Original subtitles

Good news for motorists today.

The earthquake-damaged freeways are now repaired

and open ahead of schedule

thanks to a million dollar cash incentive skimmed

from taxpayer dollars.

Mudslides have finally been cleared

from the Pacific Coast Highway,

but motorists are warned to watch

for that occasional leather couch in the fast lane.

And this, just in, at the beach,

it's another beautiful day.

♪ Some days can scare the dead ♪

♪ Some nights tying on my head ♪

♪ Looking back at another empty day ♪

♪ Like a tidal wave across the sea ♪

♪ Love comes crashing down on me ♪

♪ Baby, please don't ever go away ♪

♪ Looking for love along the beach ♪

♪ It seems like now it's in my reach ♪

♪ Don't rescue me from your love ♪

♪ Although I'm in the sea of love ♪

♪ And you're the one I'm thinking of ♪

♪ You carry me across every wave ♪

♪ I've never felt like this before ♪

♪ I'm feeling like a victim on the shore ♪

♪ I'm the girl that only you can save ♪

♪ Looking for love along the beach ♪

♪ It seems like now it's in my reach ♪

♪ Don't rescue me from your love ♪

♪ Don't rescue me from your love ♪

Enrollment is limited to six each summer.

Please list--

- Oop, sorry. - No shoving!

Please list any previous lifeguard experience you

may have had in the past, if any.

Out of the way! Incoming!

Oh Ty-Dy, this is gonna be the best summer ever!

And I know we're gonna be better friends, too.

Okay maggots, line up!

My name is Ms. Woodrow

and I'm going to be your instructor.

Now, lifesaving is a serious profession.

I would like to hear from each of you

on why you chose to enroll in this class.

You first!

Hi, my name's Lucki and I'm a native Californian.

And I thought this would be a good way to meet guys.

- Cool. - This is a lifeguard school!

Please tell me you're in the wrong place.

Uh, no.

Before this gets out of hand,

let me remind you that this not a dating service.

The beach is hardly a place for fun and romance.

Ask my ex-husband.

Hi, I'm Ty-Dy and I'm an aspiring actress,

and I thought that being a lifeguard

would be a good part-time job between gigs.

Surprise me.

Uhh, my name's Crucial.

I spend every summer at the beach,

so I figure I might as well get paid for it.

You people are pathetic!

Would anyone like to know why I became a lifeguard?

Uh, no, not really.

- What the-- - Whoa, what was that?

Wow, beauty.

Hope I'm not late.

I had car trouble again.

Maybe I can help you with it.

Don't bother.

You wouldn't have a tool large enough for the job.

And uh, we took the last two applications.

And enrollment is limited.

Oh, really?

Well, I drove all the way out here,

so who's gonna give up their spot for me?

Wait a minute, I took an extra one by mistake.

- You can have it. - Thanks.

We were just introducing ourselves.

I'm Bodacia, and I'm from Silicon Valley.

Figures.

I'm a three-time beauty pageant queen

and I won all events except congeniality.

And I'm a model, you might recognize me as Ms. Quickie Lube.

Was that you?

I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

I love your work!

I hate to bring this up,

but you don't seem much like the lifeguard type.

You got me, I'm doing it for community service.

You see, I just did this little calendar

with the school's mascot, the mule.

How was I supposed to know

that take was going to be called obscene in twenty-seven states?

That was very nice, thank you.

Next!

I'm Derek.

I heard CPR's a good way to meet girls.

Is it true they're eternally grateful

if you save their lives?

I wouldn't be.

Hi, my name is Brock and I'm from Iowa.

I wonder how he is at plowing.

What I really wanna do is work near the ocean.

By the way, what was that noise?

It's the ocean, and if you want a tour of the city,

just let me know.

I'd like to see some of the sights.

Take a picture, it'll last longer.

Oh, Brock!

He's taken, sorry.

That's enough for today.

Meet back here at 8 AM tomorrow.

Our best summer ever, huh?

Could you hand me that?

Ty-Dy, I'm talking to you.

Listen to this,

"Actress wanted, no experience necessary.

Must like all kinds of people,

nudity required, and no inhibition's a must.

Shoots for two days in Simi Valley."

You auditioned for them last month,

- it's a porno movie. - Oh!

Could you help me with a bathing suit?

Sure, what style are you looking for?

You know, one that leaves nothing

to the imagination.

I want to get as much sun as possible.

I hear you loud and clear.

How about Northern Exposure?

If there were any less fabric, you'd be nude.

It is tempting,

but I'd really like something that lifts my cheeks

and separates them.

Then I'd recommend

the Butt Jammer.

Skimpy in the back, with lots of lift,

but ever so provocative to the eye.

It looks like two teeth being flossed.

I never thought of it that way,

but it is one of our best sellers.

You don't say.

Well, I have sacrificed comfort for style before.

Let me try it on.

Hey, girls.

Hi?

Derek, Lifeguard School.

Oh, yeah, right.

You said you were interested in meeting some new guys.

Well, here I am.

You must have misunderstood.

We were talking about men, not boys.

- Oh. - Oh, I see.

Could you help me tie this in the back?

Certainly.

What do you think?

Should I hike it up more?

I'll take it!

Good choice. That'll be twenty-three even.

Thanks.

Don't forget extra sunblock.

I think I just saw the face of an angel.

Come again.

Check it out.

Like, hi.

Hello, young ladies.

I wanna introduce myself, I'm Dek, head lifeguard.

If you ladies ever have any problems,

just call the lifeguard tower and I'll be right over.

Actually, I do have a problem.

I don't have a date tonight.

- Lucki! - Well, he asked.

I'm flattered, but I think that might be out

of my jurisdiction.

Well, think about it.

I live on PCH.

You could maybe stop by after work.

I do work kinda late.

Yeah, yeah, and we have to get up early tomorrow.

We're studying to be lifeguards.

What a coincidence.

I monitor that school.

I'm sure we'll be seeing

a lot of each other this summer.

I'm counting on it.

I live on the corner of PCH and Heatstroke.

I get off at five.

Okay, I'll think about it.

Bye.

Oh my God, this one is perfect for me.

What is?

Oh, you'll just try and discourage me.

It's an open casting call, I'd better hurry.

I'll see you later tonight.

Take your time.

Don't hurry back, I may be sitting on Dek.

That bum.

He better show up if he knows what's good for him.

Hi, Dek. I had almost given up on you.

I wasn't sure if I should come or not.

I made you a drink, I hope you like it.

What is this stuff?

It's my own special blend.

It's tequila, rum, and passion fruit.

It's 150 proof.

You could strip the paint off a car with this.

It's also good at removing inhibitions.

Let's take these clothes off and go for a dip.

I think skinny dipping

is a little too much for our first meeting.

You pervert, I didn't say skinny dipping, we just met.

Maybe after one more drink.

Ready to take that big plunge?

Freeze!

What the...

I got a call back in this movie,

"Pistol Packing Cheerleader."

It's a docu-drama taken straight from today's headlines.

Can't you see I have company?

It's all right, I think I should be going.

You just got here.

I know.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

Look what you did.

I was about to ride the big tsunami.

Sure you were.

I need peace and quiet to rehearse.

And then, in the big finale,

she blows away the entire Yellow Squad vigilante-style.

I'd pay to see something like that.

Quiet, people!

Now, line up!

Today is your first chance to hit the ocean

and get a feel for it.

I can't go in the water,

I just put suntan lotion on.

Get in there!

- It's cold! - It's wet!

Just rub some on your body and you'll be fine.

Hey, can I help you with that, Bodacia?

Get away from me!

Hey, Brock, wanna join the mile deep club?

Now there's a fifty yard marker out in the water.

I want you to swim out to it, then return.

Anyone who takes longer than one minute

will have to enroll in my remedial breaststroke class.

Ready, and begin!

Very good, you all made it in on time.

Hey, where's Ty-Dy?

Help!

Oh my God!

Help!

Mmh!

- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'll be fine.

Class, I'm appalled!

Someone almost drowns right in front of you

and only two people try and rescue her?

We're sorry.

You're darn right you're a sorry group.

Oh please, I've wrestled larger toys in the bathtub.

The fact that it took you three losers

to subdue one squid speaks for itself.

What's that supposed to mean?

Stop it, you two!

Now, I want the rest of you to each write

in the sand fifty times,

"Life guarding is not a spectator sport."

Get to it!

You better be more careful,

you almost bought the farm.

Yeah, thanks guys.

Good work, you two.

You stood tall in the face of duty.

How do you spell spectator?

- Hey, Lucki. - What is it?

Listen, I finally got to find out

what kind of person you are today and you know what?

I hate teacher's pets.

Get lost!

You're just jealous 'cause

I'm a better swimmer than you.

Sure you are.

You're not better than me in anything.

I challenge you to a competition.

You choose the sport.

Fine, how about volleyball?

You're on.

Come on.

Whenever you're ready.

My serve.

Ooh!

Game point.

Oh!

Remember what I said.

You're not better than me at anything.

Close game.

♪ One, two, put a hole in you ♪

♪ Three, four, ♪

Okay, everyone, quiet! I'm here.

Now, listen carefully

because I'm not gonna say it twice.

This is a cheerleader with a vengeance.

I wanna see and I want to feel teenage angst.

First is Dawn Weatherbee.

Alright, you dumb jock,

I'm not the kind of girl who puts out on the first date.

I'm gonna teach you a lesson.

I brought a real gun.

It kinda helps me get into character.

You want me to do the scene

where I take out the rival cheerleading team?

No! No.

Uhh, no. We'll call if we need you.

Next is Ty-Dy Ducatti.

Hello.

Whenever you're ready.

I'm waiting. Bring it to life for me.

I'm sorry.

Oh Lucki, what am I gonna do?

I just completely froze.

What if I'm not cut out to be an actress?

And this was going to be my biggest part

since I played basketball in high heels.

This month's issue of Saucy Magazine

has an article on the exact same thing.

It says when you fall off the horse,

you got to get right back on!

Has that worked for you?

I always did like putting my feet in the stirrups.

But what if I'm not cut out to be a lifeguard either?

Oh please, not another flashback!

I'm sorry.

Don't worry, watch,

next time you get in the water,

it'll be like nothing ever happened.

I hope so.

Look, there she is.

A special kind of girl,

you know, one who's never heard the expression,

"I want you for your mind."

Wow, I hear ya.

Would you do her?

Would I do her?

The question is, would I stop?

We need to advantage of these California babes.

You know, one hand washes the other.

Yeah.

Take this.

Hey, I saw her first!

Excuse me, Miss.

I'm from out of town and I'm lost.

Oh, where are you from?

Venice, I mean Venezuela.

Oh, Buenos Nachos.

This is such a coincidence.

I'm studying first year Spanish at Sea Sun.

You could really help me with my conversational skills.

- I could? - Yeah.

Okay, imagine you're a waiter and I'm your customer.

Now, ask me for my order.

Your burrito's ready.

No, in Español.

I think I hear my mom calling me.

Dude, I should have thought this out more carefully.

Man, watch a master at work.

You're still on level one.

I'm ready for the next plateau.

Oop!

- Ooh! - Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh no, it was my fault.

I should be watching where I'm going.

I'm just glad you're not hurt or anything.

No, not at all.

In fact, I feel an obligation to make it up to you.

How's dinner sound?

That's very sweet, but you don't have to.

No no, I insist.

How about my place around midnight?

Clothing is optional.

You pig!

You tripped me on purpose!

There's what I think of dinner.

Good one, dude.

Well, it doesn't work every time.

I hope you like your lunch, Brock.

It's

Hey, is there any corn?

I grew up eating corn.

Every Thanksgiving we'd have corn with cornbread,

corn stuffing, corn syrup.

Sounds yummy.

Hey, guess what we did for Halloween.

You bobbed for corn on the cob?

No, but that sounds like fun.

What I did is I took the clothes off the scarecrow

and went trick or treating in them.

Hey, why don't you take a bite of this sandwich.

You're much more attractive when you're not talking.

Oh, what is it?

It's my specialty.

It's liver-flavored tofu, soybean cheese,

and sprouts in cauliflower dressing.

Delish, huh?

Yeah, but I'm really not too hungry right now.

I'm not hungry either.

At least not for food.

Bodacia, what are you doing?

Kiss me, Brock!

Make me see fireworks like it's the Fourth of July!

Oh!

All right, who the hell does this belong to?

Oh, uh, hi.

Like, you found our ball.

You better take it back before I stick it

where the sun don't shine.

Like, hi, Brock.

Hello.

You got your ball, now get the hell outta here!

Come on Lucki, let's go get some corn dogs.

- Corn dogs?! - Where?

Maybe I'll show you how I take a whole corn dog

in my mouth at once.

Really? I can do the same thing.

- Lucki? - Oh, like hi, Dek.

Um, this is my friend Brock from lifeguard school.

Hey come on, Lucki,

you promised to show me how you can take the whole thing

in your mouth at once.

This isn't what it looks like.

Don't worry, you don't owe me an explanation.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

I was looking for you.

I wanted to apologize for leaving early the other night,

but uh, I guess you've moved on.

I can't wait to see how she handles this one.

She hates possessive men.

Honestly, I was just having lunch with my friends.

But if you wanna find me later, you know where I am.

You could dip just about anything in corn

and get me to eat it.

- Really. You gonna eat that? - Help yourself.

Yeah, I like all kinds of corn except creamed corn.

Something about mixing it with milk really ruins it for me.

Yeah, I'll remember that if I ever fix dinner for you.

How's it hangin', Ty-Dy?

- Huh? - Oh, I'm fine.

I was wondering,

Lucki seems to have her share of boyfriends.

- Are you seeing anyone? - No.

I'm saving myself for my true love.

I'm a thespian.

Ohhh. I get it, so you and Lucki are more than friends.

Yeah. Oh no, not that.

I mean I'm an actress.

My true love is the theater.

Oh, you lost me there for a minute.

So, is there anyone special in your life?

No, but someday I'll meet Mr. Right.

I picture him as a Hollywood director/producer.

Out on the town every night, movie premieres,

substance abuse clinics.

Oh, what a life!

So, you don't think there's a possibility

for a guy like me?

Well, you do remind me of the cartoon brother I never had.

You could really give a guy a complex.

I'm calling my parole officer

and giving him a piece of my mind

of what I think about this beach community service.

Maybe I can still clean up manure at the racetrack.

Yeah.

- Oh God, would you just-- - I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no,

it-it was my fault, really.

Maybe you're just what I'm looking for.

- Oh yeah? - How's that?

You've had lunch yet?

No, it was a little crowded.

Oh, well, why don't you share mine?

I have plenty.

I hope you like health food.

Ty-Dy, I have a problem.

Oh Lucki, sometimes you are so easy to read.

You can't decide between Brock or Dek, right?

No, actually I was wondering

which bathing suit brought the highlights out in my hair.

Oh, sorry.

Well, now that you mention it, I do have a problem.

Two guys, and you know which one I want?

Um, the sensitive one.

The one that'll remember your birthday

and bring you flowers and send you special little notes.

No! Get outta here!

I want the one Bodacia wants.

Let her have sloppy seconds.

Well, which one does she want?

I don't know, she's just too fickle.

It's like when we were in school,

if there were five slices of apple pie in the cafeteria

and only one slice of peach, you'd take the peach, right?

Uh,

you lost me, I was never very good at math.

Which one does she want?

It's not important.

Watch out, tomorrow it's every man for himself.

Are you excited? Come on.

You're late again, Bodacia!

Ugh, it was worth it!

I got my parole reduced by a month.

Tie this in the back for me, would you?

Hey, don't bogart those bikini straps, dude.

All right, pay attention!

When I call out your name,

I want each of you to recite a lesson in beach safety.

And God help you if you can't come up with one.

Lucki, you go first.

Don't go in the water right after you eat.

Good. You next, Crucial.

When you're swimming and you're tired,

try it doggy style.

That's the dog paddle.

Wha.. I woulda had a better one if you asked me first.

Bodacia?

Don't go in the water when it's squid season.

That's right, or shark season as well.

Your turn, Ty-Dy.

If you find yourself sinking,

grab onto something that floats, like silicone.

- Good one. - Go ahead, Derek.

Um, don't roughhouse in the water.

That's right, and no roughhousing on the sand either.

- Brock? - Uh, don't pull a cow's tail

while you're milking it.

I was talking about beach safety.

Nevermind.

I'd like to see some jumping jacks.

Ready? And begin!

Excuse me, Woody.

I asked you not to call me that.

I need to see one of your students.

They're busy right now, can you come back later?

This is it.

This'll only take a minute.

Out of my way, you bag of bones.

It's me he wants, you two-bit slut.

All right, make it quick.

So, Dek, what is it that you want?

She's confused, it's me that you want.

He wants me, you piece of trash.

You talk to your mother with that mouth?

Actually, I came here to see Derek.

Someone turned your wallet into the lost and found.

Oh, thanks. I didn't realize it was missing.

A girl picked it up when she ran into you rollerblading.

Said she had dinner on your credit card since you offered,

and uh, she left her phone number.

Oh, she left me her number?

No, she actually left it for me,

but it's against policy for me to go out with her.

Too bad though.

Oh. Thanks for my wallet.

Hey, just doing my job.

Dek, don't you have something to say to me

- while you're here? - Yeah, me too.

Uh no, not really.

See, you scared him away for being so desperate.

Oh, shut up already!

All right, line up,

it's time to get your lifeguard manuals.

Eleven chapters, everything from CPR to the proper handling

of nude sunbathers.

This book is your Bible.

Learn it and learn it well!

Hey, Bodacia, now that I got my wallet back,

do you wanna go to dinner with me?

When hell freezes over.

Come on, at least let us cop a feel.

Tell you what, if I get you guys a date

with one of the girls in the class,

will you just leave me alone?

But all the other girls seem to have more scruples

than you do.

What's that supposed to mean?

You're the one who appeared nude

in that calendar last year.

If you knew how many times I held that up with one hand.

Oh God, you're gonna make me puke.

Just work with me here, okay?

All right, Ty-Dy, uh, you got a minute?

Oh wait, I'm trying to find the chapter

on when squid season is over.

Listen, I have this idea.

Why don't we all get together for a study session,

you know, to keep the tension off?

Uh, I don't know.

Yeah, we could have a cram session.

Yeah, Bodacia's good with that.

Look how far her bathing suit's crammed up her butt.

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

We're gonna have a study session tonight.

- You wanna come? - Yeah!

Hey, maybe somebody can explain those big words to me.

Count me in.

Great, thanks for letting us use your place.

Uh, wait a minute!

See you there.

Lucki, where are you gonna get money for a party?

I don't know!

Wait a minute, we could make it a luau,

and I could get decorations from the bikini shop.

Yeah, and I'll get the leftover food

from my brother's graduation.

Perfect.

Lucki, this food isn't thawed yet.

It's completely frozen.

Who cares?

I hope everybody brings something.

Hey look, I brought some corn.

Thanks.

Anyway, keep your eye on Bodacia.

I don't want anything stolen.

- Whoa. - Remember what I told you,

you ask a lot of stupid questions

and you try to look interested.

- Okay. - Are those real?

Not me, you ask them the questions!

Go.

Lucki, where's the corn I brought?

Oh, it was just so good we couldn't resist.

Hi, Brock.

Hello.

I was hoping to see you here.

Hey guys, come on, let's get the party started.

Uhh, Ty-Dy, I was wondering,

what was your first acting job?

That is so nice of you to ask.

Well, you're not going to believe this,

but I was in the original "Woodstock."

Really? Aren't you a little young for that?

Not really.

I was born there. It's my first screen credit.

You can see it in the director's cut.

Wow.

Uh, I was on a television show once.

Huh? No way!

It was "Cops."

I ran from this police car,

but all you saw was my backside.

- Umm! - So, Ty-Dy,

what's the most recent part you've auditioned for?

Well, I just read for a part

in "Pretty Hooker: The Sequel."

Really? I love that charming Cinderella story.

Yeah, could you do a scene for us?

- Oh God, no. - I sure could.

I've been turning tricks on this corner

for half of my life.

The motel down the street gives me a discount rate

for the guys that have more than ten dollars to spend.

I just wish my Prince Charming would come along.

Thanks for sharing.

I thought that we got together

to study our lifeguard manuals.

Good idea, because I've only looked at the pages

that have pictures on them.

I got a better idea.

- How about a limbo party? - Woaah.

Yeah!

- Yeah. - Let's do it.

See if you guys can do better than this.

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

♪ How low can she go ♪

Okay guys, when I tell you,

you'll lower the bar and you'll get some.

Yeaaahh.

What? Did I tell you do that, you idiot?

Did I tell you to do that? Huh?

You said that if we got their tops off,

we'd get some action!

Is that what this is all about?

Get the hell out!

Ugh!

Dude.

Are you still angry about what happened last night?

Only with Bodacia.

Yeah, I'm gonna shove her overly made-up face deep

in the sand.

And then I'm going to put my foot

where her bikini wax stops.

Hey, have you forgiven me yet?

Get lost, bozo!

- Coming through. - What the hell's all this?

Hey, watch it, don't get in my light.

I'm shooting my new calendar today.

Twelve Months of Halloween, yeah right.

Drop dead, you're just jealous because it's not

your scrawny little body being photographed.

Look at that vulgar display.

- Oh, who cares? - No one in their right mind

would buy that calendar anyway.

I wonder when it goes on sale.

Yeah, I'm gonna get me an advanced copy.

That slut, she'll get hers.

Oh man.

Woah.

Listen to this.

I've decided to write a play for myself.

I'm going to play Sandos, the hippy babysitter.

That's so five minutes ago.

What do you know about the sixties?

Well, that's the idea, it's retro.

Oh, hold that thought.

I see a customer.

Can I help you with that?

Yeah, where's the dressing room?

Over there.

Lucki, I didn't know this was

the seedy little bikini shop you worked in.

Bodacia, what the hell do you want?

I'm looking for a new bikini for my calendar.

I'd like to see something cheap and really slutty.

Yeah, well, the mirror's over there.

You think you're really funny, don't you?

Well, never mind, I'll find one myself.

Hey Ty-Dy, get a load of this.

The owner of the bikini shop is in the back.

He's looking for a spokes model

for his new summer line of swimwear.

Oh hey, what a great opportunity.

I wonder who the lucky girl will be?

Just trying something on.

Hey!

I understand you're looking for a new spokes model.

Actually, I was just--

Don't speak, just take a look at these.

I really think you're making some sort of mistake here.

No, wait, wait, wait.

There's more, there's more, there's more, there's more.

Take a look at this.

Hey Bodacia, are you okay in there?

Everything's just fine.

So, what do you think?

Do I get the job or what?

- You're insane. - What job?

You are the owner of this bikini shop, right?

What are you talking about?

I'm just trying on this bathing suit.

Oh my God!

Oh my God.

I thought you said that the owner of the shop

was in the back!

You must have misunderstood,

he's in the back parking his limo.

Are you gonna buy that suit or what?

No! I wouldn't be caught dead in anything from this store!

I'll take it.

Now, pay attention!

I hope you've all been reading your manuals.

Today we're going to be learning "Chapter Five: CPR."

Yes! Giving babes mouth to mouth!

Oh God, I'd rather be a hooker

at a Star Trek Convention.

- Any volunteers? - Huh?

Brock, you come up here!

This isn't gonna hurt, now is it?

Only if we're lucky.

Now, lay down to simulate a possible drowning.

Who wants to come and revive him?

- Oh, me! - Out of my way, sea hag!

Lucki, you try.

We can all learn from your mistakes.

Ha-ha, Bodacia.

What do I do?

You check for any signs of blockage.

Watch out, she's gonna try and steal your wallet.

- Not in his shorts! - Check his throat.

Oh, sorry.

I smell corn.

I just had lunch.

Does anyone have like a breath mint?

Must I do everything myself?

Stand back and let a professional show you how it's done.

First, you block the nasal passage.

This gives you a direct route of breathing.

- Stop shoving! - Shut up already!

Girls!

Pay attention for once!

Now, does anyone know what is next?

You ask them if they have medical insurance.

No!

Then you take a deep breath

and prepare to blow it into his lungs.

Now, watch and learn!

Wow, it really works.

- Any questions? - Where am I?

Class dismissed.

Oh, hey everybody, my new play opens tonight.

It's called "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's on Acid.'

I hope you all can make it!

You'll be able to come, won't you, Ms. Woodrow?

Yeah, right.

What's going on?

Hey guys, come on now.

Whoa, thanks for bringing me.

I've never been to live theater before,

except our barnyard musicals.

Hey, ask what character I play.

- Uh, a scarecrow? - You're right.

Hey, watch this.

Mr. Rooster, what do you have to crow about today?

Okay, that's plenty, thanks.

I wonder where Ty-Dy is.

Hey, guys.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Like, who are all these people in the audience?

Oh, I called all these important magazines,

like The Reporter, so they could review my show.

That's how you get to Broadway.

Hi, I'm here from the Marijuana Growers Weekly.

Thanks for coming.

I guess you got the right audience.

Oh, I am so nervous.

I hope everybody likes it.

- Hi, Ty-Dy. - Oh hi, Mom!

Ooh, I'm so excited for you.

I'm just sorry your brother Butterfly couldn't be here.

Aw, that's okay.

Mom, I want you to meet my friends.

This is Lucki and Brock.

Nice to meet you.

Do you like my costume?

Oh, it's perfect!

Did you know that your babysitter

actually dropped acid once while she was taking care of you?

No way. That is like too radical.

It's true!

I like to think it's one reason

why you grew up the way you did.

Wow, that puts a whole new light on my character.

Well, I'll see you inside.

- Break a leg. - Thanks.

Good luck, Ty-Dy, you'll need it.

Wait a minute, I'm not ready.

- What's my motivation? - Not to upstage me.

All right, Lisa.

Now, you behave yourself when the new babysitter gets here.

I'm old enough to not to need a babysitter.

Just shut up and don't embarrass me in front of her!

Like, hi.

I'm Sandos, your babysitter.

Wow, what's going on, man?

You're late.

Now, let's go over a few rules.

- No problem. - You got any munchies?

I'm sure we do.

Now, no boys over here tonight,

no loud music, and no destructive games.

Got it, man.

I'm gonna be home at midnight.

You be a good little girl.

Bye, Mommy.

- Peace. - What happened to the light?

What happened to the light?

Dude, I've got a gnarly headache.

What's supposed to be happening?

I think it symbolizes a bad trip.

Shh!

All right, man!

Are you ready to play some games?

I wanna hear a scary story,

like the one about the babysitter

and the maniac who keeps calling her from inside the house.

Stop ab-libbing.

No, we're going to be butterflies.

Okay, first we're caterpillars,

and now we're spinning our cocoons

and we're becoming beautiful butterflies.

Now, we're ready to break out of our cocoons and fly.

I don't feel like I'm flying.

Funny, I do.

Oh, poor Ty-Dy, this really bites.

Someone help her up, dude.

What was that all about?

Oh, there will be a five-minute intermission.

Do that again.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I just couldn't see

the edge of the stage, it was so smoky.

What else could go wrong?

Ty-Dy, the actor playing your boyfriend just called.

He got picked up on all his warrants,

he can't make it here tonight.

Oh my God, what am I gonna do?

All these people came to see my big opening.

He's in the next scene.

Hey, how come your dressing room's larger than mine?

I'm calling my agent.

Hey you, shut up!

I was in a barnyard musical once.

Oh, that's more than enough experience.

Here, follow me.

Hey, what are you doing?

Um, um,

just try to stall everybody and sell some of these.

Munchies, anyone?

We're ready for the second act.

Good, I hope it's a short one.

Come in.

Uh, I'm here.

It's about time.

- Uh... - groovy.

What a great actor.

He really looks stoned.

That's my daughter up there.

Oh, you must be so proud.

Ooh, thank you.

Are you on antacid again?

That's acid.

Uh, yeah, I am.

Let's lose our inhibitions together.

- What are you doing? - That's my boyfriend.

I'm home early.

Oh my God, what is going on here?

Mommy, the babysitter baked the dog in the oven.

What have you got to say for yourself, young lady?

Hey, I'm tripping.

- Thank God it's over. - At least we go some pot.

Wanna go back to my place and see my etchings?

Well, I haven't heard that line in years.

I could never thank you enough, Brock.

You really were a lifesaver tonight.

You're welcome.

You know, Ty-Dy, you're really kinda different than your friends,

Lucki and Bodacia.

Oh well, only one of them is my friend,

but how am I different?

Well, you kinda remind me of those girls from back home.

You're not in such a hurry to get a guy into bed.

Oh, you know, Brock,

Lucki and I have an agreement

that if one of us is already seeing a guy,

that the other one doesn't go after him.

Well, I'm not seeing her right now.

I was hoping you'd say that.

You should have seen it, it really sucked.

First, she fell into the audience

and then she was making out on stage with my boyfriend.

Whoa, I'm really sorry I missed it now.

Don't forget I like extra mustard on my corn dog.

Okay, I'll be right back.

- Hey, guys. - Hi.

Smile if you had some last night.

Hey, I bought just one.

I thought we could share it.

Oh my God, it's worse than I thought.

What happened here?

Don't even bother asking.

Today we're going to learn "Chapter Seven: Teamwork."

Teamwork, yeah right.

Lucki, shut up!

Now, I'm going to assign you to work in pairs

at lifeguard stations along the shore.

This will be your temporary duty

during which time you will act like full-fledged lifeguards.

Yes, can we give babes mouth to mouth if necessary?

Yes, but you're on your own if they fight back!

Cool!

Now, choose your team partners now

or one will be assigned to you.

That's the easy part.

Thanks a lot for stealing my boyfriend.

Since when did he become your boyfriend?

Since you started chasing him.

Oh Lucki, grow up!

You can have all the rotten apples you want.

I just happen to have taken the last peach.

Show business sure has changed you.

I thought you were my friend.

Ew!

So, when she fell off the stage,

did she land on anyone?

Oh, who cares?

What a lousy summer this is turning into.

If Ty-Dy gets Brock and Bodacia gets Dek,

who does that leave me with?

Where am I gonna find a guy to hang out with?

Who do I call when I'm horny?

Maybe you're just overlooking the obvious.

Stop pointing to yourself so much.

Do you think what she did was right?

Well, think about that guy.

He can't carry on a conversation unless it's about corn.

She'll tire of him before the week,

hell, before the day is over.

Then you'll have him back.

I don't want him.

Then, what's the problem?

I don't want her to have him.

Augh! She makes me so mad!

So, are we doing your play again tonight?

No, it was one performance only.

Too bad, I was really getting into character.

Yunno, next time I'll remember to knock

before you say come in.

That would be a good idea.

Hey, you wanna do something later?

Sure, like what?

Well, you know, I hear there's this corn husking contest

down at the local country western bar.

I don't know, it sounds kinda dull.

Well, how do you know if you've never tried it?

Lifeguard, I need CPR!

Call 911.

Someone help me!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Help!

Help!

Oh my God, what do we do now?

Mouth to mouth, we learned it already.

- What happened? - Where am I?

It's all right, you're gonna be okay.

You saved my life.

All in a day's work.

Wait a minute, you're that guy that tripped me

when I was rollerblading.

- I oughta-- - Hey, watch it,

I just saved your life.

Then I guess we've even?

So we can be friends now?

I guess you didn't get your credit card bill yet.

- Friends? - Friends.

Hi, Lucki.

I'm busy with the new shipment of thongs,

what do you want?

I'm really sorry about last night.

I hope it doesn't come between us as friends.

I guess I just got all wrapped up in my show.

Wrapped up my boyfriend is more accurate.

I know, he was your date

and I had no right to go out with him.

It's very adult of you.

What made you come to your senses?

About an hour and a half of hearing about

a corn husking festival.

He's all yours.

I've made other plans.

What do you think of this one?

Oh, that looks nice.

I'm helping Dek pick a new swimsuit for lifeguard duty.

It's just one of the perks of the job.

So I see.

All right, enough peeking!

Oh Dek, let me help you with the next one!

Watch the counter, will you?

Lucki, what are you doing?

Don't tease me,

I've wanted you since the first day you came by.

This is hardly the place.

Don't worry, I've got everything taken care of.

What if somebody walks in on us?

Did you feel that aftershock?

As you know, this class comes to an end next week!

There are only enough positions on the lifeguard staff

to accommodate half of you.

If the decision were up to me,

none of you would be on it!

What do you mean?

I saved someone's life yesterday.

Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking!

As I said, the decision is not up to me.

Well, is it, like, up to Dek?

Because if it is, then there should be a slot for me.

What's that supposed to mean?

Actually, it's not up to me either.

Oh, too bad.

Every year we have a three-part competition

to select the next group of lifeguards.

The winners get the job,

the losers get to pursue other pointless careers,

such as mud wrestling or working in a bikini shop.

Hey, I work in a bikini shop!

Yeah, and I used to mud wrestle!

Then you won't be disappointed when you lose.

The first part of the competition

is a fundraiser for charity.

Whichever team brings in the most money wins that event!

Hey, Bodacia,

maybe you could sell some copies of your calendar.

Oh God, and give the proceeds to charity?

You've got to be kidding me.

The second event is beach conservation.

Each team will determine a problem that they see

and then they're gonna go about improving it.

- Conservation? - I don't get it.

You know, like if birds are eating your corn,

you put up a scarecrow.

Oh, okay, now I understand.

The final event is the obstacle course.

The two teams compete head to head against each other

to decide the winner.

The obstacle course is the most grueling

of all the events.

There's a possibility one of your teams

may not reach the finish line.

That's right, but the winning team captain

gets to take home the victory medal.

Oh my God, that's it!

I can be photographed with that medal

for the cover of my new calendar.

I can see it now,

"Twelve Months of Bodacia: Queen of the Beach."

Ugh, I'm gonna be sick.

Besides the medal, the winner will work alongside me

throughout the rest of the summer.

Oh, I'm feeling better.

So, who wants to be the two team captains?

You're wasting your time!

Shut up, you beach hoe!

Okay, Lucki and Bodacia.

The competition starts one week from today,

so choose your team members now!

Um,

we're gonna be called Bikini Wax.

Oh, and Bodacia, good luck.

Well, we're going to be called The Tidal Waves

and we're going to mop the coastline with your bleached--

Knock it off, you two!

Honestly, if I can't qualify for job-related stress,

then who can?

Okay, go for that one, bonehead!

Nice try, not!

Aren't you worried she's gonna win?

You know how good she is at volleyball.

Yeah, I already bet five bucks on their team.

Thanks for the vote of confidence,

but I have a secret weapon.

Dek's coming by later,

and I have ways of prying information out of him.

Gnarly.

The hell with sportsmanship and fair play.

I want that medal right here where it belongs now!

Could I get another look where you want that medal?

Knock it off, you pervert, and just pay attention.

We have just three events

and we can't afford to lose more than one.

I've already taken the liberty

of deciding on our fundraiser.

Hey, maybe we could have people bob for corn on the cob

and charge admission.

Oh, get a clue.

No, we're going to organize an organic food booth.

I'm sure the beachgoers will love health food.

Hey, you're not gonna make that same food

that you tried to feed me the other day, are you?

Yes, much more.

With any luck,

stupid Ty-Dy is gonna do some performance art.

Yeah, but what about the conservation event?

Oh yeah, so let's see.

We're gonna have to think of something really preachy

and self-righteous.

That way people can pretend that they really care about it

and give it a lot of lip service and do nothing about it.

Oh! Oh, yuck!

Will you look at this?

- What is that? - Oh God.

It's a fish covered in crude oil.

It's disgusting, it's vile, it's...

Wait, it's just what we need.

It is?

This could be our conservation event.

Cleaning off sea life from oil spills.

Oh my God, am I a genius or what?

- What? - I am gonna find out

who cleans off this oil

and that medal is as good as mine, hah!

Ew.

Oh Lucki, please?

Just one encore performance,

of "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's on Acid?"

It would be the perfect fundraiser.

A thousand times no!

I wanna win this competition.

Gotta come up with something better.

- Can you help me here? - In a minute.

I just need a hand.

In a second.

That's it! Hands Across Lucki!

Guys can pay five dollars each to put their hands across my body.

Oh, I can't wait until they reach the equator.

- That's disgusting. - Thanks.

What was it that you needed?

I was looking for the smallest legal bathing suit

that you have.

I wanna get an all-over tan without getting arrested.

That's it! The answer to our prayers!

Honey, you can have anything you want on the house.

- Gee, thanks! - You crazy woman.

- Lucki, what are you doing? - Have you lost your mind?

She just gave us the idea we've been looking for.

What? Giving away bikinis for free?

Trust me on this.

If Crucial comes up with a good conservation event,

we've got the competition cinched.

Stop it, Lucki! Stop it!

Oh please, just one hint.

I'm not gonna tell you what's on the obstacle course.

Just one clue.

If there's swimming on the obstacle course,

then roll your head around like this.

And if there's mouth to mouth,

then pat your head with one hand

and your stomach with the other.

This is ridiculous.

Oh please?

You don't want Bodacia to win and work with you.

Come on, you know I wanna see you win,

but the decision is based on who's the most qualified

for the job, not who gives the best--

I get the idea.

I just have to win, it's a personal vendetta.

So, what happened to chasing Mr. Cornfed?

Maybe something better came along.

Wait a minute, your psycho roommate's not around, is she?

Don't worry, she's gone for the night.

The water's fine, let's dive in.

Cut out the noise, c'mon.

- Quite a turnout this year! - I'll say.

I've never seen two teams more anxious to win before either.

Toss it here!

Step right up and get the healthiest food

that you've ever had in your whole life!

It's a taste sensation,

and all the proceeds go to charity.

Uh, what's in this?

Oh, it's scrumptious.

It's a seaweed, carob, and wheat paste shake.

Uhh, it doesn't sound very good.

Oh no, no, no, you couldn't be more wrong.

Look, why don't you try some

and show them what they're missing.

I'm not thirsty, really.

Drink it!

It's delicious, really.

See? So, who's man enough to buy one?

- Not me. - Go out there

and pretend you're a customer.

- What? - You heard me, do it!

I'd to try one of those drinks, young lady.

See, this weakling here

would like to try my delicious health drink

and become big and strong, just like you all should, yeah?

So, drink it all down.

Do I get a kiss first?

No, but you get a belt in the mouth if you don't.

See? Don't you just feel healthier already?

I was wondering, do you drink this stuff?

I sure do,

every day.

If you look like that, make mine a double.

Now we're talking! Here you go.

Attention people!

Step right up to the smallest legal bathing suit contest!

Bathing suits so small you won't believe your eyes!

Smaller than you've ever imagined.

It's not for the weak at heart,

so step right up, tickets are going fast.

- Come on, let's go. - Oh man, we cannot miss this.

Hey, hurry, hurry!

- I don't feel so good. - Yeah, me neither.

Shut up, can't you see we lost all our business?

I think I need to lie down.

Just do what you want,

but be ready for the next event, you got that?

I'm gonna put a stop to this right now.

Hey, bring us back some pictures of the winner!

So, what do you think of our contestants?

Merciful heavens!

Work it, girl! Yeah!

Give me the microphone!

All right, who's in charge here?

Uh, I am.

Well, we received an anonymous tip

that there was a smallest legal bathing suit contest.

Is that true?

Actually, it's the teeny-weenie bikini contest,

but I thought I saw a couple over there doing the Lambada,

isn't that the forbidden dance?

Cut the crap.

Now, proceed as you were.

We will arrest anyone who has a bathing suit

that is smaller than the law allows.

And I hope no one in this audience is drinking beer.

Uh...

Stall them.

Is there a Seymour Butts here?

Come on everyone, I wanna Seymour Butts!

- Hey, hey, hey, you! - Yeah, you too.

Give it. Come on, come on, come on.

Let's go! Now!

I just don't understand it.

Who would be so spiteful to call the cops on us?

I mean, what two-bit, conniving,

lowlife would wanna ruin a harmless fundraising event

like this one?

- Turn around. - Bodacia! I smell a rat!

Go ahead with your little contest.

It'll just be more official this way.

I'll get you for this!

All the girls on stage are wearing bathing suits

from my bikini shop.

Oh, and by he way, officer,

she was sunbathing topless the other day.

Isn't that a parole violation?

What? I never sunbathe topless.

- Excuse me? - You do in my dreams.

Let's get started.

Contestant number one, Ginger.

She is wearing the Eager Beaver.

Oh ho, butt floss. Disqualified!

Young lady, what would your mother think?

Oh, sorry about that, Ginger.

Our second contestant is Josie.

Doesn't she look smart in Big Assets?

Oh ho, camel toes. Disqualified!

Arrest her.

- You too, let's go. - Come on, over here.

I guess you should have done your research first.

Uh, next we have Heidi,

and she's modeling our new suit called Double Vision.

That is smaller than your bikini wax!

- Disqualified! - All right.

- Aw. - Sorry about that, girls.

We'll post your bail.

Oh, and next we have--

No, no no.

What are we gonna do now?

I'd like to be a last minute contestant.

- What? - You heard me.

You see, unlike the others,

my bathing suit is the smallest allowed by law.

So, what do you think, guys?

Never less than a half an inch wide.

Perfectly legal.

- Hey, watch it! - Sorry.

Yeah, let's hear it for Bovina the beach hoe!

- What? - That is Bodacia.

And be sure to look for my calendar out later this fall.

So, am I the winner or what?

Actually, the winner is determined

by whichever team brought in the most money for charity.

Your health food booth earned six dollars.

The bikini contest earned $240,

so the winner of the first round goes

to Lucki's team, Bikini Wax.

- Oh my God! - What?

- Congratulations. - Thank you!

- I want a recount! - Yeah, well,

we won and you're a dumb slut.

You are really gonna get it.

I can see why you didn't win in congeniality.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on, girls, break it up.

Save your energy for the next event.

- Let's go. - You wait here,

I'll go get the paddy wagon.

Isn't there any way out of this?

I'd do anything not to go to jail.

- Yeah, you tell him, Ginger. - Come on.

- I don't feel so hot. - Me neither.

Shut up!

I hope you researched this well.

No problem. We'll win it hands down.

Well, are you gonna tell us what you made yet?

No, I want you to be surprised like everyone else.

I don't like the sound of that.

Beach conservation is important to all of us.

Every year, our water becomes more polluted

and our shores more covered with litter.

Something has to be done to save our planet, damn it!

Okay, could you explain what we have here?

Certainly.

What we have here,

these fish were pulled out of the ocean just moments ago,

hopelessly covered in crude oil.

We are cleaning them and giving them a new lease on life.

- With a kitchen brush? - Mine's a toilet brush.

It's not their fault that they're the victims

of an oil spill.

They're God's creatures too.

Ow! God, get this dumb thing off me!

Get it off!

Now I see that as the perfect photo

for the cover of your calendar.

You go to hell!

Oh God!

Come on, show us what you made.

Okay, I know you're gonna love it.

Oh my God, what is it?

It's a collage of marine life.

See, there's shells, shells here, and--

Oh my God, you moron!

It's starfish! You glued it to the board, it's still alive!

Yeah, and this thing over here's still moving too.

Help me!

Didn't you know it was still alive?

I thought so when I was gluing it together,

but then I figured I was just hallucinating.

We can't show this, it's cruelty to animals.

If we don't think of something quick

we're gonna lose this event.

Okay, let's see what the next team has to offer.

Could we have a minute?

Our exhibit crawled away.

It did what?

- We made this and-- - Our entry for

the beach conservation event is this performance art.

Oh no, anything but that.

Oh yes, now we've got it won.

I am an oyster opening my shell for a grain of sand

so that I can make a pearl.

Won't somebody please take my pearl

and make a beautiful necklace.

Oh God, we're sunk.

Thank you, that was fine.

But I'm not done yet.

Oh yes, you are, and the winner of the second event

is Bodacia's team, Tidal Waves.

- Yeah! - Yes!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

One more to go.

I thought I told you no performance art.

It's like public access television without a camera.

Well, I thought I did a really good job,

especially considering it was only a cold reading.

I wonder if there were any Hollywood agents in the crowd.

Well, I liked it, especially the part where--

Shut up!

Okay people, line up by the water.

Our final event, the obstacle course, is next.

You two better be ready to swim

like you've never swam before.

Don't worry, Lucki, we won't let you down.

Hey, you think I have time for a quick beer?

All right, line up!

- The new teams. - This is it,

- I can taste victory already. - I think I need to lay down.

Yeah, I need to get to a hospital.

Will you two knock it off, you big crybabies?

Hey, Ty-Dy, we washed the squid off earlier

and put it back in the ocean just for you.

You shut up, sea hag.

Okay, okay, ladies, listen up.

This is it, this is the obstacle course.

You're gonna run to a marker down the shore,

you're gonna swim out to a point posted in the water

and you're gonna return right back here

to the starting point.

The first teammate to return

will win the event and the competition.

Then, let's do it!

Just a minute!

You must follow your lifeguard manuals completely,

or you will result in immediate disqualification.

That's true.

This is the final event, it's the tie breaker,

so wish each other luck.

- Eat my dust. - Lick my shorts.

And begin!

Oh, I think I need to have my stomach pumped.

What's the matter?

I had a really rancid drink earlier

and I feel like I'm dying.

You'll be all right.

Come on, let's get into the water.

I don't think I can make it.

- Go on without us. - The hell I will!

Come on, let's go, let's get in there now!

Hey, come on, you guys, let's go!

Stop wasting time, they're gonna win!

- This is a dilemma. - What's a girl to do?

Looks like we got a winner.

Yeah, I knew it would be me.

Just give me my medal,

I have a photo session waiting.

Stop!

Wait, here comes the other team.

Wait!

What happened here?

They were passed out in the water.

We couldn't just leave them there to drown!

But they're not even on your team.

We know. Bodacia just let them there.

Yeah, Ty-Dy gave me CPR and saved my life.

You mean you people actually learned something?

Watch this!

He just touched me in a place

where I've never been touched before.

You mean to tell me

that you just left your teammates down there to drown?

Yeah, what's the problem here?

You were supposed to follow some very basic rules,

and you forgot the most important one,

life guarding is not a spectator sport!

- You're disqualified! - What?

The winner of today's competition is Lucki's team,

Bikini Wax!

Oh my God!

You like me, you really like me!

I've got something for you later.

Oh man, I've got a date tonight!

Poor baby, let me nurse you back to health.

Yeah, and I got one too.

You see, Lucki?

I knew you could do it without any help from me.

And look at all these fringe benefits.

I think I need to see a doctor,

but I got a great idea for a new play.

We could call it "The Scarecrow and the Oyster."

Oh, that is brilliant!

Wait a second!

You mean to tell me that everybody here

has got a happy ending, what about me?

You are going to write in the sand,

"Lifeguarding is not a spectator sport," 5,000 times!

- Yeah? - Make me.

Thanks to you, I've been throwing up all day.

And you, you almost got us arrested!

And our beer got confiscated.

Let's go beat the hell out of her!

- Yeah! - Uh-oh!

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Some days can scare the dead ♪

♪ Some nights tying on my head ♪

♪ Looking back at another empty day ♪

♪ Like a tidal wave across the sea ♪

♪ Love comes crashing down on me ♪

♪ Baby, please don't ever go away ♪

♪ Looking for love along the beach ♪

♪ It seems like now it's in my reach ♪

♪ Don't rescue me from your love ♪

♪ Although you're in the sea of love ♪

♪ And you're the one I'm thinking of ♪

♪ You carry me across every wave ♪

♪ I've never felt like this before ♪

♪ I'm feeling like a victim on the shore ♪

♪ I'm the girl that only you can save ♪

♪ Looking for love along the beach ♪

♪ It seems like now it's in my reach ♪

♪ Don't rescue me from your love ♪

♪ Don't rescue me from your love ♪

♪ Don't rescue me, baby, from your love ♪

♪ Looking for love along the beach ♪

♪ It seems like now it's in my reach ♪

♪ Don't rescue me from your love ♪

♪ Come to me and take my hand ♪

♪ Walk along the summer sand ♪

♪ Don't rescue me from your love ♪

♪ Looking for love along the beach ♪

♪ It seems like now it's in my reach ♪

♪ Don't rescue me from your love ♪

♪ Come to me and take my hand ♪

♪ Walk along the summer sand ♪

♪ Don't rescue me from your love ♪