Original subtitles

[uplifting music]

[enigmatic music]

[ethereal chiming]

[static]

[dramatic music]

[whimsical music]

[narrator] It began as a singularity,

the entire universe compressed into a space the size of a proton.

Then the Big Bang blew it apart!

[explosion]

-[whooshing] -Matter converted from energy

swirled and compressed itself into stars.

Red giants

and tiny white dwarfs.

[dramatic, whimsical music]

Stars congealed into galaxies,

massive nebula, and timeless spiral clusters,

spinning faster and faster into the endless void.

[sizzling]

-Black holes arose, swallowing matter. -Ho, ho, ho, ho-- Oh!

Constellations filled the night sky.

Libra.

[chiming]

Sagittarius.

Stifficus.

[whooshing]

[rumbling]

Planets took form.

-[gentle classical music] -Moons arose.

-Atoms formed molecules. -[beeping]

-Then molecules formed life... -[dramatic music continues]

...throughout the universe,

alien creatures, hideous in form.

[music increases]

-The Earth took form. -[monkey speaks gibberish]

[shrieks]

Then God appeared

and God's voice was heard.

[God] Shut up, you stupid monkey.

-[shrieking stops abruptly] -[squelching]

[wind blowing]

[narrator] And then... a single-celled organism

evolved on Earth

into the highest form of intellect known to God...

...man!

[cooing]

[Dix] It was one of those days you never forget.

I'd arrested Osmond Bin Laden at a Lakers-Knicks game.

Now I was back in DC

on the QT making my way ASAP to HQ

-when I heard the APB. -[woman on radio] All available units

to Big Joe's. Hostage situation.

-Unknown number of armed terrorists. -[siren wailing]

[Dix] The Washington PD needed

my expert negotiating skills,

perfected by years of volunteer service

with the pet rescue division.

Coaxing cats out of trees and gerbils out of holes

made you smart about a lot of things.

[man 1 on megaphone] This is the Washington police force.

There is no way out.

You have five minutes to give yourselves up

and counting!

You're surrounded!

Throw down your arms now!

-[glass shattering] -[clattering]

[indistinct chatter]

[whimsical, tense music]

Come out! We got you!

[man 2 on telecom] Yeah! and we got burgers...

-What? I'm not ordering food! -...and hostages and fries!

I'm ordering you to give yourselves up.

And I'm ordering one car for seven people to go

-and one plane. -One plain what?

One plain plane with pilot. Hold the crew.

I want those hostages now!

-One hostage, coming up. -What the f--

-[screaming] -[Dix] Those hostages were

-my new gerbils, and they needed Marshal "Dick" Dix... -[gunshots]

-...to get them out. -[dramatic music]

-[brakes screeching] -[clinks]

Oh, shit!

-[rumbling] -[engine revving]

-Dix, this is police business. You have no jurisdiction here. -Hmm.

-Now get lost! -[gunshots]

Whoa!

[glass shattering]

[indistinct screaming]

[clangs]

[grunting]

All right!

[light suspenseful music]

-Well... -[indistinct chatter on radio]

...let's play a little game of Simon Says.

Good. Simon says,

-"Get your hands over your heads... -[gasping and grunting]

...and line up in front of me here."

Hurry it up!

-[loud creaking] -Let's go.

-[indistinct muttering] -Uh, what are you,

a bunch of fanatics? You hate this country?

You mad just because we don't play soccer here?

But, Mr. Simon,

-we're the hostages. -[hostage] Yeah.

Who do you think you're talking to? A dummy?

These hardworking immigrants are the backbone of this country.

They take jobs that nobody else takes.

They're the ones who put the dam on the Hoover,

the ones who put the railroad ties over the Great Divide,

-and they did it with a smile. -[creaking]

They weren't mad at anybody.

-[guns cocking] -[gasping]

Oh, no, no. Don't lower yourself to their level.

-I'll take care of this. -Hmm?

I'll see to it they get a fair trial,

-and then we'll string 'em up. -[dramatic music]

-[crashing] -[electrical buzzing and crackling]

[screaming]

-Fire the tear gas! -[firing shots]

-[hissing] -[coughing]

-[triumphant music] -[engine rumbling]

[tires screeching]

I'm going to kill him.

-[reporter 1] There he is! There he is! Marshal Dix! -[reporter 2] Dix!

-[reporter 3] Marshal Dix, can you tell us what happened? -Dix!

-[cross talk] -Let's get one thing clear here.

This situation was not created by the police.

It was created by people who were getting in the way of the police.

The police are not here to create disorder.

The police are here to protect disorder.

[reporters] Hmm.

-[engine rumbling] -[grunts]

-You come back here! -[explosion]

[gasps and groans]

[reporters] Marshal Dix! Marshal Dix!

[Dix] There's nothing better than a job well done

and delicately handled.

Now it was time to meet the big boss,

-Secretary Osgood. -[reporter 4] Marshal-- Marshal Dix!

I loved my job. Every day was different. Every assignment was different.

Everything about the department was different.

[reporters shouting indistinctly]

[officer] Hold it right there! Hold it!

[band playing upbeat jazz music]

-[officer 1] Enough, enough. Stop. Stop! -This is not respectful

-to the deceased. This ain't... -[officer 2] How you hangin', Dix?

-...funeral music. -Hey, jump to it, come on.

[upbeat jazz music continues]

-[cross talk] -[grunting]

[blow horn honks]

-Go! Go! -No, no!

-[indistinct chatter] -[Dix] To the untrained eye,

this place looked like the normal bullpen of any old precinct.

But hidden deep within the bowels of this building,

-grave matters of state were at play. -[beeping]

-[Osgood] Dix. Come on in. -[man] ...sure. Why?

-Good to see you, my boy. -Good to see you, Mr. Secretary.

This is Cassandra Menage, executive officer on Vegan.

-Hi. Good. Hi. -How do you do?

Miss Menage is in charge of human and alien affairs.

-That some kind of, uh, dating service? -No.

She oversees our sensitive alien operations.

Oh, well, there's nothing sensitive about them.

You just need more men. Tighten up the border patrols.

Dix.

I'm talking about alien aliens.

U-- Alien aliens. [stuttering] Yeah.

-[whimsical music] -You mean, like the ones from outer space?

Yes. Vegan is a lunar base, just like Area 51,

but shielded from Earth by a reflective bubble.

And there are plenty of aliens there.

Cassandra files classified reports

to the various international governments

involved in the project, ours included.

-[fanfare music] -This latest one, she's delivered in person.

If what she says is true, the future of our planet is at stake.

Well, that could be serious.

Now, I know it smells funny, but the president

-of the United States has been kidnapped... -[sniffs]

-[whimsical music] -...and is being held captive on Vegan.

The man in the White House is a clone.

Uh, just a minute. It says here that,

"The man in the White House is a clown."

Clone.

-"Clone," that's what it says here. -Yeah, I know. That's my report.

-[Osgood] This isn't a joke, Dix. -Well, I know that, sir,

it's just that I saw the president on television the other night.

-But that wasn't the president. -She's right.

We're all set up for memory recapture.

Have a seat, Marshal.

[sighs] Cassandra,

your brain waves will be transmitted to the screen,

-so we'll be able to see exactly what you saw and heard. -[whirring and beeping]

When you're ready, I want you to tell us what happened.

Let's close your eyes.

Relax.

Let your unconscious take over.

-Let your mind go blank. -[snoring]

[snoring loudly]

Dix.

-Dix! -[gasps]

You need to watch the screen.

[whirring and beeping continue]

[high-pitched whirring]

[high-pitched ringing]

[Cassandra] I'd gone to the Vegan mines

to investigate a grievance

by one of the miners.

-[suspenseful music] -After a lot of turns and twists,

I realized I was completely lost.

-My way was blocked by a cave-in. -[soft dripping]

Then I noticed light coming through a crack in the wall.

I moved forward and found myself in a room

overlooking some kind of an operating theater.

[indistinct chatter]

A man was talking in an alien dialect,

so I switched the Auto-Trans to English

to see if I could recognize his voice, but I couldn't.

[man] ...I will get that silicon for you

if you make me leader of a new world.

[indistinct chatter]

By using DNA building blocks,

I will create clones of existing world leaders

who will follow our orders.

[whirring]

-Activate the cloning machine. -[machine whirring]

-And now, for our latest clone creation... -[chiming]

-...a world leader... admired by all. -[dramatic music]

And there he was, Groucho Marx!

But what happened next was more frightening still.

[man] In Washington, the man in power, the president,

is a clone, our clone.

Now, let me introduce you to his predecessor,

-the real president of the United States. -[triumphant fanfare music]

[indistinct cheering and chattering]

[alien] Now, with our clone in control, we will take your Earth

and all its silicon too.

Then it's hasta la vista!

[laughs evilly]

-Bastards! -[indistinct chatter]

And that's when I ran as fast as I could.

They took the president, took his DNA,

and put an impostor in the White House.

Kidnapping, robbery, and fraud.

That's what I call breaking the law.

Dix, I want you to go to Vegan to make a routine inspection.

-I'll arrange the clearances. -[softly] Mm-hmm.

If the president is there, find him and bring him back.

Remember, the implications here are very grave.

Any mistakes, even fumbles, will be denied at this end.

As far as we're concerned, you're acting on your own.

[dramatic music]

And when you and Miss Menage meet again on Vegan,

you've never seen each other before.

-Is that clear? -I've forgotten already.

It'll take me a little longer than that.

-Oh, that's so nice! -Oh, thank you.

Always had a good memory, even as a boy.

-[whimsical music] -[whirring and beeping]

-Um, well, Marshal... -Miss, uh--

-Menage. Yeah. -Uh, Menage.

-[Osgood] Congratulations, Miss Menage. Thank you. -Uh-- hmm.

-[whirring] -Richard,

if you don't stop pulling your thing,

you're gonna go blind!

[young Dix] But I like pulling on it, Mom.

Mrs. Dix, your son is rapidly losing his sight,

and we don't know why.

[young Dix] Mom, meet my new girlfriend.

[Dix's mother] Richard, you gotta wear your glasses.

[howling]

[Osgood] I have the utmost faith in you, Marshal Dix.

-Have a good flight. -Thank you, Mr. Secretary.

I think this must be broken.

-[beeping] -[indistinct shouting]

[Dix] I didn't have a lot of time. I had to catch a plane

to Cape Kennedy, then the shuttle to Vegan,

-and avoid any pressing delays. -Excuse--

-[sumo wrestler grunts] -[groans]

[upbeat whimsical music]

[grunting and groaning]

[groans]

[screaming]

[Dix] The department was gonna have to dive in at the deep end

because I was headed for the moon to maybe rescue

the president of the United States.

-[dramatic music] -[hissing]

[rumbling]

["The Blue Danube" by Johann Strauss II]

[soft buzzing]

[clicking]

[squishing]

[bubbling]

[bubbling]

["The Blue Danube" continues]

[slurping]

-[pops] -[grunts]

-[sneezes loudly] -[whooshing]

[thudding]

[clattering]

[grunts]

-[alarm blaring] -[woman on PA] Artificial gravity enabled.

Warning. Artificial gravity may cause hallucinations.

["The Blue Danube" continues]

[door whirring]

[woman screaming echoes]

-[man screaming echoes] -[door whirring]

-[door whirring] -["The Blue Danube" playing]

[door whirring]

[rumbling]

[whimsical music]

[woman on PA] Warning. Artificial gravity...

-[beeping] -...off.

[whimsical, tense music]

Please remember to lower the seat.

[farting]

[dramatic music]

[wind blowing]

[belt snaps]

-[belt snaps] -[shouting]

[bubbling]

-[belt snaps] -[screaming]

[thuds]

-[belt snaps] -[all screaming]

[clangs]

[engine rumbling]

[indistinct chatter]

[alien] This should help beam me up. I've got to get back to my ship.

-Scotty, Bones, Mr. Spock, where the hell are you? -[indistinct chatter continues]

[buzzing and chiming]

[Dix] Secretary Osgood was right when he told me

there were plenty of aliens on Vegan,

but he'd forgotten to tell me how butt-ugly they were.

They were ugly from any direction.

[man speaking indistinctly on PA]

-...please report to Gate C for assistance. -Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. The rules. Smuggling or assisting any alien back to Earth

-means immediate imprisonment. Open your bag, please. -Yo, is that Marshal Dix?

Everything's all right. He's police.

Lieutenant Shitzu, Vegan Security.

-MSWIC. -Miss Who?

MSWIC. M-S-W-I-C?

I'm the Mother-Sucker-Who's-In-Charge.

-Is this your bag? -[man on PA] The escalators are for...

-Hmm. -I'm writing a book.

Welcome to Vegan, Marshal Dix.

That's right, isn't it, Dix? As in more than one dick.

-[grunts] -Uh, it's good to be some place

-where your feet will do what you tell 'em to. -[groaning]

[man on PA] Attention! Attention!

Sensors have detected an alien

-hiding in a human life-form. -[alarm blaring]

-This is strictly forbidden. -Oh, no!

Repeat, this is strictly forbidden.

[indistinct screaming]

We're coming outsy. Come on, boys. Let's go!

Get out of the way! Down, down!

-Get your monkey ass down! Go! -[Dix] What's going on?

-[Shitzu] That fool's a conversion! -[Dix] Do you need

-holy water for that? -Let me explain it to you

like this. When these brothers first came here,

we didn't know about their plans to use conversions

-to take over the Earth. -Okay, men!

Lucky for us, all our asses were saved

due to the sounds of our modern life.

Stuff like Arcade, TV, rap, hip-hop,

-all that irritatin' shit. -Suck him up! Suck him up!

High-pitched sounds makes these suckers explode.

[machine rattling]

Close the lid.

-Baboom! -[explosion]

-[hissing] -[all shouting]

-Everybody all right? Good. -[machine powers down]

[mutters indistinctly]

[grunts, speaks in Italian]

...I am Captain Valentino Di Pasquale.

-I don't speak alien. -Alie-- [chuckles] he ain't kickin' no alien,

jive-ass lingo. He's just keepin' it real.

He's trying to show you some love, know what I mean?

-What? -[Valentino speaking in Italian]

-...uh, he try to speak in a piccolo ebonico. -Pickle what?

No disrespect, but y'all up in this ice cream. You don't even know the flavor.

What do you think, that I don't speak plain English?

Please, uh, my father was from Brooklyn--

-What's he-- -You know, man, did years in Vegas, babe.

[in sing-song] Who can take the sun-- Yeah!

[in normal voice] Write that, babe. Yeah. [chuckles]

-The guy's right. -[humming] Yeah!

Uh, Marshal... [speaks in Italian]

-...eh, eh, this way. -Hmm.

[indistinct chatter]

[dramatic music]

[engines rumbling]

[whirring and whooshing]

[indistinct chatter]

Our Operation and Research director, Dr. Pratt,

is standing by to show you around.

Now, Base Commander couldn't be here.

"Sorry," he said, but he's out playing golf.

-[soldier] Sir. -Everything is okay?

-[soldier] Yes, sir. -Good. That means nothing works.

-But he did ask me to escort you to a reception here tonight. -[beeps]

[whirring]

-[chiming] -[beeps]

[sighs] Yeah. One stronzo alien less. [chuckles]

[door whirring]

Huh, Dr. Pratt?

-[door whirring] -[sighs]

Dr. Pratt?

-Yes, Lieutenant? Ah. -Oh, you scared me again. You got me.

Oh, you keep getting me each time, I tell you.

[whimsical music]

This is Marshal Dix.

[Griffin] Oh, yes. Right on time.

I'll never understand these inspections.

What are we looking for this time?

Routine.

Perhaps you may be interested in seeing

-my pièce de résistance? -Piece of what?

My scale replica of the entire complex.

Here's the entrance to the mines,

the administration complex...

-[softly] Oh. -...the spaceport, all the details.

Now, we are here.

Ah.

No, no, no, no, no! Don't touch.

-It's very delicate. -Doctor, the next time you're on Earth,

I'll show you the paper cup model plane I made.

I certainly look forward to that.

-[door whirring] -[sensual music]

-Here's your report, Dr. Pratt. -Thank you.

Gentlemen, my assistant, Yetta Pussel.

-Gentlemen. -[Griffin] I took the liberty of requesting a copy

of the last routine inspection you people made.

-[sighs softly] -Follow me.

-Now. -[whirring and buzzing]

All our research is carried out here.

Our study of silicon, for example.

Abundant on Earth, nonexistent on many other planets.

For most aliens, it's life-supporting, like food is to us.

-[rustling] -[bubbling]

Hence our ongoing conflict with them

and our tight security here.

-And it works real good on the old Johnson. -Johnson? President Johnson?

There are no presidents on Vegan, Marshal.

I'm afraid we're being battered by a mistaken sense of humor.

-All right, my main man, Marshal Dix. -Uh, okay.

-[Shitzu] All right. -Dr. Uschi Künstler, Senior Base Science Officer.

-Doctor. -Yes.

Of psychology, parapsychology, and solar proctology.

I also supervise genetic replication.

-Uh... -Clones?

Uh, are those clones?

No, just plain old-fashioned rabbits.

But we've made major advances with sheep.

-Molly, for instance, was created only yesterday. -[bleating]

The exact age and likeness of Dolly, her mother-in-law.

-Can you do that with human beings? -No, that's not allowed.

It's strictly against international policy.

I should hope so. It's against my policy too.

I was in the Marines.

Oh. Now, uh...

C-- careful. That's the rapid cloning switch.

You tamper with that, and we'd be overrun with, uh, all kinds of animals.

-Uh-huh. -We've arranged

for our Officer of Human-Alien Affairs,

-Cassandra Menage, to show you to your quarters. -[Dix] Huh.

-I'm headed in that direction. Maybe the marshal and I... -[blowing]

-...could go down together-- -[rattles]

[whimsical music]

-[clattering and thudding] -[indistinct shouting]

[door whirring]

-[Griffin] I've just met him. -[shouting continues]

Yes. From what I can see,

he'll be absolutely fine.

-[chiming] -[whirring]

[beeping]

[chuckles softly]

-Uh, uh, uh-- -[buzzing]

[woman on PA] Turbo power enabled.

-[whooshing] -[grunting]

[chiming]

[groaning]

Welcome to Vegan, Marshal Dix.

Eh, glad to be here.

[both grunting]

[elevator chimes]

Oh! The very person we wanted to see.

-This is Marshal Dix. -[whimsical music]

-[Dix groans and grunts] -[gasps loudly]

-[gasps] -Oh-- ooh!

[Dix groans]

-[Uschi] He's... [farts] -[gasps]

[shakily] he's here...

[both grunting]

...h-- he's here on a routine inspection.

Yes, I can see that.

-[grunts] -Menage. Cassandra Menage.

Nice to meet ya.

[Uschi groans] The marshal...

[grunting]

...the marshal needs to be accommodated.

Marshal, you can let me down now.

[both grunting]

-[both panting] -[exhales loudly]

Perhaps you can take care of his needs?

Oh! Does he have any needs left to be taken care of?

Uh--

[whirring]

-[grunts] Uh-- -Well, it was nice meeting you, Marshal Dix.

Thank you. Me too.

[indistinct chatter]

-Marshal, if you please. -[Dix] In the space

of two hours, I checked into the room

I'd be sharing with Captain Di Pasquale,

unpacked my stuff, and then sent Cassandra

off to the library to look for base construction plans that might lead us

to the location of the secret cloning lab.

And now, armed with a dead-on, crime artist's sketch

of the alien I'd seen on Osgood's recapture screen,

I was ready for a little lunar socializing and snooping.

-What are you doing? -Well, uh, I'm your escort. I'm keeping tabs on you.

-Take your hand out of my pocket! -[indistinct chatter]

Go keep tabs on somebody else.

-[cork pops] -Hey, champagne!

[gentle classical music playing]

[waiter] Human refreshments.

[alien 1] He said he was my twin brother.

-[alien 2] Oh, waiter? Can I have a JB, please? -Hmm?

Bulk up with more carbohydrates.

[Dix] Apparently, some of these aliens

learned English by monitoring movies

on our TV transmission satellites.

They all sure sounded like Hollywood actors. Yep.

Even in outer space, everyone wants to be a star.

I think I've seen the alien that was in the caves.

-Yes, me too. -Oh.

-[Cassandra] There. -And Maria...

-[alien 2 laughs] -Oh! Who are you wearin'?

-Two? -Yeah.

Ah, Marshal Dix, there you are!

-[laughs] -How do you do?

Commander Sir Cecil Humphrey Wickernuts.

-My wife, Oona Hottenlocker-Wickernuts. -[laughs]

Oh! You're from Washington!

I do hope you'll put in a good word for us.

-Uh, what's that? -Uh, I, uh, uh,

-I found it on the floor. -Uh-- Ah! It's Grop! Uh, yeah, yes, mm--

No, no, no, it's Drong. [stutters]

-No, no, wait, uh... -Well, you know they say, they all look alike.

[laughter]

We're throwing a party for everyone tomorrow at the club.

Do join us.

-Miss Menage here will be singing too. -[gasps]

What a voice she has!

-True nightingale. [chuckles] -Thank you.

Miss Menage. Enchantè.

[kisses]

Excuse us, won't you?

There's something I'd like you to look at.

-Excuse me. -[Cecil] Of course.

-Excuse me. -[Shitzu] Yo, excuse me too.

[singing in Italian]

So, Marshal Dix, you gonna be my new roommate, eh? [chuckles]

-Yeah. -[speaks in Italian]

You see, this is a good way to know

where your food has been first.

[whimsical music]

[grumbling, grunting]

Eh?

-Uh, excuse me. -Please.

I thought you might like to hear how the Alien Courtesy Center is coming along.

It was your idea, you may remember.

Perhaps you'd like to come and see some of my... renderings.

[Cassandra] I'd be happy to. [chuckles]

All our erections on Vegan

are rubber-stamped by me, you know.

That must keep you busy.

Huh.

Hey, there, you ever done it monkey style?

-Hmm. -Too bad, it could've been a hairy ride.

-[clears throat] -[woman] Yeah.

[shouts] Oh! Oh, my God! My dress!

-[indistinct chatter] -[shouts]

[alien] She can sleep on my planet any time.

Do you like... the music?

I love the sound of the flute. I play a little my--

-[music continues] -Myself.

Dr. Pratt? Is, uh,

is this, uh-- this here, is this yours?

-Where did you get that? -It was on the floor.

[breathes loudly]

-Uh-- -Thank you.

[gentle classical music playing]

Come this way.

Let's sit here, shall we, Miss Menage?

Waiter.

Uh--

Hmm?

[screeching]

Ugh.

[alien exclaims]

Uh...

-Uh? -Excuse me.

[softly] What?

[whimsical music continues]

Hi. Uh, excuse me, uh,

I, I don't think these false eyelashes become you.

-[alien] Spoilsport. -[Griffin] Ah!

-delicious. -[Cassandra] Thank you.

-Bon appétit. -Merci.

Excuse me, Dr. Pratt. Uh, Captain Pasquale is gonna take me back

to the apartment in a few minutes. You can reach me there

-if you need me. -Okay.

-Good night. -Good night, Dix.

[gentle classical music continues playing]

[gasps softly]

[inhales sharply]

[exclaims, grunts]

-Excuse me. -Yeah.

Thank you, I thought I'd never get rid of him.

-Leave now before he gets back. -Okay, okay. Thanks.

[whimsical tone]

Miss Menage has gone back to her apartment. She's got a headache.

Really? Well, that's too bad.

Oh, yeah. It is, uh, is real bad, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

[door whirring]

It is important in life to have two boxes.

One for food... [chuckles] and one for fun.

As you can see, I'm not only a master of the buffet,

I'm also a master of disguise.

All kinds. Look.

-[playful music] -[grunts]

Oh! [grunting]

-[slurping] -[splashing]

[mumbling, in Irish accent] Oh, very good.

[shouts, groans]

[chuckling]

-Heh? -Uh, what?

Oh, the final touch.

Now, Marshal, you don't gonna believe to your eyes.

Look my special magic makeup. [chuckling]

-Eh? Do you like it? -Ah, very good.

I know. I know. [chuckles] Oh, sorry.

Let me unzip your face.

-Voilà. -[phone chiming]

-[sighs] -Ooh.

-The telephone. -Oh.

-Yes? -[Cassandra] I'm at Pratt's. It's all clear.

[Dix] I got over there faster than a speeding bullet,

if you know what I mean.

If any plans existed on Vegan

that could lead us to the human cloning lab

and the kidnapped president,

I was sure this is where they would be.

[light whimsical music]

My job was to get in, get the plans, and get out

-as quickly and quietly as possible. -[grunting]

[shouts, thuds]

[groan echoes]

[groans softly]

[grunting]

[sighs]

-[window squeaking] -[gasps]

[thudding and clattering]

[squishes]

[grunting]

[sighs]

-[static] -Cassandra?

-[Cassandra] Yes. -I'm in.

-Roger. -[static]

[door whirring]

[suspenseful music]

[door whirring]

[light whimsical music]

[rustling]

-[squeaking] -[clatter]

[groans]

-[squishing] -It's all clear down here.

[squelching]

[rustling]

-["Can Can" by Offenbach playing loudly] -[gasping]

-[music stops] -[panting]

-[whimsical, suspenseful music] -[rustling]

-[rattles] -[grunts]

[table cracks]

Uh--

[grunts]

[clattering]

-[rumbling] -[gasping]

-[crashing] -Oh!

-[whirring] -[cuckoo chirps on clock]

[music continues]

[grunting]

[thuds]

[groans]

-[whirring] -I saw lights flashing

in your office,

and someone was dancing the cancan.

Right. Let's have a look, shall we?

-[static] -It's Pratt.

I'm-- I'm coming. I'm on my way.

-[dramatic music] -[clattering]

[thudding]

-[door whirring] -[crashing]

-[alarm blaring] -[panting]

What kind of man would do something like that?

I know exactly what kind of man, Dr. Künstler.

[sheep bleating]

And I promise you...

...he's going to pay dearly for this.

Very dearly!

[bleating]

[tense music]

-[bleating] -[gasps]

[speaks indistinctly, shouts]

-[thudding] -[groaning]

[cheerful music]

[dramatic music]

[alarm blaring distantly]

[Dix] Who is it?

This is Dr. Pratt.

I want a few words with you, Marshal.

Yes?

I don't have all day, Dix!

Just open the door, will you?

Uh,

um, I'll be a moment, Dr. Pratt.

[Griffin] Dix, I have a bone to pick with you.

-Now, open this door now! -[clattering]

[shouts] Open the door!

[Dix] Just putting on my trousers.

Just putting on my trousers.

[Griffin] Ah...

...just cleaning yourself up, are you, Marshal?

You are shaving, aren't you?

Uh, yes, I shave my whole face.

Uh, my whiskers grow pretty fast.

-Does it really? -Uh, I start very early

when I have an important function to attend,

like the one, uh, this evening, and, uh--

Oh, uh, come in, come in, uh-- Oh, oh, good to see you, Doctor.

[grunting] Let go of my hand, Dix!

-Oh, oh, my-- -[spits] What are you doing?

-[mumbles] -You fool! Let go of me!

-Let me-- -What are you doing to me?

-Here-- -Look at me! What are you doing?

Dix, you imbecile! Stop it! [breathing heavily]

There's something I want you to know.

I know who you are, and I know why you're here,

but you are never, never going to find him!

[grunts loudly]

[upbeat dance music playing]

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

The man behind this whole thing is Dr. Griffin Pratt.

He as much as told me he's got the president prisoner.

He even challenged me to go find him.

He's as guilty as jam lips kissing a fruit tart.

-Pratt. -Yeah.

-We have to be very careful. -Yeah.

I gotta go change now. See you later.

[waiter 1] You'll have a Moonbanger?

[bubbling]

[humming]

Think I'll skip this one.

-You and Shitzu keep an eye on Dr. Pratt tonight. -[Valentino] Okay.

[music continues playing]

Please.

Marshal Dix wants us to keep an eye on Dr. Pratt.

-[speaks in Italian] -Dr. Pratt? Why Dr. Pratt?

Well, uh, I don't know,

but I do know what I better do right now.

Excuse me. [grunts and groans]

Ooh, what a line.

Mm-hmm.

-[man] Zip it, wacko, this is a bar! -Sorry.

[waiter 2] The piss hole's over there! Buzz off!

-Put your pecker in line, you yutz! -[groaning]

Your Majesties and humble beings, let's hear a warm Vegan welcome

for our star attraction, Miss Cassandra Menage.

[cheering and clapping]

[cheers and groans]

["Get Down Tonight" by Ophélie Winter playing]

♪ Baby, baby Let's get together ♪

♪ Honey, honey, me and you ♪

-[man] Uh-huh. -♪ And do the things ♪

♪ Oh, do the things ♪

♪ That we like to do ♪

-♪ Oh, do a little dance ♪ -[man grunting]

♪ Make a little love ♪

♪ Get down tonight Get down tonight ♪

-♪ Baby, baby... ♪ -[Dix] I didn't think anyone

could take my mind off of Pratt,

but suddenly there she was, onstage,

a woman who could take anyone's mind off of anything.

She had the deep nurturing instincts and strong family things that,

that make her the ideal mother for any unplanned child.

Cassandra was a nightingale.

The old saying, "Wet birds never fly at night,"

I think she could fly any time she wanted to.

♪ ...make a little love ♪

-♪ Get down tonight Get down tonight ♪ -[man grunting]

[vocalizes]

[man singing indistinctly]

[Dix] There he was, Dr. Griffin Pratt,

a man who could ruin anyone's wet dream.

Suave, cool, with all the moves of a slick ballroom dancer.

It's time for Dr. Pratt

to find out that he'd met his match,

-his intellectual equal. -♪ ...get down tonight ♪

-I was about to arrange that introduction. -[mumbling, indistinct chatter]

Dr. Pratt. You said to me,

"There's something I want you to know.

I know why you're here, and I know what you want."

There's something I want you to know. So do I.

-"So do I"? -Yes.

Know why I'm here and know what I want.

We stand here facing each other

like Chief Ten Bears and Josey Wales.

-"Chief Ten Bears"? -Yeah.

He would say, "There's iron in your words that you know

as there's iron in my words that I know.

And there's iron in the words that you ain't livin' if you don't know it."

Turn back to Chief Ten Bears before it's too late.

-"Chief Ten--" -Ten Bears.

-And the other one? -Josey Wales.

-Who's he? -Clint Eastwood.

-"Clint Eastwood"? -Yeah.

-Oh, hey, hey! -You are a very convincing thinker, Marshal.

Let me get back to you on this, all right?

[Valentino] Out of order?

It's 30 minutes I've been waiting here!

Look, uh, carbon-based life, you're gonna have to hold it in.

[Valentino] Damn it!

-[breathes heavily and grunts] -♪ Get down ♪

♪ Get down, get down ♪

-♪ Get down, get down tonight ♪ -[groaning]

-[door creaking] -[Valentino sighing]

[laughs]

-Yo, man, stand clear. -What is it?

-Another alien conversion? -Close enough.

-[alien] Get out of my way! -[man] Yeah.

[alien] Yoo-hoo, I am goin' to the moon! Yeah!

-Yeah! [laughs] -[clattering and rumbling]

♪ ...down, get down Get down tonight ♪

[clapping and cheering]

[upbeat dance music playing]

[alien] Get out of my way, dork!

[clanging and clattering]

-[explosion] -[man] Oh!

-[alien] Ooh! How sweet it is! -[cheering]

Hey, I'm out now! Give me another turd-raveling music!

[laughs]

What's the celebration about?

You'd be jiggy too, bro, if you only dumped once a year.

-[alien] Oh, yeah! I'm sleek! -Hmm.

-[alien] I'm thin! [laughs] -Where's Pasquale?

-I hate aliens! -There he is.

Why do they have to eat fava beans?

[all chanting] Dump! Dump! Dump!

[speaks in Italian]

-[music continues playing] -[glasses clink]

Okay, fellas, now, come on. You've been over-served here.

-[shouts] -[buzzing]

[Dix] All right. Come on.

[Shitzu continues shouting]

[cheering]

[buzzing increases]

-[whirring] -[shouting]

-[boings] -[indistinct shouting]

-[Uschi] Marshal? -Yeah, yeah.

-Marshal. -Yes?

I have to speak to you.

[Dix] Is this some kind of performance or something?

Oh, no. He's a cyborg. It happens all the time.

I'm gonna put him back together in the morning.

-Oh. -He's gonna be just fine.

-Yeah. -Come on, I need to talk to you.

Okay. All right.

Make yourself at home.

-[door whirring] -I'm gonna be right back.

[buzzing and beeping]

[dramatic, romantic music playing]

Hello.

Uh--

[door whirring]

Something's going on.

[softly] Uh-huh.

I don't know who's behind it.

I don't know what they're doing or why they're doing it.

All I know is... I know I want you to know.

Well, I, uh, I'm glad you told me.

Marshal, I know exactly why you're here.

I can help you.

But therefore, you have to trust me.

Did you know that...

...a male lion can mate 45 times in three hours?

I don't have a lion. I don't even have a dog.

[upbeat dance music playing]

[bed whirring]

-[snapping] -[softly] Uh--

[growling]

[gasps]

-[slapping] -[groans]

[Dix] One of the advantages of working undercover

was that sometimes things got uncovered

that you didn't expect to see uncovered, and you learned about things

-that you didn't expect to learn about. -[gasps softly]

-Now, whatever Dr. Künstler was trying to hide... -[grunting]

...she sure wasn't doing a very good job.

Anything on your mind, Dick?

[whimsical tinkling]

-[Dix] No. -[lion grunts]

I'm not even thinking.

Dr. Künstler, get a grip.

-[whooshes] -[groans]

[whimsical music]

That does it. It's time you went home.

I'm at home.

-It's time I went home. -[fabric ripping]

Stay.

Don't you wanna know what else I know?

No. That stuff about the lion, that was good enough for me.

[door whirring]

-[gulping] -[clinking]

[Cassandra moaning]

-Oh, there you are. -[Cassandra slurps and moans]

At last you come.

My God, is that all you people do up here in the evenings?

-[Valentino chuckles] -[cup clinking]

This is good for sleep, Marshal.

A nice, sweet warm decaf.

Nonfat latte, uh, a touch of mocha, no foam.

-Do you want some? -No, thank you.

I came by to see how Valentino was doing

after that dreadful thing at the club.

-Oh... [mumbles] yeah, pretty bad, huh? -Mm.

I also told him about the president being a prisoner.

-What? -We need all the assistance we can get, Marshal.

-Yes, b-- -Uh, don't worry, Marshal.

Uh, the elephant is sitting on my lips.

Uh, I say nothing to Lieutenant Shitzu.

I saw you leave the club with Dr. Künstler.

-What happened? -Oh, uh, nothing.

-Strange young lady. -[whimsical music]

Other wild-goose chase.

Well, I don't know about the wild goose,

but the chase looks like it was very exciting.

No. It is a little cold in here.

I think I'll have some of that hot coffee.

[beeps]

Oh, God!

Someone has stolen my zipper.

[woman] The atmosphere has no effect on my balance whatsoever,

-and I'm here-- What-- [gasps] -[man] Watch your step there.

[man] Houston, we have a problem. She's fallen and she can't get up.

-I thought I told you no contact! -I know, sir.

But I'm convinced now that the president is here and is being held prisoner.

The man behind it is Dr. Griffin Pratt.

-Are you sure? -[Dix] I'm positive.

-[knocks on door] -Mr. Secretary,

send up the Galactic National Guard.

-We'll get this cleared up in one day. -Who is it?

No! That's the last thing we wanna do.

That would sign the president's death warrant!

You must handle this yourself. Get Miss Menage.

-[screams] -[alien] Don't fight it, baby! It's bigger than both of us.

...the president's life is at stake, to say nothing of our planet!

What this impostor will say at the Heads of State conference

in Paris on Friday, God only knows!

[Valentino] Un momento.

Don't think for a minute

that Marshal Dix is doing nothing up here.

He's dealing with one of the most important men of the American government.

This guy lives in a big, huge white house,

but I can't tell you who is him.

[whimsical, suspenseful music]

Cassandra?

Cassandra?

[squishes]

[rattling]

[grunting]

[grunting increases]

-[ripping] -[grunts]

[indistinct grumbling]

[playful music]

Wait a minute. You mean the president is a prisoner here on Vegan?

-How did you know? -You just told us, man!

-A fanculo. I did not. -Yes, you did.

-I did? -[both] Yes.

[man coughs] Was that a cough drop you gave me?

-No, it was a suppository. -[man exclaims indistinctly]

-[door whirring] -Dr. Griffin Pratt?

I hope you don't think there's anything you missed

-the other night, Marshal. -Just one thing. You.

You're under arrest. You have a right to remain silent.

Before you say another word,

there's something I want you to know.

I've been ordered to reconstitute the president.

"Reconstitute"? What does that mean?

Drain all his body fluids.

[grunts] What's that, some sort of enema?

No, no, no. Drain all his blood,

then reconstitute it into refined plasma

ready to activate the clone.

-Wouldn't that kill him? -Most certainly.

-I thought so. -Now, please understand me, Marshal.

The thought of killing the president has kept me up all night!

Well, to be perfectly honest, I may have dozed off once or twice,

so let's say at least half the night.

I don't know how I allowed this to happen. It's very confusing.

I feel as though I've been drugged or brainwashed or whatever they did to me.

But your words last night about Chief Ten Bears

and... Josey Eastwood--

-Uh, Clint Eastwood. -Eastwood! Brought me to my senses.

And I must undo the damage I've done,

which is why I want to take you to the president

and help you get him out of here.

But we'll have to move fast.

Faster than you think. I just came from Cassandra's apartment.

She's been kidnapped.

Kidnapped? Abducted?

Well, we won't know that till we talk with her.

Up till now, it's just a simple kidnapping.

She left a note in glue on her door.

See? It says, "Help," spelled backwards.

H-E-L-P.

Ah.

We'd better get moving.

There may be two lives we have to save.

[dramatic music]

-This is the easiest way to get to the president. -[elevator chiming]

But whatever you do, don't touch that...

-[woman on PA] Turbo power enabled. -[shouts] button!

-Get off my face! -[whooshing]

Follow me.

[suspenseful music]

Put this on. You'll be less conspicuous.

-[soft dripping] -Oh--

-[aliens humming] -[soft rattling]

-[chiming] -[door creaking]

Mr. Dix, meet...

...the president.

[triumphant fanfare music]

[softly] Mm.

Mr. President?

-Is that really you? -That depends on what you mean by the word, "is."

Well...

-...are that really you? -Well, of course it's me.

I've been telling these people about my birthmark.

Here, take a look.

[screaming]

I'm the only man who's got a birthmark like that.

It's almost a perfect four-leaf clover.

Yes, sir, it looks like a four-leaf clover.

Yes, and if that's not sufficient,

then give me the name of someone who plays the saxophone

-as good as this. -[plays in off-key]

Uh, Mr. President... I'm convinced.

My name is Marshal Dix, International Security Force.

I'm here to take you back to Washington where you belong.

Great.

-[ominous music] -[door whirring]

[muffled grunting]

-Yeah! -Cassandra, when did you get here?

-[ripping] -[groans]

-What? -Surely you didn't think it would be as easy

as all that, did you, Dix?

Now, who would you like to become, a Rodman or a Rodham?

-Mm. -Oh, dear.

The president's looking a little upset.

-Perhaps we should switch him with Cassandra. -[gasps]

All right. That does it.

You're under arrest. So are these bozos here.

You have a right to remain silent.

Anything you say will be written down...

-[clattering] -...and used against you.

Seize them!

-[dramatic music] -[grunting]

-[thudding] -[grunting]

-[thudding] -[alien groans]

-[grunts] -[yelling]

[Dix] Such grace, such poetry.

What a cunning stunt.

Any more from you jerks, and I rip your faces off!

I was a sucker for all that romantic talk.

-[grunting and groaning continue] -This young woman

could not only sing like a dove, she was blessed

with a serene peace that would've been at home

in a Tibetan monastery.

She had everything. The delicate footwork of a ballet dancer,

the high kicks of a Rockette.

Boy, did I love those high kicks!

-[thudding] -[alien groaning]

Very impressive, but now, as they say,

-it's your turn to bite the dust-- [yells] -[Cassandra grunts] Yeehaw!

-[panting] -[alien and Griffin groaning]

-[glass shatters] -[groans]

I'm glad you were here.

I feel safe with you.

Let's not talk about me. We gotta get out of here.

-Follow her, Mr. President, quick! -Mm-hmm.

[groans]

[music continues]

-[Dix] Captain Pasquale. -Yes.

See if you can locate Lieutenant Shitzu

-and Dr. Künstler. -Yes.

Meet us out in front of the Research Center.

-Yes. -We're heading for Washington, DC,

and the White House, and bring your makeup case.

-Done. -[static]

Who was this guy?

Come on, all of you!

Rubelt, up you get, come on.

Kunic! Pull yourself together.

Get up. That's it. Good boys, good boys.

-[growling] -No, no, no! Wait. Let them go.

[Dix] Di Pasquale worked hard and fast to disguise the president

-as Fidel Castro or ZZ Top, take your pick. -Sorry-- [speaks indistinctly]

-Anyway, it was the perfect way... -Sorry. Sorry.

-...to get to Washington. -[president] Man, this beard itches!

-Step back. Step-- Oh, sorry. -...it's me, it's me--

-Okay, yeah. Thank you-- -Step back.

-Thank you. Please. -Please.

[president] I wonder if ZZ Top needs a sax player.

-[indistinct chatter] -[engine whirring]

[alien] ...my ship. My crew. Bones. Spock.

-[whirring] -[alarm blaring]

[rumbling]

[triumphant music]

[Dix] It was good to see Washington, DC, again,

-but we had no time to sightsee. -[siren blaring]

In a couple of days, that clone clown

would be shooting his mouth off in Paris.

I'd contacted Secretary Osgood.

He came up with a watertight plan to make the switch.

Okay, guys, uh, time for me to shake hands with Little Willie.

-[indistinct chatter] -[guard 1] Code Yellow, gentlemen, Code Yellow.

[Valentino] Marshal, did you bring an umbrella?

[Dix] No, just grab him before he takes aim.

[gasps]

-[guard 1] You okay there, sir? -[guard 2] Sir, everything all right?

-[Osgood] Uh-oh. -[president] Yeah, mission accomplished.

-Let's rock! -[guard 1] Oh. Yeah.

-[guard 2] All right. Well... -[guard 1] All right.

-...we are in motion-- -[guard 1] Let's go.

[Dix] Di Pasquale disguised the cloned president

-as somebody who nobody would think twice about... -[indistinct chatter]

-...a dirty, old man. -I'm gonna have the CIA cavity search you all!

-Yes! -[president] At the Three Tenors Gala Concert

in Paris this Friday night...

...following the International Heads of State Conference,

I will announce changes that will benefit the future of our world forever.

Good job. Well done, everyone.

Now, all that remains is to get our friend off to clone heaven.

We have kept Earth to ourselves

-for far too long. -What?

In the spirit of intergalactic harmony...

-[Shitzu] Hey, that's Dr. Pratt. -Yeah, yeah. Uh, it's him!

-Yes. -...we must be willing to reach out...

Please, there are forces at work here.

Let's just forget about it and move on.

-[indistinct chatter on TV] -[light suspenseful music]

Now, someone give me a hand getting our impostor

-out of here. -[muffled shouts]

Uh, no, just a minute.

Moving a little too fast here.

I think that there are forces at work,

but I don't think that they're our own.

More than possible that we've been set up

-to put a clone on the White House. -[muffled groans]

-And take the real president out. -Right.

-Why are you the president? -Because of the birthmark.

-The birthmark! I saw the birthmark. -Your birthmark proves nothing.

When you're cloned, your birthmark is cloned too.

-[Dix] Right. -But I don't have a birthmark.

I had it removed three months ago. Personal reasons.

If you'll give me a little help, I'll show you.

[sighs]

[screaming]

-Oh, my God. -Dr. Künstler,

the birthmark should be on the side, not on the front.

We can see where there was something,

but there's no birthmark there now.

There's a simple solution.

-One dead president. -[gun cocks]

So, it's not just Dr. Pratt. It's you too.

Very good, Dix.

-[grunts] -[Osgood groans]

[thudding]

-Now, that really was a job well done. -[chuckles]

Not well enough done, Mr. President.

Do you know anybody you can trust that can get us to Paris?

-Yes. -[light triumphant music]

[Dix] The president's intent was genuine,

-but his travel plans didn't fly. -[clattering]

Then, suddenly, our luck turned full circle, and we were airborne.

[engine rumbling]

[Dix] The job was to undo what I had already undone.

There was a clone already in Paris

who looked exactly like the president,

and he had a birthmark on his left hip to prove it.

We had the real president,

but he had removed the birthmark,

so we couldn't prove anything.

How it would all be worked out, I didn't know,

but I did know that the president had to make every effort

-to keep his pants on. -[camera shutter clicking]

-[indistinct chatter] -[upbeat classical music playing]

-[reporter] Madonna. -Ooh. Ah!

[drumming]

-[crowd clapping] -How are you? Good to see you. Thank you very much.

[speaks inaudibly] Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you so much for being here. Bonjour. Bonjour.

[man in French accent] Let's see. What is a four-letter word for "word"?

-[camera shutter clicking] -[woman shouts in the distance] Madonna!

[in French accent] Do you have reservations?

[in fake foreign accent] Yeah. Uh, reservations

about being asked if we have reservations.

In America, they have Indians, they have reservations,

but no one asks if they have them.

Bonjour. Yankee Doodle.

[beeping and buzzing]

-What is that? -That is a hockey cup.

-Hockey? -Yeah, I use it to play sand hockey

-in the desert. -Do you have identification?

-Well, uh, yeah-- -[Shitzu] Ah! Prince Yabuti of Jabuti.

Good to see you, you son of a--

Take this. It's me, Shitzu.

Good to see you. Good to see you. Oh, my God!

I had to wear this. This is the only outfit Dr. Pratt wouldn't look under.

-Are too conspicuous. -Me? How about you?

That Arab accent, it sounds kinda German.

We got Cassandra in the orchestra.

Okay.

-Ah, yes. -Hey!

[beeping and buzzing]

[chuckles]

-Ah! Well, it is a rat trap... -[snapping]

-[groans] Do you have an invitation? -...they said they--

-[grunts] How did you-- -Yes, of course.

"The artist formerly known as--"

It is Prince in disguise.

-[camera shutters clicking] -Excuse me,

Mr. Formerly-Know-As. Smile, please. [chuckles]

-Oh. -Wait! You're not the artist formerly known as Prince.

-The real artist is over here. -Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

-[crowd clapping] -[president] Oh, man, it's the pope.

Come on, Dix. Let's get out of here before he corners me.

[heavenly music]

Bless you.

Oh, great.

They're serving Italian dinner here tonight.

I think I'll have the toreador.

Gracias. Gracias.

[indistinct chatter]

[man 1] Yabuti? Yabuti, you camel!

-Huh? -Pay me what you owe me!

-[screams] -[clattering]

[groaning]

[indistinct chatter]

That's all right. I'm okay.

[growls]

-[exclaims] -Keep a low profile. Did he call me a camel?

-Hey! -[cross talk]

[woman] That's mine!

[man 2] My head is spinning.

[cheerful classical music playing]

They wanted you to play a saxophone solo after which intermission?

[president] The White House itinerary said, after the first intermission,

that I would ride up and appear magically on stage through a trapdoor.

-But we don't have the sax. -We will.

-Hey. Hello. [chuckles] Do you wanna taste an ice cream? -[scoffs]

It's very, very good. Take it, take it!

Or maybe you like vanilla. Vanilla is wonderful.

The best Italian flavor, pistachio. [speaks in Italian]

-You like ice cream. -Non!

No. Thank you very much. Thank you. [chuckling]

-Gelati! Gelati! -[crowd clapping]

Gelati!

-[plays the flute] -[indistinct chatter]

-[gasps] -[man shouts indistinctly]

[grunting]

My sax! Hello. Oh, no!

[clapping continues]

[crowd cheering and whistling]

-Ice cream! [speaks in Italian] -Hmm?

-Ice cream. -[Valentino] Oh, signora, congratulations.

-This is a great ice cream. It's the best-- -Hmm?

-What? Please. Please. -You will have to move. You will have to move.

-No-- [speaks indistinctly] -Please! You can't stop commerce.

-[guard] No. No-- -Let it go. Let it go!

-Ow! -Oh.

Ah. Shit!

Oh, oh, I-- I'm sorry, Mrs. President.

I'm really sorry. Sorry!

Eh, no, no, it was only an accident.

Eh, y-- you see, it was only an accident. [chuckles]

We got this. Go back to work, go back to work. All right. All right.

Go back to work. Thank you. Thanks for stopping by. Thank you.

I see our friends are here.

-Do you want an ice cream? -[mumbles indistinctly]

I think we better alert the police. [sighs]

-[grunts] -[indistinct chatter]

["William Tell" by Gioachino Rossini playing]

[Uschi softly] I think I'd better go check to find out what's going on.

[humming]

Looks like the gang is all here.

Mm. Ice cream.

[Griffin] One is disguised as a vendor,

the other one's wearing a French policeman's uniform.

-What? Merde. -Inspector Wazoo.

The president's life may be at stake.

[speaks in French]

We will search the place from top to bottom.

[speaking in French]

We knew where they were at the hotel in Washington, didn't we, Osgood?

You had to be there. You were busy being the man in the moon. I was there.

The only place they could possibly make the switch

is under the stage by the trapdoor lifts.

Let's take a look, shall we?

Let's go get your saxophone, check backstage.

They won't look at those trapdoors.

Oh, what did the Japanese delegation say?

[chuckles] Oh, you can't understand a word they say.

They said, uh, "Would I enjoy sushi?"

-And? -Well, I said, "Sure thing, man.

-Send Susie to my room." -[scoffs]

Oh, I'm just kidding. You can trust me, baby. [chuckles]

[crowd cheering and clapping]

Nice. Good one. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

[soft creaking]

[Cheering and clapping increase]

[Luciano] Maestro!

[clears throat]

["Les Toreadors Carmen" by Georges Bizet playing]

[humming]

-Hey, this isn't rap concert! -[gasping]

-I hate opera! -[men groaning]

Take this.

Ditch the Arab disguises.

They're checking everyone.

-Hey! [shouts indistinctly] -[indistinct shouting]

[crowd clapping and cheering]

-Fantastic. -[Valentino] Oh!

Hey.

Huh?

Maestro.

-Come on, let's go! -[president] Maybe there'll be some costumes under the stage.

-[screaming] -[whirring]

-Are you okay? Who cares? -Yes.

[indistinct singing in the distance]

-Where are we? -Where are we?

Under the stage! What do you think, it's the roof?

Uh, all right. There must be something in here.

Now, you're gonna have to stay in that outfit

so you can keep your face covered.

Maybe there's something here for me so we won't look

so much like a team.

-It's a good idea, Dix. -Ah.

[rattling]

Be mostly women's clothes here.

[clattering]

-Allo? -[whimsical, suspenseful music]

-Allo? -[grunting]

[president] Oui. Oui. Uh, allo.

Ah, that's a real nice prop there, uh, Maestro.

-[in French accent] Maestro, is that you? -Yeah, yeah, it's the maestro.

It's me.

Oh. [chuckles] I heard this big crash.

-Are you all right? -Uh, it was, uh, uh, an accident.

[mutters indistinctly] I am changing my robe

as the pharaoh whose robe I use for singing

the Aria for Aida.

Oh, eh, pardon.

Uh--

Oh.

[chuckles nervously]

Oh, là là.

I told you that they were not right.

Um, you know, this is probably the wrong time,

but could you just sing... [speaks in French]

...a little note perhaps?

[Dix] Oh, uh-- uh,

Si. Si, si, si. [clears throat]

♪ Molto grande ♪

♪ Molto grande ♪

-♪ Molte grande Clementine... ♪ -Oh!

♪ You are gone And I lost forever ♪

♪ Molte grande, Clementine ♪

[chuckling] Oh! Merci.

-Oh, I'm sorry, these are-- -No, no, no, no, no.

You keep them as a memento.

They're not the right condom for my beard.

Oh!

Merci. I will cherish these.

-[speaking in Italian] -Merci beaucoup.

-[continues speaking in Italian] -[laughing] Oh. Ciao.

-[laughs] -[president] Bonjour.

[woman laughing]

[sighs and groans]

[crowd clapping and cheering]

["In The Navy" by Village People playing]

What is this?

"What is this?" The platform.

Up and down. Up and down.

[clears throat]

♪ Where can you find pleasure Search the world for treasure ♪

-♪ Learn science, technology? ♪ -[crowd clapping]

-♪ Where can you begin to make Your dreams all come true ♪ -[humming]

♪ On the land or on the sea? ♪

♪ Where can you learn to fly Play in sports and skin dive ♪

♪ Study oceanography? ♪

[Valentino whistles] What the hell's this?

[speaks in French] You have pissed?

Well, I had one about three hours ago. Does that count?

Show me your piss.

-What? -I need a backstage piss.

Backstage, oh!

Oh, oh, uh-- [chuckles]

-Uh, yeah. -♪ ...in the Navy ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

[president] I think he said backstage "pass."

-♪ Protect the motherland ♪ -♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Now come on And join your fellow men ♪

-What is this? -Oh, don't touch the control panel, please.

This is where everything is controlled from,

inside that cabinet.

[crowd clapping rhythmically]

[crowd chanting indistinctly]

-♪ If you like adventure Don't you wait... ♪ -[shushes]

No one will get pissed while I'm here.

-[thudding] -[groans]

-[whirring] -Hmm?

-Ah. -Fix the controller!

-Fix it, fix it! -♪ Maybe you're too young ♪

-♪ To join up today ♪ -[Osgood] Huh?

♪ But don't you worry About a thing ♪

-Up, please. Up! -♪ For I'm sure there will be always a good Navy ♪

-♪ Protecting the land and sea ♪ -[grunts]

-♪ In the Navy ♪ -[groans]

♪ You can sail the seven seas ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Yes, you can put Your mind at ease ♪

-♪ In the Navy ♪ -[shouting indistinctly]

[crowd clapping and cheering]

♪ In the Navy ♪

-[grunting] -♪ In the Navy ♪

-[grunting] -♪ Protect the motherland ♪

-♪ In The Navy ♪ -What the hell is going on?

Quicker!

-Huh? -♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Come on and be bold Make a stand ♪

-♪ In the Navy ♪ -Huh?

-♪ In the Navy ♪ -♪ In the Navy ♪

-[crowd clapping rhythmically] -[grunting]

-[beeping and whirring] -[shouts indistinctly]

♪ They want you, they want you ♪

♪ They want you As a new recruit ♪

-♪ Who me? ♪ -♪ They want you They want you ♪

♪ They want you As a new recruit ♪

[grunting and shouting]

[officer] Come out now! [continues indistinctly]

[indistinct shouting]

♪ Hey, hey, look, man ♪

♪ I get seasick even watching it on TV! ♪

-[grunting] -♪ They want you ♪

-♪ My goodness! What am I gonna do... ♪ -♪ They want you! ♪

♪ ...in a submarine? ♪

-♪ The want you ♪ -[officer] Going up!

[laughing] Hey!

♪ They want you ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

[crowd cheering, clapping, and whistling]

-♪ In the Navy ♪ -♪ Yes, you can sail The seven seas ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Yes, you can put Your mind at ease ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Come on now People, make a stand ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Come on Protect the motherland ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

♪ Come on, now Join your fellow men ♪

♪ In the Navy ♪

[clapping and cheering increase]

-♪ In the Navy ♪ -Whoo! Whoo! Le-- let's just go!

Whoo! Well done, John Travolta.

Burn, baby, burn!

-Could you find the weapon we left in there? -[Uschi] Yep.

If it looks like he's going to succeed,

-kill the president. -["Il Barbiere di Siviglia: Overture" by Gioachino Rossini]

The real one, that is.

[hysterical laughing]

[Luciano in the distance] Stage manager! Stage-- [shouts]

There you are! [speaks in Italian]

People are running around, moving the floors!

-Bastard! -Mm-hmm.

-I want them found and-- -[man] There's no one--

Ah, shut up, you fool!

I go and rest now, and then I change my costumes

-for second act. When I come back... -[whimpering]

...you have better have caught them or else--

[grunting and shouting] Capisce?

[exhales heavily, pants]

-[indistinct chatter] -...hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Tell me about

the story about the woman that went to the doctor's office, she says,

"Doctor, I'm sick." He says, "What's wrong?" She says, "I don't know."

He says, "Well, I'ma take your temperature through your rectum."

[shouting] What is going down here?

-[groans in frustration] -[man grunts]

I am in outrage!

-[both gasp] -Oh, Maestro! Oh,

I have to thank you again for these.

You see, I kept them close to my heart!

Oh, what are you talking about? I did not give you anything.

Besides, my condoms are engraved with my portrait

and covered with fur.

U-- th-- the-- these are counterfeits! Now, out of my way!

[gasps] Counterfeits? Maestro!

[gasps, sighs]

[mumbling] ...keep an eye out.

["Il Barbiere di Siviglia: Overture" continues]

Künstler is one of them. She's a super spy.

I told you she was a super, super-- suppository.

-I knew she was in bed with Pratt. -What?

And she had me over to her apartment, she did that dance for me,

-rubbed her body all over mine, used her tongue. -Huh?

That slut. A lap dance?

Could've been Lapland, Finland, Russia, any of those countries up there.

And what she told me about the lion,

they mate 45 times in three hours.

How many times?

-You just keep your eye on Künstler. -Oh.

She's got orders to kill the president if anything goes wrong.

She gets up on the table, he gets behind her. All of a sudden,

she starts saying... [mimics moaning]

-Wardrobe! Wardrobe! -[man] I'm coming.

-Where is my costume? -I know it was here. I hung it myself.

And I'll hang you myself if you don't find it!

Luciano, they have come to hear your voice, not to see your clothes.

You think the French won't notice

if I'm in the middle of an Italian battlefield,

fighting the Germans wearing American boxer shorts?

[singing]

[all singing]

"Hey, Doctor, that ain't my rectum."

He says, "Yeah. Well, that ain't my thermometer either."

[screaming]

Mr. President, we are ready for you now, sir.

-[indistinct chatter] -Well, I'm on.

Good luck, snookums.

["Il Barbiere di Siviglia: Overture" continues]

President, no birthmark games tonight.

Just remember, you don't have one anymore,

but there's a clone out there who looks exactly like you

and he does have it. So you just... keep your pants on.

And keep your fingers crossed that Osgood won't remember

what he thought he saw in the hotel.

-Uh, won't remember... -Huh?

...what he thought he saw in the hotel.

I thought that you thought that he didn't see

what he thought he saw in the hotel. I was right the first time.

-[shouting] First, there was the condoms! -[whimpering]

Now, they've stolen my costume!

-Still cannot find them! -[man shouts in the distance] Maestro, you're on!

-Sure. -[groans]

[inhales] Scusi. [screams]

...or, uh, rather that he doesn't remember what,

what he, he, he thought he didn't see in the hotel.

Well, you'll remember. He didn't see the, uh, the birthmark, and--

-[grunts] -Monsieur le Président, everything is checked and ready.

You can blow your instrument with confidence

knowing I will be here holding the fart.

[crowd clapping and whistling]

[clearing throats]

Thank you. Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

it gives me great pleasure

to introduce our surprise guest.

Hmm.

[playful rock music playing]

[crowd gasping]

Oh!

-So far so good. -Don't be a pessimist.

I like the way he blows his horn.

My son likes to toot too.

Let's go.

-[screams] -[thudding]

-[groans] -[president] Uh, are you all right?

[groaning continues]

[president] Here. Catch the saxophone.

-[clangs] -[Dix groans]

[president] Whee!

-What do we do now, Dix? -[Dix] I'll lower the trapdoor, Mr. President.

You get on it. Then you'll go up, and I'll bring the clone down

and put the arm on him.

He's good, eh?

Hmm?

What?

Two of them?

Huh?

[Luciano clears throat]

-[both grunting] -[Osgood] Me first.

-You! You messed things up for the last time! -Uh--

-[grunting and groaning] -[buzzing and whirring]

[whirring]

Damn it!

Huh?

Here, piggy, piggy. Here.

-Sooey! Your presidency's about over. -[groaning]

-Oh? -[president] You've never even been to Arkansas.

You imposter!

-I'm gonna make-- -Huh?

-Stop-- -[both groaning]

[dramatic music]

-[grunting] You think you-- -[groans]

-[all gasp and groan] -Oh!

Yes! Oh! Oh.

-[grunts] -Guys--

[indistinct chatter]

Aw.

Shut up! Now, there.

Who is who?

Hmm?

We have here...

...two president.

-Two of them? -Oh.

My gosh, this could be

an intern's nightmare.

Two.

-Identical. -Mm.

Identical? Yes.

But are our memories the same?

Here's something I composed when I was six years old.

No one knows it.

[playing gentle music]

[playing gentle music]

-[exhales] -So... now,

who is the real president?

Okay. How about this one?

I learned it yesterday.

[playing jazz music]

-[plays in off-key] -[crowd] Oh.

-Ah. -[groans]

[hums and grunts]

It's not so good, huh? There's your clone, inspector.

He remembers everything about my life till the time he was cloned,

-but nothing afterward. -Right.

There's your clone, Dr. Pratt.

-You! You're the one who did this to me! -[crowd gasping]

-[gasps] -I'm gonna destroy you!

-You vermin! -[whimsical, dramatic music]

-[both screaming] -[thudding]

-[gasps] -[woman screaming]

-[all gasping] -[thudding]

-[grunting] Uh-- -Oh.

-What should we do? -Lord, give me a sign.

[both grunting and groaning]

[automated message] You've got mail.

[Dix grunts]

God said, "Let there be music." On with the show!

-[grunts] -[crowd clapping]

[indistinct chatter]

[maestro] Here we go. One--

-[grunts] -[groans]

So much for taking over the world.

I just wanted to rid the world of idiots like you.

-[Dix grunts] -Ow!

[Luciano singing indistinctly]

[dramatic classical music playing]

-[grunts] -[crowd gasps]

[speaks in Italian, whimpers]

Hmm?

[groaning]

[both shouting indistinctly]

-[thudding] -[groaning]

-[electrical buzzing and crackling] -[clinking and whirring]

[Luciano shouting in Italian]

Hey, you... [speaks in Italian] do something!

-[firecrackers whistling] -It's fake, like wrestling.

[Luciano shouting] Where is that stage manager... [continues indistinctly]

[woman screams]

[indistinct shouting]

-[growling] -[indistinct chatter]

-Look out! -[screams]

-[growling] -Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark!

[shouting in Italian]

-Bonjour. Excuse me. [grunts] -[screaming, shuddering]

-[buzzing and hissing continue] -[grunting]

-[man] Get me down! -[both grunting and groaning]

-[Valentino screams] -[groans]

-Oh! -[man] Did you see that?

-Give me that-- -[indistinct chatter]

-[Dix] Come on! -Oh--

[grunting]

-[exhales sharply] -[indistinct chatter]

-[ominous music] -[Griffin] Take your hands off me!

[Luciano speaking in Italian]

[weapon whirring]

Huh? Oh--

-[continues indistinctly] -Could you do better?

[music increases]

-[grunting] -The solution is

-kill the president. -[crowd gasps]

[laughs evilly]

-[hissing] -[shouts]

[explosion]

[sings high-pitched note]

-[gasps] -[screams]

[groaning]

-[glass shatters] -[squelching]

Oh, holy shit, baby.

-Oogie-boogie-boogie. La-la! -[alien groaning]

What?

-[farting] -[shouting]

[gasps]

-Oh! -[alien] I'll be back!

-[farting continues] -Oh!

-[grunts] Yes. -[groans]

-[groaning and screaming] -[splashing]

Hasta la vista, baby.

[crowd cheering and clapping]

-Back off! -[coughing]

[inaudible chatter]

[clone] Hey, I'm just a clone.

Ladies and gentlemen, this may have been

-the greatest save of all time. -Hmm.

And the man responsible

is from the Interplanetary Security,

Marshal "Dick" Dix.

-[triumphant music] -[crowd clapping and cheering]

Thank you, uh, Mr. President.

[president] You're very welcome, Marshal Dix,

and the world thanks you.

-[clapping increases] -[chuckles softly]

[singing "Libiamo (Drinking song) From la Traviata, Act I" by Giuseppe Verdi]

-Whoa. -[chuckles]

[firecrackers exploding]

[vocalizing]

-[Shitzu] Yo, man! -[chuckling] Hey!

[Cassandra] Marshal, you were wonderful.

[Dix] Now I knew what it was like to be a Roman candle

on the 4th of July. Yet, this hero stuff was not for me.

-No more. No more! -I was ready to get back on the beat,

hear the wail of sirens, and play with my handcuffs and my gun.

Yes, I was ready to plant my flag back in Washington, DC,

where every congressman has the constitutional right to be a felon.

Good old America.

["Libiamo (Drinking song) From la Traviata, Act I" continues]

-[squawking] -[waiter] Here's your soup, sir.

-[inhales sharply] -[indistinct chatter]

[moans] Smells great.

-[parrot] Oh, piss off! -[waiter] Whoa!

[waiter mutters] Miserable bird. I should stuff it.

Uh, uh-- [sighs]

[cheerful music]

Uh, well... I, I wanna drink a toast.

-[cork pops] -[parrot screams]

-[splashes] -[gasps]

I wanna, I wanna drink a toast.

-[chuckling] No, to you! -[man] I'll save that bird.

You've made the world a safe place again.

Your high kicks helped out pretty good too there, you know.

[parrot squawking]

[soft pouring]

Oh, uh-- well, how is, uh, how's everything on Vegan?

-I, I hear y-- you've gotten a promotion. -[gasping and spitting]

Yes. Now I'm responsible for all new erections.

[chokes]

Congratulations.

I'm not a bit surprised. [chuckles]

[sighs] I love spending my vacation on Earth.

This place is so peaceful,

the ocean, the music, product placements.

[groans]

[choking and groaning]

[gasping]

Are you all right?

-[groans] -[whimsical tone]

[clinking]

Uh, just picking my teeth.

-[music continues] -[birds chirping]

[softly] There's something I need to tell you.

I see dead people.

What?

I see dead people. Look.

Hey, baby.

-[chuckles] -You're right.

[alien 1] Hey. Would you like to hear the dessert specials?

We got silicon hooter pie with whipped cream for you.

[alien 2] We've got silicon lips ice cream for you.

-[alien 1] And, yo, we got guns! -Guns!

-Big guns. -For you.

Gun? Big guns?

Oh, those aren't guns.

-Uh? -This is a gun.

-[stuttering] -[clattering]

[gunshot]

[alien 2] Wait, wait, wait.

[cheerful music]

Marshal, you made the world a safe place again, again.

-You're so wonderful. -[Dix exhaling] Oh-- [chuckles]

-You know, you could be my father. -Oh, no, no.

That concert was the only time I've ever been to France, ever.

-Richard. -[light romantic music]

[Dix] Mm.

[chuckles softly]

[whimsical, triumphant tone]

["Throw it Up" by Ophélie Winter]

-[man] ♪ You ready? ♪ -[woman echoes] ♪ I'm ready ♪

-[man] ♪ Come on ♪ -[woman echoes] ♪ I'm ready ♪

[man] ♪ Say what? Huh, huh, huh ♪

♪ Say what? Huh, huh ♪

♪ Say what? Ah ♪

♪ Tonight, we go bloop Like cloud nine ♪

♪ Let's sweep on the dance floor All night ♪

♪ We hittin' corners Like six fours on three ♪

♪ Slide in, great spot Trades and treats, yo ♪

♪ I gotta catch me a feelin' ♪

♪ Keep it burning In the back in the VIP ♪

♪ Ho-ho, you like that Give it right there ♪

♪ Come party with me And I feel ya, who that? ♪

-[women] ♪ This is For the ladies in the club ♪ -[woman vocalizing]

[women] ♪ If you wanna toss it up ♪

♪ If you wanna keep it krunk ♪

♪ Throw it up ♪

♪ Throw it up ♪

♪ And this is for the fellas In the back ♪

♪ Ones with the pockets fat ♪

♪ Girl is sippin' on yak ♪

♪ Throw it up, throw it up ♪

[woman] ♪ It's Friday night And I'm in the mood ♪

♪ To make a move Gonna dance all night ♪

♪ Gonna wear the songs Right off my shirt ♪

♪ But with the scene Let's scope it up ♪

♪ Till I find a feel And I'ma break it down ♪

♪ Let's bite that thing Up to the beat ♪

♪ Oh, there it goes And the latter comes ♪

♪ It's hard to tell I gotta scoop him up ♪

♪ High-five the thing Say, "You can hang" ♪

♪ I don't think so ♪

♪ Flavor lands Let's see you go ♪

[women] ♪ This is for the ladies In the club ♪

-♪ If you wanna toss it up ♪ -[vocalizing]

♪ If you wanna keep it krunk ♪

-♪ Throw it up ♪ -[woman] ♪ Nah ♪

-♪ Nah, throw it up ♪ -[women] ♪ Throw it up ♪

♪ This is for the fellas In the back ♪

♪ Ones with the pockets fat ♪

♪ Blind, is sippin' on yak ♪

♪ Throw it up ♪

-♪ Throw it up ♪ -[woman] ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[women] ♪ Everyone is chillin' In the club ♪

♪ Fellas wanna touch and rub ♪

♪ Ladies wanna up the mark Throw it up ♪

-[woman] ♪ Throw it up Oh, yeah ♪ -[women] ♪ Throw it up ♪

♪ Everybody tryin' to spend up ♪

♪ Checkin' out the freaks In the club ♪

♪ Ladies wanna tease you up ♪

♪ Throw it up ♪

♪ Throw it up ♪

[woman] ♪ And the burn can move ♪

♪ Step for step It's in the groove ♪

♪ In the right, in the band He can dig it real good ♪

-♪ On and on, not too fast Not too slow ♪ -[women] ♪ Not too fast... ♪

[woman] ♪ Gonna take him home And see him whirl ♪

-♪ Without his clothes ♪ -[women] ♪ Out his clothes ♪

[woman] ♪ He's on the floor ♪

♪ Baby, had me handled with-- ♪

-[grunting] -♪ He made nine ♪

♪ One man I won't forget, so-- ♪

♪ I think he's hurt His chance to put it down ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been watching His ass for some time now ♪

[women] ♪ This is For the ladies in the club If you wanna toss it up ♪

-[woman] ♪ Go on, yeah ♪ -♪ If you wanna keep it krunk ♪

♪ Throw it up, throw it up ♪

-♪ I'm gonna throw it up ♪ -[women] ♪ This is For the fellas in the back ♪

♪ Ones with the pockets fat Girl is sippin' on yak ♪

-♪ Throw it up, throw it up ♪ -[woman] ♪ Mm, nah Throw it up ♪

[women] ♪ When we're chillin' In the club ♪

♪ Fellas wanna touch and rub ♪

♪ Ladies wanna fuck 'em up ♪

♪ Throw it up ♪

-♪ Throw it up ♪ -[woman] ♪ Ooh, yeah, babe ♪

[women] ♪ Everybody tryin' to spend up ♪

♪ Checkin' out the freaks In the club ♪

♪ Ladies wanna tease you up Throw it up ♪

-[woman] ♪ You can ♪ -♪ Throw it up ♪

[woman rapping] ♪ Yo, this is for the thugs and the gentlemen Spending the dubs ♪

♪ In the club... ♪ [continues indistinctly]

[women] ♪ This is For the ladies in the club If you wanna toss it up ♪

-♪ If you wanna Keep it krunk, throw it up ♪ -[woman] ♪ I said ♪

-♪ Throw it up Let's go, let's go... ♪ -[women] ♪ Throw it up ♪

♪ This is For the fellas in the back Ones with the pockets fat ♪

♪ Girl is sippin' on yak Throw it up ♪

-[woman] ♪ Throw it... up Yeah ♪ -[women] ♪ Throw it up ♪

♪ Everybody's chillin' In the club ♪

♪ Fellas wanna touch and rub ♪

♪ Ladies wanna up 'em up ♪

♪ Throw it up, throw it up ♪

-[woman] ♪ The way You smile, just wanna ♪ -[women] ♪ ...checkin' out... ♪

-♪ Ladies wanna tease you up ♪ -[woman] ♪ I wanna Take you home ♪

[women] ♪ Throw it up ♪

-♪ Good, I throw it up ♪ -♪ Throw it up ♪

♪ This is for the ladies In the club ♪

♪ If you wanna toss it up ♪

♪ If you wanna keep it krunk ♪

♪ Throw it up ♪

-♪ Ah ♪ -♪ Throw it up ♪

[dramatic music]

[suspenseful fanfare music]

[upbeat, whimsical music]

["The Blue Danube" by Johann Strauss II]

[standard fart]

[soft fart]

[loud fart]

[splattering fart]

-[loud fart] -[splattering]

[quick fart]

[muffled fart]

[continuous fart]