Original subtitles

[MUSIC - BRAD HAYES, "SAY THOSE THINGS"]

(SINGING) What you told me not to do long ago.

If you love me, better tell me so.

Say those things on your mind.

What's you're saying is in between.

I'd wish you tell me just what you mean.

You got to say those things on your mind.

It's not the truth.

But it's not a lie when you can't say the things

that you feel inside.

Feel like you're walking on a moving track.

You take one step forward, and one step back.

What you see is not what you get.

What's underneath this thing, come out yet.

You got to say those things on your mind.

Go on and say those things.

JANE DOE: So Jimmy, are you afraid of the dark?

So I guess we-- we started then.

JANE DOE: Uh-huh.

Are you afraid of the dark?

[laughs nervously]

And-- and that's your first question?

JANE DOE: Uh-huh.

How about a first answer?

Well, yeah.

I guess in this situation I--

I am a little uncomfortable.

JANE DOE: Why?

Because I can't see you.

JANE DOE: Well, I can't see you either.

Yeah.

But you probably saw me coming in.

JANE DOE: Mm. Yeah.

You're right, I did.

So that puts me at a disadvantage.

JANE DOE: A disadvantage.

And you don't like that.

Do you?

Well, in this situation I'm not too sure.

JANE DOE: What's the difference?

You can't see me.

I can't see you.

Yeah.

But I have no idea what you look like.

JANE DOE: Why do you want to know what I look like, Jimmy?

What do you mean?

JANE DOE: I mean, does it matter what I look like?

What are you getting at?

JANE DOE: Oh, nothing.

Just tell me what difference it makes what I look like.

Well, it doesn't make any difference.

I just thought it would be nice to see a face with the voice.

That's all.

Jesus.

What the hell is this.

JANE DOE: You wanted lights, well, you got lights.

Is this a joke?

JANE DOE: Afraid not.

This is the way it's going to be for the duration.

Is this really necessary?

JANE DOE: Oh, it's all part of the process.

Oh, well, it's very good.

A good, dramatic effect.

The Nazi thing.

I like it.

JANE DOE: You'll get used to it.

Right.

JANE DOE: You got to do something for me, Jimmy.

[sighs]

What's that?

JANE DOE: You have to answer the questions right away.

I don't want you to think.

Well, I have to.

My parents made me promise.

JANE DOE: If you think, you'll defend yourself.

And if you defend yourself, you'll lie.

That's just the way you are.

You don't know anything about me!

JANE DOE: I meant men.

Oh.

What's your name?

JANE DOE: That's not important.

You're not going to tell me? JANE DOE: Mm.

No. - Ever?

JANE DOE: No.

Why?

JANE DOE: Well, we never give our names.

Things work better that way.

Why?

JANE DOE: Don't worry about it.

Well, there's another one.

JANE DOE: What?

Disadvantage.

No face.

No name.

This is like a blind date from hell.

JANE DOE: The last thing this is, Jimmy, is a date.

Don't forget it.

I promise.

JANE DOE: We're here to find out about you, not me.

When I ask you a question, you answer as quickly as possible.

Don't think.

Don't defend.

Just answer.

If you want to ask a question about me, don't.

Don't even think about me.

It's none of your business.

Is that clear?

Yes.

JANE DOE: We're not here to have fun, Jimmy.

This is serious.

You agreed to take part no matter

what questions are asked.

You've committed to answering them honestly.

Oh, and don't hold back just because I'm a woman.

Don't tell me what you think I want to hear.

Just answer.

I think I can handle that.

JANE DOE: Good.

So Jimmy, let's talk about women.

OK.

Let's talk about women.

SEAN: No. No.

No way.

You were in there for two hours?

Yeah.

Well, how long were you guys in for?

I was in for about a half hour.

Genius over there lasted about five minutes.

Yeah.

Five minutes too long.

I'm sorry I even let you guys talk me into it.

Gee, sorry.

I thought you might learn something.

Are you serious?

I wasn't in there a minute before this woman

started bitching at me.

She called me a rapist.

Yeah.

Mine called all men fascist rapists.

Is that what yours said? - Yeah.

That's what she said.

Mine also said that all men are pigs, liars.

All they want is sex, and that they'll

say or do anything to get it. - Yeah.

Yeah. That's what I got.

What a crock of shit. - No.

It's the absolute truth.

Oh, Christ.

Here we go.

You are a lost cause.

So I'm not even going to argue with you.

But Jimmy, come on.

You can't disagree with that.

Look, Tim, I don't--

Oh, come on.

When are you guys going to wake up?

The entire industrial military complex is

based on men's pursuit of sex.

The sooner we admit it, the sooner we can change it.

You guys keep following your dicks around,

we're never going to get anywhere.

- I don't follow-- - Whoa.

Whoa. Let me get this straight.

Are you saying that you never follow your dick around?

Never.

Bullshit.

Unlike you, son, I have control.

Oh-ho.

Spare me.

Control.

You sit down to piss?

Up yours.

So you going back?

Nope.

After talking for about a half hour

she said she didn't think I should come back.

Why not?

She didn't think it would be insightful, because she

said I'm so well-adjusted.

Well-adjusted? You?

Eat your heart out.

Are you going back, Sean?

Not in a million years!

Well, I think I'm going to go back.

What?

- Right on, Jim. - Hey, Jim.

Come on.

Him I understand.

But not you.

No.

She said some shit I really don't agree with.

Don't bother.

They're just a bunch of sexually repressed feminists.

All they want to do is cut your nuts off.

Maybe.

But I'm going back.

Jim, yeah. You, maybe.

But Sean?

I cannot believe Sean took part in any

experiment conducted by the women's studies department.

Yeah.

Well, we had to drag him kicking and screaming.

[chuckles]

Oh, big surprise.

Yeah.

I don't know.

The woman I had was tough as nails.

I mean, I lasted two hours.

But man, she was brutal. - Why?

What'd she say?

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Oh, you know, the whole men are pigs stick.

Yeah.

The same basic sermon I usually I get on first dates.

Women say that to you on first dates?

Yep.

MIMI (ON PHONE): Well, my god.

What do you do to make them attack you like that?

No.

It's not about me.

It's always about their last boyfriend, or a date they had.

You know, it's just a warning.

If you're a pig, they don't want to have

anything to do with you.

Well, what woman would ever think you're a pig.

Hey, I'm as much of a pig as the next guy.

I've just learned to fake it.

MIMI (ON PHONE): Don't even joke like that.

What are you eating?

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Cereal.

For dinner?

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Hey, [inaudible]..

Oh, god.

You're so pathetic.

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Thanks.

So how's the love life?

MIMI (ON PHONE): Dismal.

I haven't had sex in so long I can't

remember what a man feels like.

Well, you know, if things are that bad, we could always--

MIMI (ON PHONE): You know, Jimmy, what I really want--

What?

Romance.

There's no romance in my life.

I have never really had a wild romance.

I could be romantic.

A passionate love affair.

I could be passionate.

MIMI (ON PHONE): You know, it's more than want.

It's like, I've come to the point in my life

where I need romance.

I mean, how many relationships have I been through since we've

known each other? Like what?

At least--

Five.

MIMI (ON PHONE): Right.

And not one of them was romantic or passionate.

There has got to be some guy out there who's romantic.

Oh, god.

It is so depressing.

Mimi, do you think all men are rapists?

What?

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Do you think all men are rapists?

Well, no.

Where did that come from?

Well, the woman interviewing me

today said that all men are rapists.

Oh, god.

Tell her to get a life.

She also said that all men are liars and that everything we do

is for sex.

Can you believe that?

Well, I have to agree with her on that one.

Oh, so you think I'm a liar and that everything I do

is for sex. - Oh, no.

But you're different.

JIMMY (ON PHONE): I am.

How?

Oh, I don't know.

You're just not like a lot of other guys.

Not like other guys?

MIMI (ON PHONE): Well, no.

I mean, you think about things.

I've never seen you intentionally hurt anyone.

You're a nice guy.

But being a nice guy, I'm still a liar.

And I'm still motivated by sex?

Well.

(GIGGLES)

And women aren't motivated by sex.

And, of course, they never lie.

Well, it is different for women.

So if sex isn't your primary motivation, what is?

Oh, it's--

[sighs]

Hi.

My name is James Rovinski.

And I will be teaching this course for the winter semester.

I'm too young to be called professor,

too rude to be called James.

So if any of you have anything to ask me,

please just call me Jimmy.

And just in case any of you are in the wrong class,

this is Psychology 101, every college's

number one blow off course.

[laughter]

OK.

One, two, three, four, five--

10, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. OK.

Good.

Let's get started, shall we.

20.

Seven guys and 13 women.

13 young, nubile women.

Give me strength, god.

[knocking]

Can I take this off now?

JANE DOE: Hold on.

OK.

You know, Jane.

When a woman hits--

JANE DOE: You just called me, Jane.

Yeah.

Jane Doe.

That's what they call an unidentified woman at a morgue.

JANE DOE: Don't call me that.

That's sick.

Are you going to tell me your name?

JANE DOE: No.

As I was saying, Jane, when a woman hits 25, something snaps.

I mean, when she's 24 everything is fine.

Then she turns 25, and she looks in the mirror,

and she sees a hag.

And suddenly she freaks out.

And it's a mad race to get married before everything sags.

I mean, how do you deal with that?

JANE DOE: What's the problem?

You're a big boy.

You take it or you leave it.

Yeah.

But nobody needs that kind of pressure on a first date.

JANE DOE: Oh. What?

You're telling me women want to marry you after the first date?

JIMMY: No.

I'm saying that they size me up.

And if I happen to meet their particular marriage

requirements, the rest of the date's

going to be fairly predictable.

JANE DOE: Oh.

Please, Jimmy, enlighten me.

OK, fine.

In my experience the average date

goes through three stages, the past relationship

stage, the future relationship stage, and the underwear stage.

JANE DOE: The underwear stage?

Yeah.

It's a little theory I've been working on.

It starts with the past relationship stage.

After you've gotten past all the mandatory small talk,

you start to talk about your past relationships,

good or bad.

Now, this is the most dangerous stage.

Because a serious fuckup here can

sink you regardless of your score in the other two stages.

JANE DOE: Your score?

Yes.

Your score.

And don't you believe for a second

that she isn't keeping track.

Basically, conversation here is just a cover

to find out what you're like, you

know, who you've slept with, how many you've slept

with, et cetera, et cetera.

So assuming that you've scored well here,

you move on to the next stage.

JANE DOE: The future relationship stage.

JIMMY: Right.

You start talking about the kind of relationships you want,

what your hopes are for the future.

Pretty straightforward stuff.

But uh, uh, uh, uh.

Don't you believe it.

It is all a cover to find out one all important thing.

Is the victim ready to commit?

JANE DOE: You're so full of shit, Rovinski.

You obviously don't date.

JANE DOE: None of your damn business.

Ha. Ha.

Right.

You see, the funny thing is, is that even if you make it pretty

clear that you're not ready to commit,

if you've done well in the first two stages,

you'll usually make it to the third stage.

JANE DOE: Oh, the underwear stage.

Mhm.

The underwear stage.

If you make it this far, oh-ho, you have passed the test.

You fit the bill.

And it is time to get down to business.

It's time to start baiting you.

JANE DOE: Baiting you?

JIMMY: Mercilessly.

She'll start to talk about her underwear.

JANE DOE: I'm not hearing this.

Mhm.

Lingerie.

Usually almost always black.

JANE DOE: I am really not hearing this.

Somehow she will manage to slip it in that she found

the greatest little lingerie boutique last weekend,

you know, even though people don't see it.

It's really important to wear sexy underwear because it makes

them feel so blah, blah, blah.

JANE DOE: Women don't do that.

I swear to God.

And if it's not underwear, it's something else

usually not so subtle. JANE DOE: What?

You've had women do that?

Oh, yeah.

But here is the tough part.

Suppose after the first two stages,

the guy isn't interested.

JANE DOE: So?

JIMMY: So she starts talking about her panties,

and what do you think's going to happen?

JANE DOE: What?

JIMMY: The poor sap is going to have to reconsider,

even though she might have totally blown it.

JANE DOE: You know, that's why men are so pathetic.

I mean, all you ever think about is sex.

JIMMY: Yeah. But don't you see.

The guy didn't even bring sex into it.

She did.

JANE DOE: She was just talking about her god damn underwear.

But she was baiting him with it.

She is trying to take advantage of him.

JANE DOE: What?

You can't walk away from that?

A woman mentions her underwear and you lose control?

Well, a lot of guys won't walk away.

They'll sleep with her, if they can.

And because they weren't really interested in the first place,

they'll avoid her calls, or leave town,

or do any of the other stupid things

that guys do to make women think they're assholes.

JANE DOE: But don't you see how sad you are?

JIMMY: No.

Frankly, in that situation, I think

both people are pretty sad.

Because here is the point, my dear Jane.

By the end of a date like that, not only do I

feel like a total slab of meat.

But my intelligence has been insulted.

I've lost all respect for the woman.

And worst of all, I'm horny as hell.

JANE DOE: Has it ever occurred to you

that maybe she's not the least bit

interested in a relationship.

I mean, maybe she just wants to fuck you.

Have you thought of that?

Yeah.

But as a man, I'm a real macho, arrogant, son of a bitch

if I think that she just wants to fuck me, right?

JANE DOE: Mm.

JIMMY: Right.

So let's just say with what I am allowed to be thinking,

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

JANE DOE: Excuse me.

May I?

Be my guest.

Is something wrong?

[lighter]

[blows smoke]

It's kind of scary.

I've got one that's been thinking.

[laughs]

Actually, women never talk to me about their underwear.

How'd she react?

Well, she flipped.

Big wonder.

I thought you quit smoking.

I did. Yesterday.

Oh.

So what else did you talk about?

Women again.

Or, you know, at least what I think about them.

I told her about Mimi.

You did?

Yeah.

Boy, you're really baring your soul to this woman.

JIMMY: Yeah.

Well, I get the feeling she's pretty negative about men.

So. What else is new?

Right.

So I wanted to make sure she knew I had female friends.

Aha.

Oh.

So you didn't tell her everything.

What do you mean?

You only told her Mimi's your friend.

She is only my friend.

So you didn't tell her you're in love

with Mimi, your female friend.

I am not in love with Mimi.

I simply feel a sometimes overwhelming potential

to be in love with Mimi.

A sometimes overwhelming potential?

My god.

You've even defined your way out of being in love.

It's no wonder you have problems with commitment.

Commitment?

Jesus.

What about you?

I'm committed.

I just haven't found anybody who'll commit to me.

I'm committed.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not having such hot luck myself.

Bullshit.

You've had your chances. - Yeah.

But I don't know what's wrong with me.

I mean, I go out on three dates with a woman.

And then I bail.

And I don't even know why.

Because you're a simpering idiot.

I'm starting to think maybe I'm homosexual.

- What? - No.

I'm serious.

I was walking down the street the other day

right behind this long haired babe.

Right? - Mhm.

I mean, she was really good looking from behind.

So, you know, I pick up the pace.

And I get up to her.

And I look in her face.

It was a guy.

[laughs]

And this qualifies you as having homosexual tendencies?

JIMMY: Well, it got me worrying about it.

Now I'm sure.

You are an idiot. Homosexual.

JIMMY: What?

How did you ever get a job teaching?

You never think about it?

I, for one, am perfectly comfortable with my manhood.

OK.

Well, forget about sex.

I mean, you have never looked at some guy

and found him attractive, even in some remote way?

Wouldn't know an attractive guy if he ran me over.

JIMMY: Yeah.

Right.

Unless he just picked up the woman you were trying to meet.

TIM: Nope.

I just put that down to poor taste on her part.

Sorry, Jim.

No confused thoughts up here.

SEAN: Drinky-poos anybody?

On me. - Yeah.

I'm in.

Jimmy here is working his way out of the closet.

And I'd rather not be alone with him while he does.

I'll just change my shirt.

[phone ringing]

[beep]

Hello?

PAULA (ON PHONE): Hi there.

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Paula, do you know what time it is?

Mhm.

Do you?

JIMMY (ON PHONE): No, actually.

What time is it?

It's late.

Past midnight.

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Well, you shouldn't call this late.

People are sleeping.

It's Friday night. You guys are all single.

Why aren't you out somewhere?

Well, Sean and Tim are out somewhere.

But I was sleeping.

PAULA (ON PHONE): Well, you don't

sound like you were sleeping.

Well, I was about to be sleeping.

Good.

Then I called just in time.

JIMMY (ON PHONE): You sound bored, Paula.

I'm never bored, James dear.

JIMMY (ON PHONE): What do you want, Paula?

My.

You're in a bad mood.

My mother was right.

Never call a man after 11:00 PM.

Let me guess.

He's out of town.

No.

He's not out of town.

Gregory doesn't feel threatened by my ex boyfriends.

I can do whatever I want whenever I want.

Well, I'm so happy for you.

What do you want, Paula?

[sighs]

Your 30th birthday is coming up.

And I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner tomorrow

night to celebrate. PAULA (ON PHONE): Oh.

Dinner?

Yes.

I haven't seen you in at least a month.

And since I always take you out on your birthday,

I thought it would be a good way to kill

two birds with one stone.

Well, thank you, Paula.

That's really nice.

But I can't tomorrow.

Maybe next week.

I can't next week.

Tomorrow's good.

Well, then the week after.

I can't the week after.

Tomorrow's good.

Well, my birthday's not for weeks.

I mean, we can do it some other time.

Paula?

Paula?

Happy 30th birthday, even if it's not for another few weeks.

Thank you, Paula.

So seeing anyone new these days?

Why do you want to know?

I'm just curious.

No.

I'm not seeing anyone.

Hm.

Have you been on any dates?

Yes.

I've been on a few dates.

Well, tell me.

I don't think so.

Jimmy.

Paula.

I just want to make sure you're happy.

Paula, every time we go out, you

always ask me who I'm dating.

That always leads to talking about when we were going out,

which always leads to you telling me what

was wrong with our relationship, which leads to you telling

me what is wrong with me.

And that always leads to you telling me how

happy you are now with Gregory.

So let's just talk about something else.

OK?

That is not true.

Paula, please.

OK.

Are you still seeing Mimi?

Do you mean, are we still friends?

Yes. Friends.

Whatever.

Yeah.

I still see Mimi.

Hm.

How is she?

Why do you loathe her so, Paul?

I don't loathe her, Jimmy.

I think she's a very nice person for the person she is.

For the--

Sushi.

For the person she is.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Really.

[scoffs]

OK.

I just think she's so plain.

You know.

I just think you can do better. That's all.

Better than what?

She's just a friend.

She is just a friend. Really?

Yes, Paula.

Really.

I can't believe you're still jealous of her.

I am not jealous of her.

And I never have been.

I'm sorry.

You're right.

Besides how could I be jealous of her.

She could never have what we had.

Paula.

PAULA: Do you ever think about us?

Paula, please.

I mean it, Jimmy.

Sometimes when I'm alone I remember some of the nights

and some of the things we did.

Do you remember.

Yes.

[breathes]

Do you ever think about those nights?

I mean, when you're alone.

Yeah.

Sometimes.

Do you miss them?

Yeah. Sometimes.

[gasps]

PAULA: So do I. We were hot, weren't we?

Mhm.

But then I always remember how unhappy you made me.

[snaps]

And it just goes away.

Mhm.

We're better off this way.

You know, I'm so much happier with Gregory.

[laughs under his breath]

Someday you'll find somebody, Jimmy.

JANE DOE: And you still see this woman?

Oh, at first I didn't want to.

But she was pretty insistent about it.

And, you know, I kind of always believe that people should

be friends after they break up.

JANE DOE: Oh.

Do you really believe that?

Yeah.

Well, I've always tried to.

JANE DOE: Mhm.

But after a while, I began to wonder why she dumped me.

You know, I mean, what did he have that I didn't have?

So I'd go out with her to find out.

JANE DOE: So did you eventually find out?

Yeah.

She finally told me one night straight out.

We were eating Italian.

And it reminded her of how much she hated my table manners.

JANE DOE: Your table manners?

Yeah.

I cut my spaghetti.

Well, she flipped out.

She said that no Italian man would be caught

dead cutting his spaghetti.

Then she pointed out that no Italian man would be caught

dead wearing my clothes either.

She even hated the fact that I wasn't Italian, or French,

or something different.

And now she never stops telling me.

JANE DOE: Are you a masochist?

Masochist?

No.

What do you mean, masochist?

JANE DOE: Well, let me get this straight.

You must love this woman if you're still seeing her.

No.

I am not in love with Paula.

JANE DOE: Well, if you're not in love with her,

it was a painful relationship.

She dumped you you moved in with somebody else.

And you're still seeing her?

You're either a masochist or an idiot.

SEAN: You're an idiot.

JIMMY: I beg your pardon? - No.

She's right. You're an idiot.

And I've been telling you that for years.

Just because I think it's right to stay

friends with a woman after we've broken up, I'm an idiot.

Jim, what's the point?

I mean, look at it.

You're not getting laid.

And chances are, you never will.

Worst of all, she's a bitch.

Sean, every woman is a bitch to you.

Yeah.

But I mean it with Paula.

I don't get it.

She's fucking somebody else and she dumps you.

A week later, she's shacked up with the guy.

Now, nobody should have to take that kind of abuse.

Why do you still see her?

Because, I mean, if we can't be friends with a woman

just because we slept with them, I

mean, where does that leave us?

Oh, it leaves us to move on to the next one.

That's where.

I don't want to be friends with women I've gone out with.

It just doesn't work.

Maybe that's because you were never

their friends to begin with.

What?

Face it.

You just can't handle being friends with women.

At least Jimmy's trying.

You're not mature enough, and you don't respect them.

All right.

What about you?

What?

I have no trouble being friends with women.

I respect and truly like the women I've gone out with.

They are my friends.

Exactly.

All your friends except for us are women.

So.

So you're like their little pet.

I mean, what do you get out of those relationships?

Stimulating conversation?

Certainly not sex.

I mean, Jimmy over here may be a little mixed up.

But at least he's getting foop once in a while.

[sighs]

It always comes down to sex with you.

Does a friendship with a woman require a sexual favor?

You are so full of shit.

If they were willing you'd grab it in a second.

Your ignorance is truly astounding.

This is a lovely bearnaise sauce, Sean.

Oh, thanks.

All right.

What about what's her name?

Your latest best friend?

Who? Shanti?

Yeah.

Shanti.

Don't tell me you wouldn't foop her if she let you.

Leave her out of this.

Look, I'm not a walking hard on like you.

And I don't happen to want to foop Shanti.

Oh, what was that?

Did I hear someone mention the word denial?

- I'm not denying anything. - Yep.

Yep.

Capital D-E. Yep. Yep.

Denial.

TIM: You know, it's sad.

You really have no idea what you're talking about.

It is so sad listening to you go on like this.

Yeah.

Well, sad as it is, at least I've

had sex in the last two years.

Which is more than I can say for you, Timbo.

Yeah.

Well, at least I'm not going to die of some sexually

transmitted disease.

[gulp] - Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

[chuckles]

[sigh]

You know what those are.

Don't you?

[phone ringing]

Hi there.

It's late. I'm tired.

And you've got a lot of nerve to be calling at this hour.

So get to the point.

MIMI (ON PHONE): Hey, hey, Jimmy, boy.

What's up, babe?

Hey, hey.

It's Mimi.

Oh, just sitting here, writing away.

And how goes the great epic novel?

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Well, you know, a word here.

A sentence there.

Oh, it sounds like a method, Jim.

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Yep. I tell you.

Once I get some of those paragraphs going, woo.

[chuckles]

Is that water I hear?

Uh-huh.

Listen.

How about lunch tomorrow?

You aren't calling me from the baththub again, are you?

MIMI (ON PHONE): Uh-huh.

God. Have you no mercy?

[giggles]

Oh, jeez.

A little frustrated, are we?

All alone here with the vision of that body

in a tub of steaming water?

Who wouldn't be?

Who wouldn't be?

Well, flattery will get you everywhere.

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Yeah.

Not with you, it doesn't.

Well, maybe you just give up too easy.

Maybe you don't give in easy enough.

Well, maybe I do and maybe I don't.

Anyhow, we do lunch tomorrow?

Yeah.

Usual place?

The usual place.

Sleep tight. - OK.

You too.

Don't miss any spots.

I'll be doing inspection tomorrow.

Ooh.

I'll be thinking about you while I'm toweling off.

- Oh, good. - Goodnight.

Bye.

[beep]

God, I hate that woman.

[music playing]

[shower]

[razor]

[whistling]

[water flowing]

(SINGING) What you say is all well and fine.

What I'm losing is the bottom line.

You have to say those things that are on your mind.

[clears throat]

[sighs]

MIMI: So before he even finished,

I told him that was the most pathetic

come on line I'd ever heard.

And on top of that, it wasn't the first time I'd heard it.

Ooh. So what'd he do then?

Well, let's see.

He-- well, he called me a cunt.

Told me I was probably a lousy fuck anyway.

And then he walked straight up to another girl to try again.

Ouch.

Aw, I hate guys like that.

You hate them? Why?

It's not your problem.

- Sure, it is. - No, it's not.

I'm the one who has to deal with schmucks like that.

Yeah.

But I'm the one that has to pay for it.

Oh, you.

How do you pay for it?

When the guy walked off, how'd you feel?

I was pissed off.

Exactly.

So say you didn't know me.

And, you know, I walked up to you five minutes later

and tried to strike up a conversation.

What would you say?

I'd um--

I'd probably tell you to take a hike.

Right.

I mean, you're so angry, you shut the door.

And your night is shot.

So I'm the one who pays.

I mean, boneheads like that guy ruin it for all us other guys.

Well, maybe if you were like a really nice guy.

Mimi, women have become so jaded,

they wouldn't know a nice guy if he saved her from a dragon.

I mean, there's-- there's just too many schmucks

like that guy out there.

I mean, jerks with lousy lines like that

ruin it for jerks like me.

What? With other lousy lines?

That's right.

And I swear to god.

That guy is following me around, hitting on every woman

just before I do.

[giggling]

Uh.

Jimmy.

What?

- I can't believe you. - Why?

What's wrong?

Well, what?

Have you got whiplash?

Did you see the way your head just jerked

around when she walked by?

You're a pig.

I was just looking at the woman.

Well, do you know what it feels

like to be looked at like that?

It's degrading.

Degrading?

My god, Mimi.

She was a beautiful woman. I was just looking.

Yeah.

Well, I don't think she appreciates

the way you were just looking.

Well, I don't think she minded it.

Oh, come on.

The makeup.

The outfit.

The woman wants to be looked at.

You were undressing her with your eyes.

I didn't have to.

She wasn't wearing that much.

What's gotten into you?

You disappoint me, Jimmy.

Mimi, she was a gorgeous woman, and I was just looking.

I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty for that.

OK.

[knocking]

JANE DOE: Women think about sex just as much as men.

Yeah. But you just said they don't.

JANE DOE: No, I didn't.

I just meant they don't think about it in the same way.

Right.

OK.

Look, what I want to know is, do women not

look at men because they just don't think about it?

Do they not look on purpose?

Or do they think they're not supposed to?

JANE DOE: It's not a question of whether they're

supposed to or not.

Women can do anything they damn well please.

Look, I could not agree more.

But the way this stupid society is setup,

the man always has to chase after the woman.

So, of course, he's always looking.

And because the woman is being chased,

she doesn't have to look, because, theoretically, she

shouldn't have to. Right?

No.

I don't know about that.

This is the '90s.

Right?

JANE DOE: Yeah.

When was the last time you asked a man out on a date?

JANE DOE: You're not allowed to ask me--

JIMMY: No. No.

No.

No. No.

Come on. Come on.

This is important.

When was the last time you asked a man out on a date?

JANE DOE: Don't ask me questions.

OK. OK.

Well, then can we say for argument's sake,

it's probably not that often?

JANE DOE: OK.

Great.

So here we are in the '90s, after more than 20 years

of modern feminism, and women are still sitting back waiting

for guys to ask them out.

JANE DOE: No, they're not!

Yes, they are.

Practically every woman friend that I have

complains about how they never go out.

And then when they do the guy was always a schmuck.

But they never get off their asses and do anything about it.

JANE DOE: Yeah.

Well, you know exactly what a man thinks when

the woman makes the first move.

No. What?

JANE DOE: He freaks out because he doesn't

have control of the situation.

Bullshit!

I do not know one man who would not rather have

the woman make the first move.

I mean, we always have to risk rejection.

Do you know what that's like?

JANE DOE: Yeah, Rovinski.

I do happen to know what it's like.

And if women aren't asking men out,

it's because men just can't take it.

Oh, I don't know that there are too many men that

are thinking like that anymore.

And besides, even if you do run into a guy like that,

it ought to take you about two seconds

to figure him out and dump him. Right?

JANE DOE: No.

It's not as simple as you make it sound.

Oh, I think it's very simple.

I think when it comes to initiating things,

men have had the short end of the stick for too long.

JANE DOE: Men have had the short end of the stick?

JIMMY: Yes. Men!

I think it's about time that women

took some of the risks too.

But I'm not saying I'm going to wait around

for a woman to call me up.

I already tried that and it didn't work.

JANE DOE: Gee.

Big surprise, Rovinski.

Thank you, Jane.

You know, I can just see how quickly

the world is going to change with charmers like you around.

[blows smoke]

SEAN: Hey, guys.

Remember Ramona Klein?

Yeah.

Well, last week I saw her having

dinner with Teddy Pripstein.

Ew.

So I'm sitting there, trying to eat.

Right?

He starts kissing her.

Ew.

Oh.

Yeah.

But get this.

She wasn't kissing him.

She was just letting him kiss her.

What do you mean?

Well, she was letting everyone around

know that even though she was with him,

she didn't want to be with him.

Yeah.

So.

Well, don't you get it?

She's showing everyone that she's available in case

something better comes along.

She's not tight with Pripstein.

But she's keeping him close, just in case.

Ramona Klein was the hottest girl I knew in college.

I mean, everybody wanted to go out with her.

- I didn't. - Heh.

You mean couldn't.

No.

I mean, didn't.

I never found her that attractive.

You're nuts.

She's incredible.

Just look in any fashion magazine.

There's lots of women just like her.

Yeah.

Well, I'd do her.

Well, you know, I might have done her if her bum

was just a little bit smaller.

What?

Her bums too big.

Yes.

She has a nice face.

But I don't like her bum.

And god knows what you'll find when her bra comes off.

Woo.

Breasts?

Yea-- didn't you say you were going to quit smoking today?

Did you hear today?

I said tomorrow.

Ramona Klein had guys falling all over her 10 years ago.

And now she's hanging out with Teddy Pripstein.

That's kind of sad.

What's so sad about it?

10 years ago the woman never had any problems getting men.

She could pick and choose.

Well, she got too picky, and now she's paying the price.

Jesus.

You sound bitter.

I'm not bitter.

I just think it's justice.

Justice?

What has justice got to do with it?

Look, 10 years ago I couldn't get a date

if my life depended on it, especially

not with a woman like that.

I just think it's justice to see things coming around a bit.

That's all.

But you still can't get a date.

That's not the point.

JIMMY: No. No.

It is the point.

I mean, you're right, Tim.

Romona Klein could pick and choose 10 years ago.

Well, why not now?

And why is it that 10 years ago women like Ramona

always dumped me?

They always had control.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Snap out of it, son.

You've done your fair share of trashing relationships.

But don't you see?

That is exactly the point.

It's all a power thing.

And that's what's so sad about Ramona.

She thinks that just because she's hit 30,

she hasn't got power anymore.

It's a cruel world, Jimmy boy.

And Ramona's proof.

A cruel, cruel world.

[sighs]

I'm just not willing to settle for any of the men

I've gone out with.

Why should I?

I mean, I'm not to settle for some guy

just because I want to get married and have kids.

No way.

I'd rather be alone.

Wait.

Let me guess.

You want someone who is good looking, intelligent,

can be your best friend, and happens to be a great lay.

Right?

Yeah.

And he loves kids too.

Wakey wakey, Joe.

All that sensitive guy double talk

is bullshit The experiment proves it.

He doesn't exist.

Yeah, he does.

Mm.

No.

There are three types of men in this world, honey.

Men you're friends with.

Men who pay the bills and you have kids with.

And men you fuck.

And I plan to have plenty of all three.

Well, that is pretty cynical.

Don't you think?

Bullshit, cynical.

It's reality.

Hi, there.

My name's Sean, and I just thought

I'd drop by and say hello.

Well, thank you.

But we would have asked you if we wanted you to say hello.

Well, then I'll get right to the point.

I simply dropped by to extend to you

both an invitation to a party we're having Saturday night.

JANE DOE: Duh Boys?

SEAN: Yeah.

You know, the boys.

Duh boys.

Duh boys. Heh, heh.

It's a little play on words my roommate Jimmy thought up.

Mm.

SEAN: Cool.

Huh? - Do her?

I expect that from erection head over there.

Think you can do her?

SEAN: So what do you say?

Saturday night?

Joe.

8 o'clock.

WOMAN: Joe!

I'll be there.

[music playing]

TIM: It has nothing to do with pollution, dimwit.

It's the lights from the city.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

Fuck off.

Look it up, Einstein.

You're saying the light from a city is bright enough to block

out the light from a star?

Yes.

Not a chance.

Those stars are sun.

That's right.

About 10 trillion miles away.

So what?

They're suns.

Excuse me, Mr. MBA.

But did you do a degree in astronomy

while we weren't looking?

Come on.

It's common sense.

Yeah.

And I suppose they put those telescopes on mountaintops

in the deepest, darkest forests of South

America out of common sense.

Yeah.

There's no pollution out there.

Jimmy, settle this.

Why can't we see as many stars in the city?

Lights or pollution?

What's the most romantic night you guys ever had?

Uh-oh.

[sighs]

Gee, I don't know, Sean.

What is the most romantic night we ever had?

Rovinski, every time we sleep out here, you turn to mush.

When you get drunk you start kissing us and telling us

how much you love us.

And when we sleep out, you always start talking like this.

Jesus.

I remember the most romantic night I ever had.

I was backpacking in Italy, and I just started

seeing this girl named--

Daniella.

Yeah.

Daniella.

We were at this rooftop party in Florence.

It was the beginning of summer, and everything

was just starting to bloom.

It was warm.

And the air was so thick and perfumed

you could almost cut it.

And all night long I just couldn't

stop staring at her, what she was wearing,

her hair, her skin, her eyes.

I couldn't believe that I was with this woman.

I mean, she was just too amazing.

Everybody was speaking Italian.

And I couldn't understand a word.

But it didn't matter.

We both knew that we were going to make love for the first time

that night.

And we were in no rush.

Oh.

I could've stayed at that party all night.

It was like I could feel time passing.

Like it was washing past me, like wind making me squint.

I loved every minute.

And when we got back to her apartment,

we didn't even have to turn on the lights.

It was one of those weird nights where it wasn't dark.

It was just kind of--

just kind of blue.

SEAN: And?

You did it?

[laughs]

Till it got light.

Yeah.

I was religious.

I didn't want it to end.

In a way I wish it had never happened.

How come?

Well, because nothing's ever been as good since.

Gee, that's tough, Jim.

Yeah.

We really feel for you.

Yeah, but don't you guys ever worry about giving that up?

TIM: What?

Well, the first time with somebody.

I mean, I think sometimes that's the main reason

I'll never get married.

So don't get married.

What's the big deal?

No.

But I would like to get married.

I mean, I'd like to be able to spend the rest of my life

with somebody, I think.

I don't worry about it.

I'll know when it's right.

I know it won't be right for a long time.

But I'll know when it's right.

Yeah.

Well, I worry about it.

I mean, whenever I'm willing to commit to somebody,

they're not interested in committing to me.

And whenever somebody wants me to commit,

I'm not interested in them.

TIM: Jim, timing's everything.

JIMMY: Yeah.

Well, I think I've gone numb.

Don't sweat it, Jim.

Men and women were never meant to be

together for extended periods of time anyway.

You know, Tim, that's what I like about you.

You're so up.

You got to go back and find that babe, Jim.

Yeah.

Italy.

I got to go back to Italy.

[wind]

[sighs]

JANE DOE: Look, I want to see how

this guy is going to react when he has to answer to a face.

Has it ever occurred to you that some of these men

might feel protected by the fact that they can't see us?

Protected?

No.

Yes.

I mean, they can hear us.

They know we're women.

But they can't see us.

It gives them an out.

My god.

It's like phone sex.

No.

It's not like phone sex.

Don't you think that seeing us would

change the way they answer?

I mean, don't you think it would put them more on the spot?

No.

I think that seeing us would make them clam up.

No. I disagree.

I think a liar is going to lie no matter who he's talking to.

Look, if you do this I'll have you thrown off this experiment.

Why?

This is my thesis project.

I set the rules.

And quite frankly, I am happy with the results.

Why do you want to do this?

Look, this whole project is experimental.

I want to try something different.

That's the nature of experimentation.

Experimentation?

Yes.

Experimentation.

Oh, my.

You are quite dedicated.

Aren't you?

No less than you.

WOMAN: Really?

Yes, really.

Look, I've been getting really weird vibes off you

since this whole thing started.

Have you?

[sighs]

Is there something about me that offends you?

I don't know.

Something about the way I dress, or the way I am as a woman?

I don't trust your motives, as a woman.

What do you mean exactly?

What I mean is I see no good reason for you

to show yourself to this guy.

I think your motives are personal.

Personal?

Uh-huh.

[laughs]

You think I want to fuck this guy.

That's it.

Isn't it?

You think I want to fuck this guy!

WOMAN: I don't know what you want.

[laughs]

Look, you know, I haven't really thought about it.

I mean, maybe.

Maybe I do.

But you know what?

I get the feeling that would really bother you.

You can fuck anybody you like.

I couldn't care less.

JANE DOE: Really?

What are your motives?

[dance music]

Hi, Mimi.

Oh, hi. Paula, how are you?

I'm fine. How are you?

I'm good.

What are you doing shopping in the middle of the afternoon?

Oh, it's been a long week.

You know, I thought I'd spoil myself,

take a Friday afternoon off.

Oh, good for you.

You're a paralegal, aren't you?

Well, no. I used to be.

But I've been a lawyer for two years now.

That's stupid of me.

I don't know why I keep thinking you're a secretary.

What kind of law are you doing?

Corporate.

Oh, good choice.

Good choice.

All those wealthy young investment bankers.

Have you snared one yet?

[laughs]

I'm sorry.

A husband?

Oh, don't tell me you're doing corporate law

for the challenge.

Well, actually--

Mimi.

To tell you the truth, Paula, if I'd

wanted to find a husband, I would

have become a divorce lawyer.

Right.

Well, I better be going.

I guess I'll see you tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?

Yeah.

Jimmy and the boys' party.

Oh, didn't you know about it?

Oh, I'm-- yeah.

I just have-- I have so much on my mind, I

just completely forgot about it.

Well, then I guess I'll see you tomorrow night.

- OK. - OK.

- Bye Paula. - Bye.

JANE DOE: Listen, don't hand me that shit about control.

I know plenty of women who complain they aren't getting

enough sex from their men.

Well, good.

I think it's about time men stood up

and started denying women sex.

JANE DOE: What?

[laughs]

You're saying men are consciously denying women sex?

No.

I'm saying that they are unconsciously denying women

sex, because somewhere inside they're pissed off

with women's sexist attitude.

Women's sexist attitude?

Yes.

Women's sexist attitude.

That a man's sexual desire is something dirty.

But despite that, we should get it up every time

a woman snaps her fingers.

JANE DOE: Talking about sexist attitudes.

I mean, what-- what about the assholes

who expect women to put out after they've

bought them dinner? JIMMY: Yeah.

But don't you see?

That's all we ever hear about are the men.

Nobody ever talks about women being sexist.

Like it's a fucking crime if you do.

Wait!

You're making men sound like victims here.

No.

I'm just tired of always hearing men take the blame

when relationships go bad.

I mean, I know.

Jesus.

I know we've got a long way to go.

But I just wish that women would admit that they've

got some changing to do too.

Like how?

Like maybe stop complaining about being helpless victims

all the time.

Christ, I'm tired of that.

Listen, violence against women--

I don't want to hear about statistics.

I mean, do I look like some kind of violent rapist to you?

Have I given you any indication that I would ever hurt you?

I mean, my god, Jane, it's just you and me here.

I mean, please, don't come at me with a bunch of statistics

about sick fuckers.

That's insulting.

Yes.

But it's a real problem!

Well, you don't have to convince me of it.

I mean, I know what men are doing.

But when you come at me with stuff like that,

you make me feel like I'm one of them.

And I'm not.

You and I have gotten past the point where we have to worry

about each other being psychos.

Right?

[huffs]

Yes.

So let's just stick to the main issue

here, which is a relationship between two

relatively healthy people.

Not some wackos are doing out on the street.

You're right.

We should keep this just between two people.

You're absolutely right.

[music playing]

JIMMY: Well, boys, here we are again.

It is party time.

SEAN: Fucking A. Let's do some damage.

Huh?

Damage?

Oh, lighten up, Tim.

Are you sure you don't want to smoke tonight, buddy?

No. I don't want to smoke tonight.

I don't need to smoke tonight.

No. No.

More than that.

I'm not a smoker anymore.

Why don't you wait till tomorrow to not be a smoker

anymore, in the name of sanity?

You're not listening, Jimmy. You're not listening.

OK.

OK.

Well, boys, we are the hosts with the most.

And there are women here tonight to be mosted.

So good luck, and godspeed.

Amen.

Yes.

[murmuring]

Simians.

SINGER: (SINGING) No matter what I do.

I was learning how--

Mind over matter.

I simply had to think about how utterly illogical

the act of smoking is.

I mean, inhaling the smoke from a dried, burning plant leaf,

it's ridiculous.

Haven't picked one up since.

Really?

When did you quit?

This afternoon.

It's a drag really.

MIMI: Hey, Jimmy, boy.

Hey.

It's Mimi.

Good party, Jim.

Who's friends are these?

Aha, ha, ha.

Witty as ever.

Oh, hello.

Mimi Campbell, this is Ben Calder.

Hi.

Ben and I were on the ski team together in college.

Oh, I didn't know you raced, Jimmy.

Mm.

So what do you do now, Ben?

Ben.

He just finished a two year stint in Hong Kong.

Uh-huh.

He's taking the summer off.

And then he's going to work in Paris.

Rough life, huh? - Wow.

Jeez. Is it ever?

I've always wanted to live in Paris.

You're very lucky. [laughter]

[dance music]

PAULA: Jimmy!

Ah, heh.

Paula.

Should I be angry at you?

You know you can't have a party without inviting me.

[laughs]

Well, I forgot.

Remember Gregory?

Who can forget?

Hi, Greg.

(SPEAKS WITH ACCENT) Gregory.

Right. Gregory.

Oh, look. There's Mimi.

Hi, Mimi!

Ooh, la, la.

Who is that?

Ben Calder.

He's a college friend.

Oh, he is something.

Bet you a buck she goes home with him tonight.

I hated him.

I can't believe he did this.

I knew it.

I knew it.

God.

I hate him.

I know.

I know.

Why'd you sleep with him?

What do you mean, why did I sleep with him?

I didn't know I'd hate him.

Oh.

Oh god.

[cough] - How you doing?

I saw your play.

I really liked it. Hey.

[bump] Ow.

I'm sorry.

Ow.

I'm sorry.

It's nothing personal I was just trying to squeeze by.

No. That's fine.

[laughing]

Sure.

Excuse me.

Nice broach.

[exhales]

[dance music]

[giggling]

I can't believe you take this shit.

[laughing]

JIMMY: Do you ever dream of the perfect woman?

Only every night.

Well, my perfect woman looks just like Paula.

Except she's smart enough to overcome the handicap

of being beautiful.

SINGER: (SINGING IN SPANISH)

WOMAN: He's such a prick.

You know that?

He's a real prick.

I know.

I know.

Men are real bastards.

You know that?

Real fucking bastards.

I know.

I know.

So why'd you sleep with him?

Because-- I didn't know he'd be that much of a bastard.

Oh.

[blows smoke]

SINGER: (SINGING IN SPANISH)

[whispering]

You can try.

Excuse me.

Do you have a bathroom?

Yes.

Would you like to use it?

Please.

Down the hallway.

Last door on your right.

Thank you.

But Problema.

Hey, Paula.

Fuck off, Sean.

OK.

[latin music]

WOMAN: I really thought he was the one.

You know? - I know.

I know. [glass shattering]

But before we even got started,

I had this really bad feeling about him.

You know?

[breathing heavy]

I know.

I know.

So why'd you sleep with him?

Well, I really thought he was the one.

Oh.

SINGER: (SINGING IN SPANISH)

Just so that I know, Sean, is there a woman here

tonight you haven't slept with?

Yes.

Her.

[sighs]

How you doing?

Good.

(SINGING) So not feeling always

til it's time to take to home.

Every time.

On an easy steal--

You've just been through a lot of relationships.

You know?

Yeah.

Well, I guess I just haven't been that lucky.

Lucky?

What about Rachel?

Rachel?

My god.

Mimi, that was ages ago.

What about Rachel?

Oh, come on, Jimmy.

She was nice.

Very nice.

MIMI: She was beautiful.

Like she was really beautiful.

Yeah. So?

Well, what was wrong with her?

I don't know.

It just didn't feel right. MIMI: Mm.

Jimmy, you shouldn't have broken up with her.

Mimi, we had nothing in common.

And I just wasn't interested.

Well, I just think you were kind of lucky to be going

out with someone like her.

Should I be offended?

Why?

Well, I mean, you make it sound like I didn't have

the right to break up with her.

What are you talking about?

Like who do I think I am?

No.

No.

I just think she's beautiful.

And she's so nice.

That's all.

[clears throat]

So where's Ben?

Oh, he had to go.

Oh.

[laughter]

Oh.

Oh, oh. Oh, oh.

I got one.

I got one.

What's the best way to give a woman an orgasm?

Heh?

Hey?

Who cares?

[laughing hysterically]

Excuse me.

Hey, where you going?

It's late.

I got to go.

Well, come on.

Stick around.

The party's not over yet.

[laughs]

Yeah.

Well, it is for me.

Thanks for the invite.

Why?

You didn't even give me a chance to tell you all about myself.

[laughs]

Who cares?

[knocking]

Shit.

Just a minute.

You lied to me.

I did?

Yes, you did.

You told me you quit smoking.

I-- Yeah.

I have quit.

Well, then I guess the person smoking in here

just jumped out the window.

[laughing]

I guess so.

Why did you lie to me?

Um-- I--

What are you feeling inside that

makes you have to lie to me?

Inside?

Mm.

You've been hurt, haven't you?

Uh, huh.

I know you won't lie to me unless somebody's hurt you.

I know what you're feeling.

I know.

I know.

Mm.

[laughs nervously]

[moaning]

I mean, I'm sure women are having a good time with me.

I'm just not sure they're having a good time,

if you know what I mean.

You're not sure if they're having orgasms.

I'm pretty sure.

I mean, they seem like they're having orgasms.

But I'm just not really sure.

Oh, shit, man.

I gave up worrying about that a long time ago.

What?

Sean, look, that's all I used to ever think about.

Was it good for her?

Did she cum?

I finally realized that I was so caught up

worrying about her orgasm that I wasn't even

enjoying having sex myself.

Whoa.

Yeah.

And whenever I asked if it was good,

well, they'd get mad at me and tell

me that I had an ego problem.

So I figured, hey, what's the point.

Yeah.

I guess.

Well, like I know they're enjoying it with me.

Right?

I just wonder sometimes.

Look, I figure if the woman doesn't have the guts to show

me what to do, or be responsible enough to get herself off,

I figure she doesn't deserve an orgasm.

Yeah.

Maybe.

But you know what I think?

I think it's all some big female conspiracy.

What is?

Women having orgasms.

I think it's a myth.

[blows smoke]

I'll uh-- see you in the morning, boys.

[muttering]

SEAN: Good party.

JIMMY: Good party.

TIM: Great party.

[laughing]

JIMMY: Great party.

SEAN: Nice babes.

JIMMY: Nice babes.

SEAN: Didn't score though.

JIMMY: Nope.

Didn't score.

SEAN: Tim scored.

[laughs]

JIMMY: Oh, Tim scored.

SEAN: Anybody else score?

JIMMY: I don't know.

I think Mimi's hot for Ben Calder, though.

Oh, yeah.

How do you know?

I just know.

I've known Mimi long enough to know when she is in heat.

And heat is right.

That guy's going to have the time of his life.

What do you mean?

I mean, the woman is wild.

Shit.

Really?

How do you know?

SEAN: I fucked her last winter.

You did?

When?

SEAN: When we all went on that ski week.

Yeah.

You weren't there.

Were you?

No.

No. I had to teach.

Wow.

You slept with Mimi.

SEAN: Oh, yeah.

She was great.

She was?

Awesome.

Best blowjob I ever had.

Really?

SEAN: And she's got the nicest roundest breasts.

Huge nipples.

What a body.

Hm.

And can she fuck.

Really?

SEAN: Oh yeah.

She was awesome.

[laughs]

Shit.

That guy's going to get cranked.

Really?

[glass shatters]

Fuck.

Look, that'll be it for today, folks.

I'll see you all on Thursday.

There's something I want to show you.

I beg your pardon?

[laughs]

I said, there's something I want to show you.

Oh, really.

Uh, what's that?

Me.

You?

Yeah.

Me.

You-- you were right.

We should keep this just between two people.

[laughs]

You're Jane Doe.

Yeah.

Wow.

I thought we were never supposed to see.

Oh, well, you aren't.

But I'm changing the rules.

You are?

Why?

Because I don't agree with them.

You were at the party on Saturday night.

JANE DOE: Yep.

And I'm probably going to get in a lot of trouble

for doing this.

Oh, they may even kick me off the experiment.

JIMMY: Oh, but you spent all this time.

Oh, that's OK.

I mean, you know, I've learned a few things.

I'll start my own project.

[laughs]

JANE DOE: You seem uncomfortable.

Is there something wrong? - No.

No.

It's-- no.

It's just, you know, strange seeing you all of a sudden.

Well, I had a picture, you know, in my mind.

- Disappointed. - No.

No.

I mean, it's-- it's good.

I mean, it's good to see you, finally.

[laughs nervously]

You know, I have--

I've really never met a man like you before.

What do you mean?

Well, for someone as physically attractive

as you are, it's rare to find someone

so intellectually elegant.

My.

Thank you. - Really.

I mean it.

I mean, you're really different.

You know, you're not afraid to show your weaknesses.

You seem to almost celebrate them.

Well, I don't see any reason to hide them.

JANE DOE: And that's what I like about you.

Humility and looks.

That's rare.

And you're really, really good at it too.

Hm?

JANE DOE: Well, I'll bet tons of women fall for it.

Fall for what?

Well, your con.

What con?

Your looks, your elegance, your humility,

and, ungh, I can tell you, it really is a turn on.

It's not a con.

JANE DOE: Yeah.

Jimmy, it's so good a con, you don't even know it's a con.

But it's not a con.

Everybody's got a con.

I've got a con.

You've got a con.

We've all got a con to get what we want.

And yours, it is-- mhm-- it's really different, you know.

But it's all camouflage.

You think you're better than most people.

[laughs] - No, I don't.

Yeah, you do.

You're a bit of an arrogant, self-righteous

son of a bitch, James Rovinski.

And I think you hide it behind a wall of humility.

Really?

Really?

And I think that you are really offended

when a woman isn't attracted to you, offended to your core.

Look, I think I have learned to live with the fact

that not every woman is attracted to me.

Yeah.

Well, you may learn to live with it.

But you don't accept it.

That's not true.

You never get the women you want, Jimmy.

I mean, it seems to me, you're attracted to intelligent women.

But somehow, they always get away from you.

So?

So-- so maybe--

maybe they sense you're looking down on them.

I mean, they can't explain it because you hide it so well.

But they feel it.

And it turns them off.

Look, what are you--

you don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about.

JANE DOE: Oh, really?

Think about it, Rovinski.

Just think about it.

[phone ringing]

JIMMY: Hi.

Thanks for calling.

Please leave a message for Sean, Tim, or Jimmy after the beep.

Thanks for calling.

Bye.

MIMI (ON PHONE): Hey, Jim.

It's Mimi.

I'm just calling to make sure we're

on for dinner tomorrow night.

Give me a call back.

Bye.

SINGER: (SINGING) Every time she break if you relay every--

[phone ringing]

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Hello.

PAULA: Hello, James, dear.

Did I wake you up?

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Yes.

Well, it's late morning.

You should be getting up anyway.

Listen, I was just calling to thank you about the party

Saturday night.

I really appreciate it.

JIMMY (ON PHONE): Paula--

Paula, you know how when you go to bed at night

and you're not really sure about something,

and then you wake up in the morning

and suddenly you're sure?

Yes.

Well, I'm sure I don't want you calling me anymore.

[laughs]

I beg your pardon.

I'm also sure that I don't want to go

out to dinner with you anymore.

What?

As a matter of fact, I'm sure I don't

ever want to see you again.

Jimmy.

Don't bother me any more.

OK.

Please?

Bye Paula.

(SINGING) All black nature.

Oh, hey Jim.

How you doing?

JIMMY: Hey, Sean.

Where are you off to?

JIMMY: I'm going to Mimi's for dinner.

Oh.

Listen, Jimmy, it occurred to me that maybe I

shouldn't have told you anything about what happened between me

and Mimi.

You know, I was kind of hammered on Saturday night.

And I just kind of forgot how you feel about her.

Yeah.

Well, did you just kind of forget

while you were fucking her too?

Come on, Jim.

I'm trying to apologize here.

JIMMY: Really?

Well, don't sweat it, Seany boy.

Maybe someday I'll sleep with somebody

you're in love with if you ever fall in love with anybody.

Yeah.

Well, just so you know, it was one of those things.

We were drunk.

And it just happened.

It didn't mean anything.

Great.

It didn't mean anything.

Well, that's just great.

You know, I think that's what bothers me the most.

Fuck.

Oh, come on.

You have more friends than this.

Yeah.

But these are the ones I like.

[laughing]

MIMI: No, really.

I want to have a big, big party for you.

Honestly, I can't think of anybody else.

Do you want to invite Paula?

What do you think?

I don't know.

No.

I do not want to invite Paula.

MIMI: Oh, I know.

How about Ben?

JIMMY: Ben?

You mean Ben Calder.

Yeah.

How about him?

Oh, Ben.

Well, Ben and I aren't, you know, really that good friends.

Yeah.

Well, why don't we just invite him anyway?

Yeah.

I guess so.

OK.

Ben and his girlfriend.

- He's got a girlfriend? - Yeah.

Yeah.

He's got a girlfriend.

Oh.

What a bummer?

He is such a cutey.

[laughs]

What's wrong?

Mimi, why do you want to have this party?

What?

The party.

Why do you want to have this party for me?

Because you're my friend.

And it's your birthday.

And I thought it would be a nice thing to do.

JIMMY: That's the only reason? - Yeah.

JIMMY: Really?

Well, what are you getting at?

JIMMY: There is no other reason?

Like what?

Like maybe you're interested in one of my friends.

And if he was at the party, that would be the perfect chance

to get at him.

Is that what you think?

JIMMY: I don't know.

Yes.

Yes.

That is what I think.

Should I?

What do you think I am?

I don't know, Mimi.

But why don't you just tell me when you're interested in one

of my friends.

Why don't you just say, Jimmy, I find Ben attractive.

Will you set me up?

I didn't know.

It just doesn't feel right.

JIMMY: Yeah.

And why doesn't it feel right?

I don't know.

Well, I'll tell you why.

Because we're not friends.

MIMI: What are you talking about?

If we were friends, you wouldn't

have any trouble telling me who you're interested in.

No. That's not true.

I always tell you about my boyfriends.

Yeah.

When you're going out with them.

But whenever we're single we never talk

about who we're interested in.

What is wrong with you?

That's just bullshit.

JIMMY: Oh, is it?

Then why didn't you tell me that you fucked Sean?

He told you. JIMMY: Yes.

He told me.

What'd you expect?

The schmuck is only my best friend.

Oh, that son of a bitch.

Well, if we're such good friends then

why didn't you tell me?

Because I--

I'll tell you why.

For the same reason that you couldn't tell me

that you're interested in Ben.

Because you couldn't.

No.

I didn't want to hurt you.

[laughs]

And you think doing it this way isn't going to hurt me?

Having a party for me?

How fucking ignorant do you think I am?

I'm not blind.

Do you think I wouldn't be hurt if you started seeing him?

Oh, what difference does it make.

Nothing's going to happen now.

He's got a girlfriend.

No, he doesn't.

I just told you that to see how you'd react.

You bastard.

Yeah, well, at least now I know.

How many others didn't you tell me about?

Oh, you know what?

I can't believe this.

What gives you the right to say this kind of shit to me?

We're friends, Jimmy.

That doesn't mean you can tell me

who I should be sleeping with. - OK.

Fine.

And what a sexist asshole you're being.

I don't hear you talking to your guy friends like this.

Sean sleeps with whoever he wants to.

Why don't you bitch at him too?

Because I am not in love with Sean.

MIMI: Jimmy, you and I are just friends.

If you can't handle that, that's your problem.

You're right, Mimi.

Yeah.

It is my problem.

For five years it's been my problem.

For five years I have watched you go out with other people.

And you know what?

I'm sick of it.

And I'm sick of pretending to be your friend.

I'm sick of having to keep my distance when all I want to do

is just grab you.

We're not friends, Mimi.

And we never have been because of the way I feel about you.

We are just friends.

And you're going to have to get used to it.

No.

I've tried, Mimi.

I really have.

And we should be friends, but I can't.

And I'm ashamed I can't.

And I'm tired of feeling ashamed.

I'm tired of feeling hurt, and jealous, and not good enough.

I'm tired of trying to be your friend.

For five years, Mimi, I have tried.

And I can't.

I really can't anymore.

So what are you saying?

I don't think we should see each other anymore, Mimi.

I don't think we can be friends.

I did something I don't think anybody's ever done.

I broke up with two people.

And I wasn't going out with either of them.

Oh, Christ.

That's got to be a first.

JANE DOE: So if you ever do find that one special woman,

what will she be like?

Rich.

Rich?

What?

You want to be a kept man?

Oh, yeah.

Well, it'd be nice.

I just don't want to have anybody depending on me.

You know?

I have a hard enough time being responsible for myself.

What else?

I guess I just want somebody that can see my side of things

too.

You know?

Understanding.

Yeah.

I know it sounds sappy.

But yeah.

And uh-- rich.

Yeah.

Understanding and rich with a great body.

[laughing]

You're a schmuck, Rovinski.

Uh, wait.

I've got something for you here.

[laughs]

Oh, well, thanks.

But they kicked me off the project.

Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear it.

Well, like I said, I'll start my own project.

Well, keep it for old time's sake then.

OK.

For old time's sake.

And if you ever need another guinea pig.

Well, thanks.

I might just take you up on that offer.

Well, thank you.

It's been interesting.

JIMMY: Interesting. Ouch.

[laughs]

Well, I've got to get going.

Maybe we'll see you around the department someday.

Yeah. I guess.

Well, farewell, Jane Doe.

Farewell, James Rovinski.

By the way, my name's Jo.

JIMMY: I'm sorry.

My name.

It's Jo, short for Joanne.

Nice to meet you Jo, short for Joanne.

Bye.

Hey Rovinski!

Listen, I know this is going to sound weird after everything

we've been through, but would you

have dinner with me some time?

Dinner?

Yeah.

Dinner.

You mean like a date?

Yeah.

A date.

[laughs]

I can't believe you're laughing at me.

No. No.

No. I'm not laughing at you.

I'm-- I'm flattered.

Flattered?

I thought you'd never ask.

[MUSIC - BRAD HAYES, "SAY THOSE THINGS"]

(SINGING) Words you told me not too long ago.

If you love me, better tell me so.

Say those things on your mind.

What you're saying is in between.

I wish you'd tell me just what you mean.

You've got to say those things on your mind.

It's not the truth, but it's not a lie

when you can't say the things that you feel inside.

Feel like you're walking on a moving track.

You take one step forward, and one step back.

Words you told me not too long ago.

If you love me, better tell me so.

Say those things on your mind.

What's you're saying is in between.

I wish you'd tell me just what you mean.

You've got to say those things on your mind.

It's not the truth, but it's not a lie

when you can't say the things that you feel inside.

Feel like you're walking on a moving track.

You take one step forward, and one step back.

What you say is all well and fine.

But what I'm missing is the bottom line.

You got to say those things that are on your mind.

It's not the truth, but it's not a lie

when you can't say the things that you feel inside.

Feel like you're walking on a moving track.

You take one step forward and one step back.

What you see is not what you get.

What's underneath just ain't come out yet.

You got to say those things on your mind.

Go on and say those things.

You got to say those things if they're on your mind.