Original subtitles

Bidding starts at one dollar. Do I hear a dollar? A dollar?

A dollar makes me holler. Let's go two dollars.

Yup, yup, three dollars. Yup.

So you auction off items

from the lost and found every month?

- Mm-hmm. - It doesn't

leave customers much time

to come back and get their stuff.

No, people don't even come back for their children.

- They're not coming back for this crap. - [gavel bangs]

One man's crap is another man's whole new personality.

Last month, I purchased a pen

that was owned by actress T�a Leoni.

Sold for five. Fantastic.

Okay, guys, that's all we got for this month. Amazing.

Now, hold on. We got one last item, and it's a beaut.

- [gasping] - COLETTE: Oh, my God.

- D-Don't... - Neck massager.

- [buzzing] - Oh.

It's the perfect size to really get in there.

Oh, my God, is that a...?

Yeah. A used one.

- Mm-hmm. - BARB: Actually, this may be

a little dirty, but you can even use it

- on your downstairs. - Oh.

- [buzzing] - BARB [groaning]: Oh!

Who the hell would bring something like that to the DMV?

Who knows, really? It's im... It is impossible to tell.

- [moans] - COLETTE: Or prove. I mean, maybe

the person packed their bag in the dark today,

or whatever day that they brought it.

Well, I have never felt looser.

And I'm gonna bid five whole bucks

on this little pocket rocket.

Great. Five bucks. Do I hear ten?

No. Going once, going twice. Sold to Barb.

This auction is over forever.

Bye, guys.

Gregg, it matches your shirt.

You and me at lunch?

?

Oh. Thank you so much. I mean,

I really couldn't have passed this road test without you.

You know what? I think the key was trusting your instincts

as a strong woman, right? Yeah.

And keeping your eyes open the whole time. That helps. [laughs]

[laughs] You are the best.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

- Well, it's... - AUTOMATED VOICE: At window

- number five... - Oh, my God. Colette Tyler?

[Colette gasps]

Oh, my God. Amber.

I'm the worst at keeping in touch.

What has it been- like, three years?

Ooh, like, eight.

- No. - Yup, eight years, yeah.

But I get it. You've been really busy, putting out fires.

- Oh. - Literally.

- That's my stunt double. - [laughs]

They just bring us actors in for the close-ups.

- I knew that. - Can you believe

I'm going into season four of Lifeguard Fire?

I can, actually, because there's a billboard

that looks right into my apartment.

- No way. - Yeah, so I have this, like,

constant reminder of your success.

I mean, don't get me wrong. Like, the money is incredible.

- Oh, right? - Like, stupid, even.

- Oh. Money is stupid. - But I just think

about when you and I drove out to L.A.,

two dreamers from Delaware, and we promised

we would never compromise on our goals.

- Did we? - Speaking of,

did you crush veterinary school or what?

What can I say?

Other than... the truth, which is, yes, I am a vet.

- And I'm practicing medicine... - Yes.

- ...on animals. Yes. - Yes.

Okay. You're sitting with me. I want to hear

about your love life, vet school, everything.

Yes. [laughs]

How much time have you got?

The love life is pumping.

- Blip, blip. [laughs] - [laughs]

Greggy Sue, we got a problem.

What did we say about interrupting my chair naps?

Not to do it, but this is important.

Noa's working through his morning break.

Oh, my God.

I know. New guy. It's a problem.

Not on my...

Were you gonna say watch? That would have been tight.

Thank you for your patience.

- Hey. - Hey.

So I understand you're working through your break?

Yeah. I thought I would just lighten the load a bit

for the rest of the crew.

- Oh. [laughs] - [laughs]

No.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving two, five

at window number...

So, the first year of vet school-

that's your cats, your dogs, your, you know, hamsters.

Small domestics, we call 'em.

And then, you move on to the big boys-

you know, the lions and tigers and bears.

- Oh, my. [laughs] - [chuckles]

We actually had a tiger on set of Lifeguard Fire this season.

- Oh, wow. - Spoiler alert.

What was a tiger doing on the beach in Hawaii?

That was my question, too, until I read the script.

Circus plane crash.

- Right. - GREGG: They say

you get used to the smell after six months, but...

[quietly]: Oh, God. Oh.

- Do-do-dee. Boo-boo-boo. - Uh-oh.

Just checking I can still touch my toes, and I can, so...

I would hope so after all the ointments

you had to put on them.

All good, pleased to report. Walk normal, swim normal.

Yup.

? ?

You gonna jump out the window again?

What? No.

I'm hiding in here because there's an old friend out there,

and I don't want her to know that I work at the DMV.

It's stupid, I know, but, like,

I shouldn't be intimidated just because she's the star

of some ridiculous beach bonfire show.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Charlie Ocean is here?

Oh, my God. I am freaking out.

Have you seen the new trailer?

No, I'm not really a... Um, you're showing me anyway.

So...

[upbeat theme music playing]

That wildfire just messed with the wrong beach.

COLETTE: Are they looking at something in slow motion?

How hard is that? It's just like,

"Oh, no. A fire.

Can I put it out with my perfect breasts?"

Mama, jealousy is not a good look on you.

I know.

At the East Hollywood DMV, we never skip breaks.

I quit smoking years ago,

but I still come out here twice a day

because the state grants me that right.

Well, I admire your... dedication?

Yeah. Thank you.

You see, taking breaks is how we don't kill the job.

Excuse me.

Breaks are one

of the few perks we still have left here at the DMV.

And if heroes like you

start working through them, then it's only a matter of time

before Big Sac starts coming down here

and starts taking that away from us, too.

Yeah, I used to be like you, trying to go the extra mile.

And then one day, I got into the weeds

on a boat registration

and worked until closing, which, at that time,

was 4:00 p.m. The next day,

we started closing at 5:00.

- Oh. Man, people must have hated you, Gregg. - Yeah.

Some of the old-timers still call me Gregg-stra Credit.

Mm. That must really hurt.

Yeah, Noa. That's the worst thing I've ever been called.

Hmm.

- [Noa clears throat] - [siren wails in distance]

Finally.

Hi.

I'm here to get a REAL ID.

I'm actually shooting a movie in Atlanta.

Atlanta? That's where my cousin is serving a lifetime sentence.

I'm not sure why I said that so enthusiastically.

It's really sad. So sad.

Ah, it's so sad. So the REAL ID, when you get a second?

Right. Let's do this. I just need

your old ID and two proofs of residence,

and you'll be wheels up in no time.

Wait. Two? Uh... [scoffs]

Sorry. I thought it was only one.

Um, I don't know.

Could you use, like, my IMDb page?

I do not know what that is, so, no.

Do you know what being verified on Instagram is?

- Okay. Oh, there you are. - Hey now.

- Coco? - Yeah.

Apparently, six acting credits and two appearances as "self"-

one being a late-night appearance- isn't enough

- for this woman. - As "self"?

What kind of clown show are you running here, lady?

- Thank you. - BARB: Excuse me?

I'm sorry. This whole process

is just, like, incredibly confusing.

Yeah, it is. You got some nerve expecting customers

to read a very clear sentence in bold

at the top of every form, Barb.

Which I gather is your name,

from context clues and your ID badge, 'cause you work here.

- And I don't work here. - No, she's a vet.

Uh... oh.

- What is happening? - You know what?

- Can I talk to the manager? - Yes.

Oh, oh, oh, great. You're a manager?

Great. Can we talk in private, over here, please?

Thank you. I think

- she's just intimidated by celebrity. - My God,

I hate when people get that way.

It's, like, see yourself in my characters.

You know, my wins are your wins, you know?

- Yeah. You're so relatable. - Thank you.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving zero-45...

Okay, look, I am gonna act really mad

and, like, do some big gestures, but the point is,

I ran into an old friend here, and I pretended

that I'm a customer.

I know it's crappy, but I said I was a vet.

You know, so, I think it's because I just, um...

You don't want her taking advantage

of your very powerful position here.

Yeah. Yes, that is it.

Don't worry. I got you, girl.

She's not the only one with acting chops, okay?

COLETTE: Okay.

Wow.

What?

Just wow. I am so insulted right now.

Don't take it personally.

That you didn't bring me in on your lie.

Wait. What?

I'm the ruse king, baby.

That's what I do.

[British accent]: Oh, what's that now?

It's me, Denzel Washington.

He's not British.

Exactly. Ruse king.

GREGG: See, it's about pacing yourself.

Not killing the job is about more

than taking every official break.

- You understand? - Mm.

It's simple, really.

Oh, do you need to use the...?

Oh, God, no.

For actual bathroom trips,

use the Dave & Buster's on Hollywood.

But here at the DMV,

we have unlimited bathroom breaks, so...

[door squeaks open]

Employees go number zero throughout the day

to get extra moments of rest.

- Okay. - [TV theme music plays on phone]

Oh, hey, what are you...?

- Oh. - GREGG: Hey, Scott.

Gregg.

Hi. I'm Noa.

- He loves Lifeguard Fire. - Ah.

CHARLIE: Obviously, the fire didn't start itself, Sarge.

Dr. Colette Coco Tyler, please come to window two.

Dr. Colette Tyler, window two.

- Yup, here I am. - Yoo-hoo.

- Hey. [laughs] - Coco. Yoo-hoo.

Why do you keep paging me?

To prove that you're a customer for Miss Fancy Pants over here.

Okay, so, like, honestly, I have to know,

how does Fire Chief Kevin breathe under all of that sand?

And, also, wouldn't the flames above it turn it to glass?

Like...

You're assuming he's on Oahu.

Is Dominic alive?

Ah!

Oh, my God, you guys! Okay.

I am so honored to be helping the Dr. Coco Tyler,

vet to the stars. Is it true

you helped Pedro Pascal's dog beat cancer?

- Is it? - AMBER: Wait. Cokes?

- Huh? - Seriously?

I'm literally best friends with Pedro.

- Oh, good. - Wait. We need to send him a picture.

He's gonna die.

Just be like, "Stuck at the DMV. LOLs."

- Please don't. - Didn't kill ourselves.

- I'd love to. I'd love to be fun, but I can't. - What?

It's, like, a privacy thing for HIPAA.

And PIPAA. That's the pets.

It's all the IPAAs, really.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna come back when you're not so busy.

Oh, this isn't busy for us.

Which is good, because we're down a driving examiner.

But how would you know that? [laughs]

Exactly. But I am in a rush,

so now that you're done speaking...

Amber, it was so nice to see you again,

and I am just so glad that we're both thriving so much.

It was really good seeing you, too.

- Yeah. All the best. - Hey, babe.

Sorry I'm late. I had to park the Lambo.

Only handicaps. Hey.

I'm Colette's husband, Deuce McDougall.

Spelled with two L's.

The only two I've ever taken. [laughing]

[quietly]: You're welcome. Ruse king.

[chuckles]

- [exhales] Okay. - [printer whirring]

Oh, whoopsie. [laughs]

Always use the farthest printer possible.

If it's convenient, you're doing it wrong.

Here at the DMV, we like to slow things way... down.

Come with me. Mm.

Come with me slowly.

? ?

? I'm working at my job, yeah, that's right ?

? I'm working at my job ?

? I'm completing all the tasks ?

? That are assigned by my boss ?

- Slower. - ? I'm working ?

? I'm working, I'm working... ?

- Too fast. - ? Working, I'm working ?

? I'm working at my job ?

? I'm working at my job, I'm working on my job.?

AMBER: I cannot believe you got married first.

Literally, all our friends thought she'd be last.

- Well, that's nice. - Mm. Mm, mm, mm.

But you never know when love's gonna just

force its way into your life.

- [chuckles] - Like this guy.

[both chuckle]

My ring is in the shop, by the way.

- Oh. - VIC: Yeah, we're adding diamonds to it.

Lab-grown,

'cause my queen hates conflict.

- I do. Yeah- mm, no. - Mm-hmm...

Oh, my God. No. Just feeling a little,

- uh, nauseous. - Well,

we all know why that is.

'Cause my girl's got a bun in the ov.

- [laughs] - Really? Congrats.

- VIC: Surprise. - COLETTE: Yeah, we're...

- expecting a little deuce. - [laughs]

- Mm... - Got to drop a deuce.

? ?

[door closes]

Noa, is that you?

NOA [low voice]: No. No, no, this is Scott.

From written tests. I'm just ordering some hamburgers.

Do you want one?

How dare you?

[regular pitch]: Look, I'm sorry, man, I just...

I needed to finish one registration.

Okay? [stammers]

Do none of these locks work?

Nothing here works.

Except you.

Gregg...

- [door opens] - Gregg...

A baby.

- Can I touch? - Oh...

You already are.

I had a feeling, if I'm being honest,

from the minute I saw you.

- Oh. - You know, your face is doing that thing

where it's glowing, but...

- full. - Yeah.

You know, I'm just glad her body still works,

after all that action she saw in Afghanistan.

- Afghanistan? - Yeah.

- Afghanistan? - And Iraq.

And a little Mogadishu.

Yeah. As I think we all know,

my lady here is a highly decorated vet.

Wait, so, you're a military vet, too?

Uh-huh, because that

is the other meaning of the word "vet."

- Yeah. Yeah. - Mm, yeah. Uh-huh.

Wow. So you're a vet vet.

Yeah, I've been super busy with the...

you know, the training and the killing, yeah.

From being a Navy SEAL to saving actual seals.

[laughs] What a crazy ride.

- That's a fun biopic for me to play. - VIC: Mm-hmm.

Anyway, enough about me. Look at that.

Looks like your photo's done. So, I think the next step,

according to info available to everyone on the DMV portal,

is to print your receipt and, uh, get you on your way.

- Yay, you. - Mm, hold on. I don't know,

I feel like this photo's good for a normal person,

but you're Charlotte Everett Ocean, right?

I mean, I guess I could do a fun lip color or something.

- I think it looks fine. - This is gonna be fun. For everybody.

What are you guys doing?

Why are you being such weirdos?

We are just trying to help.

Well, don't. I mean, this is why I didn't want Amber to know

I work here in the first place.

I didn't want her to think that I'm, like, some loser

who obsesses over TV shows

or dresses up to feel cool, in costumes,

or whose entire life is the stupid DMV.

Ooh.

- Excuse me, ma'am. First of all... - Yeah. Hey.

...thank you for your service.

- Oh. You're welcome. - And did I also hear

that you're some kind of superstar vet?

'Cause my dog is sick.

- [whimpering] - COLETTE: Oh, uh... Know what?

- I'm- don't really know how to... - AMBER: Oh,

she's the best.

She'll save your woofer. Come on, Coco. You're on.

BARB: Yeah, Doctor, why don't you show him

how much better you are than the rest of us?

Yeah, go for it, babe, since you're such

an all-star vetrealar...

ernarian. [scoffs]

? ?

[whimpering]

- [sighs] Uh... Mm. - BURT: Please?

So, I'm gonna start by measuring this animal's heartbeat,

which any good vet knows is, uh,

you check just right beneath

the, um, the nipples, and, uh, yeah.

I think I found your problem.

This fella has a lot of nipples.

- Yeah, Pretzel is a she. - Huh, obvi. Yeah.

Go off, queen. Now that I have you,

when did this sweet girl start feeling sick?

- About ten minutes ago? - Copy that.

So, just crunching those numbers,

that's, like, 70 dog minutes.

Now that I have, uh, calculated

the onset of this pooch's illness,

I'm gonna just, uh, I'm gonna check the tail reflex.

- Yeah. Uh... You may... - [barks, growls]

- Oh. - COLETTE: Ooh. Yep. That worked.

Didn't like that. [weak chuckle]

All systems go in that area.

- [retching] - Oh.

- That's it, girl. - [retches]

Get it out, girl.

- [wet sloshing] - [all groan]

Better out than in.

COLETTE: Okay, well...

Someone is feeling better.

- Attagirl. - [applause]

You good now? I'll send you the bill.

- Thank you so much, Doctor. - Eh, don't mention it.

Coco, that was so badass.

- You're like an actual hero. - Yeah.

I just get paid an absurd amount of money to play one on TV.

- You're worth it. - I know.

?

- [exhales] - Hey, I'm sorry

I was sneak-working.

Guess I just find it hard not helping people.

Why? People are terrible.

[chuckles] I know.

I come from a long line of them. I, um...

I don't really like to tell people this, but I...

I grew up very wealthy.

And it wasn't until I got older that I realized

my family's massive oil conglomerate

wasn't exactly ethical.

I don't want to be a part of it.

Are they looking for someone to be a part of that, or...?

I wouldn't know.

We haven't spoken since I left New Zealand.

- [sighs] - So you're atoning for your rich childhood in paradise

by working at the DMV?

The most despised institution in America.

Look, it just felt like this is the place

where I can help a lot of very unhappy people.

Hmm. You know, you remind me

of an idealistic teacher I once knew.

- Hmm? - Minus the generational wealth.

[laughs]

[sighs] Well, I'd better get back in there.

I've got a lot of work to not do for the both of us.

[laughs softly]

?

[inhales sharply] Oh, I got to give these up.

[exhales]

Well, now that Pretzel's feeling better,

I am finally gonna scoot.

Amber, I would hug you, but you know,

I'm a bit vomity. [chuckles]

Oh. Just like prom.

[laughs] Never let me forget. Bye, Amber.

Bye.

Is that someone's ID badge?

? ?

- That's me. - Oh. Yeah. Mine.

[low]: Hey. What are you doing? Stop.

Your friend might be a fake lifeguard,

but we're not gonna let you drown on your own.

We're gonna drown together.

Hey, what's going on, Coco?

Um...

Thanks, guys. It's-it's okay.

Uh, Amber...

here's the truth.

I work here.

- What do you mean? - I work at the DMV.

That is me. Yep.

I never applied for vet school.

It's very expensive, and turns out, it's a lot of birds,

- and I don't like birds. - Well...

if you're happy, I'm happy.

?

I am happy.

[chuckles] All three of us are supes happy.

- Aww. - [chuckles]

Hey, that wasn't a lie.

[chuckles]

- It's just the funniest thing. - COLETTE: Right.

Because you'd think that they'd make bikinis fireproof,

- but they don't. - They-they don't? Wow.

- S-Sorry. Uh... - Hey.

- ...can we get a photo? - Aww.

- Sure. - [Amber chuckles]

S-Sorry, I actually meant you.

Wouldn't have gotten my license without you, so...

- Ah. - That is a cold fact

that feels much warmer.

- Get in here. - I'll take it.

- You'll take it? - Of course.

She did it. She did it. Yay.

Fifth time's the charm.

- COLETTE: Thank you. - Okay, mouth closed. This isn't prom.

Yes.

- And you are done. - [exhales] Finally.

I thought I'd be here the rest of my life.

- [laughs] - Can you imagine?

Okay, I just have to print your copy from the printer,

- and you will be on your way. - Great.

Hey, Gregg?

- Hmm? - A little help?

Right away.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving

8, 100 and 29...

[exhales]

- I'm on it. - NOA: Mm-hmm.

NOA: Look at him.

So slow.

So beautiful.

- [exhales] - What is happening?

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0