Original subtitles

In the 16th century, the mystic John Dee wrote the Siglum Aemon, a book of

musical chants that were meant to summon angels, but brought forth demons

instead. Fearing the unholy power of his dark songs, D tried to destroy the

book, but failed.

Sought by Thortherers and dark rulers for centuries, the book had been lost.

Until now.

Equate protection upon thine followers who walketh in the footsteps of

Vinspasaropdom.

Vinspasaropdom.

Appeasement of the God of Vincibar.

That failed.

What? Seven blood packs not enough, Ronnie? Yeah.

This shit's never coming off my tunic, by the way. I don't know what to tell

guys, okay? Bullshit, Ronnie. The appeasement fails.

It's bullshit. You failed, Eric.

Okay, maybe if you made a meaningful sacrifice.

Hey, that's bullshit, Ronnie.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

The appeasement failed because Eric wasn't meaning it. It wasn't being

meaningful. Bullshit, Ronnie.

Shut up. I don't know what to tell you guys. I don't know who's heart is in

peace, Ronnie. The God's a piece of this for you. The God's a piece of this.

Curse all your characters. It's a case of evil herpes.

Bullshit. Eric, you failed.

You made a meaningful sacrifice.

Guys, how will we taste triumph at Evermore with this weak bullshit?

Fear not, Sir Reginald, for I have just the magic needed.

Excuse me.

While I whip the fists out.

What was that?

Hey, dude, what's that?

Butt.

Check this shit out. Harry Pooper dropped his book.

Yeah, tear that shit.

Come on, man. Let's destroy the book.

Rip it open.

Be strong, I say.

Amen.

Shit! We gotta go back to the book. What book?

I brought that kick -ass old book I was gonna use for my spells.

Fuck! I must have dropped it when those paintballers attacked us. Shit!

Is this it?

That's it.

Whew, thank God.

Sorry about that, Fredo. No problem.

Ronnie Kwok, he's gonna shit when he sees that.

We'll be back, you redneck cocksuckers. This I vow.

I chose upon death, then it dragged me... ...into the

abyss.

This is close.

Damn,

man. That shit is tight.

It's called Your Heart Sucks My Soul.

It's kind of a love song, you know?

I wrote it as a surprise for Beth.

Yeah? Yeah. Listen, if that song doesn't say love and commitment, I don't know

what does.

We need to have a talk.

I'm actually way ahead of you.

How about you, me, dinner tonight?

Somewhere with a tablecloth.

I got a little something special I want to give you.

Wait.

Don't tell me it's... Is it what I think it is?

No.

Yes.

I don't know. What do you think it is? Don't do anything big involving jewelry,

okay? I mean, I need to concentrate on my career. It's not the right time for

that sort of commitment.

Oh, no, no, I get it. Whoa, it's cool.

It's cool. I mean, why mess with a good thing, right? Time out here, Joe.

You're breaking up with me.

Will you listen to me?

You have a college degree in communication studies. You could be

you wanted. Well, look, I am doing what I want.

You live in a fake castle, leeching off your accidental millionaire loser friend

playing black metal in your bedroom.

You will never change.

Uh, it's doom metal.

Who the fuck asked you?

Well, he's right.

What? Gilberto?

You're the fucking man.

It was black.

Then we went through a sludge phase. Now it's more doom. I need to focus on my

future, my career. It's important that I align myself with successful people,

Joe. I'm sorry, but that's just how it is.

Where's my plus three, mate?

Am I the weapon super?

Hey, man.

Found it. Oh, hey, dude.

You found my mace.

That's not cool.

Sorry, man.

My mom made me this mace.

It's still fierce.

Thank you.

That's a power ballad.

What's wrong with her?

She dumped you, didn't she?

Fuck off!

Whoa, nice shot.

So your body is already subconsciously moving on.

I knew that this day would come. You had a vision of her just ripping out my

heart, huh? Yeah.

Thanks for the heads up, mighty warlock. I'm a 26 -level wizard, buddy. I know

you know that, and you're just trying to be hurtful.

Dude, look, I'm sorry for what happened, but you two hadn't been right for each

other for a long time.

It's only the rejection that hurts. You'll get over that.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe I should be making some changes. Maybe I should move out of here. No,

there's no need for drama.

You'll always have a place here at Minun's castle.

I still love her.

You can't leave her like this.

I know.

I'll be fine. Just go.

Go kill your fake dragons.

I know what you need.

Come on.

Come on.

I told you I don't do that shit anymore.

Yeah, and the reason you quit just kicked you to the curb.

So I think it's high time that you got back in the saddle. It's a sativa, dude.

It'll lift your spirits but not knock you out.

Just do it.

I love you.

I love you too, Joe.

I, Sir Dragunov, have been detained by Minerva, the sea hag.

His bewitchment by the siren's song shall be the nail thine army wants, King

Diamond the Red.

We shall see.

Until evermore.

Till evermore.

Eric!

This is the kingdom of Eliphaz, my naive friend.

Nietzsche hid me and dressed me.

Aye, just felt right.

Adventuring is exactly what thou need'st.

Nietzsche's not a word.

Where we are, it is. Take him and get off.

Now is not the time to lose thy nerve, bravenscorn warrior.

Now he's been recruited to fight in the glorious army of Cathedra at the epic

battle of Evermore.

Come, Sir Hunt.

That's terrible.

That three -year -old nephew can make a better map.

He's got learning disabilities.

What do I have to do?

You, my friend, are on dragon duty.

Take these and make sure that we are good to go.

And Dragon Rider!

Just don't fuck with my stereo.

The dead meadows of bottom.

Grass is nourished by the blood of heroes.

Hmm?

Are you listening? Yes. Okay. Uh -huh. And here

we

have Fengerian Falls!

Oh.

Remember, gentlemen?

Your supervision of this script and the monsters contained within will make this

event come alive.

Follow me now. Adventures lie waiting like sleeping dragons.

And

here

we have Novum Castellum.

Each band of heroes will complete a five -three quest with you by gathering at

the plains of Evermore.

The battle betwixt the realms of King Diamond and Kerry.

Though there'll be a big surprise in store for all.

And as Game Master, I will be watching over all of this.

You can think of me as God.

Gwen, just whom I wanted to see.

I have been watching you these long, battle -swept nights of the campaign,

you have shown your mettle, severely.

The time has come for you to ascend to the upper hurdles.

Oh, God.

The game hasn't started already, has it?

We don't have to talk in dark and easy, do we?

I thought maybe you'd want to be my assistant head game master, and you

my... My right hand, Gwen.

I have an idea of what your right hand spends a lot of time doing, Ronnie.

That's really personal, Gwen.

Come, Clemson.

Take that as a no for now.

You okay? Shut your mouth.

I thought you guys only used foam weapons.

In this world, young Jordan, you can only put your trust in steel. My elite

clientele is willing to pay a premium for authenticity.

Where the fuck are the keys?

Come on, Joe. You play D &D.

Five action role plays the next level.

D &D was a long time ago.

Yeah, and you were a legend. These people here, they sing songs.

About the time that you gave Ronnie Kwok's paladin demonic syphilis.

Do you remember?

Remember when we caught Ronnie spanking it to the succubus pitcher in the old

monster manual?

Good times, man.

Yeah, and some of us are still having them. Come on.

Eric's about to level up to grand sorcerer. I'm packing an ounce of killer

shrooms. And there'll be monsters in need of pummeling.

You have a choice.

Join us, tasting the sweet nectar of victory, or mope around an empty house

week like a bitch.

You guys do actually look slightly badass.

It's like a man o' war cover.

Without the muscles.

All right.

I'm in.

Don't make me rethink this. No.

Welcome to the fields of Evermore.

Um, Ronan. Yes, Travis.

Where are our costumes?

There is no end to the tricks up my sleeve.

Wardrobe? Yes, sir.

Got it. 42 regular. 42 reg. I think you'll find it snug.

Great. Freshly laundered. I'm a trained actor, man.

Not some fucking stunt monkey.

A weekend improv workshop, my ass.

I'm grateful.

Ah, greetings, enchanter.

I have some surprises in store for you.

Some creatures with a taste for flesh of the lowest order.

Hmm?

Parasites. Charlatans? War profiteers of forbidden weaponry? Verily I say, let

it go, dude.

The marketplace is a battlefield, and to the victor go the spoils.

Agreed. I bring news of a legendary warrior long absent from this realm who

returneth to replace the estimable Sir Reginald.

The new warrior is, of course, welcome.

Wonderful! Joe Rioth of Revit shall once more fight by my side. Joe Revit's

here? What the frack, Eric? I hate that guy. Ronald, Ronald, why be so petty?

I mean, surely you're not still sore about your syphilitic paladin.

Perhaps the pages of your monster manual remain stuck together?

For old time's sake, he's in.

You must accomplish a level 12 summoning spell to animate Joe's character with

Reginald's life force.

Consider it done, my liege.

Okay, that was a bit much.

Show off.

Though the adventure begin, please report for quest assignment.

Step forward when your group is called.

Breach End Warrior.

The Medieval Knievels.

Gnome Land Security.

Bear Leather Friends.

The North Whisperers.

Keep this reminder. All guilds must complete their quests prior to

Battle of Evermore.

Also, Ryan the Necromancer beseeches thy help in finding his inhaler. What?

Oh. His inhaler of doom.

And to the owner of the sperm -white Toyota Tercel, thine chariot is blocking

the witch's covenants. Move it or you'll be faced with a hex of great dark

magic. And you'll be told.

It's a lot like you remember it, except for instead of sitting around a table,

we do it for real.

It's a fake.

Fake real, dude. Don't fuck with me. And this fake real involves, uh, yoga?

Laugh now, but a structured warm -up routine helps prevent injury later.

All right, I'll show you.

Come on.

What?

All right.

Arms and legs, one point.

Versus two, limb takes a hit. It's useless until healing's been cast.

Parry disarm can be used once per melee.

Unless you're up against a two -handed weapon. Grab your sword. I'll

demonstrate.

You got an idea?

How about I just forget the count and start wailing?

Dude!

Dude! It's honor system, man.

Okay, you're all set to join the battle. I just spoke with Ronnie.

Oh, except, uh, lose the sword.

Huh? Yeah.

Noobs don't get swords.

I have to earn the right to carry a foam stick.

It is not the size of the young knave's blade, but the lust and the thrust by

which legends are made.

Oh, Joe Bryant.

There is one more thing you're going to need to do.

Guys, pentagrams?

And we don't roll that way here, all right? This is a LARP, not the Wicker

we can cosplay.

Nay.

It's in the book, dude.

Hey.

Eric.

Maybe the rest of our traveling companions.

Stand back and witness the spectacle.

Of my animation spell.

You ready?

Okay.

Once again.

He thinks you should not be so much of a pussy.

Don't tell me you've never played with fireworks before.

Not like that.

What was with the faces, the smells, everything?

What was that?

Tell you what I see.

A warrior.

Who can't let go of his path.

What are you doing?

It's not like that.

It's no matter to me, apprentice.

What the shit is going on? Why is there smoke?

Eric, I said a basic summoning spell, not one of your non -regulation

pyrotechnic displays. This was more befitting a 27th -level sorcerer. But

are not yet.

What's up, Joe?

Neath I remind thou, the Temple of Syrinx awaits.

Don't be a buzzkill, Ronnie.

Come, Gunther.

What?

How

you

doing there, Captain Tripp?

Fairly.

There be a fungus among us.

Is it your fungus that's fucking with me?

Because if you did slip me some shrooms, why does it feel like I got bent over

and taken advantage of back there? Perhaps my reach exceeds that grasp, is

So, who are our comrades, Enchanter?

Right. That'd be Londo, the pious. Watch him in battle. Complete weasel, but

entertaining. You'll see.

Sir Gunther, the mighty.

Headcase with the big stick.

He is unique and crazy.

And... And Guinevere the Fearless, whose plus three acid perfection should keep

the memory of she who shall not be mentioned at bay.

Plus three?

Clearly you underestimate my endowments.

Look,

your party has disturbed the nest!

Demon aid!

What the fuck?

Lay on!

One of the beasts feels so hungry, gluttonous, a stunning blow!

Who's there?

Hello, ape -lings?

Joe!

A little help here?

Huh? And help us kill some freaking apes! Are you here for the LARP?

Live? The LARP?

Do you maybe have a map?

Oh, because I sort of lost my way.

I got separated from the group.

Game master saw a palpable hit and an unconscious man throwing weaponry,

weaponry that is beyond the expertise of your lowly character.

Don't understand what you said, but I'm going to sit down.

Three, two, one, play on!

Got separated from my group.

You too?

Well, then maybe we should stick together and both look.

Oh, oh.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

This is some sort of furry fetish. No, I don't mind at all.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

Oh,

that's okay, Custer.

Rise from the ground, thy wounds be bound.

Regeneration spell successful.

Fill thy tongue, lest I remove it.

Oh, my bitch. Ow!

Same time.

Same time. Big go!

So, perhaps the party should split up for it to cover more ground. Capital

Sir Londo. Take Sir Hung the capable and explore yon forest for the fabled

temple. Verily, we shall meet thee evermore if not before.

Godspeed to you and thine servant.

Servant? I want to apprentice fucketh you very much. Easy.

I beseech thee to give him wide birth as he is pained by a riven heart torn

asunder by the cruelty of an untrue maiden. Enough with that shit, please.

Easy, my liege.

I told these guys that that word cool.

At last, the simpletons and heretics have left our brotherhood.

However, it occurred to me that mine apprentice had forgotten something.

Where'd he go?

Thou must return to the kingdom of Eliphaz.

Parking lot.

Parking lot. And fetch the amulet of Korkom from our transport.

For it shall be needed at the Battle of Evermore.

So go to the parking lot to get something you forgot.

Aye.

I shall join you on your mission.

The forest is no place for an unarmed adventurer.

Let's go.

Amen.

Attention all teams. Upon completion of your quests, you may head to the

battlefield to prepare your camp for the night.

But as always, be on guard for the evil scourge from beyond our borders.

You know those redneck paintball jerks who crashed our Sagnor hunt last week?

Prithee, take care.

Is that you, fellow denizens of Elves Realms?

Speakers of Elvish?

Um, do you have a map, maybe?

Do I know you?

Are you here for the LARP?

Was it the robes or the pointy ears that gave it away?

Because I sort of lost my way and got separated from the group.

Oh, no. You're one of those freaky vampire LARPers, right? Wrong weekend,

I don't mind at all.

I think thou art marching down the wrong battlefield, sweetie.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Nobody. They're bright.

So you were having fun back there.

Oh, no, I wasn't.

Okay, a little.

But you can't tell anyone.

I wouldn't even know what LARP was if it weren't for Gunther.

He's a little hardcore with this.

Well, at least you're supporting your boyfriend's interests.

A lot of girls... My boyfriend?

God, no.

Gunther's my cousin.

He's a good kid, but he never breaks character.

Whoa, whoa, wait.

He never breaks character?

He truly believes he's in another time and place.

His folks don't let him come to these things alone.

So you're a warrior sitting there?

Well, after the Medieval Times incident, I seem to be the only one you listen

to.

The Medieval Times incident?

Mom thought it'd be cute to take him there He jumped the wall and sent the

knight to the hospital Sorry

It's too late.

Drop to the nether realms.

All I'm saying is that we'll be taken more seriously if we refer to ourselves

sprites. Can we please stay in character? You guys sound like a bunch

girls. Well, if anyone would know about little girls.

Okay, I tried to handle this in private, but if you want to do this here and

now, standing in the woods dressed like fucking fairies, so be it. Lo, perhaps

thou art having thine monthlies.

Out of game.

Out of game?

Okay.

Fine, what the hell's your problem?

You're the one who wanted to experiment.

Don't blame me if you can't handle the consequences.

It was fine as long as it was all about you. But heaven forbid, I enjoy it. You

saw her without me.

That wasn't part of the deal.

I'm heading back to camp.

Go! Someday someone's going to tear your heart out, and you'll know exactly how

I feel!

Sprint!

Let's fly.

You look like one of those... freaky vampire LARPers.

Maybe we should stick together.

Maybe.

As you approach the exalted township of Valinor, you notice that your own path

intersect with another.

Sir Hung, he is rustling just across the way.

I can hear the breeze on my skin.

Tis burnt orange.

That in English. The fuck's he saying?

I don't know. There is electricity in the air.

Okay, Ronnie, so if he goes insane, can I inherit his experience points? You're

obsessed with experience points. No, let's not talk about that now. I'm just

saying that's a waste of experience. I could use that. Fill thy cowardly

Oh, holy shit.

Prepare thyself for battle, witch.

Do I know you?

All right, I don't know what you're on, but I think it's clouding your judgment.

Naked master, the scales have finally fallen from thine eyes.

Are you okay?

Have you been in an accident? Tis no accident!

Go no closer!

Although I have gazed upon thine visage before, tis only by the light of yon

moon hast thou true nature revealed itself!

Okay, Hung, he's up there, buddy. I think she really needs some help. Excuse

do you really need some help? Fuck you and the mustache you rode in on!

I'm outta here.

The noise came from around here somewhere.

I'll just keep you awake.

understand.

We gotta keep going.

We gotta get Eric, your crazy cousin, and call the cops.

What was that?

Shit.

Joe, what are you doing?

There's someone in there.

I know. That's what I'm worried about.

You're not going to sing, Joe, are you?

Tell me you're not going to sing.

I'm not right now, baby.

No,

no, no.

mighty warble.

Evil has befallen him.

Its handiwork is all around us.

We heard you and we thought it might be whoever did this.

Where's Ronnie?

Alondo.

Do not enter or you will not see death forever.

Joe, what the fuck is going on here?

I don't know what's going on, but I want to talk to Ronnie. Ronnie?

You think Ronnie is responsible for this?

Well, I'm supposed to think.

You guys and your quest for authenticity.

Real weapons. In -game bullshit.

Arcade books. The evil book again.

It would surprise me not, wizard, if thou hath brought forth something vile

unholy a pox upon mankind.

Gunther!

We're out of game here, man.

Somebody tell me what the hell's going on here.

Hell indeed is going on.

The wizard has summoned evil.

And most likely, while my apprentice was in the circle, he has been made unholy.

I cannot tell you just whether man or beast, but I can tell you surely it's

Joe Bryant.

We need to get out of here.

What we need to do is avenge the poor souls taken here this eve. With what?

Phone sticks?

So Bryant is right.

We need weapons from my private reserve of steel.

I will speak of sense.

Let us return to camp and arm ourselves.

Well, they call for help, reinforcements.

I'll feel safer for that.

Get a hold

of yourself, man. Get a hold of yourself, man. What the fuck was

that, man?

Oh, my God, she was not normal. She was like some she -beast from the...

My sweet shit. Oh, my sweet, sweet shit, Eric.

You fucking asshole, I have to warn him.

Who the fuck am I?

They suck at making maps!

Where the hell am I?

Why isn't no one here?

Shouldn't someone be here?

And the best way for us to help is to drive somewhere and get some. That's not

what it was agreed upon.

We were to seek vengeance.

Where are the weapons?

The weapons aren't here, okay?

Now, come on. Let's go.

How the fuck is my phone?

Anyone?

Sorry, dude.

Look, there's some weird shit going on out there, man.

Okay.

We gotta call 911. Do you have a cell phone?

911's just gonna route a cell call. What you ought to do is call the Sky Valley

Sheriff directly.

I can get the number.

Call Sky Valley Sheriff.

Sky Valley Sheriff. Sheriff. There's been an accident at the State Park

campgrounds. You've got to get here as soon as you can. Hold up now. What kind

of accident? Well, there's this LARP event going on. Wait a minute. LARP?

dressed up like wizards and shit? Yeah, like that.

But this is serious.

It wasn't just one of those paintballer pranks. People are in danger.

You stay put.

We'll be right there. Thank God.

Tommy.

Tommy, get your ass up.

We've got to get going.

Hey, Randy.

Rise and shine, buddy.

We got a cold dish of get -back needs serving. Get your cousin and get your

gear. I'm gonna pick you up in ten.

Whoa! This does not look like regulation gameplay.

Are you guys out of game or not?

We're so far out of game, we're somehow back in it.

I thought you said there were bodies.

What are you guys up to? We'll be the game master.

We'll be our hordes for glorious combat. Everyone else completed their mission

and camped out on the battlefield.

Are you guys going to camp or just stay up all night?

I must fight the evil at its source.

You guys are on another planet.

You know drugs are off -limits out here. How far is the battlefield?

Ronnie Kwok's going to hear about this.

How far?

Take it easy.

That way through the forest.

I'm out.

Great. Now can we get the hell out of here?

Teddy, you can't leave Gunther.

Joe.

God damn it, Joe!

What is that?

Are they... I think they're...

Dead, Eddie.

Beth?

Beth!

Holy shit, that's your psychotic girlfriend?

I'll tell you what I see. Tell you what I see. A warrior who can't let go of his

past. Oh, shit.

This has something to do with the photo of me and Beth at prom.

What? Yeah, in the book. The fucking eBay book, man.

Get the fuck out, man.

No, I had the photo with me when you summoned this... Whatever this is with

book. Eric used the book to send that bitch back wherever she came from. I

know how. I just...

Well, then, just pick another... Pick another page and hurry the fuck up.

Mar... Marpa... Sing it! Sing it, wizard. Mar...

She just went off into the woods to die like a wounded animal.

Fuck!

God!

This is the signal of mammoth. Where did you get this book?

Uh, why? Shut up, never mind.

Did you read this page?

Um... Why? Did you read it? Yes, yes! Holy fuck, yes!

We read it, and it scared that crazy chick back to hell!

Wherever the fuck she came from. And if that doesn't give me level 27, I don't

know what Wilcox want. You pony up. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay.

That don't make sense.

It makes no sense.

It's gibberish. It makes sense! It makes sense that you speak Anarkian.

Anarkian. You made that up. This is the Sigil of Amos. It is the only one of its

kind. It was handwritten in the 16th century by the mystic John Dee, and it

been lost for generations.

Ah, bullshit.

It came from the internets, not the 16th century. If you're trying to get out of

admitting how awesome I am... John Dee was trying to summon angels, but evil

travels under its own power, and he actually summoned demons, and the demons

forged this book.

What are you saying, Quark? Dee tried to destroy it, but he couldn't. So he

sealed it, and he hid it deep underneath his manor estate, and it has been lost

for generations.

But here it is.

In your incapable hands. And you summoned a succubus from hell.

And

then

this last passage that you just read, the Herald of Abominag.

And in the language lay the name of the Hell Lord Abominag. And I have... spoken

the name, and hell has rained it down.

You didn't injure it, you ignorant fuck!

You transformed it!

Sorry.

Transformed into what, exactly?

What? What the fuck was that?

I don't know.

Ronnie Kwok's dragon.

Shit! Shit!

Oh, my God, we overslept again.

It's time for everyone. Come on, grab the fucking horn!

If the thing eats souls, you guys, we are gonna die.

Shit! Shit! What? It's the horn of war!

It means that the Battle of Evermore is going to start in ten minutes.

Why now? It's like three in the fucking morning. Well, it's not supposed to

happen for another few hours, but Ira is a dick and did it early. There's a

Varper buffet on that field, and all those poor bastards have a foam sticks.

We have to save him.

Are you fucking nuts?

No.

I think I've done enough damage already.

Slaughtered our best friend.

Are you going to let that stand?

You've been out here practicing this shit every weekend for years.

Face it, man.

You've got everything, but you've earned nothing.

Are you going to hide from that thing the way you hide from real life?

Are you going to man up and avenge the death of our friend?

The time has come to earn our valor, people.

For home.

Steal thy selves, adventurers.

The time for battle is nigh.

The fate of the glorious kingdom of Evermore rests in the balance.

Two armies fighting for one prize, bragging rights on the Evermore and Larp

Alliance message board.

Diamonds don't speech.

He rouseth the troops.

I am well aware that words cannot inspire courage.

Render a timid army, valiant, and perhaps...

Words are necessary for you, my brave lot, for there is no timidity within

Oh, wow.

You know, I worked with him once.

He's got such a gift for me, DeAndre. Yes, he loves it.

Oh, here goes Carrie. Here goes. Some of you are gentle souls in peace, but when

that horn of battle blows, we must disguise our fair nature, summon up our

blood, draw up...

most terrible aspirin!

And we shall reign!

Fortune is on our side, but if that fickle bitch should prove unjust, then

go to fighting like gods and leave your enemies a bloody and

mournful victory that tastes like ashes in their mouths! I covet only one

thing.

Verily, there is two things.

Join me in coveting those same glories. For if it be a sin, let us

be the most offended.

No strikes to the codpiece.

Quark's going to be so pissed he missed this. Oh, shit.

The horn, blow it. The Battle of Evermore hath begun!

What the hell is that?

I lost the official horn of battle.

This is the shofar from my temple, so...

The battle is upon us. Which army shall reap the spoils of the conquest?

King Diamond's army doth fight with valor and art, opening a can of John

-Ass upon their foes.

The king's army is holding their ground, matching them hit point for hit point.

Calling Ronnie's dragon.

Get the hell out here already.

A dragon hath appeared.

A bounty of experience points awaits the brave soul who dare take on this

ferocious beast.

And please, don't be douche, lords, with the wings.

The paper mache is still drying.

What is that?

Buckers didn't wait for me. It took us two weeks to build that thing.

What was that?

You get points. You get points.

Run, beauty humans.

That's perfect. That's perfect. Get this one. Yeah, yeah.

These people are not part of the game. Repeat, not part of the game.

I'm so out of here.

Batsu. I don't know.

Maybe an Ocelot.

Or a Mind Flayer. It could be a Rage Golem. Look, it's got the deadly

just like the Monster Man. Shit, how is this even possible?

I don't know.

Count of three. We're going to make a break for the path, all right?

One. Hey, focus.

Two. No.

Fuck this shit.

I'm not moving another step until somebody tells me. What the hell?

There's something really terrible coming, you guys. And we're here to

Oh, shit.

Oh.

world isn't swallowed up in that hell.

You want to go see a show sometime?

Nice to meet you, warrior.

Sure.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Sure would be good.

Demon!

You shall not harm this quivering boy!

And so be Enochian.

Give us a smile!

Sweet cheese.

You can't drive a truck. It's not my fault.

No. Shit!

No, that's okay. This is good. This is the gem we were... Okay, this is... When

he read the Symbolum, the gem glowed. So that is the source of the power.

So the book is like an instruction manual?

Yes, but it's more like...

It's you, Joe Pryor.

Eric.

Eric! The jam combined with singing. It's what makes the magic work, right?

Fucking fine, old man!

Are you a wizard or not? Yes, yes, yes!

It's definitely the catalyst. I think this song will work. Fire it up. Track

two. Go!

Minions drag me into the abyss.

What's the thing?

Grab it.

Is it Motorhead? Dude, shocker original, son.

The rise is bringing the dead to his cast.

His soul is devoured in wrath.

And get twisted in blood -red

clasps.

He is reborn in the dark

side. Working! Working!

Turn the sky -

made this world known

the

sacrifice of my soul

To the nether realms, bitch.

You have questionable tastes in women, my friend.

Apparently.

But I have excellent tastes when it comes to music.

Apparently.

I see nightmare creatures.