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Lips,
you�made�me�drop�everything
just�to�come�see�this?
It's�bad,�right?
No,�not�at�all.
I've�seen�this almost�one�times�before.
Today,�it's�graffiti.
Tomorrow,�total�gang�war.
Why�do�you�think�this�will turn�into�a�gang�problem?
-�Well,�Rose,�the�writing's�on- -�(phone�ringing)
(phone�ringing)
-�It's�work. -�Oh,�man.
-�Let�me�say�that�again. -�Say�what�again?
I�had�the�best�line, like�in�one�of�those�cop�shows.
-�Say�the�gang�thing�again. -�I've�got�shit�to�do,�Lips.
Just�say�it�again.
(sighing)
Then,�can�I�go?
Hurry.�My�knees�hurt.
Oh,�for�fuck's�sakes.�Okay,
why�do�you�think�this will�turn�into�a�gang�problem?
Well,�Rose,�the�writing's�on-
?�Yes,�I�can�love�you�baby�?
?�All�night�long�?
Breaking�news.
A�rather�unsavoury�word has�been�written�on�a�wall
right�here�in�Grouse�Lake.
For�professionalism's�sake, I�won't�repeat�it.
But�the�word�is�'weenuk',
which�means�'balls'�or�'dick' or�the�general�junk�area.
We�urge�all�residents to�close�your�eyes
when�driving�by�Elmer's�Shed�or risk�being�slightly�offended.
In�other�news, the�lagoon�is�full,
so�hold�your�deuces until�further�notice.
Paul: Ma!�B'eb!�PJ?
Stephen�Harper�(in�Paul's�mind:) "Dearest�Paul,�we're�all�out.
"The�house�is�all�yours.
"I�just�waxed�the�floor, "so�please�don't�wear
"the�new�socks I�just�bought�you.
"Love-�I�mean�no.�Like-
"no,�I�mean,�love, yeah,�Stephen�Harper."
Fuck�you,�Stephen�Harper.
Time�to�fuck�around with�my�fuck�around�time.
?
(groaning)
Help!
(rock�music�playing�on�stereo)
-�Hey. -�(rock�music�playing�on�stereo)
-�Excuse�me. -�(rock�music�playing�on�stereo)
Come�on,�man.�I'm�almost�done.
I�really�need�to�pay�for�these.
(rock�music�playing�on�stereo)
The�song�hasn't even�peaked�yet,�bro.
Fine. I'll�go�to�the�North�store.
-�(music�stopping) -�Can't�you�just�ask�her?
I�tried�her,�man.
Fine.�You're�paying for�your�groceries.
-�You�happy�now? -�Yeah.
Real�happy.
(rock�music�playing�on�stereo)
?�But�I�just�can't�stay�away�?
Oww! Why�isn't�anyone�helping�me?
Paul,�are�you�okay?
No,�I'm�not�okay. Do�I�look�okay?
I�heard�you�crying from�across�the�Rez.
-�Here,�let�me�get�you�up. -�No!
Don't�touch�me with�your�dweeb�hands.
But�I�need�to�get�you to�the�nursing�station.
I�need�Rose. She�fixes�everything.
You�need�medical�attention.
You're�just�gonna�get�me to�take�my�shirt�off
and�try�to�touch�my�body.
It's�a�normal�medical�practice.
Sorry,�Dr.�Pervert.
Rose�is�the�only�one�that understands�my�pain,
her�and�Fats�Domino.
Okay.�But�how�am�I�supposed�to get�you�up�if�you�won't�move?
You're�the�one�that�went to�medication�school;
you�figure�it�out.
-�(wheels�squeaking) -�Hurry�up,�man!
It�hurts!
(straining)
-�There�you�are. -�(gasping)
Fuck,�Lips.
If�we�don't�get�on this�graffiti�thing,
it's�going�to�get�serious.
(sighing) Give�it�up,�Lips.
First, it's�the�weenuk�graffiti.
Then,�moose�tipping.
Next,�RoboCop�3.
This�is�the�Rez.
We�have�like three�computers...�combined.
That's�what they�said�on�RoboCop�2
before�RoboCop�3�happened.
We�don't�have�a�gang�problem.
-�Yet. -�What�do�you�wanna�do�about�it?
We�need�to�find
the�biggest,�scariest, former�gang�member,
bring�them�in, and�scare�these�kids�straight.
And�where�are�we going�to�find�that?
Right�here.
You�probably�heard of�the�Southside�Crazies.
And�if�you�haven't, let�me�refresh�your�memory.
We�were�the�baddest�broads, completely�lawless.
The�whole�Rez�was terrified�and�we�loved�it.
-�Whoa. -�If�my�gang�life
can�steer�even�one�youth towards�a�better�future,
then�it's�worth�it.
Well,�we�do�have�some extra�money�in�the�budget
for�outreach.
It�won't�be�easy, but�I'll�dust�off�the�leathers
and�round�up�the�gang.
All�right,�Schlub�Club. Both�of�you�want�the�job,
but�only�one�of�you are�going�to�get�it.
You,
didn't�I�tell�you�to�go fuck�yourself�three�years�ago?
-�Yeah,�man. -�Well,�did�you�do�it?
-�Yeah,�man. -�Good.
You're�in�the�lead. Now,�listen�up.
If�you're�a�button-down, corn-fed,�uptight,
marshmallow�motherfucker, then�go�to�the�North�Store.
-�(door�opening) -�This�is�the�Yeah�Man.
(door�closing)
Didn't�expect�to�see�you�here.
Sorry�I'm�late. I�slept�in.
Late,�huh?
Shows�no�initiative...
which�actually takes�initiative.
I�like�that.
All�right,
let's�see�what�you�got.
What�are�you�waiting�for? Clean�up!
Right�away!
(beeping)
Hard�work�don't�pay,
but�it�keeps�you out�of�my�way.
B'eb!
(breathing�heavily)
Why�are�you�in�our�bed?
I�fell.�Help!
I'm�working.
I�told�him�to�come to�the�nursing�station.
Just�do�what�the�nurse�says.
He's�not�a�nurse. He's�a�pervert.
Nurses�aren't�perverts.
Thanks,�Rose.
He�keeps�saying�that, and�it�hurts�my�feelings.
Shut�up,�Logan! I'm�the�one�that's�hurt!
Just�do�what�Logan�says, and�you'll�be�fine.
So,�you�don't�want�to�help�me?
Paul,�I�love�you,�but�you have�help�and�I'm�working.
Logan,�take�him to�the�nursing�station.
Fine,�but�I�gotta�make a�couple�stops�first.
And�all�of�this�you�pulling�me around�is�making�me�thirsty.
And�watch�out for�all�the�bumps,�man.
I'm�getting�car�sick.
(straining)
I'm�not�here�to point�fingers�at�you,
and�especially�you,
even�though we�know�you�did�it.
But�this�crime�wave has�got�to�stop,
which�is�why�we�brought in�the�Southside�Crazies.
They're�hardened ex-gang�members,
and�they're�going to�scare�you�straight.
(rock�music�playing�on�stereo)
All:�A-ha!
We're�gonna�have�to�dig�deep.
See�this�scar?
I�got�it�from a�card�game�gone�wrong.
What�happened? Were�you�cheating?
Paper�cut.
New�deck�of�cards. I�was�reckless.
Now,�I�have�to�live�with�this scar�for�the�rest�of�my�life.
Uh... (clearing�throat)
Why�don't�you�tell�the�kids about�one�of�your�deadly�crimes?
You�want�deadly,�eh?
I�remember�this�one�time,
it�was�about�7�p.m.
The�devil's�hour!
Rita:�Ningii-baapa'igemin biiwide�oshkwaandeming.
Guess�what?
Right�before they�answered,�we�ran�away.
Hilda:�On�purpose!
Twice!
Wow.�Goosebumps.
Forget�this.
We're�just�cleaning�the�store for�you�'cause�you're�lazy.
Uh,�no.
Actually, this�is�a�test.
Yeah,�sure�it�is. I'm�outta�here.
Slacker:�Yeah,�man. More�like�weird�guy.
Well, go�fuck�yourselves�then.
So,�do�I�get�the�job?
Your�training has�just�begun.
Meet�me�at�the�river...
...for�phase�one.
(electronic�beeping)
(electronic�beeping�continues)
Logan:�You�know, you�shouldn't�eat�those.
And�yet,�here�we�are.
Okay,�well...
So,�the�good�news�is, the�x-rays�show�that�your�back
and�your�ankle, they're�both�fine.
You're�right. This�is�good�news.
But... Oh.
Your�cholesterol is�dangerously�high.
Isn't�that�the�shit they�put�in�margarine?
Paul,�your�blood is�basically�gravy.
Ah, I�don't�mean�that�in�a�good�way.
Nurse�Logan,�what�are�you trying�to�say,�man?
I'm�saying�a�little�diet,
a�little�exercise, you�know?
You'll�be�better�than�ever.
Oh,�a�little�diet, a�little�exercise,�you�say?
Yes.
I've�heard�enough! Take�me�home!
You're�actually�fine. You�can�totally�walk.
You�won't�take�me? Ha!�Fine!
Aah!
You�called?
Yes,�sir. Are�you�a�fan�of�$50?
Actually,�yeah. Yeah,�I�am.
Good! You're�my�new�Nurse�Logan.
Take�me�home�immediately!
Sorry,�Logan.
This�guy�goes where�the�money�flows.
Bye-bye. (cackling)
-�Hey,�Leon,�what's�up? -�You're�late,�man.
For�what?
You�said�"meet�me�by�the�river, phase�one."
But�am�I�late�or...
do�you�lack�the�wisdom to�know�what�I�was�doing?
So,�you�did�forget.
No. The�first�test�was�patience
and�you�clearly�didn't�pass.
For�real,�fuck?
For�real,�fuck. But�that's�okay.
The�next�test... begins�now.
Where�we�going?
Uh...
Phase�2.
All�right,�that's�it!
I'm�fucking�done,�bro.
It's�like�you�gained weight�since�we�started.
What�do�you�mean you're�fucking�done?
The�deal�was to�wheel�me�home!
No�chance,�man. Where's�my�$50?
No�completion, no�cash,�dumb�guy.
Logan: Oh,�there�you�are.
Oh,�hey,�look�who�it�is, my�favourite�neestow!
Hey,�you�want to�make�50�bucks?
You�can't�keep living�the�way�you�are,�Paul.
That�sounds�like a�challenge,�man.
See�those�kids�over�there, playing�with�their�dads?
They're�so�fun, so�free.
So�connected. What's�it�to�you?
That�could�be�you�and�PJ,
but�only�if�you make�some�changes.
And�you're�willing�to�help�me?
I'll�make�it�my�mission.
Okay,�fine,�but�wheel�me into�the�shade�first.
I'm�starting�to�get�hot
and�my�belly's�starting to�sweat�a�little�bit.
Okay.�Ready...
(straining)
And�then,�when�Mrs.�Harper got�on�the�phone,
we�hung�up.
Didn't�even think�twice�about�it.
God,�that's�cold.
The�first�time�we�did�it, it�really�messed�me�up.
But�after�a�while,
I�just�did�it for�the�thrill.
Maanoo,�niiji'kwe. We�were�all�different�then.
You're�brave for�sharing�that.
Gilda... you're�hurting�me.
Okay,�let's�take�a�break.
I�think�you�need some�time�to�recover.
Yeah,�that's�a�good�idea.
Okay,�come.
Okay,�no�offense,
but�your�stories are�kind�of�undeadly.
Wegonen?
Yeah.�Prank�calls?�Fart�noises? Staying�up�past�your�bedtime?
We�rode�our�bikes without�helmets�once.
I'm�worried that�we're�losing�them.
Gego�waanendagen.
We'll�crank�it�up�a�notch,
really�scare�these little�assholes�straight.
(inhaling�sharply) Behold,�phase�two.
We�look�ridiculous,�bro.
What�you're feeling�is�humility.
That�is�what water�karate�has�taught�me
and�what I�am�going�to�teach�you.
I�learned karate�in�jail,�bro.
And�trust�me, there�was�no�water.
You�think this�is�stupid,�eh?
Knock�it�off;�it's�cold!
Dean?
Dean: Relax�your�mind,�Cousin�Leon.
Feel�the�water.
This�is�where�we're�born, where�we�return,
and�what�we�make sweet�red�juice�with.
Where�are�you?
Dean: This�is�a�time�of�cleansing.
Fight�me, and�wash�your�old�self�away.
The�fuck?!
Good!�You're�becoming one�with�the�water.
I'm�ready�to�learn.
Then...�show�me.
Oh!
(both�making�karate�noises)
I�don't�think�we should�be�watching�this,�bro.
(both�making�karate�noises)
Okay,�let's�do some�stretches.
You�wanna feel�it�right�here.
?
The�next�step is�forgiveness.
How's�this�going�to help�me�work�in�your�store?
Knock�on�that�door and�find�out.
You're freaking�me�out,�man.
To�enter�Yeah�Man, you�must�be�free�of�your�past.
Is�this�a�cult or�a�part-time�job?
(knocking)
What�the�fuck are�you�doing�here?
Nicky!
Remember,�seek�forgiveness and�you�shall�be�free.
Whatever,�Dean. I�ought�to�pop�you�one
right�in�the�lie�hole.
-�Um... -�The�nerve...
to�just�shack�up and�then�ghost�me�like�that.
I�was�gonna leave�a�note.
A�note?
You�stole my�washing�machine.
And�you�left a�dead�crow�in�my�freezer.
Look, I�want�to�say�sorr-
Sorr...
(exhaling�sharply, clearing�throat)
Sor...
...ry.
And?
I'll�get�you a�new�washing�machine?
And?
Take�the�crow�out of�your�freezer?
Okay,�fine.
Now,�take�a�long�walk off�a�short�dock.
Phase�three is�complete.
One�time,
we�knocked�over�a�credit�union
with�nothing but�nylons�on�our�heads
and�a�bag�of homemade�bricks.
We�robbed�a�casino
and�we�doubled�the�money at�the�slots�on�the�way�out.
We�had�so�much�zhooniyaa,
we�had�to�stash�it in�a�hollowed-out�moose.
It�was�nothing�but fancy�clothes�and�fast�cars.
Diamond�bracelets and�gold�bars.
Money�stacking�all�night.
We�were�living�large.
Oh,�yeah. Crime�really�does�pay.
I�didn't�even�want to�be�in�a�gang�before,
but�now�that's�all�I�want.
Aaniish�dash�iwe?
You�have�now entered�phase�four.
Fuckin'�weirdo.
(door�opening,�closing)
Help!
Beanpole�twisted her�ankle�hauling�water�jugs.
Shit,�let's�go!
Hurry�up!
(breathing�heavily)
Okay,�nice�try.
Nice�try,�what?
I�leave�the�store�alone and�fail�phase�four?
Beanpole's stuck�in�the�mud?
That�Dean,�he�was�nuts�with�the water�karate,�but�this�is�good.
Jesus,�boy!
Sorry,�Gramps, I�got�a�store�to�look�after.
(breathing�heavily) Ahh!
And�that's�how�you pass�a�fuckin'�test.
'Boom'�goes�the�explosion!
All�right,�then, phase�four,�pi�ata�time.
-�But�I�just�passed�phase�four. -�What?
Gramps�came�in,�begging�me�to help�Beanpole,�but�I�stayed�put.
No,�man, phase�four's�a�party.
We're�gonna bust�open�a�pi�ata.
-�So,�I�got�the�job? -�Yeah,�man.
Um,�should�we go�save�beanpole?
We'll�get�there.
Let's�see�what's inside�this�thing�first.
Ha-ha!
That's�it. I�can't�do�this!
You�were�supposed to�follow�along.
-�I�did! -�For�like�two�seconds.
This�was�the�closest
I've�ever�been�to�even�thinking about�working�out.
I'm�sorry.
I�know�I�said I'd�help�you,�but�I�can't.
I�quit.
Man,�we�were�so�close.
Maybe�it's�me.
Maybe�I�am�just... a�terrible,�perverted�nurse.
Hey,�man, take�a�look�over�there.
Tell�me, what�do�you�see?
(nurses�chattering�happily)
Some�nurses, playing�in�the�park.
And�don't�you�want to�be�just�like�them?
So�fun.
So�free.
Yeah!�I�do!
I�don't�know�what I�was�thinking!�I'm�sorry!
-�Paul:�Ha-ha! -�Of�course�I�do.
Yeah,�there's�my�nurse!
Now, pull�me�to�the�store!
I�want�to�celebrate�with some�chips�and�some�Bepsi.
You're�impossible.
Actually,�make�it�two�Bepsis
on�the�account�of all�the�exercising�you�did.
Did�you�get�that? Nurse�Logan?�Logan!
So,�where�do�I�go to�join�a�gang?
Do�you�have�to�sign�up?
I�want�it�so�bad.
Whoa,�whoa,�whoa. I�think�what�the�Crazies
meant�to�say�is�that crime�doesn't�pay,�right?
I'll�say�what�you�want for�the�right�price.
My�gangster�name's gonna�be�Jimmy�Calzones.
I�wanna�be�Jimmy�Calzones.
Nobody's�gonna�be�a�Calzone.
You�wanna�know�what�the�gang life�is�really�like?�Hmm?
I�was�deep�in�it.
Gigii-ayaa?
Yeah,�big�time.
What�was�your�gang�name?
Oh.�Uh... Tony�Capone.
Both:�Cool.
No,�it's�not�cool.
That's�the�point. (exhaling�sharply)
See�this�arm?�Fake.
Lost�it�in�a�machete�fight over�a�scratch�ticket.
I've�been�in�and�out of�jail�so�many�times,
they�named�a�wing�after�me,
the,�uh,�Tony�Capone�wing.
Onishin!
And�I�almost�let
that�life�get�the�best�of�me,
the-�the�shootings and�the�robbings
and�the,�uh- the�murderings.
-�Then,�what? -�And�then,�I�met�Paul,
the�love�of�my�life.
Wait.�So,�you're�saying,
if�we�join�a�gang,�we�might end�up�with�someone�like�Paul?
Doesn't�he�wash his�jeet�in�the�sink?
Okay,�that�was one�and�a�half�times.
Forget�it.
Let's�go,�Blue.
A�life�of�crime is�no�life�for�me.
Gigii-doodaamin!
Can't�even tell�the�difference.
(breathing�heavily)
Oh,�you�really just�gave�up�on�me,�eh?
After�everything we�just�been�through!
-�How�dare�you? -�Wait,�wait,�wait,�wait,�wait.
How�did�you�get�here?
Oh,�wouldn't�you�like�to�know?
And�since�you�do, I�walked.
So,�I�got�you�to�exercise?
Oh,�don't�try�and�change the�subject,�my�friend.
Walking�is�exercise.
Even�if�it's angry�walking?
Any�walking.�The�point�is,
you�just�made�your�first steps�to�becoming�healthier,
and�I�inspired�you�to�do�it.
-�Why�are�you�making�that�face? -�Just-�just�a�hug.
No!
Everyone�knows�that�hugs are�just�a�gateway
for�you�to�ask�me to�take�off�my�shirt.�Hmph!
You're�walking. You're�still�walking!
(door�closing)
Ah,�I�did�that.
All�right,�man, takin'�off�early.
Water�karate�time. Let's�go.
Wait. Is�this�another�test?
No�test,�bro. You�already�passed.
We're�just�gonna�shut�the�store down�and�go�splash�fight?
Yeah,�man. I�do�it�all�the�time.
Look.
For�real? In�the�middle�of�the�day?
But�we've�got�work�to�do.
I'm�sorry.
Are�you�some�kind�of...
button-down,�corn-fed,�uptight, marshmallow�motherfucker?
Let's�fucking�go,�bro!
All�right!
(door�opening)
(door�closing)
Hello?
Hello?
I'm�still�here.
Oh...
I�always�dreamed�of something�like�this.
?�All�my�life�?
?�On�my�own!�?
?�Messin'�around�when I�could�be�at�home�?
?�Every�damn�night�?
?�It's�all�the�same�?
?�Won't�be�long before�I'm�back�again�?
?�But�I�just can't�stay�away!�?
?�Not�when�the�sun is�on�my�chest�?
?�No,�I�just�can't�stay�away�?
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