Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up...

Why is Q kicking it into high gear?

I want my money back.

Why is Murr being such a style snob?

I don't enjoy your wife's fashion.

It's drab.

-[ Laughs ] -Look at this guy!

And which losing Joker will get schooled

in tonight's punishment?

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Q: What's up, pork chop?

Well, today was supposed to be a ride in the park,

but our bike broke. -That's right.

We'll have to try to get someone to help us fix it,

and do whatever we are told or said to do.

-If you -- -[ Laughs ]

Keep that. Keep that. You guys get it.

Oh, Sal. What happened to you?

Why, God?! Why me?!

Sal: Hello, guys. How are you?

Woman: I'm so sorry.

That's alright. That's alright.

"Every time I put on five extra pounds, this happens."

Every time I put on the five extra pounds, this happens.

Aww.

"I'm just trying to fix it real quick before the guy

I stole it from finds me."

Yeah, I'm just trying to fix it before...

the guy I stole it from finds me.

No, the bike's actually brought me nothing but trouble.

I could just -- really just --

had enough of the bike today.

"Hey, aren't you the lady from those urinal-hijinks videos?"

Are you the lady from the --

those urinal-hijinks videos on the tube,

on the Internet?

No?

-You know about these bikes? -What?

The bikes -- you know about them?

I'm trying to put this tire on. I just changed a flat.

-"I'll tell you what, though." -I'll tell you what.

"I'm gonna have some dreams about you, mister."

[ Laughter ]

I'll tell you what.

Q: Joe, don't!

I'm gonna have some dreams about you, mister.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah.

Yell at him for doing it wrong.

Yeah, "You're doing it wrong." Get angry.

Alright, you're doing it wrong!

-Hey, your phone's ringing. -Uh-oh.

Hey.

Just say to me, uh, "I'll be there in a minute.

Some [bleep] is helping me fix my bike."

I'll be there in a minute, yeah.

Now, some -- you know what?

I'll be there in a minute.

Bye. I can't do it.

[ Buzzer ]

Hey, kid, you know anything about bikes?

I hit a pigeon.

Trying to get this bike working.

Uncle Brian's got a dollar for anyone that can fix it.

I got -- I got a dollar, but there's three kids,

so that's a quarter each.

Sal: There are three basically toddlers

fixing his bike right now.

Hey, do you guys need the hammer?

Would that help? Here you go.

-Maybe. -We can hammer this down.

Wait, I need a screw.

"So do I!"

Oh.

So does Uncle Brian.

Oh, my God.

You're doing great, kids.

We need to take out this.

Q, take out your phone. Start doing a vlog.

Alright. I'm gonna just do my vlog.

"What up, pork chops?!"

What's up, pork chops?!

"This is episode 68..."

Yo, this is episode 68...

"...of 'Creeping in da Park.'"

...of "Creeping in da Park."

[ Laughter ]

Once these kids fix my bike, back to creeping, baby.

She kind of fixed it.

Oh, you fixed it? You guys are the best.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-Try to go away. -No.

Oh, my God. This is...

I want my money back.

[ Ding! ]

This should be working.

This is peculiar that this isn't working.

Hey. Hunkmaster Flex, real quick.

I'm trying to double back up the wheel here.

Do a double-back up here.

Joe, notice his shirt.

But, you know, that's a cool shirt.

Police? -Yeah.

"Ooh, if my dad saw you wearing that shirt..."

If my dad saw you wearing that shirt...

"...he'd rip it off you and kiss you right on the mouth."

...he'd tear it right off your body,

kiss you straight up on the mouth.

[ Laughs ]

"Hey, man, could you just spot me

while I try and get this wheel on?"

-Do you have a second? -Sure.

If you just spot me while I try --

I'm not sure what exactly you need.

Okay, I just need you to steady me while I do it.

Like the bike's right -- yeah, yeah.

Hold me. There you go.

-What? -[ Laughs ]

Murr: What is going on?

So this is what I saw on the YouTube.

-Uh-huh? -And then, they just yanked it.

[ Laughs ]

What kind of dog you say you got?

-It's a mutt. -It's a mutt?

-Yeah. -"How big are those dog shits?"

How big's its shits?

Just a -- there you go.

Oh! That's so much easier, yeah.

Come down on yourself. Keep coming down on yourself.

Ooh, I got it now.

Oh, I'm such a stupid piece of [bleep]

Should put my helmet on when I'm walking

'cause I might trip over a stick or something

because I'm a dumb [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]

stupid [bleep] dumb [bleep]. -More, more, more.

I didn't even think to put the stupid [bleep]

[bleep] stupid piece of [bleep] thing.

It's a beautiful dog. I'm garbage.

It's 'cause I'm so [bleep] stupid,

I knew the stairs were there.

I bounce down the stairs, it's gonna come right off,

stupid -- Are you going that way, Glenn?

Take care, Glenn.

I've been Joe Gatto.

[ Ding! ]

Q: Oh, he got serious about this.

Joe: He took the time to put that stupid outfit on

while we're sitting here getting bit by mosquitoes.

You look weird, dude.

He did this outfit on his own.

Now we're not gonna let him live it down.

My bike -- the front tire came off.

Isn't it crazy? Brand-new bike.

"I know I look like I should know about bikes."

I -- I know I look like I should know about bikes.

That's it.

Can you give me a hand and hold the bike up

while I try to get the tire? You guys are good Samaritans.

I really appreciate it. Thank you.

I was off-roading a little bit. -It's turned out.

"Just coming in hot because I'm training for this triathlon."

You know what it is?

I'm training for this triathlon coming up.

"Yeah, last week, I did this bisexual."

Alright, hold on.

Last week, I did, um -- last week I...

"Just coming in hot because I'm training for this triathlon."

I'm training for this triathlon coming up.

"Yeah, last week, I did this bisexual."

Last week, I did, um -- last week I...

You know, I just took a bike in for the first time.

It's cycling. It's, uh...

I mean, are we done? Whoa, whoa.

Hold on, hold on. Maybe it's...

Sal: Oh, you want to keep going? You want another thumbs down?

Where's the accent?

Oh, well, it's --

"My nephew has a similar speech impediment."

Yeah, my -- my nephew -- God.

I'm like -- come on, I'm done.

Can't say it. That's two.

Two. -Thanks for playing.

Joe: I'm glad you got trashed, you idiot.

I'm out of here.

[ Buzzer, buzzer ]

Narrator: Murr and Sal went wheels up,

so they're riding straight to the loser board.

Today we're at Culture Espresso talking to strangers,

trying to get their approval on an e-mail we're writing.

The catch is, the ridiculous e-mail's been written

by the other guys, and we don't even lay eyes on it

until we open it up and begin to read.

The goal is to get the stranger to agree that your e-mail

is ready to send as is.

If they don't say it's ready to send as is, you lose.

Joe: So, we've written an e-mail for Murray.

He's got to decide to send it or not.

Q: Pretty easy.

He has to ask someone if they think

it's ready to send. -Right.

Try that again. -What Sal said.

Hey, do you mind if I ask you a question?

I need a second person's opinion.

Can I show you this e-mail?

Tell me if you think it's any good?

Are you good with words?

Okay. No, I'm not. He is.

-What? -He needs some help with e-mail.

Do you mind if I read this to you?

You tell me if it's good to send?

-Okay. -Alright.

"Marco, I don't enjoy your wife's fashion.

It's drab."

It's drab.

"I feel that you make such fantastic choices,

and she doesn't complement you.

Do you agree with me?" -Look at this guy!

"Are we on the same page about the drabness?

Let me know ASAP because I've got an e-mail drafted up

that I'm itching to send addressing her drabness."

He -- he -- you have to understand,

my friend Marco is super fashion-forward.

"He's wearing a fedora right now."

Like, he's probably out there, wearing a fedora right now.

His wife is quintessential drab.

Dollars to doughnuts, she's not in a fedora.

[ Q laughs ]

Tell me if it's good to send.

That's a no! That's a no!

But she's really drab.

Not you miss, you're lovely.

Yeah, I'm not talking about you.

Is that what you thought?

I'm surprised you don't have a fedora on.

[ Buzzer ]

Joe: Here we go.

Alright, Sal. Pull up "your e-mail."

Excuse me. You mind if I just --

one second to get your opinion on something?

-Sure. -I'm about to send an e-mail.

I'd love it if I could just run it

by one other person before I send it.

-Go for it. -It's to my friend.

Just let me know...

Sal: I'm about to send an e-mail.

I'd love it if I could just run it

by one other person before I send it.

-Go for it. -It's to my friend.

Just let me know...

...your thoughts. -Sure.

"Frank, I'm so sorry

I said the 'C' word in front of your daughter.

I did not know she was there.

Please let her know I'm sorry.

I wasn't talking about her.

I know it seems like I was,

but it was a different Becky that I was talking about."

-Yeah, yeah. -"But A., truthfully,

I didn't know she was there,

and B., that word is kind of my thing right now."

[ Laughter ]

"I don't know if it was the best idea to have

an 11 year old around me

when I'm being off-the-cuff hilarious.

See you next Tuesday."

So, anyway, what do you think?

Yeah, I mean, the only thing

I would say is maybe, like...

You know what I mean?

No.

You don't think I'm being a real...about it, then?

No.

That was off the cuff. I said that.

[ Buzzer ]

Sal: Joe looks orange.

I think it's the, um, pigments --

-Skin. -His skin.

You know when you write an e-mail,

and you don't know if you should send it or not?

-Yeah. -'Cause I'm just pondering

if I should send this.

Oh.

Can I run it by you, get your thoughts?

Sure, let's do it.

"To the world's best stepmom, thank you so much

for your kind, generous birthday gift.

I honestly don't even know how to express my gratitude.

It's like you know me better than my birth mom."

Murr: Aww.

"That's why it's so hard to tell you to back off.

I feel the darkness that lurks inside of you,

and I know you won't hesitate to take what you desire.

Thanks again for the Xbox."

That was the threatening thing -- the Xbox.

So I'm not sure if I should send this e-mail to her.

I think it's a little, like, theatrical.

You think it's a little theatrical?

-Aww. -Indeed it is.

-A little over-the-top? -Yes.

Uh-oh. This doesn't bode well.

That last paragraph doesn't match with the "thanks again."

It seems kind of weird.

Alright, so cut out the "thanks again."

Just tell her to back off?

I -- I mean, personally, I wouldn't say that.

-You wouldn't say that? -Yeah.

So you would thank her for the Xbox?

I would thank her for the Xbox.

Keep it simple. -Right.

"But what about the darkness in her?"

But what about the darkness inside her?

You don't think I address it here?

-I don't know your story. -Story, yeah.

I guess I could break it up into two different e-mails.

One subject "Thanks for the Xbox,"

the other one "Hey, FYI, the darkness"

or something to that.

"The darkness inside you."

"Hey, FYI, the darkness."

I appreciate the help. Thank you.

[ Buzzer ] -No dice.

Joe: You put the oatmeal raisin on top.

There's chocolate chips on the bottom.

This is unbelievable.

Oh, my God.

I shouldn't, I shouldn't. -This is a gooey --

See, this is why I can't be [bleep] friends with you.

-It's good. -Yeah, it's good, right?

You like-a the cookie, huh?

Milk. Some milk.

-Yeah. -God bless. Thanks.

Here we go.

-I'm sorry, you in line? -Yeah.

Okay, okay, thank you. Hey, you know what?

While you got a second, you want to help me out?

I was about to send an e-mail, and I would love

another set of eyes on it to see if it's ready to go.

Would you mind?

I don't mind, but I don't have my glass--

-What is your name? -Antonia.

I'm Brian. How are you?

So nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

Okay, this is to Dorothy.

"Dear Dorothy, I have to apologize.

I had no idea I was on the speaker phone.

Irregardless, it was also wrong of me to answer the phone

with a string of curses,

then refer to you as the 'human push-up bra.'"

-Oh, my God. -I know.

I messed up. I -- I messed up.

I'm trying to apologize.

"I'm still looking forward to meeting your parents,

your grandparents, your nieces, and your pastor,

if they'll still have me.

Again, I had no idea they were sitting in the car with you.

but, really, that part is kind of on you.

Stay fresh.

Gun."

Is that alright to send, do you think?

Is that gonna get across that I'm sorry?

No.

[ Laughter ]

Good God. Alright. Thank you.

[ Buzzer ]

NARRATOR: All four guys hit a firewall,

making Murr tonight's big loser.

So, today, Murr is our big loser, so we welcome you to...

All: "Is Murr Smarter Than A Young Child Student

Between 4th & 6th Grade?"

That's right. Welcome.

Thank you so much.

We'd like to introduce you to our between

4th-and-6th-grader, Jake.

Joe: Jake, everybody.

Now it's widely known between us that for years Murr has stated

if he ever had to go up against a between-4th-and-6th grader,

he would demolish and destroy them.

Here's how it works. Every time Jake beats Murr,

he gets to choose an item from Murr's apartment.

The game's over when Murr beats Jake three times.

Q: And Murr will not be reimbursed

for any of the items Jake wins.

Jake, look at me. He's very nervous right now.

-Yes. -Yeah.

Okay, question number one.

This city was the first capital of the United States.

Answers logged?

Great. Murr, what do you have?

Not only do I know the answer, I live down the block

from the first capital of the United States.

-What did you get, Murr? -What did you put?

-New York. -New York.

Jake, what did you get?

-Philadelphia. -Ooh.

Murr is correct.

Yes. It's alright, Jake.

Just get your [bleep] together.

Next question.

Which of these is not a type of cloud?

Alright, let's start this one with Jake.

My answer was D.

-D is correct! -There you go.

D is right.

-It is, of course, D -- Altus. -There you go.

-Alright. -Let's see our next question.

In the game of chess,

which two pieces are involving in "castling"?

Q: Oh, Murr's got a neck twitch,

saying to me that he does not know this answer!

I -- I don't know chess.

Queen and a rook? -That is not correct.

I know it's not correct. I know.

Jake, let's see if you got the correct answer.

"King and the rook."

[ All cheering ]

Yes! Yes!

You know what that means, everybody.

Sal: Here we have a live feed in Murr's apartment.

-What? -He will be guiding Jake

through the house, and Jake gets to pick anything he wants.

-Here you go. -Xbox.

-Next one, Nintendo Switch. -Nintendo Switch.

-Oh, my lightsabers. -Lightsabers.

Those are custom battle lightsabers.

They don't break. -Nice.

-Nice. -4k 80-inch TV.

Jake, what would you like from Murr's apartment?

-I choose his showerheads. -The showerheads?

Sal: Yes, yes!

Show me showerheads!

Showerheads? What does that mean?

-Uh-oh. -No!

Here is the official "Impractical Jokers" handyman.

You can't.

Ohh!

You took the showerheads over the TV?

What kind of kid is this?

Was that the guy in my building taking it off?

-Yeah. -That guy works there.

We paid him. -Are you serious?

You understand the apartment is a rental.

I have to pay for that!

-Yeah, we know. -We know.

You just cost me serious money, kid.

And we'll be back right after these messages.

Murr: That's an expensive thing you just took.

Joe: Okay, and the game continues.

Alright. Which one of these states

was not one of the original 13 colonies?

Georgia was not one of the first 13 colonies.

-That is incorrect. -Shit.

Sal: Jake, what do you have?

Maine.

[ All cheering ]

He's [bleep] crushing him!

He's [bleep] crushing him!

I can't believe this is working out like this!

Hold on, hold on. It's getting hot in here.

I'm like Steve Harvey right now.

Wow.

So what possession of Murray's would you like to own now?

I would like the front-door handle.

Casey, we're gonna go for the front-door handle, please.

Oh, man.

Many of you will note that the front-door handle

is needed to both enter and exit the apartment.

Do you know how much my security deposit is?

There you go!

By now, you may have figured out,

while we didn't help him with the answers to the questions,

we did tell him what to choose from your apartment.

Yeah, no kidding, no kidding.

Okay, carry on to the game.

This American soldier and spy was captured

and executed by the British

while on an intelligence-gathering mission

in New York City during the Revolutionary War.

I said B., Nathan Hale.

B is correct!

[ Cheers and applause ] -It's happening!

He was incorrect!

All our dreams are coming true!

Jake?

I would like all of the bedding.

-[ Laughter ] Oh!

Sal: Yes!

Hey, Jake, do me a favor and make sure you wash

that bedding the second you get home.

Casey, we're gonna go with all the bedding.

Wow, that looks expensive.

Oh, no.

No mattress cover, everything on this.

I want to see the blanket on the bed.

Blanket stays.

Don't throw the blanket on the floor.

Sal: This is true.

Those things are gone from Murr's life.

Next question -- here we go. Which of the following

is the pollen-producing part of the flower?

Murr, what have you got? -I believe it's the stamen.

Correct. Jake, what have you got?

Pistil. Ooh.

So Murray gets one step closer to ending this game.

Sal: Okay. Here we go.

Who wrote "The Outsiders"?

This is some classic stuff.

He doesn't know!

You're an English major and an author.

How do you not know this?

Jake, what is your answer?

-B. -B is correct.

Sal: Yes!

What do you want to take now, Jake?

I would like the Georgetown diploma.

Q: Ooh!

Sal: Going for the jugular.

Oh, yes.

Right off the wall.

-Yes. -Congratulations, Jake.

You just went to Georgetown.

Next question, which explorer sailed around

New York Harbor in the Delfina?

Let's go to Jake first.

I chose D.

D, Magellan, is incorrect, Jake.

Murr? -I know this answer.

It is Verrazzano.

And there you have it -- James Murray.

Sal: Wow.

But you cannot shower, you cannot sleep,

you cannot avoid intruders,

and you cannot say you're educated.

We'll see you next time on...

All: "Is Murr Smarter Than A Young Child Student

Between 4th & 6th Grade?"

And the answer is...

No!

So take your stuff and go.

Bye, Jake.

Bye.

I need -- How do I do this?

Hi, I'm Sal Vulcano, and welcome

to "Impractical Insider Insider."

This is where I show you the behind the scenes

of "Impractical Insider."

Right now, there is trouble in paradise

as your normal "Impractical Insider" host

Casey Jost -- -Wait, what?

-Hi, Casey. -What?

This is an "Impractical Insider Insider."

This is where we go inside

what happens on "Impractical Insider."

-I get the show. -Yeah, tell him.

I see here that you guys are reviewing some stuff.

-Yeah. -And there might be some issues.

-I -- I'm Sal on this, right? -Yeah.

Uh, yeah, I get the joke. I created it.

Yeah, I'm sorry to bother you when you're

in the middle of trying to work. -Uh-huh.

But it's just that you looked like you were frustrated,

so I thought now would be a great time to come over.

Chavon, can I get a coffee?

[ Laughs ]

Were you a big game-show guy growing up?

'Cause this vibe -- and you guys are involved with, like --

This is very like a '70s game show we kind of built

around here, yeah. -Right.

And Murr would be like a cheesy '70s host.

No, 100%, he is our game-show host.

-Right? -Yeah.

I don't know, Sal might be actually good.

Sal's got the personality of one,

but not the look of one. -Right.

Things are heating up.

Whose phone -- people's, like, phones are going off?

I mean, this is not a good scenario.

Gabby, is that also you? Is that your phone going off?

Will Thaxton doesn't know his light's on.

He's got his light on.

Will had to build this whole thing in, like, 20 minutes.

He has no idea.

Ye's running around with his cellphone

light on, his phone's going off.

It's ringing. The whole thing is a mess.

Our show is literally "The Muppet Show."

It really is. It's terrible.

It is true.

You excited to be getting stuff from Murr's house?

Yes.

-Right? -Yeah.

You might walk home with a ton of prizes.

Whoo-hoo!

We're gonna take all of his pillows, blankets, and sheets.

We want to take -- this is my favorite --

we want to take the hinges off his front door.

[ Laughter ]

I need you go to Murr's apartment.

-Okay. -And I want you to be like

our Vanna White there.

Casey: I've always wanted to be a Vanna White.

It seems like the best job in the world.

This is your moment to shine because, one day --

God rest her soul -- one day Vanna White's gonna die.

Man: Sal, I need you.

[ Laughs ]

-You live in the city? -Yeah.

Now don't -- don't give him your address.

No, he does not get any of that stuff back.

Jake, we did not tell you any of these questions in advance.

-No. -Jake, we did not prep you

on what we were going to ask you.

-No. -Jake, you're smarter than Murr.

-Yes. -There you go.

By the way, anyone can walk into your apartment right now.

But they wouldn't be able to take a shower.

[ Laughter ]

So, after years of claiming

that you could destroy a child student

somewhere between 4th and 6th grade, you did not.

Q: How do you feel right now?

Uh, sweaty.

I would love to go back and take a shower.

You kind of know you [bleep] the bed, right?

I -- I --

I hope not. There's no bedding on it.

Well, we love you, buddy.

-I love you, too. -I wasn't talking to you.

Jake, great job. [ Laughter ]

Jake, your parting gift is actually an Xbox.

We're gonna give you one for being a part of this.

Murr: That's right.

All four of us will autograph it,

and you can do what you want with it.

-Hey, guys. -Sal, where's your coat?

You just came in from outside.

-Strange. -I know.

You walked into a coffee shop with coffee.

Strange.

[ Laughter ]

The coffee cup is our microphone.

Microphone, yeah.

Ooh. Oh, man. It's freezing.

[ Laughter ]

Ooh. -Much better.

Much more believable.

Coffee cup in the pocket.

Strange.

[ Laughter ]