All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s06e02

Good evening. It's good to be back with
you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is.

And in a packed program tonight, we
shall be reading excerpts from the book

written by a man who tried to carry a
refrigerator from Athens to

and gave himself a hernia.

It's called A Fridge Too Far.

And then we hope to talk to Mr. Tiny
Adcock, who spent his entire working

in the circus, clearing up after the
elephants.

He'll be telling us how, as a child, he
took his first steps in the business.

But first, the news.

England's team for the World Cup was
finally chosen today.

It's Holland.

Peter. Peter and Margaret Nibbs, the
newly married mountaineers, today made

unsuccessful attempt on the north face
of the Matterhorn and two successful

attempts back at the hotel.

And there was traffic confusion at
London Airport this morning when Raquel

popped in.

There was total chaos later when she
popped out.

This afternoon, Mr Callaghan left on a
tour of friendly countries.

He'll be back tomorrow.

And today came news that geneticists at
Cambridge have crossed an elephant with

a contortionist musician to get a four
-ton version of Andre Previn that can

tickle its own ivories.

And finally, speaking today at the
Weymouth Women's Institute, an unmarried

mother of three blamed her situation on
the fact that she was sheltered too much

when younger.

First in the bus shelter, then an old
aileron.

Then the sketch which follows.

I play three major roles.

And I play one small role, two tea cakes
and a very long piece of French bread.

An eightpenny ice cream cornet, please.

What flavour?

Er, cheese and onion.

Cheese and onion? We don't have cheese
and onion.

All right, then.

Smoky bacon?

They don't have smoky bacon, either.
They don't make ice creams in them

flavours. Well, you used to have. We
didn't. Well, what have you got, then?

We've got strawberry, chocolate,
vanilla, dairy, vanilla, nut sundae,

whip, Cornish cream, plum surprise,
rhubarb full, knickerbocker glory,

toffee, brittle neapolitan,
cosmopolitan, marshmallow, spearmint,

continental, orange, lemon, lime,
lychee, pineapple, pomegranate and ugly

Is that all?

Yeah, that's all, yeah.

I'm sure you used to do salt and
vinegar. No, no, we never did salt and

ever. You used to do. No, we didn't.
Never ever since I worked here have we

salt and vinegar ice cream. Well, how
long have you worked here then? Three

weeks. I've never ever done salt and
vinegar ice cream.

Well, I think you're deluding yourself.

You do now. All right, I'll have
something else.

Sorry, what did you say you had again?

We've got strawberry, vanilla,
blueberry, blackberry, gooseberry, fall

shallot, marmalade, onion, lemon,
glycerin and menthol, sugared almond,

apricot, seed of knock of glory, banana,
collard green, grapefruit, grapefruit,

bright water and green gage jelly.

Do you serve any of those without walnut
chippings?

No, we haven't got no walnut chippings,
but you could have them without

chocolate sprinkle.

I don't like chocolate sprinkle. I only
like them without walnut chippings.

Well, we haven't got any walnut
chippings, so you can't have them

chippings, can you? Well, you don't seem
to have anything, do you? You haven't

got smoky bacon, you haven't got cheese,
none. Look, they don't make ice cream

in them flavours. I've told you that
before.

Oh, all right, I'll have something
different. I'll have a packet of crisps.

flavour? Raspberry ripples.

Good evening.

My name is Jimmy Dimwitty.

Now, I want to talk to you tonight about
the work of an important consumer

organisation called the Anti -Shoddy
Goods Committee.

Now, the purpose of the Anti -Shoddy
Goods Committee is to protect the public

from the crafty baddies who are selling
goods that are grotty, dirty, dowdy,

gaudy or shoddy.

Now, let's take an example.

Supposing you go into a pet shop and
they try to sell you a mangy corgi or a

pudgy budgy or a namby -pamby -bamby
that you think is a ruddy pansy.

Don't get... Valley Huffy with a shop
assistant champion. Just come along to

and in a jiffy, if you're lucky, we'll
thrash out the nitty -gritty and clear

the hanky -panky.

We love the hurly -burly of a juicy argy
-bargy, and we will not shilly -shally

until all is hunky -dory.

And the same applies to buying a house.
We are the people to complain to if an

estate agent tries to sell you a filthy,
slummy semi with a nasty, sooty

chimney, and a toxic, turby study in a
gloomy, dingy lobby that's as nifty and

smelly as a privy in a navy.

Or a baby in a nappy.

Or a carzy in Benghazi.

A lot of complaints we receive, of
course, are about food in restaurants.

The other day, a man came in and told us
that he'd taken his wife out to dinner

at the West End, and he'd ordered a
sukiyaki with some really spicy chutney

a cup of milky coffee and a scrummy
chocky vicky.

A pointy -toity flunky with a gravy on
his dick, he brought them yucky -tooty

-fruity and it didn't have a cherry.

Then they found a creepy crawly and
committed harikiri and a sticky roly

on the mutton sweeties of it.

And the cherry wasn't beefy and the
turkey was all tacky and the plate of

minestrone tasted more like cock -a
-leekie.

His tummy felt quite rummy, for the cap
he was so sleazy he contracted beriberi.

He was feeling mighty queasy.

When he went to spend a penny, he felt
such a silly billy, because he couldn't

dilly -dally, it just happened willy
-nilly.

Well, you see, he was looking very
peaky, he was feeling very grotty, and

spent all day on Sunday sitting sadly on
the potty, so he came along to ask the

Anti -Shoddy Goods Committee.

And we told him very plainly why he felt
so ruddy. Shocking.

So if you've bought a whiskey and it's
made you rather frisky, or just a little

cookie that's looking for some nookie,
or if you're feeling dicky and if dicky

takes the mickey, or if you're feeling
in the pinky and pinky's feeling perky,

and if perky's feeling rocky and rocky
feeling kinky, then you'll all be very

lucky if you don't end up in Chokey.

You can do the hook. If you

think that'll do any good by golly, you
must be pretty silly, ruddy,

crazy, or just jolly sloppy. Nighty
-nighty.

The yokel murders.

Discovering the bodies of several yokels
dressed identically had aroused the

suspicions of our two heroes, Piggy
Malone and Charlie Farley.

Arriving at the remote Devonshire
village of Drake's Bottom in search of

they had taken lodgings at Darkling's
Farm.

Welcomed with great warmth by the
farmer's wife, they prepared for bed.

Charlie was the first to receive an
unexpected visitor.

But Piggy's intruder was an even more
startling surprise.

After the initial shock, Piggy sprang
into action.

He knew he'd become the pawn in some
deadly game, and he had to work fast.

Stuffing the body under the bed, he was
about to go and get Charlie when fate

gave our story another twist.

Lucy Lee, the gypsy girl, a wild,
passionate child of nature, whose body

vibrated with the joys of life, and
whose heart was a fortress, flanked by a

couple of fairly hefty turrets.

Brave indeed was the man who was
prepared to do battle with her, and on

particular night, her big guns were
pointing at Piggy.

And Piggy, dumbfounded, could only
wonder at the shape of things to come.

Who are you?

I'm Lucy Lee, daughter of Ishmael Lee,
king of the gypsies. Well, what do you

want? It's a bit late to come round
selling clothes pegs, isn't it?

Here.

You've got a drink.

Oh, it'll be cold.

I should think you are in that dress.

Here you are.

Oh, thank you.

Come on in, sit down.

Oh,

it's lovely.

That's warm the cockles of me heart,
that is.

It's wonderful for warming your cockles,
that is.

They still look pretty cold to me.

Now, listen, would you mind telling
me... So fast, what's your hurry?

People said I got nice eyes.

It's not a question of eyes, is it?

What do you think of my body?

Oh, it's your body, is it? Where did you
get it from?

I've always had it, ever since I was a
baby.

Oh, my.

This ginger wine has made me feel quite
tipsy.

That ginger wine happens to be neat
whiskey.

Oh, dear.

I'll just lie back here for a minute.

Come on, you as well.

What are you talking about? Good Lord.

It's George Merrifield.

Is he dead?

Now, just a minute, just a minute. How
do you know that it's George Merrifield?

You can't see his face.

I know his boots. He never used to take
them off.

Madam, I must know why you're here.

I've come to tell you of impending
danger to you and yours.

Oh, I see. It's the gypsy's warning, is
it?

Shouldn't I be crossing your hand with
silver?

Or in this case, your leg?

These parts is bedevilled.

Take heed of a poor gypsy girl and
listen to her drunken words.

Black must do a bound here.

And initiations in the churchyard.

And the de -flowering of maidens.

Get away while the going's good.

But not before you've given up your
cuddle.

I was going to tell Charlie all about
this. He's up there on his own. He'll

never sleep a wink.

This is all very nice, Lucy, but I
really think you ought to go, you know.

If the farmer's wife caught me, she'd
give me what for?

She'd give you what for anyway if you'd
give half a chance.

Yes, I don't intend to.

Come on.

We can continue this at some later date.

Oh, I'm just not sure if I can.

I feel so drunk.

Where's my shoes?

I've a good mind to get out myself, you
know.

It's all getting a bit far -fetched,
this.

Oh, don't worry. No harm will come to me
as long as you don't interfere.

Have you seen my other shoe?

Here you are.

Listen, what makes you so sure that I'm
safe?

I'd be a gypsy.

I don't know about these things.

You've got a lucky face.

I think that's a matter of opinion.

All right, then.

Now I'm going to make you lucky all
over. Here we go.

Chief, have you got a woman in there?

No.

It's the radio.

Well,

would you mind just listening to it, not
bouncing up and down the bed with it?

Oh,

I'll speak to you in the morning.

Now, if you don't mind, Elsie and I will
get back to bed.

Elsie? Yes, Elsie.

Great big silly thoroughbred bitch.

There

you

are. You've got to keep your strength
up, you naughty boy.

Chief, she's after you and all.

I know, but what am I going to do about
it?

Well, you can discourage her. That's
what you can do.

You've got enough in your hands with a
little gypsy girl as it is.

Up half the night.

I'm surprised you've got the strength to
lift that knife and fork.

Look, I've just explained about all
that, haven't I?

What worries me is that the body under
the bed has disappeared, as well as the

gypsy girl. When I woke up this morning,
they were both gone.

got the key to her room, she might have
popped in in the middle of the night.

Then she would have seen the gypsy girl,
wouldn't she?

She'd never have allowed that. She'd
have been on me like a ton of bricks.

If you'd been on your own, she'd have
been on you like a ton of bricks.

No, she saw you all right. Saw you both,
as a matter of fact. That's what she

meant, don't you see, when she just said
there, you naughty boy and all that

belting around the face with these great
fists of hers.

So you reckon she took the body, eh?

Well, must have done, mustn't she?

Why? Why? I mean, you know, she's not...
Is she in it for the money?

She don't need money, not with all this
land and cattle.

I mean, you can't say she doesn't look
well -fed, can you?

No.

She covers a pretty big acreage.

Priced a rump steak today, she's sitting
on a fortune.

There's only one thing to do. I have to
go and investigate this black mass in

the churchyard.

See if the gypsy's warning's true.

I have to go after dark.

What, on your own?

Yeah, a better amount. really. You stay
here and look for the body.

You know, on my own, because I can be,
you know, a bit more light -footed than

you, you know.

You can be a bit clumsy.

Clumsy?

No, I didn't mean clumsy. I didn't mean
that, sorry. It's just that the two of

us, you know, two of us will make twice
the noise.

See what I mean? If I go and moan, you
know, I can be quiet and delicate.

What is the secret of the black man?

Where has the gypsy girl gone to?

Just how big is the farmer's wife's
smallholding?

Find out next week in another exciting
episode of Stop!

You're killing me!

I wonder why he did it.

Eh?

I wonder why he did it.

Who? God.

God? Yeah, God, yeah.

Oh, God.

Did what?

All this.

Watney's did all this.

I'm not talking about the pub, you book.

I'm talking about the heavens and the
earth and the mountains and the seas and

the fish that swim in the seas and the
birds that fly in the air and the

creatures that crawl upon the dust and
the plants that groweth out of the

I don't know.

Big project, wasn't it, eh? Well, not
for him, it wasn't. I only took him six

days. Yeah.

Marvellous, isn't it, that, eh? That's
marvellous, that, his six days.

Took the council six months to put a
toilet in me bathroom.

And after he'd done it all, he flooded
it. Yeah.

Same thing happened in my bathroom.

To top it all, to top it all, he created
us.

In his own likeness. I can't accept
that.

It says that in the book, doesn't it? In
his own likeness. Well, we can't all be

like him, can we, eh? I mean, I doubt
very much if you're like him.

I mean, I can't imagine a God with
national health teeth and piles.

The medical term for it is asteroid.

Yeah, I know that, I know that.

You see, I reckon where God made his big
mistake was to give us a head.

Now, if I was God, now I'm not God,
don't get me wrong. No, no.

If I was God, if I was God, I would do
away with the head altogether.

Knock it on the headlight.

I would incorporate the eyes, nose and
mouth in the chest.

But listen, if you got rid of the head,
where would I put my grass helmet?

Well, I've got a couple of suggestions.

Cut your attic for once.

They tried this getting rid of the head
before, you know. When? During the

French Revolution.

Only most of the patients died.

Now, I'm talking about a complete
rethink design -wise. Because you've

been very hot and do -it -yourself,
haven't you? Yeah, yeah.

And another thing I'd give us, I'll tell
you what else I'd give us and all, and

that is a third eye.

In case the other two went in a blink,
you mean.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, if you was God, now, you're not
God, I know that. No, no, fair enough.

if you was God, where would you put that
third eye?

Very difficult, isn't it?

You know, loads of places where you, you
know, could put it, isn't it?

Put it in your belly button, couldn't
you?

That's no good. You'd be blinded by your
vest.

Where are you going to put it, then?

On the end of your pointing finger.

Well, think of the things you could do
with it. You could go like that, look

round the corner.

I was coming, so he did bump into you.
You could look over an eye wall like

that, couldn't you?

You could look behind you like that.

You could even look down your own ear
like that.

You could even look down other people's
ears and all like that.

Yeah, it's true.

Mind you, listen, what happened to you
short -sighted? You couldn't have little

glasses in the end of your film.

But you'd be less short -sighted by the
length of your arm.

There's a lot of things you could do
with it.

Mind you, on the other hand, there's a
lot of things you have to stop doing

it.

Yeah,

there is a lot of things.

There were a lot of things.

Wearing gloves for a start.

Yeah, rolling your own, dialling
telephone numbers. No, that would be all

see, because if you was left -handed,
you could put them on your right -hand

point of finger. If you was right
-handed, you could put them on your left

point of finger, see? Yeah, that would
be handy, in case you were to remain

ambiguous, you mean.

Ambidextrous.

Ambidextrous? I thought that was a
mouthwash.

Oh, is it? Yeah.

It would be wonderful, wouldn't it, to
be all -powerful, totally in control of

all, you know, to be God, to be totally
in control of everything, wouldn't it,

in that way? Yeah, yeah. Go to your
head, though, wouldn't it?

Well, it couldn't do. You wouldn't have
one, you see.

You see, your eye, this time, is on the
end of your finger. Of course it is,

yes, on the end of your pointy finger.
That's right.

I forgot that, yes.

It's a...

Ooh!

I see suspenders are back in fashion.

Delta Tango 1 to Foxtrot Whiskey Bravo.
Over.

Foxtrot Whiskey Bravo receiving. Go
ahead, Delta Tango 1.

Over.

What do you think of the new
policewoman? Over.

Very arresting, Delta Tango 1.

She can oil my truncheon any time.

Over.

Affirmative, Foxtrot Whiskey Bravo.

Am responding also.

Delta Tango 1 to Zulu Charlie India.
Over.

Zulu Charlie India receiving.

Go ahead, Delta Tango 1.

Over. May I borrow your rubber? Over.

Affirmative, Delta Tango 1.

Over.

Over and out.

Roger, Zulu Charlie India. Your rubber
time at 15 .31. Over.

Foxtrot Whiskey Bravo to all units.

Did anyone see the match last night?
Over.

Delta Tango 1 to Foxtrot Whiskey Bravo.
Yes, I saw it. Over.

Not a bad match, considering that last
up and under. Over.

Negative, Foxtrot Whiskey Bravo. I was
glad when it was over. Over.

What did you think of it, George?

I didn't see it. I was...

Didn't give you your call sign. Didn't
give you your call sign. Now you're up.

Fred wins again.

That was the third game I won on the
trot.

What shall we do now?

Let's watch the Nolan sisters.

Over.

Peace.

Before you shot him And take you in his
arms And drive you wild

Here's rather an unusual story about an
octopus, which I hope will not give

offence to any octopus lovers watching
tonight.

Well, everything's possible, you know. I
remember when I was small, and

I have been smaller, never any bigger.

That is a story I put around, and that
story I put around about my being bigger

is entirely wrong.

When I said that if I hadn't upset our
local witch doctor, I'd still be in the

Grenadier Guards.

That's a lie.

But as I was saying, all things are
possible. Now, when I... You're seeing

now, aren't you? When I was a small
child, I was once in love with an

Now, this was after we got rid of the
budgie, you know. Well, he had to go,

because he kept saying, Who's a pretty
boy, then? Who's a pretty boy?

Until my father began to take it
personally.

And bought himself some eye shadow and a
handbag.

What I was saying was I dearly wanted a
little pet.

And my father, you know, never had much
money. You know, he would have had, you

know, if he hadn't spent it all on eye
shadow and handbags.

So he bought me an earwig.

Well, he never actually bought it, you
know. He got it off some people down the

road who had more earwigs than they
wanted.

And I really...

I really loved that earwig.

I'd do anything for him. Saturday
mornings, I used to hang about the

see if I could pick him up an ear.

And I used to teach him tricks, you
know, little things. And then one day

had, at the pub, they had an unusual
pets competition, you know.

And I took my earwig along in a matchbox
and I put him, you know, in his little

hoop at his piano and got the tightrope
out there in front.

He got up and...

And when the judge... I cracked my
little whip, you know.

I had a little cotton whip. I used to
crack it. And out he came.

Out he came to go up the tightrope. One
of the judges said, look at that bloody

earwax.

But I digress. And back to the story
about the octopus, which concerns a

chap who got himself a job in a zoo.

And the first morning, the man in charge
said to him, he said, this morning, he

said, I'd like you to clean out the
octopus.

And the chap said, um,

uh, how do I, you know, how do I do
that, he said.

Because he's not very bright, this chap.

He said, um, how do I do that, he said.
Actually, the crew, now I'll tell you

why the crew are laughing, because that
voice is a very lifelike impersonation

of our new producer on the show.

Hello, Ron, he said.

I don't know why I'm laughing. I'm not
very careful. The unemployment

population, the unemployment population,
would have risen next Monday to 1 ,200

,000 and a half.

Although I must be fair and say that
this one, this new producer, is better

the other chap, you know, or the other
fellow. He had to go, you know.

He drank as well, you know.

No, this man doesn't drink half as much,
to be honest with you.

He spills most of it.

I actually heard this joke last night at
the other producer's farewell party. We

had a very quiet affair, to be honest.

Actually, as good times go, it would
rate about the same as being trapped in

lift.

The BBC were trying out their latest
technique to save on drinks.

They hide the barman's hearing aid.

you're trying to order a drink. We have
two Jehovah's Witnesses trying to talk

you out of it.

Then the record players all broke down.
All the record players broke down

completely. So we put the telly on.

And a few of us danced to Match of the
Day.

And then the head of light entertainment
showed us the home movie of his

divorce.

It's a rather sad story, actually. She
was a German girl, you know, and they

during the war.

They could never agree on how to bring
up the children, you know. He wanted

to go into show business, you know, and
she wanted them to attack Poland.

LAUGHTER Which rather luckily reminds me
of the joke I

was telling.

The chap.

The Polish octopus, remember the one?

I suppose that sounds a bit contrived,
doesn't it? Well, you've got to admire

the style, haven't you?

Haven't you?

I know you're out there.

I can hear you breathing.

So the zookeeper said to the new man, he
said, what I want you to do is get the

octopus out of his tank, dump him in the
wheelbarrow, clean out the tank, then

put him back again. Off you go.

A little while later, back comes the
chap, he says, I can't get him out of

tank.

Keeps holding on to the glass with his
teeth, with his suckers, you know.

Slip of the tongue.

Slip of the tongue on this program, I
could be back on Magic Roundabout.

And it can get pretty damned hot in that
doogle skin.

So the man in charge said, if he won't
behave himself, you'll have to use the

shovel, he said. So a few minutes later,
the chap came back. He said, it's no

good. As soon as I prise one arm loose
from the shovel, he gets a grip of the

other one, like this.

The man said, no, you don't do it that
way at all. He said, you take the

you give him a whack on the head with
it, and he goes, oh, me head, and then

pick it up.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It's
wonderful to be with you again.

She's been terribly excited all day.
Now, don't overdo it, dear, because you

want to tell all the ladies and
gentlemen all about what we're going to

you go, dear.

Well, this evening, Dame Hilda and I
thought, bearing in mind... Don't forget

tell them about the Jubilee year, dear.

Indeed, yes. Bearing in mind that, of
course, this is Jubilee year. Yes, they

know that, dear. I'll just tell them all
that.

All right. We thought we'd take a little
peek into the past, other famous royal

years, and the gracious history of our
dignified and gracious and beautiful

royal family. Yes.

Thank you very much, Evadne. Thank you.

First of all, the first coronation of
Edward VII, that was in 1902.

My goodness, as long ago as that is, it
only seems like last year. No, no, no,

Daddy, you're thinking of the repeats on
ITV, dear.

1902 was, of course, the heyday of the
music hall.

Gertie Guitana, Mari Lloyd, Vesta Tiddy.
Yes, and of course, my very own

favourite, George Tickle. Do you
remember him, the famous female

Oh, bent as a fork, dear.

Camp as a row of silver sausages.

As clear as a tin of sardines. Yes, I
know. We need to go into that. Do we,

dear? I mean, it takes all sorts,
doesn't it? Let me sing you a song now.

like to sing you a song now. One of
George Tickle's favourite songs. His

drag songs. Now, you will have to bear
with me, of course.

Because, remember, I am a woman playing
a man who is playing a woman.

At least.

Yes.

The song is called Moderation. Thank
you.

to introduce myself to all you lovely
men.

My name is Miss Golightly, and I'm on
the loose again.

My engagement to the Duke of Dis was
broken off last May, and he sent me to

south of France for a nine -month
holiday.

Now I'm back in circulation. I've
rejoined the social world.

I'm really awfully popular and have been
since a girl.

But I do have certain standards, and I
never let them drop.

I'm very good at most things, but I do
know when to stop.

If I'm drinking at a party, then I stop
when I'm half -tight.

I believe in doing things in moderation.

If I'm dining with a man, I only stop
out half the night. I believe in doing

things in moderation.

I went out... with a footballer, he
really was sublime.

I said, are you a halfback as I sipped
his gin and lime?

He said, no, I'm centre forward, so I
stopped him at half time.

I believe in doing things in moderation.

When cuddling with a motorist, I don't
mind if he swerves. I believe in doing

things in moderation.

I tell him, take your time and please go
easy around the curves. I believe in

doing things in moderation.

london once lured me to his lair he
asked my hand in marriage but i told him

then and there i just held up two
fingers and said that's all i can spare

believe in doing things in moderation

The 111th coronation year of our dear
George V and our beloved Queen Mary. Oh,

yes, the dear thing, dear thing. She
loved Gilbert and Sullivan, you know,

because everyone did. Oh, yes, I loved
Gilbert.

Did you? Not personally, dear, did you?
No, no, no, I did know him intimately.

He wrote this rather special version of
I Have a Song to Sing In, especially for

me, you know. Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. I
invited him to my house on Primrose Hill

one wintry afternoon. I offered him
something warm in the conservatory.

He wrote me this. I hope you're going to
like it. Oh, yes, of course they'll

like it. Of course they will. They
always do. I always enjoy this myself

I'm allowed to play my little tambourine
in the middle, in the little twiddly

bits. Thank you very much. Off we go.
Go.

I have a song to sing.

Sing me a song.

I sing of a man who is six foot tall,
whose legs are strong and hair.

Whose muscles bounce right through his
clothes With some of these and lots of

those Who I saw last night as he danced
on his toes In the dance of the sugar

plum fairy Lady, oh, lady Misery me,
lackaday me It

plainly shows he's one of those Trust me
to pick a fairy

I have a song to sing, oh Sing me a song

Whose skin is bronzed and shiny Whose
face is lean Whose eyes are bright Who

hits each ball right out of sight I
played around with him last night And

handicap is tiny If

you'd been on the green You'd have seen
what I mean His handicap was tiny

His handicap was trying.

Now we would like to finish with what we
call our farmyard medley. Thank you.

With Mabel and Molly, we thought that it
might be jolly to spend our summer

holidays down on the farm. We wanted no
dramas with gentlemen farmers,

so we wore very thick pyjamas, so we
bumped to no harm. But we found what

us tick was certainly nothing rustic,
and we can't wait to get our bus ticket

back to Vauxhall. Young girls from the
city went down to the nitty -gritty,

cows... And chastity just don't fix a
thing.

His name was John, and he works hard for
his wages. The baggy

trousers he has on have been in the
family for ages.

Old and patched, but they still work
hard. So used to him they've grown now.

If he's out courting and he loses them,
they trot home on their own now.

Early one morning, just as the sun was
rising, I heard someone saying in the

valley below, mind where you're putting
it, you've got your foot in it. It

wasn't what it was and why, I never
know.

Where the bee sucks, where the socks
are.

Where the pig's thighs, their thighs
are.

Where the picnic lies, there I die, I'm
not a spy. Too easy, why? They look so

wide, they smell so high.

If it gets worse, I shall die.

wondering why they built the farmhouse
right next to the sky meridy meridy

wondering why pig's known as pork when
it's poked in a pie pig in a poke and

pork in a pie

Where the cows slip, there slip I.

Where the cows slip, so do I.

In the meadow grass I lie.

There I sigh and walk the fly.

On the cow patch I do lie.

I'll just have to tell you when to come
to the meadow grass.

Dreamily, dreamily shall I live now.

There with the cow pants that comes from
the cow.

Dreamily, steamily, shall I live now.

Meat -eating daisies and carved meat in
cow.

Right in the cow pants that comes from
the cow.

Well, that's all we have time for
tonight, but before we go, the late

Mr. Percy Tweeter, a Warminster stereo
enthusiast, today celebrated 25 years of

marriage. He paid tribute to his wife's
high fidelity and said that although her

bass had developed a wobble, she still
went smoothly at three speeds and turned

on at the touch of a finger.

And British scientists... Do it again.

Which puts them in second place behind
French scientists who do it again and

again.

This week, research teams from Dunn and
McDougall, working together, have

produced the world's first self -raising
hat.

Next week, we'll be meeting the
ornithologist who took his hearing aid

mended eight months ago and hasn't heard
a dicky bird since.

And finally, let us remind you that the
new BBC series, How to Improve Your Sex

Life, goes out for the first time
tonight at 11 .45.

Just in case you missed it, it will be
repeated at 20 -minute intervals

throughout the night.

So, it's goodnight from me, and it's
goodnight at 20 -minute intervals from