible thing.

Repeat after me.

It's big, and it's black, and it's
furry, and I'd be afraid of it.

It's big and it's black and it's furry
and I'd be afraid of it.

When you awake, you will remember
nothing, but in your heart you will

What is this fearsome demon? Tell me.

It's big and it's black and it's furry
and I'd be afraid of it.

Well said.

Don't be a fool, Piggy.

What art thou?

A piggy.

Ah, a piggy to be sure.

I'd stand on all fours like a piggy.

You will sleep for a while.

But remember, when you awake, you will
remember nothing except this.

All I need now is the little spring to
return the fluctuator to its original

position.

What's all that?

Well, it's my ghost trap.

I think I did rather well.

Because you know my mechanical bent?

Oh, dear, did it?

My aptitude.

Look, come and have a look. All it is,
it's quite simple. It's compressed air,

you see?

Blows the sheet right off. Very good,
isn't it?

My favourite bit's the little wizard.

Yeah, where did you get that?

I've had that in my suitcase since we
went to that annual dinner last year,

know. What dinner?

The private investigator's annual
dinner, remember?

When we pulled these little crackers at
the dining table.

There weren't any girls at that dinner.
It was a stag do.

Hey, boss, are you all right?

You look a bit rough.

Yes, I feel a bit rough. I went into the
barn and I sort of lost track of time.

The barn?

You weren't hobnobbing with that gypsy
girl... What's her name?

Lucy?

It's big and it's black and it's furry
and I'd be afraid of it.

I'm going to keep it that way, too, if
you've got any sense.

Plan. Just shut up.

All we've got to do, Chief, is to set
this up in the graveyard.

And tonight, we'll be waiting for them.

Are our heroes any nearer to solving the
yokel murders?

Are they really on to something big? And
if so, is it the farmer's wife?

Find out next week.

In another exciting episode of Stop,
You're Killing Me.

Oh, darling.

Yes. I'm so happy. Are you, darling? Are
you really, really happy? Are you? Just

being here with you. Yes. Here,
together, alone. I know, darling.

I know.

A word in your ear, John. Now, look
here.

Look here. Who the devil are you?

A little bit delicate, John. A little
bit delicate. I've got a little bit of

business you might just be interested
in.

Darling, what is all this? Don't worry,
darling. I have a way of dealing with

these Jehovah's Witnesses.

Turn it up, John. Turn it up. Do you
mind if we sit down and talk about this?

Like sensible people. All right?

Not too loud, though. You know what I
mean?

You know what wolves have got, don't
you?

Sausages.

Ears, John, ears, John. Here we are.
Little newspaper cutting. Cast your eyes

over there. What is this?

At last, relief from embarrassing
itching. Well, what does it do?

Other side, John, other side.

Well, the Baroness kidnapped.

Whereabouts of Lady Amelia Withers still
unknown.

Well, what's that got to do with me?

Lady Amelia Withers, John, don't that
name ring any bells for you at all?

Your wife, darling?

Yes, I know she's my wife, darling, but
what's she got to do with me?

What are you after, you little creep?
Perhaps I could make myself a little bit

clearer. A lock of her hair.

A lock of her hair? Where the devil did
you get that?

Oh, for her head, of course.

Well,

I believe you. You are the chap who
captured my wife and locked her up, yes?

it in one. You're a very smart boy. Now,
what have you got to say to that?

Well done.

I understand you're going to be shocked
in the first place in the passage of

time. I beg your pardon?

I said, well done. I'm very glad that
you've taken the old battle axe off my

hand. Your hands are so smooth, my
darling. Look, mate, you can plead till

you're blue in the face for her return,
but unless the 50 grand go to the table,

your dear wife stays where she is, I
tell you that, mate. You know, your skin

like milk, darling. It really is like
milk. You don't seem to understand my

argument, John.

Look, look, your wife is a prisoner in
my secret hideout. What secret hideout?

Oh, what's it? The secret hideout. Oh,
you wouldn't know where it is. Could be

anywhere in town. Need not be in this
country. Maybe right out the... Maybe

anywhere in the world, my secret
hideout. And you will never know where

secret hideout is, will you? And
supposing I don't pay up?

Out she goes, through the window,
straight into the Catford sewage works.

Now, look, John, don't play any games
with me, please.

Don't play games. I can get very ugly.
Now, look, I realise that you and your

daughter here may very well want her
ladyship back into the bosom of the

Look, just push off, will you, you
arrogant little ponce, and leave us

Look, once and for all, John, do you
want your ladyship back or not?

No.

Look, I want a straight answer, John. I
don't want any...

Look, how can I impress upon you the
fact that I don't want her back? To me,

she's a fat, ugly, lazy old bore with a
face like a yak's backside and a

backside like a yak's face.

I have no wish to see the grizzled old
toe rag ever again in all my puff.

Is that understood?

All right, you want time to consider it,
I understand.

Just clear off, will you? Squib
features, we're trying to eat a meal.

Look, I'm a reasonable man, John.

And on account of the comments you have
made, I am completely prepared to

reconsider my original figure of 50
grand.

Well, I'm prepared to make a new offer.
What is your new offer?

50p.

Get lost, will you? Some more Matthews
here.

Look, John, you whilst... She's bleeding
driving me mad back there, you know. I

can't take much more of it. Knit her
naturally and on, she's got a voice like

glue factory.

You should have thought of that before
you kidnapped her, shouldn't you?

All right, then what do you want to take
her back, then?

A thousand pounds.

Grand, you want your head tested, you
can't... I think I should warn you that

wife takes quite a fancy to small men.

Having been denied her conjugal rights
up to now, there's no telling what might

happen when Saturday night comes round.

I've only got about £27 in here.

I haven't paid the rent or anything,
I've got the shop... Just keep going.

Would you?

You drive a hard bargain, John, don't
you?

I want this to be a lesson to you, I
tell you that.

Nobody makes me look silly, I tell you
that.

Hold it, young man.

The Nolan sisters.

Chattanooga choo -choo Track 29 Boy, you
can give me a shine

I can afford to board the Chattanooga
choo -choo Yeah,

yeah I got my fare And just a trifle to
spare We'll

leave the Pennsylvania station by the
corner to four Book the magazine and

to Wimbledon Mall

And you know

he's gonna die Until I tell him that
I'll never

Won't you choo -choo me ho Go keep on
shoveling the coal in

We just gotta keep it rolling Keep on
shoveling the coal in

Woo -woo Chattanooga, woo -woo
Chattanooga We'll have dinner in the

the way to Carolina You know nothing
could be finer

you do to me

Thank you, the Nolan sisters.

Aren't they lovely?

They are, they're lovely.

Fancy having six daughters, you know,
all talented, popular, you know, and

working. Now, that is what I call family
planning.

Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Nolan.

Actually, he is not here at the moment.

He always goes home when they're
working, you know, because it is only

get in the bathroom.

I can sympathize with them, although my
daughters are still schoolgirls, you

know. Well, I think they are.

About six months ago, we let them go to
one of these modern schools, you know,

where the kids turn up when they feel
like it.

I don't think they've actually been
there yet.

How things have changed since my days at
the old Martin Borman Comprehensive.

What a school that was.

I remember on Founder's Day, the school
cadets fired a salute and shot 28 of us.

And we had to do all our writing on
slates.

On a wet day, kids used to be dropping
off that roof like flies.

But I digress.

What I really want to tell you is a very
funny story about an ice skating event.

Now, I want you to imagine the scene.

By the way, this is something of an
occasion for me, because I very seldom

stories about sporting events, because
I'm not.

naturally, you know, a sporting person.

Something to do with my size, I suppose.

I blame my father, really.

Every morning he used to give me a penny
and say, there's a good boy.

Don't laugh too much, please.

Don't laugh too much. Remember, if it
wasn't for the likes of me, you'd all be

getting lumpy flour.

To be perfectly honest, I'll admit that
I actually spent my early formative

years at a pretty soft school, you know,
for pretty soft kids. Good heavens, at

St. Pansy's Primary, you could have a
reign of terror with a balloon on a

I was actually the captain of the school
embroidery team.

And looking back, I'd say that...

Pansies was never really sports
-orientated, you know. When we played

football, you know, our school strip was
grey overcoats and black galoshes.

And our trainer was the district nurse.

I often think we must have been an
inspiring sight, you know, as we swept

the field in our 4 -2 -1 formation, you
know. It's a pity we never had the ball

with us.

On a good day, we used to get beaten
about 100 -0, partly because our

could only ever get one hand to the
ball, you know.

because his mother would be holding the
other one.

Now, at half -time, we used to have a
bowl of bread and milk and a good cry.

We were so nervous that if we were given
a penalty, we'd let one of them take it

for us.

Sometimes we used to stay out there
during half -time and pew -to -pew, you

know, through our own goal, you know, so
the other team would like us when they

came back on again.

And the teachers were just as soft.

I remember the master who took us for
sex education.

He was so shy, he used to shut himself
in a cupboard and shout, some do and

don't.

And for the more advanced students, he
used to put on a black stocking and

his leg out of the door and shout,
hello, sailor.

Anyway, the joke.

A scene you may remember is an
international skating competition.

The music starts and the first
competitor glides onto the ice, races

rink gathering speed, jumps 10 feet in
the air and lands flat on his back.

While the crowd of international
spectators gasp, Sacre bleu, Donner und

Blitzen. Bloody hell.

And the competitor gets to his feet and
goes straight into a double axle at

racing speed with a floy floy and crash,
down he goes again.

Again, the international crowd gasps.

Get off.

Up he gets, and down he goes again. Up,
down. He just can't do a thing right.

The music stops eventually, and the
international judges hold up their

Albania, nought.

Germany, nought.

France, nought.

Brixton, nought.

Well, the crowd go mad, and eventually
have to be put in a home.

And the chief adjudicator, whose
nationality is a mystery, you know,

I've almost run out of accents, he
turned to the Irish judge and said, what

you doing, he said, you Irish nit. He
said, what are you doing?

Fourteen times he's fallen over, he's
cracked the ice in three places, why

you given him ten marks?

And the Irish judge said, oh, I taught
you to do very well, it's very slippy

there, you know.

How's den?

How's den?

Down the place where the child's den.
We're here!

When you come down to this venue,
there'll be love on the menu in house

Crazy, crazy, Juliet hasn't left school
yet. Mandy, Bandy, and Mitzi is

terribly ticklish. When you come down to
the venue, there'll be love on the

menu. In -house tonight, in -house
tonight, in -house tonight. Oh,

Boogie. Oh, Boogie.

Oh, Boogie.

Welcome to my hotel.

Good old George.

Where's the dragon? She's outside.

Dear old Jack. Where's the beanstalk?

At her mother.

No wonder you were playing about with
that wonderful piece of rolling stock,

What a marvellous creature. Plenty there
for both of us. Oh, don't worry.

Something much more streamlined is due
in any moment.

And there she is now.

Ah, what a first -class carriage. And
wearing the rare reporter's dream, trunk

and hold -all.

What's her name? Her name's Angela, and
she's here for the tennis.

Ah, so what? I'm here for the golf, and
I don't intend to play it all night.

Anyway, my wife and I are sharing the
same sleeper. Now, there's a lad. Why

don't you waylay the old dragon, and I
try and sweep this gal off her feet? I

couldn't possibly fail to disagree with
you less.

Haven't we met before?

I don't know.

Have you ever been to crew station?

Never. That's where we've never met
before.

You're teasing me.

I know.

I love to tease. You love to tango?
Adore it. Shall we? Yes.

Tango teaser.

You are my little tango teaser.

And when I meet a tease, I squeeze her
until her eyes pop out and start

to roll about.

Tango teaser.

I do my best.

To pet and please her. I limitate the
tower of Pisa. Except that when

we sway, I lean the other way.

I'm gymnastic.

But when I dance, the light's fantastic.

I've got a kiss that melts elastic.

wants my bedroom teaser.

If I can ditch my daft old geezer, I'll
be there right away.

Get out and on your way, old lady.

And as for you, young woman, come with
me.

I'm going to give you a peek at my mind.
Everything running smoothly?

Not a bit of it, old boy. I'm afraid
I've had to rearrange the whole

The wife came in. I had to cancel my
connection.

What she needs is a swift kick in the
luggage compartment.

What she needs is locking in the luggage
compartment on the fast train to

Inverness. Not a bad idea.

Do you think it's possible?

Boopsie, where's the dragon now? She's
upstairs unpacking her large twunk.

The very thing. One quick push. No time
like the present.

Oh, Boopsie, don't go, don't go.

Come and sit on my knee. I just did. We
fell over. Oh, come on. Show a little

affection. I told you more than that
last time I fell over.

I don't know what I'm going to do about
you. I really don't.

Since I first met you, I can't forget
you. I want you for my own, but you

be hurried. You got me worried.

You always want to be alone, but I must
arrange, dear, for you to change, dear.

and see my point of view.

For you suggest, dear, all that is best,
dear, the things that I like. I like

you.

You remind me of a slice of treacle
tart.

I'd love to take a bite right out of
you.

You're as pretty as a cost among this
cart.

Succulent as Irish stew with dumplings.

When you stand there with your hands
before your face, you remind me of the

clock in Waterloo.

Yet what is so ironic? You wanted kept
platonic. What am I going to do about

you? You're an absolute piz on the dance
floor in that low -fronted dress that

you wear.

And when we do the big apple, Mary Mark,
what a beautiful pair they are.

You remind me of the waiting room at
Stoke. You're friendly, you're warm, and

you are dark.

And when you wear that dress with
flowers around the yoke, you remind me

James' Park last Thursday.

You're as sparkling as the Crystal
Palace, jazzy as a corresponding jewel.

My brain is in a whirl, if only you
weren't a girl. What am I going to do

you? You say that you must be home
early, that staying out late isn't fun.

Yet when you went racing with Curly, You
came home a -twenty to one hot

favorite. You remind me of the Lord Mare
show, cause I think you're the biggest

thing in town.

You're just like a book by Edgar Allan
Poe. When I pick you up, I just can't

you down till bedtime.

We're beside ourselves, we're jumping up
and down, behaving like the monkeys in

the zoo.

So maybe we should start a band -aid.
It's great for a happy ending.

That's the only thing to do.

That's what I'm gonna do about you You

upstairs with the old dragon.

Absolute pushover. Wonderful. Don't miss
her train.

She's on her way down now in the lift.
In the trunk. In the trunk, in the lift.

The taxi will be here any moment, old
beast. Well done, old fruit. This calls

for some bubbly. Boopsy, bubbly. And now
to start really living. Come on, let's

have a nice golf foursome to start with.
You won't see a terrible game. All

right, we'll play that.

Come on.

Halstead, Halstead.

That's a real game.

Blues off. Keep dancing your shoes off.

Well, that's all we have time for this
week, but here are some late items of

news. Last night at the Excelsior
Ballroom, Kilburn, during request time,

Shamrock Show Band was asked to do
something typically Irish, so they dug

car park.

And there was an incident in a Walsall

Topless bar tonight.

when a member of the Campaign for Real
Ale said the beer was all right, but his

waitress was flat.

Whilst in London's West End tonight, a
Scotsman died of starvation on the back

seat of a pay -as -you -leave bus.

Les Grout, the only man ever to play in
an all -ladies soccer team, said tonight

that he was very happy after his first
week with his new club.

He scored three times this evening, once
in the match and twice in the show.

Next week we'll be meeting the man who
crossed a derby winner with a

nymphomaniac and got a racing certainty.

And we'll be talking to the song and
dance man who yesterday put on a happy

face, buttoned up his overcoat, pulled
on his fancy pants and zippered his

doodah.

So until then, it's goodnight from me.
And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

Goodnight.