Original subtitles

[upbeat jazz music]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

♪ How lucky can one guy be

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪ I kissed her and she kissed me ♪

♪ Like the fella once said, ain't that a kick in the head ♪

♪ The room was completely black ♪

♪ I hugged her and she hugged back ♪

♪ Like the sailor said, quote, ain't that a hole in a boat ♪

♪ My head keeps spinnin', I go to sleep and keep grinnin' ♪

♪ If this is just the beginnin' ♪

[Jeff coughing]

♪ My life is gonna be beautiful ♪

♪ She's telling me we'll be wed ♪

♪ She's picked out a king size bed ♪

♪ I couldn't feel any better or I'd be sick ♪

♪ Tell me quick, oh, ain't love a kick ♪

♪ Tell me quick

♪ Ain't love a kick in the head ♪

[glass shattering]

- [Narrator] Please put your hands together

for Mr. Bill Engvall.

[audience applauds] [crowd cheering]

- Thank you very much.

It is great to be here in the nation's capital.

[crowd cheering]

Wow.

It is so great to be here.

'Cause I was afraid I wasn't gonna be able to make it

'cause I thought I broke my ribs 'cause I'm an idiot.

[audience laughing]

Well, I bought my son a trampoline. [chuckles]

You see where this is headed?

[audience laughing]

Well, you know the rule,

the one that puts it together gets to try it out first.

[audience laughing]

He was off at school, I got this thing all put together

and I started to climb up on it.

My wife goes, "Hey, hey, hey,

why don't you wait for him to get home from school?

I said, "Hey, hey, hey, why don't you hush, please?"

[audience laughing]

I ain't that big idiot, all right?

[audience laughing]

So I hop up on this trampoline.

I started jumping up and down, it all came back to me.

I said, "Oh, I remember this."

Tried doing seat drops and knee drops.

Yeah, then I got cocky.

[audience laughing]

I forgot one very important thing about a trampoline,

if you don't hit square, you go up at an angle

and you don't come down at that same angle.

You come down in a equal and opposite angle.

Yeah, I'm 20 feet in the air,

now my high school geometry kicks in.

As I curl into the fetal position

and bang off the rail onto the ground.

My wife's laughing so hard she nearly peed herself.

[audience laughs]

I learned two important things that day about a trampoline.

Number one, the springs will pull the hair out of your legs.

[audience laughing]

[Bill laughing]

And number two, the dog doesn't like to jump.

[audience laughing]

It's a wonder I'm alive,

I'm always doing idiotic stuff like that.

Anybody ever set your hair on fire?

[audience cheers]

Me too and not the hair on my head.

[audience laughing]

Oh, shall we not go to the gutter so quick?

[audience laughing]

It was the hair on my arm.

Now I want you to think back to when you were a kid,

do you remember the day you realized you could burn ants

with a magnifying glass?

Oh, what a great day that was, you got to be God.

You decided who lived, who died?

I must have burned ants for an hour, just laughing.

Then I saw one on my arm.

[audience laughs]

Let me tell you something,

you burn yourself with a magnifying glass,

you're on your own.

[audience laughing]

You can't even tell your mom

'cause they give you that look like,

[chuckles] "He is that stupid."

[audience laughing]

Remember chin up bars in elementary school?

[chuckles] Yeah, so do I.

Fourth grade, me and my buddy got decided that we would ride

our Stingray bikes through the chin-up bar,

when we got to the chin-up bar, we would grab the bar

and let our bike go and then just swing there

[audience laughing]

'cause were idiots.

One day we were on the playground, it'd been raining.

We didn't think metal got slick when it got wet.

Never had, 'cause to think that thought.

We're straddling our bikes, trying to look cool

and I look over to swings I see two little fifth grade girls

and I looked at my buddy said,

"Hey, man, older women. [chuckles]

I'll go first."

Boy, I spun that knobby tire in the mud,

I'm flying towards that chin up bar,

the banana seat's getting hot just from the wind blowing by.

I hit that bar, I grabbed it, let my bike go

and my full weight hit my hands on that wet pole.

I went [imitates whooshing].

Knocked out cold on the ground.

My friend flips out,

he goes run across the street to my house

and my mom's in bed sick with the flu.

Runs into her bedroom and screams, "Bill's dead."

[audience laughs]

Bout the time I came to,

I saw a woman in a night and panties running at me going,

[yells]

Boy, wish I had a dad.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] That's what my wife puts up with every day.

Thank God she puts up with me.

I think my wife puts up with me though 'cause I try

and I think that's all any guy can do,

just try, that's right.

[audience applauds]

'Cause we ain't never gonna get it.

'Cause as soon as we get close, you ladies change it.

It's like this memo goes out, they're getting close,

change it, change it, change it, change it.

[audience laughing]

But I try, like when I'm home,

I try to get up in the morning,

make breakfast for my family.

I mean good American breakfast, eggs, bacon,

sausage, toast, coffee.

Here's the problem,

no matter what eggs I started out to make,

they always end up scrambled.

[audience laughing]

God, I can't work that yoke.

I even bought that stupid spatula off TV.

You know the one with the forks?

Yeah, and the announcer goes,

"Even a moron can flipping the egg now."

Apparently not.

[audience laughing]

Can't have sausage anymore, not cause any health reasons,

just 'cause I saw commercials that scared me to death.

I'm watching TV one night, this commercial comes on.

This is what the announcer said, word for word.

"The eggs are from real chickens.

The milk is from real cows.

The sausage is from Jimmy Dean."

[audience laughs]

Really?

You'd think somebody would've caught that?

But I know my wife loves me.

Not too long ago, I had to get out of bed, got dressed.

She goes, "Where you going?"

I said, "Oh, I've got my yearly physical today."

She goes, "Oh, I'll go with you."

I said, "Okay.

How boring is your day?"

I wouldn't go with her to her physical, seen it. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

Yeah, not like we're gonna break any new ground there.

[audience laughing]

It's not like I'ma go, "Wow, doc, what is that?"

But she was in the room when the doctor told

me my cholesterol's getting high.

I'm like, "Good going, doc.

Hell, it would've been easier if he just told her

I was cheating on her."

[audience laughing]

Yeah, if he tells her I'm cheating on her,

I just gotta take some garbage,

now I got to eat a bunch of it.

[audience laughing]

He told me to cut out bacon,

which sucks 'cause I love pig.

So my wife trying to be helpful, go to the grocery store

and buys this stuff called soy bacon. [chuckles]

Yeah, let me tell you something.

I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.

Let's stay out of the bacon market.

They go, "Looks and tastes like real bacon."

No it doesn't.

[audience laughing]

Tastes like somebody's bacon-flavored a turd,

that's what it tastes like.

[audience laughing]

She's all worried about my stress.

She goes, "You got too much stress."

I go, "I don't have any stress."

She goes, "Bill, you almost got kicked off an airplane."

Good point.

Well, here's what happened.

I got on this airline, it was early morning flight

and they board us and I sit in my seat

and I pull out my Game Boy

and start playing it while they're still boarding.

I know God forbid, I read a newspaper or "Time" magazine.

I gotta get Scooter to level nine.

[audience laughing]

But I'm minding my own business, playing my Game Boy.

The pilot comes on and makes this announcement and he goes,

"Ladies and gentlemen,

we're gonna be a little delayed this morning.

They didn't put enough gas in the plane."

Why would make that announcement?

[audience laughing]

Make something up.

Tell me you ate a piece of bad fish and you got the runs.

Tell me something.

Don't tell me we don't got enough gas in the plane.

That's like number two on the checklist for,

it's okay to take off.

[audience laughing]

Keys, gas.

[audience laughing]

'Cause see the way the process works

in my little brain is the gas truck pulls up

next to the plane, the pilot sticks his head out window

and goes, "Fill her up."

[audience laughing]

Yeah, I get the one pilot in America, we're going to Vegas,

give me five bucks, we'll be all right.

[audience laughing]

So I know we're gonna be delayed,

nothing I can do about it,

so I keep playing my Game Boy.

Flight attendant walks by me and y'all,

I might as well been building a plutonium bomb.

She flips, she goes, "Sir, sir,

you need to shut that off right now."

I'm 48 years old, all of a sudden now I'm six.

[whimpering]

"But if I shut it off, then Scooter will die

and I'll have to go back to back to level one."

[audience laughs]

And then she said it.

She goes, "Sir, do you know where the on/off switch is?"

[audience groaning]

[chuckles] I said, "Ma'am, when I got up this morning,

I didn't want to be a jackass.

[audience laughing]

You just pushed my jackass button."

[audience laughs]

So I said, "Yeah, I know where the on/off switch is.

You know where the gas cap is?"

[audience laughing]

And you know a body cavity search isn't that bad

if you just relax,

My wife's was all worried,

she goes, "You're gonna have a stroke,

you got so much stress.

Like, I'm not gonna have a stroke.

She goes, "You need a massage."

And I go, "No, uh-uh.

I don't want a massage."

And she goes, "Why not?"

And I go, "It's weird."

Somebody you don't know rubbing on you.

Hell, it's how I ended up married.

[laughing]

I mean, it worked out, don't get me wrong.

And she goes, "Well you need one."

I go, "Well, I don't want one, baby."

And she goes, "Well, I already set you up one."

I'm like, "Why do we even have these conversations?"

So she takes me to this spa and they put me in this room

and it was weird.

There's like pillows all over the floor

and this weird Zamfir music playing

and they got water dribbling

over rocks that's supposed to relax you,

just made me have to go pee.

[audience laughing]

I finally got the nerve to walk out of there

and the door opens,

this little 25-year-old blonde girl opens the door

and she goes, "Are you Mr. Engvall?"

And I went, "No, yeah."

[audience laughs]

She goes, "I'm your masseuse."

And I go, [chuckles] "Oh, this ain't gon' be good."

[audience laughing]

I was like, "Don't you got some big fat guy

with a hairy back to do this?"

She goes, "You'll be fine."

I go, "I don't think so."

[audience laughing]

So and she goes, "Okay, go ahead and get undressed

and get on the bed."

And I go, "You mean just down to my underwear?

And she goes, "No, you need to be naked."

I went, "God,

[audience laughing]

I know you're testing me here.

You need to know I'm just a C-student, okay?"

[audience applauds]

So she's holding up the sheet and she goes,

"Okay, lay on your stomach."

And I went, "Oh, thank God."

And she starts rubbing my back, which felt great.

And then she goes,

"So what do you like to have done to you?"

And I went, "Okay, God, that's enough."

[audience laughing]

Then she starts rubbing my butt, yeah.

And all I could think about is don't fart.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, you've thought about it, haven't you?

'Cause when you're standing up and you got gas,

you can kind of clench it in.

But when somebody's rubbing your butt cheeks east and west,

[audience laughing]

yeah, you know one of those icky dog farts

is gonna sneak out.

[audience laughing]

So then she goes, "Okay, roll over on your back."

And I'm like, "Here it comes."

And I'm thinking of anything.

I'm thinking of grandma and her panties.

My dad's scratching himself with a salad fork.

[audience laughing]

So I roll over, everything's fine,

till she takes her hand in the sheet

and starts going like this.

I'm like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

what are you doing?"

She goes, "I'm gonna rub your legs."

I go, "They're fine."

She goes, "They seem kind of hard."

And I go, "You have no idea."

[audience laughs] [audience applauding]

So then she comes around the top of me

and starts rubbing my chest, which was great,

except that her boobs were like [imitates explosion].

She's like, "So you're a comedian?"

I go, "No, bobble head doll."

[audience laughing]

I walk outside, my wife's like, "How was it?"

And I go "Awful, I'm more stressed now

than I was when I went in there."

[audience laughs]

See, I relieve my stress by buying stuff.

I go to Cabela's or Bass Pro Shops, yeah.

[audience applauds]

Here's the problem, I'm an impulse buyer.

I'm like, "Ooh, look, I bought a deer feeder."

Then think, "Oh man, I gotta get it home."

And that drives my wife crazy

'cause she's very much a list shopper.

She hates it when I get on airplanes

because the airlines now have this magazine called

SkyMall Magazine.

Oh, that is my crack.

[audience laughing]

I know it's just crap, but it's crap I gotta have.

I bought a escalator for my house.

[audience laughing]

Just 'cause it conveniently fits underneath the bed.

That's how they get you.

You ever been flipping through that magazine,

not paying a bit of attention.

And all of a sudden this will catch your eye,

tired of your knees touching when you sleep?

Well, now that you mention it, yes I am.

And they sell some stupid stuff in there.

Have you seen that rubber thing you put on your shoes.

And it says, "You can aerate your own lawn."

[Bill laughs] [audience laughing]

Okay, how big of a loser are you stomping around yard,

I'm saving money.

[audience laughs]

Don't get me wrong, it works.

[audience laughing]

She got really mad at me when I bought a digital flyswatter

out of that magazine.

Well, come on, it keeps swats, hits and kills

and the best part is, you can hook it to the internet

and you could see where you rank nationally as a flyswatter.

[audience laughs]

I did see one item in that magazine that made me laugh

out loud, it's house shoes with headlights.

[audience laughs]

I couldn't believe it either, house shoes with headlights.

My first thought was, "Who buys these?"

Then the other night I was walking to the bathroom,

I stub my toe on the bed, you know what I got now?

[audience laughing]

House shoes with headlights, baby.

[audience applauding]

They are awesome.

The other night I took the trash out,

my high beams hit a deer, he just stood there.

[audience laughing]

Sometimes and I like to beat my wife to bed.

I'll just lay naked on the bed, in a dark room,

except for my houses with headlights on.

[audience laughing]

So it's like a movie premiere,

it's like, "Hey, hey, hey,

coming to a theater near you, 'King Kong'."

She goes, "Put on your underwear,

it's more like 'Smallville'."

[audience laughing]

Yeah, she gets on me about my shopping

yet she ordered us a catalog that's just stuff for our dogs.

42 pages dog stuff.

She bought a dog feeding dish that's this high

off the ground.

I said, "Why'd you buy that?"

And she goes, "So he don't have to bend his neck to eat."

I just saw him licking his own ass.

[audience laughs]

Excuse me for thinking he's limber enough to eat.

[audience laughing]

She goes, "Well, it helps with his digestion."

I go, "His digestion's just fine.

I pick it out of the backyard every morning."

God, she loves them dogs, boy.

I love them too, but they're just dogs, all right.

We had to take our dogs to be boarded recently.

I don't know if you've had to do this,

but it's like checking them into a spa.

I walk our dogs and little girl behind the counter goes,

"Hi, just a few questions.

What are your dogs like to sleep on, linen or wool?"

[audience laughing]

"Concrete's good."

"Well, what kind of water do they like?"

"Clear, put it in a toilet, they'll freak."

[audience laughing]

And then she actually asked me this, she goes,

"Would you like to purchase a toothbrush for your dog

for the weekend?"

"Tell you what, you teach him to hold it,

I'll buy the toothbrush."

[audience laughs]

So we got four dogs.

We got two Wiener dogs, those are her dogs.

Yeah, they're cute till they have to go to the vet,

then it's like a billion dollars.

I took her two Wiener dogs to our vet, our idiot vet goes,

"That dog's gonna have back problems."

I'm like, "No kidding.

He's got a eight foot back and two inch legs.

Hell, I could've figured that out."

[audience laughing]

Here's another one, Doc Obvious,

"That's a boy dog and he's about a quarter inch

from dragging this transmission on the sidewalk."

[audience laughing]

He goes, "You need to talk to that dog

and tell him not to jump off the bed.

I was like,

"All right,

as soon as we get home,

me and that dog have a little sit down."

[audience laughing]

Then we got my dog, Duke, he's a Basset hound,

he's the perfect dog, he, yeah, he eats his own turds.

[audience laughs]

Perfect dog right there.

Goes outside the poop, cleans it up.

[audience laughing]

You can't teach that, that's just a gift.

Best part about it, my wife doesn't know he does it.

[audience laughing]

She loves to let that dog lick her in the face.

[audience laughs]

Right there, that's why my wife

and I have never had an argument.

She starts getting on my back and all I say is,

"Duke, mamma wants some loving."

[audience laughing]

I took Duke to the vet

and told the vet that Duke eats his own turds.

I said, isn't that kind of weird?

And he goes, "No, a lot of dogs it."

He said, "Here, just sprinkle this stuff on his food

and it'll make him stop."

And I said, "What's it do?"

And he goes, "It makes his turds taste bad."

[audience laughs]

I'm sorry, doc.

I'm a little slow here.

Did you just say the phrase,

"It'll make his turds taste bad?"

Hey, if you've sunk to eating turds,

you've never uttered the phrase phrase,

oh my God, this is nasty.

[audience laughing]

We got a German shepherd we found on the side of the road.

She's psycho,

now I know why she was on the side of the road.

Nothing's free.

[audience laughing]

But I love that dog, that dog saved my heinie one night.

One night my wife and I are sound asleep in bed.

Her dog's trying to jump up on the bed

after I just talked to it.

[audience laughing]

So I just grabbed the little Wiener dog,

flung him out in the backyard.

Well, about 5:30 that morning,

I heard this squealing and screaming come

out of the backyard.

Good God, I hopped out of bed in my underwear,

put on my headlight house shoes.

[audience laughs]

Ran out in the backyard and a coyote had jumped a fence.

Yes, it had my wife's Wiener dog pinned down on the ground.

I'm like, "Oh, hell.

I appreciate what you're doing.

[Bill laughing]

Could've done it little quieter, couldn't you?"

Bout that time I felt this [imitating wind whooshing]

by my leg.

That German shepherd ran out in that backyard,

hit that coyote broadside, that coyote did three flips

and jumped the fence.

I looked at that German shepherd and said,

"Come on, you're sleeping in the bed."

[audience laughs]

Funny thing was for about two weeks after that,

my wife and I'd be sitting at the breakfast table,

having coffee.

We'd look out in the street and there'd be two or three

coyotes sitting in our street, looking in our backyard.

And you know, the conversation went like this.

"What?

No, no hell no, don't go in there.

That little dog's a setup.

[audience laughing]

I ain't lying.

Ask Joe what happened to him?

Hell, he won't eat nothing but soy bacon.

[Bill laughing] [audience laughing]

God bless you, Washington, I appreciate it.

[audience applauding] [crowd cheering]

Y'all ready to keep this party rollin'?

[crowd cheering]

Please bring out my good friend, Mr. Ron White!

[crowd cheering] [audience applauding]

[crowd cheering]

- Bill Engvall.

Thank you so much for coming out tonight.

[crowd cheering]

[man shouting]

No, you can't, sir.

Stop begging for booze.

[audience laughing]

My wife and I took a tour bus into town,

and my wife had never been to Washington DC before.

And we were crossing the Potomac

and she said, "What's that building?"

And I said, "Well, it was a Hooters

during the Clinton administration,

[audience laughing]

Then they turned it back into the Lincoln Memorial

and now it's a Cracker Barrel, so welcome."

[audience laughing]

I almost got ran over today

by a mobile paper-shredding unit.

I'm in Georgetown.

They got them on every street,

these gigantic evidence getter-ridder-of-ers.

[audience laughing]

Can you call them up

if you got a body you don't need around?

[audience laughing]

My wife had been in Europe for three weeks,

and she left two days after Valentine's day.

And for Valentine's Day,

I was going to take her to see "Brokeback Mountain,"

and it was sold out,

so we're going to go see it tomorrow.

And Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal

are both amazing actors.

And if you've seen the movie, don't ruin it for me.

I don't want to know which one plays the sheep.

[audience laughing]

In fact, I'm actually writing a movie right now

about my recent bout with erectile dysfunction,

called "Broke Dick Fountain."

[audience laughing]

Getting ready to film this movie,

everybody's like, "You gotta go on a diet, man.

You gotta lose some weight.

You got to be better.

You gotta be thinner.

You gotta look better."

And I'm like, "Look better?

I'm 50 years old,

I've been drinking like a fish for 30 years.

What do you want?"

[crowd cheering]

Been on this diet, man.

I'm getting dieting tips from skinny people.

My mother weighs 80 pounds.

Here's her tip.

"Drink a lot of water.

You'll be less hungry."

You know what happens if you drink a lot of water?

You're less thirsty.

[audience laughing]

Just as I suspected would be the case.

[audience laughing]

I still look okay sometimes,

'cause I wear really expensive suits,

and if you drape $5,000 worth of clothes

over a pile of crap, it looks all right.

[audience laughing]

Look bad naked though.

[audience laughing]

Ain't no hiding that, is there?

The only person that knows

what I look like naked right now,

which is the worst I've ever looked, is my wife.

And she has to have sex with me.

And she makes me wear the suit.

[audience laughing]

I cut a little hole right here.

I come in low under the radar.

[audience laughing]

Washington DC,

I guess the Department of Homeland Security

is here in Washington, DC, is that true?

One of the most useless organizations on the planet.

[crowd cheering]

They came up with a,

now, I really didn't even have an opinion about that

and I don't care if you do.

But my mother called me one time, and she was scared

because the heightened state of awareness

went from yellow to orange,

and she said, "Son, I don't know what to do."

And I'm like, "Mama, nobody knows what to do."

Does anybody in this room know what to do different

when the heightened state of awareness

goes from yellow to orange?

No, you do not.

Because it is useless.

It means nothing!

Nobody knows what to do different

if it changes from one to the other.

Yeah, now I get it,

that's a heightened state of awareness.

If I'm on, in line to get on a plane,

and the guy in front of me

needs two loads of phlegm to pronounce his name,

I'm checking his shoes for fuses.

[audience laughing]

And I don't care who knows it, either.

I'm, and it's not being racist, it's profiling.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

I went on the computer and I found out

there are five heightened states of awareness.

I'd only heard two, yellow and orange.

Turns out there's five.

Blue, green, yellow, orange, red.

Apparently, when the heightened state of awareness is blue,

you don't even need sunscreen.

[audience laughing]

You could walk outside naked.

My wife said, "Well, why don't you

come up with a better system?"

"All right, give me 10 minutes."

[audience laughing]

Here's the Ron White Heightened State of Awareness System.

It's only got two heightened states of awareness.

"Go find a helmet.

Put on the damn helmet."

[audience laughing]

That way I can answer my mother's questions.

"Ron, it's Put on a Damn Helmet Day,

what do we do?"

"Put on the damn helmet, Mother."

"Thank you, Son, we're so proud."

[audience laughing]

My wife usually travels with me and we kind of hop

from Indian reservation to Indian reservation

doing these casinos,

and last fall, we were doing a run across Florida,

and this is how well my mother hears

at 70 years old.

She calls me.

She asks, asks me where I'm at

and we're at the Hard Rock Casino

in Hollywood, Florida,

on the Seminole reservation.

And she asks me where I'm at.

I hear my dad

in the background go, "What'd he say?"

And she goes, "He said in Hollywood,

you need reservations to get a cinnamon roll."

[audience laughing]

That's close enough, Mom.

I lost my ass at that casino.

Usually I do okay gambling

'cause I'm just a straight blackjack player.

Right, but I started watching

these Texas Hold'em tournaments on TV.

And the only thing that's dangerous about that

is, after a while, you start to think

you can play that game for real.

[audience laughing]

But you sit down in one of those big poker rooms,

you find out really quick

that they don't let you see everybody else's cards.

[audience laughing]

I'm sitting there going,

"How am I supposed to know how much to bet?"

[audience laughing]

Where's that little odds thing

that tells me how I'm doing?

I got a question."

[audience laughing]

Our second stop on that tour was Fort Myers, Florida.

And my wife and I wanted to go

to Sanibel and Captiva Islands,

which is basically Margaritaville.

You know, that's where Jimmy Buffett

lived when he wrote those songs,

and very pretty, very romantic place.

And the only way to get to Sanibel Island

is to cross a little rickety bridge.

I mean, a bridge,

I've never seen such a rickety bridge in my life.

Just a rickety bridge.

And the toll to cross this little rickety bridge is $6,

to cross a little rickety freaking bridge.

You know, and I,

I expected there to be a troll and some billy goats.

[audience laughing]

Six bucks to cross a little bridge.

And I, you know, and I make a lot of money, folks.

Not doing this.

I sell shrimp out of a van.

[audience laughing]

And the bridge is such a piece of crap

that the speed limit on it is five miles an hour,

and I got a ticket.

[audience laughing]

This cop says, "You have any idea how fast you were goin'?"

I was like, "I don't know, eight, nine.

I don't know.

My foot slipped off the brake.

"I clocked you doing over 11 mile an hour.

Over twice the legal speed limit."

[audience laughing]

"Take me to jail.

I'm beggin' you.

I'll make a million dollars telling this story

if you'll take me to jail for going 11 miles an hour."

[audience applauding]

Then you get to the place

where you pay your toll, folks.

And there's a little sign.

You can go there, still there today, there's a little sign,

right before you get to the tollbooth,

and it says, "No coins or cash."

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "What do they want you to give them,

a hand job?"

[audience laughing]

"I've never been good with my left hand.

Honey, if you just sit in the back seat.

Sir, if you just walk right around there,

sit down right there."

[audience laughing]

Whenever we're in that part of the country,

we stay at the Don CeSar Hotel.

And my wife and I travel

on a big tour bus with three dogs.

We have two Scottish terriers

because if you drink enough Johnnie Walker products,

eventually, they just send you the dogs.

[audience laughing]

We have 240 head of Scottie

on a little ranch up in Wyoming.

[audience laughing]

We got these little monkeys with cowboy hats and vests

riding Shetland ponies.

They got little toy guns.

One of them is the sheriff.

Cutest thing you ever saw.

[audience laughing]

Actually, we have two Scottish terriers

and their names are Birdie and Bogey.

And somebody the other day said,

"Oh, that's cute.

They're named after your golf game."

And I was like, "No, if they were named after my golf game

they'd be Double Bogey

and Where the hell is that ball going?"

[audience laughing]

Which is kind of a long name for a pet, you know?

And then Sluggo, he's my bulldog, and-

[crowd cheering]

It's apparently talk-about-your-pet night

here at the Warner.

Sluggo was in the backyard the other day,

and I was picking up dog turds

'cause I couldn't get Bill's dog to come over.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

"Come on, let Duke spend the night."

[audience laughing]

"No, he'll come home full."

[audience laughing]

So I'm picking up dog turds.

And while I'm picking them up,

I realize seven people work for me full-time.

And as I'm picking up these dog turds,

I'm re-evaluating everybody's position

with Ron White Inc.

in my head,

so that next week I will not be the dog turd picker-upper.

[audience laughing]

I haven't decided who it's going to be yet.

It's either going to be my pool boy

or my tax attorney.

[audience laughing]

And I'm leaning towards the tax attorney.

[audience laughing]

But I'm picking up these dog turds,

and I see one that is huge.

And it's massive even by Sluggo's standards,

which are legendary.

And I'm staring at this turd.

I'm admiring it, really.

And after a while, I started to think

it says something on the side of it.

[audience laughing]

I run in the house and I get my glasses

'cause I can't read shit without my glasses.

[audience laughing]

And it does.

It says, "Midland Park Golf Course."

Sluggo had eaten and shat whole

a golf glove, Velcro and all.

[audience laughing]

I rinsed it off and I've been using it for three weeks.

[audience laughing]

But my wife and I, we look for pet-friendly hotels

when we're out, because we travel with this menagerie.

And there is no more pet-friendly hotel

on the planet than the Don CeSar.

They're, like, over-the-top pet-friendly.

They have a pet concierge that comes to your room

to tell you about the services they offer your pets

while you stay at the Don CeSar Hotel,

and I sold a lot of shrimp last year,

so I'm like, "All right, let's hear it.

What do you got?"

[audience laughing]

And the guy goes, "We offer your dogs a massage

because we would like for your dogs to be

as relaxed as you are

during their stay at the Don CeSar Hotel."

I'm like, "All right,

but I'm going to tell you right now,

that fat one right over there,

he's gonna want a happy ending."

[audience laughing]

They have aromatherapy for your pets.

I'm like, "What are you gonna make it smell like?

Ass?

That's what he likes.

Do you have an ass candle back there?

Give him a hand job and light an ass candle

and see if that's not the most relaxed dog

at the Don CeSar Hotel."

He'll sleep on that cushion for nine hours.

I know this animal.

Hey, uh,

do you think it's weird that at 49 years old

one of my testicles is just a little bit bigger than,

than the other two?

[audience laughing]

Last, In fact, three weeks ago, I did a run that was,

I live in Atlanta and

I did "The Tonight Show" on Wednesday night,

and then I did Billings on Thursday,

and my manager sold it to me

on sort of, "It's a good routing."

You know, part of that Atlanta-LA-Billings run

that encompasses the entire United States.

And on Friday night,

I was in Anchorage, Alaska,

which is real handy

and someplace you really want to see in February

if you get a chance.

And then on Saturday night, I'm in Fairbanks, Alaska,

and my manager's prediction

that there wouldn't be a lot of snow

in Fairbanks in February

was off by about seven and a half freakin' feet.

[audience laughing]

The most boring town I've ever been to in my life.

Sorry if you're from there.

It is a borehole.

And I was stranded there for three days.

Count them, one, tick.

[audience laughing]

Tock.

[audience laughing]

Tick.

[audience laughing]

Stranded there with the Eskimo people.

Not a great-looking group of folks.

[audience laughing]

And I mentioned that onstage and they got pissed off.

And I didn't see why they got so mad.

I didn't insinuate that they had no character.

I mentioned that they weren't attractive.

I thought they knew.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Apparently, I let some big cat out of the bag.

Have you seen their teeth?

They could make keys.

[audience laughing]

You don't have to be in Fairbanks very long

before you figure out

what that nose-rubbing deal is all about.

[audience laughing]

"I'm good."

Anyway, I got this scathing letter

from the head Eskimo,

Frosty, or whatever his name was and,

[audience laughing]

halfway through the letter, he said he would have me know

that the Inuit tribe is

one of the purest races on the planet.

And I'm like, "That's kind of what I'm talkin' about."

[audience laughing]

Nobody will have sex with these people.

[audience laughing]

And then later in the letter,

it said there are less Inuits every year,

which I guess means it's getting to where

they won't even have sex with each other.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Somebody suggested that I watch a movie

on the way to Alaska, and I did.

It was called "Grizzly Man."

And you could go rent this film or buy it.

It's worth the watch.

It's very entertaining.

This guy, a ne'er-do-well out-of-work actor

tries to reinvent himself as a filmmaker,

and he moves into grizzly country in Alaska,

and shoots this amazing footage,

which was later compiled by Werner Herzog,

and made into this movie.

But, like, halfway through the movie, he snaps

and believes he has become at one with the grizzly bears.

And not only do grizzly bears, he says in this film,

have the capacity for intellect,

they have the capacity for sympathy.

And then one of them eats him.

[audience laughing]

Funniest film I've ever seen in my life.

[audience laughing]

I laughed till I thought I was gonna throw up.

[audience laughing]

The bear ate him.

That's rich.

[audience laughing]

And I just thought it would be funny

if at any point in this guy's life,

his father, like my father, ever said,

"You're never gonna be shit."

[audience laughing]

"Well, you're wrong, Papa.

Tomorrow morning

when this bear pushes me through his bowels,

I'm going to become a steaming pile of bear shit.

I hope you're proud, Daddy.

You have no idea what I've been through

to make your dreams come true.

I had to be digested.

Do you know what that's like, Daddy?

I suppose you don't."

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

I get chastised publicly and in the media

for my position on the death penalty,

and they don't even know the half of it

because in the Moussaoui case,

I'd want to be the guy that set the execution date,

and I'd set it for one a.m.,

the day they set clocks forward.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

Just so I could walk in there and go,

"Well, looks like you got about another hour, Moussaoui.

Nope, spring forward, asshole."

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

And there is one piece of legislation

floating around right now

that I endorse publicly and with all my heart

and I hope you do, too.

I believe if you're

a convicted sex offender in this country,

when you get out of prison,

you should have to put a sign in your yard or on your door

that says you're a convicted sex offender,

'cause I don't care about your rights anymore.

[audience cheering]

And I'd also like to know

where to get one of those signs,

'cause I'd like to keep some kids out of my yard.

[audience laughing]

Thanks for playin' along.

I hope you enjoyed it.

You guys were fantastic.

Thank you.

[crowd cheering] [audience applauding]

Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it gives me great pride to welcome to the stage,

the best comedian that ever lived,

Jeff Foxworthy.

[crowd cheering] [audience applauding]

- Ron White, everybody!

[crowd cheering]

I got to tell,

I really appreciate Ron for being a part of this.

He had to leave a New Year's Eve party

to be here tonight.

[audience laughing]

I'm not saying Ron drinks,

but I hugged him and my vision is blurry.

[audience laughing]

Speaking of blurry vision,

I got to point this out.

I saw a billboard here in Washington DC

advertising for the vision correction surgery.

The billboard claimed that

they have the cheapest LASIK in town.

And I'm thinking,

"If you're gonna be operating on my eyeballs

with a laser beam,

I don't want the cheapest in town."

I want somebody that takes a little pride in their work.

I don't want to be walking around

hanging on to a German shepherd by a harness, braggin',

"I just saved a bundle on my LASIK surgery."

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

And if they decided to go with "cheapest in town,"

what slogan did they pass up?

"Hey, some of our patients

actually kind of see a little bit better."

[audience laughing]

"If it doesn't work,

think of the money you'll save on light bulbs."

[audience laughing]

I mean, I like savin' money.

I just don't think

medical procedures are where you want to do it.

I don't want the cheapest vasectomy in town.

[audience laughing]

Climbing into a truck behind a convenience store

and the guy going, "You got the 20 bucks?"

All right, listen, bite down on this rag

so you don't scream.

I can't have the neighbors calling the police again."

[audience laughing]

A couple of slogans with a vasectomy

I wouldn't want to hear,

like, "Half off."

[audience laughing]

"Buy one, get one free."

[audience laughing]

I don't even know how that would work.

"Everything must go!"

No, most of it better be staying, Rufus.

I am thrilled to be here tonight at the-

[audience cheering]

Thank you.

Last year we did the Blue Collar TV thing,

last year.

And then at the end of the year,

I had written a book called

"The Redneck Dictionary."

It was words you thought

you knew the meaning of, all right.

[audience applauding]

Some people have that fine piece of literature

on the back of their toilet, I see.

But it had words in it like, uh, "asinine."

I'll give her face a two and her "asinine."

[audience laughing]

Or "wisdom."

My brother had two kidney stones

but he "wisdom" both out.

[audience laughing]

Or "letter carrier."

If she's going to pack all that stuff,

I say, hell, "letter carrier" own luggage.

[audience laughing]

But anyway, because of the book,

I was doing a lot of book signings.

And one of the last ones I did,

I did a five-hour book signing

at a Wal-Mart one Saturday afternoon,

and during that five hours, I had a revelation.

And that is,

there's not a whole lot of supermodels

shopping at Wal-Mart.

[audience laughing]

It's pretty much just us rednecks.

[audience laughing]

You know, and we don't wear stuff

'cause some magazine says it's the latest style.

We wear stuff 'cause it's comfortable,

and if you can't look at it and keep your lunch down,

that's your problem.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

But as kind of a spokesman

for this portion of the population,

I got to thinking, you know, it has reached the point

where we do need a few redneck fashion tips.

And I know a lot of you are sitting out there

and you're like, "Jeff, I don't know

when it comes to fashion,

if I'm a supermodel or a redneck."

So I came up with a few ways to help you tell.

[audience laughing]

If the most expensive thing you ever bought at the mall

came from the food court,

you might want to pay attention.

[audience laughing]

If your bra is a darker color than your shirt,

you might want to pay attention.

If your wife has ever dusted the furniture

with your best pair of underwear,

[audience laughing]

you might want to pay attention.

If people can see your butt crack 24/7,

[audience laughing]

you might want to listen up.

If you've mastered the art of puttin' on makeup

with your non-smokin' hand

[audience laughing]

while drivin' with your knee,

[audience laughing]

you might want to pay attention.

And if your thighs

stop moving 30 seconds after you do,

[audience laughing]

some of this might be aimed at you.

All right, here we go.

Redneck fashion tip number one.

Certain things should not be sold in certain sizes.

If your rear end looks like two full-grown raccoons

wrestling in a 50-pound bag of feed corn,

say no to spandex!

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

Tight ain't always right.

And the only place dimples are cute are on your face.

This woman came up to me at the book signing.

She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life.

And you've seen these kind of people.

There're like from the waist up,

they're built kind of normally.

And then from the waist down,

it's like an explosion took place.

You know, just, just huge.

I mean, from a distance,

she looked like a poodle riding a Hippity Hop.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

And there's no telling how big her butt really was

'cause she had it packed in these jeans.

I mean, it was crammed in there.

I could hear the zipper cryin'.

[audience laughing]

You got the feeling some night

some guy was gonna get her home,

get that top button unbuttoned,

and that thing was gonna come flying out of there

like a Navy life raft, you know.

[audience laughing]

But the thing that was intriguing about it

was she had this attitude

like she was the hottest thing on the planet.

And I love big girls that think they're sexy.

'Cause I think guys look at them

kind of like we do those rodeo bulls.

You know, we're like, "I bet I could ride it,

[audience laughing]

but I'd probably get hurt."

[audience laughing]

So anyway, I signed her books for her,

and when she went to walk away,

she wasn't just walking.

She was struttin'.

I mean, you know, like popping it.

And I'm watching her 'cause I'm scared

she's gonna knock over some little kids or something.

And my brother leaned over and tapped me on the arm.

He said, "That looks like two blue Volkswagens

trying to pass each other on a gravel road."

[audience laughing]

Certain things should not be sold in certain sizes.

If your stomach blocks your view of your shoes,

cover it up!

[audience applauding]

The only people that should be wearing belly shirts

are the people that don't have bellies.

And there's no shame,

no shame in having a spare tire.

Just keep it in the trunk

so other people don't have to look at it.

[audience laughing] [audience clapping]

And, you know, those little baby spare tires

are kind of cute.

Tractor tires aren't.

Especially when they have hair on 'em.

[audience laughing]

Certain things should not be sold in certain sizes.

And this goes to a lot of dads and uncles out here.

Your shorts are supposed to be longer than your underwear.

[audience laughing]

Especially if you wear tighty whities.

[audience laughing]

Nobody wants to be at the family picnic

and look over at Uncle Fred sitting in a lawn chair

and see anything that looks like a baby bird.

[audience laughing]

And talking about shorts,

I gotta comment on those little cotton shorts

that have the words printed on the back of 'em.

First of all, guys,

if you can't read without movin' your lips,

do not stare at these shorts

in front of your wife or girlfriend.

And for God sakes, don't pretend

you've had the cheap LASIK surgery

and you can only read by using Braille, you know?

[audience laughing]

But these shorts bring up my second fashion rule,

and that is there has got to be an age limit

on certain articles of clothing.

[audience applauding]

Got to be.

And with these little cotton shorts

with the words on 'em,

I think the age limit is what?

15?

16?

All I'm saying is that

if the veins in the back of your legs

look like the street map of Greater Pittsburgh,

you ain't nobody's baby doll.

[audience laughing]

If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota van

after a hailstorm,

you're not Juicy.

[audience laughing]

You might be a terrific grandmother,

you're not Juicy.

And this age-limit rule

also applies to low-cut tops on women.

And you know what I'm talking about,

these women that insist on showing their cleavage

30 years after anybody wants to see it.

[audience laughing]

And they're always well-endowed.

I mean real well-endowed.

They are the kind of women, if they go to hug you,

and you're not chewing gum, your ears are going to pop.

[audience laughing]

But that cleavage line's like three feet long,

and it's got these little wrinkles coming off of it.

Looks like you're looking down into the Grand Canyon

out an airplane window.

[audience laughing]

And what is it?

There's some women, the older they get,

just, the less modest they are.

And everybody's done this,

where you're sitting there in the morning

having a cup of coffee with Granny.

And she's not wearing anything,

but a paper-thin nightgown and a smile.

[audience laughing]

Then she'll bend down

to pick up something out of the floor,

and suddenly you're staring at something

that looks like those long balloons

four days after the birthday party.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

And they ain't floating up to the ceiling,

they are on the floor.

Hell, you could step on them and they wouldn't pop.

[audience laughing]

Fashion rule number three.

Tattoos are not for everybody.

[audience applauding]

When I was a kid,

the only people that had tattoos

were old guys that had been in the Navy.

You know, and theirs were kind of blurry.

In fact, you couldn't even tell what they were.

You were staring at it, going,

"Well, it's either a naked woman or Willie Nelson

using post-hole diggers."

But it was the old Navy guys and, and Hells Angels.

But they had the scary tattoos.

You know, like on their knuckles,

like "love" and "hate."

My cousin had that,

and then one summer he got a job in the carnival,

and he got his pinkie chopped off.

Now his hands say, "Love hat."

Ooh, that's intimidating.

[audience laughing]

And I don't have anything against tattoos.

I don't have one, myself.

If I did,

it would be right there next to my watch,

it would say, "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd,

your anniversary is September 18,

don't let Ron White drive your car again," you know.

[audience applauding]

All I'm saying with tattoos is you have to plan ahead

just a little bit.

You know, because I think a lot of tattoos are cool

when you're young and your skin is taut.

But as you get older, that skin's gonna start sagging.

You know, ladies, like that, that little hummingbird.

It's real cute when you're 20.

But that bird is going to fly south for the winter.

[audience laughing]

And 20 years down the road,

you don't want your grandkids crying,

going, "I don't want to stay with Grandma,

she's got a buzzard on her back!"

[audience laughing]

'Cause when that skin starts sagging,

suddenly that dolphin is a beluga whale.

And that rose is Rosie O'Donnell

with a mouthful of leaves.

[audience laughing]

And something else to think about.

You know it's going to be real hard

for your kids to take you seriously when you tell them,

"Say no to drugs," and you got

a pot plant tattooed to your neck.

[audience laughing]

Fashion rule number four.

If you've given birth more than five times,

a tank top is not an acceptable substitute for a bra.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

There was this lady at the book signing,

and I don't know what had happened to her

to cause this particular breast configuration,

but she had one under each arm.

She looked like a watermelon delivery boy.

[audience laughing]

Tank tops aren't good on anybody,

especially those low-cut ones.

You know, if your skin is the color of Cool Whip

and you have a mole that looks like an oatmeal pie,

let that be your little secret.

[audience laughing]

Guys, if you have back titties,

[audience laughing]

I didn't know if you would know

what I was talking about there.

The kind of guys that are walking through the mall

and nursing babies are going, "Num-num, num-num."

[audience laughing]

Also, if your back's so hairy,

you've been shot more than twice with a tranquilizer gun,

say yes to sleeves.

[audience laughing]

I hope Larry is listening to some of this.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

[man whistling]

Fashion rule number five.

It is okay to wear a T-shirt with nothing written on it.

I don't know what it is about rednecks.

We never have to write a resume,

because you can learn everything you want to know about us

by reading our clothes.

You give me a redneck man's T-shirt drawer,

I can tell you what kind of truck he drives,

what radio station he listens to,

who he roots for in NASCAR,

what he likes to hunt,

who his favorite college football team is,

his philosophy on life,

and where he went on vacation the last 21 summers.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

And you give me his windbreaker,

I'll tell you what kind of cigarettes he smokes.

[audience laughing]

Also, with T-shirts, guys,

if you weigh more than 400 pounds,

it's not okay to wear a T-shirt that says, "No Fat Chicks."

[audience laughing]

You ought to be wearing one that says,

"I whipped anorexia's ass."

[audience laughing]

And do not wear an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt

if you're by yourself.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

And if you do, well, I'd say that's right.

[audience laughing]

Fashion rule number six.

God invented closed-toed shoes for a reason.

Why is it the people with the nastiest feet

always wear flip-flops?

[audience laughing]

You know what I'm talking about?

If you have so many corns you have to put up a scarecrow,

say no to the flip-flop.

If your toenails are so long

you can swoop down on a lake and catch a trout,

[audience laughing]

say no to the flip-flop.

If you have a toenail that's three different colors

and none of them are nail polish,

[audience laughing]

say no to the flip-flop.

My next fashion rule, and this is

for some of you younger folks out there,

if your mother still drives you to school,

you ain't no gangster, pull your pants up.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

The back pockets of your pants

should not be behind your knees.

And I don't know why I have to look at the underwear

of every teenage boy in America.

You know, when I was in school,

if other people could see your underwear,

it was because two bullies

had cornered you on the playground

and they'd yanked it up to your neck.

Which is why as adults, most men

won't even consider wearing a thong

'cause those are memories we're trying to repress, you know.

And my last fashion rule.

Husbands and wives should never dress alike,

unless you're going to a Garth Brooks concert

or a Halloween party.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

I have only dressed like my wife one time

in our 20-year marriage,

and it was the biggest mistake I'd ever made.

You cannot describe this little adventure

without the word "cluster" in it.

[audience laughing]

She wanted to go hunting with me to see what it

was all about,

so I got her a camouflaged outfit, and she never shut up.

She never shut up the entire time.

We're walking through the woods

and she's like, "It is so dirty out here.

I cannot believe leaves and sticks are everywhere.

Can you believe how dirty it is?

Nobody ever cleans this up?

[audience laughing]

Oh, God, look at that.

I got mud on my new boots.

Oh, I hope that comes out.

I love these little boots.

You know, they were originally $129,

but I got them for $59.95.

You wanna know why?

They're last year's boots.

I don't think anybody'll know.

Do you?

Oh, God, there's a bug on my pants.

Get him off, get him off.

Get him off.

Well, don't kill him, he's just a little bug.

He's probably looking for his bug family.

Here, hold my binoculars,

'cause I gotta straighten my hat up.

Are my bangs even?

Are they really even or are you just saying that?

Are they even?

Does this coat make me look too fat?

I don't like this coat.

I liked it when I first put it on,

but now I think it makes my hips look fat.

Don't you think so?

Where are all the deer?

You said there were going to be deer out here.

I don't see one single deer.

Is this going to take a long time?

How come you're putting your gun in your mouth?"

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

You guys have been great.

God bless you, thank you for this.

[crowd cheering]

You guys are awesome.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

All right, y'all, keep it going for

one of my dearest friends in the world

and the next president of the United States,

Larry, the Cable Guy!

[crowd cheering] [audience applauding]

- All right.

There goes Jeff.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you, I had to get my underwear out of my crack.

All right.

Git-R-Done.

[crowd cheering]

Thank you.

That's right, that's all I do.

I come out and I go,

"Git-R-Done.

That's $100.

Get the hell out of here."

All right, yeah, excuse me.

[audience laughing]

Well, thank you so much.

Good to see you.

I didn't think I was gonna make it here.

I was in Pennsylvania

doing a thing for the Playboy Channel down there.

I was filming "Amish Girls Gone Wild"

down there for the Playboy Channel show.

[audience laughing]

It's kind of tough to get their bonnets off,

but once we did, they warmed up pretty good.

I'll tell you.

That's right.

"Yeah, churn that butter, honey, churn that butter.

Oh, that's good right there."

I'm kind of irritated, though, we was driving back

in the car

and had a accident.

I'm gonna sue Geico Insurance.

We had a accident and they sent out an actual lizard

to handle the claim, for God's sake.

[audience laughing]

What in the world?

I was madder than a Keebler Elf

getting demoted to fudge packer.

I tell you what, I couldn't believe.

[audience laughing]

That's upset there.

That's upset right there.

That's right.

I like to travel.

I was up in Canada,

up there at the Calgary Stampede.

I like the rodeo.

I tell you, I wish I could do that,

but I'm too out of shape for that.

But my sister did it for a long time, and,

she did.

She was good.

They ended up retiring her.

Nobody could stay on her for eight years.

I tell you what, she was,

she was mean.

She was mean.

I'll tell you, the cowboys called her

a mother bucker for many years.

I'll tell you, she was, she was a mean one.

But I'm going to tell you what.

This is such a thrill to do this.

And I'm gonna tell you something, though,

this ain't all roses up here.

I got some women trying to get money from me right now.

They threatening to release these sex tapes

I made with them about 17 years ago,

and it just really upsets you, you know?

You finally make a little money

and then you got relatives coming out of the woodwork.

You know what I mean, don't you?

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

Pissed me off.

Tell you what, though.

I'm trying to get in shape a little bit.

I put on 22 pounds over the holidays,

and I guess that's a lot for Arbor Day, I guess.

I ain't sure, but,

trying to lose a little bit of weight, though.

My Japanese neighbor's starting to call me "Gutzilla."

So I got to do something with that.

But I blame a lot of that on the holidays and stuff,

and I always try to make my New Year's resolutions

to not gain weight, but I didn't do that this year.

I made two different ones, and I've kept them so far.

Well, one.

I ate a booger yesterday.

All right, I didn't do that one, but I couldn't help it.

It was dry air and it was a good one, too.

You know what I mean?

Well, you can't help it.

You don't want to but you're like, "Oh, oh, what the hell?"

You know.

[audience laughing]

But I said I was going to eat more and get fat.

And I have done that.

So that's a good thing.

But you know what irritates me?

Did you ever read the label on your Butterball turkey

over the holidays?

Anybody speak English at all,

or am I way off on the turkey deal?

You don't eat turkey?

My turkey said, "Sweet, young, and juicy"

right on the daggum label.

That ain't right.

I had my pants unsnapped before we ate the meal this year.

I'll tell you that much.

[audience laughing]

That's right.

But I do like food.

I'll tell you what, I enjoy it.

The Waffle House.

That's one of my favorite places right there.

I like the Waffle House.

[audience cheering]

Smothered and covered, by God.

You're a Communist if you don't eat it

smothered and covered.

But don't eat it too late, 'cause you'll eat it

smothered and covered

and it'll come out scattered and splattered,

I guaran-damn-tee.

It ain't funny.

Good Lord, I could have bent over

and pooped through a keyhole in there.

It was ridiculous.

I was madder than a one-legged waitress

working at the IHOP, I tell you what.

"Here's your pancakes."

[audience laughing]

But it's good to be in old DC.

I used to date a gal from here

a few years ago, and, I did.

We ended up breaking up.

It was mutual.

Her and her husband told me to get the hell out, so I did.

[audience laughing]

Dated another gal a few years ago, and she scared me.

She come up to me one morning.

She said, "Well, pretty soon

you're gonna hear the pitter-patter

of little feet around the house."

I'm like, "Oh, Lord, she's pregnant."

She ended up leaving me for a midget.

[audience laughing]

I used to date a little midget girl

as a matter of fact, about that tall.

Good Lord, I loved her.

I was nuts over her.

I tell you, I was.

I loved her.

[audience laughing]

That's right.

We didn't date too long.

No, she irritated me.

She kept sticking her nose in my business.

You know what I mean?

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

Let's see, but I did, I got married about seven months ago.

- [Man] Yeah.

- And, oh, don't, hey, don't clap.

We're already having trouble.

And apparently you can't talk dirty to your wife's sister

on the telephone, I guess.

[audience laughing]

Didn't really read the rulebook on all that.

But I love her, though.

You can tell when you in love.

I didn't think I ever could, but God bless her.

She's the only girl I ever made love to

with my pants completely off.

I'll tell you, there's a,

there was a connection there from the beginning.

I'll tell you what's really cool about her,

she looks like my favorite country singer.

That's a turn-on right there.

You see your singer on TV and then you married somebody

that look like,

I mean, we was walking down the street the other day.

I was so daggum proud,

people was like, "Look, there's Travis Tritt!

Look at that, right there, it's Travis Tritt!"

[audience applauding]

That's right.

She looks a little like him from the back like this.

I'll tell you, a little T-R-O-U-B-L-E coming my way.

[audience laughing]

We got us a baby on the way, August 4th.

We pretty excited about that.

[audience applauding]

Yeah, that's going to be pretty cool.

Going to be cool.

We ordered her from China.

So hopefully she'll get here then,

you know, if she ain't here by the 4th,

then I blowed 20 bucks on a cake

that says, "Welcome, Ling Chau,"

all right, I'll tell you that.

[audience laughing]

[Larry laughing]

No, but she is going to have a baby.

I'm so proud.

She wants a little boy,

I want a 16-year-old Polynesian girl.

That's what I want, right there.

[audience laughing]

Hopefully we can figure that whole thing out, right there.

You know.

But I'm from a small town.

You got to create things to do.

I like to fish and hunt

and throw rocks at whores.

We used to do that a lot.

But that was a church function, there.

That was, but, fishing.

I love fishing.

That's a lot of fun, there.

I tell you what, I was,

I was standing on my porch the other day,

looking at some stars through my telescope,

'cause my neighbor'd put her top back on,

[audience laughing]

and my buddy goes, "You want to go fishing in the morning?"

I'm like, "Daggum.

Git-R-Done."

Right, and he said, "Well, we need to be on the lake

at five a.m."

Come again?

Five a.m.?

You couldn't get me on a cheerleader

at five a.m., I'll tell you that.

[audience applauding]

What in the world?

[Larry laughs]

Well, you could, but she'd have to bring her own rod,

I guarantee you that.

[audience laughing]

There'd be nothing working on me at that hour, there.

[audience laughing]

Went trout fishing one time and didn't get nothing

for seven hours.

And then I farted in my waders

and four trout come up for air.

[audience laughing]

Daggum.

If I'd have had one more bowl of chili,

I'd have got 10 of them daggum things in there.

[audience laughing]

I just wasn't prepared.

I wasn't prepared.

Wasn't prepared.

But I do love to fish, and I'll tell you what.

They got all kinds of fish.

You ever heard of Orange Roughy?

- [All] Yeah.

- I didn't even know that was a fish.

I thought that was what you took

after you ate a bag of Cheez Doodles.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

Good Lord.

Went fishing in Miami one time and caught a Cuban.

[Larry laughs]

That's funny.

Good Lord.

It was unbelievable.

There was a whole school of them down there,

I couldn't believe it.

But I felt bad.

I had my limit and I had to throw the little feller back.

I felt bad about it.

You ever do this?

You ever throw firecrackers in the water,

watch the fish come up?

That's fun, right there.

We was throwing M-80's in, fish flying up.

That's right.

We blew the aquarium

at the dentist's office all to hell, we done that.

[audience laughing]

I thought it was funny, I did.

But we was kids, we was about 25,

so we didn't know what we was doing then.

Went fishing one time,

for catfish using shrimp as bait,

which makes no sense at all.

Does that make any sense?

- [Man] No.

- Fishing for a fish that's $2 a pound

with a fish that's $9.99 a pound?

I ended up eating the bait, that's what I did.

[audience laughing]

"How come you ain't fishing for catfish?"

"We got shrimp."

[audience laughing]

I like to hunt.

That's one of my favorite things.

Need to be careful, though.

My brother's not a very good hunter.

He shot himself in the head bow hunting one year.

[audience laughing]

And this was the final straw with him.

I took him bird hunting one time.

There's birds everywhere.

He don't get nothing.

I got 23 daggum birds.

And I go, "What's wrong with you?"

He goes, "I don't think

I'm throwing the dog up high enough."

[audience laughing]

What the hell?

And we ended up getting thrown out of the zoo

over the whole deal.

I mean, it was unbelievable.

I didn't know them penguins could fly like that.

They pretty good.

[audience laughing]

Them people, the anti-gunners, irritate me.

But I'm gonna tell you something.

I was reading in the paper the other day,

there was an article in there said,

"Cholesterol kills more people in this country than guns."

Tell you what, they want to save lives,

they ought to put a seven-day waiting period

on Popeye's chicken.

That's what, I tell you right there.

That's right.

[Larry laughing]

That's right.

That's what's killing folks, right there.

"I want a bucket of chicken."

"Fill out these forms."

[audience laughing]

And PETA irritates me.

I got three words for PETA,

chicken fried steak.

[audience laughing]

That's right, I like that.

I like meat.

I tell you, that's good food, right there.

That is good food.

[audience laughing]

That's right.

I like eating meat.

I like rump roast.

You ever eat that?

I was eating rump roast one time, I said to my butcher,

I said, "Why do they call rump roast 'rump roast'?"

He said, "Nobody'd eat it if they named it 'cow ass.'"

[audience applauding]

I like getting all my hunting stuff at the Bass Pro Shops.

That's where you get all, That's a good store, ain't it?

Git-R-Done, that's right.

I like that.

They trying to get more women shoppers in there now,

so they just opened up a Victoria's Secret

at our Bass Pro Shop

a while back, and, oh, it's nice.

I got my wife some crotchless waders.

[audience laughing]

Yeah.

Some beef jerky, edible under-britches.

I bought so much stuff,

they even threw in a French Tickler with a scope on it.

[audience laughing]

I like doing all that shopping stuff.

I enjoy it.

Wal-Mart's my favorite store to go to.

[crowd cheering]

I like the Wal-Mart.

That's right.

All the uptight, political correct folks,

they don't like Wal-Mart.

They don't pay good wages at Wal-Mart.

Well, I got an idea.

Don't work at freaking Wal-Mart.

How's that sound, right there?

[audience laughing]

Yes, I like, well, you can get

anything you want at the Wal-Mart.

They just opened up in our Wal-Mart two dentists' offices.

We did.

I ain't kidding with you.

Lying, crying, I ain't shed a tear.

We got two dentists' offices in there.

Got a regular dentist and an express dentist

for folks with 15 teeth or less in there.

We got the whole deal.

[audience applauding] [audience laughing]

The whole deal in there.

You ever see the door greeters in there?

Good Lord.

Wal-Mart been around since, what?

1950s, 1960s?

The door greeter been in there since 1852 in there.

[audience applauding]

And you walk in, you know, he's like,

"Can I get you a buggy?"

[audience laughing]

Boy, if you ever robbed a Wal-Mart,

one thing you ain't got to say is,

"Nobody move!"

[audience laughing]

You ever shop at the Wal-Mart after two a.m.?

It's almost everybody in there got some sort

of leg disease or something.

It's almost like the Wal-Mart

turns into the Monty Python's Ministry of Silly Walks

after two a.m.

Good Lord, look at that guy on aisle two over there.

[audience laughing]

Hell, look at that guy by the ice cream.

[audience laughing]

Good Lord, let's get the hell out of here,

let's get the hell out of here.

[audience laughing]

What's going on at the Wal-Mart in here?

Hey, did you ever say something to somebody at the Wal-Mart,

and then after you said it you thought,

"Shouldn't have said that."

[audience laughing]

I do that every trip in there.

But there was this feller, standing in line there.

Evidently busted his neck.

Had one of them halos.

You ever see that?

Look like a scaffold around the head.

It's bolted into your temples?

Well, this dude go like this.

I go, "What's wrong with you?" He goes,

"Think I lost my car key."

I said, "You'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on."

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

Was that wrong?

'Cause I was really laughing after I said that,

I got to tell you.

Oh, this is embarrassing.

I was bagging my own groceries

at the grocery store the other day 'cause it was busy,

and some old woman come up and patted me on the head

and said, "I think it's wonderful

they hire people like you."

[audience laughing]

I was like, "Thank you."

[larry laughs]

Then I wet my pants and run her over with my cart,

that's what I did.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[audience laughing]

I'll tell you, my favorite store is the Home Depot.

I like that store, right there.

That's a good store.

That's a big store in there.

Good Lord.

I'm glad they sell hot dogs on the way in.

[audience laughing]

You may need something to survive on

if you get lost in there.

But the worst thing about them hot dogs at the Home Depot

is they go right through you.

Good Lord, I had a couple of bites

of the wiener dog in there,

and I had a brown snake playing peek-a-boo

with my butt crack in there at Home Depot.

[audience laughing]

It ain't funny.

I'm walking like this through the Home Depot in there.

Looked like the "March of the Penguins" in there.

All I could think of was that commercial,

"What can brown do for you?"

You know what I mean?

That's all I thought.

What can brown do for me?

Make me look like a jackass at the Home Depot,

what it do for me.

Then I had to stand there

with my butt cheeks squished together like this,

hoping nothing would shoot out of there,

act like I'm looking at something, you know.

You ever do that?

You be playing a game or something?

It hits you and you're like, "Oh, Lord."

You know that people are like, "Larry, get over here!"

"Hold on, I'm looking at this weird bug over here.

I ain't never seen a bug like this in my whole life.

Oh, that's a big bug."

[audience laughing]

But do me a favor, if you ever go to the Home Depot,

tell them idiots in the plumbing department

to mark it better that them toilets

is for display purposes only in there.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

Good Lord, I felt like an idiot

going to the toilets on them stools in there.

But the good news is, somebody's gonna

get a plunger half price, all right?

That's the good news.

So there's a silver lining in everything in this world.

Hey, did you ever read that story about the feller

that glued his hind end to the toilet seat?

You read that?

Some feller goes into Home Depot

and there were some kids in there, pranksters.

And what they done is they put some industrial glue

on the toilet lid.

Well, this feller don't know, and he walks in there

to take the Browns to the Super Bowl,

and he sits down on this stool

and glues his hind end to the toilet lid.

And he sued Home Depot.

But he didn't sue 'cause he got glued to the seat,

he sued 'cause nobody'd come in there quick enough

and help him.

[audience laughing]

Well, who in their right mind

is gonna help somebody like that?

What would you do, you go into Home Depot

and hear somebody in there and see his feet.

"Yeah, oh, yeah.

Oh, oh.

Help me!

[audience laughing]

Help me!

I can't get off.

Help me get off."

[audience laughing]

You ain't going in there, either, I guarantee.

[audience laughing]

They ended up having to cut the whole stool

out of the floor and put him on a wood cart,

still sitting in the fecal position,

[audience laughing]

[Larry laughs]

and wheel him out of the Home Depot,

in front of God and every shopper in there.

That's a pathetic one-man parade

right there, I'll tell you what.

Looked like he was crowned king

of the Home Depot poopers in there.

"How you all doing?

Good to see you.

How are you?

Good to see you.

Hi, everybody, here's a Tootsie Roll.

Take some Tootsie Rolls for the kids.

How are you?

Good to see you.

What's going on?"

But the thing that irritated me was,

it was the Home Depot, for Pete's sake.

You mean to tell me out of that big old 25-acre store,

they didn't have one item to unglue him from a toilet seat?

That's pathetic.

And that's why I poop at Lowe's.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

Git-R-Done.

Thanks so much, everybody.

I appreciate it.

[crowd cheering] [audience applauding]

That's right, thank you.

All right.

What do you say we bring the boys back out?

[audience applauding]

Mr. Bill Engvall!

[crowd cheering]

Mr. Jeff Foxworthy!

[crowd cheering]

Mr. Ron "Tater Salad" White!

[crowd cheering]

- Well, looky there, boys.

We got, we got stool men now.

[audience laughing]

You know what, it's funny.

We travel all over the country,

and we all been doing this for a number of,

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- I never considered you a spinner.

- This is the same guy, yesterday afternoon,

we're at the Lincoln Memorial,

and he said, "I had no idea he was that big."

[audience laughing]

And Bill said, "He's not even standing up."

[audience laughing]

- You know, we travel

all over the country doing these shows and stuff.

And it's funny, being a comedian,

people always come up to you, they go,

"Hey, tell me a joke."

Which is weird, 'cause nobody walks up to a plumber

and says, "Hey, fix my toilet."

[audience laughing]

So I thought what'd be fun is, you know,

do what we do every night.

Like, we finish a show.

And you're jacked up from the show,

you can't go to bed, so we sit around down at the bar,

or Waffle House or whatever,

and we just tell jokes to each other,

and I thought it might be fun

if we tell our favorite jokes tonight.

- All right. - Yeah.

Yeah, just joke jokes.

[audience applauding]

- All right.

I got to tell you, I'm dizzier than hell here.

[audience laughing]

The doctor says to this feller,

"I got bad news and worse news."

He says, "Oh, what's the bad news?"

He says, "You got 24 hours to live."

He says, "What's the worse news?"

"I forgot to call you yesterday."

[audience laughing]

- All right, I got a 24-hour-to-live one.

Guy gets up in the morning, six a.m., goes to the doctor,

the doctor tells him he's got 24 hours to live.

- I bet this is the same doctor.

[audience laughing]

- Y'all want to sit next to each other?

[audience laughing]

- So, that night when the guy's going to bed,

he tells his wife, he said,

"I've only got a few hours left."

He said, "I want to make love to you

just as many times as I possibly can."

And so they do it once, twice, three times.

And then they fall asleep.

Well, about 4:30 in the morning,

the guy taps his wife on the shoulder,

he goes, "I want to make love to you one more time."

And she goes, "You know, that's easy for you to say, Jerry.

You don't have to get up in the morning."

[audience laughing]

It's a different joke.

- That's good.

- Ronnie, you got a joke?

- Nope.

- [Bill] All right.

[audience laughing]

- His mind's like a lazy Susan.

If you'll just bear with us,

it'll come back around here in just a minute.

- This guy's taking flying lessons.

He's talking to his buddy,

and he says, "The first day in the air

the instructor informs me he's an eighth-degree black belt

and a homosexual,

and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances

I have to jump out of the plane."

And his buddy goes, "Well, did you jump?"

And the guy goes, "Yeah.

A little at first."

[audience laughing]

- I like that.

- This woman goes to the doctor

and says she's got a digestive tract problem,

and the doc says, "Well, tell me about your daily routine."

She says, "Well, I get up at 6:15 every morning,

I make my family breakfast, and at 8:15,

I have a bowel movement."

He goes, "Well, let's take a x-ray and see

what the problem is."

So he takes an x-ray and goes,

"Well, there's the problem right there.

You got three worms in you.

We're gonna have to operate."

First worm goes, "Did you hear that?"

Second one says, "Yes, I did."

He goes, "What are you gonna do?"

He goes, "Well, I'm gonna hide behind the heart."

Other worm says, "Well, I'll hide behind the liver."

And the third one says,

"I don't know about the rest of you fellas,

but I'm catching the 8:15 out of here."

[audience laughing] [Bill laughing]

- That's funny.

All right, let me try one more, here.

- All right. - One more, here.

All right.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Guess the show is running a little long

for some of us.

[crowd cheering]

- [Larry] All right.

- I didn't know it was gonna

take this long, sorry.

- This feller goes hunting with his buddy,

and he got the scope up

and he goes, "Oh, my Lord,

I can see your house from here,

and your wife's cheating on you

with another feller."

He says, "I've had it with her."

Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts."

And he said, "I'll get that in one shot."

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

I got to admit, the preacher told me that last week.

[audience laughing]

- This guy's mother-in-law comes to live with him.

And she's been living there for about a week.

And he comes home one day and she's laying on the floor.

And he calls 911 and the ambulance comes and gets her

and they take her to the hospital,

and he's out in the waiting room

and the doctor comes out after a while and the doctor said,

"Well, I got some good news and some bad news."

Guy said, "All right, well, give me the bad news first."

He goes, "All right.

Your mother-in-law is not gonna die."

He said, "She's had a massive stroke."

He said, "In fact, she's probably gonna live 20

or 30 more years."

He said, "The problem is, this thing

has rendered her unable to speak."

He said, "She just makes this horrible

screeching noise like a parrot now."

He said, "It's also

disabled her from using her arms

and she can't feed herself."

He said, "For the next 20 or 30 years,

you're gonna have to feed her baby food three times a day."

He said, "Also, it's made her incontinent.

You're going to have to change her diapers

and clean her up every single day of your life."

And the guy said, "Oh, my God,"

he said, "What's the good news?"

And the doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died."

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

- That's a good one.

Oh, my God.

- It ain't right, but you laughed at it.

[audience laughing]

- Mr. White?

- There's a cruise ship and there's a magician

that works on the ship, and the captain had a parrot.

And he liked to go to the show every night.

But the parrot understood the show,

and because he could talk,

he would give away everything, you know?

"Oh, he's putting it in his sock."

[squawking]

He put it up his sleeve.

[squawking]

It's in his hat."

[squawking]

And the magician just hated this bird,

and one night he just snapped

and he pulled out a pistol and he shot the bird

and the bird ducked and the bullet hits a propane tank

and blows the cruise ship to a billion pieces.

The only survivors were the parrot and the magician,

and they're floating out in the ocean

on two little pieces of wood,

and the parrot goes,

"All right, I give up, where's the damn ship?"

[audience laughing]

- All right, I got a ship joke.

Back in the 1800s, this wooden warship

was out cruising the ocean.

And the guy in the crow's nest says,

"Captain, there's an enemy ship on the horizon."

The Captain turns to his assistant and says,

"Bring me my red shirt."

"All right."

He goes and gets his red shirt.

The Captain puts it on, the battle ensues.

It goes all day long, and they don't lose one sailor.

About 10 minutes later the assistant comes up

to the Captain and says,

"Hey, I got to ask you something."

And he says, "Before the battle started,

you said, 'Bring me my red shirt.'"

And he goes, "Why a red shirt?"

And he goes,

"Because if I happened to be shot, and was bleeding,

the crew would not notice the blood

and they will continue to fight on."

And he goes, "Wow, that's awesome."

Next morning, the guy in the crow's nest goes,

20 enemy ships on the horizon."

The Captain goes, "Bring me my brown pants."

[Bill laughing] [audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- All right, we got to share this with them.

We've been on the road for 20 years

just making fun of people every night.

And so the producers of the movie

thought it would be really funny,

they contacted our wives without our knowing it,

and they got them to go through our photo albums,

and to send them pictures of us

that we weren't necessarily really proud of.

[audience applauding]

And they've got a big Rolodex of them,

and so every night they've been showing us

more and more of them.

So for your amusement,

here are some of our real-life photos.

- [Bill] Oh! - [Jeff] Oh!

[audience laughing]

Ha, ha!

- Yeah, baby. - Yes, sir.

[crowd cheering]

- [Jeff] Woo-hoo!

- [Bill] Wait a minute.

Is that shirt tied in a knot?

[audience laughing]

- Is that a shirt?

I thought it was a prison mattress.

[audience laughing]

- [Larry] First there was the Bee Gees,

then came the heebie-jeebies.

[audience laughing]

- That was the look that killed disco, right there.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Where was this taken?

- [Ron] At my apartment complex.

The Bridgeview Apartments.

And there was no bridge and there was no view.

[audience laughing]

- No, there's a view.

There's a view.

- [Larry] Looks like a stunt double for

one of the dudes in "Eight is Enough."

[audience laughing]

- No, he looks like that girl from "One Day at a Time."

[audience laughing]

- Oh!

[audience laughing]

[man whistling]

"Please, please help me, Captain Hook.

Help me, Captain Hook."

Dude, you gotta kill your wife.

[audience laughing]

- This is one of Disney World's least favorite characters.

[audience laughing]

Fruity.

[Bill laughing]

- [Jeff] Laugh it up, laugh it up.

- [Bill] Oh! - [Jeff] Oh!

[audience laughing]

- [Larry] That's when I was doing Larry, the Cable Girl.

[audience laughing]

- There is more carpet on your toilet

than there is in the rest of the house.

- His first time ever using an indoor toilet,

Larry lost a foot.

[audience laughing]

- That toilet was used a lot.

We got a restrictor plate on that toilet.

[audience laughing]

- Is that two scales in this bathroom?

- My sister's pretty big, I'll tell you that much.

[audience laughing]

We had to total it up.

They only went to 300 each.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Ah!

- [Larry] Here's your sign.

[audience applauding]

- [Jeff] Is this one of the stories

that includes the phrase,

"And then we started drinking tequila?"

[audience laughing]

- What you don't know is the pool's empty.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] And probably cleaner than Larry's toilet.

[audience laughing]

[all exclaiming]

[crowd cheering]

- I'm getting a divorce.

[audience laughing]

- [Bill] That look has the look of this,

"I have got to fart so bad."

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Looks like the assistant manager

at the Lazy Eye Institute.

[audience laughing]

- Can I help you?

[Jeff laughing]

- That's the originator of the website upskirts.com,

right there.

[audience laughing]

[all exclaiming]

- [Ron] Guess what's under the cake?

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Not a whole lot.

- Larry always found it easier to pick up chicks

in his Pep Band T-shirt.

[audience laughing]

- You were in the Pep Band?

- I know, I caught flak,

people calling me a sissy and a pansy,

but I loved the baton.

I always have.

[audience laughing]

- [Bill] Oh, my God.

- [Jeff] The couch is like something

from the Jimi Hendrix collection

at Sears, too.

- That ain't no couch.

That's my sister taking a nap right there.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Oh, God. - [Bill] Oh, God almighty.

- [Ron] "Son, if you play your cards right,

this Chrysler K-car will be yours."

[audience laughing]

- You know, I knew I left something out

of the redneck fashion tips.

It was the denim one-piece jumpsuit.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

I remember the one thing you didn't want to get

while you was wearing that was the runs,

'cause you couldn't get it off.

- Look like Shaun Cassidy's stand-in or something.

- Evel Gay-nievel.

[audience laughing]

[all laughing]

- She had great legs.

If you'd have seen the legs on this chick,

you'd have gone, "Well, you know, maybe."

- Ah, the senior prom.

[audience laughing]

- You know that joke I did about the long balloons

four days after the birthday party?

Oh, that's beautiful.

[all laughing]

- [Bill] I think it's great the way they cut

the walker out of the picture there.

- That's my grandmother, you better watch out.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- [Jeff] Uh-oh!

[audience laughing]

- [Larry] Hey,

Jeff gets ready for a two-month prison sentence

and practices while sitting on a door lock.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

- I'm actually kind of wondering

why you left the one-piece jumpsuit out

of your fashion tips now.

[audience laughing]

Looks to me like you got one on there, Jeffie.

[Bill exclaiming]

- [Bill] Talk about having money.

- All these years you never shared with us

that you were employed at Wendy's.

- Well, you know, you keep jobs like that under wraps.

You don't want people to, you know,

feel bad about themselves.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeff] Who is the guy in the window?

- [Ron] [laughing] That's the manager.

- [Jeff] He looks like, like two minutes earlier he said,

"All right, if you're gonna fart,

go out in the parking lot."

[audience laughing]

- I had a cheeseburger tucked up under my hat there.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

- [Bill] Oh.

Now, that, that picture meant a lot to me.

- [Larry] Explain that.

- We were on a band trip,

and we went to New Orleans.

This is- - That's the closest you got

to a naked woman as a teenager, wasn't it?

- What is today?

[audience laughing]

- This is actually Bill with his first tromboner.

[audience laughing]

- What instrument did you play, Bill?

- Trombone.

- [Jeff] Well, they got your mom's picture in the window.

That's nice, too.

- Put me through college.

[audience laughing]

[Bill laughing]

- [Ron] If they would've put that on a bottle of Scotch,

they'd have found me a lot sooner.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

- [Jeff] Your head and the orange are the exact same shape,

look at that.

- I think I was a good-looking kid.

[audience laughing]

- [Bill] "Erlene, get back in the trailer now."

[audience applauding]

- And people always ask,

"Where do you come up with them redneck jokes at?"

- [Ron] What look were you going for here, Jeffie?

- We were trying to make funny pictures

where we pulled our pants low

and, you know, your shirt where it made you look like

you were real long-waisted or something.

- Good God.

You're an idiot.

[audience laughing]

[crowd cheering]

Wait.

I take that back.

You're an idiot.

- [Ron] This girl is not gonna smile until the check clears.

[audience laughing]

You are having way more fun than she is.

- Larry celebrates the arrival of his first blow-up doll.

[audience laughing]

More wine coolers!

- Who is that?

- [Larry] I don't know, but she had a tattoo

on her hind end said,

"Downgrade, watch for other truckers."

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Hey.

Look at his shorts.

It really is a small world after all.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

- I don't want to say nothing,

but you work a consistent look.

- I was trying all kind of different stuff, you know?

- Not, not, not really.

- No.

- [Jeff] Oh. - [Bill] Oh.

- What happens at the family reunion stays

at the family reunion.

[audience laughing]

- [Bill] "What do you mean you want cab fare?"

[audience laughing]

- The best part of this, you have put a blanket

over to protect the good Naugahyde on the chair there.

[audience laughing]

- It was a nice place.

- [Larry] I like his Daisy Pukes.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

- No, they, no, they doctored that up.

- Oh, yeah.

- Just find a good spot and let the boys come to you.

[audience laughing]

- [Bill] Do you see what I mean about the consistent look?

- No, they, no, they did that to that.

I had the-

- What's, oh yeah, yeah, they did something to it.

- They, yeah.

- [Bill] What's with the glasses?

- [Ron] You look at that photo and the glasses bother you?

[audience laughing]

What about the two sailors in assless chaps?

Did you notice them, Bill?

[audience laughing]

- He's got a point.

[all screaming]

[crowd cheering]

- [Bill] Oh, my God.

- That's when Larry was the casting director

for the movie "Babe."

[audience laughing]

- It's such a cute daggum sheep, though.

Look at it.

Look at that face.

How could you not love that?

- Room service,

I'm gonna need some beers and a bag of oats.

[audience laughing]

- You guys have been great.

God bless you.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you very much.

[crowd cheering]

[upbeat country music]

♪ I look back on the good times ♪

♪ We've had out on the road

♪ We traveled a million miles and done 1000 shows ♪

♪ And the nights we had together ♪

♪ Just kinda burn into my mind

♪ It reminds me of the time

♪ Like the night in Colorado when the bus broke down ♪

♪ Bill and Jeff had to walk three miles to some old town ♪

♪ Grab a ride and make a phone call ♪

♪ Man, we barely made the show

♪ It's just one more for the road ♪

♪ Thank you for the memory

♪ I wouldn't change a thing

♪ But I wish I had a dollar

♪ For every time my phone rings ♪

♪ At 4:30 in the morning

♪ And it's Ron stuck at the bar ♪

♪ Wondering if I knew where he might've parked his car ♪

♪ Or that night when Larry's spit-cup ♪

♪ Got put into the fridge

♪ Bill took a big old drink, he thought that Coke was his ♪

♪ And he spent the next three hours ♪

♪ Like he drank water in Mexico ♪

♪ It's just one more for the road ♪

♪ 20 years' worth of stories

♪ Rolling through these towns

♪ Shutting every honky-tonk and cracker-barrel down ♪

♪ Now it's us four on a barstool ♪

♪ Swapping jokes and telling lies ♪

♪ It's time to go, let's Git-R-Done ♪

♪ And do this one last time

♪ 'Cause I need one more for the road ♪

♪ Before we have to go

♪ 'Cause I don't know the next time we'll be coming back ♪

♪ To all our fans from town to town ♪

♪ We thank you for coming down

♪ And then one more for the road ♪

♪ All good things come to an end ♪

♪ So before we have to leave, my friend ♪

♪ Let's have one more for the road ♪

♪ Just want one more for the road ♪

♪ One more for the road