Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, what's got Q on the case?

Are you here, Secret Agent Randy Beans?

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: Why is Murr being a grim reacher?

The first breast I grabbed was in a coffin.

[ Laughter ]

And which losing joker will get a taste of defeat

in tonight's punishment?

Man: Aah!

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

We're back at it today, working as a receptionist

checking people into their appointments.

Cranges McBasketball.

Except all the crazy names we have to call out

have been written by the other guys.

The goal is to read these crazy names

without laughing.

Mr. or Mrs. McBasketball.

Whoever laughs the least wins.

Cranges.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Joseph, that's a sensible, nice blazer.

-It doesn't fit me anymore. -Can't tell from here.

-You're looking good. -That's 'cause I'm sitting down

and I cut the back off it.

[ Laughter ]

Here we go.

So, everybody's here for focus groups, right?

So, we're just gonna call out some names.

You hear your name, just come up

and then we'll send you to the appropriate room.

Glagadeen Capisce.

[ Laughter ]

Glagadeen Capisce.

[ Laughter ]

Minty Hummer.

[ Chuckling ] Who wrote Minty Hummer?

[ Laughter ] Minty.

No.

Church Pewpewpew.

Church Pewpewpew.

Coolie Whistles.

[ Laughter ]

Coolie Whistles?

Lumpy Dumper.

[ Laughter ]

Lumpy Dumper, no?

It must be the 4:15.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ]

This is a mouthful, this one.

Fidelroyolanda Smackonmytiddyboosters III.

[ Laughter ]

Maybe the III is a typo.

Fidelroyolanda Smackonmytiddyboosters II?

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

-That's a laugh! -That's a laugh!

-I don't care. -Yeah, that's a laugh!

Disfatt Bidge.

[ Laughter ]

Disfatt Bidge.

[ Laughter ]

Q: Here we go, here we go. Here we go, here we go.

Hold me up. Hold me up. Hold me up.

[ Laughter ]

Uncle Boobs.

[ Laughter ]

Uncle Boobs.

Joe: There he is, hard at work.

[ Laughs ]

His computer screen's not even on.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: You guys are all here for the focus group?

I'm just gonna go through the names.

If you're in the group, come on up.

Here we go.

[ Laughter ]

Ms. Doodat? D-Doodat?

Diddy Doodat.

No?

Uh, Ms. McNamara?

Is there a Cleavage McNamara.

[ Laughter ]

We got him.

What the he-- none of these names are right.

Queen Skeet?

[ Laughter ]

They have the wrong group, here.

Hey, Terrence, none of these people are here.

Is there a Yanni Van Halen?

[ Laughter ]

No?

Is there a Colonel Indiana Longnuts?

[ Laughter ]

Does anyone here have the rank of colonel?

Sir, Colonel Longnuts?

[ Laughter ]

None of these are right.

Jabreakit -- [ Laughs ]

Jabreakit Jubawdit?

Is there a Jabreakit here?

Jabreakit Jubawdit? No? It's not the right group.

What? I don't get it.

[ Chuckling ] Gregory Poo-- Gregory Poopsicle.

Gregory?

[ Laughter ]

Got him again!

Gregory Poopsicle? This is...

Terrence, it's not the right group.

-Oh, here we go. -How you doing, guys?

Q: Just sit tight. When you hear your name, just let me know.

♪

[ Sighs ]

[ Laughs ]

Stunk Beagle?

[ Laughter ]

No? Okay.

[ Laughs ] [ Laughs ]

Irish O'African?

[ Laughter ]

Is there a Irish O'African?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

There it is! Got him!

Got a Cowabunga Peppermill?

[ Laughter ]

-Cowabunga Peppermill? -No.

Oh, Indian, yes. Simmy Kantstandyourbitz Jr.

[ Laughter ]

Is there a Simmy Kantstandyourbitz Jr.?

Henny Cabbagehead. Henny?

[ Laughter ]

Henny Cabbagehead?

Terrence, the list that you gave me,

is this for everybody, or are we just --

no, because they're looking for a Guy Hutookatit.

Guy?

[ Laughter ]

No, there's no Guy Hutookatit up here.

[ Laughter ]

Got a

[ Chuckling ] Sharty Waffles?

[ Laughter ]

A Sharty Waffles? No.

All right, let me just get through these, I guess.

We got [ Chuckles ]

That's another one!

Secret [ Chuckles ]

Secret Agent Randy Beans.

[ Laughter ]

Are you here, Secret Agent Randy Beans?

Yeah, I guess you wouldn't let me know

if you were Secret Agent Randy Beans.

Imafraid Jumitebeeinnagang.

Imafraid? Imafraid Jumitebeeinnagang?

[ Laughter ] Imafraid Jumitebeeinnagang?

Joe: How'd he get through that one?

-That's you? -Kenneth.

Kenneth, they're ready for you.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: And the man who's the worst at this game

out of anyone I know.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Here we go.

Are you using a stapler as a mouse, you moron?

You idiot!

It's a stapler, not a mouse.

You are pretty, but stupid.

[ Stifled laugh ]

Got him.

There he is. There's one.

Nabi Cankles?

[ Laughter ]

Nabi Cankles? No, nobody?

Not here.

[ Laughter ]

Reverend Donk Bonkers?

[ Laughter ]

There's -- I mean, you have to e-mail me a new list.

This is not -- next they want Real Hefty Trout.

Is there a Real Hefty Trout?

[ Laughter ]

Eyeluvver Butterdogsheds?

[ Laughter ]

Eyeluvver?

I don't know what's going on here.

Is there a Jerry Seinfeld?

[ Laughter ]

Is Jerry Seinfeld here?

I was supposed to be in at 2:45.

Are you Mark-Pat Joe-Bill Dinosaur?

[ Laughter ]

Wasda?

Wasda Deelwifkramer?

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, I think you gave me the 2:45 group.

If you just e-mail it, then I'll -- Yeah,

because then I'll call the 3:00 group.

What are you, going for an Oscar?

Pacino, put the phone down. Let's go.

Okay. Hoo-ah.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

Yeah! Yeah!

Murr: Try to deliver this one.

Yeah! Yeah!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

Joe: Yeah! Yeah!

I mean, that's a laugh if I ever saw one.

Hufokkin Tonight?

[ Laughter ]

Is there a Tonight? Mr. or Mrs. Tonight?

Just raise your hand, Hufokkin Tonight.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

That's a laugh.

Mother...

Joe: Take a breath, that's right.

-Say it! -He's crying.

-Open your stupid mouth... -What is...

You're literally melting out there.

Mother Coconuts?

[ Laughter ]

Mother Coconuts.

[ Laughter ]

[ Keyboard clacking ]

"This...list...is...wrong.

Sal."

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: This was no laughing matter for Joe,

so the other three jokers are up on the loser board.

Today, we're in the park getting strangers

to help us create our online dating profile.

The catch is, what we're showing them

has been created by the other guys.

Once we present the profiles,

we'll ask them to rate them on a scale from 1 to 10.

Whoever gets the lowest score loses,

and I wore a pink shirt today.

I thought it was salmon. Salmon.

Q: Here he goes.

Joe: It's a beautiful day in the park

to be working on your dating profile.

Murr really is the only one who's online.

Yeah, on online dating services.

He knows what it's like to reach out, not get a reply.

[ Laughter ]

Hey -- Hey, girls? I hate to bug you.

I need a woman's opinion.

I'm filling out a dating profile.

Could you give me your honest opinion of my answers?

Okay, uh, just -- James, that's me.

My self summary --

"I ate a whole wet newspaper for a TV talent show

that never aired."

So, I thought that would be something

cool and different about me.

Oh, it's no joke.

Yeah, I didn't mean it as a joke.

I meant it seriously. I'm actually pretty proud of it.

[ Laughter ]

"On a typical Friday night, I am..."

I wrote "eating ribs in the tub, baby,

and there's room for one more."

[ Laughter ]

I was trying to be a little flirty, there, you know?

It's cute.

She is done giving real feedback.

"The most private thing I'm willing to admit" --

"The first breast I grabbed was in a coffin."

[ Laughter ]

My grandmother, when she passed away,

I reached out and I touched her boob.

Sal, Q, and Joe: Ohh!

That's not written. That part's not written.

You think it's too much?

[ Laughter ]

On a scale of 1 to 10, how datable am I?

Probably an 11.

11? Oh, you got to be kidding me.

Why do you say that?

All right.

[ Laughter ]

Do you girls want to help a fella out

with his dating profile app?

Yeah? Yeah, it's quick.

It's asking me for my self summary.

It says, "They removed a lump from me

and now everything flows where it should."

[ Laughter ]

I'm also a diehard Yankee fan.

Flip it? Flip it.

Flip it, yeah. Flip it. Flip it.

On a typical Friday night,

I am playing at Skank Row with my band the Fart Trio.

I'm on drums.

[ Laughter ]

So I'm musical, so I guess that's nice.

Girls like that?

[ Laughter ]

The most private thing I'm willing to admit --

I left a man for dead in a cave once.

[ Laughter ]

There was, uh, a spelunking situation.

[ Laughter ]

I'm really good at -- I can tell if any person

is an Asian woman from behind.

[ Laughter ]

No?

And the last one I have here is it says,

"What would you do with an unexpected bonus from your job?"

And I wrote, "Go ape-[bleep] at Lids."

[ Laughter ]

The hat store!

I try to budget myself,

but I would just straight-up ape-[bleep]

[ Laughter ]

He's not even wearing a hat now.

He never wears hats.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how datable do you think I'd be?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, she's Asian.

[ Laughter ]

Just give me a number.

-Ohh! -5. 5.

I got some work to do, though, clearly, right?

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me. I'm trying to fill out a dating profile.

Yeah?

And I would love a female perspective

on some of answers.

Yeah?

Joe: Here we go.

The first thing that people notice about me

is my dead eyes.

I hear that a lot.

[ Laughter ]

What I'm doing with my life -- I make teeth for things.

Teeth, yeah. It's like taxidermy.

Like when they stuff a giraffe or something,

I put dentures in.

Ah, okay.

Only teeth, though.

[ Laughs ]

Uh, the most private thing I'm willing to admit...

[ Laughter ]

Uh, the most private thing I'm willing to admit...

♪

Uh, the most private thing I'm willing to admit...

[ Laughter ]

Every other Sunday, I drive upstate

and leave tuna in my ex's mailbox.

Tuna?

'Cause it stinks. And so does she.

It is a little too honest.

A little too honest?

My life motto is, uh, "Cowabunga, sluts."

[ Laughter ]

I think that's good.

That's okay? Oh, great, perfect.

[ Laughter ]

On a scale from 1 to 10, how datable is this guy?

Like a 5? A 5?

-5! All right! -Okay, all right.

I can deal with that.

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me.

I'm making this online dating profile.

Yeah?

I was wondering maybe if I could like

run some of my answers by you.

-Yeah, sure. -Here we go.

All right, favorite books, movies, shows, music,

and food --

"Pizza, obviously, you stupid idiot."

[ Laughter ]

Too much humor?

It's just not funny.

Okay.

What I'm doing with my life -- uh,

"Beating women...

away with a stick, LOL."

[ Laughter ]

Why don't I just get rid of the dot, dot, dot,

and I just put one full thought and not make it a joke --

"Beating women away with a stick,"

so they know I'm a ladies' man.

[ Laughter ]

"What would you do with an unexpected bonus?"

"Give it to a church -- not.

Atlantic City with my goon squad."

This is bad?

On a scale of like 1 to 10,

how datable do you think this is?

Kind of a weird dude.

[ Laughter ]

We're safe. We're safe!

Murr: Negative 2?

Narrator: Sal was a hopeless romantic,

making him tonight's big loser.

-Hey! Sal is our big loser. -Yet again.

So, we're here at the Boat Show

in the largest convention center in New York City.

What do I got to do? Destroy a boat?

No. Rub people's feet.

They've been walking up and down the aisles,

oh, so much, their feet are weary.

-Their dogs are barking. -Oh, I don't touch feet.

This is not gonna bode well for anyone.

You have problems rubbing your own feet.

I might throw up on someone's foot.

Yeah, that's okay. Just work it into it, though.

[ Laughter ]

Guys, there's a punishment afoot. Oh, God.

Joe: All right, Sal, let's give some people some foot rubs.

Q: Get your foot rubs here. Get your foot rubs.

Okay. Ahh. Ahh.

Oh, great.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

[ Stifled gag ]

Already. Already, look at him.

-[ Mumbling ] -Get in there, buddy!

Hm.

[ Laughter ]

-How's that smell? -I'm not breathing.

-[ Laughs ] -All right.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

-Have a great day. -One down, Sal.

[ Sighs ]

Joe: Look at him just looking at his hands.

[ Laughter ]

I got to clean my hands.

No, no, no, there's no cleaning of your hands.

No cleaning.

You like a firm pressure?

Yeah.

Sure, sure.

Ooh, yeah. Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Sal, just drop a, "You like that?"

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, yeah.

Say it!

-You like that? -Oh, yeah.

[ Laughter ]

Mmm!

"I'm a straight-up bad boy."

-Ahh. -No. I'm not gonna --

You have to! It's a punishment. Say it!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckling ] I'm a straight-up...

What? What's that?

-What is it? -You said something.

I'm a straight-up bad boy. [ Chuckles ]

You're a bad boy?

[ Laughter ]

Ah, well, just call me Nasty.

[ Laughter ]

-It was a pleasure to meet you. -Oh, thanks so much.

I hope you have a great day, dear.

Nice try, guys. Nice try.

Oh, yeah, she was a friend of ours.

Nice try? Why? You still had to rub her feet.

Ugh.

[ Laughter ]

-Is this for anybody? -You want one?

-Yeah. -Lotion okay?

Yeah.

Look under the purple towel on the rack.

-[ Chuckles ] -It's ranch dressing.

[ Laughter ]

Take out the ranch dressing and just squeeze it

and slap it on.

Joe: Okay, so Sal's onto us.

He knows that some of these people we invited here.

-Oh, sure. -Hey, Sal, by the way,

this isn't our lady.

[ Laughter ]

Sal, this isn't our lady.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: You're rubbing ranch dressing on a stranger.

I can't even believe, you know, what's happening here.

Sal, go, "Surprise, I used ranch dressing."

[ Laughter ]

♪

Murr: You're rubbing ranch dressing on a stranger.

I can't even believe, you know, what's happening here.

Sal, go, "Surprise, I used ranch dressing."

Surprise.

It's actually ranch dressing.

You know, it exfoliates.

[ Laughter ]

-You're all set, dear. -Thank you.

I can't even smell my hand.

My hand smells like [bleep] ranch.

[ Coughing ]

Joe: Another friend of ours

who has what you would call jacked-up feet.

[ Laughter ]

I'll use a lotion if you don't care.

[ Laughter ]

It looks like "American Werewolf in London"

mid-transformation.

Just I have, uh...

I'll put some powder there for you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh!

Are you a mayo or mustard guy?

Uh, mayo or mustard on your sandwich usually?

Mayo.

You know, a surprising fact about mayo.

Do you know a surprising fact about mayo?

I have some right here, and I'm gonna rub your feet with it.

I have mayo. I usually use it on people.

-Wow. -Let me get the mayo.

I'm starting to feel, like, nauseous.

Oh, God!

Oh, my -- Ohh. No.

I can't. Oh.

Murr: Ew!

-I can't -- -Oh, God, this is bad.

Why would we make ourselves watch this?

[ Gags ]

I'm sorry. This has got to be you.

[bleep] you -- you -- They sent you here?

Are you part of it?

[ Laughter ]

Are you part of the -- You're part of the show?

Yeah, this guy's a friend of ours.

Nobody has feet like this just by nature.

[ Laughter ]

They told me you're on the show.

You've got to get your foot off me, please.

-Time for your lunch break. -You got a delivery, Sal.

Your punishment ends when you eat a rib. Enjoy your rib.

-Don't clean your hands off. -I'm not eating a [bleep] rib.

-Yes, you are. -Take a bite.

-Take a bite. -I can't.

[ Gags ] They smell terrible.

[ Gags ]

[Bleep] it.

-Eww! -Eww!

I'm gonna throw up.

-That's it, buddy. -You're done!

You're all done, pal.

[Bleep] you and your big-ass feet.

[ Laughter ]

♪

Sal just got defeated in tonight's punishment.

We're gonna give you a behind-the-scenes look

of how it happened and give you bonus footage

from tonight's episode.

Check this out.

This is where the jokers are behind the scenes,

and this is how far it is to the massage chair.

And here we are. This is where Sal was massaging feet.

In here, we have cameras. Check this out.

I can't even smell my hand.

My hand smells like [bleep] ranch.

Joe: And he can't do anything about it.

Sal's about to find out in this intro

we're shooting right here what he has to do.

Three, two, one.

Hey, Sal is our big loser.

Oh, I don't touch feet.

This is not gonna bode well for anyone.

You have problems rubbing your own feet.

I rub my feet. Don't say that.

I get out of the shower -- I put on antiperspirant

on my feet even.

-What? -That's how thorough I am.

-Yeah, I spray -- -No one cares.

You know who doesn't do that?

The 10,000 people walking around this boat show.

This is my shirt for anti-bullying.

-Very cool. -Be nice to people.

Don't be a bully. Back the [bleep] up.

[ Laughs ]

Don't do stuff like that. That's not nice. Hugs.

Oh, he did it as an example.

Nice. Got it.

Do hugs. You have a soft face.

I do, don't I? Isn't that crazy.

It's crazy.

Take out the ranch dressing and just squeeze it

and slap it on.

[ Laughter ]

Sal, what does it smell like?

Uh, like ranch.

[ Laughter ]

You just signed a release.

You know that you were on camera.

How do you feel?

Uh, I feel like a salad.

[ Laughter ]

You know what's the problem?

They're very, very hot.

Q: You know what really cools down a foot, Sal?

A nice cool breeze.

You want to blow on that thing for him.

-Toot, toot! -Toot, toot.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ] Not by choice.

[ Laughter ]

Do what they call the hand hold,

which when you put all your fingers through all her toes.

Uh, let me know if there's any pressure is okay...

-Yeah, sure. -...and if I'm hurting.

-Oh, my God. -Ohh!

That's ticklish.

[ Laughter ]

You got a delivery, Sal.

[Bleep] it.

-Eww! -Eww!

I'm gonna throw up.

[Bleep] you and your big-ass feet.

[ Laughter ]

Well done, baby. Well done.

-Are you kidding me? -That was amazing.

They did not smell what I just smelled.

I mean, of course not.

They're delicious ribs in a different context.

Uh, is there a Tinkles? Tinkles Van Buren?

Dee Plane, Dee Plane?

Arabian Nice.

Darcy St. Cous.

Geppetto Cream Cheese?

Sal's dad is cool?

Professor Hamstring Kung Pao.

Prairie Dog Muffleman.

-Ma Wuzfordinner? -Chauncy Stank?

-Nyuck Nyuck. -Bernie Crupinsky?

All-Butter Pound Loaf.

Is there a Miso Corny?

Grady O'Gotacrotch.

Bert Shebertbert.

Gary Gary Gary Gar?

Shart Simpson.

Ponz McNamara?

Slim Buchock?

Tatiana Oh, No, You Didn't.

Mahatma Gagherkin?

Is there a Laronda Oh, Yes, She Did?

Is Holland Tunnel here?

Oh, No, It's Carl?

Is there a Gaylord Suitcase?

Abraham Von Cameltoe.

Fook Fatch?

Fook Faytch?

Fook Fache?

Bony Orlando?

Probably Tony -- Bony Orlando.

None of these here.