Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up,

why is Sal punching his way out of a paper bag?

[ Laughter ]

What's got Q breaking the ice?

I just love to suck ice pops all day long.

[ Laughter ]

And which losing joker

will sink his teeth into tonight's big punishment?

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: I want my mommy!

[ Laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ Laughter ]

Today, we're working at Carvel,

and it is a perfect day for ice cream.

While working behind the counter,

we'll have to do and say

whatever the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say anything, you lose.

Q: It's gonna be a whale of a time!

Oh, Q.

-Aw, Q. -Q.

Joe: I've heard it's been pronounced wrong all these years.

What? Guys, it's pronounced "ass cream."

Oh, ass cream! Ass cream.

Yeah, not ice cream.

Yeah, sure it is.

[ Laughing ] Q: Ass cream.

It's hot out there today, right?

Perfect day for ass cream.

Perfect day...

[ Laughter ]

Perfect day for ass cream.

[ Laughter ]

Can I try the chocolate hazelnut?

Ass cream.

Chocolate hazelnut?

Ass cream? Small?

There she goes. Now she got it.

Yeah. But, just one ass cream?

[ Laughter ]

Can I get you both a set of ass creams? Woman: No, I'm good.

Oh, you don't yet. So, let me know.

I'll make this ass cream.

I'll come back to you for your ass cream.

You want ice?

[ Laughter ]

These two are to go?

Q: Sal, punch a hole in the bottom of the bag.

[ Laughter ]

Now, put the stuff in. Now, put the stuff in.

[ Laughter ]

Look at the guy.

[ Laughter ]

Can I get a new bag? Sal: Oh, sure.

Punch a hole in this new bag too, buddy.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

Murr: He just handed him an empty bag.

What'd you do?

He needs a bigger bag, clearly. Oh, of course.

You know, what you probably needed a bigger bag.

[ Laughter ]

What would you like?

Murr: This kid wants sprinkles.

Count out 50 sprinkles exactly.

Sal: You wanted the junior with rainbow, right?

That's 50 sprinkles.

One.

Two.

[ Laughter ]

Three.

Four.

Joe: There's been a sprinkle shortage.

There's been a sprinkle shortage,

and we have people that use 'em too liberally. Oh.

So, now they want exact counts for them.

13.

18.

They want me to count out by -- by hand.

It'll go a lot quicker if we don't talk.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: Oh, that's enough. Dump 'em all.

Oh, my God.

[ Laughter ]

Let me say one thing.

Let me just say one thing.

You two gentlemen... You two gentlemen...

...made a beautiful child.

...made a be--

made a beautiful child.

[ Laughter ]

Murr: I can't believe he said it!

Okay, guys, time for a delivery. All right.

Murr: [ Laughing ]

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

All right, Sal!

[ Laughter ]

Look at his big fat face. Q: [ Laughs ]

Joe: You're punching yourself!

It's frozen, you dope!

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Welcome to Carvel. What can I do for you?

Joey, keep getting distracted by your own hand.

You want to soften up...

Huh?

[ Laughter ]

Look, look, look, look, look.

Q: He looks so stupid.

This one.

No, no, no. Look, look, look.

See right here?

This one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[ Laughter ]

So, that one's $5.45, and $5.45?

Just slap the register with your hands.

Like, just palm it.

$10.90 for them both.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Look at his face.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, bud, how are you?

Small vanilla with chocolate syrup. You got it.

Joe, keep touching the ice cream by accident

with your nose.

Did you want the hot fudge?

[ Laughter ]

It's all right, man. Sorry, no. I'm sorry.

You know what? I'll do a bigger --

I'll do the bigger cup.

Joe, hit your nose on it again.

Okay, so that's it.

Ah! Ah! Oh!

Oh, that's on me.

Murr: You got to get him another one, Joe!

That's on me. That's my bad.

Let me get you a bigger cup.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Slam your face into it on the table.

Oh! Oh!

[ Laughter ]

That's my bad. Let me get a bigger cup.

Joe, go in the back and grab a bucket.

[ Laughter ]

Chocolate syrup.

Joe, get your head in that bucket!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ Laughter ]

Oh, oh, oh, man!

That's on me!

[ Ding! ] [ Laughter ]

It's a perfect day for ice cream, isn't it?

Right on.

That's a straight-up tight-ass perm right there.

I tell you. That is a stra--

[ Laughter ]

That is a straight-up, tight-ass perm right there.

[ Laughter ]

Joe: I'm talking hashtag permanant!

Hashtag permanent!

It's all-natural. It's all-natural?

It looks fantastic.

[ Laughter ]

I want a soft vanilla with rainbow sprinkles.

Soft vanilla with rainbow sprinkles -- you got it.

Soft vanilla was my nickname in college.

So--

[ Laughter ]

Soft vanilla was my nickname in college.

Tight-ass perm.

[ Laughter ]

How can I help you out?

You want me to write it on the cake?

-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. -Sure.

All right, no problem. I'll go do it right now.

What are you gonna make it say? Congrats, you big baby?

That's better. How's that?

[ Laughter ]

Okay, so here we go.

Uh, "Congrats, you big baby" right?

[ Laughter ]

What did you say?

Joe: Oh!

No problem, no problem, we'll fix it, we'll fix it.

"Congrats on your baby boy." You ready, Murr?

Congrats on your big-ass baby.

[ Laughter ]

ay?

Joe: Oh.

No problem, no problem, we'll fix it, we'll fix it.

"Congrats on your baby boy." You ready, Murr?

Congrats on your big-ass baby.

[ Laughter ]

Here we go, here we go, okay.

Uh, "Congrats on your big-ass baby."

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

You had it easy out there, pal.

What are you talking about?

I did not! You go out for my turn.

One turn.

If I don't get you,

I'll take a loss for the whole episode.

But I'm gonna go hard on you.

I'm gonna go hard on you. Whole episode?

Whole -- I'll take an automatic loss.

Fine, you're on. Let's do it.

All right. I'm going out!

All right.

Joe: Back at the scene.

You just made a serious mistake.

Murr: Hello, sir.

Let me guess. Chocolate.

[ Laughter ]

I just lost.

[ Laughter ] Q: Wow!

Narrator: Murr froze up,

so he's being soft-served onto the loser board.

Today, we're in the park with all my dogs.

We're each gonna take a Gatto pup,

go up to a stranger,

and ask him to watch our dog for us.

The catch is,

we're not gonna use the dog's real name.

We're gonna give a name and back story

that's been fed to us by the other guys.

Once somebody agrees to watch the dog,

one of us will approach and then ask about the dog.

If you can't get the stranger to repeat the name

and weird back story, you lose.

Sit!

Stay.

Sal: All right, Q, let's go. Here we go!

I assigned the dogs to you, my friends,

on, you know, personality or look.

Mishkeen and Q are dead ringers.

They say that all owners look like their dogs.

[ Meowing sounds ]

What is that? That's Mishkeen!

[ Laughter ] [ Meowing sounds ]

That's not your dog right now. Look at Q!

Is that Q making that sound or the dog? No, it's the dog!

Murr: The dog's doing that?

[ Mewing sounds ]

Sounds like somebody's letting the air out of him.

Q: All right, buddy, okay. I got to go now, too.

Would you actually mind watching him for a second

while I run to the bathroom?

Thank you. His name is, uh...

Joe: His name's Ice Pops. ...Ice Pops.

'Cause I love to suck ice pops all day long.

I just love to suck ice pops all day long.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, I'm gonna run to the men's room right there.

Oh, he's adorable! What's his name?

Well, his name is Mishkeen,

because I just looked at the tag.

Ice Pops?

[ Laughs ]

Why did he name him Ice Pops?

[ Laughter ]

All right, well, you got an adorable dog.

Oh, I'm gonna go back in there and take care of that. Go ahead.

Take care, guys. Have a good day, okay?

We're gonna send Q back in.

Ice Pops!

Thank you so much for watching him. Good doggie!

Okay, thank you, Mishkeen.

That was my old dog that died.

Oh, no! I know, horribly.

They were brothers, so I put Mishkeen's on Ice Pop.

Aw. Yeah, I know.

I'm not so weird after all.

[ Laughter ]

All right, thank you!

[ Ding! ] [ Laughter ]

I got Biscotti, the fat angry one.

She's also the leader of the pack,

so she stands up for the other ones.

It's like with you guys.

[ Laughter ]

Come on, puppy. Good girl.

Come on. Come on. Good girl.

Hi, sorry to bother you.

I have to use the restroom.

Would you mind watching my dog real quick?

I know I can't take her over there.

Oh. Yes.

Are you guys gonna be here for a minute, or no?

Is that cool?

Thank you so much, I appreciate it.

Yeah, her name is, uh...

Biscotti.

Her name is Biscotti.

I named her that because I'm an unhealthy fat bastard

that lives and dies by pastry.

I named her that because I'm an un--

I'm an unhealthy fat bastard that lives and dies by pastry.

[ Laughter ]

I'll be right back. I'm just gonna run to the restroom.

Okay.

There's no way the guy's saying it.

There's no way.

Sons of bitches.

[ Laughter ]

Sal: Hi.

What's, uh, what's his name?

Oh, you're dog sitting?

Well, what was the name?

All: Biscotti!

That's funny. That's a cute name for a dog.

Kind of wonder why he named it that?

[ Laughter ]

Was he a portly man, or...

Stocky fella?

Bigger than you.

Was he, like, an unhealthy, fat bastard?

No.

Done. It's a loss.

[ Sighs ] Daddy's back. Hi, Biscotti.

Hi, baby.

I ran as fast as I could,

but I'm such an unhealthy fat bastard

that lives and dies by pastry.

[ Buzzer ] [ Laughter ]

Cannoli, come on, this way!

Q: How did Murray get Cannoli?

Well, we went with what people look like.

Like, Cannoli has the smallest head.

Murray's got the smallest head of us. Without a doubt.

Okay, here we go.

Sir, do you know -- is there a men's room around?

Yeah, I see it over there.

I don't want to take him in the --

white dogs are problematic with...

Do you mind?

He just asked, "can I watch the dog?"

Thank you so, so much. I really appreciate it. I'll be right back.

It's name is Hennessy.

My dog's name is Hennessy.

I named him that 'cause I use him

to hit on smokin' hot black chicks.

I named him that...

[ Laughter ]

I named him that 'cause I use him

to hit on smokin' hot black chicks.

[ Laughter ]

I'll be right back, okay?

Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

Okay, Hennessy, I'll be right back. Bye.

I feel good.

I'm just gonna go for a walk in the park

and check the facts on this dog.

There's no way that guy is gonna repeat that.

[ Whistles ] I love petting dogs

Joe: Oh, here goes Q.

Hello, sweetheart!

Oh, my God. What's her name?

Hennessy?

[ Laughter ] Got one!

Oh, Hennessy, how you doin' sweetheart.

What -- why Hennessy?

Oh. Do you know why they named him Hennessy?

You don't know.

No! Come on!

[ Laughter ]

Quick, give me Hennessy!

There's some smokin' hot black chicks by the bathroom.

Come on, Hennessy! They love Hennessy!

That's it, they love Hennessy!

[ Buzzer ]

This dog is yanking me.

Tartufo, I gave to Sal because Tartufo is my sexy one.

It's the youngest, cutest cotton ball with legs.

Stop walking in front of me.

Also, the least trained.

So, this should be fun to watch Sal

trying to control my biggest, strongest dog.

No, no, no, no, no!

Sit. Sit.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, then just come on this way.

What an alpha-male.

Come here. Come here. Oh, good girl.

Murr: Here we go. Come on.

Her name's, uh...

Sluff.

Sluff.

I named him that 'cause it's the sound

that his mom made when he slid out.

[ Laughter ]

Sluff.

I named him that 'cause it's the sound

that his mom made when he slid out.

It was like, sluff.

Wow, that is disgusting.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, Sluff.

I named her Sluff 'cause it was the --

it was actually like, the sound that she made

when she was born.

When she came out of her mom, it was like, "sluff."

[ Laughs ]

I know, weird, but, it's funny.

I have to use the restroom. Would you...

Like, 30 seconds?

Okay. Come here, honey.

All right, so far. There you go.

Thank you so much again.

Joe: All right, let's check it out.

Q: Joe's going in.

How do you see this one going?

Sal: This is gonna be a tough one, guys.

So, you have to get her

to talk about the sound that dogs make...

Yeah. Onomatopoeia.

Sluff is onomatopoeia.

Hi! Hello!

How are you!

Oh, what's her name?

Slurf?

She's saying it, she's saying it.

Yeah, yeah, I'm in so far. Okay.

Why -- why, uh, Slurf, do you know?

[ Groans ] Yes!

That's odd, but it's cool.

Oh, wow. Ba-ba-ba-baaaa!

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: Murr and Joe ran away

with their tails between their legs,

making Murr tonight's big loser.

And Murr's our loser.

That's it, and it has been said by many people, buddy,

that you have no soul.

So today, you are going to be playing Dracula

in a local presentation of the "Dracula's Monologues."

What's the Dracula's -- there's no such play.

Exactly, what's the "Dracula's Monologues"!

Don't worry, it's a role

you could really sink your teeth into, my friend.

Don't worry about it.

Now you're getting it. I have to make it up?

Speaking of makeup...

Here we go.

Go ahead. Oh, fangs!

[ Laughs ]

[ Pipe organ music ]

Q: There he is.

[ Laughter ]

You look so stupid.

And now we cut the mike

and leave you to your own devices, bye!

Yeah, good luck, buddy. See you later.

No, wait, wait, wait. Come on!

Come on, don't do that! That's not funny!

Like, I don't know what to say!

Don't worry, it's just the "Dracula Monologues."

I don't know the story.

[ Laughter ]

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

"Impractical Jokers" present the "Dracula Monologues."

[ Drum roll ]

[ Upbeat piano music plays ]

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Oh, by the way, it's not the "Dracula Monologues."

[ Laughter ]

You're in a gospel choir as James Murray, right.

And you're about to do this performance.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

He's got to perform with this gospel choir right now

to the best of his ability.

So the choir is in on it,

but the audience has no idea.

Why am I Dracula?

[ Laughter ]

Q: Let's go, let's go!

[ Laughter ]

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Joe: Look at his face!

Yeah!

[ Laughter ]

Murr: I don't know. Why am I Dracula?

Just sing.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

[ Laughter ] ♪ Hallelujah ♪

Like, what is the audience thinking?

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Whoo! ♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

[ Audience applauding ] [ Laughter ]

♪ Oh when the saints ♪

♪ Go marchin' in ♪

♪ Oh when the saints go marchin' in ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ Oh ♪

He's like... He's off beat! He's off beat!

He's off beat!

♪ When the saints go marchin' in ♪

Murr: ♪ You got to be within that number ♪

♪ Oh when the saints go marchin' in ♪

[ Laughter ] ♪ Oh, when the saints ♪

♪ Wanna be, wanna be, wanna be, wanna be ♪

♪ Wanna be, wanna be wanna be, wanna be ♪

♪ Wanna be, wanna be wanna be, wanna be ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints go marchin' in ♪

Q: Big finish!

Murr: [ Vocalizing ]

The fun's just getting started, buddy.

Woman: ♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh hoo ♪

♪ Hoo hoo ♪ ♪ Boo hoo ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

[ Laughter ]

Q: Yes! [ Sings indistinctly ]

♪ I remember the day ♪

♪ I remember the hour ♪

Oh, she's gonna testify, James.

♪ Early in the morning ♪

♪ Oh, late at night ♪

I wonder who testifies next.

[ Laughter ] No!

Oh ♪

I remember the hour ♪

Oh, she's gonna testify, James.

♪ Early in the morning ♪

I wonder who testifies next.

♪ Oh, late at night ♪

[ Laughter ] No!

♪ My troubles ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Q: Uh-oh!

Joe: All right, Murr, take the center stage.

♪ Holy ♪

Testify!

[ Laughter ]

Here we go.

Murr: ♪ Hoo hoo ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ I... ♪

Woman: Come on.

♪ I'm a man who is pretty strong ♪

♪ I've got three friends that done do me wrong ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ Holy, holy, holy, holy ♪

He's like...

♪ No matter what my friends do to me ♪

♪ I gotta say I kinda love them too-ey ♪

♪ Holy, holy, holy, holy ♪

Now, let's speed it up!

[ Laughter ]

♪ Holy ♪

♪ Holy ♪

[ Laughter ]

♪ Holy ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Holy ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Holy ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Holy ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Holy ♪

Sal: What is that?

What is that move?

♪ Holy, Holy ♪

♪

-He's doing James Brown! -He's doing James Brown!

Woman: Yes! Yes!

What am I -- what am I watching right now?

♪ Holy ♪

♪ Holy ♪

♪ Holy ♪

♪ Glory, glory, glory ♪

♪ To the newborn king ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Joe: Look!

[ Laughter ]

Murr, big finish! Come on down.

[ Eerie piano music ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Why am I Dracula?

[ Laughter ]

♪

e! [ Laughter ]

James Murray just got punished,

and you're watching "Impractical Insider."

We're gonna give you a behind-the-scenes look

at everything that happened.

Check this out.

♪ Oh, when the saints ♪

♪ Oh, when the saints ♪

♪ Go marchin' in ♪

♪ Go marchin' in ♪

♪ When the saints go marchin' in ♪

What do you like best about this punishment?

One of my favorite things is the, uh,

when there's such a huge switch...

Uh-huh. ...that you don't see coming.

He won't see it coming in a million years.

Joe: It's not the "Dracula's Monologues."

Certain days on set,

you know, like, we're in a dingy basement,

or, you know, we're on a boat.

But today, we get to hang out in a theater

and get to listen to this.

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ It's Murr ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ He's gettin' punished ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Because he lost ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

So yeah, we have a lot of options

for the Dracula outfit.

It's kind of Dracula-inspired.

It's like a crazy, fun vampire.

So, this is one we're probably not gonna use.

Whoa, this is cool.

Like, that's like a pirate one.

I love this -- all this velvet.

This is kind of S&M, though,

which Murr won't like too much.

And you can't use that for a punishment.

What have they told you so far? Nothing.

Nothing, but I -- I have ascertained

I'm in some kind of theater, a school of some kind.

Today, you are going to be playing Dracula

in a local presentation of the "Dracula's Monologues."

Well, at least I'm dressed in black.

Well... Well, of course you got to change.

Of course you got to change, you know that.

Q: You think you're gonna go dressed like this?

Dracula doesn't look like this.

Well, okay, then put a cape on me.

But I'm already in costume. Yeah, yeah.

We're gonna put a cape on you and that's it.

What are your main concerns with this punishment?

Well, they're telling me

I have to improvise an entire play from scratch.

Mm-hmm. That -- that's a big [Bleep] concern.

So, just beyond there, Murr is getting into makeup,

and he has no idea what's gonna happen.

He really believes that he's doing this performance.

Q: You look so stupid!

Like, I don't know what to say.

Joe: Don't worry, it's just the "Dracula's Monologues."

I don't know the story!

[ Laughter ]

So, Murr's upstairs already,

and this lovely choir is going in.

♪ Hallelujah ♪ Joe: You're in a gospel choir as James Murray.

You're about to do this performance.

♪ Hallelujah ♪ Q: Go, let's go!

Hallelujah

This is all happening right now, baby.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

It's goin' down.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Whoo! ♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

[ Laughter ]

Let me just clear something up.

So, the whole time you were worried, actually,

about the punishment, about what you were gonna say and do?

Yeah, I'm like,

I don't know enough about Dracula's history.

I don't know -- I know some basic details,

but I'm like, how am I gonna improvise

a whole play on my own?

[ Laughing ] I read his whole Wikipedia page to research.

We needed to get some soul, did you notice that? Oh, my God.

Yeah, yeah. Your soul?

Got it. Got it, they gave me soul!

Yeah. It all makes sense now.

I wish we had one more song.

Joe, we have one more song! Oh, we have one more!

Finale, Murray!

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory, hallelujah ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

[ Laughter ]

[ Audience applauds ]