Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:10,078
A simple goal
for every ballplayer is this:
2
00:00:10,079 --> 00:00:11,872
consistency.
3
00:00:11,873 --> 00:00:14,116
That is, the ability
to play the game
at a high level
4
00:00:14,117 --> 00:00:16,118
every single day.
5
00:00:16,119 --> 00:00:19,087
To get there, you've got
to work your butt off.
6
00:00:19,088 --> 00:00:20,709
Who was that?
7
00:00:20,710 --> 00:00:22,469
The Turk
Vardell Show.
8
00:00:22,470 --> 00:00:24,264
I'm going to be
a guest this Sunday.
9
00:00:24,265 --> 00:00:25,852
Sweet! Yeah!
10
00:00:25,853 --> 00:00:27,095
Oh, yeah!
11
00:00:27,096 --> 00:00:28,303
Oh, my God, that's huge.
12
00:00:28,304 --> 00:00:29,614
The Turk Vardell Show?
13
00:00:29,615 --> 00:00:30,857
The Turk
is a total legend.
14
00:00:30,858 --> 00:00:33,204
The guy carries $1,000
in cash at all times,
15
00:00:33,205 --> 00:00:34,688
dresses in nothing
but Hugo Boss,
16
00:00:34,689 --> 00:00:37,450
eats at Charlie Trotter's
every night.
17
00:00:37,451 --> 00:00:39,245
Wow, P.J., that is so cool.
How did you get that gig?
18
00:00:39,246 --> 00:00:41,143
Well, I just had
an interview with him,
19
00:00:41,144 --> 00:00:44,215
and he was just
impressed by my extensive
knowledge of the Cubs.
20
00:00:44,216 --> 00:00:45,941
No one better.
Yeah.
21
00:00:45,942 --> 00:00:47,667
And check this,
I could be
a regular guest.
22
00:00:47,668 --> 00:00:49,048
I mean,
if I do a good job.
23
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,602
No problem!
Are you kidding me?
It's easy.
24
00:00:51,603 --> 00:00:52,914
Damn it.
25
00:00:54,192 --> 00:00:56,779
Wow, thanks for
the support, Bob.
26
00:00:56,780 --> 00:00:58,747
No. No, no, no, no.
It's awesome.
27
00:00:58,748 --> 00:01:00,024
It's awesome for you.
28
00:01:00,025 --> 00:01:03,165
It just also means
that I didn't get the call.
29
00:01:03,166 --> 00:01:04,718
I had an interview
last week, so...
30
00:01:04,719 --> 00:01:06,824
Wait a second,
is this going to be
your first time on TV?
31
00:01:06,825 --> 00:01:08,584
Yep.
And this is just
the beginning.
32
00:01:08,585 --> 00:01:11,553
Today, The Turk Vardell Show.
Tomorrow, SportsCenter.
33
00:01:11,554 --> 00:01:14,107
For two years.
Then, the P.J. Franklin Show.
34
00:01:15,799 --> 00:01:17,179
P.J.!
35
00:01:17,180 --> 00:01:18,836
Oh, man, it could
be huge. National.
36
00:01:18,837 --> 00:01:20,493
I mean, come on,
you're going to become
America's sweetheart.
37
00:01:20,494 --> 00:01:23,496
Then you buy
an enormous mansion,
marry a rock star,
38
00:01:23,497 --> 00:01:26,775
develop a drug problem,
become a recluse,
disappear for a while.
39
00:01:26,776 --> 00:01:28,294
You know, lots of rumors
that you're dead.
40
00:01:28,295 --> 00:01:30,434
But then you're not.
41
00:01:30,435 --> 00:01:32,815
And you re-emerge
with a very brief stint
on a cheesy reality show
42
00:01:32,816 --> 00:01:34,852
because you gotta lose
the recluse weight.
43
00:01:34,853 --> 00:01:36,405
Then, you get your comeback.
44
00:01:36,406 --> 00:01:37,958
The new P.J. Franklin Show.
45
00:01:37,959 --> 00:01:39,305
Same theme song...
46
00:01:39,306 --> 00:01:40,961
P.J.!
47
00:01:40,962 --> 00:01:43,516
Yes, and then,
it's time to write your
crappy children's book.
48
00:01:43,517 --> 00:01:45,690
Even Unicorns Say "I'm Sorry."
49
00:01:53,423 --> 00:01:54,423
Peej?
50
00:01:54,424 --> 00:01:56,908
I'm in here.
51
00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:59,773
If you can play baseball
at a consistent level,
52
00:01:59,774 --> 00:02:04,606
you should be able
to deal with any situation
the game throws at you.
53
00:02:04,607 --> 00:02:08,920
Okay, I've got good news
and even better news.
54
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,646
I will take
the better news.
55
00:02:10,647 --> 00:02:12,510
I have to give you
the good news first,
otherwise, it doesn't work.
56
00:02:12,511 --> 00:02:13,684
Well, then why'd
you give me a choice?
57
00:02:13,685 --> 00:02:15,030
Oh, I like the blazer.
58
00:02:15,031 --> 00:02:16,204
Yeah, is that
the good news?
59
00:02:16,205 --> 00:02:17,757
No, that was just
an aside.
60
00:02:17,758 --> 00:02:22,900
The good news is,
we're going to Italy
in the fall.
61
00:02:22,901 --> 00:02:24,281
Really?
Yes!
62
00:02:24,282 --> 00:02:26,386
The better news,
if we buy now,
63
00:02:26,387 --> 00:02:28,077
we can get
two-for-one tickets.
64
00:02:28,078 --> 00:02:30,839
One for us and one
for our boyfriends.
65
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,772
Why don't the two of us go,
just you and me?
66
00:02:32,773 --> 00:02:34,532
I don't want to go
with you.
67
00:02:34,533 --> 00:02:36,155
Italy is for lovers.
68
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,432
Well, so is Virginia.
69
00:02:37,433 --> 00:02:38,605
Steph, we're both single.
70
00:02:38,606 --> 00:02:39,882
Not for long.
71
00:02:39,883 --> 00:02:42,264
We will be off the market
by October for sure.
72
00:02:42,265 --> 00:02:46,268
And if not, I'll sign
us up for some
lesbian walking tour.
73
00:02:46,269 --> 00:02:47,476
And you can wear that.
74
00:02:47,477 --> 00:02:49,202
Right.
75
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:52,309
So, what do you say?
76
00:02:52,310 --> 00:02:55,415
Steph, come on, you gotta
give me some time
to think about it.
77
00:02:55,416 --> 00:02:57,314
You know, you can't just
storm into my room
78
00:02:57,315 --> 00:03:00,109
and expect me to buy
a plane ticket for
a boyfriend I don't have.
79
00:03:00,110 --> 00:03:02,560
But the tickets are
so cheap right now.
80
00:03:02,561 --> 00:03:04,079
I understand that,
81
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,392
but I got a lot of things
on my mind right now.
82
00:03:06,393 --> 00:03:07,910
Like this taping.
83
00:03:07,911 --> 00:03:10,982
This is a huge gig for me,
and I need to look my best.
84
00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:12,915
Okay, how about this?
85
00:03:12,916 --> 00:03:15,781
Does this say,
"Hi, I'm P.J.
I know sports"?
86
00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:18,369
Actually, it kind of says,
87
00:03:18,370 --> 00:03:19,888
"Hi, I'm P.J.,
I'm the number-one
88
00:03:19,889 --> 00:03:21,579
"real estate agent
in Lincoln Park."
89
00:03:21,580 --> 00:03:22,718
Number one, huh?
90
00:03:22,719 --> 00:03:24,687
It's not a compliment.
91
00:03:34,144 --> 00:03:37,526
P.J., you been practicing
your catch phrases for
The Turk Vardell Show?
92
00:03:37,527 --> 00:03:39,356
No, I don't have
any catch phrases.
93
00:03:39,357 --> 00:03:41,012
Oh, you're going
to need some.
It's Turk Vardell.
94
00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:42,738
Yeah,
the show is nothing
but catch phrases.
95
00:03:42,739 --> 00:03:46,501
Yeah, you know, like,
"The windup, the pitch!
96
00:03:46,502 --> 00:03:48,537
"Boomshakalaka!"
97
00:03:48,538 --> 00:03:50,194
Or you're always safe
with a movie quote, like,
98
00:03:50,195 --> 00:03:52,955
"He's at the wall!
Hasta la vista, baby!"
99
00:03:52,956 --> 00:03:56,580
Or, "Derrek Lee,
he's on a mission
from God."
100
00:03:56,581 --> 00:03:59,376
"You had me at 'Hello.'"
101
00:03:59,377 --> 00:04:00,825
What?
102
00:04:00,826 --> 00:04:02,344
"You had me at 'Hello.'"
103
00:04:02,345 --> 00:04:04,691
It's a movie quote.
It's from Jerry Maguire.
He might say that.
104
00:04:04,692 --> 00:04:06,003
No. Sit down.
105
00:04:06,004 --> 00:04:07,176
What's wrong with
falling in love?
106
00:04:07,177 --> 00:04:08,833
I gotta go.
107
00:04:08,834 --> 00:04:10,904
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going?
We just started.
108
00:04:10,905 --> 00:04:12,906
Look, these poker nights
are really hard for me.
109
00:04:12,907 --> 00:04:16,876
I live in Hoffman Estates,
which is essentially
the upper peninsula.
110
00:04:16,877 --> 00:04:18,671
So if you want me
to keep playing,
111
00:04:18,672 --> 00:04:21,294
we're going to have to
do this at a time that works
for me, like, 4:30.
112
00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:23,676
Come on, Andy. Come...
113
00:04:23,677 --> 00:04:26,023
No, I'm serious.
This commute's killing me.
114
00:04:26,024 --> 00:04:29,406
If I'm going to keep playing,
I gotta find a place
to crash in the city.
115
00:04:29,407 --> 00:04:30,786
Hey, man,
I'd offer my place,
116
00:04:30,787 --> 00:04:34,480
but my roommate Jeff's cousin
is in town from Denmark.
117
00:04:34,481 --> 00:04:35,860
Gurn.
118
00:04:35,861 --> 00:04:38,347
Hey, buddy, you can
totally stay at my place.
119
00:04:39,727 --> 00:04:41,659
Are you sure that's
a good idea, Mike?
120
00:04:41,660 --> 00:04:43,627
Absolutely.
I've got tons of space.
121
00:04:43,628 --> 00:04:45,214
All right, great.
Really?
122
00:04:45,215 --> 00:04:47,355
Yeah, I mean,
I gotta get permission
from the warden first,
123
00:04:47,356 --> 00:04:49,012
but hold on...
124
00:04:49,841 --> 00:04:51,773
Hello, honey?
125
00:04:51,774 --> 00:04:55,811
Yeah, what's the color
of the car?
126
00:04:55,812 --> 00:04:57,779
The gray one.
127
00:04:57,780 --> 00:04:59,884
No, I'm fine to drive.
128
00:04:59,885 --> 00:05:01,922
But I want to come home!
129
00:05:02,992 --> 00:05:06,270
Well, if you
really think so. Okay.
130
00:05:06,271 --> 00:05:07,962
See you tomorrow.
131
00:05:14,003 --> 00:05:16,488
She's my wife.
I don't want to lie to her.
132
00:05:19,974 --> 00:05:21,734
Seriously, man,
I'm really psyched
about this.
133
00:05:21,735 --> 00:05:23,149
We're going to have
a great time together.
134
00:05:23,150 --> 00:05:24,495
Yeah, yeah,
slow down, cowboy.
135
00:05:24,496 --> 00:05:25,565
We're not dating.
136
00:05:27,223 --> 00:05:29,120
Well, you know,
really, I do appreciate
you letting me crash.
137
00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:31,364
Hey, no problem.
Come on.
Okay.
138
00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:32,780
Come on in.
139
00:05:36,784 --> 00:05:39,062
How you doing
tonight, Frank?
140
00:05:41,064 --> 00:05:42,410
You don't have any furniture.
141
00:05:42,411 --> 00:05:44,930
I know. You like it, huh?
It's a cool pad.
142
00:05:50,833 --> 00:05:52,765
There's no place to sleep.
Where am I supposed to sleep?
143
00:05:52,766 --> 00:05:54,801
Anywhere you want.
What, in that chair?
144
00:05:54,802 --> 00:05:56,701
This is totally comfy.
145
00:05:57,564 --> 00:05:59,288
Watch this.
146
00:06:00,429 --> 00:06:01,946
Huh?
147
00:06:01,947 --> 00:06:03,223
What am I,
a heroin addict?
148
00:06:03,224 --> 00:06:04,777
How am I supposed to
sleep in the chair?
149
00:06:04,778 --> 00:06:07,505
I'm going to get you
a blanket. Come on.
150
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,094
We're not cavemen around here.
151
00:06:12,682 --> 00:06:15,443
Um... Hmm...
152
00:06:15,444 --> 00:06:17,791
Actually, I don't
have a blanket.
153
00:06:18,930 --> 00:06:21,381
Hey, would you be happy
with a windbreaker?
154
00:06:25,868 --> 00:06:27,489
If you want
to be consistent,
155
00:06:27,490 --> 00:06:29,560
you gotta have
a clear game plan.
156
00:06:29,561 --> 00:06:32,529
That's another key step
on the road to success.
157
00:06:32,530 --> 00:06:34,289
Okay, you look great.
158
00:06:34,290 --> 00:06:37,568
Just remember one thing,
during commercial breaks,
lick your lips.
159
00:06:37,569 --> 00:06:38,949
It keeps them looking shiny.
160
00:06:38,950 --> 00:06:40,329
Okay, I'll try.
161
00:06:40,330 --> 00:06:41,848
Lots of things
to remember, Steph.
162
00:06:41,849 --> 00:06:43,367
Oh, and I need you
to remember
one more thing...
163
00:06:43,368 --> 00:06:44,506
No, I'm full!
164
00:06:44,507 --> 00:06:46,163
No, no,
it's not about this.
165
00:06:46,164 --> 00:06:48,855
It's just that we lose
the two-for-one
ticket deal at midnight.
166
00:06:48,856 --> 00:06:52,721
Oh, yes, for you, me,
and the boyfriends
we don't have.
167
00:06:52,722 --> 00:06:54,102
Ooh.
168
00:06:54,103 --> 00:06:56,035
Speak for yourself.
169
00:06:56,036 --> 00:07:00,178
That guy doesn't know it yet,
but he just won himself
a free trip to Italy.
170
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:07,460
Dude, come on, man.
This just seems
so unnecessary.
171
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:11,153
I'm weird. I'm one
of those people who don't
like to sleep in a chair.
172
00:07:11,154 --> 00:07:14,881
So if I'm going to
crash at your place,
I'm going to need a real bed.
173
00:07:14,882 --> 00:07:16,331
Well, don't buy
a new one, man.
174
00:07:16,332 --> 00:07:18,782
Why not just bust out
a Goodwill special?
175
00:07:18,783 --> 00:07:24,201
Do you know how much bacteria
and microorganisms
live in used mattresses?
176
00:07:24,202 --> 00:07:25,478
You have a used mattress,
don't you?
177
00:07:26,584 --> 00:07:28,137
My God.
178
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:33,797
Behold, the Grand King.
179
00:07:33,798 --> 00:07:35,212
Whoa!
180
00:07:48,847 --> 00:07:50,055
This is
181
00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:52,781
delicious.
182
00:07:52,782 --> 00:07:55,198
This is the Grand King.
183
00:07:56,406 --> 00:07:57,924
So, what are
you guys doing?
184
00:07:57,925 --> 00:07:59,443
Shopping for
maternity clothes.
185
00:07:59,444 --> 00:08:00,480
Oh.
186
00:08:01,826 --> 00:08:03,172
This is...
187
00:08:04,311 --> 00:08:06,243
This is just...
188
00:08:06,244 --> 00:08:08,279
Oh, I'm never leaving.
I'm going to have
the baby right here.
189
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,937
Kenny, call Dr. Klein.
190
00:08:10,938 --> 00:08:13,700
Maybe the mattress
comes in crib size.
191
00:08:14,839 --> 00:08:17,288
Okay, we don't need it
in a crib size
192
00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:20,188
because we are not
leaving the hospital
with the baby.
193
00:08:20,189 --> 00:08:24,123
The baby
is leaving the hospital
with Chad and Jeremy.
194
00:08:24,124 --> 00:08:25,642
I know...
195
00:08:25,643 --> 00:08:27,126
I mean...
196
00:08:27,127 --> 00:08:28,921
Ouch, ouch, ouch!
"Oh, look at the
little cutie baby.
197
00:08:28,922 --> 00:08:30,958
"Here, Chad and Jeremy.
Bye-bye!"
198
00:08:39,139 --> 00:08:41,830
After you've
practiced and prepared,
199
00:08:41,831 --> 00:08:44,730
it's time to put
your game plan in motion.
200
00:08:44,731 --> 00:08:46,835
This is your
first time on TV?
201
00:08:46,836 --> 00:08:48,699
Oh, you're not
going to forget it.
202
00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:50,977
I mean, it stays
with you forever.
It's great.
203
00:08:50,978 --> 00:08:52,427
Yeah. You got
a catch phrase?
204
00:08:52,428 --> 00:08:53,532
Gotta have
a catch phrase!
205
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,843
Yeah,
something like this.
206
00:08:54,844 --> 00:08:56,396
Something like,
"Yeah, you know what?
207
00:08:56,397 --> 00:08:59,089
"Can I have some syrup
for my grand slam breakfast?"
208
00:08:59,090 --> 00:09:01,401
"Went to White Castle,
came back with
a wicked slider."
209
00:09:01,402 --> 00:09:04,197
"Man on first.
Time for a little bit
of bunt cake."
210
00:09:04,198 --> 00:09:05,578
Oh, that's terrible.
It's great.
211
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,028
No, seriously,
don't do that one.
212
00:09:07,029 --> 00:09:08,098
Bunt cake is...
No, it's wonderful.
Come on!
213
00:09:09,894 --> 00:09:11,757
The Turk has
entered the building.
214
00:09:12,862 --> 00:09:15,001
Booyakasha!
215
00:09:15,002 --> 00:09:16,796
Turk's feeling the magic.
You guys feeling the magic?
216
00:09:16,797 --> 00:09:17,866
I'm feeling the magic.
217
00:09:17,867 --> 00:09:19,937
All right. Brilliant!
218
00:09:19,938 --> 00:09:22,043
In the meantime,
eat, drink, and be merry.
219
00:09:22,044 --> 00:09:23,872
Train's leaving
in five minutes.
220
00:09:23,873 --> 00:09:26,566
Next stop, TV land!
All aboard!
221
00:09:34,746 --> 00:09:36,540
Andy's new bed
is unbelievable.
222
00:09:36,541 --> 00:09:38,266
It's literally like
sleeping on a cloud.
223
00:09:38,267 --> 00:09:40,200
It made me
like myself more.
224
00:09:41,857 --> 00:09:43,858
Hey, honey.
Hey.
225
00:09:43,859 --> 00:09:46,826
I was thinking.
You know, we should have
a party or something,
226
00:09:46,827 --> 00:09:49,829
something where
we could celebrate
the coming of the baby,
227
00:09:49,830 --> 00:09:53,005
like, with food
and cake and presents.
228
00:09:53,006 --> 00:09:56,111
Something like,
I don't know,
like a shower?
229
00:09:56,112 --> 00:09:57,941
That's a great idea.
230
00:09:57,942 --> 00:10:00,391
We could play games,
decorate onesies.
231
00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:02,014
Okay, I don't know
how many times
I have to say it.
232
00:10:02,015 --> 00:10:05,051
This is not my baby.
233
00:10:05,052 --> 00:10:07,053
I know...
No. No, you don't know,
234
00:10:07,054 --> 00:10:08,917
because you keep
acting like it is.
235
00:10:08,918 --> 00:10:10,816
Kenny, you're making this
very difficult on me.
236
00:10:10,817 --> 00:10:13,542
All this endless
babbling about showers
237
00:10:13,543 --> 00:10:15,752
and baby beds
and cotton diapers.
238
00:10:15,753 --> 00:10:18,651
I mean, I think
that you're way more
into this baby
239
00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:20,515
than you are into me.
240
00:10:20,516 --> 00:10:22,966
I'm afraid you're going
to dump me as soon as I'm
not pregnant, you know?
241
00:10:22,967 --> 00:10:25,520
When I'm...
When I'm thin and hot.
242
00:10:25,521 --> 00:10:27,971
Where are you
going to be? Huh?
243
00:10:27,972 --> 00:10:29,111
Huh?
244
00:10:30,595 --> 00:10:34,219
Just... Here,
beers are on me, guys.
245
00:10:36,739 --> 00:10:38,327
Hormones, right?
246
00:10:42,365 --> 00:10:45,954
Well, we came
for one show
and we got another.
247
00:10:45,955 --> 00:10:48,198
Oh, hey, turn it up,
would you?
248
00:10:48,199 --> 00:10:50,994
Sure.
249
00:10:50,995 --> 00:10:55,826
And, now,
here's the man, Turk Vardell.
250
00:10:55,827 --> 00:10:59,279
My guests tonight,
from the Chicago Tribune,
Pete Hulne,
251
00:10:59,969 --> 00:11:02,143
Charlie Keene,
252
00:11:02,144 --> 00:11:05,940
and from
the Chicago Sun-Times,
Miss P.J. Franklin!
253
00:11:05,941 --> 00:11:07,528
All right!
Yeah!
254
00:11:10,117 --> 00:11:12,463
What do the Cubs
need to do
to get to October?
255
00:11:12,464 --> 00:11:14,155
Bring in the noise, P.J.!
256
00:11:15,951 --> 00:11:18,780
Well, the Cubs
are going to need to...
257
00:11:18,781 --> 00:11:21,508
Cubs, October,
World Series, shazam!
258
00:11:22,992 --> 00:11:24,166
Right...
259
00:11:26,824 --> 00:11:28,203
Charlie!
Okay, one,
260
00:11:28,204 --> 00:11:30,274
get big numbers
from Alfonso Soriano.
261
00:11:30,275 --> 00:11:32,967
Two, they need to keep
the pitching staff healthy,
262
00:11:32,968 --> 00:11:35,038
from Big Z
all the way on down.
263
00:11:35,039 --> 00:11:36,695
Then they're
going to be all right.
Oh, you know what?
264
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,455
Also, I'm going
to have the number two
with cheese fries.
265
00:11:38,456 --> 00:11:41,216
And you know what?
Put on some world championship
sauce on top of that!
266
00:11:41,217 --> 00:11:43,598
I'll have what he's having,
but super size it.
267
00:11:45,635 --> 00:11:48,017
And with that
you get egg roll!
268
00:11:51,055 --> 00:11:52,780
See, my friend's
a guest on the show
269
00:11:52,781 --> 00:11:54,505
and I should
totally be watching,
270
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:58,199
but your eyes,
they're just messing me up.
271
00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:01,512
Well, what about
the Sox in 2005?
272
00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:03,135
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know
if this city
273
00:12:03,136 --> 00:12:04,619
could handle
a Cubs championship.
274
00:12:04,620 --> 00:12:07,380
This city will be on fire.
I mean, it'll be total chaos!
275
00:12:07,381 --> 00:12:10,590
Dogs and cats
living together,
mass hysteria.
276
00:12:10,591 --> 00:12:12,765
Yeah, and who you
gonna call, huh?
277
00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:14,146
Ghostbusters?
278
00:12:18,910 --> 00:12:21,049
Warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
279
00:12:21,050 --> 00:12:23,603
Set a course for
the next question.
280
00:12:23,604 --> 00:12:25,916
P.J. Franklin,
thoughts, new coach?
281
00:12:25,917 --> 00:12:28,091
Boomshakalaka!
282
00:12:28,092 --> 00:12:29,920
Lou Piniella, man.
I mean, he's a force.
283
00:12:29,921 --> 00:12:31,542
You know, he's a legend.
284
00:12:31,543 --> 00:12:34,960
He puts the lotion
in the fricking basket,
you know?
285
00:12:34,961 --> 00:12:36,893
I mean, he's like,
286
00:12:36,894 --> 00:12:41,000
"Go ahead, St. Louis
Cardinals. Make my day."
287
00:12:41,001 --> 00:12:42,381
Oh, my God.
288
00:12:42,382 --> 00:12:43,796
What is she doing?
289
00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,073
This is not good.
290
00:12:45,074 --> 00:12:46,626
So not good.
291
00:12:51,287 --> 00:12:53,875
Is it over?
You were great.
Seriously.
292
00:12:53,876 --> 00:12:55,463
Really?
From what I saw.
293
00:12:55,464 --> 00:12:56,636
And you know
I don't know
a thing about sports.
294
00:12:56,637 --> 00:12:58,293
That's how good
you were.
295
00:12:58,294 --> 00:13:01,296
Oh, Turk, my man!
296
00:13:01,297 --> 00:13:02,850
That was really,
really fun.
297
00:13:02,851 --> 00:13:05,197
I had such a good time.
Ditto.
298
00:13:05,198 --> 00:13:07,199
Yeah, I just wanted
to say thank you
for inviting me, you know?
299
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,684
I mean, I hope I was okay.
300
00:13:09,685 --> 00:13:12,652
Well, you put the lotion
in the fricking basket.
301
00:13:12,653 --> 00:13:14,137
Really?
Yeah.
302
00:13:14,138 --> 00:13:17,726
But I gotta go. Reservations,
Charlie Trotter's, 8:15.
303
00:13:17,727 --> 00:13:20,177
Okay, so I guess
I'll just talk to you soon
about the next show.
304
00:13:20,178 --> 00:13:22,456
Hey, you're in my BlackBerry.
305
00:13:26,046 --> 00:13:28,634
That's good, right?
Are you kidding?
You're in his BlackBerry.
306
00:13:28,635 --> 00:13:29,911
Let's celebrate.
307
00:13:29,912 --> 00:13:31,879
Okay, can we go get
some drinks at Crowley's?
308
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,673
I think the guys are there.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
309
00:13:33,674 --> 00:13:35,089
But can we just swing
by my place first
310
00:13:35,090 --> 00:13:38,402
and pick up a sweater
and four tickets to Italy?
311
00:13:38,403 --> 00:13:40,197
You know what? Okay.
Really?
312
00:13:40,198 --> 00:13:41,923
Yeah, yeah,
let's get those tickets,
you know?
313
00:13:41,924 --> 00:13:43,580
I mean, we should
celebrate, right?
314
00:13:43,581 --> 00:13:45,237
I mean, who knows?
315
00:13:45,238 --> 00:13:48,241
This could be
the beginning
of a new career.
316
00:13:50,484 --> 00:13:55,593
Do you think she was
so bad she might actually
lose her real job?
317
00:14:02,117 --> 00:14:04,773
Man, considering
the fact that she
beat me out for the gig,
318
00:14:04,774 --> 00:14:07,121
I really should've
enjoyed that more.
319
00:14:07,122 --> 00:14:09,054
It's weird. I don't think
I've ever seen P.J.
320
00:14:09,055 --> 00:14:10,814
be really, really
bad at anything.
321
00:14:10,815 --> 00:14:13,092
Well, you weren't
at her first
piano recital.
322
00:14:13,093 --> 00:14:15,129
She threw up all
over Grandma Noonie,
323
00:14:15,130 --> 00:14:16,855
who was in
the third row.
324
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,271
Wow.
325
00:14:23,172 --> 00:14:24,863
Well, that's over.
326
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:25,933
So you guys made up?
327
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:28,383
Nope, she broke up with me.
328
00:14:28,384 --> 00:14:30,730
She doesn't want
to see me anymore.
329
00:14:30,731 --> 00:14:32,491
Look, Kenny,
I know it sucks,
330
00:14:32,492 --> 00:14:35,701
but you gotta look at this
as an opportunity.
331
00:14:35,702 --> 00:14:37,668
An opportunity to...
332
00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:40,948
Find somebody
who's not pregnant.
333
00:14:40,949 --> 00:14:44,503
I would've used
softer language, but yeah.
What he said.
334
00:14:44,504 --> 00:14:48,231
We still have two
birthing classes left.
It's going to be awkward.
335
00:14:48,232 --> 00:14:51,268
I'm pretty sure
you're off the hook
on that one, buddy.
336
00:14:51,269 --> 00:14:52,580
You think?
337
00:14:52,581 --> 00:14:54,031
I guess so.
338
00:14:55,204 --> 00:14:56,861
Hey, how was P.J.?
339
00:14:57,551 --> 00:14:59,794
Well, she kind of...
340
00:14:59,795 --> 00:15:01,485
Sucked.
341
00:15:01,486 --> 00:15:04,661
Again, I'd use
softer language, but yeah,
I'm good with "sucked."
342
00:15:04,662 --> 00:15:06,525
Or you could just
say that she...
343
00:15:06,526 --> 00:15:08,320
You know, she swung
and she missed.
344
00:15:08,321 --> 00:15:10,184
Hey, that has
a nice ring to it.
345
00:15:10,185 --> 00:15:11,633
Why don't we
just tell her that?
346
00:15:11,634 --> 00:15:13,463
Wait, we're telling her?
347
00:15:13,464 --> 00:15:15,983
Trust me,
if she finds out she sucked
from somebody else,
348
00:15:15,984 --> 00:15:18,399
she'll yell at us
for not saying it.
349
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:21,574
Screw that.
I say we just flat out lie.
350
00:15:21,575 --> 00:15:24,784
"You were smart,
funny, yada, yada,"
and then, boom!
351
00:15:24,785 --> 00:15:26,579
We move on
to the next topic.
Are you with me?
352
00:15:26,580 --> 00:15:27,961
Hell, yeah.
353
00:15:29,583 --> 00:15:30,929
Oh, crap, here she comes.
354
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,034
All those in favor
of lying to my sister,
say aye.
355
00:15:33,035 --> 00:15:34,208
Aye.
Aye.
356
00:15:34,209 --> 00:15:36,279
Nay. I'm saying nay.
357
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:38,315
All right,
the ayes have it.
358
00:15:38,316 --> 00:15:39,558
Hey!
359
00:15:39,559 --> 00:15:40,766
Hey, P.J.
360
00:15:40,767 --> 00:15:42,354
Come on, give me some.
361
00:15:42,355 --> 00:15:44,218
Who was on TV? You.
362
00:15:44,219 --> 00:15:45,805
Yeah.
Yeah, it's like,
you know, we were here,
363
00:15:45,806 --> 00:15:48,740
and you were right up there.
364
00:15:49,672 --> 00:15:51,915
Lotion and basket...
365
00:15:51,916 --> 00:15:53,227
Did you guys like that?
366
00:15:53,228 --> 00:15:54,953
I don't know where
that came from.
367
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,232
You know what I said.
SportsCenter.
368
00:15:58,267 --> 00:16:00,337
No, no, that's not
my focus right now.
369
00:16:00,338 --> 00:16:02,753
But, I don't know,
in a few years maybe.
370
00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:04,445
I'd watch.
Yeah?
371
00:16:04,446 --> 00:16:06,689
You guys really thought
I was great?
372
00:16:08,829 --> 00:16:10,899
Kimmie broke up
with Kenny.
Yeah.
373
00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:13,040
What? Yeah.
374
00:16:13,041 --> 00:16:14,800
You know
the hardest part?
What?
375
00:16:14,801 --> 00:16:17,285
That baby's never
going to get to know me.
376
00:16:17,286 --> 00:16:20,392
Yeah, he'll never
know the guy
who wasn't his father,
377
00:16:20,393 --> 00:16:23,498
who dated the woman
who wasn't his mother.
378
00:16:23,499 --> 00:16:24,673
Yeah.
379
00:16:25,950 --> 00:16:28,055
Drinks.
Yes.
380
00:16:28,056 --> 00:16:30,436
Hey, Brendo, after this,
can we go back
and watch the show?
381
00:16:30,437 --> 00:16:32,060
You recorded it, right?
382
00:16:33,820 --> 00:16:36,511
Oh, my God. Peej,
you are going to kill me.
383
00:16:36,512 --> 00:16:37,788
Don't say it.
384
00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,618
I'm so sorry. I just...
I completely forgot.
385
00:16:39,619 --> 00:16:41,758
Brendo...
No, no, no, it's okay, Peej,
386
00:16:41,759 --> 00:16:44,140
'cause you can get a DVD
from the Turk when you
go back on Tuesday.
387
00:16:44,141 --> 00:16:46,177
Oh, that's right.
That's right.
388
00:16:48,145 --> 00:16:49,801
I'm coming with you.
389
00:16:53,219 --> 00:16:54,529
You're going to
erase that show, right?
390
00:16:54,530 --> 00:16:56,048
Oh, dude,
I am way ahead of you.
391
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,223
Yup.
392
00:17:02,573 --> 00:17:04,160
Hey, guys,
check it out.
393
00:17:04,161 --> 00:17:05,816
Four tickets to Italy.
394
00:17:05,817 --> 00:17:07,473
Nice!
395
00:17:07,474 --> 00:17:09,717
Hey, now, listen,
if you don't find
a boyfriend to take,
396
00:17:09,718 --> 00:17:12,651
which I'm sure you will
because you're very attractive
and very charming...
397
00:17:12,652 --> 00:17:14,411
Shotgun!
You can't do that.
398
00:17:14,412 --> 00:17:15,895
I called it.
You were slow.
399
00:17:15,896 --> 00:17:18,001
You weren't touching
the tickets. Shotgun!
400
00:17:18,002 --> 00:17:19,451
Since when
is that the rule?
401
00:17:19,452 --> 00:17:21,108
So what are the odds
of you and Stephanie
402
00:17:21,109 --> 00:17:23,662
actually finding
boyfriends by October?
403
00:17:23,663 --> 00:17:26,320
P.J.? I'd say
she's even money,
$1.20 or pick 'em.
404
00:17:26,321 --> 00:17:28,805
Stephanie?
House won't take that action.
405
00:17:28,806 --> 00:17:30,703
Well, welcome back, buddy.
406
00:17:30,704 --> 00:17:32,360
You feeling better?
Yeah, you know.
407
00:17:32,361 --> 00:17:34,224
I dodged a bullet
on that one.
408
00:17:34,225 --> 00:17:35,777
Plus, think
of all the money
I'll save on, like,
409
00:17:35,778 --> 00:17:37,848
diapers, nannies, preschool.
410
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:39,643
Spend it on therapy.
411
00:17:39,644 --> 00:17:41,887
All right, guys.
Here's my problem.
412
00:17:41,888 --> 00:17:44,579
The next taping is tomorrow,
413
00:17:44,580 --> 00:17:46,720
and the Turk hasn't
called me yet.
414
00:17:49,585 --> 00:17:51,517
What should I do?
415
00:17:51,518 --> 00:17:53,657
Well, according
to Maxim magazine...
416
00:17:53,658 --> 00:17:55,418
I mean, The Economist.
417
00:17:55,419 --> 00:17:57,109
Always play hard to get.
418
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,559
Let the employer
come to you.
419
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:01,286
Oh, is that what you
keep telling yourself?
420
00:18:01,287 --> 00:18:03,840
Right, but, I mean,
it's weird, isn't it?
421
00:18:03,841 --> 00:18:06,154
I mean, people usually
call to confirm.
422
00:18:07,810 --> 00:18:09,190
Um...
423
00:18:09,191 --> 00:18:10,744
He called me.
424
00:18:11,918 --> 00:18:13,229
I talked to him this afternoon
425
00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:17,026
and I'm doing
the show tomorrow.
426
00:18:20,029 --> 00:18:23,549
Wait, the Turk ditched me?
427
00:18:23,550 --> 00:18:25,172
I don't know.
I don't... I don't think...
428
00:18:25,173 --> 00:18:28,244
Oh, my God, no.
He totally ditched me.
429
00:18:28,245 --> 00:18:30,108
Wait, why,
why is he ditching me?
430
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,455
You know, maybe
he just forgot to call.
The Turk's a busy man.
431
00:18:32,456 --> 00:18:34,042
Yeah, he eats
at Charlie Trotter's
every night.
432
00:18:34,043 --> 00:18:35,148
No.
433
00:18:36,045 --> 00:18:37,840
No, I bet I know why.
434
00:18:40,429 --> 00:18:42,845
I bet the Turk
doesn't like women.
435
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,641
I'm not sure
that's the deal, Peej.
436
00:18:46,642 --> 00:18:48,712
No, I felt it at the taping.
437
00:18:48,713 --> 00:18:49,920
Oh, my God,
come to think of it,
438
00:18:49,921 --> 00:18:51,612
he's actually never
had a woman on the show.
439
00:18:51,613 --> 00:18:54,408
Peej, that's not
what happened.
440
00:18:54,409 --> 00:18:56,686
No, no, no, no, no.
It's clear to me.
441
00:18:56,687 --> 00:18:58,895
He's a sexist. It's...
442
00:18:58,896 --> 00:19:02,070
You cannot do that show.
Wait, what?
443
00:19:02,071 --> 00:19:05,315
If you do that show,
you're going to condone
that cheeseball's behavior.
444
00:19:05,316 --> 00:19:08,076
Oh, but...
445
00:19:08,077 --> 00:19:11,873
Look, Peej, I'm pretty
sure that's not why
he didn't call you back.
446
00:19:11,874 --> 00:19:15,256
I think
it's because maybe, you know,
447
00:19:15,257 --> 00:19:18,329
TV is just not your thing.
448
00:19:19,675 --> 00:19:21,263
What do you mean?
449
00:19:22,299 --> 00:19:23,472
Look...
450
00:19:24,715 --> 00:19:27,337
You kind of swung
and missed on this one.
451
00:19:27,338 --> 00:19:29,028
What does that mean?
452
00:19:29,029 --> 00:19:31,617
Well, you know,
when a baseball player
is at the plate and the...
453
00:19:31,618 --> 00:19:33,309
No, I know what that means.
I mean, what are you saying?
454
00:19:33,310 --> 00:19:34,862
You weren't that
455
00:19:34,863 --> 00:19:36,175
great.
456
00:19:37,728 --> 00:19:38,900
What? No, no,
no, no, no.
457
00:19:38,901 --> 00:19:40,108
The Turk said
I was great.
458
00:19:40,109 --> 00:19:41,903
He said I put
the lotion in the basket.
459
00:19:41,904 --> 00:19:43,319
I'm glad you brought that up.
460
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:44,665
Nobody knows
what that means.
461
00:19:44,666 --> 00:19:46,460
Yeah, and then you tried
to do Clint Eastwood,
462
00:19:46,461 --> 00:19:48,703
but that's not
really your forte.
463
00:19:48,704 --> 00:19:50,981
Wait, so you guys
were just trying to be nice?
464
00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:52,707
Yeah.
Yes.
465
00:19:52,708 --> 00:19:53,846
You guys are never nice.
466
00:19:53,847 --> 00:19:54,951
No, never.
467
00:19:56,540 --> 00:20:00,715
Peej, it was kind of like
your piano recital.
468
00:20:00,716 --> 00:20:02,683
Yeah.
469
00:20:02,684 --> 00:20:03,891
I didn't throw up.
470
00:20:03,892 --> 00:20:05,410
Yeah, actually,
that might have saved it.
471
00:20:06,653 --> 00:20:09,862
Oh, wow! Oh, wow.
Look, I had no idea.
472
00:20:09,863 --> 00:20:11,933
I mean, look, the whole
thing happened so fast.
473
00:20:11,934 --> 00:20:13,072
You know, they just started
asking questions,
474
00:20:13,073 --> 00:20:14,212
'cause the show had started...
475
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,455
Look, Peej, Peej, Peej,
Peej, it's okay.
476
00:20:16,456 --> 00:20:18,492
Everybody has off days.
477
00:20:18,493 --> 00:20:23,980
Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, my God,
I feel like staying
in bed for a week.
478
00:20:23,981 --> 00:20:27,190
As do I.
Thanks to the Grand King.
479
00:20:29,676 --> 00:20:33,541
P.J., listen,
I mean how many people
actually saw the show?
480
00:20:33,542 --> 00:20:35,371
It's on local cable, right?
481
00:20:35,372 --> 00:20:39,098
I mean, the audience consists
totally of, you know,
fantasy league nerds
482
00:20:39,099 --> 00:20:41,895
and frat guys in khaki shorts.
483
00:20:43,794 --> 00:20:46,036
All right.
484
00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:48,384
All right, then maybe
I got away with it, huh?
485
00:20:48,385 --> 00:20:51,214
Yeah.
486
00:20:51,215 --> 00:20:54,700
I guess I'm feeling lucky,
huh, punks?
487
00:20:54,701 --> 00:20:56,668
Huh? Not my forte.
Not my forte!
488
00:20:56,669 --> 00:20:58,842
That's a
little better.
489
00:20:58,843 --> 00:21:00,568
That's something.
It was a lot closer.
490
00:21:00,569 --> 00:21:02,329
Does she know about
the YouTube thing?
'Cause I think...
491
00:21:02,330 --> 00:21:03,916
I think it's, like,
the third-most viewed.
492
00:21:03,917 --> 00:21:06,333
Yup, it is.
Right behind the clip
of the Japanese midget
493
00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:08,058
singing the milkshake song.
494
00:21:08,059 --> 00:21:10,475
Hey, which sounds
a lot like her
Clint Eastwood.
495
00:21:11,822 --> 00:21:14,099
All right,
so I had an off day.
496
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:16,066
Whatever.
497
00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:19,829
The good news is
I will get another chance
and when I do, I'll be ready.
498
00:21:19,830 --> 00:21:22,245
Ready for whatever
life throws at me.
499
00:21:22,246 --> 00:21:25,386
My guests tonight,
from the Chicago Tribune,
Pete Hulne.
500
00:21:26,733 --> 00:21:29,114
Charlie Keene!
501
00:21:29,115 --> 00:21:30,529
And Bobby Newman!
502
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:36,847
Ow!
37693
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof