Original subtitles

Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

in a packed program tonight, we shall meet an East End docker who has retired

after 40 years to take a well -earned job.

Then we'll be talking to a man who crossed a Morse code transmitter with a

xenopod and got a dot, dot, dot and a very quick dash.

But first, here is the news.

The pound had another good day yesterday.

It rose sharply at ten o 'clock, had a light breakfast and went for a stroll in

the park.

Mr and Mrs Wilson won't be visiting the sillies this year.

Instead, Mr and Mrs Silly are visiting the Wilson.

And Mr Ernest Waldron, a cattle expert who spent his whole life examining the

back legs of cows, was given a special award today.

He said, Mr Waldron, this is the first time I've had a pat on the back.

We've just... We've just heard today that British Rail have announced

a new service for naughty couples going to Brighton. The Have It Away Day.

But now a sketch about ghosts and ghouls, in which I get caught by the

I get caught by surprise.

Over here, I think that... Oh, hello.

Hello. Hello.

Well,

fancy meeting old him here.

Just what I was thinking. I mean, fancy meeting...

This is a terribly old friend of mine, and

this is his wife, you see.

Hello.

How do you do? This is my wife.

How do you do, wife?

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, of course, I haven't introduced you to my wife. Who?

The wife. Yes.

This is his wife.

This is her husband.

Husband and wife.

And, of course, this is my wife. And I am her husband.

Well, now that we've all met each other, shall we just continue enjoying our

drinks?

Just like old times, isn't it, Mark?

It's just like old times, isn't it? Is it just... I mean, are you still doing

what you were doing before?

Yes, I am still doing it. Are you still doing the same? No, I finished.

Oh, he's finished.

He's finished doing the same.

Well, it was getting a bit much, you know.

Oh, I know far too much. Yes, and we did have the trouble.

Yes, we heard.

I was awfully sorry.

Well, actually, we were both very sorry.

What about us?

So what about... Sorry, what about... What about the trouble? Oh. Because we

trouble too.

Oh, yes. Well, there's a lot of it about you.

What's that, dear?

Trouble, dear. There's a lot of trouble. I was just saying to her husband.

I was just saying to... Peter.

Peter. No, not.

Peter not. Peter not.

No, no, not Peter. No, not Peter. That's Peter out there. That's Peter out

there. No, that's Jonathan out there. That's Jonathan. You're getting confused

here. That's Jonathan out there. I'm terrible with names myself, you know.

I'm exactly the same, particularly with people I know awfully well, you know.

Yes. I'm just saying to, um, to, uh... The wife. To who? The wife. The wife.

That's right. I'm saying the truth. Yes.

Hello.

Hello.

Have you two introduced yourselves?

Introduced ourselves?

Well, we've known each other for, what, five, ten, fifteen... Twenty.

Twenty minutes.

Months. Months.

Twenty years.

Twenty years, man and boy.

I've known him since he was that high.

Well, that high.

Well, that low, yes.

Well, goodness, we know each other very well.

Oh, yes, we were at, uh, we were at, uh, Thing together.

Oh, at Thing. Yes. For years.

Yes, four years. Was it four years?

We were at Thing. Yes, oh, we were. Do you remember old, uh... Old Thingy? Yes,

in the, uh... In the... In the what's -it? In the what's -it, yes. Ha -ha. And

the little, uh... Oujar. The Oujar.

Oh, yes.

Oh, good heavens, we've known each other intimately for years. You've never met

before.

What do you mean, never met before, you mean?

What do you mean, never met before, you mean?

Never.

Well, well.

Well, never.

So I suppose we've never met before. No, not before this.

No, well, I... Oh, nonsense.

Oh, nonsense. Rubbish.

What's his name?

What's his name?

What, him? Him here?

That one.

What's his name?

That's his wife. And, um, this is my wife. Yes. And, um... What's his name?

Uh, what old? What's his name? Uh, oh, he's, uh, um... Larry

Gitis. No, no, no.

Aladdin. No, no, no.

It's Bob and Harry.

Oh, God, you remember Bob and Harry? Oh,

God, you've never met before.

Ever.

Your wife.

have met before

And I want to appeal to you tonight on behalf of a cause which is extremely

close to my heart.

Myself.

I need a lot more money, and you can help me get it.

Why do I need this money? Because I'm suffering from a very serious complaint.

Laziness.

I'm what is known in the medical profession as Bone Idol.

Now, it costs money to run my large, spacious home, Albert Fosdyke House, set

glorious countryside in the Cosworth.

And recently I've opened another home, the sunshine home for Albert Fosdyke on

the French Riviera.

Now, it doesn't run itself, you know.

Also, I have a sister establishment on the Costa Brava, and I've established

four sisters in it, and they're real belters.

Now, in addition to this, I also have a wife to support, my very good friend

Henry Parkinson's wife.

at a cost of several hundred pounds a new tradesman's entrance.

And that's where you come in.

Now, all this costs money. Your money. That's why I'm appealing to you tonight.

I just can't make ends meet. And frankly, I'm going to the docks. And I

win there either.

My health is suffering.

Only yesterday I had a very unpleasant message from my doctor.

He said you have less than a month to live unless you marry my daughter.

Now, that sort of thing can be quite a shock. Now, just two words about cast

-off clothing, warm woolens and silver paper. No thanks.

I have a scheme which I think you will find much more attractive. The pound in

your pocket is now only worth 69p.

So you send me the pound notes and I'll send you the 69p.

Will your money be spent? Well, £100 will go straight away on harbour lights

the 230 at Ascot.

And as little as £50 a week will keep me in lobsters the whole week. So please

send your contributions, however large, to this address.

The Albert Fosdyke Appeal for Albert Fosdyke, care of Her Majesty the Queen,

Wandsworth Prison.

In 1898, a city shrouded in fog.

Somewhere within the labyrinths of its narrow streets lurked a madman, ready to

bring discomfort and disgust to respectable citizens throughout the

Already the Prime Minister's butler had suffered a terrifying attack.

I've never been so... Our hero,

Inspector Corner of the Yard, and the tireless and loyal... Sergeant Bowles,

prepared to pit their wits pitilessly against the phantom.

Where would he strike next?

It was at this point that a pattern began to emerge.

Three nights later at Great Bardling's Woodstock, the country house of Lady

Penelope Barclay Hunt, whose ancient family was seventh in line of succession

the throne, was the next link in a chain of horror.

The manor a treasure house of heirlooms was guarded by her ladyship's private

police force.

It was getting on for midnight, and Lady Penelope was being entertained by her

pantry man, Heathcliff.

Gertrude, is the silver locked away?

Yes, milady.

Is the cat out?

Oh, yes, milady.

Out like a light.

Very well, James.

Has anyone ever told you that you are very attractive, James?

No, m 'lady.

I'm not surprised. You're repulsive.

Still, it's a lonely life since I lost my little podgy.

Oh, I think you exaggerate, m 'lady.

You've still got quite a lot of podgy, in my opinion.

Will that be all, milady?

No, James.

Very good, milady.

The same as usual.

The same as usual.

Private police force works tirelessly through the night, questioning

characters.

Here, I want to work with you.

Meanwhile, back in Scotland Yard, Inspector Corner sat thinking in the

of his own office.

I was wrong, Bowles. He did strike again.

And a person of royal blood.

Can't believe it. It's all so pointless.

Oh, sorry, sir.

The shock of the attack turned her ladyship's hair white and her face

For the time being, she is being held as an illegal immigrant.

Two work bowls.

Let's go through the sequence of events in order.

Go through the facts.

One at a time.

Pying things up.

Looking for clues.

First, take the scene at number ten.

The butler, answer the door.

When the attacker produced his card, he collapsed upon the floor.

When the assailant left, he made a most peculiar noise.

He shocked the Duchess, man on crutches, and three small boys.

Next Lady P, Barclay Hunt.

Terrible thing.

Horrible stunt.

There was a lady... in bed with nothing at all on her mind, he rushed a terrible

creature and attacked her from behind.

Disgusting. She got a fright, her hair turned white and her face a very dark

grey. The pantry man, Jim, what happened to him?

He's hard of fading away.

Jealousy could have been the motive.

Could be a solution.

Both victims guilty him. He's seeking retribution.

Now all we do is find someone who fits the plan.

Someone who fancies a tall brunette and a big, fat man.

Once again, the great British police force relentlessly pursued their prey in

completely the wrong direction.

Not a mile from Scotland Yard in the Houses of Parliament, Mr Disraeli was

having a stormy passage with the opposition at question time.

I tell you, Mr Gladstone, I can buy the Suez Canal for the whole town.

Believe me, I say, I'll get it, I'll get it.

What about the prostitution bill?

Aye, sir, aye.

Next question.

What is brown, steams and comes out of cows backwards?

All right, Mr Churchill.

If that's the way you want to play it, all I can say is... Holy

my wallet.

Ladies and gentlemen, Barbara Dixon.

Here's the late news.

Police are clamping down on dealers who make fortunes selling stolen cars which

have been sawn in half and welded to other vehicles, said Superintendent

from the wheel of his E -type combine harvester today.

News from Hollywood.

Zsa Zsa Gabor has announced that owing to illness, she has cancelled all her

engagements for three months, but her marriages will go ahead as planned.

The president of the Wine Tasters Association today paid tribute to their

retiring secretary, Mrs Prudence Vine.

He described her as plucky and full -bodied and well worth laying down for a

couple of years.

Later tonight we'll be interviewing a very sexy interior decorator and his

who fall out of bed every night because they prefer a matte finish.

Now a sketch featuring Ronnie Corbett, who in fact buys all his suits off the

peg, at any shop selling Action Man.

Good evening.

Tonight in Getaway, we are looking at holidays in Britain, through the eyes of

an Austrian family over here for their first trip abroad.

And our holiday resort this week is Fleur, a few miles west of London.

A holiday in Slough for two weeks could cost you anything from £65 to £320,

depending on what you're looking for.

And also, of course, on whether you find it or not.

Jack Weston reports.

Slough can be, and often is, described as the back end of beyond. And it was

this reason that our Austrian family, Mr and Mrs Daffberger, their daughter

Mitzi, and Mrs Daffberger's brother Frugal, chose it from the travel

They eventually chose two weeks at the Acme Fish and Chip Shop in the high

school, with a cost of 110 pounds each for the fortnight.

This holiday is about the middle price range.

Before settling on this, they tried two others.

One, at the top price of over 300 pounds, in Large Avenue.

This price, of course, 300 pounds, was all fine.

And she looks as if she knows where to find me.

Unfortunately,

she only had room for two.

The second alternative was the cheapest in the range.

across the road at 31.

This

one

worked out at only £3 .25p for the night, with an evening meal thrown in.

Smough offers a lot in the way of sightseeing.

This gas works, for instance, which is in the way of everything.

But for a few pence, you can pick up a kindly old guide who will show you the

town.

There are many traditions and ceremonies to be witnessed, such as closing time

at the pub on Sunday lunchtime.

Traditional British crafts are always of interest, such as road sweeping.

Here is an example of how poverty and riches live together side by side, and

respect they have for each other.

The Daffburgers are very fond of mountain sports, and Frugal was

pursue his favorite pastime during his fortnight stay.

shopping is always a must for the Daffburgers, and there are many British

to be found in the quaint little shops scattered along the winding main street.

The whole family seem pleased with their purchasing.

Mitzi, as you see, has got a pair of wonderful bed warmers.

And frugal, something he has always wanted.

And finally, nightlife.

Why not dine al fresco at one of the attractive local night watchman's huts?

Its gay, striped awning and its welcoming charcoal barbecue, which burns

the night and provides a charming setting for your evening meal.

Traditional fare of doorstep sandwiches and stewed tea are provided, and these

night spots are generously subsidized by your local council.

Some sort of cabaret is usually available, though this may be at

times. And don't expect to see a great spectacle like the changing of the

In Slough, the best you're likely to get is the changing of the drawers.

Well, there you have it. Two weeks in slow. Looks good.

Finally tonight, the result of our competition, the trip that viewers have

the trip of the year. And funnily enough, it's Downing Street.

Thank you. This evening, I'd like, if I may, to tell you a story about a chap

who was cast ashore on a desert island.

Now, oh, by the way, this is not the one about the two Irishmen on a desert

island, you know.

You know, who found a lifeboat and broke it up to make a raft.

No, it's not that one. I'm glad it's not that one, really, because, you know,

that's a bit ridiculous. No, this is actually... This is actually about a

who was a passenger on a flight to New York.

And when they started the film, he'd seen it before on the telly, you know,

he was so disgusted, he got up and walked out.

As soon as he lands in the water, he realises what he's done, you see, and he

gets very depressed.

Bless my soul, he said, and help.

But the people in the airplane, they can't hear him, you see.

Well, they're all watching Doris Day and drinking their duty freeze and

shouting, shut that door.

So there he is, being tossed about by the waves.

Oh, sorry, that reminds me.

A little wave, if I may, to my mum and dad.

No, I like to do that, because actually my mother, you know, still thinks of me

as a wee baby.

Well, let's face it, you know, I was a wee baby.

I spent the first two years of my life on a charm bracelet.

Now, that's not exactly true, but if I told you the truth, you'd never believe

me. And she's very proud of me. Just as I was leaving tonight, she looked at me.

Her face was radiant and her eyes were shining.

I don't know what she's taking, but I wish I could get something.

She turned to my dad, who was sitting there sewing a button on his hat.

Well, he's had a lot of worry lately.

And she said, Ty, Ty.

She calls him Ty, you know, short for Titanic, because she thinks he's a bit

a disaster.

She said, Ty, Ty. She said, can this be the same little boy who sang It's My

Mother's Birthday Today?

Won the talent contest at the old Hoburn Empire all those years ago.

And he said, no, that was Max Bygrave.

But I digress.

And our hero, you remember, the chap who walked out on Doris Day. Well, he has

found himself cast ashore on this desert island.

Fifteen years later, he's sitting on the beach all alone.

Nothing but sand and the sea and the sky.

Sounds like a summer season at Cleethorpes, actually.

Makes you wonder what he lived on for 15 years.

Credit, I suppose, like the rest of us.

So one day, he's sitting there on the beach with nothing but his roughly hewn

bucket and spade and his eight gramophone records.

Waiting for the tide to come in and fill his little moat.

Suddenly, out of the sea, there appeared an apparition.

And he was very, very frightened as it flapped its way up the beach towards

you know.

My God, he said, it's Ronnie Corbett's wife.

No, he didn't. No, he didn't say that at all. I just put that in. I must, I

really must stop saying nasty things about my wife, you know. I mean,

as today is our anniversary.

It's just 12 years ago today when she said, I do.

It certainly surprised me because I didn't think she did.

Anyway, when it gets nearer,

I'm very glad she did. Anyway, when it gets nearer, the apparition turns out to

be a beautiful girl wearing a wetsuit, snorkel and flippers.

Well, she removes the snorkel and she says, hello, she says, what are you

here?

He said, well, actually, I'm a castaway.

He got very, very humble about that. He said, I'm a castaway on this desert

island. And she said, oh, you poor man.

Well, I never fancy that.

Dog my cats.

She didn't say that four times, actually, but I like saying it.

Dog my cats, you poor man.

How long is it since you had a cigarette?

He said, well, actually, it's about 15 years.

And I'm seriously thinking of giving it up.

Starting tomorrow.

Whereupon she unzips a pocket of a wetsuit.

She's a very big girl. Anyway.

And produced a packet of cigarettes.

He was overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed, he said. There you are. I told you he was overwhelmed.

And she said, Buster, you have seen nothing yet. The best is yet to come,

said. How long since you have a drinky -winky?

Well, she unzips the other pockets.

Produces a flask.

You're making up your own story.

He produces a flask of his favorite whiskey.

A tear sprung to his eye.

Did I tell you you only had one eye?

Doesn't matter, you know.

Well, it matters to him, but it doesn't matter to us.

This is marvellous.

This is marvellous. He said, I haven't had a drink or a cigarette in 15 years.

Then she started slowly to unzip the front of a wetsuit.

He says, how long is it since you played around?

He said, good heavens, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there.

Good evening, everybody.

It's wonderful to be back on television again.

I have only been away for a few months, but I am so glad to find you all sitting

here.

You are very patient, thank you.

My friends in the band are glad to be back also.

They are a very friendly group of boys.

I am friendly with all of them.

One at a time, of course.

The first song I would like to sing for you tonight is a story all about a young

boy who works in a fairground, who is very sad because no one... visit his

stall. All the gay young men walk past with their friends and patronize the

swings and the roundabouts and the hoopla stalls.

But none of them seem to want to throw things at his coconut.

And he cries out to them, why do you not want my coconut?

They are big and hairy and rounded like a young Greek warrior's arm.

Some of them are as big as my head and others aren't.

all in a row.

Aren't they lovely?

All they need is a flick of the wrist, and they will be yours.

The song is called Stormy Weather.

But before I sing it to you, let me introduce my special guest this evening,

Frenchman who has delighted so many ladies all over the world by his

performance, and I'm sure he will be doing the same tonight.

But before that, he has agreed to come on this program and sing for us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Asanoff.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My dear Nana, it is wonderful to be here.

Where are we?

At the BBC in London, Charles. Of course, you must understand I am in the

of a lightning world tour. I do not know whether I'm on my head or my heels.

I thought you were on your knees.

Naughty. You must know, Nana, that it is quality, not quantity, that counts. As

this world tour proves, a little can go a long way.

Oh.

Yes, I've been warned about you.

You think I make love behind your back?

If you do and I get to hear about it, there will be trouble.

No, we are only joking, ladies and gentlemen.

Charles, what are you going to sing for us tonight? I'm going to sing a little

song called Love Goes Over My Head.

As I travel through life

in my search for a wife, I am on the lookout for a small one.

But of all the sweet girls that I meet in this world, why do I always fall for

the tall one?

It is not that I'm shy, I can always get by when I'm telling a girl how my heart

is. But I'd soon lose my cool, cause you feel such a fool when you take a step

ladder to parties.

Yes, it has to be said, though I long to be wed, love goes over my head.

In a small crowded bar, I met Fifi Lamar, and her eyes held the promise of

heaven.

But when she left her feet, and she rose to her feet, I found she was six foot

eleven.

But we walked through the town with rain pouring down, and I knew it would ruin

my hair.

I had just had it set, but it didn't get wet, cause I sheltered beneath her

brassiere.

Yes, it has to be said.

It was just like a shed.

It went over my head.

You may say it's fate that I exaggerate.

I say loves above and beyond me.

In the show business world, I meet all kinds of girls. I have glamour and love

thrust upon me. And then after the show, there are girls that will go somewhat

further, perhaps on the O2.

It's no good. I have tried.

When we lie side by side, it's just that I've got no one to talk to.

Even when I'm in bed, yes, it has to be said.

Love goes over my head.

Love goes over

my head.

Thank you, Charles. That was delightful.

And now I'd like to sing for you a medley of well -known English songs

translated into Greek for me by my agent, Takis Tempo, sent to me.

But for those of you who don't understand Greek, there will be special

translated back into English by my good friend, Michael Coppolodovic.

Daisy, Daisy.

Thank you.

I don't

know.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

And now it is time to leave you, Charles. Let us sing together before we

I enjoyed it. It's wonderful, isn't it? Ah.

It's so nice to come along from the land where we belong. And if you sing a

foreign song, then no one knows when you go wrong. Dance with me and Zorba's

dance. You might fall and ruin your chance. If I do, I fall and you, my

shot of Zorba. No, no, no, no. You are so very Greek to me. La, la, la, la. You

look very weak to me. I love Greece. Absolutely. You are so damn... Do you

you for my mantelpiece?

You gorgeous little Frenchman, will you be my henchman? Well, it all depends

what you want hinching down there. I love your garlic, man.

I wish that you were none.

I would take you home. Happy stop.

That is not of me, Sherry. I can't of me, Sherry. I'd find a thing who'd get

top of me, but I'm glad to be invited.

I'm quite delighted to have you on the show.

And now I really think it's time for us to go. Let us embrace each other. Now we

have to talk. And let me clasp you to my heart.

I felt a proper charlie. And I felt a right nanite.

Well, that's all for this week. Next week we shall be talking about

by top cabinet ministers.

Why haven't there been any?

And we'll be running a competition in Blackpool.

Eddie Waring will be buried in sand and the first kiddie to dig him up will get

a thick ear.

So it's goodnight from me.

And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

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