All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s05e05.eng

Hello, and it's good to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

a packed programme tonight, we ask the
burning question about pilfering coal

miners. Do they have lots of slack in
their trousers?

And we'll have a feature on weenie
boppers and how you shouldn't make fun

people who've got them.

First, here is the news. There was an
embarrassing incident at Madame Tussauds

last week when Mr Callaghan unveiled a
wax model of himself and his chauffeur

drove it back to Downing Street by
mistake.

But luckily it had only held three
cabinet meetings before it was

And we've just heard that at a Golders
Green maternity hospital today, the wife

of a well -known ventriloquist gave
birth to a nine -pound, gouncing, gaggy

A new dance is sweeping the country.
It's called the pony trot.

Once round the floor, then outside for
your oats.

Sport.

Sorry, sport.

Reports that athletes indulge in too
much sex before meetings were hotly

today by sprinter Wellesley Blunt.

He went on to win the 100 metres in a
time of two hours, 37 minutes.

Now for the notices.

There'll be a conference and sermon in
the Free Church Hall tomorrow for those

who thirst after righteousness.

And for those who thirst before
righteousness, the cat and fiddle opens

In a sketch that follows about teddy
boys and topless girls at a dance, I

around with a pair of rockers.

And I rock around with a pair of Notts
County footballers.

Morning. Morning.

Morning.

Lovely day, isn't it?

Beautiful day.

Beautiful day.

Beautiful day.

Chilly but crisp.

Frosty but nice.

Racing and bright.

Live in the air. Good for the blood.

Gives you a glow.

Spring in your step.

Makes you feel good.

Talk of the world. Walking on air.

So full of beans.

I quite agree.

Been to your halls at the weekend.

Anywhere nice?

Cornwall for us. Same every year. Booked
it all up. Bought two to Lou. Bought

two to Lou.

Monty for me.

Going abroad.

Fiddle -dee -dee. Fiddle -dee -dee.
Fiddle -dee -dee.

Seen this bit here?

What does it say?

Says that a man, age 42, took a young
girl back to his flat, gave her some

drinks, then she passed out. When she
woke up... She was in bed, in the Near

East, and nothing else. Know what I
mean? Man of the world. Need I say more?

Words of the wise.

You're a one.

Rubbish like that makes me feel sick.
Who wants to read that sort of filth?

Vickers and scouts, orgies and drugs,
bosoms and boots, brazen young bits,

fronting their flesh, showing their
thighs, all that they've got. World's in

mess. Going to pot. Sign of the times.
Gotta feel hot. Think I'll trip off.

on the twist.

Give us a kiss. Get back, you fool.

I'm most awfully sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

It's quite all right. Say no more to my
feet.

Just one of those things.

George.

Thank you so much.

Wouldn't mind if it's the same thing
every day.

One thing about these white people,
they've got a... The bridge sends a

Good

evening.

What would you like?

Well, to start with, I'll have a large
gin and tonic. Very large.

White and lemon, sir?

If there's room in the glass, yes.

And what else, sir?

Well, as a matter of fact, I've just met
these people. I don't know them at all.

They're all friends of my wife.

Let's see. The lady in the sack dress
wants an enormous brandy.

The young man with the flat head wants a
rum and coke.

Andy, he's the tall chap. He's Scottish.
He wants a pink gin with lemon.

The girl with the boobs wants a white
lady.

My wife will have a scotch of the rocks.
The woman with the bare arms behind

her, she will have half a bottle of the
house wine. And the old man with the

rather shifty eyes, he'll have a rough
cider.

But before that, I'll have another gin
and tonic. Yes, sir.

Oh.

Beautiful. So, right.

So that's an enormous brandy, a rum and
coke, a pink gin, a white scotch, a

wine, a cider and a lemon on the rocks.

Pardon, sir?

The lady in the sack dress at Bradley.

The flathead at Rum and Coke. The
Scotsman behind a white gin.

The lady with the pink boobs at Cider.

And the... Just a minute, just a minute.

Thank you, that's it. Is

that mine?

Yes, sir. Thank you very much.

Say it again, please. Sir.

Now, I've got it this time. It's one
brandy, one rum and lemon, a pink thing,

white lady with double boobs, rough
rocks, wine on the house,

and a big bottle.

Pardon, sir?

Don't worry, it's all under control.
Look, the lady in the sack wants a tall

scotch.

The bare lady with the behind wants a
rum and coke.

My wife will have an old man on the
rocks.

girl with the shifty boobs wants a big
bottle of brandy on the house. The young

man with the flat wife wants an enormous
wine. The white lady with the pink...

Just a minute.

Now, wait a minute. You've got... Yes,

I thought that was it. Yes. Is that
mine?

Yes, sir. Oh, thank you.

Now,

are you listening? It's simple.

Simple.

I'll have a gin and tonic.

I've got one ready for you. Oh, thank
you.

Either one of these, is it? Yes, sir.
Oh, thank you.

Why don't you have a beer?

No, thank you, sir. Right. Now, I do
exactly what I'm doing. All right? Here

goes.

The randy girl with the big bottle wants
a rough Scotsman.

Rough Scotsman? The tall lemon wants a
double shifty on the rocks.

The bear woman with the boobs like the
side of a house wants a pink old man.

The normal chap with the flat gin wants
my wife with the beer behind.

And the white lady wants a sack of Coke.
It's simple enough. What are you

having? Oh, look, sir, I'm... No, no,
ready? Now, wait a minute. No, look,

is it, right? Ready? Forget all previous
orders. Just give me a sack of Coke,

two large rocks, two pink boobs, an
enormous lemon and a large bear lady of

house.

That's all. I'm glad we finally got that
sorted out. Yes, so have I, yes. One

sack of Coke. One sack of Coke.

Two large rocks. Two large rocks.

One pair of pink boots.

And a large pair of ladders.

And a large pair of ladders.

I'll take the lemon, you take the rock.

Come on, who ordered the pink boot?

Victorian London was now in a state of
terror. The series of outrageous and

sudden attacks by the phantom raspberry
blower continued.

No one was safe alone at night. Even
married couples had taken to going

in pairs.

These victims being members of the
aristocracy and their staff.

Did you see the man? Inspector Corner of
the Yard, however, at last had a lead.

He now knows that the Phantom would only
be satisfied when he had attacked the

Queen herself.

And so was born his master plan.

The Home Secretary, Sir Doddington
Diddle, outlines his scheme to a group

special constables at Hendon.

on Her Majesty's passing by the phantom
raspberry blower of old London, etc.

Therefore, we have found it necessary to
take certain steps to repeat his

purposes.

Now your duty is clear.

You have all been chosen, Ozen, for your
general facial resemblance to Her

Majesty.

specific duties to perform.

One of you will take up residence in
Buckingham, Pallyoff.

Another will drive in an open Landau
through Hyde Park.

The third will give a soiree at St.
James' Pallyoff. So, in this way, we

hope to decoy the miscreant into being
overconfident.

Where will Her Majesty really be, sir?

She will be playing the lead in
Charlie's Aunt at the Hippodrome.

Ravishing, ravishing.

The

platoon

of six Queen Victoria's First Class set
about their vital task of decoying the

raspberry blower into a lethal trap.

But each of the six suffered a different
fate.

custard was posted to Windsor. He
disappeared after being at the receiving

of a nasty one from under the table.

The second one was receiving debutants
at Buckingham Palace, but the phantom

disguised himself as a Deb and struck
again, and the poor constable was

discovered when his skirt was blown off
by the force of the blast.

A third attack poisoned the coffee on
the royal train, and the policeman never

recovered.

North Queen Victoria got stuck in a
traffic jam at Luggett Circus and was

seen again.

And the fifth and sixth ones fell in
love and lived happily ever after.

But worse was to come. On the night of

February the 3rd, 1899, the phantom's
card was found underneath the Queen's

by her faithful retainer, John Brown.

Oh, my goodness, me!

The nation was shocked.

An emergency meeting was called at No.
10 Downing Street. All the heads of the

Commonwealth were present. The Prime
Minister addressed them.

My Lords, Prime Ministers, Sultans,
Potentates, Sheiks, Maharajas, and Miss

Maureen, my dear gentlemen.

We must take steps to isolate this
threat to our dear Queen. Everything

takes second place.

Here, here. Here, here.

Here, here.

Here, here.

Now, here is my master plan to

get paid for the Bloomsbury Phantom
Rasser of old.

Here,

I want a word with you.

Is nothing sacred? Can nothing be done?

Authority is once again powerless to
stop him. Who is there who will now dare

pit his wits against the phantom
raspberry blower of all time?

Here is the late news. A man who broke
into the royal palace at Monaco and

to escape wearing shoes belonging to
Prince Rainier's son and a dress

to his wife has been charged with
putting on airs and graces.

The news from the courts, 30 drunken
trippers who nipped off their coach for

certain reason on Hammersmith Bridge
just as the Cambridge crew were passing

underneath.

have been each fined £10 for having one
over the aches.

And the young woman from Wealdstone made
an extremely serious complaint against

the famous cosmetic surgeon.

She said he gave her a perfect bust but
made it far too big.

Having weighed the evidence, the police
have put it in the hands of the public

hospital.

And a national health patient complained
today how he was rushed around the

country for a series of emergency
operations.

He had a hand operation at Kneesden.

and a knee operation at Handsworth.

Then he had a heart transplant at
Liverpool, and a liver transplant at

Hartlepool.

Then he had a hair transplant at
Littlehampton.

And on arriving at Harefield, he
fainted.

the news for Friday, June the 4th, 2001.

King Foot of Europe is to abdicate.

With a name like Foot, it's hard to put
on a brave face, he said.

It's been dragged through the mud many
times, especially in wet weather.

Oh, I wish to take it easy, relax, and
put it up for a while.

Mrs. Elizabeth Windsor, formerly the
Queen, has applied to have her Council

redecorated.

The last time it was decorated was in
1971, when it received the OBE.

Asked who did the decorating, she
replied, my husband and I.

And now, the main news story this
evening.

Reports are just coming in of the
discovery of a large container in a park

Ealing, which appears to have been
dropped from an unknown aircraft.

It is emitting a strange, sweet
-smelling gas.

which is rapidly being dispersed over a
wide area.

Roger Kinsey reports.

Good evening.

I have been advised to wear this gaffer.

Quite frankly, it seems to me to be a
complete waste of time, because these

ladies over here seem to be suffering
from no ill effects whatsoever.

A canister was discovered early this
morning and is marked on the side in

letters, Formation Gas.

What this means, we are not sure.

But scientists are now waiting for the
appearance of a trigger device.

that will cause this, at the moment,
harmless gas to start working.

Roger Kinsey, News at Ten, Ealing
Common.

Mrs. Bates, number 11, Knocker Street.

And here is some film of what could be
that trigger device.

a parachute was observed floating down
above Acton a few minutes ago.

It just landed in the front garden of a
house in Mulberry Crescent.

Two eminent scientists in protective
clothing are even now about to examine

Perhaps they will be able to unravel the
secret of the mysterious formation gas.

Roger Kinsey reports.

Approaching the moment of truth.

Everyone in the area has breathed the
formation gas.

It remains to see now whether the
scientists can render this trigger

harmless.

Good heavens. It appears they have now
triggered off the device. Nothing can

stop this gas becoming effective.

Roger Kinsey, news at ten, on his bike.

Reports are just beginning to come in
confirming that the gas is spreading.

Some commuters traveling home from work
have already been affected.

Southend, the gas accidentally woke up
several council roadmenders during

working hours.

Here comes Roger Kinsey again.

Police headquarters have recruited a
special squad to deal with the

Our song was made by his mother in three
evenings. It cost about seven pounds.

The government has just issued a special
communique urging people not to panic

in the present crisis, which they hope
will be short -lived. Simply keep calm

and dance about your business in the
normal way.

Mr. Eric Morley has been made Minister
of Dancing.

We must now all look towards Mecca for a
solution.

Meanwhile, dear, dear General Dog's
Body, has taken over as Supreme Allied

Commander in charge of all military two
-steps.

However, the gas container has been
loaded onto a lorry and is at this very

moment being driven to the south coast
to be dumped in the sea, while the

trigger device is on its way north to be
buried in a disused coal mine near

Middlesbrough. Let us hope that with
them both travelling in opposite

directions, we are approaching the end
of this bizarre affair.

Well, it's always funny.

Are we off, sir?

Now, what is sir going to have?

I would like a shave, please.

A shave. Oh, Mr. Engle's out for
shaving, sir.

Mr. Engle?

Yes, yes. Customer for you.

All right.

Oh,

my God.

Morning, madam.

Morning.

Nice morning. Yes, it's a nice morning,
isn't it?

Nice blue sky out there.

But quiet, mind you. Who's that nosy
park of people in? Clear off, clear off.

I'd like a shave, please.

Will you mind waiting your turn, please?
I've got to go.

I warned you about that before.

You've been in here before. I know
you're a troubled man. Sorry. I'm sorry

that, lady. Sorry.

I'm not a lady. No matter how low you
sink, women and ladies are all the same

me. Look, I haven't got much time. I
haven't got much time. I haven't got

time either.

Now, we'll get this done in no time.
I... Has the lady gone, then?

Yes, she has.

Oh, well, you must be next, I reckon.
Now, what can I do for you? I would like

shave, please. A shave, yes.

That's, um... Uh -huh.

Now, are we going to leave this
moustache on, do you think, or...? Yes,

Yes, I think you can afford it with a
flattish nose like you have. You can

it off like that. Yes, will you hurry
up, please? Yes, I will hurry up, yes.

That's it. Now, do you think... Oh, wait
a minute. There we are. That's it. Do

you think Middlesex are going to beat
Arsenal? I think they will do if the

going's all right.

You can't believe all you read in the
papers, can you?

I... Only useful for fish and chips.
Wait a minute. My glasses are steaming

bit. I... What?

In the summer, indoors as well.

Somebody must have left the roof off.

You've got lather on your glasses.
Pardon? Lather on your glasses. Oh,

I'll wash it off. Oh, I've dropped them.
Where are they?

Oh, there they are.

You've smashed them now, look.

Well, at least it stopped snowing.

Thank you for small mercies. There we
are. Now, just give this a little...

this a little... Make sure it's all...

Have your beard off in no time. You
won't know it's gone until you nod your

and it drops off.

I think I'll leave it. What? I've
decided to grow a beard. Oh, no, most

unhygienic. Look, you're in no shape to
shave me without your glasses.

Well, let's have a stab at it at least.

Goodness me, I know men's chins like the
back of me own hand.

Oh, cut my hand there.

Look, I don't trust you. Look, I could
do this blindfold.

Would you like a blindfold? No, I'd just
like to go. Wait a minute, stay where

you are. No, no, please.

I just thought about that. Anything else
you want? Any hair restorers? No.

Any other requisites at all? No, no, no.

Leave it on your Adam's apple. No, no.

Leave it.

Leave it. Oh, God.

Oh. Come in, please.

That's it.

That's it.

All right.

There we are.

Now, what would you like? A nice Tony
Curtis? I'll sweep it back.

You know,

when the TV pioneer Logie Baird died,
some people said he put all his money

bricks and mortar, and others that he'd
hidden his wealth in a chair.

And I personally sometimes think they're
both right.

I think he bought bricks and mortar and
stuffed this chair with it.

Anyway, the story.

Oh, here we are. The story.

Imagine, if you will, the parade ring.

And the horses are being got ready.

And Lord Roseberry is standing there
sharing a joke with Her Majesty.

Actually, he was telling the one about
the old dowager who decided to streak

through the hunt ball, you know.

And as she was running through the
ballroom with nothing on, one old

turned to another one and said, I say,
wasn't that Felicity Manoring?

The other one said, yes, he said, I
think it was. Did you notice what she

wearing?

He said, no, not exactly, but whatever
it was, it certainly needs ironing.

When out of the corner of his eye, Lord
Roseby, when out of the corner of his

eye, he sees one of the trainers feeding
something to one of the horses.

Excuse me, he said, Your Majesty, excuse
me, he said, but I think one of the

lads here is trying to pull a bit of a
flanker.

Now, I expect at this point, A lot of
you are surprised at my fluent use of

racing expressions, you know, as parade
ring, Lord Roseberry,

horse.

Well, I'll let you into a little secret.

On the side, I do breed racehorses.

I haven't bred any yet, but I've got a
damn good idea how it's done.

Actually... Owning a racehorse is
something of a prestige symbol in this

business, you know, the sort of show
you've made it.

Some people buy a racehorse, others get
a divorce, you know.

My wife actually was in favour of the
divorce.

She said it's more permanent, you know.

Something we could both enjoy. I
remember when I first mentioned that I'd

to buy a racehorse, she didn't speak for
nearly a minute.

Which is rather exciting.

Because another ten seconds and she'd
have broken her own record.

Whatever, she said to me, whatever do
you want a racehorse for? She said,

already got a dog.

Well, I had to explain to her the best
will in the world, you can't expect a

-year -old poodle to win the Grand
National.

Takes him all his time to put his leg up
for the oaks.

But I digress. And I also seem to have
forgotten the joke.

one of my fan letters.

Isn't that pathetic?

I got one fan letter and here I am
deliberately boasting about it.

Anyway, thank you, Chunky of North Ely.

I'm sorry you took the standing up in
the hammock joke too seriously.

Get well soon.

One. One lousy fan letter. Sorry,
Chunky. No offence.

Well, at least... Oh, dear. Well, at
least I'm honest about it. I'm honest

it. I wonder if I'll go down there and
get that, will I?

It's a bit of a fall if I fall off here.

I'll go down and get it.

Oh, dear.

That's it. I'm getting vertigo here.

Please.

My wife's as bad as me. I took her the
other day for a row in the surf and

She went down with scurvy.

At least I'm honest about it, the one
fan letter. I mean, not like these

who come on the telly and say, I just
want to thank all those millions of

viewers who wrote letters of sympathy
after watching my show last week.

Who writes all those letters?

I mean, to me, the gas bill is fan mail.

Honestly, I carry it around pointing at
my name in the little window, you know.

And when I pay it, I enclose an
autographed photo of myself looking out

little window.

Back to the joke.

Now, we had got to the point where Lord
Roseberry went over to the trainer and

he said, what have you just put in that
horse's mouth?

And the trainer said, as a matter of
fact, Your Lordship, I'm giving him a

lumps of sugar.

Look, there's nothing wrong with it.
Taste it.

And he ate a bit himself, you see.

And Lord Roseberry ate a lump.

See?

He said, I'm sorry, said Lord Roseberry.

Having eaten the lump of sugar, he said,
I'm sorry.

And I thought, for a moment, that you
might have been banging him a dose of

old hurry -up mixture.

He had a quaint turn of phrase, did his
lordship.

And when he'd gone, the trainer turned
to the jockey and he said,

Now, what I want you to do, he said, is
to hold him in for the first four

furlongs and then let him go.

Now, you've got nothing to worry about.

If anything passes you, it'll be either
me or Lord Roseberry.

Ladies and gentlemen, in concert,
Jehoshaphat and Joe.

Now just listen to me, darling.

What I say to you is for you.

If you really want to leave me, that's
entirely up to you.

But believe me when I tell you, I'm
really not to blame.

I still love you just the same.

It don't mean that I don't love you.

Just because I never speak.

And I never give you presents.

Take you swimming in the creek.

Just because I hate your cooking.

Oh, please don't get it.

I shot your grandma.

It don't mean I don't love you. It don't
mean that I don't love you. When I

punch you on the nose.

Never buy you any clothes.

How can we remain together with so many
hips and butts?

It don't mean that I don't love you.

But my wife, she hates your guts.

on behalf of me and my old pal and buddy
Fat Belly here.

Please, I am. We're back and we are
indeed back over in England. Isn't that

right, Fat Belly? Sure enough, Jim.
Yeah, sure enough. Yeah, it was a great

privilege to come over here, you know,
mingle with you lovely people again. I

sure do love to mingle. Yeah,

you sure do, Jim. Yeah, maybe that's
what's wrong with the world today is

just don't mingle enough. Well, I bet
there's people in this audience tonight

that ain't mongled for years.

We came here to sing a few songs.

Yep, make it worse.

Let's get back to where you were going
with this little song we do. What's it

called? Well, I'm changing my glasses
for a minute.

I got myself a gorgeous girl, she's just
out of town.

She's always supposed to be evil
whenever I'm around.

We never ever quarrel and she sees my
point of view.

She just agrees with everything.

That's not strictly true.

She agrees we're like the bees and the
birds up in the trees. She agrees it

looks wonderful and right.

She agrees in every way with everything
I say. But she won't agree to do what I

asked her to last night.

She's such a healthy sort of girl. She
plays all kinds of sports.

She's a wonderful all -rounder when
she's wearing tennis shorts.

And when she plays a game, she gives it
everything she's got. She plays

baseball, she plays pool, she plays
hockey for the school. She can ski and

and fence and fly high.

Throw a dart or bounce a ball, she'll
play any game at all.

But she wouldn't play the game that I
asked her to last time. She agrees to

laugh sincere and she thinks that I'm a
dear.

But she won't agree to do what I asked
her to do.

She agrees that I've got class and she
thinks that I'm a gas, but she won't

agree to do what I asked her to last
night. No, she won't agree to do what I

asked her to last night.

I met her down in Arkansas and never saw
the gal before, but she seemed a real

good pal.

She grew up with some cattle and her
sister from Seattle, so she used to do

as well.

She was a big fat, what do you think of
that, uptime downtown pal.

She was a huge star, really on the ball,
great people on every day.

Traveled with the rodeo, working in the
strip show, no two shows a day.

Count show a cat and bear, she would
drop her underwear, everybody enjoyed

you could tell. She was a huge star, no
place at all, uptime downtown pal.

She was a large...

Well, that's all for this week, except
for two items of late news.

Mr. Arthur Perkins, the man who this
week won £500 ,000 on the pools, has

announced that he will never work
another day in his life.

He's staying on with British Rail.

And a Watford man has made a serious
complaint against Sunnyview Naturist

Paradise. He said that after being in
the nudist camp... For at least three

months, he had a letter from the
secretary that began, Dear Sir or Madam.

But that's all we've time for, so it's
goodnight from me. And it's goodnight

from him. Goodnight.

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