Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, what's got Sal on the scent?

There's a skunk in here?

[ Laughter ]

Why is Joe keeping his eyes wide open?

[ Laughter ]

And which losing Jokers will do a bang-up job

in tonight's double punishment?

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Today we're at Lot Less

approaching shoppers and telling them

they look like a character from a TV show or movie

that doesn't exist.

The goal is to get the person on videotape

saying the character's fake "catchphrase."

If you can't get them to record the catchphrase,

you lose.

Q: You're done.

Q: All right, here we go.

Coconut oil?

Oh, yeah, I think we might be sold out of that, dear.

Thank you. Oh, no problem.

Oh, my God, this woman's all over you.

I mean, I'll help you.

This aisle has a lot of good chocolates in it

if you're looking.

[ Laughter ]

Sal, "You know, you look like you're on a TV show."

Are you, uh, an actress.

I think you are.

"Aren't you on the show 'Drug Mule or Pregnant'?"

There's a show on TV. I'm gonna tell you.

it's a show called "Drug Mule or Pregnant."

Oh, my God.

The guys go on a date with two girls,

and they have to decide which one's pregnant,

and which one's the drug mule.

[ Laughter ]

There's a catchphrase in the show all the time.

"There's a skunk in here!"

Every episode at the end, she goes,

"There's a skunk in here!"

Murr: [ Laughs ]

You know what, no, no, no.

[ Laughter ]

My brother -- If he saw you doing the catchphrase,

he would think it's the funniest thing.

if I sent him -- if you went, "There's a skunk in here!"

That would be so funny.

Yes, no problem. Don't take my picture.

Okay, oh, don't? Don't?

Ohh. It's all right.

Wait, oh!

There's a skunk in here!

Oh, you're the best.

[ All cheering ] Oh, wow!

Thank you. You're the sweetest. Thank you.

-Wow, Sal. -Unbelievable.

Hi, you guys need help with anything?

I love the show.

Woman: What show?

"Surfstitute Teacher."

Q: "Surfstitute Teacher." [ Laughs ]

It's about a cool,

Hawaiian shirt-wearing substitute teacher

who surfs in on summer vacation.

He comes in, he's got a catchphrase.

He says...

"Surf's up, asshats."

[ Chuckles ]

He goes, "Surf's up, asshats!"

Would you do me a favor? Woman: Mm-hmm.

Could you do a video with me where you're like,

"Surf's up, asshats"?

Please. Watch, watch, watch.

Hey, honey, guess who I found.

Could you just say it real quick for me?

"Surf's up, asshats."

-Ahh! -Ahh!

Surf's up, asshat.

You lose, asshat.

[ Laughter ]

I just work here. They wouldn't let me manage.

[ Laughter ]

Everyone could hear you.

It's not very professional, in my opinion.

So it's the "surf's up" part?

It's the "asshat."

[ Laughter ]

"Asshat's" a bad one, huh? Woman: Ask this lady if she thinks that's a bad one.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Remember that show "Surf's Up"

where the guy says "asshat" all the time?

[ Laughs ]

I said it too loud.

Do you think that's professional?

No.

So "surf's up" is fine.

"Surf's up" is fine.

"Surf's up" is fine. The "asshat" I didn't...

Sal: [ Laughing ] This is hysterical.

They're having a dead-serious conversation!

Q: Right. There's a difference between

what you say in the break room

and what you say out on the... Right, right.

They're ganging up on Q. I got his back. Yeah?

I got his back. Yeah.

I shouldn't say that? I shouldn't say...?

Woman: In a loud voice. You can say it in the street, you know.

Right. And the yelling.

Joe: Surf's up, asshat!

-Is that your boss? -That's my manager.

That's...

Now I see where you get it. Right, right.

Forget what I said. Right, right, right.

[ Laughter ]

"Forget what I said." "Forget what I said."

Surf's up, asshat.

[ Both laughing ]

We have converted them!

We'll give you the thumbs up. [ Laughs ]

The Ferrero Rocher is a mess.

I am getting this aisle back together.

I do a lot of work on this show. Let me tell you.

I work a lot.

He's patting himself on the back

for putting chocolate straight.

[ Laughter ]

I can't take it.

You guys good?

Do you need help with anything?

Oh, my God, you look --

You look just like that actress on TV.

You have a twin.

It's -- The show is, uh...

"Dumb-Dumbs Atlanta."

The show is "Dumb" -- "Dumb-Dumbs Atlanta."

It's one of those spin-off shows. You look like...

"The lady that ate a urinal cake."

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] You look...

There was this character -- this woman.

She was outrageously funny.

She's the one that ate the urinal cake

on the show. [ Laughter ]

I swear she's your twin.

She has a famous catchphrase in it.

"My kids will never forgive me for the things I done."

[ Laughter ]

She -- Her catchphrase -- Her catchphrase is,

"My kids will never forgive me for the things I done."

[ Laughter ]

My wife is a huge fan of this woman.

Can I record a video of you real quick

once -- just saying the one catchphrase?

She's gonna die laughing tonight when I show it to her.

Okay. Oh, you're the best.

Okay, ready? Ready?

I'm recording, and go.

My kids will never forgive me for the things I've done.

You are the best!

[ All cheering ]

He got it!

"Dumb-Dumbs Atlanta"!

[ Laughter ]

These are all...

Murr: Don't mess up my work!

Are you kidding me?!

[ Laughter ]

Don't mess up the Ferrero Rocher!

[ Laughter ]

This is --

No, this is a different flavor, so it's more.

This is... $2.99.

Are you an actor?

Are you an actor? [ Laughter ]

What? An actor. Are you on TV?

You look like a guy on this show I watched. Oh?

"Fatty Goes to the Mall."

The show is called "Fatty Goes to the Mall."

He's got this catchphrase --

the character he plays in it.

"Get your white ass out this bitch!"

He -- He goes, uh...

[ Laughter ]

♪

He's got this catchphrase --

This is the character he plays in it.

"Get your white ass out this bitch!"

He -- He goes, uh,

to everybody that walks in the door,

he goes, "Get your white ass out this bitch!"

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, it's great. But you look just like him.

It's a funny show. You should check it out.

Okay. Any chance I get to video you saying that?

"Get your white ass out this bitch."

Oh, no.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Go ahead. Your turn.

Get your white ass out this bitch.

No, that's okay. That's okay.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, no. Okay, thank you.

Right there. You were right there.

Hey, are you an actress?

You look like -- Do you get this a lot?

No. You ever see that...?

Oh, that movie -- "Twelve Honkies."

"Twelve" -- It's "Twelve Honkies."

[ Laughter ]

No, you've never seen it? No?

No, it's -- Bruce Willis is in blackface and goes --

comes back in time to Philadelphia,

and he gets shot.

Credits roll. That's it.

[ Laughter ]

No, you look just like the -- the woman in it.

It's got the catchphrase.

"Night, night, ding-dong."

Uh, catchphrase at the end,

she goes, "Night, night, ding-dong," and...

[ Laughter ]

You know what, I got an idea.

Can I get a quick video of you just saying,

"Night, night, ding-dong" for my wife?

She'd get a kick out of it. No?

I'm sure she would, but no, thanks.

No? No, thanks? Okay.

[ Laughter ]

Night, night, ding-dong!

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: It's night, night for Joe.

He's first up on the loser board.

Today we're meeting one-on-one with strangers

to conduct psychological experiments.

But we're gonna be the ones that seem crazy

because we're gonna be doing what the other guys tell us to.

If at any point,

you refuse to do anything that you're told,

you lose.

Murr: You guys ready? Let's go.

It certainly looks more magical

when -- when you don't show it. Yeah. Yeah.

Joe: Here we go. Hey, how are you?

How you doing? Sal. Claude.

Claude. Pleasure to see you.

What we do here is we run surveys,

and we use that as a baseline

for when we do actual testing.

"I like to start my sessions with an icebreaker."

We'll start with an icebreaker. That's what I like to do.

"We're gonna sit across from each other silently."

So we'll sit across from each other silently.

"And we're gonna visualize each other being tortured."

And we're going to, uh...

...visualize each other being tortured.

Uh, so we'll begin.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Oh, my God, this is weird.

Q: [ Chuckles ]

Joe: [ Laughs ]

So weird.

Let's talk about loved ones.

[ Laughter ]

I'm gonna walk you through a couple of scenarios.

"How many fingers do you wish I was holding up?"

How many fingers do you wish I was holding up?

Two.

Two.

[ Laughter ]

"Hopeless. Hopeless." Hopeless.

Hopeless.

[ Laughter ]

Slurp your tea.

[ Slurping ]

Murr: "I will tell you..."

I will tell you...

"...it is my professional opinion..."

...it is my -- hmm, let's see.

[ Laughs ] He knows something's coming.

[ Laughter ]

Yep.

I will tell you it is my professional opinion.

"...you have West Nile Virus."

[ Laughter ]

...after what I've gathered,

it is my professional opinion

that you do have West Nile Virus.

[ Laughter ]

[ Slurping ]

Q: [ Laughs ]

How are you today?

Doing pretty good. How are you? I'm great. Thank you.

Have you ever gone to a psychoanalyst before?

No. Do you know what we do?

Blair is... On our team.

...Is someone that we got to come in

and just flirt with Murray on purpose.

Okay, this gonna be exciting. It's fun.

"Would you describe yourself as a good girl?"

Would you describe yourself

as a -- a good -- a good person?

Yes. You would?

So a good girl? Absolutely.

"Oh, that's funny 'cause I like good girls."

It's funny 'cause I -- I like good girls.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Describe your personality to me in your own words.

How -- How do you see yourself.

I'm a lot of fun. [ Chuckling ] Okay.

[ Laughs ]

Pretty. Pretty!

[ Laughs ]

"Are you describing me?"

Sounds like you're des--

Sounds like you're describing me.

[ Laughter ]

Maybe -- Maybe I am.

No, only --

I'm only these things because I'm sitting next to you,

if we remember, so...

Don't give me all the credit.

Are we just watching Murray fall in love?

Is that what we're doing? [ Laughter ]

He is hook, line, and sinker right now.

So, pretty. Okay.

"Now, put these two colors together."

Now, put these two colors together.

Q: "Black and white."

[ Laughter ]

Black and white.

Black and white.

Ooh! "By the way. By the way."

Oh, by the way... "This is all confidential."

This is all confidential, as I mentioned, okay?

"But I can't promise I'm not gonna tell bae."

But I can't promise

I won't tell bae about today.

I'm kidding. [ Laughs ]

I'm bae-less. Okay, as am I.

As are you. So, yeah.

So we are sans bae.

We are sans bae.

Stop trying. Please stop.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna throw up.

I'm getting uncomfortable. I'm getting uncomfortable.

"Have you ever taken a Horshart test?"

Joe: Horshart?

Horshart? Horshart test!

Have you ever -- Have you ever ever --

Have you ever taken a Horshart test?

Horshart? Horshart.

Say it slowly. "Hor."

Hor.

"Shart." Shart.

You ever take one?

[ Laughing ] No.

[ Laughs ]

Have you -- Have you ever seen "Hamilton"?

I haven't seen it. We should go sometime.

That would be really great. All right!

What the hell are you doing? What the hell are you doing?

All right, what's your favorite restaurant in the city?

Dos Caminos. Dos Caminos! Okay!

I've been there many times.

I've had many margaritas there.

We should also go there for dinner.

We could make a whole day out of it.

We could go to dinner and then go see "Hamilton"

and that would be a lot of fun. Are you serious?

Yeah. There is a serious connection right now.

Like, no joke. There really is.

Q: Okay, Blair. Great job.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.

Was that not real?

That wasn't real?!

That wasn't real?!

She's our actress.

That wasn't real?!

Sal: You're done,

and I've never been more uncomfortable on this show

than watching you trying to flirt with her.

[ Laughter ]

Hi. How are you? Hi.

What's your name? Gabrielle.

Gabrielle, pleased to meet you. Have a seat.

Have you ever done a Rorschach?

I know what it is, but I've never done it. Okay, great.

Joe, reach into the M&M's

and pull out the glasses I put in there.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, sorry.

[ Laughter ]

I don't know how they ended up in there.

[ Laughing ] That's a great place for them.

Cross your eyes.

All right, here we go.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: What are you doing with your eyes?

You're just looking.

I see a face. Joe: You see a face? Or what is it?

And the face kind of looks...

-[ Laughs ] -You look so funny.

Cross them. You know how to cross your eyes?

I don't really know how to, so...

[ Laughter ]

Human or animal?

What is that graffiti artist?

Oh, the Old Bay one. Yeah.

Sal: You look like you're coming in and out of consciousness.

Got it. The boogey mask.

Yeah, it looks lifelike.

[ Laughter ]

Joe, the next time you flip it, go,

"What about these [bleep] dots?"

Real quick, what about these [bleep] dots?

This one here. These [bleep] dots.

[ Laughs ]

Put these back.

[ Laughter ]

And where are you from? New Orleans.

"I bought this jacket in New Orleans."

Actually, I think I bought this jacket in New Orleans.

Oh, well, there, you see, good taste. Yeah, that's...

"Oh, shut up."

It's a good look.

Shut up.

[ Laughter ]

I got this watch there, too.

I do like the watch, actually.

"Oh, shut up."

Oh, sh-- shut up.

[ Laughter ]

Joe, ask her something, and then go, "no, shut up."

[ Laughter ]

Let's talk about

what you would consider your daydream spot to be,

like, a happy place.

I actually got a good one. Shut up.

[ Laughter ]

Now, tell me about your father.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, hi.

"Welcome to my game of cat-and-mouse."

Welcome to my game of cat-and-mouse.

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

How long have you lived here?

It's going to be two months.

Go "gangster" and play air guitar.

Gangster, you know?

[ Imitates guitar riff ]

[ Laughter ]

"I'm gonna throw a thetical right at you."

I'm gonna throw a thetical at you.

"But it's not gonna be from me."

But it's not gonna be from me.

"It's gonna be from my buddy..."

It's gonna be from my buddy...

"...Mini Q." ...Mini Q.

Yeah, go into that green box to your right.

Take him out.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: What?!

This is a thetical from Mini Q.

[ Laughs ]

Hey. Okay. All right.

If you were walking in a park,

and you heard a bird chirp,

do you look up?

There's more. There's more.

Well, hold on.

Do you look up? Do you look down?

Do you look left? Or do you look right?

I look where the sound is coming from.

Okay, okay, um, let's not go off-script.

"That's right." Shake her hand.

That's right. Good job.

[ Laughter ]

That was completely useless.

[ Knock on door ]

Good afternoon, there, Brian.

[ Laughter ]

Good afternoon, there, Brian.

♪

Good job.

[ Laughter ]

That was completely useless.

[ Knock on door ]

Good afternoon, there, Brian.

Sal: [ Laughs ]

These are two of our buddies.

Listen, you can't keep doing this.

We told you.

What happened? Can you tell me?

This is -- It's still under investigation.

What do you mean? Just -- It can't keep happening.

Why is it under investigation?

I should know that. Oh, no, no.

You're in -- You're not in any danger or anything.

It's just, you know...

Who was that?

I rocked too hard once.

Do they keep coming in like this?

They're investigating my rock-itude --

my general rock-itude.

Just do air-guitar motion, but don't make any noise.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Keep playing. Keep playing.

[ Laughter ]

Take out the Rorschach tests.

Ever done a Rorschach test?

Uh, no. Okay.

What do you see?

A woman.

"Wait a second. This is the wrong test.

This is the test we give to smart people." Yeah.

Wait, wait, you know what.

This is the -- This is the wrong set.

This is the one -- This is the one I give stupid people,

and that's not you.

[ Laughter ]

Got him.

That's not you.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: Q rocked his way to a loss,

which means it's time for a double punishment.

All right, Joe and Q lost,

so today we are at the Prudential Center

for the Seton Hall Pirates basketball game.

Guys, for your punishment,

you've got to join the Marching Cobras of New York

for their halftime show.

We have to perform? How many people are here?

Like, 30? About 7,000.

Oh, yeah. It's about 7,000 people.

Q: Oh, well, that's not making me feel any better now.

♪

Sal: [ Laughs ]

We're moments away.

You guys ready? Murr: 3, 2, 1.

[ Buzzer blares ] Halftime.

Here we go!

Oh, they're already nervous.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome onto the floor

the Marching Cobra Drumline.

Now, the Marching Cobras of New York --

They are the real deal.

Polished, professional.

And then there's these two. [ Laughs ]

It's important to note that only the band leader

knows that Joe and Q are infiltrating the band.

Also, we threw hats on them.

They look ridiculous.

[ Laughs ]

Ohh.

My balls. My balls.

Sal: Good, it's a punishment.

Away with your balls.

[ Drumline plays ]

All: Get some!

[ Drum rhythm plays ]

[ Laughter ]

Look at this guy.

He's like, "Who the [bleep] are these guys?"

Murr: Q looks like the march of the wooden soldiers.

Get in between them. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Both laughing ]

I got to give credit to the marching band. Yeah.

They're staying the course.

They're not even, like -- No, they're in it.

Get into it.

Joe: Whoo!

Q: Whoo!

Murr: I can't hear you, Joe.

Joe: I said nice!

Whoo!

Sal: [ Laughs ]

Whoo!

I like how they're just like, "The show must go on."

Joe: Whoo!

[ Laughs ] Q!

[ Both laughing ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Drum battle! Drum battle!

[ Laughs ]

Joe: Drum battle!

[ Both drumming off-rhythm ]

[ Both laughing ]

Murr: That's the lamest thing.

Sal: [ Laughs ] They look ridiculous.

Hey, guys, also, you're gonna be dancing next.

What?

[ Both laugh ]

What?

Joe: Drum battle!

[ Both drumming off-rhythm ]

Sal: That's the lamest thing!

Look at this.

Hey, guys, you're gonna be dancing next.

[ Both laugh ] What?

Joe: I got nothing left.

[ Drum rhythm plays ]

Why are we dancing?

Sal: [ Laughs ]

Joe: [Bleep] [Bleep]

Sal: [ Laughs ]

Bring in the sequins.

Oh, come on.

♪

Murr: Come on, guys. Get into position.

Q: I still got drumsticks.

♪

Let's see you keep up with the dancers.

Sal: Do exactly what they do.

Q: Whoo! What?

Joe: Okay, do it!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Sal: Oh, my God.

[ Both laughing ]

Back dat ass up, Q.

[ Both laugh ]

Guys, copy everything they're doing.

Look at Joe.

Joe, we can't even see your eyeballs.

Your hat is so low.

It's just a nose.

[ Laughs ]

[ Both laugh ]

Q, Q, right now back on drums.

[ Drumming ]

[ Laughs ]

Look at Joe! Look at Joe!

Yes!

[ Both laugh ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Run! Run!

♪

Run!

[ Both laughing ]

Welcome to "Impractical Insider."

Q and Joe just got punished right here,

and now you get to see a behind-the-scenes look of how it happened.

And I'll give you bonus footage from tonight's episode.

Geoff: It's a more complicated punishment than usual

because two Jokers are actually gonna be out there.

Ooh. So it's --

We need facial expressions from both, right?

Yes, it's gonna be --

It's twice the coverage in that way.

It's gonna be that much more fun, though, as well.

[ Both laugh ]

I'll tell you about today's punishment.

This is revenge. Ah.

So the last time, if you remember,

it was Sal and I were the ones that got punished.

That's right. That's right.

Do you remember what? The helicopter.

Ohh! Oh, Murray goes down!

Aah! Aah!

Joe: Sal!

That's from the helicopter? That's from the helicopter --

when I fell on the runway. Oh, when you fell when you were running.

When they had me in the fat suit.

Scar still to this day.

That was two years ago at this point.

It still bleeds, the scar.

[ Drumming ]

You are in on this, right,

but the marching band does not know what's happening.

That's right. Absolutely.

What's that like keeping a secret?

It's funny 'cause I know their reactions.

I'm actually -- I can't wait for the moment.

[ Both laugh ]

Sal: All right, here we go. Three, two, one.

[ Laughs ] All right, tonight, Q and Joe lost.

You have got to join the Marching Cobras of New York

while they do their halftime show.

I hope these Cobras don't bite.

Ah! What if they bite?

[ Both laugh ]

You know it's not gonna go as well as you think it is.

No, it's not. It's definitely not.

There's definitely gonna be --

The problem is there's a lot of people here,

and I'm also not in peak physical condition. Right.

What part is the scariest to you --

the band part or the marching? This interview.

You better just hold your [bleep] out there.

That's all I'm saying.

We have a reputation to uphold.

What? What reputation are you talking about?

Wait, wait, which one of you guys is Nick Cannon?

I'm no Nick Cannon.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome onto the floor

the Marching Cobra Drumline.

Murr: Here we go!

[ Drum rhythms play ]

All: Get some!

It's going now.

[ Both drumming off-rhythm ]

Sal: [ Laughs ]

Joe: Drum battle!

What?!

[ Both laugh ]

He can't break it! Sal: Break the drumstick!

Q: Hey! Oh!

Murr: Oh-ho!

Oh, my God! [ Laughs ]

Announcer: The Marching Cobras, plus two.

[ Laughs ]

Any you guys ever heard of "Impractical Jokers"?

Those are two guys from the "Impractical Jokers."

[ All shouting ] Yeah. Yeah.

We were so confused.

Your director, Terrel -- He put you guys up to this.

-Are you serious? -That's crazy.

Man: That's crazy, man.

[ All shouting ]

Give it up for him.

[ Cheers and applause ]

The catchphrase is, "Hey, I used to have hair."

"You put down those lady parts."

"Guac me in la cabeza."

"I think I broke my book!"

[ Southern accent ] "Life is like a box of tampons."

[ Blows raspberry ]

[ Normal voice] In the movie show, he says,

"Guten tag. Champagne, por favor."

He always says, "That's a lot of pork!"

"Pull me to the toilet, Alphonse.

I'm about to blow."

You know?

"Oh, yeah,

I know a bag of nickels when I see one."

"Hubba, hubba, chubby bubba."

"Eduardo don't believe in no evolution."

Joe: Surf's up, asshat!

♪