All language subtitles for The Two Ronnies s05e02

Good evening. It's nice to be with you
again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

in a packed program tonight, we shall
meet an East End docker who has retired

after 40 years to take a well -earned
job.

Then we'll be talking to a man who
crossed a Morse code transmitter with a

xenopod and got a dot, dot, dot and a
very quick dash.

But first, here is the news.

The pound had another good day
yesterday.

It rose sharply at ten o 'clock, had a
light breakfast and went for a stroll in

the park.

Mr and Mrs Wilson won't be visiting the
sillies this year.

Instead, Mr and Mrs Silly are visiting
the Wilson.

And Mr Ernest Waldron, a cattle expert
who spent his whole life examining the

back legs of cows, was given a special
award today.

He said, Mr Waldron, this is the first
time I've had a pat on the back.

We've just... We've just heard today
that British Rail have announced

a new service for naughty couples going
to Brighton. The Have It Away Day.

But now a sketch about ghosts and
ghouls, in which I get caught by the

I get caught by surprise.

Over here, I think that... Oh, hello.

Hello. Hello.

Well,

fancy meeting old him here.

Just what I was thinking. I mean, fancy
meeting...

This is a terribly old friend of mine,
and

this is his wife, you see.

Hello.

How do you do? This is my wife.

How do you do, wife?

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, of course, I haven't introduced
you to my wife. Who?

The wife. Yes.

This is his wife.

This is her husband.

Husband and wife.

And, of course, this is my wife. And I
am her husband.

Well, now that we've all met each other,
shall we just continue enjoying our

drinks?

Just like old times, isn't it, Mark?

It's just like old times, isn't it? Is
it just... I mean, are you still doing

what you were doing before?

Yes, I am still doing it. Are you still
doing the same? No, I finished.

Oh, he's finished.

He's finished doing the same.

Well, it was getting a bit much, you
know.

Oh, I know far too much. Yes, and we did
have the trouble.

Yes, we heard.

I was awfully sorry.

Well, actually, we were both very sorry.

What about us?

So what about... Sorry, what about...
What about the trouble? Oh. Because we

trouble too.

Oh, yes. Well, there's a lot of it about
you.

What's that, dear?

Trouble, dear. There's a lot of trouble.
I was just saying to her husband.

I was just saying to... Peter.

Peter. No, not.

Peter not. Peter not.

No, no, not Peter. No, not Peter. That's
Peter out there. That's Peter out

there. No, that's Jonathan out there.
That's Jonathan. You're getting confused

here. That's Jonathan out there. I'm
terrible with names myself, you know.

I'm exactly the same, particularly with
people I know awfully well, you know.

Yes. I'm just saying to, um, to, uh...
The wife. To who? The wife. The wife.

That's right. I'm saying the truth. Yes.

Hello.

Hello.

Have you two introduced yourselves?

Introduced ourselves?

Well, we've known each other for, what,
five, ten, fifteen... Twenty.

Twenty minutes.

Months. Months.

Twenty years.

Twenty years, man and boy.

I've known him since he was that high.

Well, that high.

Well, that low, yes.

Well, goodness, we know each other very
well.

Oh, yes, we were at, uh, we were at, uh,
Thing together.

Oh, at Thing. Yes. For years.

Yes, four years. Was it four years?

We were at Thing. Yes, oh, we were. Do
you remember old, uh... Old Thingy? Yes,

in the, uh... In the... In the what's
-it? In the what's -it, yes. Ha -ha. And

the little, uh... Oujar. The Oujar.

Oh, yes.

Oh, good heavens, we've known each other
intimately for years. You've never met

before.

What do you mean, never met before, you
mean?

What do you mean, never met before, you
mean?

Never.

Well, well.

Well, never.

So I suppose we've never met before. No,
not before this.

No, well, I... Oh, nonsense.

Oh, nonsense. Rubbish.

What's his name?

What's his name?

What, him? Him here?

That one.

What's his name?

That's his wife. And, um, this is my
wife. Yes. And, um... What's his name?

Uh, what old? What's his name? Uh, oh,
he's, uh, um... Larry

Gitis. No, no, no.

Aladdin. No, no, no.

It's Bob and Harry.

Oh, God, you remember Bob and Harry? Oh,

God, you've never met before.

Ever.

Your wife.

have met before

And I want to appeal to you tonight on
behalf of a cause which is extremely

close to my heart.

Myself.

I need a lot more money, and you can
help me get it.

Why do I need this money? Because I'm
suffering from a very serious complaint.

Laziness.

I'm what is known in the medical
profession as Bone Idol.

Now, it costs money to run my large,
spacious home, Albert Fosdyke House, set

glorious countryside in the Cosworth.

And recently I've opened another home,
the sunshine home for Albert Fosdyke on

the French Riviera.

Now, it doesn't run itself, you know.

Also, I have a sister establishment on
the Costa Brava, and I've established

four sisters in it, and they're real
belters.

Now, in addition to this, I also have a
wife to support, my very good friend

Henry Parkinson's wife.

at a cost of several hundred pounds a
new tradesman's entrance.

And that's where you come in.

Now, all this costs money. Your money.
That's why I'm appealing to you tonight.

I just can't make ends meet. And
frankly, I'm going to the docks. And I

win there either.

My health is suffering.

Only yesterday I had a very unpleasant
message from my doctor.

He said you have less than a month to
live unless you marry my daughter.

Now, that sort of thing can be quite a
shock. Now, just two words about cast

-off clothing, warm woolens and silver
paper. No thanks.

I have a scheme which I think you will
find much more attractive. The pound in

your pocket is now only worth 69p.

So you send me the pound notes and I'll
send you the 69p.

Will your money be spent? Well, £100
will go straight away on harbour lights

the 230 at Ascot.

And as little as £50 a week will keep me
in lobsters the whole week. So please

send your contributions, however large,
to this address.

The Albert Fosdyke Appeal for Albert
Fosdyke, care of Her Majesty the Queen,

Wandsworth Prison.

In 1898, a city shrouded in fog.

Somewhere within the labyrinths of its
narrow streets lurked a madman, ready to

bring discomfort and disgust to
respectable citizens throughout the

Already the Prime Minister's butler had
suffered a terrifying attack.

I've never been so... Our hero,

Inspector Corner of the Yard, and the
tireless and loyal... Sergeant Bowles,

prepared to pit their wits pitilessly
against the phantom.

Where would he strike next?

It was at this point that a pattern
began to emerge.

Three nights later at Great Bardling's
Woodstock, the country house of Lady

Penelope Barclay Hunt, whose ancient
family was seventh in line of succession

the throne, was the next link in a chain
of horror.

The manor a treasure house of heirlooms
was guarded by her ladyship's private

police force.

It was getting on for midnight, and Lady
Penelope was being entertained by her

pantry man, Heathcliff.

Gertrude, is the silver locked away?

Yes, milady.

Is the cat out?

Oh, yes, milady.

Out like a light.

Very well, James.

Has anyone ever told you that you are
very attractive, James?

No, m 'lady.

I'm not surprised. You're repulsive.

Still, it's a lonely life since I lost
my little podgy.

Oh, I think you exaggerate, m 'lady.

You've still got quite a lot of podgy,
in my opinion.

Will that be all, milady?

No, James.

Very good, milady.

The same as usual.

The same as usual.

Private police force works tirelessly
through the night, questioning

characters.

Here, I want to work with you.

Meanwhile, back in Scotland Yard,
Inspector Corner sat thinking in the

of his own office.

I was wrong, Bowles. He did strike
again.

And a person of royal blood.

Can't believe it. It's all so pointless.

Oh, sorry, sir.

The shock of the attack turned her
ladyship's hair white and her face

For the time being, she is being held as
an illegal immigrant.

Two work bowls.

Let's go through the sequence of events
in order.

Go through the facts.

One at a time.

Pying things up.

Looking for clues.

First, take the scene at number ten.

The butler, answer the door.

When the attacker produced his card, he
collapsed upon the floor.

When the assailant left, he made a most
peculiar noise.

He shocked the Duchess, man on crutches,
and three small boys.

Next Lady P, Barclay Hunt.

Terrible thing.

Horrible stunt.

There was a lady... in bed with nothing
at all on her mind, he rushed a terrible

creature and attacked her from behind.

Disgusting. She got a fright, her hair
turned white and her face a very dark

grey. The pantry man, Jim, what happened
to him?

He's hard of fading away.

Jealousy could have been the motive.

Could be a solution.

Both victims guilty him. He's seeking
retribution.

Now all we do is find someone who fits
the plan.

Someone who fancies a tall brunette and
a big, fat man.

Once again, the great British police
force relentlessly pursued their prey in

completely the wrong direction.

Not a mile from Scotland Yard in the
Houses of Parliament, Mr Disraeli was

having a stormy passage with the
opposition at question time.

I tell you, Mr Gladstone, I can buy the
Suez Canal for the whole town.

Believe me, I say, I'll get it, I'll get
it.

What about the prostitution bill?

Aye, sir, aye.

Next question.

What is brown, steams and comes out of
cows backwards?

All right, Mr Churchill.

If that's the way you want to play it,
all I can say is... Holy

my wallet.

Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dixon.

Here's the late news.

Police are clamping down on dealers who
make fortunes selling stolen cars which

have been sawn in half and welded to
other vehicles, said Superintendent

from the wheel of his E -type combine
harvester today.

News from Hollywood.

Zsa Zsa Gabor has announced that owing
to illness, she has cancelled all her

engagements for three months, but her
marriages will go ahead as planned.

The president of the Wine Tasters
Association today paid tribute to their

retiring secretary, Mrs Prudence Vine.

He described her as plucky and full
-bodied and well worth laying down for a

couple of years.

Later tonight we'll be interviewing a
very sexy interior decorator and his

who fall out of bed every night because
they prefer a matte finish.

Now a sketch featuring Ronnie Corbett,
who in fact buys all his suits off the

peg, at any shop selling Action Man.

Good evening.

Tonight in Getaway, we are looking at
holidays in Britain, through the eyes of

an Austrian family over here for their
first trip abroad.

And our holiday resort this week is
Fleur, a few miles west of London.

A holiday in Slough for two weeks could
cost you anything from £65 to £320,

depending on what you're looking for.

And also, of course, on whether you find
it or not.

Jack Weston reports.

Slough can be, and often is, described
as the back end of beyond. And it was

this reason that our Austrian family, Mr
and Mrs Daffberger, their daughter

Mitzi, and Mrs Daffberger's brother
Frugal, chose it from the travel

They eventually chose two weeks at the
Acme Fish and Chip Shop in the high

school, with a cost of 110 pounds each
for the fortnight.

This holiday is about the middle price
range.

Before settling on this, they tried two
others.

One, at the top price of over 300
pounds, in Large Avenue.

This price, of course, 300 pounds, was
all fine.

And she looks as if she knows where to
find me.

Unfortunately,

she only had room for two.

The second alternative was the cheapest
in the range.

across the road at 31.

This

one

worked out at only £3 .25p for the
night, with an evening meal thrown in.

Smough offers a lot in the way of
sightseeing.

This gas works, for instance, which is
in the way of everything.

But for a few pence, you can pick up a
kindly old guide who will show you the

town.

There are many traditions and ceremonies
to be witnessed, such as closing time

at the pub on Sunday lunchtime.

Traditional British crafts are always of
interest, such as road sweeping.

Here is an example of how poverty and
riches live together side by side, and

respect they have for each other.

The Daffburgers are very fond of
mountain sports, and Frugal was

pursue his favorite pastime during his
fortnight stay.

shopping is always a must for the
Daffburgers, and there are many British

to be found in the quaint little shops
scattered along the winding main street.

The whole family seem pleased with their
purchasing.

Mitzi, as you see, has got a pair of
wonderful bed warmers.

And frugal, something he has always
wanted.

And finally, nightlife.

Why not dine al fresco at one of the
attractive local night watchman's huts?

Its gay, striped awning and its
welcoming charcoal barbecue, which burns

the night and provides a charming
setting for your evening meal.

Traditional fare of doorstep sandwiches
and stewed tea are provided, and these

night spots are generously subsidized by
your local council.

Some sort of cabaret is usually
available, though this may be at

times. And don't expect to see a great
spectacle like the changing of the

In Slough, the best you're likely to get
is the changing of the drawers.

Well, there you have it. Two weeks in
slow. Looks good.

Finally tonight, the result of our
competition, the trip that viewers have

the trip of the year. And funnily
enough, it's Downing Street.

Thank you. This evening, I'd like, if I
may, to tell you a story about a chap

who was cast ashore on a desert island.

Now, oh, by the way, this is not the one
about the two Irishmen on a desert

island, you know.

You know, who found a lifeboat and broke
it up to make a raft.

No, it's not that one. I'm glad it's not
that one, really, because, you know,

that's a bit ridiculous. No, this is
actually... This is actually about a

who was a passenger on a flight to New
York.

And when they started the film, he'd
seen it before on the telly, you know,

he was so disgusted, he got up and
walked out.

As soon as he lands in the water, he
realises what he's done, you see, and he

gets very depressed.

Bless my soul, he said, and help.

But the people in the airplane, they
can't hear him, you see.

Well, they're all watching Doris Day and
drinking their duty freeze and

shouting, shut that door.

So there he is, being tossed about by
the waves.

Oh, sorry, that reminds me.

A little wave, if I may, to my mum and
dad.

No, I like to do that, because actually
my mother, you know, still thinks of me

as a wee baby.

Well, let's face it, you know, I was a
wee baby.

I spent the first two years of my life
on a charm bracelet.

Now, that's not exactly true, but if I
told you the truth, you'd never believe

me. And she's very proud of me. Just as
I was leaving tonight, she looked at me.

Her face was radiant and her eyes were
shining.

I don't know what she's taking, but I
wish I could get something.

She turned to my dad, who was sitting
there sewing a button on his hat.

Well, he's had a lot of worry lately.

And she said, Ty, Ty.

She calls him Ty, you know, short for
Titanic, because she thinks he's a bit

a disaster.

She said, Ty, Ty. She said, can this be
the same little boy who sang It's My

Mother's Birthday Today?

Won the talent contest at the old Hoburn
Empire all those years ago.

And he said, no, that was Max Bygrave.

But I digress.

And our hero, you remember, the chap who
walked out on Doris Day. Well, he has

found himself cast ashore on this desert
island.

Fifteen years later, he's sitting on the
beach all alone.

Nothing but sand and the sea and the
sky.

Sounds like a summer season at
Cleethorpes, actually.

Makes you wonder what he lived on for 15
years.

Credit, I suppose, like the rest of us.

So one day, he's sitting there on the
beach with nothing but his roughly hewn

bucket and spade and his eight
gramophone records.

Waiting for the tide to come in and fill
his little moat.

Suddenly, out of the sea, there appeared
an apparition.

And he was very, very frightened as it
flapped its way up the beach towards

you know.

My God, he said, it's Ronnie Corbett's
wife.

No, he didn't. No, he didn't say that at
all. I just put that in. I must, I

really must stop saying nasty things
about my wife, you know. I mean,

as today is our anniversary.

It's just 12 years ago today when she
said, I do.

It certainly surprised me because I
didn't think she did.

Anyway, when it gets nearer,

I'm very glad she did. Anyway, when it
gets nearer, the apparition turns out to

be a beautiful girl wearing a wetsuit,
snorkel and flippers.

Well, she removes the snorkel and she
says, hello, she says, what are you

here?

He said, well, actually, I'm a castaway.

He got very, very humble about that. He
said, I'm a castaway on this desert

island. And she said, oh, you poor man.

Well, I never fancy that.

Dog my cats.

She didn't say that four times,
actually, but I like saying it.

Dog my cats, you poor man.

How long is it since you had a
cigarette?

He said, well, actually, it's about 15
years.

And I'm seriously thinking of giving it
up.

Starting tomorrow.

Whereupon she unzips a pocket of a
wetsuit.

She's a very big girl. Anyway.

And produced a packet of cigarettes.

He was overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed, he said. There you are.
I told you he was overwhelmed.

And she said, Buster, you have seen
nothing yet. The best is yet to come,

said. How long since you have a drinky
-winky?

Well, she unzips the other pockets.

Produces a flask.

You're making up your own story.

He produces a flask of his favorite
whiskey.

A tear sprung to his eye.

Did I tell you you only had one eye?

Doesn't matter, you know.

Well, it matters to him, but it doesn't
matter to us.

This is marvellous.

This is marvellous. He said, I haven't
had a drink or a cigarette in 15 years.

Then she started slowly to unzip the
front of a wetsuit.

He says, how long is it since you played
around?

He said, good heavens, don't tell me
you've got a set of golf clubs in there.

Good evening, everybody.

It's wonderful to be back on television
again.

I have only been away for a few months,
but I am so glad to find you all sitting

here.

You are very patient, thank you.

My friends in the band are glad to be
back also.

They are a very friendly group of boys.

I am friendly with all of them.

One at a time, of course.

The first song I would like to sing for
you tonight is a story all about a young

boy who works in a fairground, who is
very sad because no one... visit his

stall. All the gay young men walk past
with their friends and patronize the

swings and the roundabouts and the
hoopla stalls.

But none of them seem to want to throw
things at his coconut.

And he cries out to them, why do you not
want my coconut?

They are big and hairy and rounded like
a young Greek warrior's arm.

Some of them are as big as my head and
others aren't.

all in a row.

Aren't they lovely?

All they need is a flick of the wrist,
and they will be yours.

The song is called Stormy Weather.

But before I sing it to you, let me
introduce my special guest this evening,

Frenchman who has delighted so many
ladies all over the world by his

performance, and I'm sure he will be
doing the same tonight.

But before that, he has agreed to come
on this program and sing for us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Asanoff.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My dear Nana, it is wonderful to be
here.

Where are we?

At the BBC in London, Charles. Of
course, you must understand I am in the

of a lightning world tour. I do not know
whether I'm on my head or my heels.

I thought you were on your knees.

Naughty. You must know, Nana, that it is
quality, not quantity, that counts. As

this world tour proves, a little can go
a long way.

Oh.

Yes, I've been warned about you.

You think I make love behind your back?

If you do and I get to hear about it,
there will be trouble.

No, we are only joking, ladies and
gentlemen.

Charles, what are you going to sing for
us tonight? I'm going to sing a little

song called Love Goes Over My Head.

As I travel through life

in my search for a wife, I am on the
lookout for a small one.

But of all the sweet girls that I meet
in this world, why do I always fall for

the tall one?

It is not that I'm shy, I can always get
by when I'm telling a girl how my heart

is. But I'd soon lose my cool, cause you
feel such a fool when you take a step

ladder to parties.

Yes, it has to be said, though I long to
be wed, love goes over my head.

In a small crowded bar, I met Fifi
Lamar, and her eyes held the promise of

heaven.

But when she left her feet, and she rose
to her feet, I found she was six foot

eleven.

But we walked through the town with rain
pouring down, and I knew it would ruin

my hair.

I had just had it set, but it didn't get
wet, cause I sheltered beneath her

brassiere.

Yes, it has to be said.

It was just like a shed.

It went over my head.

You may say it's fate that I exaggerate.

I say loves above and beyond me.

In the show business world, I meet all
kinds of girls. I have glamour and love

thrust upon me. And then after the show,
there are girls that will go somewhat

further, perhaps on the O2.

It's no good. I have tried.

When we lie side by side, it's just that
I've got no one to talk to.

Even when I'm in bed, yes, it has to be
said.

Love goes over my head.

Love goes over

my head.

Thank you, Charles. That was delightful.

And now I'd like to sing for you a
medley of well -known English songs

translated into Greek for me by my
agent, Takis Tempo, sent to me.

But for those of you who don't
understand Greek, there will be special

translated back into English by my good
friend, Michael Coppolodovic.

Daisy, Daisy.

Thank you.

I don't

know.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

And now it is time to leave you,
Charles. Let us sing together before we

I enjoyed it. It's wonderful, isn't it?
Ah.

It's so nice to come along from the land
where we belong. And if you sing a

foreign song, then no one knows when you
go wrong. Dance with me and Zorba's

dance. You might fall and ruin your
chance. If I do, I fall and you, my

shot of Zorba. No, no, no, no. You are
so very Greek to me. La, la, la, la. You

look very weak to me. I love Greece.
Absolutely. You are so damn... Do you

you for my mantelpiece?

You gorgeous little Frenchman, will you
be my henchman? Well, it all depends

what you want hinching down there. I
love your garlic, man.

I wish that you were none.

I would take you home. Happy stop.

That is not of me, Sherry. I can't of
me, Sherry. I'd find a thing who'd get

top of me, but I'm glad to be invited.

I'm quite delighted to have you on the
show.

And now I really think it's time for us
to go. Let us embrace each other. Now we

have to talk. And let me clasp you to my
heart.

I felt a proper charlie. And I felt a
right nanite.

Well, that's all for this week. Next
week we shall be talking about

by top cabinet ministers.

Why haven't there been any?

And we'll be running a competition in
Blackpool.

Eddie Waring will be buried in sand and
the first kiddie to dig him up will get

a thick ear.

So it's goodnight from me.

And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.