Original subtitles

Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

in a packed programme tonight, we shall be talking by long -distance phone to a

Scotsman who found an Australian penny and emigrated.

Then we'll have three contrasting pieces of choral music, sacred songs from St

Martin in the Fields, rather less sacred songs from St Christopher in the Woods,

and some positively revolting songs from St Vitus in the Long Grass behind the

glue factory.

Our special guest is a very shy lady impressionist. Her petula clock is

extremely good and her cilla black is fantastic, but no one can touch her

But first, the news.

The health service stated today that they are getting so behind hand that for

the pregnancy testing service there is now a ten -month waiting list.

It was announced today in Dublin that the Irish Doomsday Book is in fact a

forgery.

This was the conclusion after a six -month study of it by typewriting

In Hatfield today, the prototype of a mammoth 50 -foot -high food mixer went

completely out of control. The entire company has gone into liquidation.

And we've just heard sensational news from Whipsnade. The male panda, who's

developed a passion for music, has mated with the head keeper's harmonium.

Experts say this may create a pandemonium.

Now a sketch in which I play the schoolboy expelled for smoking, and I

boy who set him on fire.

Excuse me, didn't I see you at the festival hall last week?

Um, no, I don't think so. Oh, you're not Corsetti, the cellist?

Oh, no, no, I'm not. Oh, I do beg your pardon.

I'm sure I've seen you somewhere last week.

Um, he... Could it have been the garden?

Sorry? The garden at the weekend?

Yes, I was in the garden at the weekend. It was lovely.

Really lovely. Yes, wasn't it magnificent? Yes, um, which performance

at?

I'm sorry?

Which performance did you see at Covent Garden? Oh, sorry, Covent Garden.

Yes. Oh, sorry.

No, I wasn't at Covent Garden last weekend.

Oh, you weren't there last weekend. No, no. I think it must have been the

weekend before.

Oh, that was magnificent too, wasn't it? Oh, truly.

I thought Catercino was in superb form. Oh, yes.

What a magnificent... What a magnificent, you know, piece of

form he showed.

The chorus of harlots was absolute... Oh, quite.

Yes, yes.

And when Gutenheimer sang, Oh,

yes.

Oh, yes.

No, wait a minute. That wasn't last week, was it?

Wasn't it? No, no, that was the week before.

Of course it was. It was the week before. Yes, silly of me.

Well, how could I have thought it was that week? No, quite.

What was it that week?

Um... You said you were there that week.

It was... Strauss? Strauss? Strauss!

That's awfully good. Strauss, yes. Yes, Gellivetti is far too lyrical, isn't it?

But I must remember that Strauss, Gellivetti, yes.

Talking of Gellivetti, do you know Cornwall at all?

Yes, sir, I must be honest. Yes, we went there for our holidays this year.

St Ives for a fortnight. It was awfully nice. We had a little...

Brian Cornwall, the novelist.

Oh, I must recommend his fascinating article

in this month's edition of Brain.

Oh. On the mock Middle Byzantine facades that they're sticking on to poor old

Doncaster Library.

In Brain? I must make a note of that. Yes, and also a fascinating series of

articles on Tilakut in there somewhere.

What do you think of Reading?

The novelist.

Novelist? No, I don't know a novelist called Reading. No, I don't know a

novelist. I'm sorry.

The plane.

No, the new system for dating crustaceans.

What do you think of it, really?

Well, I... What do you think of it? Well, I don't know. It's awfully... It's

awfully, awfully difficult, isn't it? It is awfully difficult. I think it's

awfully difficult. You see, on the one hand, you've got Zuckerman.

And on the other hand, you've got... What's his name? You have got... Yes.

What is his name?

What is his name? His name is... Don't tell me.

It's... It's Bennett, isn't it?

Do you read at all?

Oh, I read an awful lot. You know, coming up on the train every morning

Maidstone. Maidstone? Yes. I come from Maidstone. Really?

Well... Well, well, well, well.

Well, this has been one of the most stimulating conversations I've had for

time. It's so seldom one meets anyone with whom one's got anything in common.

Maid's love.

How wonderful.

Catechini comes from maid's love.

Good evening, and welcome to the day after tomorrow's world.

Tonight we show you something smooth, streamlined, functional and fast.

But that's enough about me.

I'm standing here in the kitchen of the future. The kitchen that's got every

labour -saving device you can think of, apart from the Liberal Party.

Let us look around, shall we? First of all, here is the special eye -level

grill.

Designed by Ronnie Corbett.

And then in this one multi -unit, there is a mixer, the oven, and the washing

machine all in one. Well, how does it work? Well, supposing, you see,

supposing... Supposing I want some crumpet at tea time.

Well, supposing I do.

What I do after five o 'clock is my own business.

Now, what about a cake for my birthday? Now, I shall need some cake mix.

Now, over here, you see we have cake. There, that's the shortcake.

And, of course, that's a very long cake.

We'll take the shortcake, I think.

We put it in there.

Add the eggs.

And the milk.

Icing sugar.

And, of course, 21 candles.

There we are. Now, we mix for only a few seconds and simply pop it into the oven

like this.

But remember, of course, that this oven and mixer is also the washing machine

and I'm doing some laundry for the weatherman in the next studio at the

time.

Now, what do we get when we turn the dial? Oh, well, we get a small electric

shock.

We'll ignore that for the moment. Now, let's just check the time on our digital

clock here.

Well, either it's two o 'clock or they're still on strike.

This exciting innovation I have here is the new kitchen cup.

There it is.

Right, now we simply put the grass in here, like this.

And the milk comes out here.

Now this, of course, entirely replaces the milkman.

Unless you're the woman at number 44 with the bow front.

Now then, what about...

What about the food of the future? Now, for a start, it's going to be bigger.

Now, let me demonstrate. We scientists, we have found that the old vegetables

were too small, far too small. For instance, what can I do with this

Thank you very much, madam. But seriously, I tried carrots as

bought my wife this 18 -carat ring.

Now, here, on the contrary, here is a single section from the giant super

of the future.

Now, there it is.

Now, if you ate all that side, you could see Muhammad Ali in a dark room with

your eyes shut.

Even if he wasn't there.

On this side, you see, there's Matt Monroe singing, I'm in the mood for

Of course, it doesn't end there. Here is the new BBC radish.

Here we are.

With 13 guaranteed repeats on BBC Two.

Thank you. Here is the shredded wheat for the woman with two men in her life.

Here's one for the woman with 20 men in her life.

Ladies with larger appetites than that should see their doctor.

He'll probably give them one of these.

the mouse trap of the future.

Here it is. It consists of a piece of cheese, a Jimmy Young record, and a

The mouse smells the cheese, he comes out of his hole, play the Jimmy Young

record. When the poor little son puts his paws over his ears, you creep up

behind him, hit him with the brick.

And here we have, ah, here we have the new egg -laying machine, the kitchen egg

-laying one. What makes it light up, you ask? Simple.

Inside is a battery head.

Simple. You take one of these pellets. Now, in this pellet, there is enough

concentrated hen food for six months. I put it in there, load it in the special

gun, and by means of this aperture in here, I shoot the pellet straight into

mouth. That's it.

Ah,

there's another hole on this end.

until the eggs come out cracked.

Well, now, before I leave you, it's just time to remove our cake from the oven

and also to see how the weatherman's laundry is getting on.

Now, here we are.

Ah, yes, there we are.

There it is. A very nice cake in a wool rayon mixture with a zip front. There we

are.

And, of course, here we have a fine set of beautifully iced underpants. There we

are. Now, the weatherman should be very pleased with these.

When his wife blows out the candles tonight, there'll be a cold front and a

following wind.

London, 1899. The threat continued.

The Phantom was still at large, wreaking havoc in society circles with his

shocking attack on people in high places.

Inspector Corner of the Yard, terrified that the Phantom would attack Her

Majesty Queen Victoria, agreed to a midnight assignation in the graveyard.

At midnight.

Only to be attacked from behind by a half -praised monster.

And so the chase was on.

For month after month, the inspector tirelessly pursued his man to the far

corners of the earth, defying death a thousand times.

Phantom fled.

leaving chaos and destruction in his wake.

Finally, in despair, Inspector Corner of the Yard returned to dear old England,

just in time for Queen Victoria's procession through the streets on New

Eve to celebrate the dawning of a brand new century.

Worn out, exhausted, his nerves shattered, and his energy completely

away, the inspector accepted a cup of tea from the faithful Sergeant Bowles

soon felt much better.

arrange for us, Bowles?

I do my best, sir.

What a pretty procession.

Awfully nice idea to do it completely in black and white.

Would you like a flag to wave, sir? Oh, thank you.

Inspector Bloy of the Crystal Palace Division. They've cornered the Phantom.

Where, sir? In the sewers at Bullseye Crescent.

I shall go ahead. You follow with six good men and the equipment.

Very good, sir. And hurry!

The possession is heading that way.

Now look here, naughty phantom raspberry blower of old London town.

We know you're down there.

Give yourself up now.

Otherwise, I'll play back your own devilish recording with the new electric

police horn.

Do you hear me?

He can hear you, sir.

Place the equipment.

You will count up to ten. You will never take me alive.

I'd rather my weapon was turned upon myself.

We will not bargain with you, sir. Come out.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

century dawn and London at last freed itself of the dreaded phantom raspberry

blower.

Never again would law -abiding citizens be subjected to terrifying attacks from

the rear.

People could return to their innocent pleasures, safe in the knowledge that

and order had been restored.

Throughout the land.

England. Could once more.

Live in peace.

The phantom.

Was dead.

Or was he?

Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dixon.

If you had a plan On what to do when you're a

man You could be lucky In giving yourself a good time

At this point, we have to announce that after further objections about West

Indian bouncers, we've cancelled tonight's demonstration by the Trinidad

go -go dancers.

And we were to have had Jimmy Savile with us.

but we've just heard that his suit has been disallowed by the Noise Abatement

Society.

But here is the late news. The longest ever swearing in of a witness ended in

the High Court this afternoon after six and a half days, when the witness, Bert

Osby, instead of holding the Bible and reading out the card, held the card and

read out the Bible.

And news, news has just come in from Magalumbu, the primitive Pacific island,

where a man has been condemned to death for cannibalism.

This morning, the day of the execution, the condemned man rose, got dressed,

cleaned his teeth, and ate a hearty water.

There was chaos at King's Cross today when a consignment of 93 tortoises from

Indonesia escaped from a guard's van and made off along the platform.

When asked how they managed to get clear away from the station, a British rail

spokesman said, we tried to stop them, but they were just too fast for our

portals.

This will make you laugh.

It's actually about the owner of a holiday camp who is driving along one

she's driving along one day, and he sees a rather poor -looking old lady, a

rather poor -looking old man, sitting on a bench, you know, by the seaside.

And, by the way, I don't want you to think, I don't want you to think that

going to try to get a laugh out of somebody, you know, just because they're

poor, you know.

Oh, no, because, believe it or not, you know, I have known what it's like to be

short.

So don't be alarmed. I'm not going to do what most comedians would do at this

point, you know, go off into contrived routine about my life and hard times,

know, that sort of thing, don't you?

You know, a tramp came to the door and said, any old clothes? And my mother

said, yes, please, you know.

You know, we were so poor, my brother was made in Hong Kong, you know.

Although, to be serious for just a little while longer, this story...

that I'm going to tell does rather take me back a bit because it is the first

joke that my old dad ever told to me when I was five years old.

That's more than, you know, 20 years ago.

Easily. So if you don't like the joke, perhaps you can applaud the feat of

memory involved.

Not now.

Not now.

Wait until you've heard the joke. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Actually, I

remember I was five. I remember because I was five.

because it was my fifth birthday, and my... Well, I'm very quick like that. On

the wavelength. And my parents had just given me an old bra and told me it

was a double -barrel catapult.

Very valuable experience, because nowadays I can spot a loaded platex a

away.

Actually, I shouldn't criticise...

parents because they were going through rather a sticky patch at the time. My

father had lost all his money in his latest venture, you know.

London's first drive -in do -it -yourself sheep dip.

Then he tried selling broken light bulbs to people who had no electricity.

And even now he hasn't had a job since he was a deck chair attendant in

of Arabia.

Very, very hard times. He was too proud, you see, to beg in the street, you

know. So he used to beg indoors.

had to cook with was two candles under an old fire bucket.

And every night, no, every night, every night she used to cook a meal for 17 of

us.

There were actually only three of us in the family, but she loved entertaining.

And, you know, I shall never, I shall never forget that Christmas Eve when

crept into my little room in his Santa Claus outfit and stole my socks.

I must be fair, I don't want to get my parents a bad name and didn't actually

steal them, you know. He reclaimed them.

It was something to do with the fact that I'd fallen behind on the repayments

from when they sold me my first pram.

Which, incidentally, I still pay them five shillings a week.

Well, it may sound ridiculous, five shillings a week for 40 years, but you

how it is. When you're only one year old, you'll sign anything.

Even then, it wasn't really a pram. It was a trolley stolen from a supermarket.

A change of wheels, a quick re -spray.

There I am at the age of one, riding around town in a hot basket.

Now, I've remembered the joke, which concerns the elderly.

An elderly lady and gentleman, you see, who were, as I say, resting.

on one of those benches on the front of the seaside, you know, when a big car

pulled up and the chap in the car said, he said, excuse me, but I am the owner

of the St.

Typhoid's Bay Holiday Company.

Don't start laughing whenever I just try and do a funny voice.

He said, I am the owner of the St.

Typhoid's Bay Holiday Company.

I think he was from Arbroath as well, as well.

He said, I'd be honoured, he said.

If you two would come and spend a free holiday, an absolutely free few days, I

was going to say, but a free holiday for you.

Come and spend a free holiday with us as our millionth visitor, you see. Well,

the old lady immediately suspected it was a trick by white slave traders, you

know, to abduct her and sell her into a life of sin and debauchery.

So she ran across and jumped into the car.

there, you see.

So he took them back to his holiday camp and installed them in a nice double

chalet with the best view in the camp, you know, facing the gate.

And he left them there, you see.

The next day he saw them sitting outside the chalet and he said to the old lady,

he said, are you enjoying your stay with us then? She said, well, I'm having a

great time. She said, absolutely lovely time. She said, I've played bingo. She

said, I've watched the men building the swimming pool.

And she said, tonight I'm going to the fancy dress ball as Des O 'Connor.

She said, by the way, can I ask you a question? She said, who's the little old

man?

The making plays, how sweet the sound, she

played upon a whistle, to show

you how she jobbed.

And they made us take part in the races.

Oh, I tossed the chamber. And I put the shot.

And you put it in some damn funny place.

Oh, next to me he was 16, don't read.

And we stood side by side.

out to dry on the line and now it's gone. I think someone

enticed it with a biscuit or a bone and I hope in my

heart it has found a decent home. It never attacked strangers

or chased the next door's cat.

I'll just pay the license fee.

Oh, no, very poor.

drinking whiskey on the rocks.

I was a soldier, a youth soldier, who wandered far away from Dolder's Green

day. He went by army and joined the army, the Queens on Highland, four by

He worked in the cookhouse there, with his knees all bare, cooking kosher

fare, serving a lot of suits to the hungry troops.

Yiddish soldier, a man so bold and brave, lies in a hero's grave. Some far

corner of somewhere foreign, at last his foreigns come for him.

He sailed away for to fight the foe, at some highland show, up in

Scarpa Flow, a flying haggis in a cookhouse bro, cause a poor young lad to

fall. But like I told you, a Yiddish soldier...

Never be forgot wherever soup is hot. His name will linger on every finger

pickled herrings are passed around.

But nevermore will he serve a lobster bowl. He has answered now that final

call. There's a brown mutt on the cookhouse wall where the haggis did it

Now he's up there and he's thrown some wings and he's throw...

I don't think...

Well, that's all for this week, but here are two items of late news. At the

Royal Air Show today, Luigi Bregonzi, the famous drunken Italian airy, was not

permitted to do his celebrated dive through the sound barrier.

The controller said he could not endanger the crowd with a high tiddly

Boom, boom.

In a very serious case in the High Court this afternoon, an 18 -year -old

secretary in the Foreign Office confessed that she disgraced herself at

embassy reception by entertaining a Russian spy on the bedroom carpet, the

of Helsinki in the garbage can, a Chinese attaché in the washbasin, a

officer in the fuel receptacle, and an African chief in the downstairs toilet.

She had a red under her bed, a fin in the bin, a chink in the sink, a junker

the bunker, and a Swazi in the car.

Now, the trailer for the BBC's Film of the Month, to be shown next Thursday.

film that broke all box office records, the film that everyone is talking about.

From the studios that first dared to bring to the cinema stories of the

magnitude of Moby Dick, The Old Man and the Sea, The Poseidon Adventure.

Now comes the supreme, definitive drama of the Predator Man in his age -old

battle with the D.

Now the spine -chilling horror that has shocked America comes searing across

your screens.

Before we go, we have just time to reveal that since the previous series,

us has had a sex change.

But we are not saying which it is.

It's goodbye from me. And it's goodbye from her. Goodbye.

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