All language subtitles for My.Boys.S03E05.Carpe.Burritoem.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Everyone has that friend
who doesn't necessarily know
what's best for himself.

Mine's Brendan.

Hey, what's up, guys?
You mind if I put this here?

It came with my new scooter.

You bought a scooter?
In the middle of winter.

Dude, tell me about it.
Way too cold to be
walking everywhere.

Bren, I don't think
that's such a good idea.
Why?

Because you on a scooter
is a recipe for disaster.

Do you even know how
to ride that thing?

It's a scooter, man.

It's like a bike
with no pedals.
What's to know?

I think more than that.

You guys are worrying
for nothing, man.
I'm gonna be fine.

If I had
a dollar for every time

I watched you make
a stupid decision.

How much would you have?

Enough to buy
that scooter off him

before he ends up
like Gary Busey.

All right, I gotta go.
Gotta practice with the band
before our first gig.

Hey, all right!
You guys have
already got a gig?

Yeah. At Brendan's joint.

Technically, it's not a gig.
It's an open mic night.

I'll get you guys fliers.
We're working on a name,

but right now
we are leaning towards
the Kenny Moritorri Band.

It's catchy.
Yeah. At least
for the first gig.

Uh... Open mic night.

Problem is,
we lost our bass player,

so right now we're
really scrambling.

Oh, Andy, didn't you
used to play bass?

I did indeed.
In high school I was
in a band called Skank.

Hey, you know,
we're seeing
people tonight.

Maybe you should
come by and audition.

I was in Skank.
I don't audition.

You know what?
Honestly, we can't
be choosy anyways.

We got a gig in four days.
Open mic night.

Andy, you're in.

Let's Skank out of here.

Hey, one favor.
Yeah?

I can't fit
the drums in my car,

so we're gonna have to
borrow Meredith's minivan
on the night of the gig.

It's not a gig!

I've been searching
everywhere for you guys.

Everywhere?

Well, here.
I searched here first.

Okay, listen, you guys.

I am running
a You're a Great Guy, But...
seminar tomorrow,

and I need a favor.

You run seminars now?

My agent's
created a whole industry
off of this book.

Women bring their girlfriends
that are in bad relationships,

and I empower them
to break up with the jerks
in their lives.

Turns out women
pay a lot of money
to sit in a hotel room

and get advice
from Stephanie.

Women will take advice
from anyone serving them

a little cheese
and a lot of wine,

but I'm short
a dumping dummy.

Dumping dummy?

I need a man to be a dummy
for the women to practice
their break-up speeches.

Obligatory joke
about Mike being a dummy.

Obligatory joke
about Mike being dumped.

Now that's just lazy, guys.

I blanked.

Andy's not here.
He usually does those.

Will one of you guys
help me?

Oh, no, no, not me.

I just recently endured
a real break-up speech
and I've had my fill.

You know what, Mike?
This might be just
the thing for you.

You know,
a room full of women
about to be single.

Mmm. Facing the long,
dark tunnel of loneliness,

desperate to
find someone new.

And they're buzzed
on wine, you say?

Fish in a barrel,
meet sexy Mike!

Run, fish, run!

Sometimes,
when you see a friend

acting against
his best interests,

you feel like you
need to intervene.

Man, turns out
driving a scooter's hard.

Oh, my God!
Are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, you are hurt!

No, no, no, no, no.
Dr. Brendo thinks
it's just a sprain.

The doctor in your head?

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, he does want me
to reinforce
the drugstore bandage,

but do we have
any duct tape?

$13.

For duct tape?

No, Kenny has asked me
to keep track of
all your bad decisions,

and I would be up to $13
after last night's
shot of kiwi schnapps.

You really think
you would have made
13 better decisions than me?

Absolutely.
No to that scooter.
No to the blue socks.

No to the third
bowl of pretzels.

No to the homemade toothpaste.

Hey, that's just
baking soda
and egg whites.

Ugh! Then at least
refrigerate it.

Hmm.

Good point.

You know,
sometimes I wish
I had a little P.J.

You know, one that
I could take with me,

sort of help guide me
in the right direction.

Would I sit on your shoulder?
Oh! Could I have wings?

Little P.J.
She'd be stern, but fair.

You know what could
be a fun experiment?
Hmm?

Let me make all
of your decisions
just for one week,

and we'll see if your
life is better or worse.

Interesting idea.

You might want to agree
before you eat
the three-week-old yogurt.

Come on,
I'm sure it's fine.

$14.

All right. Deal.

Brendan, I never see
you wear V-neck sweaters.
You look good.

It's all thanks to P.J.

She's been pulling out stuff
I should wear more often.

Wait a minute.
P.J.'s dressing you now?

Brendan has given
all of his decision-making
rights over to me for a week.

Careful.
I did that with Meredith.
Never got them back.

I gotta say,
so far it's working
out pretty great, man.

I mean, she got me
to go to a real doctor.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
A microwave burrito?
What's going on?

I'm hungry.

Play some poker.
You'll order
something healthy later.

Ooh! What am I having?

You were thinking
some chicken and salad.

Mmm.

Thanks, little P.J.

What are you
doing to little me?

Patting her on the back.
Oh.

So, what's gonna
happen to that burrito?
Come to daddy.

Brendan, I was wondering
if the Kenny Moritorri Band

can get a quick
practice session in
at the bar before the gig.

Open mic night, and no.

I think what you mean is,

"I think I can
find an hour for you.

"Whatever I can do
to help a friend."

I think we can carve
some time out for you
tomorrow afternoon, pal.

Yeah, I can only
rehearse during lunch.

That is, as long as I can
eat during rehearsal.

Uh...
That's not ideal.

The way I figure it is
the band's gonna need

at least 20 hours
a week rehearsal

if we want to get
to the next level.

What level is that?

You know, writing,
recording an album,

summer tour,
maybe with Wilco.

Twenty hours?

It seems
a little much, Kenny.

Not if you want to
get to the next level.

When you say next level,
that kind of implies
we're on some sort of level,

but we're not.
We're nothing.

Uh-oh. I am not feeling well.
That burrito has
some fight in her.

All right, burrito.
Let's go work
this out in private.

See? That could've
been you.

It's just that
Ethan has no time
for me anymore.

It's all about
his career.

Well, often the thing
that initially attracted
you to a person

is the thing you wind up
not being able to stand.

That's true.
I liked him because
he was so driven,

but it turns out
he's just selfish.

It's time for you
to break up with Ethan.

Now, sometimes saying
the words is hard.

Mike is here to help
you practice. Go ahead.

Hey.

Ethan, you're a great guy,
but we're through.

Yes!

Yeah, that was great.

I think you should
pack and get out.

You're just no good.
I'm no good.

Everyone knows
you're a pig.

I think you should
pack and get out!

Yeah, and then
hit me! Ah!

And the way you love
your mama is sick!
Totally sick.

Feels like you're in love
with yourself more than me.

Well, it's hard.
I mean, when you've
got a body like this,

how can you not love it?
Boop! Boop!

Mike, be serious.

I am serious.
Come on, ladies.

You know it.
You see it.
A thoroughbred.

I gotta run.

You can't keep me
in the paddock, lady.

I gotta get out
in that grass
and start dancing!

All right, all right,
time for a break.

Having a good time?

A blast.

I haven't had
this kind of
self-esteem boost

since I threw up
on myself in sixth grade.

You're really funny, Mike.

Oh, thanks.

You know,
my ex-boyfriend
was so serious.

Are you here to break up
with me/him later?

No, no, no. I'm
just here with a friend.
Oh.

She's the one who
called you a pig.

Oh, yeah. She was nice.

I don't understand.
What's happening?

Where are you
calling me from?

We're done, Ethan.
I'm breaking up with you!

Yes! Yes!

So, are you busy later,

or do you want to
practice getting
a nightcap with a guy?

Lot of standing
around today, huh?

Aren't you glad
I chose the more
comfortable shoes?

Not only that,
but the baby powder?
Who knew?

Hey.
All right, great.

We're all here.
Before we get started,
quick band meeting.

All right,
but I only have till...
I've been thinking.

Our set list,
it's a little small.

Well, we only
have the stage
for 10 minutes.

I think what's most important
is that we be generating
original material

as quick as possible,

so I want everybody here
to write five songs this week.

Okay, let's all
come in tomorrow

with 10 possible names
for our first album.

Shouldn't we be practicing?

That's a good idea.

Let's get back in tune.

Hey, I gotta go.
I got a deposition
starting in 20 minutes.

Good luck, man.
My last one
did not go well.

Here's my card.
I'm a lawyer.

Hey, you mind if I
leave some fliers
for my band?

Not at all.

So you're
Downward Spiral, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-mmm...

I'm Brendan.
I'm the manager here.

Amazing.

My psychics agreed
that I was going to
meet an "R" and an "N."

Brendan.

Wow.
Wow.

Wow.
Yeah.

We're supposed to spend
multiple lifetimes together.

Should we get started?

Yes, we should.

You know,
maybe you guys could
play here sometime.

Yeah, that'd be wicked.

Wicked.

All right, I'm gonna go,

but do you know
where I can find
absinthe this early?

Uh...

All right,
I'll figure it out.
Okay.

So I'll see you soon.

Brendan. Brendan.

No, no, no, no, no...

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

No!
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

This chick is wicked.

Wicked?

Like Boston wicked or,
like, witch wicked?

Who cares?

Dude, I checked out
her band's Web site
last night.

Let me tell you,
I liked what I saw.

Yeah?

Downward Spiral is
the next big thing?

No, no. Dude,
the band kind of sucks,

but Gwendolyn playing
bass is a thing to be...

Oh! Can it.
Here comes P.J.

You know, I think
the Cubs would do
themselves a big favor

by picking up
a true left-hander.

Yeah.

You're talking about
that crazy rocker chick
you met, aren't you?

She's a singer/bassist.

She's psycho/crazy.

Psycho/crazy was
Skank's first name.

So what'd you do, Brendan?

Nothing.
Huh?

Brendo?
What did you do?

I invited her to
Crowley's tonight.

What about our deal?

Little P.J. said
it was okay.
Uh-uh.

Didn't you? Yeah.
Can't you hear her? I can.

Gwendolyn, she's an accident
waiting to happen.

No, she's a
microwaved burrito

driving a scooter
in blue socks.

Hey, for your information,
Mike said
that burrito was delicious.

And I got another one
on the way home.
That one really did me in.

Hey, speaking of mistakes,
how was it being
an emotional tackling dummy?

Great. I actually hooked up
with this really cool woman.

Wow. The dummy tackled back.

Yeah. We went out
after and she thinks
I'm funny. Yeah.

Who knew that being
funny was gonna be
my in with the ladies?

She thinks you're funny?

She thinks I'm hilarious.

Actually, last night,
I busted out my koala bear
doing the Rubik's Cube,

which you guys never
really appreciated.

Is that what that is?
I always thought it was a
squirrel, like, opening mail.

You see? That's not funny.

Anyway, she likes me so much
that we're going out
to dinner with her friends,

so, looks like
I'm taking this show
on the road.

Andy, why didn't you
show up for
the photo shoot?

That was for real?
Yes, it was for real.

I only rented
that merry-go-round
for an hour, you know.

Why are we shooting
the album cover

before we've even
had our first gig?

Open mic night.
Exactly.

Hey, I'm taking this
band very seriously.

I think you're taking it
a little bit too seriously.

Like, stop calling my wife
to find out if I rehearse.
It's weird.

I gotta say,
I'm starting to question
your commitment to the band.

There's no question.
The Kenny
Moritorri Band is fifth,

after kids, wife, job,
sleeping, eating.

And drinking.

Drinking! Six. Seven.
Online Scrabble.

Anyway, I gotta
get out of here.

I have
a wrongful discharge case
in the morning.

My wrongful discharges
are usually
in the morning as well.

It's just us, buddy.
You don't have to be on.

Here, I'll give you
a ride back to the '20s.

Hello!

Oh! Is that the witch?

Brendo.

Relax, all right?
I'm just going to buy her
a beer and talk music.

Meet me in Tulsa.
I'll be there by morning.

It'll be worth the trip.

Tulsa? That's
one long scooter ride.

Dude, you are not
seriously considering that.

Come on, Peej.
I haven't had any girl fun
in a really long time.

Girl fun?
That's what you call it?

I'm just saying
I haven't been
on a date in months.

I'm not saying don't date.
I'm saying don't date that.

You haven't exercised
in a while, right?

Don't sign up
for a triathlon. You do
a little stretching first.

I don't want you
to hurt yourself.

You're right.
You're right.
You're right.

Who needs?
Yes, please.

Yeah?
Yeah.

What is that look?

Oh, I know that look.

I do, too,
and I don't like it.

We're not getting
our beer, are we?

No.

And believe you me,
I never picked up
the violin again.

Mike, I mean,
you kill me.

Robin!

Hey!
Hey, you guys!

Mike, these are
my dear friends.

This is Jill
and this is Todd.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Robin, I'm so sorry
we're late.

There was
an emergency
at the hospital.

What happened?
Did you lose
your patience?

What?
Patience.

Did you lose your...
Not patients,
but patience.

Uh, what happened?

A school bus crashed.

Colonial Williamsburg
is amazing.

You know, Todd's
such a history buff.

They were building a cannon
using 18th century...

I love that you have
a Bluetooth earpiece on
in this one. Huh?

The British are coming!

One if by land, two if by
the information superhighway.

Ha!

Come on, Todd.
Let it out!
It's okay to laugh.

Give me those.

Hey, who ordered
the tax and tip?

Uh-oh! Somebody broke
a window. Boo-ya!

I think you should work
on a design for the bandana.

I'm gonna need you to
run over to the army
surplus store on Belmont

and pick up a tent.
Hang on a second.

We need to talk.

Yeah. I kind of need
to talk to you too, Kenny.

Okay, let me start.

Getting a band's
chemistry just right
can be a tricky thing, Andy.

I completely agree.

And I like you,

but I don't want
our differences
about the band

to get in the way
of our friendship.

So glad to hear
you feel that way.

I was completely
dreading this.

I've already talked to
the rest of the band,

and we all agreed
we should probably
go on without you.

I'm sorry, what now?

Well, the guys
and I are having fun
playing music,

and you're a little intense.
You're messing with the vibe.

To be clear,
you're kicking me,

Kenny Moritorri, out of
the Kenny Moritorri Band?

We still want you
to come to the show,
you know, comped.

Hey, guys.
I need your help.

Brendan was
supposed to be my dummy
for my seminar tonight,

and I found out that
he's gone. I need a man.

Whoa, no, no. Sorry, Steph.
Robin's calling me later,

and I gotta be a man
for her tonight.

Bobby, why don't
you fill in?

Well, I don't want to miss
the Kenny Moritorri Band.

It's their first gig.

Open mic night.

Hasn't even rehearsed yet.
Come on.

And it's Kenny.
I mean, how good can it be?

Don't worry, he'll do it.

Whoa! Wait,
wait, wait, wait.

I think you got me confused
with Brendo, Peej.

See, I'm not the guy
that you get to make
all the decisions for.

I'm sorry.

Of course you're not.
I'll see you at 8:00.

Okay.

What just happened?

You just don't take
anything seriously,
and it's become a problem.

I mean, I think you're
funny, but you're
always on, you know?

It's tiring, Mike.

That's really good, Robin.
Really good.

Okay. It's time
to end it for real now.

Okay.

Excuse me. Sorry.
Sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me.
I'm so sorry. Sorry.

Hey, hello? Hey, Robin.

Hey, I can barely hear you.
What's with the echo?

Hang up, Mike!
It's a trap!

You're a great guy,
but everything's
not a joke.

You're never serious.
It's over, Mike.

What just happened?

Kenny, it sucks
they kicked you
out of the band

right before
your first gig.

It's just
an open mic night.

Besides,
Brendan wasn't even there.
You know, I'm fine with it.

In fact, maybe what I'll
do is I'll start
the Andy Franklin Band

and I'll see
how he likes it.

Hey, at least you
didn't get dumped
over the phone

in front of a room
full of strangers.

And me. I was there.

I thought it
was going so well.
Why did she end it?

I don't know. I guess
I was too funny for her.

Buddy, I hate to
split hairs, but...

What happened to you?

Dude, that girl is insane!

We partied in a quarry,
we had sex in a nursing home.

I got pushed in a river.
We broke into a zoo. Oh!

I had to take a bus home,
man. Somehow she got
me on the no-fly list.

Tulsa has a river?

Oh, man!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
I smell kind of weird.

Apparently, when
Gwen breaks up with you,

she's gotta douse you
with turtle urine.

Something about cleansing
the spirit guides
or something.

Dude, that's rough.

I don't know.
No regrets, man.

It might have been
the greatest two days
of my life.

Dude, you almost died.
Twice.

Yeah, what a rush.
So worth it.

Here's to sex
in the zoo!

Yes.

You can only do
so much to protect
someone from themselves.

I can show
Brendan the dangers,
but in the end...

Sorry, Peej.
Sometimes you gotta
just eat the burrito.

Oh! Speaking of that,
I am hungry.

Who's up
for an Awful Burger?
Mmm!

What's an Awful Burger?

Double cheeseburger.
Grilled onions.
Smothered in chili.

On a bed of twice
deep-fried hash browns
with a fried egg on top.

It's not on the menu.
You gotta order it special.

Who's in?
P.J.?

All right, what the hell.
Yeah.

Cool. 'Cause if
a chick orders it,
we get half off!

The things
that girl could do
with a wheelchair.

Wheelchair?
Yeah.