Original subtitles

Hello, and it's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

a packed program tonight, we shall meet a scientist who crossed the theories of

Sigmund Freud with those of Albert Einstein and got sex at the speed of

And for the ladies, tonight we talk about rum barbers and what to wear if

got them.

But first, the news.

During the dispute with the Domestic Servants Union at Buckingham Palace

the Queen, a radiant figure in white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down

main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloakroom and hoovered

the lounge.

In a dramatic incident in the House of Commons last night, Mr Cyril Smith rose

from the Liberal front bench and the rest of the party fell off the other

And we've just heard that... the price of British Rail coffee is to go up to

a slice.

The powerful secret society known as the Lords of the Universe held their annual

meeting last night, but their president, the Lord Chief Controller and Commander

over all living things, was unable to be present. His wife wouldn't let him out.

The next event was the annual general meeting of the Society for People Who

Think They Are Methods of Transport.

Its patrons are Mr. Robert Carr and Mr. Michael Foote.

Mr. Foote arrived by car, Mr. Carr arrived on foot.

Mr. Foote launched the proceedings by hitting a man who thinks he's an ocean

liner over the head with a bottle of champagne.

After which he hailed a woman who thinks she's a taxi, boarded her and left.

The whole venture is being financed by someone who wishes to remain an omnibus.

In the next sketch, I interview a lady who likes Nicholas Parsons. And I

interview a parson who likes Nicholas Ladies.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

I'd like to enroll for one of your night classes, please. Yes. Now, what sort of

course are you thinking of taking?

Poisoning.

Poisoning? I want to learn how to poison things.

Well, I don't think we've got a poisoning course going at the moment.

Oh, well, chemistry, then.

Chemistry, yes. Yes, chemistry with access to the poison cupboard.

Now, I'm afraid our chemistry course doesn't run as far as the poison

What about something else? What about, you know, what about something like

metalwork? Oh, will that include knife sharpening?

Might, might well.

Axe grinding?

No, no, no, I know. I suggest you keep away from that sort of thing. Why, why?

Well, it's not normal, you know. Not normal? I'm perfectly normal.

I'm a perfectly normal human being who just wants to learn how to sharpen a

knife, that's all.

So that its blade glints in the sunlight as I smash it down.

Or whatever I smash it down on a pork chop or something like that.

No, no, what about first aid?

Oh, how to remove bloodstains from clothing?

No, no, no, not that. What about knots and hitches? Ah, slipknot?

No, no.

Needlework, then. Hypodermic needlework? Oh, no.

Why not learn an instrument? Ah, yeah. A blunt instrument.

No, no, no.

Why do you want to learn all these dreadful things?

I'm writing a book on it.

A book? Yes.

It's called How to Murder the Woman at 49 Ashley Gardens and Other Stories.

49 Ashley Gardens? Yes, you know it. I know the road, yes. Well, I live at 49

Ashley Gardens, and my wife is being unfaithful to me.

Really? Yeah. Little chap with glasses.

Oh.

got to do with me?

Nothing at all.

It's just that I want to learn about it to write a book, you see. Of course. And

you're the person who can tell me about night classes. Of course, I was

forgetting. Why was I the person who told you about night classes? Yes,

What I do in my own time is my own private affairs. Oh, yes. Mind you, my

affairs are far from private. Really? My wife's affairs are public.

She's ultra -friendly.

What? Every man in the road. What? And two in the crescent. And four up the

avenue.

Skinny, ginger -haired little tart.

An accurate description.

Look, sir, why don't you take a nice weekend off, go to Brighton, something

bracing like that. You think so?

Yes, and when you come back on Monday, perhaps you'll have something to write a

book about. Oh, all right, then. I'll go to Brighton. All right. Indeed.

See you on Monday. See you on Monday, then. Yes, indeed.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye.

Hello, Daphne.

You've just been in. Yes.

Yes. I've managed to persuade him to go to Brighton for the weekend.

So I'll see you tonight.

My dearest.

Hello, is that outdoor activities? It's Frobisher here.

Have you a gardening course going at the moment?

Yes, only I wanted to learn how to dig a big hole six foot deep by 38, 24, 36.

and the Ministry of Sex Equality.

I'm here tonight to explain the situation man to man.

Or as we have to say now, person to person.

My name is Mr. Stroke Mrs. Barker.

But I don't advise any of you to try it.

Stroke Mrs. Barker.

Now, due to this new law, no one is allowed to be called male or female, man

woman. Now, this has already caused a great deal of argument in Parliament, so

they're all going for a parliamentary conference at Manchester.

Or as we now say, Personchester.

We'll all stay in a nudist colony and air their differences.

Members only, of course.

But how does this affect you? Well, is it easy to become unsexed? Well, it can

be done.

And I represent the proof.

At least half of me does.

The other half represents the poof.

The first thing we have to realise is that for too long, women have been

men. Not only in the home.

But in the office as well.

And there are many ways in which we can change that.

Vertical desktops, for a start.

Now, the main area of change, of course, will be in the language. The man in the

street will become the person in the street. Whoever you are, whether man or

woman, you will be the person in the street.

Incidentally, when I was in the street the other day, I nearly fell down a

person hole.

Now, certain professions will have their names changed from the chairperson of a

large company...

right down to the humble dust person.

Not to be confused, of course, with the famous film star, Dustin Hoffperson.

Speaking of films, there will be special feature films made showing the equality

of the sexes. Already in production, a new musical called Seven Persons for

Seven Other Persons.

Starring Paul Newperson with choreography by Robert Helperson.

And music by Person Devani and his orchestra.

Dress.

Dress, of course, you won't be able to expect. You won't be expected to dress

like this. This sort of costume is much too expensive.

Half a knicker certainly doesn't cover it.

Each person can, of course, choose what to wear, provided it includes the

customary shirt, bra, underpants and handbag.

Shoes can be black or brown according to individual taste. I myself find that

black shoes taste rather better than brown ones.

Jobs, too, will be entirely sexless, with one or two obvious exceptions.

What are they, you may ask? You may ask, but I'm not telling you on this

program. Here is a clue. They have jam on them and appear at tea time.

Now, a job... must be open to either a what's -it or a who's -it, that is, of

either sex. For instance, certain advertisements will not be allowed.

Now, I have one here in the local paper, and it says, if I can find it, oh, yes,

bar staff required for West Country pub, male or female, must have big boobs.

Now, of course, that won't be passed by the Ministry at all. What they should

have said was, bar staff required, male or female, must be attractive in the

Bristol area.

A recent idea by the Ministry to avoid confusion is to call a man a doings and

woman a thingy. It offends no one and makes conversation clearer.

Thus we instantly recognise the book called Little Thingies, or the musical

called My Fair Thingy, or the play by George Bernard Shaw called Doings and

Super Doings.

There are times, however, when it sounds better to stick to the word person.

The person in the street is still better than the doings in the street.

That's something to look out for and steer clear of.

Finally, finally, don't let this new law alter your life. After all, what's in a

name, as the great John Fat Pimple once remarked?

I know that whatever we're called, my own dear thingy and myself will carry on

as usual, wearing each other's clothes, and that however we, the people, are

thought of by the Ministry, tonight, all over Britain, all those thingies and

doings will be together in front of the fire as usual.

Good night.

Good

night.

The phantom's attacks, which were distressing the gentlefolk of London by

suddenness and ferocity, continue.

First, the butler at number 10.

John Brown, the Queen's faithful retainer.

Mr Disraeli.

Now the latest attack on the cabinet meeting of all the heads of state at

10 Downing Street.

Inspector Corner of the yard worked tirelessly on the cane.

But this last blow was too much.

He broke down and was sent to a gentleman's rest home in Sussex and

emperor.

A grave setback.

But for once, fortune smiled on the police. At dusk on the 7th of September,

Ludwig von Koch, Famous Chinese ornithologist was recording the sound of

kosher nightjar on Hampstead Heath.

Oh, you are naughty.

sound of the phantom.

Believing it to be the mating call of the extinct dodo, Von Koch played the

recording back to an enthralled audience at the Royal Ornithological Society.

And now, here we have the proof that the dodo

is alive and willing.

Fortunately, the chairman, Lord Stripe Lentil, himself once a victim,

the sound, and the recording was rushed to Scotland Yard.

Sergeant Bowles was desperately trying to carry on in the absence of his chief,

the inspector.

But he, too, was near breaking point.

had to be returned to duty immediately.

Oh, you're back.

I'll just put the kettle on.

A letter was delivered to Scotland Yard four hours later.

The inspector was already working on another tricky assignment when Sergeant

Bowles interrupted.

What is it, Bowles?

Can't you see I'm questing an eyewitness?

It's this letter, sir. It's urgent.

There we are, Hughes.

Don't let it happen again.

No, Inspector.

Any time.

Has the kettle boiled yet?

Yes, sir. I'll make you a cup.

Are you going to read it?

No, I'm going to drink it. I shall have a little bit parched. Oh, sorry, I

didn't get you a minute. Yes, indeed.

you my true identity, the Phantom Raspberry, et cetera, et cetera.

Will you go, sir?

I must.

Alone? Alone.

Then I'm coming with you.

Good. Then we'll go alone together.

Midnight. What a dust of the hour.

We must act fast.

I'm acting as fast as I can.

Tell me, Bowles, who gave you this note?

The old flower seller. What's this by the hippodrome, sir?

That's where Her Majesty is in hiding.

What, sir? Well, don't you remember, Bo, she's playing the lead in Charlie's

aunt. Great heavens, we've little time to lose. No, sir. We must go on our way

to the graveyard.

I catch the twenty past eleven bus. What time does it go, sir?

Quarter to twelve, I think.

Oi, what about your uniform, sir? Don't worry, Bowles.

This is a plainclothes job.

on the corner bells.

Are you the flower seller?

Of course I am, governor.

His lordship there just bought some off me, didn't you?

Yes, yes, yes.

The trade's very bad.

Very bad.

I've only took threepence all night.

You've got a calm face.

Would you give me a shilling for a bed, governor?

I might do. Bring it out. Let's have a look at it.

True, you are.

Here, try a nice carnation, then, love.

No, thanks. I've already had my supper.

Tell me, did a gentleman give you this?

Yeah, a tall man dressed in a topper and a cloak. Took the bus over there, the

one that goes to the cemetery.

I see.

So he's not bluffing.

Well, where he goes, we follow.

Here! Ain't you going to give me nothing for me trouble?

Here we are.

Take a couple of those.

They might cure it.

Dulcie, you gorgeous creature.

Hello, Lord Peter.

I got your note, Lord Peter. And what is your answer, you dearest little thing?

Well, when a girl is offered a country cottage, a diamond bracelet and a fur

wrap, and all she's got to do is just, well, what you said in your note, well,

the only possible answer is... Oh, I see. Good Lord, look here,

steady on, really. What was that?

raspberry blower of old London.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, please welcome Barbara Dixon.

And now, over to the Oval for the cricket.

Thank you very much. Well, in fact, we're not at the Oval, as you can see,

because, unfortunately, bad light clouds play early, and we've popped round here

to the Almambo restaurant for a quick bite.

And I must say, the Almambo is as full tonight as I've ever seen it.

Richie, have you ever seen the Almambo quite as full as this?

No, I don't think I have.

It certainly is very full here tonight, I think probably because there are so

many people here.

I think that would account for it. I should think there must be almost

of nearly 30 people here now.

And you, Peter?

Yes, yes, I certainly think that is so. Well, I see the waiter coming towards us

now from the cocktail bar end.

Moving in in between the tables with that slow, almost lolloping walk of his.

And as he comes in towards our table, over to you, John.

Yes, here's a really wonderful example of a very accurate...

slow waiter.

I'm coming here with this lovely lazy action and he's about to hand me the

You'll notice he's bending as he does so and he hands me. Thank you very much

indeed.

Richie, did you notice, by the way, that he happens to be a left -hander?

Yes, I did notice that, John. In fact, yes, I thought he was going to transfer

it to his right, but he hung on to his left and I think that must be fairly

uncommon.

Yes. Perhaps John Hammond can tell us exactly how many left... hundred waiters

there are in this part of London.

And while John's working that out, perhaps we can have a little look at the

here. There we are. Yes, well, yes, well, there it is.

Ah, see, the ice cream has just gone up.

I notice also that the minestrone and the chicken risotto are back on the menu

again. What do you make of that, John?

Well, I'm very pleased to see that minestrone back on there. You know, it's

sort of thing this meal really needed.

I'm pleased they've dropped the... stewed pudding. I'm glad to see that and

quite amazed to see that chicken risotto getting a second chance.

Now, Ritchie, you had experience of the chicken risotto in Australia last year.

What did you think of it then?

Well, Peter, I think it's very easy to underestimate the risotto. I think the

ingredients are all there. You could fare a lot worse. Of course, there is

question of the runs to be considered.

I'm very pleased indeed to see that they've decided to drop the fried

Apparently that was found to be off -colour like last night.

Yes, of course, if you want something solid, you can't do better than the

beef with the full weight of Yorkshire behind it. Yes, all right. Well,

personally, there you are. I think I shall go for the minestrone and the

risotto with a follow -on. Well, I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you

Peter, because, in fact, Richie has just put his finger right in the mustard

there.

Yes, I certainly did there, John. I was just reaching out there to get the

olives and I stuck my thumb in the mustard.

Perhaps we could see that again. Do you think we could see it?

Sixteen of those are beers.

Oh, dear.

I'll have to stop you there, John. I have, in fact, now knocked over a glass

beer.

You knocked it right over, did you? Yes, I certainly did, John. I just reached

down, put my hand down on the table and the whole thing... Now the table is

broken. The whole side of it's collapsed, I'm afraid. Well, this is

I'm sure none of us have envisaged. The complete and total collapse of the side.

It's just all just happening.

No, that certainly is an extraordinary spell for Ritchie. I mean, in 30

he's put his thumb right in the mustard. He knocked over his own beer and

smashed the table. Yes, perhaps Josh Hammond can tell us when the slot

at the El Mambo. If indeed it ever has. If indeed it ever has, you're quite

right. Well, now, the manager is having a word with Ritchie now, and I think

we're being asked to leave. Yes, I think we are being asked. Yes, we are being

asked to leave. Yes, I'm sure we are. Yes, well, that is the meal.

Meal is over. We are now being asked to leave. The manager has now got me by the

coat. And Josh Hammond tells me the manager is also a left -hander.

And now,

back to the studio.

Now, here is the late news.

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has

announced that he's looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn't find him,

going to use both eyes.

And the perfect crime was committed last night when thieves broke into Scotland

Yard and stole all the toilets.

Police say they've absolutely nothing to go on.

Mr. Ernest Quigley, the winner of the sponsored hairdressing marathon, who has

had his hair permed and set non -stop for 73 hours, was today described as

completely and utterly lacquered.

It has been revealed in a report laid before the International Olympic

that at the last Olympic Games, several athletes took steroids.

The Russian Anna Volga took aneroids.

Andy Armstrong Jones took polaroids.

And David Hemery didn't take anything.

Here's a funny story.

Listen to this. It's about a chap who has been out of circulation, you know,

about 20 years.

I don't like to say he's been in prison because, you know, it's not very nice,

is it, really?

Although, you know, come to think of it, there is someone not a million miles

from here who is making a marvellous living from that very same subject.

So why not?

After all, that is the way it was told to me at the BBC party last night, you

know. Somebody said, Here, Ron, there's this geezer who's been banged up in a

pokey doing his porridge, and... No, it wasn't Angela Rippon.

I think I should point out to any worried viewers that the licence money

being wasted at our parties.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, I wish I hadn't done that. I think one of my eyes has come a bit loose.

Anyway, I can assure you that not one penny is wasted because we enjoy every

minute of it.

And in any case, you mustn't think that the BBC party department dish out beer

money just like that, you know.

I mean, you have to have a good reason.

So last night we celebrated the bicentenary of the return of Halley's

Although I actually don't know whether he ever did get it back.

It's the thought that counts. No, no, wait a minute. No, sorry, I'm telling a

lie. Sorry, sorry.

That was the night before, you know. Last night's party was for, uh, was for

Charlie. That was it, old Charlie.

who's just completed 25 years in the television centre car park.

Although I personally think he should have known better and parked out on the

road in the first place.

Now, I've got it wrong again. That's tonight.

I'll get it right in a minute. Now, that is tonight. Last night we were

celebrating the 900th anniversary of the death of St Nathan the Nerdywell.

The first Jewish druid.

Well, he was the man who put up all the money for Stonehenge.

The building of which, I may say, gave many of our ancestors something that

had never had before.

A hernia.

Anyway, I remember that was the occasion because the young generation did the

dance of the seven virgins entirely from memory.

Because we didn't have any music.

No, please, don't make up your own jokes. Otherwise, you give the show a

name.

And later in the evening, the BBC chaplain, I remember the BBC chaplain

to give us a blessing.

You know, but he couldn't make himself heard and he gave up halfway.

And I was dancing with the producer's wife.

You know, she said, is he there? She said, it's only nine o 'clock and I'm

blessed.

Somebody told me this joke.

I'm rather surprised that I remembered it, because, quite frankly, it was right

at the end of the evening, you know, and we were well into injury time.

The story concerns a chap.

The story concerns a chap who was in prison for about 20 years, and upon his

release, he returned to his home, you see, where he discovered a receipt for a

pair of boots that he had taken to be repaired the day he went away.

And incidentally, that he'd forgotten to leave a note for the milkman.

And he is now very big in the yoghurt game.

However, a few... A few days later, he happened to be passing

a little shoe repair shop that is where he'd left the boot, you know, 20 years

previously. And he thought, well, you never know.

You know, they might still be there. It's worth a try. So he went in.

And he said to the old cobbler, he said, I know you think it's rather unusual,

he said, but I've been incarcerated in Her Majesty's nick for 20 years for

certain noughties that I committed, which I won't go into at this moment.

the old cobbler, thinking he was going to be touched, you see, for a few bob,

put his hand up like that.

A gesture inherited from his mother, who'd been frightened by a lollipop

He said... The old cobbler said, I'm sorry, but I can't afford to give you

anything, he said. Can't you see?

I'm down to my last last.

And the chap... The chap smiled indulgently. He said, no, he said, I

you understand.

He said, what I'm trying to say is I've got this ticket for a pair of boots. I

left here all those years ago, and I was wondering if by any chance, you know,

you've still got them. The old cobbler took the ticket, and he said, yes. He

said, a pair of brown shoes?

Brown boots, wasn't it? Sold?

Healed? With the stitching of the toe cap? The chap said, yes, that's right.

Cobbler said, they'll be ready Wednesday.

Oh, I'll have to stop a minute.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Fair puffs you out, don't it?

What, climbing up that hill?

No, getting your anky out.

Fresh air does us good.

Yes, I like a bit of a walk.

Yeah.

You know, it's...

It's the Queen's birthday today, you know.

How old is she now?

Well, I was trying to work it out. She was born in 1820.

Now, that makes her about 156.

What? Fancy being that age.

I should think she's very glad she's not alive.

Mind you... She was always older than us. Oh, I should think she was, you

Yeah. Some of them girls as we used to know, they must be getting on a bit or

not. Yes.

My little sister's 78, you know.

She's 78?

Yeah. Don't seem a minute ago, though, does it, Albert? No, you and me used to

get around a lot of girls in them days, didn't we? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Well, I did. You used to say you did.

What you're talking about, I loved them all.

Beautiful girls they was.

Do you remember, do you remember the French girls?

What was their name?

Madeleine and Millicent. Madeleine and Millicent, that's it, yes, that's it.

Madeleine came from Armenteers, Polly Boo.

Madeleine loved the Navy and Army too.

She surrendered every night, but she never went down without a fight.

Millicent came from Clapham Road, what to do?

She was a girl who did what she ought to do.

To officers she was always prone, but the privates they were left alone.

Daisy, eh?

I remember them all, yes.

Daisy, Daisy, how can we ever wed?

You're so lazy, you never get out of bed.

I think it would be much quicker if I brought along the vicar for

the honeymoon this afternoon and just let him say grace instead.

Matey was terribly matey.

In the yard she would so sweep me off me feet.

But her father got into a lather and he kicked me up the co -co

-co -cobbled street.

The other side of an 18 -foot wall.

She tried to entice me with a sweet night of sin.

So I took her and I did.

fell in love with me.

She was such a pretty sight in the cowshed every night. The pull of every

udder made me shudder with delight.

She was the very cream of all the dairy.

I married her, now I'm the biggest clot.

It's no wonder that I'm frail and I feel a little pale because she's milking me

for everything I've got.

Where are they all now, eh? Where are they all? Here.

Do you remember Phyllis Hooter? Who?

The Honourable Phyllis Hooter.

Don't you remember that posh girl we met at the railway station? Oh, yes, yes.

We had our dress uniforms on. She didn't know we were just ordinary people.

Yeah. Yeah, she asked us to have a big dance in her house. Oh, yeah, that's it.

We had a good old time there, didn't we, eh? Oh, yeah.

There were lots of girls there, wasn't there?

Oh, yeah. Don't you remember?

Yeah, not at all. I can remember all their names.

There was Dean, there was June, there was Janet, there was Jennifer and Jane

Joyce and Jacqueline and Juliet and Joan. There was Lily who was silly,

was Bessie who was messy. There was Annie with her granny and Fanny on her

And everyone around them was rather ineffectual. Their feet close together

their bottoms to the wall. And some were very thick and others intellectual.

And some were fairly sexual and others weren't at all.

There was Connie and Clarissa and Cecilia and Charity and Caroline and

There was shrinking little Violet who doesn't want to marry yet and bulgy

Harriet who can't afford to wait.

You could kiss her, you could meddle with Clarissa and Vanessa, you could

her and caress her against the wall. You could have fun with Nicola, but if you

tried to tickle her, you'd end up with Virginia who wouldn't do at all. It's

gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, Flora and Felicity, the sweetness and simplicity

of jaunting one and all.

Though we fancied every one of them. We finished up with none of them.

We both went home together from Philly soup to small.

We both went home together from Philly soup to small.

Lovely to look back on, isn't it? Oh, yes, yes.

Well, I think we'd better get off back home.

You're getting too excited.

I can feel the chair vibrating.

No, not me, old son, not anymore.

All I'm interested in tonight is me dinner.

Yes,

I'm afraid it's goodbye to all that now.

Goodbye, little girl.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Girlie, we must leave you Though it breaks our heart to go

We're no longer in the running Cos we're

past it now, you know We just think about

the old times Each dog has its day

Yeah, come on, Albert, it's my turn in the pram.

Well, that's all for this week. Next week we'll discuss the question, what

should you tip the porter in an all -male nudist camp, and will a pound note

cover it?

And we will show excerpts from some of the films the BBC will be showing this

autumn. The famous children's film, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, will be

a film about orgies at the University of Oxford, entitled Witty City Gang Bang.

Then there's a cartoon about two cats who go shooting called Kitty Kitty Bang

Bang.

And finally, there will be a film about Raquel Welch and an exploding bra.

Perhaps viewers can think of a title for that.

And that's all we've time for, so it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight

from him. Goodnight.

Goodnight.