Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, why is Q at a loss for words?

[ Laughing ]

Wait for it.

What does Murr look like with a full head of hair?

Sal: Oh, my God!

Narrator: And which joker will connect with his inner loser

in tonight's punishment?

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Today, we're at Focus Pointe Global,

competing head to head

as TV executives pitching our latest ideas.

The goal is to convince a roomful of strangers

that your ideas are better than the other guy's.

The catch is that we have no idea what we're pitching

'cause our show ideas have been written by our opponents.

At the end, we'll ask the group

to vote for which one of us had the better ideas.

Whoever gets the fewest votes loses.

Guys, it's a show about four friends

since high school, right? There's one that --

-Pass! Pass! -No, no, no!

Joe: Here we go.

I have a distinct advantage here,

because I have worked as a development executive

for a TV company for a decade. That's right.

A few of these ideas are his real own stupid ideas.

[ Laughter ]

-Hi, guys. -Thank you, guys, for coming.

We're going to pitch you ideas for TV shows and movies.

I will start. This one is "Lil' Cheaters."

Watch the tears spill as 7-year-olds

who have just committed to their first boyfriends and girlfriends

see hidden-camera footage that reveals

their first significant other being unfaithful.

[ Joe and Q laugh ]

Come on. [ Laughs ]

They're 7, though.

Fidelity knows no age.

[ Joe and Q laugh ]

First one I'd like to pitch is "Not So Shrimple, Is It?"

[ Both laugh ]

In each episode of this docu-soap,

a different family is given an excess of leftover shrimp.

What will they do with all the extra shrimp?

[ Laughter ]

We'll keep going. We've got a, uh...

[ Laughter ]

"Jamaican Batman," a.k.a. "Botmon."

[ Both laugh ]

It's the classic story of Batman reggae-fied.

"'Jamaican' me crazy for my dead parents."

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah, it's like -- You know, it's like the Jamaican Batman.

This is backfiring, Sal, so bad! Wow.

If you love that, you're gonna love this one.

By the way, that color pink looks great on you.

[ Laughter ]

Sal's trying to curry favor by complimenting people.

In this crime drama, 15 Nobel Prize winners

suddenly drop dead from heat exhaustion

at the Miss America Pageant.

When the Nobel Prize winners later show up

at the Nathan's Hot Dog Competition,

no one knows what to think except for Stephen Hawking,

who can walk again but won't reveal how.

"Nobel Gases."

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah, it's too highbrow.

Oh-ho! Too highbrow.

Okay. Next -- "Samantha Brown Does It Again."

Everyone's favorite travel host, Samantha Brown,

is back, doing it again.

[ Both laugh ]

She was in that show that ran for like eight seasons,

"Samantha Brown Does It."

[ Laughing ]

This is a sequel, "Samantha Brown Does It Again."

What does she do?

She travels the world, explores different cultures, places.

She does it. She does it.

-Is it the same show over? -Again.

Again. She does it again.

It's going to all the same places

she already was in all the other episodes?

Again.

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah.

Doesn't make any sense. I don't care if --

I don't care if it's a documentary. I love these stories.

That shirt's [bleep] on you, by the way.

[ Both laugh ]

Q: Sal's going down, and he knows it!

Here we go. "Doc, Make My Abs Hairy."

This is a new reality show.

Women all over the world

are flocking to make their abs hairy...

Q: Women are?

...in this elective cosmetic procedure

that's taken the world by storm.

And this documentary traces its origins from 2005 to modern-day.

[ Laughter ]

How much hair? Mustache hair or full hair?

We're not gonna full -- Not a full Groucho.

[ Laughing ]

Joe: What does that even mean?

Okay. Which one of our ideas

do you think are more marketable or more likely to be used?

I would say his.

You would say James. Okay.

-You would also say James. -I say James.

[ Ding! ]

Joe: Murr wins it.

Thank you, sir. You know what, though?

You look like a million bucks.

[ Buzzer ]

And we work in the entertainment industry.

And we're basically just trying

to get feedback of who has the better ideas.

Murr: Now, Joe wrote all Q's ideas...

And Q wrote all Joe's.

Okay. This one's "Pound Town."

Just outside of London, a group of obese people

run a kill shelter in this daily two-hour dramedy.

-"Daily two-hour dramedy"? -It's on every day.

When the money is tight and the dogs are gone,

what will Mr. and Mrs. Pound do for money and food?

That could be an interesting one.

[ Both laugh ]

So, this is called "Shallow Drowning."

Follow three ministers as they set off on a pilgrimage

to bring faith to a sinking island.

The residents are cannibals,

and the ministers are chubby, and the tide is rising.

[ Laughter ]

-[ Laughs ] -Okay.

-Sounds awful. -"It sounds awful."

Just from an interest standpoint,

people know what it is.

That's something they're gonna watch.

What?

Somebody get eaten this week? How far is it gonna sink?

Maybe it will sink this week while we're watching.

[ Both laugh ]

All right. I'm up. "Tickle Me Timbers."

From executive -- [ Laughs ]

Just the title gets me every time.

[ Laughter ]

Right. Okay. All right, I'm up.

"Tickle Me Timbers." From executive --

[ Laughs ]

Just the title gets me every time.

From executive producer Chuck Sharts, "Tickle Me Ti--"

[ Both laugh ]

"Tickle Me Timbers" is so funny.

[ Both laugh ]

Murr: [ Laughing ] The plant! Get the plant out of the way!

"Tickle Me Timbers" is an imaginative reinvention

of a Somali pirate hijacking Captain Phillips.

In each episode, we see pirates taking a new ship

and breaking hearts as they break all the rules.

"Tickle Me Timbers."

[ Both laugh ]

That sounds the best out of all the ideas so far.

All right. Go ahead, bud. You're up.

This is, "Hola Mami! Where Are You?"

Alice is a savvy businesswoman

who is too busy for a relationship.

Mike... [ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

Mike pretends to be a gay, blind Puerto Rican man

in order to get close to Alice...

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ] ...the woman of his dreams.

[ Both laugh ]

So...

-That would work. -Yeah, that'd work.

[ Laughter ]

All right, if you liked -- if you like that,

you're gonna love "In the Dog House."

A former salesman with an eating disorder

has his life ruined when his foreign --

when his foreign wife

can't stop bringing home bichon frises and spending money,

driving him into madness

and murdering in this harrowing drama.

[ Laughing ] It's Joe! It's a description of Joe!

-This sounds like -- -My life.

I probably would watch it. Is it a comedy?

Make no mistake -- there's nothing funny about this one.

Yeah, this is just a straight-up drama.

[ Both laugh ]

You're up. I'm gonna take a little time.

It's called "Chillin' With Mr. Broadway,"

and it's a multi-cam comedy

which brings Morgan Freeman back to series television

as a mythical and mystical Lord of Broadway.

Each episode deals with...

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughs ] Continue.

[ Laughter ]

-Go ahead. It's great. -I wanna hear it.

Each episode deals with the Lord of --

[ Laughing ]

-Hold on. -Wait for it.

[ Laughter ]

He's gone!

-Here, I'll help you out. -I can't even read it!

Each episode deals with the Lord of Broadway's

ever-growing harem of chorus girl and choir boys,

in which he secretly controls

New York City's financial nucleus.

[ Both laugh ]

That makes no sense.

It's Morgan Freeman. You can't beat.

I mean, Morgan Freeman's played those kind of roles

the last 20 years.

Yeah, he plays good roles.

[ Both laugh ]

So, if you had to pick one,

who would you say has the more marketable ideas?

I'm gonna go with yours.

Mine? Okay.

-Tiebreaker. -Yeah, yours.

Me? Oh, that's me!

Oh, you got one, though.

Murr: Joe wins.

Narrator: Sal and Q struck out on these pitches,

so they're first up on the loser board.

Today, we're teaming up behind the counter

at Hill Country Barbecue in downtown Brooklyn.

While working the counter, we'll have to do and say

what the other team tells us.

If you refuse to do or say anything, you lose.

What they said.

♪

Murr: Sal, help this guy out,

but, Joe, keep almost falling backward.

To stay or to go? To stay, all right.

And what was it?

[ Both laugh ]

You look like a psychopath.

-Whoa! -All right.

-Good? -Yeah, you're good, you're good.

Watch your step, man.

Wh-o-o-o-oa!

Murr: This is not working, but it is --

Whoops, Joe! Look out, look out, Joe!

-Whoa! Whoa! -Stop doing it.

He's just doing it 'cause it's so bad.

-Who are you doing it for? -Oh, yeah.

Q: All right, Sal, no matter who comes up next,

just inform them that you don't normally serve

intoxicated customers,

but if they behave, you'll let them eat.

-Is she drunk? -I think she looks drunk to Sal.

It's to-go, then?

All right, that's good, though, because if you're intoxicated,

you cannot eat in the establishment.

And it's nothing personal.

I'm not intoxicated.

Right. But we'll have it saved to-go.

Murr: Oh, my God.

The thing is, just, if someone's here intoxicated,

then we can't have them eating...

Joe, mime whatever Sal's saying.

So we can't have people who are intoxicated...

-Coming here. -...here.

No, just the drunks.

No, just the drun-- just the drunks.

Just the people who have been drinking.

Say, "Sure," and wink -- 1, 2, 3.

Both: Sure.

[ Laughter ]

You have a good day.

[ Both laugh ]

-A half chicken? -Yes.

Guys, you think this guy needs a deejay at his wedding?

Just in case you're in the market --

I'm not sure where you stand at --

but if you're looking to get married, I deejay.

-He's sick at them. He's sick. -Yeah.

Sal, you're his hype man.

-I'm his hype man. -Really?

Yeah, I'd be nothing without him.

He's done all my weddings.

Oh, yeah? All your weddings?

-Yeah. -Three. Wow.

My first wedding, she slept with the deejay.

My first wedding, she slept with the deejay.

Yeah, that was my bad. I didn't realize that they were that serious.

But that's how we became friends. That's how we met up.

[ Laughing ] Second wedding, deejay.

-Yeah, we're tight. -Second wedding...deejay.

Yeah, but that one wasn't my fault, if I'm gonna be honest.

[ Both laugh ]

Okay, if you need me, I'm here on Tuesdays.

-Hey, Joe? -Yeah?

Whoa! Whoa!

Doesn't make any sense.

-Whoa! -Whoa!

-It's so slippery. -It's beyond stupid.

Q: Sal, say loudly -- ready? --

"You know the one tattoo I would never get?"

You know the one tattoo I would never get?

A neck tattoo.

[ Laughter ]

No, I'm not saying that.

[ Both laugh ]

So, that's it? You give up? You're done?

Joe, you know what screams criminal to me?

You know what screams criminal to me?

A neck tattoo.

-[ Both laugh ] -No. No.

Keep it to -- Keep it to people on that side of the counter.

[ Buzzer ] Yeah, that's it.

So, today, we came in, and we saw this thing.

It is fake hair that you apply.

And so we made Murray

put on a full head of hair today using this.

So, let's see Murray with hair.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God!

We made Murray put on a full head of hair today using this.

So, let's see Murray with hair.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God!

-Come on. -Oh, my God.

You know what you look like? You look like Curious George.

[ Laughter ]

It's weird, man!

Does that look real to people that don't know you?

-Because it looks real. -Yeah.

You don't even know what it's like being in its presence.

[ Both laugh ]

Q: Lunch rush is over.

Joe: You guys just hanging out by yourselves down there?

Who is that? Shaw-- Is the new guy's name Shawn?

Which guy?

Could they send Shawn over here?

-This kid works on the show? -Come here.

-Shawn, get over here. -Stick this in your ear.

-Come on behind the counter. -What?

Come behind the counter. You're working.

-Wait. What are you doing? -Stick that in your ear.

[ Laughter ]

You're on camera. We're off shift.

Well, I must say, this is quite the turn of events.

Well, there's no customers. What are we gonna do?

-You can hear us, Shawn? -Yeah.

Joe: Just turn to the guy on the right there.

Tell him that his neck tattoo is lame.

Oh, wait. Hey, Shawn, let me ask you a question.

It's not that easy, is it?!

No, no!

[ Laughing ]

-How are you? -Hi.

Just a rack of ribs?

Shawn, say, "Speaking of rack of ribs,"

and then point at the woman's boobs.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Laughter ]

Look how embarrassed this poor kid is!

Q: Nice work, buddy. Thank you.

Guys, did you spill something back here?

Did we spill something?

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa!

Now you're doing it on your own?

-It was so fun. -It's not.

It was a swing and a huge miss.

It's sweeping the nation.

-[ Laughs ] -Murr, mess up your hair.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Go ahead and run your fingers through it.

Ooh.

-Oh, no. -Oh, my God.

Joe: Oh, and she's -- "What is this?"

You look like you just mud-wrestled and lost.

Sal: Q, take some money out of your wallet, soak it,

then run back in and say, "Dude, I just found a twenty in the 'terlet.'"

[ Water runs ]

Welcome to Hill Country. How can I help you?

Woman: I think I'll have the --

-Happy day! -What?

I just found a twenty in the terlet.

[ Laughter ]

You took that from the customer terlet?

You can't say 'terlet' enough.

It was just lying there in the terlet.

Joe: Do you think it's one of these fake twenties?

You don't think this is fake, do you?

I don't know if it's fake. Can you see the stripe?

[ Laughter ]

No, that's a terlet twenty.

[ Both laugh ]

Did you use the men's room, and did you lose a twenty?

-No. -[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Sal: By the way, Murray's head...

He just noticed what he looked like.

We're talking about the terlet twenty,

and we forgot about your head.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: Sal's hopes of winning got flushed down the terlet,

making him tonight's big loser.

Today, we're here for Sal's punishment,

and, Sal, do you know what it is?

-Of course not. -Can you read my mind?

No, but I -- I already was a psychic.

That's right, you were, but you were never

the subject of a psychic medium, which you are today.

Okay.

Sal, whatever our psychic says about you,

you have to agree with.

And when the psychic asks you a question,

you have to give the embarrassing answer

that we, of course, give you.

-Is it a real psychic? -Yes.

Wait. So what if some real stuff starts coming out?

[ Laughter ] We could hope.

Joe, one of the first things that I get from you

is kids playing with jacks.

We got Jesse Bravo in the house tonight. That's right, yeah.

He's a real-deal psychic medium.

I'm just feeling the -- your history.

And as a little switch, we have an earpiece in Jesse Bravo.

So Jesse will be saying what we want him to say.

Yeah. I'm getting some vibes over here, and, uh...

Uh, you, sir, over here.

Q: Here we go, here we go.

Sal has to agree with anything the psychic says about him.

-Name? -Sal.

Thank you so much.

So, we got a lot going on here.

I definitely can sense it.

[ Laughter ]

Was there a recent falling-out with your family?

Is there a recent falling-out with your family?

Yes.

Something happened with your niece?

Yes.

-You gave her a cigarette? -You gave her a cigarette?

I did.

[ Laughter ]

I'm the cool uncle.

[ Laughter ]

I'm known as the cool uncle.

[ Laughter ] Joe: "I'm the cool uncle."

And she's 7?

6.

I feel like this will resolve itself.

All right, I feel like this is gonna resolve itself.

I feel like you've started to date again, like, recently?

And you had a date that went well?

Yes.

Her name is Nadira.

The person that I'm referencing is named Nadira.

I call her Nads.

I call her Nads.

She's annoying but not too much.

Uh...

[ Laughter ]

I feel like you've started to date again, like, recently?

Yes.

She's annoying but not too much.

Uh...

[ Laughter ]

-Oh, this is tough. -The punishment.

She's, like -- I'm getting to know her.

She's a little annoying but not too much.

[ Laughter ]

Doesn't give too much back talk.

[ Laughter ]

Um...

She doesn't give a lot of back talk.

She's perfect.

[ Laughter ]

Did you have to fire your mother?

Did you have to fire your mother?

I did.

I'm picking up that you did it by e-mail?

You did it by e-mail. Is that the problem here?

It was a text followed by e-mail.

[ Laughter ]

A text followed up by e-mail!

You have to do everything with a paper trail.

Yeah, this will resolve itself.

[ Laughter ]

You were traveling recently?

Uh, I was -- actually got back Tuesday.

There was some type of incident?

Like, subway, underground, Tokyo?

I mean, I was on the subway in Tokyo.

There was a pretty girl.

Uh, there was a young lady, a pretty girl.

I thought to myself, "Wow."

And I thought to myself, you know, "Wow."

"These Tokyos, they're pretty."

[ Laughing ] "These Tokyos..."

[ Laughter ]

"These -- Th-These, uh --

These -- These Tokyos are -- These Tokyos are pretty."

[ Laughter ]

I, uh...

I want to -- I just want to sit down.

"I just want to sit down"!

You have a fish named Bubbles?

Uh, yes, yes.

Well, that's interesting, 'cause I feel like

you wanted to name it something else. I did, yeah.

But you were afraid people would judge you harshly for the name.

You felt like people would judge you harshly for the name?

I feel like people would judge me on Bubbles, but, yeah.

-Yeah. -What was the name?

Uh...

[ Laughter ]

Lamar Scrotum.

[ Laughter ]

He came up with that by himself!

I think Bubbles is the better choice. Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

But I sense that there may be some people around your life

disguising themselves as friends

but they're really probably your enemies.

That's dead-on accurate.

But it's okay. I feel like it's gonna resolve itself.

[ Laughter ]

-Thank you, Sal. -Thank you so much.

-Thank you so much. -Appreciate that. All right.

Sometimes you win some, sometimes you lose some.

Today you lost.

[ Laughter ]

-Well done. -Yeah, that was a good one.

-Good work, fellas. -He didn't see that one coming.

All right, let me get some quiet here for a second.

Quiet, please.

♪ Whose phone is ringing? Mine, mine ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ Whose phone is ringing? Mine, mine ♪

I, uh...

♪ Whose phone is ring-- ♪

I got to take this.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my God. How the [bleep] do I get out of here?

[ Laughter ]