Original subtitles

Hello, and it's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

a packed programme tonight, we ask the burning question about pilfering coal

miners. Do they have lots of slack in their trousers?

And we'll have a feature on weenie boppers and how you shouldn't make fun

people who've got them.

First, here is the news. There was an embarrassing incident at Madame Tussauds

last week when Mr Callaghan unveiled a wax model of himself and his chauffeur

drove it back to Downing Street by mistake.

But luckily it had only held three cabinet meetings before it was

And we've just heard that at a Golders Green maternity hospital today, the wife

of a well -known ventriloquist gave birth to a nine -pound, gouncing, gaggy

A new dance is sweeping the country. It's called the pony trot.

Once round the floor, then outside for your oats.

Sport.

Sorry, sport.

Reports that athletes indulge in too much sex before meetings were hotly

today by sprinter Wellesley Blunt.

He went on to win the 100 metres in a time of two hours, 37 minutes.

Now for the notices.

There'll be a conference and sermon in the Free Church Hall tomorrow for those

who thirst after righteousness.

And for those who thirst before righteousness, the cat and fiddle opens

In a sketch that follows about teddy boys and topless girls at a dance, I

around with a pair of rockers.

And I rock around with a pair of Notts County footballers.

Morning. Morning.

Morning.

Lovely day, isn't it?

Beautiful day.

Beautiful day.

Beautiful day.

Chilly but crisp.

Frosty but nice.

Racing and bright.

Live in the air. Good for the blood.

Gives you a glow.

Spring in your step.

Makes you feel good.

Talk of the world. Walking on air.

So full of beans.

I quite agree.

Been to your halls at the weekend.

Anywhere nice?

Cornwall for us. Same every year. Booked it all up. Bought two to Lou. Bought

two to Lou.

Monty for me.

Going abroad.

Fiddle -dee -dee. Fiddle -dee -dee. Fiddle -dee -dee.

Seen this bit here?

What does it say?

Says that a man, age 42, took a young girl back to his flat, gave her some

drinks, then she passed out. When she woke up... She was in bed, in the Near

East, and nothing else. Know what I mean? Man of the world. Need I say more?

Words of the wise.

You're a one.

Rubbish like that makes me feel sick. Who wants to read that sort of filth?

Vickers and scouts, orgies and drugs, bosoms and boots, brazen young bits,

fronting their flesh, showing their thighs, all that they've got. World's in

mess. Going to pot. Sign of the times. Gotta feel hot. Think I'll trip off.

on the twist.

Give us a kiss. Get back, you fool.

I'm most awfully sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

It's quite all right. Say no more to my feet.

Just one of those things.

George.

Thank you so much.

Wouldn't mind if it's the same thing every day.

One thing about these white people, they've got a... The bridge sends a

Good

evening.

What would you like?

Well, to start with, I'll have a large gin and tonic. Very large.

White and lemon, sir?

If there's room in the glass, yes.

And what else, sir?

Well, as a matter of fact, I've just met these people. I don't know them at all.

They're all friends of my wife.

Let's see. The lady in the sack dress wants an enormous brandy.

The young man with the flat head wants a rum and coke.

Andy, he's the tall chap. He's Scottish. He wants a pink gin with lemon.

The girl with the boobs wants a white lady.

My wife will have a scotch of the rocks. The woman with the bare arms behind

her, she will have half a bottle of the house wine. And the old man with the

rather shifty eyes, he'll have a rough cider.

But before that, I'll have another gin and tonic. Yes, sir.

Oh.

Beautiful. So, right.

So that's an enormous brandy, a rum and coke, a pink gin, a white scotch, a

wine, a cider and a lemon on the rocks.

Pardon, sir?

The lady in the sack dress at Bradley.

The flathead at Rum and Coke. The Scotsman behind a white gin.

The lady with the pink boobs at Cider.

And the... Just a minute, just a minute.

Thank you, that's it. Is

that mine?

Yes, sir. Thank you very much.

Say it again, please. Sir.

Now, I've got it this time. It's one brandy, one rum and lemon, a pink thing,

white lady with double boobs, rough rocks, wine on the house,

and a big bottle.

Pardon, sir?

Don't worry, it's all under control. Look, the lady in the sack wants a tall

scotch.

The bare lady with the behind wants a rum and coke.

My wife will have an old man on the rocks.

girl with the shifty boobs wants a big bottle of brandy on the house. The young

man with the flat wife wants an enormous wine. The white lady with the pink...

Just a minute.

Now, wait a minute. You've got... Yes,

I thought that was it. Yes. Is that mine?

Yes, sir. Oh, thank you.

Now,

are you listening? It's simple.

Simple.

I'll have a gin and tonic.

I've got one ready for you. Oh, thank you.

Either one of these, is it? Yes, sir. Oh, thank you.

Why don't you have a beer?

No, thank you, sir. Right. Now, I do exactly what I'm doing. All right? Here

goes.

The randy girl with the big bottle wants a rough Scotsman.

Rough Scotsman? The tall lemon wants a double shifty on the rocks.

The bear woman with the boobs like the side of a house wants a pink old man.

The normal chap with the flat gin wants my wife with the beer behind.

And the white lady wants a sack of Coke. It's simple enough. What are you

having? Oh, look, sir, I'm... No, no, ready? Now, wait a minute. No, look,

is it, right? Ready? Forget all previous orders. Just give me a sack of Coke,

two large rocks, two pink boobs, an enormous lemon and a large bear lady of

house.

That's all. I'm glad we finally got that sorted out. Yes, so have I, yes. One

sack of Coke. One sack of Coke.

Two large rocks. Two large rocks.

One pair of pink boots.

And a large pair of ladders.

And a large pair of ladders.

I'll take the lemon, you take the rock.

Come on, who ordered the pink boot?

Victorian London was now in a state of terror. The series of outrageous and

sudden attacks by the phantom raspberry blower continued.

No one was safe alone at night. Even married couples had taken to going

in pairs.

These victims being members of the aristocracy and their staff.

Did you see the man? Inspector Corner of the Yard, however, at last had a lead.

He now knows that the Phantom would only be satisfied when he had attacked the

Queen herself.

And so was born his master plan.

The Home Secretary, Sir Doddington Diddle, outlines his scheme to a group

special constables at Hendon.

on Her Majesty's passing by the phantom raspberry blower of old London, etc.

Therefore, we have found it necessary to take certain steps to repeat his

purposes.

Now your duty is clear.

You have all been chosen, Ozen, for your general facial resemblance to Her

Majesty.

specific duties to perform.

One of you will take up residence in Buckingham, Pallyoff.

Another will drive in an open Landau through Hyde Park.

The third will give a soiree at St. James' Pallyoff. So, in this way, we

hope to decoy the miscreant into being overconfident.

Where will Her Majesty really be, sir?

She will be playing the lead in Charlie's Aunt at the Hippodrome.

Ravishing, ravishing.

The

platoon

of six Queen Victoria's First Class set about their vital task of decoying the

raspberry blower into a lethal trap.

But each of the six suffered a different fate.

custard was posted to Windsor. He disappeared after being at the receiving

of a nasty one from under the table.

The second one was receiving debutants at Buckingham Palace, but the phantom

disguised himself as a Deb and struck again, and the poor constable was

discovered when his skirt was blown off by the force of the blast.

A third attack poisoned the coffee on the royal train, and the policeman never

recovered.

North Queen Victoria got stuck in a traffic jam at Luggett Circus and was

seen again.

And the fifth and sixth ones fell in love and lived happily ever after.

But worse was to come. On the night of

February the 3rd, 1899, the phantom's card was found underneath the Queen's

by her faithful retainer, John Brown.

Oh, my goodness, me!

The nation was shocked.

An emergency meeting was called at No. 10 Downing Street. All the heads of the

Commonwealth were present. The Prime Minister addressed them.

My Lords, Prime Ministers, Sultans, Potentates, Sheiks, Maharajas, and Miss

Maureen, my dear gentlemen.

We must take steps to isolate this threat to our dear Queen. Everything

takes second place.

Here, here. Here, here.

Here, here.

Here, here.

Now, here is my master plan to

get paid for the Bloomsbury Phantom Rasser of old.

Here,

I want a word with you.

Is nothing sacred? Can nothing be done?

Authority is once again powerless to stop him. Who is there who will now dare

pit his wits against the phantom raspberry blower of all time?

Here is the late news. A man who broke into the royal palace at Monaco and

to escape wearing shoes belonging to Prince Rainier's son and a dress

to his wife has been charged with putting on airs and graces.

The news from the courts, 30 drunken trippers who nipped off their coach for

certain reason on Hammersmith Bridge just as the Cambridge crew were passing

underneath.

have been each fined £10 for having one over the aches.

And the young woman from Wealdstone made an extremely serious complaint against

the famous cosmetic surgeon.

She said he gave her a perfect bust but made it far too big.

Having weighed the evidence, the police have put it in the hands of the public

hospital.

And a national health patient complained today how he was rushed around the

country for a series of emergency operations.

He had a hand operation at Kneesden.

and a knee operation at Handsworth.

Then he had a heart transplant at Liverpool, and a liver transplant at

Hartlepool.

Then he had a hair transplant at Littlehampton.

And on arriving at Harefield, he fainted.

the news for Friday, June the 4th, 2001.

King Foot of Europe is to abdicate.

With a name like Foot, it's hard to put on a brave face, he said.

It's been dragged through the mud many times, especially in wet weather.

Oh, I wish to take it easy, relax, and put it up for a while.

Mrs. Elizabeth Windsor, formerly the Queen, has applied to have her Council

redecorated.

The last time it was decorated was in 1971, when it received the OBE.

Asked who did the decorating, she replied, my husband and I.

And now, the main news story this evening.

Reports are just coming in of the discovery of a large container in a park

Ealing, which appears to have been dropped from an unknown aircraft.

It is emitting a strange, sweet -smelling gas.

which is rapidly being dispersed over a wide area.

Roger Kinsey reports.

Good evening.

I have been advised to wear this gaffer.

Quite frankly, it seems to me to be a complete waste of time, because these

ladies over here seem to be suffering from no ill effects whatsoever.

A canister was discovered early this morning and is marked on the side in

letters, Formation Gas.

What this means, we are not sure.

But scientists are now waiting for the appearance of a trigger device.

that will cause this, at the moment, harmless gas to start working.

Roger Kinsey, News at Ten, Ealing Common.

Mrs. Bates, number 11, Knocker Street.

And here is some film of what could be that trigger device.

a parachute was observed floating down above Acton a few minutes ago.

It just landed in the front garden of a house in Mulberry Crescent.

Two eminent scientists in protective clothing are even now about to examine

Perhaps they will be able to unravel the secret of the mysterious formation gas.

Roger Kinsey reports.

Approaching the moment of truth.

Everyone in the area has breathed the formation gas.

It remains to see now whether the scientists can render this trigger

harmless.

Good heavens. It appears they have now triggered off the device. Nothing can

stop this gas becoming effective.

Roger Kinsey, news at ten, on his bike.

Reports are just beginning to come in confirming that the gas is spreading.

Some commuters traveling home from work have already been affected.

Southend, the gas accidentally woke up several council roadmenders during

working hours.

Here comes Roger Kinsey again.

Police headquarters have recruited a special squad to deal with the

Our song was made by his mother in three evenings. It cost about seven pounds.

The government has just issued a special communique urging people not to panic

in the present crisis, which they hope will be short -lived. Simply keep calm

and dance about your business in the normal way.

Mr. Eric Morley has been made Minister of Dancing.

We must now all look towards Mecca for a solution.

Meanwhile, dear, dear General Dog's Body, has taken over as Supreme Allied

Commander in charge of all military two -steps.

However, the gas container has been loaded onto a lorry and is at this very

moment being driven to the south coast to be dumped in the sea, while the

trigger device is on its way north to be buried in a disused coal mine near

Middlesbrough. Let us hope that with them both travelling in opposite

directions, we are approaching the end of this bizarre affair.

Well, it's always funny.

Are we off, sir?

Now, what is sir going to have?

I would like a shave, please.

A shave. Oh, Mr. Engle's out for shaving, sir.

Mr. Engle?

Yes, yes. Customer for you.

All right.

Oh,

my God.

Morning, madam.

Morning.

Nice morning. Yes, it's a nice morning, isn't it?

Nice blue sky out there.

But quiet, mind you. Who's that nosy park of people in? Clear off, clear off.

I'd like a shave, please.

Will you mind waiting your turn, please? I've got to go.

I warned you about that before.

You've been in here before. I know you're a troubled man. Sorry. I'm sorry

that, lady. Sorry.

I'm not a lady. No matter how low you sink, women and ladies are all the same

me. Look, I haven't got much time. I haven't got much time. I haven't got

time either.

Now, we'll get this done in no time. I... Has the lady gone, then?

Yes, she has.

Oh, well, you must be next, I reckon. Now, what can I do for you? I would like

shave, please. A shave, yes.

That's, um... Uh -huh.

Now, are we going to leave this moustache on, do you think, or...? Yes,

Yes, I think you can afford it with a flattish nose like you have. You can

it off like that. Yes, will you hurry up, please? Yes, I will hurry up, yes.

That's it. Now, do you think... Oh, wait a minute. There we are. That's it. Do

you think Middlesex are going to beat Arsenal? I think they will do if the

going's all right.

You can't believe all you read in the papers, can you?

I... Only useful for fish and chips. Wait a minute. My glasses are steaming

bit. I... What?

In the summer, indoors as well.

Somebody must have left the roof off.

You've got lather on your glasses. Pardon? Lather on your glasses. Oh,

I'll wash it off. Oh, I've dropped them. Where are they?

Oh, there they are.

You've smashed them now, look.

Well, at least it stopped snowing.

Thank you for small mercies. There we are. Now, just give this a little...

this a little... Make sure it's all...

Have your beard off in no time. You won't know it's gone until you nod your

and it drops off.

I think I'll leave it. What? I've decided to grow a beard. Oh, no, most

unhygienic. Look, you're in no shape to shave me without your glasses.

Well, let's have a stab at it at least.

Goodness me, I know men's chins like the back of me own hand.

Oh, cut my hand there.

Look, I don't trust you. Look, I could do this blindfold.

Would you like a blindfold? No, I'd just like to go. Wait a minute, stay where

you are. No, no, please.

I just thought about that. Anything else you want? Any hair restorers? No.

Any other requisites at all? No, no, no.

Leave it on your Adam's apple. No, no.

Leave it.

Leave it. Oh, God.

Oh. Come in, please.

That's it.

That's it.

All right.

There we are.

Now, what would you like? A nice Tony Curtis? I'll sweep it back.

You know,

when the TV pioneer Logie Baird died, some people said he put all his money

bricks and mortar, and others that he'd hidden his wealth in a chair.

And I personally sometimes think they're both right.

I think he bought bricks and mortar and stuffed this chair with it.

Anyway, the story.

Oh, here we are. The story.

Imagine, if you will, the parade ring.

And the horses are being got ready.

And Lord Roseberry is standing there sharing a joke with Her Majesty.

Actually, he was telling the one about the old dowager who decided to streak

through the hunt ball, you know.

And as she was running through the ballroom with nothing on, one old

turned to another one and said, I say, wasn't that Felicity Manoring?

The other one said, yes, he said, I think it was. Did you notice what she

wearing?

He said, no, not exactly, but whatever it was, it certainly needs ironing.

When out of the corner of his eye, Lord Roseby, when out of the corner of his

eye, he sees one of the trainers feeding something to one of the horses.

Excuse me, he said, Your Majesty, excuse me, he said, but I think one of the

lads here is trying to pull a bit of a flanker.

Now, I expect at this point, A lot of you are surprised at my fluent use of

racing expressions, you know, as parade ring, Lord Roseberry,

horse.

Well, I'll let you into a little secret.

On the side, I do breed racehorses.

I haven't bred any yet, but I've got a damn good idea how it's done.

Actually... Owning a racehorse is something of a prestige symbol in this

business, you know, the sort of show you've made it.

Some people buy a racehorse, others get a divorce, you know.

My wife actually was in favour of the divorce.

She said it's more permanent, you know.

Something we could both enjoy. I remember when I first mentioned that I'd

to buy a racehorse, she didn't speak for nearly a minute.

Which is rather exciting.

Because another ten seconds and she'd have broken her own record.

Whatever, she said to me, whatever do you want a racehorse for? She said,

already got a dog.

Well, I had to explain to her the best will in the world, you can't expect a

-year -old poodle to win the Grand National.

Takes him all his time to put his leg up for the oaks.

But I digress. And I also seem to have forgotten the joke.

one of my fan letters.

Isn't that pathetic?

I got one fan letter and here I am deliberately boasting about it.

Anyway, thank you, Chunky of North Ely.

I'm sorry you took the standing up in the hammock joke too seriously.

Get well soon.

One. One lousy fan letter. Sorry, Chunky. No offence.

Well, at least... Oh, dear. Well, at least I'm honest about it. I'm honest

it. I wonder if I'll go down there and get that, will I?

It's a bit of a fall if I fall off here.

I'll go down and get it.

Oh, dear.

That's it. I'm getting vertigo here.

Please.

My wife's as bad as me. I took her the other day for a row in the surf and

She went down with scurvy.

At least I'm honest about it, the one fan letter. I mean, not like these

who come on the telly and say, I just want to thank all those millions of

viewers who wrote letters of sympathy after watching my show last week.

Who writes all those letters?

I mean, to me, the gas bill is fan mail.

Honestly, I carry it around pointing at my name in the little window, you know.

And when I pay it, I enclose an autographed photo of myself looking out

little window.

Back to the joke.

Now, we had got to the point where Lord Roseberry went over to the trainer and

he said, what have you just put in that horse's mouth?

And the trainer said, as a matter of fact, Your Lordship, I'm giving him a

lumps of sugar.

Look, there's nothing wrong with it. Taste it.

And he ate a bit himself, you see.

And Lord Roseberry ate a lump.

See?

He said, I'm sorry, said Lord Roseberry.

Having eaten the lump of sugar, he said, I'm sorry.

And I thought, for a moment, that you might have been banging him a dose of

old hurry -up mixture.

He had a quaint turn of phrase, did his lordship.

And when he'd gone, the trainer turned to the jockey and he said,

Now, what I want you to do, he said, is to hold him in for the first four

furlongs and then let him go.

Now, you've got nothing to worry about.

If anything passes you, it'll be either me or Lord Roseberry.

Ladies and gentlemen, in concert, Jehoshaphat and Joe.

Now just listen to me, darling.

What I say to you is for you.

If you really want to leave me, that's entirely up to you.

But believe me when I tell you, I'm really not to blame.

I still love you just the same.

It don't mean that I don't love you.

Just because I never speak.

And I never give you presents.

Take you swimming in the creek.

Just because I hate your cooking.

Oh, please don't get it.

I shot your grandma.

It don't mean I don't love you. It don't mean that I don't love you. When I

punch you on the nose.

Never buy you any clothes.

How can we remain together with so many hips and butts?

It don't mean that I don't love you.

But my wife, she hates your guts.

on behalf of me and my old pal and buddy Fat Belly here.

Please, I am. We're back and we are indeed back over in England. Isn't that

right, Fat Belly? Sure enough, Jim. Yeah, sure enough. Yeah, it was a great

privilege to come over here, you know, mingle with you lovely people again. I

sure do love to mingle. Yeah,

you sure do, Jim. Yeah, maybe that's what's wrong with the world today is

just don't mingle enough. Well, I bet there's people in this audience tonight

that ain't mongled for years.

We came here to sing a few songs.

Yep, make it worse.

Let's get back to where you were going with this little song we do. What's it

called? Well, I'm changing my glasses for a minute.

I got myself a gorgeous girl, she's just out of town.

She's always supposed to be evil whenever I'm around.

We never ever quarrel and she sees my point of view.

She just agrees with everything.

That's not strictly true.

She agrees we're like the bees and the birds up in the trees. She agrees it

looks wonderful and right.

She agrees in every way with everything I say. But she won't agree to do what I

asked her to last night.

She's such a healthy sort of girl. She plays all kinds of sports.

She's a wonderful all -rounder when she's wearing tennis shorts.

And when she plays a game, she gives it everything she's got. She plays

baseball, she plays pool, she plays hockey for the school. She can ski and

and fence and fly high.

Throw a dart or bounce a ball, she'll play any game at all.

But she wouldn't play the game that I asked her to last time. She agrees to

laugh sincere and she thinks that I'm a dear.

But she won't agree to do what I asked her to do.

She agrees that I've got class and she thinks that I'm a gas, but she won't

agree to do what I asked her to last night. No, she won't agree to do what I

asked her to last night.

I met her down in Arkansas and never saw the gal before, but she seemed a real

good pal.

She grew up with some cattle and her sister from Seattle, so she used to do

as well.

She was a big fat, what do you think of that, uptime downtown pal.

She was a huge star, really on the ball, great people on every day.

Traveled with the rodeo, working in the strip show, no two shows a day.

Count show a cat and bear, she would drop her underwear, everybody enjoyed

you could tell. She was a huge star, no place at all, uptime downtown pal.

She was a large...

Well, that's all for this week, except for two items of late news.

Mr. Arthur Perkins, the man who this week won £500 ,000 on the pools, has

announced that he will never work another day in his life.

He's staying on with British Rail.

And a Watford man has made a serious complaint against Sunnyview Naturist

Paradise. He said that after being in the nudist camp... For at least three

months, he had a letter from the secretary that began, Dear Sir or Madam.

But that's all we've time for, so it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight

from him. Goodnight.